The perfect blog post...

It's better to pretend to act like you know what the ingredients are to a perfect blog post and then to go ahead and try to write one. I have sat here quite a few times and tried to figure it out, but I've not come up with an answer yet. At least not with one that works for me, although I am aware of the fact how some other people do it. 

I'll just keep plodding along in my own peculiar way and make the best of it. I keep telling myself that it's also for my own sake that I write these posts because they act like a diary for me and in it I record my life. Maybe some people will find it interesting enough to also read. I can't figure it out from the statistics. They are a mystery to me. 

I got woken up by the dog who, in an effort to get my attention, licked my face all over because he had to go out and he was in a hurry. I stood by the back door in the very cool air and looked at the stars in the clear night sky. I appreciated the sight of them and the fact that there were no clouds to hide them. Of course, that's what made it so nice and crisp outside. 

The dog came in just when I was sufficiently cooled down and I made my way to the kitchen to make some coffee. I'm always amazed at how quickly the machine turns out a pot. While I waited, I turned on the computer and checked my emails of which there were only a few. At least I don't get spam, which is a huge relief. It can make your in box look very full for naught. 

I can sleep late in the morning, though I haven't done so lately because I don't take the tranquilizers any more at night. It's made a big difference in how early I get up and how well I do that first hour. I'm not in a comatose condition that I have to recuperate from with several cups of coffee. I'm in a functioning state pretty quickly. 

I always made the assumption that I was an especially slow starter, but now I turn out to not really be one. Neither am I flying high during the night. I'm completely sober during these hours that I'm up and I distinctly remember being not so. 

I've got to think about which clothes I'm going to wear today, although over everything I wear my warm, gray, oversized cardigan when I'm inside. That's because the windows are still open and I won't turn on the heater yet. I also wear one of my cotton scarfs to keep the draft off my neck. I do like to be toasty warm. I dread the thought of winter. 

There, I wrote this post strictly for my own sake. Well, I did keep you readers in mind a little bit. 

It's time for me to go back to my warm bed. I've got to sleep just a little while longer. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Instinctively...

 

I always feel that whatever I write here has to be very inspirational.  That I can't just write about run of the mill matters here and ordinary things that occur in my day to day life. God only knows where I got such an idea. It's not as if this blog is loftier than my other blogs, so I shouldn't treat it that way or try to write  that way, otherwise I may get intimidated and develop writer's block and that won't do at all. I need to take this blog down a notch or two and make  it a reflection of how I really am and how I really think and not some blown up literary attempt at pretty prose. Having said that, I will now get down to business and write something plain and ordinary.

I've already slept tonight. I went to bed early, after I watched the eight o'clock news and found out about the latest developments in Tunisia, but I woke up after several hours and was wide awake again. The time it takes my 'falling asleep' pill to stop working. Now I have to wait for real sleep to hit me again. That will be some time towards the morning. In the meantime, I've had a cup of coffee and I'm now drinking a glass of milk, which is thirst quenching, but is making me feel cold. I'd better drink a glass of warm milk or a cup of hot chocolate, but the latter always makes me feel very full, as if I've eaten a meal. My gastric band can't handle anything substantial. 

I have to find some ways to amuse myself tonight and there are several possibilities. Looking for good templates is one of them. That's always a sport that I don't tire of. I can spend a long time looking for the right one. I'm also going to be looking for interesting bits of writing for the website Six Sentences, which I recently have gotten a renewed interest for. It makes me pay attention to the quality of things I write and have written. I can also go in search of images to accompany these blog posts. I do use them up quickly, but there are always more to find. I'll be looking for especially colorful ones as opposed to the black and white ones that I usually post. A body does want something different every once in a while. 

It's in the middle of the night now and I feel very good. It's so nice to sit here in the semi dark all be myself and to know that the world around me is asleep. It's not raining outside and merely cloudy. It's not all that cold either. I was standing by the back door earlier and it was very doable while I waited for Tyke to finish getting done with his business. He is a slowpoke and does take his time, unless I pretend to walk away and leave him there, but then he may start to bark and I can't have that late at night. It would upset the night rest of my neighbors.I do have one especially delicate neighbor who will let me know that he's not pleased.

I must be off to do other things now. I have dawdled long enough. It's taken me forever to write this little bitty post. I have made cigarettes in the meantime and checked my facebook account. Sometimes it's hard to stick to the job at hand. There are also emails to answer. I've seen those come in, but have resisted reading them. I do have some self control. I've got to wait for it to become morning so that I can go back to bed. It will be with much joy that I do. I will be more than ready to.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

 

Through the night...

It is now in the middle of the night and it is 23F degrees outside and the sky is clear. No wonder the heater was coming on. I have the thermostat set low, but the radiators felt warm when I got up. The Heater comes on every once in a while. It's not on continuously. Apparently the apartment is well enough insulated to keep out the worst of the cold.

I went to bed very early last night, because I was completely bored with what was on TV, which is never interesting on Saturday nights, and I wasn't in the mood for blogging either. I laid in bed and listened to the football game on the radio until I dozed off.A football game is also boring enough to drift away by. Who can keep track of all the different players when there are no pictures to look at?

I woke up in a sweat and had to go to the toilet in a hurry and then Tyke had to go out back. I stood by the back door in the cold night air and completely cooled off, which was nice. When you're having a hot flash there's nothing better than the freezing cold on your body. It would have been different if a strong northern wind had been blowing. I might not have enjoyed it as much then.

Since it's the weekend, I decided to stay up and enjoy the silence of the night and catch up on my sleep in the morning. I started a pot of coffee and turned on the computer and answered emails. I can usually do that before I've had my coffee, though I function better mentally after I've had a cup. I probably would write better emails if I waited, but I'm impatient to get them done.

It's going to be cold like this for a while and on Wednesday and the next few days we are expecting snow. So it is predicted. If it will actually come about is another matter all together, because we are promised all sorts of weather that never really happens. Sunshine that doesn't appear and rain that doesn't fall. Weather forecasters do their best, but it still isn't an exact science and they can only make broad predictions and not really pinpoint them all that locally. At least for our area they don't seem to be able to do it. We will see.

I have to make a list of things that I have to take care of. I don't think it's actually going to be that long, but they are things that keep escaping my attention and that I think of when I can't do anything about them. They keep nagging me at the back of my mind and then I start to worry about them at the most inappropriate times. It will be better to get each item down on paper and check it off as I get it done. That seems to be the most sensible thing to do. I'm not a great maker of lists, but I do see the sense of them now. It's a great way to organize your mind and to actually accomplish things. That's one resolution I have to keep. I'm starting mine before it's actually New year's. 

All you other single people out there are my great example. You are all managing your lives and taking care of the details  and problems of it with whatever degree of success, and although I don't know how difficult this is for you, you do seem to pull it off. I never hear any big complains and stories of woe. You all seem to cope and do well. I must remember that I'm not the only middle aged woman on her own who has to figure out her own stuff. Sometimes I get a lot overwhelmed and I don't want to cope at all, but be like an ostrich and put my head in the sand. I wonder if you have the same problem too and how do you overcome that? Do you ever get intimidated by life? 

It's early in the morning now and I'll move on to other things. This has been a nice way way to spend the night. I've taken my time writing this, but I did have to take a tranquilizer and wait for it to work halfway through. I had too much free floating anxiety and worries. 

Have a good morning and enjoy your Sunday. 

Ciao,

Nora

Sleepless in the Netherlands.

Well, here I am in the middle of the night wide awake for a change. I shouldn't say for a change, because I'm more often awake in the middle of the night, aren't I? I do make a habit of it sometimes. I slept for a couple of hours and woke up and was as bright and bushy tailed as a raccoon on a food hunt in the suburbs. I couldn't wait to get up out of bed and get the coffee machine started and turn the computer on. I was ready to live during the night for a while. What the morning will bring is of later concern. Maybe I will collapse, but I don't care right now. I'm throwing caution to the wind.

I was lying in bed last night and couldn't sleep at first. I kept telling myself that I had half an hour to fall asleep, but I couldn't get comfortable. It was too hot with the covers on and then it was too cold with them off. I made a compromise by having them half off. I tried to meditate, but my mind kept wandering to other intruding thoughts, so that was not a success. I tried to make a deal with the Higher Being to show me Nirvana, but that was to much to ask. I finally just went to sleep.

I was awakened by Tyke who was pestering Gandhi. He does pick the most opportune moments for that. When he realized he was caught, he tried to be a little puppy and cuddle up to me in bed. I would have none of that and got up to go to the bathroom, seeing to my dismay what time it was. But then I did not despair and decided to make the best of the situation and to just stay up and amuse myself. There's always something to do in the middle of the night if you use your imagination.

I answered my emails first and luckily there were enough of them there to keep me occupied for a while. I do try to draw out that process when I have the time for it and because of the time differences, I hope for some responses the same night. It keeps me busy. Sometimes I like nothing better than having a good long chat via an email, especially if it's reciprocated. Some people are very brief, which causes me to be brief also, but there's really no reason why I can't answer in a longer email. I just have to use my imagination.

I always feel so good in the middle of the night. I don't have a care in the world. Everything that I may worry about during the day doesn't exist during the night. Not that I have that much to worry about during the day. They are just the minor issues of life. No head breaking things. They're just little obstacles to be got over. They are so minuscule that they are hardly worth mentioning. They are midges and not mosquitoes or deer fly. Fruit flies too in the green waste basket. They've come for the apple peels, but where they come from lord only knows.

Today my personal helper is coming, but my domestic help will not be here. That's why I need to do the chores. It's a good thing to have someone check in with me and keep me on my toes. I could slip into an attitude of nonchalance easily and let things slide. It's good that I know someone will be here to see if I'm holding up my end of the deal. I do have a tendency to put things off indefinitely and never get around to them. I wasn't always like that, but this seems to be me in my new incarnation. Before I was always walking around with a damp cleaning rag in my hands, even if I was on the phone, especially then so I didn't waste time. It was a bit neurotic.

The weather is going to be much cooler for the next 5 days. temperatures around 15 C. I don't mind. It just means wearing more clothes and that is easy. It's taking clothes off when it gets hotter that's the problem. I like getting dressed up, so I'm fine with it. It will give me the chance to wear some clothes I haven't worn in a while. I'm thinking of one colorful, long sleeved dress in particular. I haven't worn it since I've lost weight and I'm curious as to how it will fit me now. There are a few things in my closet that I want to try out since I've lost weight. It will be a whole new discovery.

There's no chance of a right wing coalition, thank goodness, so now the Liberal Democrats will have to form a coalition government with the parties to the left, which is much more to my liking. Which ones they are exactly going to be is not clear yet, there's to be some major negotiation. I hope for the best and that the parties I trust most will be chosen. Somehow they have to make it work or there will have to be new elections and those may not turn out so well. I hope wisdom reigns. Hopefully the queen will exercise her influence and steer everyone in the right direction. She's well informed and modern enough to know what that should be and she has her advisers.

I think I will take a shower now and get dressed in my finest duds. It may take me a while to put an outfit together, but I have time. It is early still and the birds are singing. The sun has just come up and the sky is still overcast. Doubtlessly it is cold outside. I will dress warmly when I take Tyke out for his walk.

Have a good day you all.

Ciao,
Nora

The second time...

I'm up for the second time this morning. I was up much earlier, before the early birds had even started singing. I drank my coffee and answered my emails and read blogs and then walked Tyke, but decided that I wasn't really awake at all and went back to bed, where I slept for another three hours. That was just what I needed and I feel much better now and like I've had enough sleep.

I'm very cozily sitting here in my bathrobe now, nice and warm, with a cup of coffee. When I walked Tyke early this morning it was cold outside and I wore my jacket and a scarf, of which neither was a luxury, but now I'm toasty warm and very comfortable. I'm so comfortable that I may never get dressed, but that is silly and I do have to get dressed, because I'm supposed to meet my friend Yvonne later today for a cup of coffee downtown and I still want to go to the store and buy that bathroom scale.

I'm very curious about how much I will weigh and I can't wait to step on the scale. I have the feeling that I've lost a lot of weight, judging by how my clothes fit me. I wore my tight jeans yesterday, but they weren't so tight anymore. They were a bit baggy in the legs and I wore a smaller belt that I really had to pull tight. I'm going to wear some different jeans today and I can't wait to see how those will fit me. Oh, vanity, all is vanity...or is it sanity, all is sanity? I think maybe the latter.

It's cloudy and windy outside today, typical Dutch weather. The sun shines off and on. If it weren't for the beauty of the clouds, it would discourage you. You almost want it to rain to get it over and done with, but then the sun comes through and that really looks good too. It's the kind of sky the Old Masters painted, except that we don't have the endless horizon to go with it or the ships on the stormy sea. To be by the sea now would be a great thing. To have your hair blown to smithereens by the wind and to see the waves pound on the shore. You don't worry about having a bad hair day then like I do now. All it takes is a good haircut, right?

My friend Yvonne let me know she would call me at the last minute to say if she was going to be there, but that she was having a hard time and that she didn't think so. I just wrote her an email saying that I assume she is not going to make it and that I'm making different plans. I'm not going to sit here until 1 pm and wait for that phone call when I could be doing other things. I also have to buy new accessories for the bathroom and go to the post office.

--------------------

I've just roughed up my hair into a punk hairdo and put on my other jeans that fit me surprisingly well. I pulled them on without any problems. That sure did good things for my self esteem. I put the smaller belt in them and pulled it tight. I'd hate for them to slide off my rear end. I don't have a lot of hips yet to speak of. They will reappear last, I'm sure. I took Tyke for a walk and it was a little bit warmer outside. I still wore my leather jacket, but left it open. It's warm when you're in the sun and out of the wind, but when are you when you are on your bike like I will be shortly?

I've got to get going now. I've dawdled enough. I have to get my purse and my wallet and hop on my bike. My trusty steed.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Ciao,

Nora

Today...

I got up on time to answer my emails and have some coffee and smoke some cigarettes and blog a little. Before I do anything today, I have to go to the tobacconist to get my supply of tobacco and filter tubes. I can walk Tyke at the same time and then do a few chores around here. I have to get the apartment ready for the domestic help. There can't be any kind of a chaos for her to start with, not even a little one. So I must organize the kitchen and clean up some things that are lying around in the various rooms.

There's a bowl of porridge sitting in the kitchen that I have to throw out, because I couldn't eat it. My gastric band didn't allow me to. I think my stomach shrank. After just a few bites I was awfully full and had to stop eating. I did manage to eat some curried rice noodles later. They were pretty good, although they weren't what I had asked the Exfactor to buy for me. I had asked him for small packages of flavoured rice. Something got lost in the translation between women's talk and men's interpretation. Isn't it always like that?

I may be awake, but I think I'm not quite done sleeping yet and I look forward to the end of the day when I'll be able to take a nap. Goodness, I can look forward to that already. I'm like an old lady who needs to get her forty winks in. Sleep plays such a big role in my life, either as in too much of it or not enough of it.It all depends on what time of day or night it is. I constantly fall asleep with my reading glasses and my reading light on. My book drops out of my hands onto the floor. So far Tyke hasn't demolished it. I'm still looking forward to the day when I will sleep 8 hours straight again like I was doing for awhile. It's a shame that this stopped, because it was very pleasant.

Since I'm planning to wear my summer clothes today, I do hope that the weather is going to be nice. I didn't watch the news last night, so I have no idea of the forecast. Last night, after that splendid weather we had during the day, it rained and everything has gotten refreshed. The sky is overcast now and it doesn't look too promising. Actually, I shouldn't make it sound like that is a big deal. All I have to do is dress warm enough, because I really don't mind cool days and a little rain. I just means a change of plan in what I am going to wear. I think I can deal with that. That would be the least of my worries and I can wear socks and my cowboy boots and I will be nice and warm. Not to mention a scarf.

Tyke is barking at phantom people walking by. He does that at night too when the blinds are closed. He barks at the windows as if there is someone there. It doesn't scare me, because I feel pretty safe here and I think his bark will scare anyone away, he sounds like a big dog. I do wonder what in his imagination sets him off, though. He must be very alert and imagine all sorts of people trying to break into the apartment.

Oh, I was just out back with him and it is cold out. I will dress very warmly. It is not at all going to be a nice warm spring day. Well, it will be fun to choose my clothes for today. My imagination is working overtime already, but it will be better if I dive in my closet and see what is there. There are always forgotten surprises. Clothes that temporarily disappear in the chaos and then reappear again. The closet is too full and not organized well enough any more.

Right, it is time to take my medicines and to get dressed. I wish I had gotten my hair cut, because I can't do a thing with it. Isn't that a famous last line?

Ciao,

Nora

Wake up, woman!

I'm working on my second cup of coffee and it is very necessary, as I had to get up out of bed after not enough sleep to let out the dog and take my medicines. Bleary eyed and slightly in a stupor, I turned on the computer to see what was there in my in box and started the difficult process of answering my emails. I always hope I make sense when I do that after I've just gotten up. It may actually not be the right time, but that's the order in which I do things. Rituals even maintain your bad habits.

I'm such a nutty woman, sitting here when I should be getting back to bed for some more sleep, but then I never claimed to have much sense. I act like and pretend that I do, but I never come right out and claimed it. I have about as much common sense as a hedgehog. It does roll itself into an impregnable ball when threatened, so that is a good characteristic, but you can also play football with it and that is less good. Of course, you do have to have sturdy shoe wear.



Well, I used what little common sense I do have and went back to bed and slept for a few more hours. That really was the smartest thing to do, that logic didn't even escape me, thick skulled as I am. Hmmm... I see a theme developing here, I'm trying to get a message across. Could it be that I'm trying to tell you that I assert a lot, but in reality know very little? Something along those lines.

The first thing I did when I got up, was get dressed and not linger in my bathrobe like I did yesterday. That was a good thing too, because when I went outside to pick up Tyke's turds, my neighbor was out there and I never know what mode of attack he is going to use on me. Today it was friendly, thank goodness, but I do feel better facing him with my clothes on. He's an old man who likes to complain and makes me nervous about going outside. His wife eggs him on from the background. There's always some tree or bush or cat to complain about and I get a sore stomach just thinking about it, so let's drop that subject.

I've been sitting crooked in the desk chair again, leaning to the right at an odd angle, and as a result I have a sore ribcage. I lean into the armrest and it cuts right underneath my ribs, causing me to sort of get stuck there and having to remove myself with some effort. It happens without me being aware of it, suddenly I'm in that position. Yesterday I put a pillow on that side and it helped. It prevented me from leaning over. What I really need to do is spend less time in this chair and in a minute, I'm going to take Tyke for a walk.

The sun is shining, but it's only 11C, so not very warm. I'm wearing my cold weather clothes plus my scarf. I'll see you in a bit.




We ran into a bit of freshly rotated soil that had fertilizer added and raked into it. Tyke thought he had died and gone to heaven. He rolled around in it like it was the best smelling perfume ever. Every time I thought he was done, he started up again. Luckily, it was dry and flaky, so nothing really got stuck to his fur, except some of the smell. It was so funny, I had never seen a dog do that before. I hope he doesn't do that when we run into cow dung or something. I wouldn't put it past him. I can just see us out in the fields in the countryside and Tyke in a big heap of cow shit. I think I better stay in town with him.

We also ran into my sister and her friend. This car stopped and a very handsome man with sunglasses on said "ciao" to me. I couldn't figure out at first who it was. I thought I was going to be pestered by a bunch of foreigners. Then I saw my sister and the pieces fell into place. I had to laugh at myself for being so silly that I automatically assumed handsome foreigners would pester me. That shows you what an attitude I have about myself.

I think I'm having withdrawal symptoms, as I'm totally not happy at the moment and I'm just pretending that I am. If not that, I'm having a shortage of sleep problem. I feel depressed and I'm going to lie down on the sofa.

Ciao,
Nora

Funnier!

I had written a post earlier this morning that I decided was so boring that I deleted it and I want to start all over again. It is possible that I don't have it in my fingers today to write a good post, but we will see. I will give it my best shot and see what I can make of it. I may not be quite as funny as I normally am. Maybe I am more serious today than I am on other days. If so, it is because I didn't get enough sleep. I didn't go to sleep until the middle of the night, diistracted as I was by things to do on the computer and there are always so many of them.

The fact that I have a new computer doesn't help things either, because it makes me think that I can do everything better than I used to, so I want to try that out. I like my email program, so I'm constantly checking for emails, or writing them, and I find that very satisfactory. Looking for interesting blogs is an other favorite activity, as if I don't read enough already and keeping up with them is a full time job, but I gladly put in the time.

Leaving comments is a tricky business, because at some blogs that I read I never leave any, feeling as if I'm an interloper there who really has no business being there and the other comments seem so good that I can't think of anything equally good to say. I should have a little more confidence in myself. I'm sure I don't come across as the shy and retiring type.

More than anything I like writing posts, because I like the business of writing. It doesn't matter so much to me what I write about as long as I do it as good as possible. I always have doubts about spelling and grammar, not having been formally educated in them in this language, but I think I fake it pretty well. I know I'm confused about expressions sometimes and use Dutch ones in English, because I'm not sure of which language they belong to. I'm trapped between the two and thinking in both of them.

I could write posts all day long and maybe never run out of things to say, while in real life I'm not much of a talker, depending on who I'm with. I feel handicapped in my speech, as if saying something out loud is harder than writing it down. Of course, I have to speak in Dutch and I still manage to make a mess of it and want to use many English words. It happens in a discussion that I don't remember the Dutch words for things and use the English ones, so I end up speaking Dutchlish. I also happens that when I'm trying to write down a concept in a post, I have to think it through in Dutch first and translate it into English before I can put it down in complete sentences.

I'm glad I have a domestic help now, because I'm going to have her wash the windows next Monday. They are so dirty, I should be ashamed of myself, but I'm not. Dutch housewives have clean windows, but I don't consider myself one. You see them in the middle of winter, out with a bucket of suds and a stepladder, cleaning their windows in their plain clothes without a jacket on and I think they are mad. They also scrub the entrance way and the stoop and the front door in freezing temperatures. I'm not that dedicated. So the domestic help can clean the windows. I brought that up, because the sun is shining on them now and I can see all the dirt. I fills me with anxiety and I won't let it. I'm for an anxiety free life.

The Exfactor was here this afternoon and put the door back on in the spare bedroom. It was always a bit of a mystery to me why he had taken it off, except that it seemed to be in the way to him. It had been stored in the shed all this time and of course it is rather dirty, so I have to clean it with a lot of elbow grease. I keep it ajar, so the cats can go in and out through the cat flap that's in the back door there, but at least it takes the view away of all those unsightly boxes that are sitting there and the eternal dust and debris that the cats drag in.

We only had a short political discussion, more for the form than anything else and I let him do most of the talking, which he does easily. Sometimes it helps to be the more silent one. Tyke entertained us with his follies and that took up some time. Thank goodness for a funny dog.

I have to do some chores now, duty does call me. It has a nagging little voice that can not be ignored.

Have a great day. It is 18C here, isn't that a miracle?

Ciao,
Nora

Yawning!

Although I'm sitting here with tears running down my face from all the yawning that I'm doing, I don't want the evening to end yet, because it is quite early still, so I have made myself a cup of coffee and I'm drinking that to keep myself going for a little while longer, although it's possible that it's not going to work at all and that I will be forced to go to bed anyway.

In the meantime I'm helping Gandhi escape from the enthusiasm of Tyke and getting her to jump on the dining table, where I had put a folded up blanket, which Tyke has pulled off and is now in the process of "killing." It is Jesker's old blanket, but I have a better one for Gandhi to lie on and we will get the better of Tyke yet. I do have to pick sides and Gandhi needs more help. Tyke is quite capable of looking after himself.

I was rudely interrupted while writing this by many emails that needed answering, and as usual I took my time doing that, so now it's much later and I've gotten my second wind. I'm suddenly awake again and ready for an intellectual challenge. I don't know if that includes writing this post, but I guess I can make it as challenging for myself as I want. Notwithstanding the fact that I'm typing this without the spell check and I can't use any really difficult words, because I would have to look them up in the dictionary and that would stop the natural flow of words.

I do try to write as quickly as the sentences enter my head and sometimes I'm on a roll, although I do have periods of non-activity when nothing comes and I'm distracted. I've been that way my whole life and it caused me some trouble in primary school when I was distracted a lot, in other words, I day dreamed and I still have the tendency to do that now. I call it constructive day dreaming, because I think of things that matter and come up with solutions to odd little problems I'm faced with. It seems that being occupied in one activity stimulates my brain to be active in other areas as well. I suppose I am a multiple use appliance, handy to have around the house.

I did my taxes this afternoon on line and it turned out to be quite painless, because part of the information was already filled in and what I had to fill in was very simple and each question that I had to answer came with an explanation so I would understand the question and if it applied to me. Luckily, my financial situation is very simple and clear cut. There were no complications. It's probably the easiest tax form that I ever filled out, because I was unmarried for all of last year. I'm going to remember how simple this was, so I won't procrastinate next year.

I had Iron Nora do the taxes, she's much more capable than I am and not the least bit intimidated. That woman is handy to have around and my blogging friend Babaloo reminded me to pull her out of the closet for jobs like this that are tougher than the ordinary daily tasks that I'm normally faced with, but I think I can pull her out of the closet whenever I get timid. I'm regularly intimidated by something and I can use a tough woman at moments like that. Especially now that I'm wearing cowboy boots that strengthen my image a great deal.

I have been wearing my brown leather jacket for warmth, but the weather is getting better now and I think I can start wearing my black leather jacket with the zippers and the buttons, which is very cool. It was the first leather jacket I bought and I felt like quite a hip chick when I wore it out of the store. I can wear my green scarf with it, which is an upgrade from the blue and black scarf I've been wearing with my brown leather jacket and that used to belong to my mother, so it is very old and it also needs to go into the laundry. The black leather jacket is best worn open, but it's not quite warm enough for that yet, although tomorrow it's going to be an incredible 17 degrees Celsius. That's practically balmy and real spring weather. I can hardly believe my eyes reading that forecast. I'll wear my jacket open with my green scarf around my neck.

I had three chores to do today and I did them all, except that I didn't quite finish the last one and then, as it got later in the day, I excused myself from that one and will add it to the chores I will have to do tomorrow. I will have to do three of them tomorrow and maybe four if I'm really gutsy and honest. I don't write them down, as I know exactly what they are and I don't forget them. They are lasered into my brain. Three chores aren't that many to remember. Carrying them out is, because I reach a certain time of the day when I excuse myself from doing work and I only get to play, as if I have a regular paid job.

Actually, my excuse is that I try to keep the stress out of my life, but I think I should test that theory and see if it still applies. If I start doing more than three chores, I will have to start making lists or make the stuff up as I go along. There are always things to do here. I will have must do and can do chores and do the must do chores first. I will have to forego some time on the computer, because it distracts me hugely and is always beckoning me to turn it on.

I reinstalled Windows Vista the other day, because it was acting funny, and as a result I got more space on my hard disk and it also kept all the things I had installed and downloaded myself, even though it said it would put those things separately on the hard disk. I did a complete reinstallment, not an upgrade. I thought it was wonderful and apparently it got rid of some unnecessary junk. Windows Vista is okay, but very often it is murmuring to itself, doing unknown things on line that aren't apparent and it has many updates. I don't know why such a big deal was made out of it. The email program is good, but it should be. Would you expect anything less?

It's late now and I should go to bed, but I'm enjoying myself here. I'll run out of things to do, though, and be forced to close shop. I'll go put the clean sheets on the bed. That was the part of the third job that I had not finished. I want to sleep in a clean, good smelling bed tonight. That will be a treat to me.

Goodnight, dear all. I'll see you all tomorrow, very late in the morning.

Ciao,
Nora

How not to go nuts...

My email program wasn´t working. I wasn´t receiving any emails at all and I thought that was highly suspicious. I know that none of you ignore me for that long. Your comments to my posts come to me by email, so I knew there had to be something there. I finally called the help desk after I couldn´t figure it out for myself and a very nice young man and I worked the whole thing out together and got everything working again as it should and it wasn´t an easy job. So, he is well worth his money and somebody ought to say that to his boss. Too bad I didn´t think of it until later and I didn´t catch his name.

Did I tell you yet that there was no word processor program and that I downloaded Open Office in American English? It is freeware. I don´t know why they are giving it away, but they are. You can get it in many languages. Oh yes, I added a weather forecast to my status bar, so now I don´t have to look out the window to see what the weather is like. It is 1C and the sun is shining.

Anyway, after I got the email program to work again, I got a slew of emails and comments and my heart knew such happiness. It was a true cornucopia. Then I got very busy answering them all and I probably didn't do them justice necause there were so many of them. I promise to write very long and thoughtful answers in the future.

I did end up taking a nap on the sofa, which was to be expected after I had so little sleep, but I woke up quite refreshed after an hour and a half. I guess that was all I needed to get my second wind. Needless to say, I did not vacuum the sofa today, that was a half assed plan that I'm not capable of bringing to fruition. I will do that later this week after I've had a good night's sleep. It was cute that I thought I could do it. Oh, what silly ideas I get!

I've got to organize myself a bit for tomorrow, because there are things I need to do, such as make copies of a bunch of paperwork and get all of that in the mail and prepare a paper swap, the last one I'm participating in, because they turn out to be a lot of work and an expensive hobby. Tyke needs to go to the vet tomorrow afternoon and the Exfactor is also coming over and he can help me with some things that have me stumped about the computer, such as where do I put the installation CD's? I see a slot that they ought to go in, but no way to get one in. It is very strange! Doubtlessly, he will have the solution. I'm counting on it. I did get everything else right, so it's okay if I don't know this. I can be a helpless female sometimes to the deferment of the Exfactor's superior technical mind.

Oh, the sun is shining on Tyke's window where he always looks out and I haven't cleaned it yet. It is a mess. I must get out the glass cleaner and polish it right now. The whole neighnorhood will be digusted with me. Well, that will be a household job that can't wait.

Have a lovely evening and remember, a new computer will make you forget your obligations, so don't be in a hurry to get one. Or take a week's vacation and then play with it. Have your better half provide you with provisions, because you won't have time to eat. And you will neglect your children.

Ciao,
Nora

At ease now, woman.

I'm slowing down, I really am, honest to God I am. I have just done two more things. I have downloaded my photographs and I have changed email programs, because the one I was using was refusing to send out emails and I could not answer any of yours, which was very frustrating. As it is now, I still can't answer any of those earlier emails, because they are stuck in the wrong email program, so you'll just have to send me another email or comment, so you can get a reply from me. I know you really don't mind doing that, because you're all such wonderful people who will do me that favor.

I should have been in bed already, but I've decided to unwind right here with a cup of decaf and a cigarette and my almost quiet dog by my side. I feel really tired now and it feels good and I look forward to going to bed and falling asleep with my book in my hands, providing the dog is quiet at last. It will be good to lie down with my aching body and my tired head and read until I fall asleep, which should not take too long.

--------------------

I tried to turn the computer off, but when I did, it said, "Do not turn off the computer, installing 1 of 81 updates." My goodness, that computer had been in that box for a long time, practically from the time it was bought. I had already been able to tell that it had not really been used and the receipts for everything were still in the box. I knew it was going to take a while for all those updates to download, so I took my medicines and put on my nathrobe and my slippers and made myself comfortable in my chair with a cup of decaf and in a very relaxed and meditative way, watched 81 updates being downloaded. You will think this is very boring, but it actually gave me a time out to relax and contemplate my navel and watch the numbers slowly dwindle down. I had a very pleasant and enjoyable time doing nothing but watching the numbers count down and it took a while too. I was not bored for one minute. but did nod off every once in a while.

When it was finished downloading the updates, it had to configure them, which took another while, but I had patience. After that, I downloaded the free AVG virus scanner and disinstalled the one that was in there. I also added the CCleaner for cleaning up superfluous messes. Run that through your computer every once in a while.

I'm now going to add the email addresses to my email program, because I'm still awake and it is in the wee hours of the night and I do like being awake then as you all know. I'm feeling very relaxed and mellow and oh so pleasantly pleased with myself. I figure I'll sleep tomorrow morning if I need to. It's too cozy now to go to bed.

Send me comments and emails, please. I do want to know if this email program is working. I'm assuming it is, but I won't believe it until I get actual mail.

Have a good morning when you wake up. I'm still typing this without the proper spell check.

Ciao,
Irene

Thursday after much sleep...

I slept more than 8 hours last night, so there goes my nightlife. No getting up in the middle of the night and having adventures and cleaning house. No, no, I slept just like a regular person does. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think it's kind of boring, actually, but I'm sure it's very beneficial to my health.

I got up early enough to answer emails and have a relaxed cup of coffee before my sister came to pick me up to go grocery shopping. Oh yes, and to walk the poor dog, of course. It had snowed again, so it was much less slippery out and it was a pleasure to walk in the new snow and very picturesque. More snow is expected today and tomorrow too.

My sister and I drove into an almost empty parking lot when we got to the store. That meant some leisurely shopping could be done. You know what that means, don't you? That means you linger a bit and buy things you normally would not buy. Ah, but the damage was not to great after I had put all my groceries away and paid the bill.

After I came home and had given the cats their special treat that I had bought for them, and which they attacked with gusto, I ate my breakfast and went back to bed to sleep a few more hours. That felt very good.

You see how I'm back to needing extra sleep again. That one night of little sleep was just a blip on the radar. A minor hypomanic attack. I did get me out of my depression however and I feel ever so much better and not at all as downtrodden as I did a few days ago. I can actually say that I feel good now. I don't know if that has to do with my circumstances or with the chemicals in my head. Either way, I'm not falling off the earth anymore.

The Exfactor was here just a while ago and we had a minor political discussion about our prime minister and our minister of finance. The conclusion was that we didn't care for either one of them and then we discussed political parties and it turned out that we're both going to join the same one, except that The Exfactor still has to quit his current one, while I have already done that, although mine refused to believe it and kept sending me propaganda material. I think they have gotten the message now, though, and I haven't received anything for about a month or two.

And so it goes in my life, from high to low to in between. I guess I like the highs the best, although the in betweens are okay too. They're just not as exciting and I do like a little excitement in my life. If it doesn't happen naturally, I have to make it happen, but I can't think of any trouble I can get into safely at the moment. Financially I can think of all sorts of things, but I don't think that would be wise and I do have some common sense about me still.

I got word that the photo diaries have been sent to me already, so I'll be expecting them in the mail soon. Actually, they are agendas, I guess that's the proper word for them. I can't wait to see them. I hope they turned out as nice as I think they would. I took great care in choosing the photos, so I hope it is a success. If so, I'm going to do it again for next year, but then a little bit earlier. I waited too long to have these made.

I have to go and put my card swap package together. I bought some interesting cards and have lots of good cards here at home, so wish me luck.

Ciao,
Nora

Sunday on the better side of it...

I've been up for a while, drinking coffee, smoking my cigarettes and answering my emails. I'm also pretty much caught up on my blog reading, although I didn't leave comments everywhere. Sometimes I'm just short of words and sometimes I'm only a lurker. I read other people's comments and wonder where they get the imagination to write such good ones, because I really have to stop and think of something sensible to write and sometimes I give up completely. It's not that I'm not amused or that I don't empathize, it's just that I can't find the right words to express that and I really have to try very hard to come across as a sincerely involved person, which I am, make no mistake about it. I just assume it speaks for itself, but it doesn't, of course, and I know how much I appreciate each comment that I get, so I try very hard to say something relevant if I can.

When I first started reading blogs, long ago in the Dark Ages before I wrote my own blog, I didn't realize it was customary that if you didn't have anything good to say, it was better not to say anything at all, and that you should always try to find something positive to comment about, even if it was just a minuscule detail. I was always putting my foot in my mouth by being to straight forward and calling a spade a spade. I thought I was a criticizer and not just a reader who could put her positive two cents worth in. It was in a time of my life when I was super critical of anything anyway, so it was the imperfect setup. Very unfortunate. Since then I've learned to keep silent if I think something is nonsense, or to at least find something positive to focus on and to bring any criticism as diplomatically as possible and not see it as a matter of life or death.

It's in the national character to be very critical of things to the point of being rude. That's no excuse to act like a clodhopper, of course, but I used to meet many of those Dutch kind of people when I still lived in the States. They were critical of everything and all things were better in their own country. Those are the kind of people you don't want to read your blog, because they will find all sort of faults with it and trip you up on the smallest details and have an argument with you. I think that's another reason why I don't write in Dutch. It's to prevent me from meeting those kinds of people. English speaking people are more polite as a rule. They come better equipped to hand out the niceties of life and isn't that just a much better atmosphere to write in?

You all know that I only read English language blogs and novels. The only Dutch I read is in the TV Guide and in the articles I read in magazines in waiting rooms. My Dutch is good enough now that I can pass for a native, which I am, after all, although for a long time I didn't feel like one, but I don't have the least desire to read Dutch language novels, many of which would be translated out of another language anyway. There are good writers here, there's no doubt about it, but I'm not the least bit curious about them. My interest lies mainly in English language female authors and there are so many good ones to choose from, that it will keep me busy for a long time, and I will even read male authors now and then.

This specific interest was born after reading a big collection of short stories by female authors that I enjoyed very much and I started reading them and subsequently discovered other English language female authors. Our library has a very good collection of English language novels and I was able to extend my list of authors quite a bit. Now, of course, I mooch books through Bookmooch and I have been very successful so far. What I can't get, but really want, I order occasionally at Bol.com at a discount. Every time I hear about a new author, I look into it and add her to my list if she sounds interesting.

So, you could really say that English is my first language and that Dutch is my secondary language. I don't know if I could express myself as well in Dutch as I do here in English, although I am aware that the occasional mistake slips through every once in a while. I make more mistakes in Dutch.

It's snowing outside and there are a couple of centimeters. Only one car had driven on it so far, so it looks very pretty. I have to take the dog for a walk, because he's waiting impatiently. I'll have to dress warmly, because there's a cold wind blowing.

Well, that was all about writing and reading and such. I hope you all have a nice day.

I'll be thinking about you all on this Sunday and wondering how you are doing.

Ciao,
Nora

It's morning again and then what?

You answer you emails and drink your cups of coffee and smoke your cigarettes, that's what you do. And when you've answered all your emails, you get to write a blog post, that's allowable, because you've got the time and the inspiration.

I've slept my now normal 8 hours again and I feel fully rested and ready to tackle the day, though I mustn't say this too loud, because I have been known to go back to bed after I've said such a thing. Although I don't think I will today, because the day beckons me with the chores I want to get done. After I wrote my post last night, you see, I didn't actually do a thing, but eat and watch the news and go to bed early with my very exciting book and a piece of Camembert cheese, which has given me a sore throat and I know it's from the cheese, because I haven't had any in a long time and now I just happen to have a sore throat, which I normally don't have.

Outside it's 1C and raining and the snow is turning into slush. Not a great day to go outside, but I'll have to walk the poor dog in it. I'll have to wait until the worst of it is over. Of course, this means that the laundry that I didn't bring in last night, is now sopping wet and I'll have to run it through the spin cycle of the washing machine. But it will be somewhat fresh smelling having been soaked by the rain, which is very clean, I hope. The laundry on the drying rack in the bathroom wasn't quite dry last night and I didn't think to bring the laundry from outside in, as they predicted no rain. Well, I was fooled, wasn't I? I will have to go out in my hooded coat and get it off the clothesline and bring it dripping wet into the apartment in the laundry basket and stick it into the washing machine. I can already imagine how cold and wet it will be now.

It's just a minor setback in my day and nothing I can't deal with and, except for very cold hands, there will be no after effects. Everything in life should be that simple to resolve. The good part about the day is, that instead of sweeping the floors last night in the dimness of the light bulbs, I get to vacuum it now by daylight, so I will see much better what I do. This will obviously mean that I will see the dirt better and know where to scrub harder when I get ready to clean the floors. It is my intention to do that today, because I have no other plans and no places to go. I do want the place to look good before Christmas, that's a promise I made myself and I need to stick to it.

I will absolutely not be a diva today, but just an ordinary run of the mill middle aged housewife, which is a persona I need to be every once in a while when I need to pull the interior of my apartment back into shape again. This is best done in extremely comfortable clothes and without regard to my exterior. It's unimportant what I look like. What counts are some muscle and brawn and endurance. A pair of knee pads would help too, but I haven't got any of those.

Of course, there's no law that says I need to be middle aged to be a good housewife, because I used to be young and be a very competent one too, but the fact is that I've reached that point in my life that I'm actually called middle aged and that is a moniker I can't easily get away from, no matter how hard I try, unless I have plastic surgery done all over the place and look like Jane Fonda. If I had the money I would have it done, the works, everything, nip and tuck and do whatever it needs. I'm vain enough for it. I don't like the way my body is getting older and the way gravity is working on everything, pulling it all downwards to my knees. Even my eyelids.

In the meantime, I'm waiting for it to get light outside so the day can get started and I'm hoping for the rain to stop. The streets are going to be a mess and doubtlessly there will be traffic jambs as a result of it. It seems we can't deal with winter weather anymore. Every bit of snowfall takes us by surprise, as if we don't live in a cold climate where that happens regularly. A real snowfall would immobilize the country. How do you people in the Mid West and Canada do it?

My dog is barking at me and that is the signal that he wants to go out. I just looked out the window and it is barely drizzling, so I suppose we can go brave the elements now. We will just get a little wet.

I hope you all have a good day and that your weather isn't as foul as it is here, because this is no fun. But we'll stubbornly walk under the threatening skies and defy all the dark clouds.

Ciao,
Nora

The middle of the night.

After I wrote my last fascinating post, I was pretty tired and after I ate a bowl of pea soup, I went to to bed, even though it was only 8:30. I fell asleep pretty quickly while reading my book, The Reading Group, with my reading glasses still perched on my nose. That's how I woke up a little after midnight with the terrible urge to get up, which I did. I anticipated it to be much later, but much to my disgust it was not and needless to say, I turned on the computer, because that's what I always do when I wake up in the middle of the night.

Luckily, there were emails to answer and since then there have been more emails. Thank goodness that I know people on both sides of the ocean and even on the opposite side of the earth. There never needs to be a dull moment. Of course, I also know people who stay up in the middle of the night like I do and they are always good for an email or two. I am extremely fond of people like that and count them amongst my best friends.

I have run out of milk and fruit juice and now only have tea or coffee to drink and the coffee with artificial creamer, which I am not too fond of. I think I will drink tea, even though it's always either too hot or too cold to drink. Too cold, because I'm waiting for it to cool off and forget about it. Then I gulp it down and that was the end of that dubious pleasure.

With all the dawdling I'm doing, the night is going by quickly and the hour hand is moving towards the morning now. I have to keep myself amused for just a while longer and I don't think that will be any problem. I have some ideas for short stories for Six Sentences and I have to work those out. I also want to look at that map of poetry I was talking about. I think there are some stories in there that are longer, but may give me some more ideas. The whole map may be a source of inspiration, as it may waken some of those old feelings that I had back then and that were very unique to the moment. Maybe it is possible to rekindle some of that specialness.

There's not a lot of poetry in my life now, nor a need to describe my life in poetic terms. I don't feel that romantic about my life, not like I did back then. I don't walk around two feet hovering above the ground with my head in the clouds. I constantly try to stay grounded now and fear that writing poetry will cause me to become unstuck. But actually it would not be a bad idea to write in a simple poetic way about my life now, as long as I don't let too much sentiment seep in. It must be possible to write rational poetry that is grounded in real life and realistic, yet pleasant to read and surprising because of its word choices and sentence structure and brevity. Yet at the same time that makes me think that what I want to write then are very short pieces of prose. It's the structure and the rhythm that determines it, I suppose.

When you find yourself constantly in the state of being in love, but the object of your affliction is always just outside your reach, it makes you live with an unrealistic state of mind. One in which you are constantly bouncing from great happiness to great sadness and these extremes of emotions awaken all sorts of latent feelings inside of you, that look for expression and inspiration in the world around you. Everything you see that is of beauty attaches itself to your feelings and magnifies them to excruciating proportions, until your heart can barely contain them and you have to give expression to them in some way that you are capable of. A painter paints, a writer writes. Painfully so, as if she is crucified and constantly dying. It's a heightened state of mind that in the end is unsustainable and there will be a near death experience.

Anyway, that's how you stop writing poetry, because it scares you to do so. but I think I'm a little bit ready to try it again, though in a totally different manner. I'll pretend I'm writing prose and make it a poem afterwards, after the fact, because I'm not Robert Frost.

Have I given away enough of myself now? Or too much? Only God may know. I'm going in search of poetry now. I hope it is as interesting as I remember it to be.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. I will, because I have creative therapy, but then the groceries...oh no.

My other blog.

Ciao,
Nora

Sleeping on the sofa...

I fell asleep on the sofa at 8 pm and woke up at midnight. I felt like I was wide awake. At least I wasn't in the mood to go to bed, so I turned on the computer and made myself a cup of coffee. I so dislike drinking decaf, that I made regular coffee. Since I've discovered the brand of coffee I drink now, I've come to dislike the old brand of coffee very much, especially the decaf, but the new brand of coffee doesn't have decaf, so I'm forced to buy that in the old brand. I never drink it. I save it for when the Exfactor comes over, he seems to like it just fine. I think it is awful and can't believe I used to drink it. That's what you put up with when you don't know better.

So anyway, to make a long story longer, I'm drinking my coffee from a mug that my sister gave me this afternoon and she got it while she was in Greece last week from a place called Mykonos. It's a wonderful touristy mug and I'm very happy with it, because I like receiving coffee mugs and I can always use more of them, and I like it especially if they are from some place special, which this one is. It's where she met her Italian boyfriend one year ago and they went back there to celebrate and also to Santorini. I saw the photos today and they were beautiful, just as you imagine it to be.

So, that's where my new mug came from and, of course, I had to drink from it right away, because you know how I am with new mugs. I only want mugs that have special meaning to me and so far almost all of them do. Well, not that I have a cabinet full of them...

It's been a most pleasant day, because I've only done things that were pleasing to me. That's how I ease myself into the week. Mondays are for the most part pleasant days. I had creative therapy this morning and worked on my third painting and added second and third layers of paint. Luckily, the acrylics dry fast and I can add the next layer of paint quickly. It's turning out alright and I think I will be done with it next Friday. I'll take photos of it then and post the rest of the photos of the other paintings too.

When I came home, I walked the dog and then decided that I no longer wanted to use Ubuntu, which was a tough decision to make, because I really like it, but there were some drawbacks to it, such as listening to my music easily, downloading my emails quickly, reading blogs in a easy to read print, accessing my digital camera and some other minor irritations. So, I uninstalled Ubuntu and went back to Windows, which freed up a lot of space on my computer.

I did, however, have to set new tabs for all my favorite sites, so they would open up automatically when I open up my browser, and my email program started to download all the emails I had received since I started using Ubuntu two months ago. There were more than 3,000 emails that I had to get rid off and I had to sort through them and save some of them. That was a lot of work.

At 3:30 I went to my sister for tea and cookies, or biscuits as the English say, and to see her photos of her vacation. She had bought cookies that were developed especially to have with a cup of tea and I had never had them before and they were delicious, so I had four of them. They were wafer thin and flavorful. They should ask me to do the advertising for them.

My nephew came home from school with a flat bicycle tire and when I left, my sister was getting ready to fix it. She found a piece of glass in it. I never fix my own flat tires. I've always had the Exfactor do it, but it's been a while since I've had a flat tire. I suppose I must learn to do it myself if I really want to be an emancipated woman. How badly do I want to prove that?

I had left the dog at home, so he made a big deal out of seeing me and pretended that he had to go out immediately, but I chose to ignore that and fed him his dinner first. He gobbled that down and then took a short nap to help him digest that. I had turned the computer on to check my emails and to see if I could get rid of any of the pictographs that were clogging up my computer screen. I wanted it to look neater than it did and removed a bunch of them that I thought were unnecessary. I don´t think I will come to regret it, but you never know. A lot of them belonged to stuff the Exfactor used to do. Games and things. I think he´s been gone long enough now for me to do that. Isn´t that silly? I almost felt like I had to ask for permission.

Today, because it is now today, I have to do some serious chores. There will be no dilly dallying around. First I have to go see my SPN and when I get home I will dust and vacuum and mop the kitchen floor. Then I will clean the bathroom and do a load of laundry or two. I will just have to prove that it is at times possible for me to be a diligent housewife. I don´t know who I will be proving it to, but only to myself. That should be good enough then, but it is better if there is someone to be witness to it when it is done. I can´t even show off my haphazard housewifely skills.

Well, alright then. This was not my most exciting post, but for one written in the middle of the night it´s not bad. I´ll try to be more entertaining the next time. Just tell me what you want. More drama, more irony, more humor? It´s yours for the asking.

Have a great day. I hope you get the weather you wish for and the events you hope for.

Ciao,
Nora.

A new day...

Well, I did as I said I would do last night and slept on the sofa to the sound of the television turned down low, so it did not interfere with my sleep. It was rather pleasant, except for that part when I woke up with a very sore arm and hand, but I am getting used to that and know how to deal with it. I pick up my arm and lay it in the proper position and open and close my hand until the pain leaves and the feeling comes back into it and my arm.

I got up at nine and immediately made myself a cup of coffee. Then I turned on my computer and checked my emails, which take forever to download for some reason. Th emails are always the most fun part of the start of the day, because they contain the comments to my latest post and I get to answer those. There are also comments from Facebook and comments from the writer's websites I write for. They keep me busy and off the streets. Sometimes it's a bit overwhelming and I postpone answering some of them until later, when I've had my second cup of coffee and I am properly awake.

If I'm smart, I take my medicines right away and feel the soothing effects of them quickly. It's like a blanket of serenity gets draped over me, although that may be a psychological effect as much as a physical one. Because I feel calm, I feel even calmer, and so on.

Of course, this morning's wake up belongs to the weekend, because I have nowhere to go and no obligations other than to walk the dog, which I eventually do when I'm good and ready and he can't wait another minute, but he is very patient and lounges around on his blanket and by my feet, under the desk. Jesker is the most patient dog of them all.

The dining table is a mess. There are my cigarette making paraphernalia and bills that have been paid. There's my watercolor pad and my brushes and paints and felt tip markers. There is a stack of packages that has to be sent in the mail, and everywhere there are cat hairs and tobacco crumbs, because the dining table is the favorite hangout of the cats and my favorite place to sit also and make cigarettes and look out the window. I will have to clean and organize it in one fell swoop. I also have to clean up the kitchen again and the bathroom. Aarghhh!

Not now, now I'm sitting here writing this nonsense, that has no other purpose than to keep me from doing the things that I ought to be doing, like watering the poor plants and I do want to finish painting that second drawing, so I must clean the apartment first. I do have my priorities. There has to be work done before the fun can start. I won't be able to relax otherwise and concentrate on painting.

I think before I do anything, I will eat. If you ask me, that is vastly underrated. I always seem to do it as an afterthought. Oh yes, I need to eat too! I usually forget and then try to get caught up the rest of the day, although you can't tell by my body shape that I do this. I'm round in all the right places. I have love handles.

The weather is beautiful outside. It's going to be 25 degrees and the sun will be shining most of the day. No leggings and boots today and no long sleeves. Just milk bottle white legs and brown feet in ballerina slippers, because, of course, my feet have a tan.

Have a good day. Enjoy your Saturday very much. I hope it's a good one for you.

Ciao,
Nora.

Early Sunday Morning...

I spend a long time each morning taking care of my emails. It's a pleasant occupation and I never get bored with it. It's a good way to start the day and a good exercise for my brain. Some of them are facebook notifications and they are always fun, as they take me from one subject to another and I have to be on my toes and respond to all the different types of comments. The other emails are comments on my blog posts, or responses to my comments on the comments. I hope I still make sense. Either way, I have to switch from one subject to the next and I like to think that these mental acrobatics keep my mind lively and that I will stay alert better for a longer period of my life. Especially if I keep doing this as I grow older.

No doubt this thought is inspired by the fact that I'm turning 55 tomorrow and, although it doesn't seem to me like such a very old age, I am aware of the fact that I need to keep mentally active and always challenge myself. I've seen the slow decline of age in other people and it seemed to come with a certain amount of lack of mental challenges and an overall laziness of the mind, when they couldn't be bothered with how a computer worked or how a cash machine and blamed the machine for their frustrations. I don't want to fall into that kind of trap.

Well, you scratch the surface and what do you find? A woman who is worried about growing older and I didn't think I was, because whatever age I am, I always think it's still young enough. I just have a bad memory sometimes, but I've had that for a long time, so I should not worry about it.

Another thing, just when I was boasting yesterday about not taking naps during the day, I took one in the afternoon. It was very pleasant and really belonged to the tradition of weekend napping. I laid down on the sofa and pushed my face down into the pillow of the armrest and was asleep in no time, totally oblivious of everything around me. This didn't prevent me from sleeping very well last night and, although I read my book for a while, I was gone from this world in the shortest amount of time.

So, you can never say that you'll never do something again or that you always do something, because life is unpredictable and your body has a mind of its own. Well, it really and truly does, doesn't it?

I'm going to spend the day getting this apartment in order, because tomorrow my sister and my nephew and the Exfactor are coming over to help me celebrate my birthday. I must get this place cleaned up, although it isn't in that bad a shape. I do need to vacuum and dust and water the plants. I think I will make a list of chores to do and check them off as I do them. That way I will see the progress and it will be a more rewarding exercise.

I keep trying to see the positive sides of whatever sort of events take place in my life, no matter how insignificant and instead of only living in the moment, I'm trying to look ahead a little bit and project myself into the near future. This is not something I have been doing, as I've only lived from one day to the next and have hardly given tomorrow a thought, let alone the days after that. I'm starting to think about next week now and maybe even the week after that, although this is still very tenuous.

I feel that today is still within my control and maybe the day after that too, but when you get beyond that I don't know how much control I have over the events, although I could have more control if I planned things better. It all depends on how much I am willing to face up to what is coming up, instead of ignoring what may happen. In a way, I'm a procrastinator and hope for things to resolve themselves before we get to the point that I have to. Very often they do with a little help from me, I admit.

I thought I was like a Buddhist by living in the moment, but actually I was living in denial of all sorts of realities by pushing them away and sending them underground to my subconscious. I try not to do that anymore now and to stop and pay attention to what I feel and think about, especially when it regards my future.

I'm very much aware that I have to find my value as a human being in very small and not so very significant things, at least relatively insignificant things if you compare them to what is significant in this society, but I have a high enough opinion of myself that I will be able to do that. I don't have to have a successful career and make a lot of money to prove my worth. My aim is to be able to live with myself in the most comfortable way possible, without causing myself mental pain and agony and to find peace and serenity and a stable frame of mind. If I manage that I will have come very far in this life. How I go about achieving that will be a subject of discussion on the meeting with my therapists on the 21st of this month.

It's very funny how I always get bogged down in a serious subject, isn't it? It's second nature to me. I always have to air my ponderings and make them public to somehow give them more value and authority. I probably should have been a religious leader and I would have led my flock with a daily sermon. No, the power would have gone to my head and I would have made a shambles of it, as do so many of them. Who do they think they are anyway to preach their word at a group of followers who believe in them?

I hope you all have a nice Sunday. Honor the day and don't make too many efforts.

Ciao...

Ergo therapy.

After a fairly decent night's sleep, I woke up quite ready to start the day and made my cup of coffee with much pleasure and drank it while I checked my emails. Then I shut off the computer and went to my closet to figure out what I was going to wear. on the hot sunny day it was going to be.

I realized that I should wear as little as possible, but being shy about my body, that is hard for me to do, so instead of that, I found some jeans that I had not worn in over a year, because they had been too tight, and I tried them on. Well guess what, they were almost too big, but they fit well enough, so I could wear them. Glad about that, I went in search of a top and found an India style printed top that matched my favorite necklace and the bracelets I had just bought. Isn't it neat when you can go shopping in your own closet?

I got dressed and made up and did my hair and then walked Jesker in the early morning coolness, but you could already feel that it was going to be a hot day. The sky was bright blue and the sun was already gathering strength. Nobody else was out there yet and we made a long walk around and enjoyed the stillness of the morning.

Back home I had some time to go until I had to leave for ergo therapy and made myself a bowl of cereal. Then I sat at the dining table while drinking my coffee and looked out the window, but soon I was nodding off into sleep and waking up again and I kept doing that until I decided that what I needed was a brisk bike ride, so I left to go to ergo therapy.

The bike ride woke me up and I made myself a cup of espresso when I arrived at my destination. I sat out on the deck and waited for the other people to show up, which they did, one by one, and we drank our coffees and talked until our therapist showed up, who is also the head therapist. We filed into the room and took our seats and the meeting began with the usual round of everyone telling how they were at the moment and what was happening in their lives.

I'm afraid that from this point on, I constantly dozed off, until it was break time and the therapist kindly suggested to me that I go home and take a good nap. I gladly agreed with this suggestion and rode my bike home and laid down on the sofa, where I fell into a deep sleep and slept for two hours. I felt fantastic when I woke up.

Now, here's the thing. The anti psychotics have a tendency to make you sleepy. When I was taking 4 mg, I took them at night before I went to sleep, but when I went to 6 mg, I took them 3 times a day during the day. I think that it is time for me to go back to 4 mg, because a high dose of anti psychotics can make you feel depressed, and I also think that I need to start taking them at bedtime again, so that I will be less sleepy during the day. Usually, I am not on 6 mg for such a long time, because the psychiatrist does not like it, but he is on vacation right now, so I have to make the call myself and inform my SPN. I think it is the right decision.

There has always been major input from me when it comes to my anti psychotics and when they need to be raised and lowered. That's one of the medicines I have a lot of influence over, because I know best how I feel and what it does to me and right now I think I am getting too much at the wrong time. That's how I see it.


I just took Jesker out for a walk and it is awfully hot out there, in the sense that it is uncomfortable, and it is going to get even hotter over the next two days. I'm sure some people love this kind of weather, but I'm not one of them and the heat is wasted on me. I like mild temperatures and a little rain now and then. Maybe I should be living in Ireland.

I thought I had gotten my windows very clean and they are, but now I see streaks from the squeegee and it doesn't look pretty. I guess I need Aims to come and do my windows for me, she has a full proof way. I think it involves newspapers and vinegar, if I remember correctly. Probably more effort than I'm willing to put into it. I guess I don't care enough or else I would do it. I want someone else to do them for me. I have to think about window cleaners. I'll think about them real hard.

I have to sweep in a little while, because Jesker has been very merrily shedding hair again and it is piling up into little snowdrifts. It especially shows up on the dark blue linoleum in the kitchen. Then I have to do the dishes and take the dry laundry of the drying rack and there you have 3 chores. That will do in this heat. I also have to go to the tobacconist, because I'm almost out of tobacco. I did make it last, though. Nobody can say that I'm a scoundrel and a wastrel. Well, they could, but it wouldn't be true.

Right, off I go on my bike into the hot sunshine. It will be like a tropical ride in the suburbs to the exotic location of the tobacconist.

Have a good day!

Ciao...

For four hours...

I slept on the sofa for four hours tonight. This was after I walked the dog and put out the trash and decided that I was so tired that I could not do another thing, despite my intentions to shower and wash my hair and do some ironing. I was too pooped to do any of those things and like a broken woman put on some leggings and a tank top and laid down on the sofa and went to sleep. Everything else would have to wait.

For some strange reason, I woke up at 11 pm, when I easily could have kept right on sleeping and I got up to take my medicines and make a cup of decaf and some more cigarettes. I checked my emails and answered those and not feeling sufficiently tired yet, I decided to start writing this post, which I may have too abandon if my sleeping pill starts to work. We'll see where the ship strands.

I seriously felt like having something sweet to eat tonight, or maybe chocolate even, but I didn't have anything like it in the apartment and the stores were closed. I did have a jar of diet jam and I had a couple of spoons full of that, although I thought it tasted to sugary. It wasn't tart enough. Then I drank a big glass of juice hoping that would take care of my craving, but it didn't really, so I called my sister to find out if she had any cookies, but her boyfriend from Milan was there and I was too embarrassed to ask. So, I am basically left with a craving for chocolate chip cookies and I don't have any.

I did just find a piece of leftover Brie in the refrigerator and I ate that and that took care of my feeling of hunger. It wasn't the overripe cheese the Exfactor had bought and I'm sure glad I found it, because it turned out that I needed to eat. And here I thought I was just craving sweets. Well goodness, I'm starting to feel like a human being again.

If this is going to be a repeat of last night, I have less chores to do, I mean, I can't wash windows in the middle of the night, can I? I can do the ironing and clean up my closet, but there will be no sweeping and mopping the floors. I can hunt for cobwebs and wash woodwork and clean out the refrigerator, though. I just hope I have enough cleaning liquid left. I'll have to make it last. I'll use spit if I have to or ear wax to polish with. Ha, ha.

If I had my own little studio set up now, I could be producing masterworks! Collages avant lettres, sculptures that would blow your mind away, doodles that would dazzle you with their intricacies. Yes,I would produce it all, working during the night, inspired by the silence around me, by the solitude of the moonlight, maybe the sound of the gentle rain.

Okay, don't get carried away with yourself, stay grounded, a woman may have her head in the clouds, but she needs her feet firmly planted on the ground, even if it is a mountain. or a path in the garden of Eden.

I plan to be an artist, although in my own humble way I already am. It will do me good to create when the mood strikes me and to be able to walk away from it when it does not. To close the door on it and open it again when I an ready and to sit and ponder over the work, which I now don't get a chance to. To play with the different elements and to see how things can be combined and subtracted. How paints can be combined and pastels added to them and natural elements. How you catch the eye and keep it enthralled. So much and so much more. I feel I'm just at the beginning of a long journey with many stops along the way. Points of achievement that will be milestones.


Jesker has completely settled in for the night, but this afternoon he very urgently wanted to go out back and, of course, what was laying there on the doormat? A meatball! I wonder if Toby brings them as gifts to Jesker, because he does not eat them himself.

Toby and Gandhi are still on the kitchen counter all the time trying to get food out of pouches from me, but it is to no avail and they have to eat their very good kibbles, which they do too. I've stopped giving them milk, because they would drink a little bit and the rest would get sour and I had to throw it away. So now it's just plain water for them, which Toby likes to drink from the faucet.

Jesker is back to eating his normal portions of food, so he probably just had a stomach bug or something for a while.

I suppose I will keep you updated about my night, just like I did last night, it helps me get through the night also if I get to write these missives. They are my life lines while I'm here on my own.

Sleep tight you all, if it's that time for you.

Ciao...