In the black blue yonder...

It is in the wee hours of the morning again and I have been up for awhile. I'm drinking my second cup of coffee and am incredibly thirsty. I'm almost out of milk and will have to take powdered creamer in my coffee shortly, which is not a pleasure to me, but it is better than drinking it black. I have not had my coffee black in a very long time and I don't like it now. I'm also almost out of lemonade, so things are dire. I do have a bottle of lemon juice that I can make lemonade with if I add enough sugar and I will try that next. It will be a real thirst quencher if a make it not too sweet.

For some unfathomable reason I decided to stay up after I had gotten up to go to the toilet tonight. I didn't want to go back to sleep and decided that was boring. I decided I had better things to do with my time. Well, you can guess what those things were, right? Sitting behind the computer and wasting my time that way, because it's so nice to be up in the middle of the night. I'm so incredibly clear headed, after all. Actually, I'm over courageous and make bold statements in the emails I send out. I try to tell myself, though, that it's the real me speaking and that it's the real way I am. A tough broad with an attitude. One that can't be easily labeled and fit into a box. It's time to give that person some breathing space.

The early birds are singing in the hour before dawn. They are full of good hope like I am. They must know the secret to a happy life. I'm now going to see how long it actually takes for it to get light. I think it will be in another 20 minutes or so.

I have a great desire to hit the open road and to keep going through the endless countryside until I come to my destination, which I will recognize when I get there. That's what I used to do when I lived in California and had my car. I loved traveling and going to unknown places. Little towns on the coast with roadside restaurants and small supermarkets to buy supplies at and a motel to spend the night. A bottle of wine, a can of oysters and a box of crackers to have for the evening. A six pack of cokes to start the day with, my own company and a walk through town. Those were the days of freedom. I have fond memories of them.

They sure are in shrill contrast to the relatively sheltered life I live now. I couldn't be further removed from that person I was then to how I am now. I must try to regain some of that old spirit. I must get back to my liberated roots. My emancipated self who had set herself free, but who I subsequently grew fearful of. I thought she was a dangerous and unpredictable woman, when in fact she was wonderful, if not a little unguided. I have experience on my side now and could use her very much. Maybe we will be witness to a new liberation. Maybe I will set that woman free again. I must embrace her points of view and her attitude and not reject her stand in life. She had a valid vision that I must no longer reject. I must own up to it. The sooner we set that woman free, the better.

I realize that I have been rejecting a large part of me and keeping that part from existing by sheer willpower and force. It's been misguided shame and guilt that has kept me actively doing this from the middle class rules of morality that I find myself submerged in. They are not my rules and I reject them, but I've been trying to conform to them all this time, walking on a tightrope that had me constantly off balance in a very precarious situation. It's time I got over that good and well, and got back to my own set of rules. My own sense of morality. I'll decide how morally solid I am. I will use my own guidelines. I'll make up my own mind about it.

It's been dawn now for a little while. The first birds have stopped singing and I'm waiting for the second set to begin. It's very appropriate that it became dawn as I was writing this. My timing was accidentally excellent.

I've had the last of the lemonade and I think I will have the last of the milk too. I'm so thirsty. It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day. I have to go water the potted plants in my sister's garden. I will do that this morning when I walk Tyke. I won't wait too long to do that. It's nice and quiet outside now and it's light enough to go out. I will dress warmly, though, because it's been a cold night.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

Saturday Morning.

It's -12C outside, so I'm not quite ready yet to go and walk the dog. I hope he can wait a while until it gets just a bit warmer. I'm sure all the ice skating fanatics are ready at every bit of open water that's frozen over and are out there tying on their skates now before it gets to crowded on the ice. There are a lot of ice skating fanatics in this country. It's in the blood. Last year there was lots of good skating on natural ice, so nearly everybody has skates now and they will want to put them to good use. I wonder if there will be another run on skates by the people who didn't manage to get a pair last season, because they were all sold out. The manufacturers couldn't keep up with the demand.

I managed to sleep eight hours last night, yet after I got up and had my breakfast and took my morning medication and answered some emails, I went back to bed and slept another three hours. I don't know if that is because of the tranquilizers that I take or because I just needed the additional sleep. I would have to try and not take the tranquilizers some morning and find out, Maybe I can do that tomorrow and see what happens. I'm reluctant to go without any of my medicines, because of the changes in my constitution, but sometimes it's worth trying to see if it makes any difference in my energy levels. Like I am doing now with the antipsychotic.

I haven't noticed any difference so far in my interest in tackling the apartment and that is what I'm really waiting for. I'm waiting for that little burst of energy that will get me started on the jobs I have to do. Some boost in my level of interest in getting those things done. The fact that I care enough to. Right now I don't see that changing. I am mostly uninterested in most anything I would have to do and I find myself putting off other things as well until the moment that they can't be put off any longer. I guess it's the approaching deadline that works as a motivating factor for me right now, but it's always looming over me as the sword of Damocles. It's not how it ought to be. I hope to see some change in that today.

--------------------

I've just been absent for quite a while. I had to walk the dog and then I got distracted by a website that offered very good wallpaper, but I had to click through the images randomly, so sometimes it took a while before I found a good one. It was just the sort of almost mindless job that I was interested in, because every once in a while I got excited when I found one that I liked and I could save. That's the kind of work I need to do. Just stick me behind a computer and let me do mind numbing work that occasionally is exciting to keep my interest going. There must be lots of jobs like that.

I pick images that I'd like to have on my screen as wallpaper, but I also have been using them as images for the tops of my posts lately and I got feedback that they were well liked. So, the only criteria I have, is if I would like the image as a wallpaper. If the answer is yes, then I download it and save it. You wouldn't believe the good stuff that you can find on the Internet and it's all anarchistically for free. No, the Internet is not democratic. It's a jungle and a free for all. We assume we will all be polite and gentlemanly, but whose to say we will be? It's amazing that it works so well. Just don't hang out in the fringes.

Of course, I'm not getting anything valuable done, though I did just clean up cat barf. Gandhi had eaten dog food and was too greedy with the obvious result. For some reason the dog decided not to eat it and I had not noticed that, being so wrapped up in what I was doing. I do have a one track mind sometimes and only a gagging cat will disturb me.

It's time to come back to reality and have a good look around me and see what I am going to do with the rest of my day. I am wasting my time fruitfully. I can get so lost in things, I'm sure you all have the same problem, but isn't that pleasant, though? It's really nice when you're doing something that completely takes your mind off things and lets you not have a care in the world for a while. I completely forgot my surroundings, I was so lost in those images. It just goes to show you which photos you don't have to take, because they've already been taken by somebody else, unless you want them as your own mementos.

It also shows you which photos are just pure kitsch and that you should not take them for the sake of good taste. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but when you see many of them like it on a photography website, you realize they're no good and it is a waste of time to take them. Photos of babies and puppies and kittens and pretty young women are a dime a dozen. Those aren't the winning photographs. Besides, nowadays you can't take photos of half naked children without feeling that they're going to be exploited somehow. I would be very uncomfortable placing them. Equally with shots of alluring young women. Why do we need them anyway, if not to draw the male viewer in with promises of sensuality? Those are not the photographs that are appealing to me and I'm certainly not going to download them, although some of them are quite beautiful. There's so much you don't want to do in this day and age. We're past the age of innocence.

Oh, I'm moralizing, aren't I? Well, I will get off my soap box and get back down to street level where I belong. I certainly can't dictate good taste, although I think everyone should have it. I do realize it develops depending on your circumstances and what you are exposed to. I know that when I lived a middle class life, my tastes were much more pedestrian, although they were slightly more enlightened then your average housewife. I was not as evolved as I am now and who's to say that I am all that evolved now compared to other more enlightened human beings? I may still be very limited in my points of view and be unaware of a whole lot of observations on life that I've not been exposed to. I try my best, though, to stay open and aware.

Well, having wasted a good portion of the day, I will draw an end to this epistle and see if I can do some other things instead. Packaging books may be a useful thing to do. It's always a lot of work and it will keep me busy for a while. I hope I don't run out of steam halfway through. I must finish it all at once.

Have a good day you all. 't Is the weekend before Christmas and no doubt you're all busy getting ready for that. Don't forget to take a breather every now and then.

Ciao,
Nora

This morning...

I'm feeling less like a hypochondriac this morning and more like a regular person who probably just is fighting a little infection. All of your comments have shaken some common sense into me and it is what I needed. I do have an imagination that will go on the run with me, which is fine when you are writing works of fiction or creating art, but in real life it doesn't do you much good. It is much better to keep both feet firmly planted on the ground and stay in the moment and not imagine all sorts of far fetched scenarios.

Now, as you can see, I'm not at the grocery store, but still sitting here in my pajamas and having my coffee and cigarettes. It's awfully tough to get dressed in the morning when there is no one here to shout at you that you ought to get the show on the road. Actually, I will have to get that show on the road in about an hour, because I have an appointment with the hairdresser. I decided yesterday that I couldn't do a thing with my hair that looked halfway good and that it needed to be cut shorter. So, in a while I get to have the pleasure of someone washing my hair and fiddling with it, which I always very much enjoy. I do like going to the hairdresser. I would go once a week, if my hair grew that fast.

In the meantime, I'm taking advantage of my spare time between getting up and going there by answering my emails and directing the animals to the correct bowls of food. The cats are trying to eat the dog's food and he is letting them and no amount of interference on my part is making any difference. I chase them away and they keep coming back and the dog does nothing. He just lies there and watches them do it. He has no sense of ownership this morning. It has completely deserted him. Luckily, the cats have little stomachs and are quickly filled up and there's more than enough left for the dog.

I'm actually not too worried about doing the groceries, because I will be wearing my new boots and sporting a new haircut when I go and somehow that gives me courage. Isn't that funny? As if I will be a smarter and better person because of that. It's all in the image, people. I suppose I think it's what I show on the outside what counts. I'm sure I judge people the same way myself, although I'm not consciously aware of it. I must make all sorts of assumptions about how someone looks. It's very middle class of me. I told you before, I think, that I'm a little bit bourgeois, it runs in the family and it has for generations. That song of Jacques Brell would be very appropriate for my ancestors.

It's only 3C outside so it's actually a bit on the cold side. I don't know how much I like that, because it's also supposed to rain today. Most likely the wind will blow also and that will mean that it will be the kind of weather I like least of all. At least I will have the proper hairdo for it, indestructible. It's the only kind of hair to have in this climate, either very short or long in a pony tail. You can't have a Grace Kelly hairdo.

I've got to get dressed and walk the dog. He is patiently waiting for me. I will finish this when I get back from the hairdresser...



...I'm back from the hairdresser with a very good haircut. A new girl cut my hair, so it was a bit nerve wrecking in that I didn't know if she would follow my instructions well, but she did and cut it just the way I told her to and she did a very good job. So I am satisfied. Now I am exhausted and feel like taking a nap, as if going to the hairdresser has been a major job that I took on, when really it was nothing at all. Still, I feel very sleepy and I think I need to go lie down for a nap. I will have to do the groceries later after I wake up.

I did a food test on a vitamin website the other day and it analyzed my food intake and what vitamins and minerals I was short on. I was short on vitamins B and D and on iron. A special food supplement providing these elements is on its way to me now and I'm expecting it today. With my luck it will get here just as I'm sound asleep on the sofa and it won't fit through the mailbox slot. That will mean that somebody will ring the doorbell. Oh no!

I'm going to sleep now. Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Sunday again.

It is still early in the morning and I have been up for a while, drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarettes. Well, what else would you expect me to do, right? I'm such an old addict who can't give up her vices. Those are the two worst things I do and I seem to thrive despite of them and take a licking and keep on ticking. I don't remember for which brand watch that commercial was. It wasn't for Rolex, I know that.

My watch is from Elle and that is supposed to be a little bit of a big deal, though I don't know why. I bought it because it looked nice and I could afford it. Remember when everybody was wearing Swatch watches? I think I even wore one myself for a while.

That's when I was still caught up in the middle class trappings and thought we had to do like everybody else did. I like to pretend I'm a member of the X class now, but I really don't know if that is true. I think I'm still hopelessly middle class, but very hard trying not to be, though.

I was so middle class that I drove a Jeep Cherokee 4x4. I had two children and a dog and groceries to haul around. That was my excuse. I never went off road with it, though I did drive it in the mountains and we went on vacations with it. It was red with a beige interior. I loved that car and it was tough when I had to give it up. It was my status symbol.

Status played a big role in my life in my first marriage. It was all about the house and the cars and the furniture and the right schools, etc. Exhausting stuff, always keeping up appearances. It was as important to me as it was to my then husband. I was as trapped in it as he was.

It was an enormous relief to step out of it and come down to earth eventually. I did that when I came to the Netherlands and had to start again from scratch. When all you have are some of your clothes and your books, it isn't hard to be humble.

Well, anyway, at least I don't feel the need to wear a Rolex. I'm not that far gone. Or a Louis Vuitton handbag. Or Coco Chanel ensembles. Which I'm sure I could never afford. Not even second hand, if I wished to dress like that. I am sure I would look ridiculous in them.

Oh, before I forget. Something very important! I got a signed limited edition giclee print from this painting by the wonderful and generous artist Tessa Edwards, whose work you can go admire when you click on her name.
The painting is called 'Ethiopia' and I think it is absolutely smashing. All of Tessa's work is this colorful, but you really must go and have a look for yourself. She also takes wonderful photographs of her surroundings and environment. Thank you, Tessa, for this print. It is getting a place of honor in my apartment.

Which just goes to show you how unselfish people are and how willing to share an object of beauty with you.

Oh, now I have to feed the animals and walk the dog. He is being very impatient right here beside me. I think he can't wait any longer, so I must be off.

Have a terrific Sunday.

Ciao...