Much to my surprise...

It's an interesting thing to watch yourself evolve and to anticipate what you are going to be like each new day. Of course, I'm not so much evolving into a brand new person as I am becoming the person I was about eighteen years ago. It seems that once I took ownership of my life, and the complete responsibilty for it, I could embrace this person I was a long time ago and allow her back into my life. I found that instead of being afraid of her and her spirited character, I actually liked her very much and very much wanted to be her again. 

I have embraced her with open arms and now am her again and I have complete faith that in this reincarnation I will live happily ever after. There is no need to hide my light under a bushel anymore. I can go ahead and shine it all over the place. There is all sorts of breathing space for the person I am now and I am so happy to be me that I could sing at the top of my lungs. I won't do that because I can't keep a tune and can only sing in the shower and very badly at that on top of it. . 

I have forgiven myself for at one time being a frail human being and for making mistakes and not being perfect. But I also like the woman who made the choices she did and see the problems she was confronted with and the limited choices she had and how she made the best of them. I'm glad I now have years of experience behind me and lots of wisdom that I didn't have then that I can apply now and I do have lots of compassion for who I was. I don't hate myself and I can look back now without embarrassment.

If you think I'm in the Hallelujah Chorus, I assure you I'm not. I have both feet on the ground, but I'm much contented.

Ciao,
Irene

Post haste...

Outside it is raining hard and it has been almost non stop all day. Whenever I think about taking the dog out for a walk, it starts raining again so he has only been able to go out back. He's not too enthused about it and doesn't really want to be outside. Neither does the cat who's been very cozily staying in all day. I think we are hibernating today. 

I'm glad it wasn't this weather yesterday when I had to go out twice. Once to go to my GP and once to go see my therapist and to go to the pharmacy. I would have been miserable on my bike if it had rained like this. I do always seem to get lucky and avoid the worst of the weather. It's usually on my days off that it rains so bad. 

I saw my GP for the stomach problems that I have been having for quite a while now. I can't eat or drink anything without it causing me trouble and I very often have a stomach ache or cramps. I thought it was more than high time that I had it looked at. For now she prescribed some medication that should start working in a couple of days time, but I have to see her again in two weeks. 

I also had to donate some blood to run some tests on and to also check my thyroid function which had not been done in two years. I was one year too late with that. It goes to show you that I don't go to the doctor enough. I kind of neglect that.

I had not seen my therapist in a long while and had to fill her in on the latest news. I did that in the shortest amount of  time possible without making it sound dramatic. The conclusion was the most important thing to tell. It's what lesson you learn from your experiences that counts. How much wisdom do you gain? 

I made an appointment with her for a month from now. I want to be self reliant and not be guided in every step of the process along the way. I think I should be my own support and inspiration.

I am well on my way to having figured out a lot of things now and I know that I can count on myself a lot when it comes to making decisions. I'm wiser than I thought I was. The wisdom just gets snowed under now and then by my sometimes fragile emotions, but less and less so. 

The seed of optimism is growing larger inside myself and taking up more room. It's hard to get around its presence anymore. It has taken on a life of its own and exists whether I want it too or not. It is an almost independent entity. Pretty soon I'll call it the tree of optimism. 

I think I have to take the dog out now. It has been dry for a while. I will have to take the chance.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Forgetfulness...

I'm glad it is the weekend and I can leave this awfully strange week behind me and have two very ordinary days. The reason I say it's been an awfully strange week, is because it feels as though it's been filled with out of the ordinary events and that it actually contained more than the ordinary amount of days. The days went by quickly enough but there seemed to be so many of them, making it look like a long week. Looking back on it now, it seems like a very odd time.

I'm more than ready for things to return to normal and for me to find my natural niche again, albeit in a somewhat modefied form. I do take my experiences and the lessons I learned from them with me, but I can't put my old self overboard and conjur up a whole new person. I think I was trying too hard to do that. I was forcing a metamorphosis on myself that was too far removed from my original self and it became painful. I can't chuck myself out with yesterday's rubbish.

To thine own self be true. 

I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk in my comfortable, warm bathrobe, but in my mind I'm already going back to bed. I think I'm ready to go to sleep so I can start the weekend properly in the morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

Once more into the jungle...

I am deeply involved with a close family member's psychological problems and, although it is something I can not blog about freely, I do want to bring it to your attention because it's something that weighs heavily on my mind. It is a responsibilty that I don't take lightly and I realize how much depends on how well I deal with my involvement with this. I am called upon to be very wise and sensible and to think before I act and say anything lest I say the wrong thing or make the wrong move.

I wanted to paint this picture for you because I didn't want you to think that I just merrily skipped through life without a worry on my mind as I give the impression to. I have a tendency sometimes to be on the shallow side and not get into everything too deeply because of a sense of decorum. I can't give away too many secrets. Especially not when I blog about other people, but there is a lot more going on beneath the surface than I let on. 

I am able to help someone else because of my own experiences. I have had many hard lessons in life and learned a lot from them and no doubt still will. I can apply what I have learned and discovered to someone who hasn't quite gotten there yet but who is exploring desperately. I won't overstep my boundaries and think that I will take the place of a professional, that is not my intention. I will merely be a helper in that process and and another person making it more insightful. I do realize the importance of my role. 

I am sitting here getting mightily chilled because of the cold milk I am drinking. I have had my cups of coffee and I am more than lucid. 

I am in the process of learning to sleep at night without my sleep medication. I am doing pretty good so far. I do still get up for a few hours, but all in all I manage to get enough sleep. At least as much as I did when I was still taking it so it makes no difference. I don't sit here any longer in the middle of the night getting that high that I used to get and I am glad about that. It was an artificial high and I didn't really enjoy it. I much rather feel like myself.

It is really the dog who I need to train that I have to sleep through the night. He does insist on waking me up halfway through. Sometimes I manage to settle him down and sleep for another hour, but he usually manages to make enough of a pest of himself to get me up. I guess it is a habit that is going to die hard. I am going to have to apply some psychology to him. 

Have a good evening you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Can't make up my mind...

I was already in bed but found it impossible to go to sleep. I got up again and now I'm drinking coffee because I didn't know what else to do. It's such a ritual that I automatically made a pot. I normally sleep first though, but I don't mind, every new experience is one to be savored.

It's not quite coherently that I sit here. I'm under the influence of my sleeping pill and I'm waiting for the effect of it to wear off. I don't quite like the way it's making me feel. I'm hoping the coffee will do the trick, but it's making me burp something awful. The sound effects are out of this world.

Sooner or later I'll end up going to bed. I will get tired enough in the end and get the sleep I need. I've already set the alarm clock for 7 am. That's when I'm planning on being up again. I have some things to do and the day is going to start early. I'm getting up an hour earlier so I can drink my coffee contemplatively. 

I lightly decorated myself with make up today and was pleased with the effect. I didn't overdo it, so it was not too much of a shock to my system after having had a bare face all this time. The most fun was trying out the lipsticks to see which one would last the longest. I kept having to reapply them after having had something to drink.

Luckily, I still had a face wash to remove the make up with when I got ready to go to bed. I used that with a warm wet washcloth. I applied a night creme afterwards and now have a soft skin. I'm actually starting to care again and making a fuss over myself. They're good deeds I do for myself. My skin deserves it. Wearing make up makes me pay more attention to my face and its care.

It's good to be a woman and indulge in taking care of yourself and paying attention to the little things. They are all small ways to pamper yourself and give yourself the tokens of affection that you need. They are things that nobody else is going to do for you. They're little rituals that you perform for yourself and can be very nurturing and restful. If you end up looking especially nice, then that's a bonus. It's icing on the cake. 

I'm already making my resolution for the next year and that is that I'm going to take good care of my appearance and I don't mean my clothes because those are alright. My whole self image is going to change and improve and that includes my hair and the perfume I will wear. I'm going to give myself an overhaul and it will be a long term project. I will give myself a whole year to achieve it. I do have the patience for that.

I will go to bed now. I do need to get some sleep before it's morning. I have sat here and dawdled quite a bit and I've gotten sidetracked a few times. I have to take good care of myself because if I don't, who else will? 

Ciao,

Nora

Midnight revisited...

Despite my good intentions I relented and closed the windows about an hour ago. I also turned on the heater. I wanted to not do that or worry about the temperature because, after all, it is springtime, even at night. But I got too chilled, even in my bathrobe, and I don't like suffering. It's toasty warm in here now and I think I can turn the heater off and have it be warm enough in the apartment for the rest of the night. It will have to suffice. 

Like I said, I'm sitting here in my bathrobe and I'm obviously not in bed where I should be, but I enjoyed being up late last night and slept well in the morning. I had no bad effects from it today and didn't need to take a nap like I had expected to. I was up on time for my personal helper and even had some time to spare.

I'm extremely mellow and slightly sleepy headed and that feels very pleasant. It's a pleasurable state of mind to be in. I think that's why I like being awake right now. 

It's the whole experience I appreciate. I'm always one to seek out the more pleasant moods that are stress free and in which I feel just a little punch drunk. I seek the altered states of mind that I seem to find at night. Feeling normal isn't good enough. It will do during the day, but at night I want a different experience. 

I went on the bathroom scale tonight and had lost 600 grams. Now I need to get on it in the morning and see what I really weigh, which will be less. I never weigh myself at night, but I was curious because I had not been on the scale in quite some time. I can't wait to see what the weight will be. I hope I will have lost a total of a kilo, but maybe that's too much to hope for. 800 Grams would be nice and I guess that's more realistic. 

Today was an utterly normal day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, except that the weather was unpredictable. Sunshine one moment and huge gray clouds the next.  It was real April weather, although it was a little warmer than usual for the time of year. I guess even the weather wasn't that out of the ordinary. It was a completely forgettable day and you could have traded it in for any other ordinary day that had nothing to distinguish it. 

I suppose I shouldn't complain about that. I'm sure there are enough people in the world who would like to have a very ordinary day with nothing to distinguish it from any other. I'm not really complaining, just stating a fact. It went by quickly and I even watched television last night and watched a soppy show called 'Memories' in which people go in search of an old love from their past. 

Well, I did that and married him and divorced him 15 years later and I don't think the whole adventure was a good idea. It sounds very romantic on paper, but in reality it's not such a great idea. You can't revive a teenage romance. You can do it briefly, but not long term. It has to stay rooted in the past. Ships passing in the night and all that... You don't want to end up like the Titanic on an iceberg. 

I'm a sucker for soppy shows, though, providing they're tastefully done and don't abuse the sentiment. 

Well, I have to move on to the next thing, whatever that is going to be. I don't know if it's going to be bed yet, although I am yawning. I may get excited about something yet. The night is still young. 

Have a good one. 

Ciao,

Nora

In the black blue yonder...

It is in the wee hours of the morning again and I have been up for awhile. I'm drinking my second cup of coffee and am incredibly thirsty. I'm almost out of milk and will have to take powdered creamer in my coffee shortly, which is not a pleasure to me, but it is better than drinking it black. I have not had my coffee black in a very long time and I don't like it now. I'm also almost out of lemonade, so things are dire. I do have a bottle of lemon juice that I can make lemonade with if I add enough sugar and I will try that next. It will be a real thirst quencher if a make it not too sweet.

For some unfathomable reason I decided to stay up after I had gotten up to go to the toilet tonight. I didn't want to go back to sleep and decided that was boring. I decided I had better things to do with my time. Well, you can guess what those things were, right? Sitting behind the computer and wasting my time that way, because it's so nice to be up in the middle of the night. I'm so incredibly clear headed, after all. Actually, I'm over courageous and make bold statements in the emails I send out. I try to tell myself, though, that it's the real me speaking and that it's the real way I am. A tough broad with an attitude. One that can't be easily labeled and fit into a box. It's time to give that person some breathing space.

The early birds are singing in the hour before dawn. They are full of good hope like I am. They must know the secret to a happy life. I'm now going to see how long it actually takes for it to get light. I think it will be in another 20 minutes or so.

I have a great desire to hit the open road and to keep going through the endless countryside until I come to my destination, which I will recognize when I get there. That's what I used to do when I lived in California and had my car. I loved traveling and going to unknown places. Little towns on the coast with roadside restaurants and small supermarkets to buy supplies at and a motel to spend the night. A bottle of wine, a can of oysters and a box of crackers to have for the evening. A six pack of cokes to start the day with, my own company and a walk through town. Those were the days of freedom. I have fond memories of them.

They sure are in shrill contrast to the relatively sheltered life I live now. I couldn't be further removed from that person I was then to how I am now. I must try to regain some of that old spirit. I must get back to my liberated roots. My emancipated self who had set herself free, but who I subsequently grew fearful of. I thought she was a dangerous and unpredictable woman, when in fact she was wonderful, if not a little unguided. I have experience on my side now and could use her very much. Maybe we will be witness to a new liberation. Maybe I will set that woman free again. I must embrace her points of view and her attitude and not reject her stand in life. She had a valid vision that I must no longer reject. I must own up to it. The sooner we set that woman free, the better.

I realize that I have been rejecting a large part of me and keeping that part from existing by sheer willpower and force. It's been misguided shame and guilt that has kept me actively doing this from the middle class rules of morality that I find myself submerged in. They are not my rules and I reject them, but I've been trying to conform to them all this time, walking on a tightrope that had me constantly off balance in a very precarious situation. It's time I got over that good and well, and got back to my own set of rules. My own sense of morality. I'll decide how morally solid I am. I will use my own guidelines. I'll make up my own mind about it.

It's been dawn now for a little while. The first birds have stopped singing and I'm waiting for the second set to begin. It's very appropriate that it became dawn as I was writing this. My timing was accidentally excellent.

I've had the last of the lemonade and I think I will have the last of the milk too. I'm so thirsty. It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day. I have to go water the potted plants in my sister's garden. I will do that this morning when I walk Tyke. I won't wait too long to do that. It's nice and quiet outside now and it's light enough to go out. I will dress warmly, though, because it's been a cold night.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

Also known as...

It's April 1st, be careful, I may fool you.

I just had to drink a cup of coffee real fast, because one of the drawbacks of taking the anti-psychotics during the day is that they make me feel sleepy. That's nice if I want to take naps nonstop, but I don't want to do that, because it will mean that I won't sleep at night. Other than that they do what they're supposed to and make me not feel angry when I take the Welbutrin.

This morning I wouldn't have known, because I went back to bed at 7:30 and slept until 12:30. I was awakened by my mobile phone, the one that I do hear ring when I'm asleep. It was my sister who wanted to know if I was ready to go grocery shopping. Well no, I needed at least an hour to sit and have a cup or two of coffee and come to my senses. At least one hour, if not longer. It turned into an hour and a half. My sister is very cheerful from the moment she gets up until she goes to bed. She doesn't need an adjustment period. My older sister is like I am and needs to sit in silence for a while. We both need to get our doses of nicotine and caffeine in first. Self medicate.

It was busy at the store and we hardly found a space to park. We first had to dump our empty containers of plastic and glass at the recycle bins and then braved the store. A lot of people were already shopping for the Easter weekend. On Sunday and Monday the stores will be closed. I first got the things I wasn't supposed to forget and then got the things I always get. I also bought myself a pint of "real farmer's vanilla pudding." I had seen it advertised on TV and wanted to know if it was the real thing like I ate when I was a kid.

When we were done shopping, I bought 3 lighters at the customer service desk and my sister bought me 2 bunches of orange tulips, which was very sweet of her. I have them standing in a dark yellow vase on the dining table and Tyke has shown the necessary interest in them. I'll keep him far away from them, because they look very nice and I hope they last a while. I do love tulips, like a real Dutch woman.

I tried the farmer's vanilla pudding and it tasted exactly like it was supposed to and I wonder why none of the other puddings do anymore. It seems so simple to keep making them like they were always made. Now you have to pay an arm and a leg for a pint of it. Of course, I can only eat a little bit at the time, so I'll make it last, but still... I remember eating yogurt when I was a kid that your spoon would stand up straight in, that's how thick it was. We're getting ripped off left and right nowadays with these light products that we pay so much for. All the goodness is taken out of them.

Boy, that cup of coffee sure cleared my head. That's a good trick I have to remember. I was so sleepy that I was ready to lie down on the sofa, but I'm totally over it now, until I have to take the next pill, that is. That's one thing about me, though, I have to learn the same trick over and over again. It seems I never completely learn from experience. I'm the donkey that repeatedly stubs it's toe on the same rock time after time. I have the same "eureka!" moment once or twice a year, every year. I reinvent the wheel all the time... I guess I've made myself clear. I wish somebody would remind me of that. That's why I need a very attentive and loyal husband. Do you know of one?

I just took Tyke for a quick walk around the field, but the weather is miserable. We've had rain and hail storms and thunder and lightning and cold wind. It's no pleasure to be out there and it's not going to get any better for a while. It won't be a sunshiny Easter. When we got home, I turned the heater up again, so I won't sit here with cold hands and I'm going to put my warm cardigan on in a while.

I haven't been fooled by anyone today. I'm glad, because I always take it very personally. I'm not very good as the butt of a joke. I was one too often when I was a child, accompanied by belittling laughter. Never make fun of your child and belittle it.

That's all I have to say for now. I took my medicines 45 minutes ago. Not much is happening, or I'm not noticing it. I'm going to eat some farmer's pudding.

Ciao,
Nora

Done that.

I've been good and just about got all caught up on my blog reading, although I just saw that there was a new batch waiting for me. It will have to wait for later, maybe after I am done writing this, if I am not ready to go to sleep by that time. I have been known to be very stubborn and attempt to stay up and try to blog and do its associated activities when I should be in bed sleeping. I am now trying to imagine how nice it is to get my pajamas on in a while and to turn the heater up for a bit and to get all toasty warm before I hit the sack, as the Americans say. I assume they mean a sack filled with straw or grass that some people slept on way back then. In the pioneer days, maybe.

I don't know if I would have made a good pioneer, I think I would have preferred the comforts of some small new England farming town and stayed there, or a fishing village on the coast. I would have been a damn Yankee.

That's all talking by the wayside, because I am what I was meant to be and that is just an ordinary plain Dutch woman who doesn't stand out much one way or the other, except that I dress rather funky for my age and I get looked at for that reason. Oh, I know people stare sometimes, but I think, just let them, give them some cause for conversation, the small minded people. I have fun and that's the main thing.

I finished 2 projects in creative therapy today, because I suddenly knew what to do with them and did it. I have to remember to bring my art folder next week so I can bring things home with me and decide on what I want to frame and hang up. Did you know that hairspray works as a good sealant? It gives your work a bit of a shine too.

I have felt no desire to call the Exfactor and frankly he has been removed quite a few steps from my mind since Joost has been here. I find that a very healthy development and I feel like I've let go a lot this weekend. I don't feel any urgency anymore or the desire to be close to him or to see him or to be the apple of his eye. I think he is a rather silly man who doesn't know what in the world he is doing and I'm not going to help him figure it out. He will fall out of love with the Paramount and then he won't know what to do with himself and all of us will have moved on to different places.

That's the way, aha, aha, we like it. Excuse my silliness. For some reason, I didn't have a dip today and I was my normal cheerful self all day long. It was mighty nice and it comes as a great relief to me. Maybe the crisis is past me now and I can go on again as I was and get on with living my life the way it was with me concentrating on what concerns me and not on what supposedly hurts me and what is in the past. I think that talking so much with Joost about all sorts of things has helped me a lot and we only talked about my divorce briefly, it wasn't our main subject.

We talked about politics and economics and integration and the Holocaust and immigration, you name it, we talked about it. We see eye to eye on many things, except possibly Israel, for which Joost has a soft spot, because he is half Jewish. Not practicing, but still...He has many Muslim friends, however, and they respect each other.

I always feel a terrible compulsion to write, as if I have something very important to reveal to you, but when it comes down to it, I just tell you my ordinary thoughts and actions. I don't know how deeply I let you look into my soul. Sometimes I wish to be very profound and let loose with en enormous stream of consciousness and just let the words come pouring out, but I suppose I have an editor sitting beside me looking over my shoulder who prevents me from doing that.

I have experienced a lot of different things in my life and a lot of it reads like movie script or a made for TV six part drama. There were times when I thought that happiness would forever elude me and that life meant the same as serving a long sentence in a restricted prison block. No parole. Things happened that seemed to be extremely bad and cruel jokes that god played on me and were proof to the fact that I must be a very undeserving person. It's only in these last years that I have looked happiness right in the face for long periods of time and realized that I was entitled to it and that I too could lay claim to it and call it my birthright.

It is your right as a human being to feel long periods of happiness. Not because you're wealthy or because you're living in a palace and your wish is someone else's command. I mean happiness simply because you are alive and things basically go alright and the one day is as predictable as the next and no catastrophes wait around the corner for you. You get up and do all the normal things that belong to your day and go to sleep at night and you realize that it has been done successfully without a big hitch and you made it to the end of the day and now you are good and well tired and ready to rest your tired body. That's happiness by my standards.

That's why it is easy for me to say that I am cheerful now, because I had no dip this afternoon, I had the money to pay the mediator's fee, I did not get rained on once, I am not longing for the Exfactor and I am going to sleep in a little while in a comfortable bed and hopefully tomorrow will be a similar day. If that is in the least bit possible, I will be happy tomorrow too.

Well, so much for my philosophizing for tonight. I really am going to go to bed now after I take my medicines and make some warm milk to drink.

Ciao...