No profoundness...

Today I will mention the fact that I'm waiting for the coffeemaker to get done brewing my two cups of coffee which I am sorely in need of. It is at the end of the afternoon and I am having just a little bit of a dip so I need the caffeine to climb out of it again. There's no question of taking a nap now. It is too late in the day for that. 

My bed doesn't look all that appealing anyway because those sheets have been on there for at least five days and I really want clean ones. I'm waiting for my favorite duvet cover to get dry and then I'll change the bed. The apartment is clean and I want my bed to be also. But first I've got to have those cups of coffee. 

I will not be very profound today and tell you all sorts of wise things about myself and my life. I'll take a day off and resume that again tomorrow. I don't feel like being very profound right now. I just want to be an ordinary, every day sort of person who doesn't impress anyone with her wisdom.

It has been a most excellent day and I've spent it pleasantly in the company of the Exfactor and the domestic help like I do every Friday. I think Friday is one of my most favorite days and that is also because it is the day before the weekend. 

Friday gives me the opportunity to straighten out my life without having to go far afield to look for the answers. I've usually got them close at hand and then I've got the weekend to put them to the test. I can try out any theory I have and see if it fits before I have to apply it during the week. 

I can tell the caffeine is working because I'm suddenly better capable of reasoning. I'm climbing out of my dip and becoming a human being again. I'll be sitting on top of the world in a moment. 

I guess some days you're more thoughtful about your life than other days. More pensive, I suppose. Not so outwardly shouting and loud about it. I am considering my attitude, although my outlook hasn't changed. I'm as comfortable with myself as I was yesterday and very sure of myself too. 

A cloak of restrictions and general anxiety has fallen off my shoulders and I have been set free. I am closer to how I used to be which is good. I hoped to be this way again. I'm not afraid of this person. She's a good human being and I trust her.

Ciao,
Irene

Brain spotting...

Much to my surprise, it is the weekend again and it really did sneak up on me today. It was hard to imagine that it was already Friday again because it seemed not very long ago since it was. I swear that the older I get, the quicker the days pass by. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I think I mind as a matter of fact because I find myself racing towards old age. I'm definetly not ready for that, but then again I doubt if anyone ever is. I'm sure we're all stuck in our 30's and more than willing to stay there. I would like to be perpetually 39 years old. That's when my whole life changed and it wasn't for the better. 

Last night was the first night that I slept without a sleeping pill and I slept as well without it as I did with it. I don't miss it one bit, but I think that is because I had gotten down to such a low dose. I have no signs of withdrawal anyway. I'm sure I'll be fine and as a matter of fact, I felt more lucid this morning when I got up. It didn't take as long to react to the caffeine of my cups of coffee and I was ready to function much quicker. 

I hope to feel better overall now that I'm both off the tranquilizers and the sleeping pills. I had been on them for many years and thought I would never be able to quit them. I never asked to be put on them. I got them in large doses the first time I was in the psychiatric hospital and haven't been without them until recently. They give them to you to keep you manageable and sedated and I think everybody is put on them. The problem is that after two weeks of use you're hooked on them.

The dog is sitting here beside me looking very expectantly. I think he wants to go for a walk. The weather has been nice all day, although it has been very blustery. The sun has been shining most of the day, but now there are many gray clouds moving in. I think we are going to have some rain so I will have to go for that walk pretty quickly.

I hope you're all having a good Friday.

Ciao,
Irene

Friday afternoon...

I just woke up from a big old nap and I think I'm in a good enough mood now to try and write a post. I've been seriously lacking in good humor and whatever post I tried to write I had to delete because I was not happy with it. It think it is very possible that I was just plain grumpy all this time and that nothing at all made me happy. It's good to own up to this and to not beat around the bush. When grumpy, admit that you are. It's the easiest way to get back to feeling normal.

Well, I'm glad I got that settled. Everything in life should be that easy. It is when you only have yourself to deal with. It's another story all together when you have to take other people into the equation. Not that I'm having a particular problem with anyone. It's just a general sort of observation I'm making. 

Today is the 12th day since I stopped smoking and I'm still going strong. I still feel the urge to smoke now and then but it's getting decidedly less. I haven't climbed any walls yet. It's gone amazingly easy, I think. Those nicotine patches are wonderful and have really saved my life. I'm sure I would not be doing as well without them. Tomorrow I start on a lesser dose. I will be curious to see if my body is going to notice the difference. I don't really expect any problems. 

It has just started to snow outside. On the news earlier today they said it would and to expect a lot. I still have to walk the dog and I will be taking him out shortly. He loves the snow but show me a dog that doesn't. He pushes his nose into it as far as it will go and breathes deeply. He's like a hippo underwater.

I suppose I should be happy that it's Friday again. I am somewhat. I hope the weekend is going to be interesting enough. I have the feeling that I will be taking lots of naps unless something unexpected happens. Naps always save my life. That and good television. 

Have a good weekend yourselves.

Ciao,

Nora

Back in business...

I had to do without my computer for more than twenty four hours while Ubuntu was removed from it and Windows XP was reinstalled. This was an operation I could not do myself, believe me, I tried. Having to do without my computer for that amount of time didn't cause me too many withdrawal symptoms, because instead of getting up in the middle of the night to blog, I slept instead. This was a novel experience and caused me to have many weird dreams which I don't necessarily want to have again. I like my broken up nights better.

Tonight I woke up just as I was trying to make Beef Wellington from a book by a famous author whose recipe was not clear. You know I would have run into all sorts of frustrations if I had tried. It would have been a tough dream getting all the ingredients right, so I was glad that I woke up. I had enough sense to make coffee and have a cup and now I'm completely coherent and happy for the experience. I like this so much better than sleeping through the night. I really do my best thinking in the middle of the night. I still don't know why that is, but I'll just accept it as a given. 

Remember how I told you that I had started to wear make  up again? Well, I'm getting positive feedback on that so I'm on the right track. People also compliment me on my hair, though all I've done is comb it differently.  You see how little changes can make such a big difference. I'm glad for the positive feedback because it makes me want to try extra hard to make the effort. I know it's worth it to spend the extra fifteen minutes or so in front of the mirror in the morning. Well, it's actually not that long, but just by way of speaking. I do take my time applying my make up and taking care of my skin. Not necessarily in that order. 

I'm also paying extra attention to my clothes and trying to put together different outfits that I haven't worn before. That's a bit of a challenge but a lot of fun. I take immense pleasure in looking inside my closet and coming up with new combinations. I want for them to be flattering as well as warm enough and I usually succeed. I do have a few stand by's that are favorite pieces of clothing that I can always count on. They are basic parts of my wardrobe. 

I've been wearing necklaces to decorate myself with because the earrings have not been a big success. They do irritate my ears and I'm going to have to get some gold studs that I can always wear without the danger of getting an allergic reaction. There must be some nickel after all in the earrings that I do have. I saw some silver ones that I liked and that were affordable, but they are no option. They've got to be gold. Maybe those will be a treat to myself at Christmas. A woman's got to be good to herself, after all. I'll have to see what I can do. 

It's Friday again and the week has gone by very quickly, but then it usually does when I have a few appointments like I did this week. It doesn't take much to keep me busy. Just a few out of the ordinary things will do. If I have at least one event a day, I'm happy. Seeing my therapist this week was very good because she reaffirms my believe in myself and makes me feel very normal. You can't ask for more than that. The same goes for my personal helper, though she has a tendency to want to nurture me too much. I do have to prevent that from happening.

The dog's fur is growing in again and he is starting to look more like himself and more like the stuffed animal that he always used to looks like. It's very cute and makes you want to cuddle him all the time. It's much better than that scanty trimmed look that he had. Even the cat seems to like him better this way and constantly goes up to him to rub heads with him and press her body against him. He very generously lets her. 

It's time for me to go back to bed and get the rest of my sleep. I hate to go and could sit here for a while longer, but I do have to be sensible. Sometimes I have to be anyway. If only for limited periods of time. Tomorrow morning the Exfactor will no doubt wakep me up bright and early when he comes to do the groceries. 

Ciao,

Nora

Better get it straight from the beginning...

It's ever so pleasant to sit here with my cup of coffee in the middle of the night and to think that I'm the only person up in a radius of one kilometer. It's very necessary that I pretend that, otherwise I would not nearly feel the amount of freedom that I do now. I assume that anyone who is up, is also doing so quietly and reverentially in honor of the hour and the solemness of the darkness. He or she must be a fellow nighttime worshiper.

I'm making this statement with some amount of irony, in case that was not obvious. I'm really making fun of myself. I do have a tendency to take these nighttime sessions when I'm supposed to be asleep very seriously and give them more importance than they deserve. I need to lighten up about them and think of them in more humoristic terms. They are not as holy as I make them out to be. As a matter of fact, they are merely times out in my quest for sleep. 

I've switched from coffee to ice cold milk and the drinking of it will change my general attitude. The coldness always works on my frontal lobes. I think that's where the regulation of your emotions is. I probably freeze them and they go into shock. A general sort of malaise and giddiness comes over me. Of course, it all could be in my imagination, although I'm generally well grounded and not given to flights of fancy. At least, that's my own personal impression of myself.

It's with some amount of pleasure that I sit here because today is Friday and that means that it's almost the weekend which still is the part of the week that I enjoy the most and don't ask me why. It just is so.Today the Exfactor will be here and the domestic help and the day will go by quickly. At the end I will have groceries and a clean apartment and what better way to start the weekend? It's the little things like this that are so important to me. 

I'm going to wear something completely different today. Clothes that have just come out of the laundry and that I've looked forward to wearing. I love wearing freshly washed clothes and always feel like a new person in them. This outfit is especially good because it's almost brand new and hardly worn. The newness of it is still exciting. I can get so into my clothes at times, but I'm glad that I still care enough. It's when I stop caring that I'll start to worry. 

I've got to go back to bed. I need to get the rest of my sleep before the Exfactor shows up in the morning. I must get showered and dressed before he gets here. That's quite a feat. I don't know if I'll make it. I'm on the slow side in the morning and can't be rushed. I do need to sit in my bathrobe for a while and drink some coffee. 

I hope you'll all have a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora

Switching to a more normal gear...

is what I'm going to attempt to do anyway. I was already in bed, but couldn't sleep, so I got up again and had something to eat. I think I was just plain hungry and now I'm digesting my food. The thing is that I'd already taken my sleeping pill, so I'm slightly drowsy. I've made some coffee to wake me up and I'm drinking the first cup now. I should be right as rain in no time, but I always say that, don't I? 

If anything, I'm predictable. I'm also yawning something awful, but I enjoy being in this state. Well, I think I do...

Life's been treating me okay, but I have nothing exciting to write about and that's why I haven't written any posts lately. I don't have anything exciting to report now either, but I'll try to put some coherent thoughts down. I'll need another cup of coffee to do that effort justice. I need more caffeine to shake the drowsiness. 

I'm getting a little more clearheaded already. I think between the nicotine and the caffeine, my mind is being forced into wakefulness. My addictions force me into action. I'm grateful to the effect of both of them, but not to the addictions themselves. I wish every day to be without them. 

I wish to be on a deserted island for a year and to become medicine and addiction free. I imagine that very often and realize that at first I would have a very tough time. It would be a time of madness that I would have to get through, but afterwards I would be the true me without chemicals. Maybe I should check into a rehab clinic.

That's so much wishful thinking. 

I like being clearheaded much better the way I am now after my second cup of coffee. I'm not drowsy anymore and I've stopped yawning. My head's on straight and my thoughts are coherent. I could definitely pass for a normal person.

I let the dog out back and stood in the cold night air by the back door. It was very refreshing to say the least. The almost full moon was shining and it was a bright night. I could see everything and I'm chilled all the way through. It's nice to be back inside because it's comfortable in here. But it's a good thing that I'm wearing my bathrobe and socks because I need them. I do so very easily feel cold. 

It's officially Friday, so it is one of my favorite days. I have to get up early in the morning because the Exfactor will be here to do some groceries for me first thing. He wants to get an early start. I'll have to set the alarm clock when I go back to bed. I will try to drink some coffee and get dressed before he gets here. It's always a good idea to be wide awake when receiving a visitor. Even when it is someone as familiar as the Exfactor who won't mind if I'm in a stupor. I'll mind.

I hope you'll all have a lovely day when you get up. 

Ciao,

Nora

It takes a while...

I didn't really appreciate the dog barking at me tonight. I was sound asleep in my bed, after all. It was a wake up call. He had to go out back to do a piddle. 

I think he could have waited a few more hours to do that and have let me sleep a while longer, but apparently he doesn't think in such terms. When he has an urge, it has to be satisfied immediately.

Standing outside by the back door wasn't such a bad thing because it was nice and cool out there. It was a clear night, although rain had been predicted. I let the dog take his time and enjoyed the pleasant night air on my warm and sleepy body. This woke me up a bit more. 

When the dog came in, I reluctantly went inside and locked the door. I was sufficiently cooled off anyway.

I turned on the computer and made a pot of coffee. Having learned my lesson last night, I have been making the coffee less strong and this has been a success. It still is strong enough to wake me up properly and get me in a functioning mode. It's not so strong that it upsets my stomach, which has been known to happen. 

I have also been making less coffee all at once, so I'm pouring less down the kitchen drain and I feel very economically sensible. 

That's the terminology you use nowadays instead of saying that you're frugal. Frugality is an old fashioned concept and something our grandparents practiced. We could all draw a lesson from them and learn how to live sensibly. It was waste not, want not in those days. 

All we need to do is go back and have the mindset of those days. We'd be satisfied quicker and learn to get by with less.

The wind has picked up and is blowing the fallen, dried leaves through the street. We may be in for a change of weather. Rain was predicted for the night and possibly it will arrive now. I'm looking forward to it and I hope it will gently fall soon. There's nothing better to listen to while I'm lying in bed.

Except for the gentle snoring of the dog, of course. 

I hope you'll all have a nice Friday. 

Ciao,

Nora

Moving in ever smaller circles...

For some reason I'm totally indifferent to the fact that today is Friday. Really, any day of the week would be alright with me. I have no preference right now. All the days of the week seem to go by smoothly and one day is not actually that much different than the other. 

Today will have its own interesting elements, but none of these will be earth shattering or mind blowing. My life never does take drastic turns like that and I guess I prefer it that way. I certainly don't want too much excitement. A little bit of that would be more than enough. 

I suppose I would like a few highlights besides taking the dog for brisk walks in the cold autumn air. Those in themselves are a pleasure, of course. The weather is perfect right now and it is a joy to be outside warmly dressed. There's enough sunshine to make me cheerful and the dog gallivants around happily too.

I guess I would like a trip downtown with my sister to pick up my glasses, but the optician hasn't called to tell me they're ready to be picked up yet. I will have to wait patiently. I would also like a visit to the hairdresser, but my next appointment isn't until two weeks from now, so that's something I can't look forward to right now. That's something for later.

The Exfactor and the domestic help are going to be here today, so that's going to put some restrictions on my movements. They will both be here for good causes, so I shouldn't complain about it. And I wasn't about to. I guess the nice thing about Friday is that some necessary things do get done and that gets me ready for the weekend. 

I'm starting to yawn and I'll have to go back to bed. First I'll take my medicines because it's almost morning. I like for them to already work when I get up again. It makes the waking up process easier. I also don't have to worry about what time I get up. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting colder...

It's in the middle of the night and I'm sitting here acting like I'm awake, which I may not quite be.  I'm waiting for the coffeemaker to get done so I can have some much needed caffeine. I'm only half the woman I can be without it. Never let it be said that I can function without my cup of coffee because it isn't so. I need it like flowers need rain.

I can't believe today is Friday again. The week has flown by. It seems like only yesterday since I started out so cheerfully. At least, that's how I remember me starting. It went by very quickly anyway and I think I got enough done. It was a full week by my standards. The most fun was picking out my new glasses, although I now have to wait a while before I get to wear them. 

We've gone from wet, windy weather to the cold, sunny kind. Yesterday I had to close the windows and turn on the heater because the dog started shivering from the cold. I can't have that. I did feel awfully sorry for him and am thinking about buying him a sweater at the pet store. I think he's too naked in his newly trimmed fur. 

I've got heartburn and I'm not a happy camper. I've had it ever since I had ketchup with my dinner last night. I hadn't eaten it in a very long time and it didn't agree with me at all. I've been chewing antacid tablets and now I've only got one left. The coffee isn't really agreeing with me either. What I really need is something very soothing. I'll just have to drink water, although I wonder if drinking some sort of tea would be better.

 

I've got to go back to bed. It isn't nearly time to stay up yet and I've got some hours left to sleep. Going back to bed in the middle of the night is always a pleasure because it's when I do my best sleeping. It's when I'm no longer dependent on my sleeping pill. 

It's a short post, but that's all I've got in me right now. Blame my stomach's  discomfort. 

I hope you will all have a nice day once you are up and about. 

Ciao,

Nora

Trying it one more time...

I wrote such a dull post last night, that I feel that I have to give it another shot and try to improve on it with another post. I don't know yet if this one is going to turn out any better, but I'm going to make a sincere attempt. I can always delete it if it turns into nothing at all, said I, the wisest woman on the block. Ahem...

First I had to make myself a decent pot of coffee instead of drinking a cup of this heated up old coffee that wasn't doing a thing for me. I do need a sufficient supply of mind strengthening beverages when I want to blog well. This task is not to be taken on lightly. I do realize the seriousness of the attempt.

It's best to go on automatic pilot and to write without giving it too much thought. I can edit later. I will rely on my stream of consciousness. Of course, I'm assuming I'm in the possession of such a gift. I must not be waylaid by such concerns and pretend that I am. I possess a huge amount of consciousness and will now put it to work for me, come hell or high water.

Of course, the minute I try, I become stuck for words showing all my inhibitions. I'm a mere human being after all. I used to think I had great meditative qualities and that I could subconsciously make my mind do whatever I pleased. I wanted to reach nirvana and be one with the greater secret of the universe. I never did achieve that state but I had fun trying. 

Now I don't seriously meditate anymore, except that I regularly contemplate my navel while seated in my armchair. I no longer try to reach that blissful state of heavenly existence. That to me is too much like being in a hypo-manic condition. I avoid that if at all possible. I don't want to feel detached from the earth and take on wings. I need to be very much grounded. I would be a fool to attempt bliss. 

Being grounded in reality is my ultimate goal and where I feel most comfortable. That way I can't pull the wool over my own eyes. I always have to face up to the way things really are. Or at least my own perception of them in as straight a manner as I can think about them. Although I am steeped in realism, I do think I sometimes look at the world through rose colored glasses, but who doesn't? 

You'd have to be a fool not to because it would break your heart to look at it any other way all the time. I can't be that callous and continue to live comfortably with myself. You must be allowed to escape from the harsh reality of life. We all do that each in our own way. 

Basically I'm an optimist who sees the glass half full but sometimes even I have my doubts about that. I tend to find the cause of that altered point of view in my own personal make up but isn't it equally likely that it comes from outside causes? How much does environment play a role in how we perceive the world and ourselves?

I did not mean for this to turn into such a philosophical post, but that's what you get when you let your stream of consciousness take over. I'm always very much aware of the insignificant role I play in this world and my large thoughts about it. Under different circumstances I could have played a more influential role, but fate did not decree that. 

I've had my cups of coffee and am fully awakened. Now it is my job to get tired again for a little while because I have to sleep for a few more hours. I will have to drink a glass of warm milk. That usually does the job. The domestic help is coming this morning and I do have to be up on time to let her in. That means I have to be dressed on time too.

Thank good it's Friday again. It will blissfully be the weekend. I say that as if it matters all that much. My weekdays are not bad anymore and I have no real reason to look forward to the weekend so much. It's just the idea of it and the potential freedom. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Almost standing still...

It's impossible not to be glad that it's Friday evening. Finally the week is over. It's not that it cost me that much effort, but it did seem to take a long time for it to be over. The days didn't pass as quickly as they normally do. 

I don't know why that was. There just seemed to be a hitch in the system and to take twice as long to get to the end of the week. It seems ages ago since it was Monday and I so bravely started out.

I was full of goodwill at the beginning, but ran into a cloud of anxiety somewhere around the middle of the week and have only just been able to extract myself. 

Luckily, I was able to deal with it and it did not cause me to reach for the tranquilizers. I did lots of chores instead and am all caught up. Well no, I do have some dishes to do, but they can wait until tomorrow morning. 

I don't want to become too efficient. I'll become like one of those neurotic housewives who has a spotless house and who can't stand any kind of mess. I can see the danger lurking around the corner now. 

This afternoon, I got my hair cut because I was using the hairspray too much to keep my hair in place. That's always a sure sign that it needs to be cut. 

It was a pleasant interlude to the day, as it usually is. I got pampered properly and I've got a decent haircut that I won't have to worry about for a while. 

It had been too long since I was at the hairdresser last. I must remember to go sooner the next time. I'm not kind enough to myself because I do enjoy going there and it doesn't cost an arm and a leg.

The sun has been shining all day, although it has been a bit chilly. That's my kind of weather, though. This weekend it's gong to be warm and I'll be able to go out without a jacket. I'm less pleased about that than I should be. 

I've got to walk the dog. He's been very feisty the last few days and really needs the exercise. He thinks he's a puppy again. He's impatiently waiting for me to get done now.

I hope you'll all have a great weekend.

Ciao,

Nora

The weekday blues...

Much to my dismay, it is Monday morning again and it seems that the weekend flew by in no time at all. I sure as heck don't know what happened to it. It seemed it was Friday evening only just a very short time ago. I think the weekends are too short to enjoy properly and they ought to be three days long instead of two. 

As of now, I'm making Friday a weekend day also. I'll just have to ignore the fact that the domestic help will be here that day cleaning my apartment. If I just overlook that minor inconvenience, I should have no problem treating Fridays as a day off. It will be for the sake of my peace of mind that I do it. 

It would be better for my state of mind if I treated every day like a day off, but I don't think you can get away with that in real life. Responsibilities do have a way of piling up. Maybe if I approached them differently it would make a difference, but I have not yet found a way to do that. 

I would want to approach them lightheartedly with hardly any care. Really, that's all they need. I don't have to put so much serious effort into them. They are never matters of life or death, yet I act as if they are. I act like the load is heavier to bear than it really is. I need to lighten up. 

I need to have a weekend attitude during the week. In the weekends I do chores too, but somehow they seem to weigh less, as if they are not so very crucial and they are done easier. But then I've always liked the weekends better. Even when I still had my kids and they were home from school.

Weather wise it's actually going to be a nice day today with partial cloudy skies and enough sunshine. The temperature is going to be pleasant and I won't have to dress so warm. I can open the windows again after a cold night.

It will be the usual emotionally exhausting day with both my personal helper and the domestic help being here one after the other. I never look forward to that and I have to mentally prepare myself for it. I have to shore up my defenses to deal with it. I always look forward to the moment when everybody is gone again. 

I always feel like I survived that time and that the time spent alone after it is my reward for it. So, all I have to do is hang in there long enough and be patient and wait it out. Soon enough I will be by myself again, although it doesn't seem soon enough to me. Maybe I need to make a change in my arrangements. It may be time to rethink some things. 

I've got to go back to bed for a while and get some more sleep before the first person gets here. I do need a few hours more sleep. It's just becoming dawn. I could stay up now and start the day, but there's no sense in being up so early. I'd like to postpone the inevitable just a while longer.

It's time to take my medicines and have a glass of milk. The dog's been out back and he's sound asleep in the armchair. We should be all set for a few more hours. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

Imaginary skirmishes...

I'm really going to try and write a post for this blog now because it's been a while since I've done that. I never seem to get around to it anymore, although it used to be my habit after I took a nap in the afternoon. My naps have become longer, or I have been taking them later. Either way, I don't get around to writing posts and end up in front of the TV watching the news instead. 

Today I'm really late, so it doesn't matter what I do now. My schedule is completely turned upside down, but I don't mind because it's Friday. I ate lunch late so I'm still full and I don't need to eat anything for a long while because it was a big lunch by my standards. I may never eat again. Maybe that's what accounts for my big nap. It was my very full stomach. 

Now that I fit in size 12 hip hugging, skinny jeans, I really want to lose the rest of my weight. I'm very motivated and I don't want any unnecessary food to pass my lips. I have love handles that I want to get rid off and a couple of tops that I really want to wear, but that are too tight. I would look ridiculous in them, so they're laying on a stack waiting for me to fit into them. I tell myself that with enough persistence, I will. 

I can be as stubborn as the next person and once I have an idea in my head, it's hard to change my mind about it. I'm visualizing a skinny person and that's what I'll be.

I'm having a wonderful cup of coffee and am thinking about a glass of milk. I think I will stick to coffee because I need to be bright eyed and bushy tailed. I still have to walk the dog and I have the feeling that he's not going to be happy with a short walk. 

At least it doesn't look like it's going to rain like it did earlier when the sky was so threatening and dark gray. It's not at all warm outside, but that's okay with me. I can just put on my favorite jacket. My black leather one...the one that's getting too big on me.

*

The dog became impatient and I had to take him for a walk. It turned out that some rainclouds had moved in, unbeknown to me, and we didn't go for a long walk after all. I did let him sniff extensively all over the place as long as we weren't too far from home. He took his time doing that and smelled every blade of grass and every bush. He's now very happily chowing down on his kibbles which he had ignored before.

I'm having another cup of coffee and am not worrying about the rest of the evening. Time is going by quickly and half of the evening has already sped by. I will watch some TV later on, but tonight there's no thriller on despite the network's promise that there would be every evening. You can't believe anyone nowadays. Every night does not apparently mean, every night. 

I've had to turn the lights on already in the living room, it was so gloomy. Today may be the first of July, but the weather certainly isn't acting like it. A little bit of sunshine would be okay.

I hope you all have a good evening. I'm making the best of mine. 

Ciao,

Nora

Keeping up with myself...

Thank god it's Friday! The domestic help has been here and cleaned up the place and now I get to enjoy the results all in my own company. There is something to be said for that. Being alone in a clean place is sort of like being alone in a temple without an altar, unless you count the computer desk as one. It makes you feel very peaceful and tranquil and you know that for a while everything will stay as uncluttered  and clean as it is. Until you dirty that first ashtray and that first soup bowl and glass for you milk. It's almost a sin to move around in here and I do it reluctantly. 

The fact that it's Friday adds some joy to my life, although I can't for the life of me figure out why it does so much. You'd think I was going on a mini vacation or something. I act like I have something wonderful to look forward to, while all it is is two empty days to do with as I please. And I will do nothing important with them at all. I will sleep late and watch a lot of television and walk the dog and be in my own company. If I'm lucky, I'll read my book. 

My main goal this weekend is to find my equilibrium which I had lost this past week. I think I'm already on my way, because I'm having a relatively peaceful day today. I am aware of the fact that I'm regularly trying to find my balance and that little things influence it and that I have to readjust myself now and then. But slowly and surely I'm becoming more secure of myself and less frightened that I'll not feel stable. I do have to add that I'm finding much relief from my medication and am very much aware when it's working after I've taken it. 

Right now it is the very little things in life that give me the most satisfaction. That's why I'm so happy with my clean apartment. It rained briefly just a while ago and I loved the way the air smelled afterwards. If only someone could bottle that. You would wish for your laundry to smell that way. There's a strong breeze blowing and it has cooled off the apartment by a whole degree. I'm sitting here in my warm gray cardigan with my socks on. To me that is pure bliss. 

I will take a nap in a little while and enjoy the coolness of the dark bedroom under the warmth of the duvet. It will just be a little nap, but it will refresh me for the rest of the day. I find that a nap in the afternoon does me a world of good. It's mostly for the sake of my brain that I take one. It's like pushing the reset button and I always have lots of renewed energy when I wake up, although I do need a cup of coffee to get the cobwebs out of my mind. It's not a perfect system, but it suits me. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Where was I?

I've put the radio/CD player back in the bedroom. I decided that I missed it too much at night when I went to bed. It was too silent when I was laying there waiting to fall asleep. I thought that maybe it was too much of a stimulus, but I was wrong. The radio keeps me company and I fall asleep with it on easily. It distracts me and keeps me from thinking complicated thoughts. That's very important. 

I'm not here by myself in the living room. The domestic help is washing the windows. She does a very good job at them, better than I could. She knows how to wash them without getting streaks. That's why she is the domestic help. She's got a lot of experience. Tyke is watching her do her work. He likes her very much and is always very interested in what she does.

It's noontime and I've just taken my medicines, all except my afternoon anti-psychotic tablet. I'm not supposed to take that now. This is in an effort to further reduce them. I think I'm doing okay, except that I'm a little bit grumpy. It's not such a horrible thing to be grumpy, of course, and I'm sure I'll get over it. I don't think that it's anything important. I'll mention it to my psychiatrist when he calls me later. I mustn't make a mountain out of a molehill.

My psychiatrist just called me and I told him that I was a bit grumpy. He asked me if I thought it was a sign that I was entering a different mood. I told him that I didn't think so and that I really wasn't too worried. I don't think that I'm going to get hypo-manic or depressed right now. At least, I assume I won't. He wants me to reduce my anti-depressives also starting today. We're doing this very carefully and I'm seeing him next week. It's good to have the extra control while I do this.

I shouldn't really worry about a thing and just assume that all will be well. I'm tougher than the absence of a pill anyway. I will not be defeated. 

It has started to rain again and as far as I can see, the street is completely clear of snow and ice. What a relief that is. It had stopped being fun quite some time ago. Now the river is very full and almost at the highest level. All sorts of precautions are beings taken. There's a lot of melt water from upstream that is finding its way into it from Belgium and France, but also from the smaller rivers here. Some land is being allowed to flood, it is designated for that. That's better than having some of the villages flood. 

It's 11 degrees Celsius (50F), that's quite warm for us. I have the bedroom windows open to air out the apartment. I had to go sit in my bedroom with the animals while the domestic help vacuumed the front of the apartment and mopped it. Neither Tyke nor Gandhi likes the vacuum cleaner and we don't want them walking on the wet floors. They do leave behind paw prints. That's really not that awful, but I pretend it is for the sake of the domestic help. 

I'm done being grumpy now and feel quite alright. I'm ready for the remainder of this Friday. I don't know what I'm going to do with it yet, but I'm sure I'll find some way to stay out of trouble. I usually do. I just mustn't show any kind of extreme behavior. I mustn't be too happy or too sad. That's a tall order. I think I'm up to it, though. I took a little nap on the sofa this morning and would be more than happy to take another one, but I think I'll go watch the speed skating championships on television. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora

Getting caught up...

Because of the long sleepless night I had last night, during which I searched for new blog templates for all my blogs and installed them, I was left short of sleep and it took many naps today to get me caught up again. Every time I thought I was done sleeping, I was not and nodded off behind the computer. Now I finally have the feeling that I'm done sleeping.

I just took Tyke for a walk in the stormy weather and the brisk wind woke me up completely. The nice cup of coffee I'm having is doing the rest. When I first woke up from my last nap, I was in a terrible mood and I knew I would have to make some coffee, despite the lateness of the day. I was right and the first cup helped improve my mood tremendously. I could think happy thoughts again.

I think I was actually in a hypo-manic mood during the night, so those of you who were concerned, were rightly so. Luckily, I was tired enough today for it not to continue and sleeping took care of it. I'll have to see how it goes tonight and if I manage to go to bed on time and stay asleep. I have the feeling that I'm going to be up for a while and that I'm not going to see my bed before midnight. I will put my pajamas on before that time, so that I will at least be ready to go when the time comes.  

I took Tyke out for a walk at the right time, because now the rain is lashing against the windows again and it is very stormy. It has been all day, because we are in a low pressure system that is spread over Western Europe. The weather has been horrid and I've had to turn on the heater part of the day. Luckily, it is now nice and warm in here and I've turned it off. Once it is warm in here, it stays warm for a long time. That was so awful this summer, but it is nice in the wintertime. 

Tomorrow it's Friday again. Can you believe it? Where did the week go? I can't sleep during the day tomorrow, because I have the personal helper and the domestic help coming. I must sleep during the night. I have to do some chores in the morning too, but maybe I can do those with my personal helper, although I need her help with filling out a form. I will never get that done if we don't sit down together and do that. It's a case of mental block on my part. 

Onward I go. I must answer emails. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Je ne sais pas...

I've posted photographs of the living room here in my last post, so if you missed those, go have a look there. It would be a shame if you missed those after all the effort I went through to post them, lol. I don't post pictures every day, you know! Although, come to think of it, maybe I should do that more often.

Here's one of Gandhi I took a few months ago.

And here's one of Tyke I took yesterday.

Every once in a while, like right now when I've done a frustrating job, I get the strong urge to light up a cigarette. I see myself going through the motions in my mind and really long for one, but I have no tobacco in the apartment and I have to get through the moment on my own without any help. I sip my coffee and think relaxing thoughts and try to calm myself down. I tell myself it's only a temporary longing I'm going through, that it will disappear after a while and that I've gone through worse things.

I just did deep breathing exercises, as if I was deeply inhaling smoke, but I was inhaling nothing but air. I did that for a few minutes and it got me over the moment. I must remember that trick, because it really works. My chest feels as if it has done some work and I had to cough. That's good. It will get all the gunk out. You learn something new every day. No doubt my brain is benefiting from all the oxygen too. The desire for a cigarette is gone.

What wasn't gone was my desire to eat a couple of teaspoons of peanut butter straight from the jar, so I had some of those and they were good, though now I'm very full. My eyes were bigger than my stomach (gastric band) and I'm burping very unladylike.

Can you believe today is Friday? Isn't that wonderful? I have my personal helper and the domestic help coming today and after that I will be released from my biggest obligations. I'm planning on doing a lot of reading and sleeping this weekend. For some reason I have the need for those two activities the most. It's because I'll feel relaxed enough to indulge in them. I feel like hibernating and cocooning. It must be because of all the changes that were made this past week. It takes a person a while to get used to them and they do wear you out.

With all the dawdling I've done writing this, and I've done nothing but, it's become morning and I will make a new pot of coffee, because the old one is empty. I only made enough for three cups anyway. I've got to take a shower in a while and wash my hair which I can't do a thing with. Though come to think of it, I may go to bed for a while and sleep some more first. Maybe that will be a better idea. It's early enough still.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

A good Friday!

What an understatement that is, it's gone so well up to now...

I just got back from downtown, where I sat at the outdoor café with Von and drank cappuccino and espresso and watched early autumn leaves drop from the tall trees that shade the square. It's too early in the season, but some of the leaves are changing color and dropping to the ground and the strong wind helped shake them off the lower branches.

In a way, it is a nice sight and not so awful. It makes you feel kind of warm and cozy inside, especially if your sitting there in a warm and cuddly jacket that your friend has just given you out of the blue. It has many buttons and is soft and fuzzy and has a hood, perfect for this coming season. I was very pleasantly surprised and after trying it on, kept it on all afternoon.

We had to do a lot of talking, because we had not seen each other in at least 3 weeks. That's a long time when you're best friends. So we talked up a storm, almost literally, because the wind kept picking up and playing around the square quite strongly. There were rain clouds in the sky, but we did not get rained on.

We walked to a big department store and checked out the creative department for a special pen that Von was looking for and I saw lots of neat stuff. I could have a real field day in there. There is so much to choose from and there are things there I had not even thought of.

We also went to the top floor, because I had to use the toilet, and there we saw some neat mugs with sayings on them, so we bought each other a mug. I bought Von a mug that says, "You are my cup of tea, " and she bought me one that says, "I miss you more than coffee." We exchanged them with a grin and a kiss after we had paid for them. They were wrapped up in tissue paper and a bag. It's so nice to buy someone something they are really going to use.

This morning at creative therapy, I got a big white canvas and a big black felt tip pen and the challenge to make a drawing. Of course, I had been thinking about it all week, so I knew what I was going to draw, but the canvas was much bigger than I expected, so I had to take in the scale of it and draw bigger than I thought I was going to. After I filled half the canvas, I got out some acrylic colors and started to paint, which was a lot of fun and gave me a good idea of what in the world I was doing.

Everything is going to need two coats of paint, which is alright, because I enjoy the painting process. It is a very serene activity. So far I've used burnt sienna and moss green. I'll give those two coats first before I go on with the rest and then Iĺl finish drawing.

While I was painting, it started to rain and it rained hard, which is what we really needed and everything got a good soaking. It was really nice and a little dark outside, so inside it was very cozy and bright. Luckily it stopped by the time I had to go home and walk the dog. Everything was very refreshed, though, and the skies were stormy looking and the wind was blowing hard. My short hair almost got blown off my head. It all blew to one side and when I got home, I had to fix it with wax. Push everything back into place.

The Exfactor stopped by on his way home from the library and had a cup of coffee and we had a minute chat while Jesker tried to get all the attention in all possible ways. We sat at the table and Jesker's too short to look on top of it to see if we have anything good to eat. He just assumes we do. You can imagine the rest. The cats jump on top of the table and make him quite jealous. He wishes he could do that too, but he can hardly stand on his hind legs.

When I went downtown, I had to ride my bike into the wind and it was a little hard sometimes. When I got to the bridge, it was too steep and too windy for me to get up there, so I had to get off my bike and walk it up. I was out of breath when I got to the top, but when I rode it down on the other side, I almost couldn't brake on time for someone on a scooter. All I could yell was, "Sorry!" I hope he heard me. He was probably thinking, "Darn middle aged women on their bikes!" I hope he thought I was middle aged and not old.

Well, now I have to go and walk the dog again. Duty calls me. So does the sunshine and the wind. I like stormy weather and I wouldn't mind some more rain after I get in.

Have a good evening!

Ciao...

I don't know...

I don't know what has gotten over the Überhund. It is way past his dinnertime and all he does is sleep beneath the computer desk. Snoring a bit too, gone from the world. His internal clock must be mixed up today. Maybe if I get myself a mug of decaf, he will wake up and realize that he is hungry.

Yes, well, that did it. He realized I was gone and had to go look for me first, but not in the obvious place. When he found me and I asked him if he wanted to eat, all three cats sped into the kitchen. I think they know the meaning of those words better than he does. He is just a wee bit slow of understanding sometimes. It takes awhile for the synapses to make the connections. I think his neurons aren't always firing properly.

Oh yes, now he wants to go out, of course, so I let him out back for a piddle, but I think it is not enough. He wants the real thing. Quick, I have to think of a diversionary tactic. I know, I'll put ointments in his eyes and give him a treat. That should divert him for a bit. He is looking at me with his big begging eyes. Oh, boy.

The good news is, that I now also get to go to a creative therapy class on Friday mornings with the same therapist, in the same creative space where I am on Mondays. I heard that bit of good news today. I am thrilled to pieces, because now I have therapy on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings, just what I wanted. There was a waiting list for the Friday class, so I don't know how I managed to get this spot, but I am very happy with it. You don't look a gift horse in the mouth, right? Or don't you say that in English?

Right, I am going to walk the Überhund now, so we'll both have peace of mind.

--------------------

Today I had ergo therapy and we all got a chance to talk, including me, and I told them about my rather tumultuous week without the sleeping pills and how that ended up and I actually got complimented by several people, which I was not expecting at all, for having solved the problem on my own eventually. My take on it was that I had behaved somewhat dimwitted and had gotten myself into a mess, but they saw me as someone who had gotten herself out of a mess independently. That sort of blew my mind. The therapist said that for someone who had been hypomanic I had acted pretty responsibly in the end. Doesn't that just blow you away?

Well, I left there feeling pretty good about myself and excited about the extra class, but I'll tell you something. I am really tired right now. I am just plain bushed. I feel as if I've done a lot of work, when really I haven't, but I think it is just the mental strain from the past week that's catching up with me. I am going to bed early tonight and I hope I sleep for a long time. That's what I absolutely need to do. So, I'll just plan on that then.

Right, off I go. Have a good evening. Don't be stubborn like I am.

Ciao...