Running in a lower gear...

I'm not quite as wide awake as I usually am at this time of the night. For some reason I am more tired and sleepy. It could be because the dog woke me up out of a sound sleep when I was least prepared for it. He had to go out back, of course. 

At least he doesn't have any accidents inside anymore. There are no more innocent puddles to step into in the morning. He no longer fouls his own nest. Thank goodness for small favors. 

I am having some coffee and it is waking me up somewhat, though I'm not getting the caffeine kick that I usually do.I guess this is not my lucky night. I mustn't despair, though. I haven't had my second cup of coffee yet. Anything is still possible. 

I am usually full of piss and vinegar in the middle of the night and more than ready to write a post and do all sorts of things. Even more so than during the daytime. You'd think I saved all my energy for the nighttime and used it all up then. Now I´m sitting here yawning. 

I do have to keep looking at the bright side of things and that is that the night is peaceful and quiet and that all is well with my little world, but that´s just very personally speaking.

It doesn´t take into account that my sister is going to be here and that she is very sick. The surgeon who saw her told her that her symptoms are too severe for it to be only a matter of gallstones. He is sending her to a gastroenterologist. 

I do worry about her and I think this news, that I got today, weighs heavy on my mind. I wanted the problem to be something simple like gallstones and wished for it, although I had my doubts. I think she did too.

Now that I shared this with you, I feel a little bit lighter. I had not realized how much this was bothering me. I want to help her and will do whatever I can to make her stay here as pleasant as possible. I want to spoil her as much as I can. That speaks for itself, of course. 

At least I know now why I don´t have my usual get up and go. I can take that into account. I must cheer up and be more lively. It will not do to be down in the dumps. It doesn´t help anyone. 

Right, I will now pour myself a glass of ice cold milk and pull myself up by my socks. And I do have some sleeping left to do. I will take care of that also.

Ciao,

Irene

Three dimensional...

I went to bed after watching the Norwegian thriller that was on last night, but I was unable to go to sleep. I laid in bed for a while staring at the ceiling, trying to get comfortable and in the right frame of mind to doze off, but I was unsuccessful. I felt every wrinkle and fold in the sheets. 

After an hour and a half I gave up and got up and put my bathrobe on and decided to stay up for a while and try to go to sleep again later. I think I have to be more tired than I am now. Apparently I'm not yawning enough and the sleep medication is not working. After I've had this coffee, I'll drink a glass of warm milk. 

I didn't realize that the thriller I was going to watch last night was Norwegian, it didn't say anything about it in the on line TV guide. I just noticed that the language was different than Swedish because I had a harder time understanding it. Somewhere along the line I found out it was taking place in Bergen on the west coast of Norway. 

It was a good thriller and it was still a recognizable language, but I really had to pay attention. I don't think I can learn more than one Scandinavian language at the time. I hope the next one is Swedish again like the one the night before was. Of course, a British one would be good too. There'd be no trouble understanding it. But thank goodness for subtitles. 

It's still in the middle of the night, but I count this as being Monday already. The weekend is over and I'm sorry about that. I could use another day off. I've got one more load of laundry to do, although I did one yesterday, though it's not dry yet. It's taking up space on the drying rack in the bathroom. 

I changed the bed, but that didn't help me fall asleep. I always look forward to going to sleep between clean sheets, but this time the trick didn't work. 

I think I have stress about tomorrow because I don't want it to be Monday. It's not my favorite day of the week. You could say that it's my least favorite day because I hardly have any privacy and the day seems so long. I do get a clean apartment, but that's the most that can be said about the day. 

I'm sure lots of people don't enjoy their Mondays. After all, it's the first day after the weekend and time to get back to work. It must be hard on everyone. I'd be curious to know how many grumpy people there are first thing Monday morning. Or are you all ready and roaring to go? 

I'm starting to yawn and that's a good sign. I'll be able to go to bed shortly. I just need to be tired enough to look forward to it. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Spare time not spent sleeping...

I'm having myself a cup of coffee to get rid of this sleepiness I feel and have been feeling pretty much all day long. I've succumbed to it and slept a lot, but I'm yawning again and don't want to dislocate my jaw like I did this morning. It's making a lot of noise when I open and close it, so I better be careful. 

I'm looking forward to going to bed, though, and I can't wait for it to be late enough to go. I do want to wait until a decent enough hour. I want to make sure that I don't wake up too early in the middle of the night as I'm bound to. I don't have any appointments tomorrow and I can actually sleep as late as I want. So if I do get up in the middle of the night, I can go back to bed later and finish sleeping. 

The Exfactor was here today to do the rest of the grocery shopping. It was quite a relief to see a friendly face. Someone who didn't make any demands on me. That was nice. I didn't experience the visit of the personal helper that way yesterday. I felt that I had to perform and do something special while I was not up to it. I couldn't adequately explain how I felt to her. 

I don't know if I explained it well to the Exfactor, but it seemed to matter less. We had coffee together and chatted and he did the groceries and afterward we chatted some more. We didn't talk about anything really important. It didn't seem that way to me anyway. My perception may have been off a bit, though, because I still felt a lot of anxiety. It hadn't left my system yet. 

I saw my SPN in the afternoon, and without going into the details of the long conversation that we had, I have to say that she helped me get to the core of the anxiety and the cause of it, and that since then I feel a lot better. The free floating anxiety is gone and I'm only left feeling very tired and wiped out, but with the feeling that I've really reached a destination that I had to get to. Something has been resolved. It will have to be talked about more, but the beginning is there. 

The tiredness that I feel is purely emotional tiredness. It's from carrying heavy loads around. It wears me out. Whenever I have periods when I'm in need of a lot of sleep, you can be sure that it's because I'm bearing a big emotional burden.

I do want to say that I have a lot of grief about my first marriage and the break up of it. I have a lot of unresolved feelings about that whole marriage and about my relationship with my first husband, There is an untold amount of feelings that I have not dealt with ever. I'm going to have to deal with them and I'm planning on doing that. There is an awful lot of pain there and I can't keep walking around with it. It's like constantly being in deep mourning. 

I'm going to put on my pajamas now and at least get ready for bed. It's another matter if I will actually get there right away. I may get sidetracked by some blogs. The intention will be there anyway. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora

A new post.

I went to bed early in the evening, in my cleanly made up bed, and read my book until I fell asleep. A huge tiredness had come over me and I had been unable to stay up to watch the news on television or sit behind the computer to read blogs. Of course, at 10:30 I woke up and was wide awake and completely not tired anymore. It had just been a nap that I had taken and not a full fledged sleep until the morning.

That's just my kind of bad luck, because I had every intention to not wake up until the sun came up again. It seems I'm not capable of such a feat. I'm doomed to be awake at least some part of the night and to never just sleep through it. I think possibly one of my ancestors may have been a night creature. You can make of that whatever you will.

And so I sit behind the computer again with a tall glass of milk and a cigarette. Tyke is lying by my feet. He has just torn apart a small cardboard container and the pieces are strewn all about him. I figured he was bored, so I let him. I'll clean it up later before I go to bed. Maybe he's not quite done with it yet. I see a larger piece that can be shredded some more.You have to let dogs be innovative sometimes.

I'm more than halfway through my thriller and I have to say that it has really got my attention. The suspects are being lined up, the net is being tightened and people are behaving suspiciously. Of course, I don't know who the killer is, but I know who I want it to be. Probably I've got it all wrong and it's going to turn out to be someone quite differently. I just dislike the person who I want it to be, so it comes down to prejudice. I'm in a hurry to finish it, but I keep falling asleep with it, because the only time I read it is in bed or on the sofa. Anytime I'm in a supine position, there's the danger of falling asleep. It doesn't matter what time of day it is.

It's a shame that the weekend is over. I was as lazy as it was possible to be. No doubt it was the lack of activity that made me unable to sleep enough during the night. Some strong hard labor would have taken care of that. I have to get up at a decent time in the morning because the Exfactor is going to be here to pick up a package and do the groceries. I also have to make a phone call to get Tyke trimmed and bathed. I don't want to put that off too long.

I have to get myself back into some sort of normal rhythm. Right now I'm wasting a lot of time doing nothing of importance. My days are very unstructured. I know that's not the right way to live my life. I have to get myself onto a schedule and do certain things at certain times of the day. It's to my own benefit if I do and to the benefit of Tyke as well, because I don't take him for regular walks right now. My negative mood and the hot weather have been the cause of that. Tomorrow I'll change that immediately. Both my mood and the weather have improved. It's only going to be 26C tomorrow. That's warm, but not too hot.

I have to make a decision about this blog design. I don't know if I'm happy with it. Something about that big dried leaf disturbs me. I do like the white page and the layout. I'll have to see what I can do.

Ciao,
Nora

Enough sleep...

After I walked Tyke this morning, I decided to go back to bed immediately. I was still tired and I wasn't in the mood to do my chores, feeling unable to face them as sleepy as I was. I climbed into my bed and read for a little while and fell sound asleep. I didn't wake up until 1:30 pm.

I was surprised that I had slept for such a long time, but I felt great when I got up, though totally not in the mood to do anything. I turned on the computer and read blogs and comments and wiled away the time. I didn't in the least bit feel bad about not doing any of the chores I was supposed to do. I was the one who had told myself to do them and I would do them when I was good and ready.

I did take Tyke for another walk and he was happy for it. You can't neglect your dog, no matter how lazy you feel. I wonder if it is laziness I feel or just plain exhaustion, considering I slept so much yesterday too. It could be mental tiredness, because I do suffer from that quickly and what seems like an ordinary day to most people can be very tiring to me and I may be putting in more effort than seems apparent.

Likewise when I say I'm very normal and sane. When I say that, I'm probably less sane than I claim to be. It's when I'm less sure that I'm more sane. I think a lot of times I'm not normal at all and I don't know how many of you feel that you are. It's all very well to go around and claim that you are, but it's another thing to actually be it. I think on the crazy scale I'm more often closer to crazy than I am normal. It's exhausting to try and appear normal all the time and to constantly have to check if you are and pass the test.

I think I really ought not to give a darn and just be as I am and not worry about how I come across. That's very brave of me to say, but I wonder if I can do it? Can anybody do that? It would be a world full of eccentrics. I suppose social pressure forces us to adapt to a certain extent. I just wish it wasn't so much. I would feel a lot more freedom if I didn't have an internal judge guarding over me constantly who checked if I behaved socially acceptable. Do you have someone watching over you like that too?

I'm drinking my third glass of milk. I have an unquenchable thirst. I think I will make myself a cup of coffee next and make sure I save enough milk until the next shopping trip. I always have to count the containers of milk and the days left until the Exfactor goes shopping again. I usually make it, but not if I drink it like water from an oasis.

Sometimes, when Tyke is stretched out on the floor, it takes me a while to figure out what's the top of him and what's the bottom. I just had to take a good hard look to find out. I couldn't figure out where his head was, because his eyes were closed and there were all these ears and legs sticking out that looked alike. He is cute once you figure it out. He looks like a big stuffed animal that you want to cuddle with.

I'm teaching him to fetch now and he's slowly catching on. We're doing it with an old pair of rolled up socks, because he likes them a lot. We also found a tennis ball today on our walk and brought that home. He's been playing with that and hasn't demolished it yet. I'll use that to play fetch with next. It will bounce really well. Hopefully I won't break anything in the apartment.

There, I've completely wasted the day. I haven't done anything useful but write some posts and play with the dog and the living room and the kitchen are a reflection of that. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully I won't waste half of it with sleeping. I do want to get some things done. I really need to be over this wish to sleep now. My bed can't become that much of an attraction, nor can the sofa for that matter. They are both to be stayed away from.

I hope you all have a good evening. The weather was nice here today. It wasn't too warm and a pleasant breeze was blowing. It should always be like this.

Ciao,
Nora

Don´t complain!

I´m having withdrawal symptoms again. At least I assume that´s what they are. My life is quickly falling apart and my emotions are in an uproar. I´m trying to stay sane and rational and not intimidated by what is happening to me. The hardest part is going through this alone, because I so very much would like someone´s shoulder to cry on. I guess that´s what I want to do more than anything, is cry and cry and not be brave at all like I feel I have been this past week.

A lot of times I act as if everything is okay when really it isn´t, I don´t know if you can tell that. I keep being cheerful when I don´t really feel cheerful at all. I´ve been worried about my medication this past week, if I´m taking too much of some or too little of the other and I don´t really trust my psychiatrist to know that. I think he made a blunder this week and that has caused a dent in my confidence in him.

I´ve been feeling awfully tired these past days, although I have been out and about in the fresh air. I thought springtime would give me lots of energy, but I´m not having any. The time I feel best is late at night again, when it is dark out and the world is quiet and silent and at rest. That´s new, after sleeping so well for two weeks. I wish I could always be a night person and only marginally participate during the day. Unfortunately, I have to take my nighttime medicines and they do drive me to bed at a certain hour. It´s all medicine I hope to do without some day.

Maybe this is not withdrawal, maybe this is just a plain old case of unhappiness and disappointment for not having the road that I travel be as smooth as I had anticipated and for feeling very lonely in the whole process. I always think that everything should be a nonstop upward movement, but for some reason it doesn´t work that way and you climb the hill and roll down it before you get up and start climbing it again. I don´t know why this is so and why this is necessary. Somebody will have to explain that process to me in logical terms. This really mystifies me. It seems to work that way for everything, even when you think it ought not to, when it is pure science, although when applied to people it never is.

The problem is, that I´ve come to see my emotions as pathologically wrong and put labels on them, instead of just seeing them as emotions that all people have. I have decided not to do that anymore and, for instance, never to use the term hypo-mania again to describe an excited mood that I may find myself in. That way it´s not a psychiatric condition and it doesn´t need a medication to be cured, because a mood like that usually clears up by itself and for all I know I´m doing something that millions of people around the world do every day spontaneously. I mustn´t mistake happiness and excitement for an illness and allow it to be killed by drugs, so that I will be mentally straight jacketed and subdued.

I´m feeling better for having written this down and knowing that it will have a few readers who will hopefully understand. It takes a diversity of people to make the world go round and if we medicate everybody who falls outside the norm, we´ll have a lot of drugged up people. Cure the part that hurts and leave the rest alone.

Ciao,
Nora

Almost time to go to bed.

I have little moments that I cave in and I'm so tired that I could fall asleep in my desk chair, but a while later it clears up and I'm fit as a fiddle again. I'm finding it very difficult to walk away from the computer and keep looking for excuses to sit here and play with it a little while longer and there's always something I can do, even if it just means changing the wallpaper on my flat screen and looking to see how much space I have on my hard drive. I've run AdAware and CCleaner and got rid of a bunch of stuff that took up needless space, so that made me feel better. And so I sit here and do all sorts of little things that amount to not very much, but it keeps me happy. Tomorrow I have to be normal again. It's a rule that I have made up. On the weekend I'm allowed to be this obsessed with the computer, but tomorrow I have to be back to normal. And I do need to get a good night's sleep. At least what is a good night's sleep for me and as far as Tyke will allow it with his antics.

I feel like I've been in the Twilight Zone this weekend and unreachable for the world around me, although the world was not aware of that, because nobody reached out and touched me and I did walk the dog when it was time to. The poor animal didn't suffer too much neglect, except that I didn't cuddle him very much, stuck as I was behind the keyboard. I think my obsession is coming to an end now and I hope I don't become obsessed like this with anything else for a while, because I don't think it is healthy, athough many of you have told me that you are the same way when you have a new toy.

All I have left to do is install the programs for my digital camera and the printer and I'll let the Exfactor do that tomorrow. Those will be good jobs for him to do and I can take a step back and relax about it. I will not be so overly involved with my nose on top of things. That's how I imagine it anyway. I'm ready for a more hands off approach. It's really funny how you disappear into a project and lose track of everything around you just about and you don't focus on anything else but that.

It wll be wonderful to go to bed in a little while and try to read my book and hopefully fall asleep quickly and soundly and sleep at least for a couple of hours without interruption. I will take as many of Tyke's toys to the bedroom with me, so he won't be bored in the middle of the night. He does have a way of looking for mischief around 2 o'clock in the morning. If he can keep himself occupied, I will sleep through it. Unless he starts molesting Gandhi.

I think I will have a glass of hot milk. I don't have any honey, but I don't think that's necessarily an ingredient needed to fall asleep with. I would have some Bailey's Irish Cream, but I'm all out of that and I'm not about to go out an buy a bottle of it. I'd rather receive that as a gift on a special occasion and I may have to drop some heavy hints here and there. Isn't there a holiday coming up that would be cause for it? Isn't there a saint named Irene? I'm not a catholic, but I'm willing to ignore such minor details in exchange for a bottle of that good stuff. With my luck, though, I'd become addicted to it and have to go to AlAnon and do a 12 step program.

It would be nice to smoke a joint right now and become totally mellow, because I always sleep so well when I do amd wake up completely refreshed. I don't want you to get the idea that I do that a lot. As a matter of fact, it's been a few years, but sometimes I dream that I do, so I guess I have a hunkering for it. I only need to take a few drags for it to take effect and I feel great. The only problem is that I get the munchies and want to eat anything and everything and that is kind of hard when you have a gastric band. But one of these days I'm going to smoke a joint again in the company of someone I trust and get very relaxed. It's the nicest feeling I know. It's better than getting tipsy. I heartily recommend it. It's too bad the coffee shop two streets over closed. Now I would have to go all the way downtown.

All this talk about alcohol and drugs make me sound like a junkie. And I have my own official drugs that I'm trying to get off of. I'm doing really well on my reduced dose of antipsychotics. I notice no ill effects, unless being obsessed with my computer is an ill effect, but like I said, I think I'm over it by now. I'm actually feeling very calm now and completely back to normal, whatever normal is. I just wish I felt a little bit more sleepy than I do, because I seem to have gotten my second wind. I must not give into that and proceed with my nighttime ritual as if I'm very tired and ready to go to sleep. Once I have my pajamas on and I'm in bed things will change and I will realize how tired I am.

I do have a backache from sitting in this chair behind the computer all day. It's right in the middle of my nack where that weak spot is. Right where my back is crooked. I would like to wear a corset to straighten out my back so it would never hurt again and I would have the correct posture, but I suppose I'm too old for that. I'm beyond repair. It would help, of course, if I paid attention to how I sat in the chair and didn't slump like I've a tendency to do. Perhaps it would help if I put a pillow behind my back to force me to sit straighter. I will try that tomorrow when I won't be sitting here all day. I think it might be interesting to take an X-ray of that spot in my back and see how my discs are lined up there. At least I'm never kealed over to the left anymore. That problem seemed to have resolved itself and I think a lot of that had to do with my emotional state of being.

It seems to be impossible to stop writing. I want to bring this to an end, but am reluctant to and keep thinking of things to write about. I am postponing bedtime because I'm afraid that I will lie awake and will not be able to go to sleep. I'm also undecided if I should sleep in my bed or on the sofa with the TV turned down low, which also seems to work well and keeps Tyke happy. I think I'm not so very fond of sleeping in my bed, for whatever reason. On the sofa it has a less official character and it doesn't seem as if I'm down for the count and have to put in a long night that I can't make come true. I always wake up and am bothered by the claustrophobic feel of my bedroom, even though I sleep with the door open. I would like for the sofa to be a bit more comfortable and I suppose that this will be the criteria for my next one. How comfortable does it sleep? It has to be a wide sofa to lie on comfortably.

When I was a little kid, and I was sick, my mother made a bed for me out of the Morris chair. Of course I was little then and fit on it and it was very cozy and right by the stove to keep me warm. I thought that was the best thing about being sick. The back of the chair folded down completely and I could lie down flat with pillows under my head. She put a sheet over the cushions and a blanket over me and I felt like a princess. I have something like a Morris chair myself now and it is my favorite chair in the apartment. It folds down completely too, though I'm too big to lie down on it. I bought it at Ikea and the minute I saw it I knew I had to have it. Nostalgia.

I'm starting to yawm. That's always a good sign. Pretty soon a certain kind of weariness should fall over me. I think I will go put on my pajamas now and take my medicines. Then I will have my glass of hot milk. There may only be repeats of the news on TV and text television, but that's okay. I don't need anything exciting. I'm curious to see how long I will sleep. I'm hoping for at least 4 hours. That would be nice. Luckily, there's always the computer.

Have a good night, you all.

Ciao,
Nora

Getting somewhere...

I'm momentarily in a very clear state of mind. All my synapses are working in good order and I can think straight. It's a temporary condition due to having gotten enough rest and seeing the forest for the trees again. I rested the whole morning until about one pm, when the Exfactor showed up to clean house for me like he had promised that he would. You have no idea what a godsend he was when he grabbed the vacuum cleaner and proceeded to vacuum the whole apartment and very thoroughly too. It was wonderful, because it needed to happen so badly and I could not do it myself. While he did that, I hung up a load of laundry and put another load in the machine, so I was not completely idle.

We then had coffee together and an interesting discussion about public transport and rush hour traffic and the solutions to that and then the Exfactor tackled the kitchen and the dishes and it was with so much relief that I saw him do that, because it had seemed like an impossible job to me. I dried the dishes and put them away, but he did all the hard work, thank goodness. He´s coming back next week to do the rest of the jobs and I am so glad about that. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now I can enter the weekend with peace in my heart and not feel like I have all of this hovering over my head. He´s a great guy.

I had to call my GP´s office today to get the results of the blood tests, but all I know so far is that my thyroid levels were too high, which surprised me, because I was expecting them to be too low, explaining my extremely low energy, but you do get symptoms from a too high functioning thyroid too and mentally it effects you also and makes you more nervous and edgy. It may have been this way for quite a while, because it´s been two years since it was last checked and I should have it done every year. I´ll have to look up the symptoms for a hyperactive thyroid.

My GP wants to discuss the rest of the blood test results with me personally, so I have an appointment with him Monday afternoon. So, I´m still in the dark about that, but maybe there´s something there that´s going to explain my extreme tiredness. Now I´ll have to wait a whole three days, which I don´t like, but that´s the way it is. The more I think about it, the more I think there´s something physically wrong that can be put to rights and that this is the reason why I have been feeling so bad and slowly going downhill, because it´s my body that refuses to function and that is dragging me down, although that maybe wishful thinking on my part. At least I know my thyroid isn´t functioning properly.

I just took the dog for a walk in the rain and it was refreshingly nice. It wasn´t raining hard, but it was a bit cold and it put some color on my cheeks. Jesker wasn´t too enthused about walking in the rain, but did what he had to do and we only made our small walk. That was enough for now. We weren´t heroes today. He´s doing well and is eating his normal amount of food again and he´s not acting demented anymore, so that really was because of the illness, so if that happens again, I´ll know to take him to the vet immediately. That means he´s got a fever and is delirious. Oh, how awful that I didn´t know that.

Well, that´s all the exciting news I have to tell you for right now. That as long a post as I can handle for now. I have to go and check my emails and visit some blogs. I haven´t done that in a while. You must all think that I´ve deserted you.

Ciao,
Nora

It's too early to go to bed.

Well, you all know that I slept well last night, don't you? I mean, I was up for a little while, but I went back to bed and slept until a decent hour and I did go to sleep early the night before. But guess what happened today? I napped and napped and wasted the whole day on the sofa. This tiredness just takes me by surprise and before I know it, I'm asleep again. I get over it at the end of the day and get my energy back at around 5 pm. That's when I come back to life, just as it is getting dark outside and I have to walk the dog. I'm fine the rest of the evening and am not the least bit sleepy until I go to bed, because I look forward to the coziness of it, but tonight I'm not looking forward to going to bed, because last night was such a struggle with those night sweats and the pain in my arm. I don't have good associations with going to bed now and I'm postponing it.

I guess I slept long enough, but not pleasant enough. The night sweats are the most uncomfortable thing, though. They really wake me up and I have to get out of bed and cool off. I'm really starting to dislike my bed. I'm going to stay up late tonight and sleep on the sofa and see if I have the same problem when I sleep there. I'm going to take the back cushions off the sofa and make more room for myself to lie down. I've been having these night sweats since last summer and I thought it was because of the heat, but I guess I was wrong and as far as I know, I am not in the menopause anymore, so that's not it either.

For some strange reason, my regular telephone has started working again without me changing the batteries. I haven't done a thing to it but take the batteries out and put them back in and unplug the cable and plug it back in again. It's a mystery to me. That leaves me undecided if I should keep it or not. First I need to find out how much of my all in one package are telephone costs. I'll have to call about that and be put on hold forever and have to listen to inane music while the call is costing me money. That ticks me off, but that's how it's done nowadays. I'm sure it's the same in your country. Whoever decided on that policy is a rip off artist. Some calls cost as much as 45 cents a minute. But anyway, my phone is working again and at least I didn't go out and buy a new one, though if I do keep my regular phone, I still may go out and buy a new one, because I'm not very fond of this one, as it has such a shape, that I cut people off with my cheekbone and I don't have especially pointy cheekbones.

My dog has decided it is bedtime and has gone to sleep on his pillow in the bedroom and that is where the cats are too. So you see, they do have their habits and they aren't always dependent on what I do.

I walked the dog at 9:30 tonight and all the slush had frozen over again and it was very slippery out there. I'm amazed by the fact that I have not slipped and fallen yet, because last year I fell three times. I'm being very careful, though, and I'm wearing different boots that may make a difference. These may have a little bit more grip. I worry about breaking a bone and lying there helplessly with the dog. He's not a St Bernard, after all. Or Lassie who will run and get help.

I have no interest in my household. I do the barest of necessities and wait for the moment when things are just about to get out of hand, so that I will very quickly get them back under control again only to return to my previous indifference. That's the state of affairs. It's no way to run a place, but that's the way I'm getting by right now. I dump things in the trash and rinse out dishes and empty ashtrays and pick things up and move them, but that's about it. I don't really feel depressed, but I feel physically tired all the time and not up to expending the energy. I thought I would feel better now that I'm taking the vitamin pills every day, but I'm not. I marvel at my sister who gets so much done in one day's time. I used to be like that too.

The dog missed me and has come to lie down beside me on the area rug, which is not the most comfortable place to sleep. He's such a loyal dog. At least I've got him, even if I've got nobody else.

Well, it's late enough now. I'm going to get my pajamas on and have something to eat and take my medicines. Then I'll make myself cozy on the sofa with my book. I am looking forward to that. I hope I have a good night's sleep and that I will feel fantastic in the morning. I'm going to try and sleep all through the night. With a little bit of luck I should make it.

Sleep tight, everyone!

Ciao,
Nora

Frittering away the time.

I've managed to fritter away the day doing I don't know what. Yes, doing all sorts of inconsequential things that didn't add up to anything worthwhile. At least, it doesn't leave me with a lot to show for. After I walked the dog this morning in the slushy snow, which was cold and wet, I ate breakfast and went back to bed and slept another three hours, which was wonderful and I'm convinced I needed it, because when I woke up, I felt great and ever so ready to enjoy the rest of the day. Of course, I started it off by turning on the computer and reading my emails.

Mistake # 1. Never turn on your computer at a random time, because you will get stuck there in the middle of the day and forget to do other things that are more important. I did remember to get dressed, which is good, because the mailman rang the doorbell with a package for me and I did have my clothes on and that was doubly good, because a while later the Exfactor showed up for coffee and a chat. I would hate to have him see me in leggings and a T-shirt. We're past that stage of intimacy.

He stayed for quite awhile and that took a big bite out of my afternoon and then I still had to walk the dog in the slushy snow. My boots have gotten wet and need drying out, but I keep wearing them, because I'm not feeling anything in my toes that's indicating cold or wetness, unless the feeling has gone out of them completely. I probably have wet socks and don't even realize it. After I walk the dog for the last time, I will take them off and put them on a radiator and let them dry properly. The Exfactor brought some cable holders to tack the cable of the computer to the baseboards with, but not enough, so I need to go to the hardware store to buy more.

I must make a list of things I have to buy before the year is out. It's adding up in my head, but I'm bound to forget something now, as there are too many items on it. I will sit down shortly and start writing that list.

The package I got from the mailman contained a book that wouldn't fit through the mailbox slot, but when I got the mail out of the mailbox, there was another book there and some Christmas cards, bringing the total to 13. I do hope I get more than that...

Eventually I remembered my wet laundry hanging out on the clothesline and brought it all in and put it in the washing machine for the spin cycle. It's done now and I can hang it up to dry shortly. Mistake # 2, don't hang up your laundry outside to dry when it's wintertime and it has been snowing and it may rain soon. Mistake # 3, don't trust the weather forecast on your computer.

Well, I have so little to show for my day, it's just outrageous. I did all these little things that are not worth mentioning. If you sleep half of the day and spend another chunk visiting with you ex, it takes care of a good portion of it. I also find myself tired now and I don't know why that is. I'm very much looking forward to going to bed and pulling the duvet over my head. It can be that visiting with the Exfactor has exhausted me. Who knows what sort of subliminal things take place while we meet? Maybe it wears me out.

I think I will hang up the laundry now and then walk the dog and have something to eat. Hey, this was supposed to be an upbeat post, but I 'm ending it in a minor mood. I'm just very tired suddenly. Have a wonderful evening.

Ciao,
Nora

How to do it?

I have to figure out a way to dispense my energy evenly without being at either side of the spectrum in my moods. If I'm manic I am capable of doing many things, but when I'm done being manic, I turn into this sleepy headed woman again who needs to take naps and who doesn't at all spend her time wisely. It may be that I take too many tranquilizers and I'm going to try and cut down on them, although I don't know how easy that is going to be, because in the past I've always needed more of them for various reasons. Today I was exceptionally sleepy, but I think that was in reaction to the past mania too and I can't count it as ordinary behavior. It is just now that I'm starting to feel like a normal person again and I have stopped yawning, which I've done all day long. Well, I write that down and yawn, of course.

I took a long nap today after I had slept late this morning. I felt fuzzy headed while I walked the dog and not at all wide awake and I knew I needed more sleep. But I think that's not normal and I want to stop being in that position. I want to have an ordinary amount of energy and not have to wait for a mania to get a lot of things accomplished. I think it's very reasonable of me to expect to have enough energy to do the ordinary things in life that other people do without feeling wiped out. I am cutting down on the tranquilizers now and I'll see how it goes. I don't constantly have to be drugged, after all. I'm not a dangerous animal.

It's snowing! A nice layer of powdery snow is covering everything outside and the dog and I already walked in it. I did say that I didn't want it to snow, didn't I? Well, this snow, so far, is nice. It is very clean and pretty and there isn't a lot of it, so it's not too bad. I do have a good pair of boots to wear for it now, after all. I'm not going to get wet socks. It was nice to be outside and have the snow fall on us and it reminded me of the fact that my father and I would always go out for a walk in the first snow of the season and this would usually be at night. We wanted to make the first footsteps in the snow. That was a nice tradition that we had. I'm sorry he isn't here to do that with me anymore now. But the dog and I can do it. I think the dog likes snow. He likes to sniff in it very much, the same way he sniffs in fallen leaves.

Speaking of dogs. He looked at me with such melancholy eyes tonight after his dinner, that I gave him an extra 150 grams of food and he ate it with good appetite. That's such a little amount of food that it's not going to make much difference in his diet and it made him happy. I sure don't have a heart of steel and I can't deny him food if he's still hungry. What I gave him was lean meat, so it should be okay. You see, there's a certain logic in my reasoning.

I'm listening to some very obscure music that I got off the Jamendo website where you can download music for free. It's very innocuous music and not very exciting. Good to have in the background while I write this. There's nothing startling about it. Some blues, some jazz, some chansons, some new age. Oh, gag me with a spoon! When something is totally free, you don't have much choice. You make the best of it. That's why I just switched to Deezer for some better music. The Wild Yaks! That will wake you up! Of course, it completely prevents me from concentrating on what I'm writing here. I'll have to switch it off so I can hear myself think. I don't know how kids do it with their iPods stuck in their ears all day.

I have liked having all these days off. I thought I was going to mind not having therapy hardly, and soon none at all, but I like sleeping late in the mornings and getting my days started slowly. Well, except for those few days there. I quite accidentally, and I don't know how, have shut off the alarm clock in the mornings and now it doesn't go off at 7 am, which means I sleep until 9:30 am or there abouts. It's quite nice, even when I go to bed on time. I'm going to try and stay up a little bit late tonight and see if I can't mop the floors. Yeah, I know, it sounds ridiculous, but I'm really considering it. I must do it one of these days, it may as well be now. And I have to change the sheets on my bed. Toby has been lying beside my pillow and it is kind of grubby there. I know, I should put a towel down there, but I always forget. Besides, clean sheets are nice to have on the bed.

I'm saying to you that I may do all those things, but I may just as easily skip them, because I'm yawning again. I certainly dislike all this tiredness. I thought it would disappear with the vitamins, but maybe I haven't taken them long enough yet. I've only had five capsules. I suppose it's going to take a little longer than that.

Well, that's it for me for now. If I suddenly get a burst of energy, you will be the first to know. I doubt it very much, though, but I can hope for it.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora

I don't know...

I don't know what has gotten over the Überhund. It is way past his dinnertime and all he does is sleep beneath the computer desk. Snoring a bit too, gone from the world. His internal clock must be mixed up today. Maybe if I get myself a mug of decaf, he will wake up and realize that he is hungry.

Yes, well, that did it. He realized I was gone and had to go look for me first, but not in the obvious place. When he found me and I asked him if he wanted to eat, all three cats sped into the kitchen. I think they know the meaning of those words better than he does. He is just a wee bit slow of understanding sometimes. It takes awhile for the synapses to make the connections. I think his neurons aren't always firing properly.

Oh yes, now he wants to go out, of course, so I let him out back for a piddle, but I think it is not enough. He wants the real thing. Quick, I have to think of a diversionary tactic. I know, I'll put ointments in his eyes and give him a treat. That should divert him for a bit. He is looking at me with his big begging eyes. Oh, boy.

The good news is, that I now also get to go to a creative therapy class on Friday mornings with the same therapist, in the same creative space where I am on Mondays. I heard that bit of good news today. I am thrilled to pieces, because now I have therapy on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings, just what I wanted. There was a waiting list for the Friday class, so I don't know how I managed to get this spot, but I am very happy with it. You don't look a gift horse in the mouth, right? Or don't you say that in English?

Right, I am going to walk the Überhund now, so we'll both have peace of mind.

--------------------

Today I had ergo therapy and we all got a chance to talk, including me, and I told them about my rather tumultuous week without the sleeping pills and how that ended up and I actually got complimented by several people, which I was not expecting at all, for having solved the problem on my own eventually. My take on it was that I had behaved somewhat dimwitted and had gotten myself into a mess, but they saw me as someone who had gotten herself out of a mess independently. That sort of blew my mind. The therapist said that for someone who had been hypomanic I had acted pretty responsibly in the end. Doesn't that just blow you away?

Well, I left there feeling pretty good about myself and excited about the extra class, but I'll tell you something. I am really tired right now. I am just plain bushed. I feel as if I've done a lot of work, when really I haven't, but I think it is just the mental strain from the past week that's catching up with me. I am going to bed early tonight and I hope I sleep for a long time. That's what I absolutely need to do. So, I'll just plan on that then.

Right, off I go. Have a good evening. Don't be stubborn like I am.

Ciao...

It's not too late...

I think I went to bed at about 9 PM last night and I slept until 9 AM this morning. Pretty good, huh? I haven't done anything as incredible as that in a long time. It felt good too and when I finally got up, I felt like I could have slept another 2 hours.

Instead, I got up for my coffee and turned the computer on and lighted a cigarette. I was slightly non coherent, until I finished my coffee and was able to decipher the emails I had gotten. I still have to go back and read them again for sureness. There is a twilight zone space for the first few hours in the morning when it is possible that I do not quite comprehend everything I read and respond to it properly. I am also cutting way back on the caffeine and that may cause some slowness in the nerve synapses in my brain.

It seems the Senseo machine has been saved by the application of a bottle of cleansing vinegar that I ran through it. I ran 3 tanks of clean water through it afterwards and now it is working like a charm. I am glad I was able to save it this way, because it is only a little more than a year old. That's too soon to break down, although I admit to a bit of a fatalistic attitude and expect things to break down all the time and am surprised when they don't.

I've cut way back on my Temazepam, that is the medication that is really a sleeping capsule, but that I was taking during the day to calm my nerves. I still take 20 mg of it at night, but I find I don't need it during the day anymore. I think taking it at night leaves enough in my system to not have to take it during the day. It was making me awfully sleepy and I always felt like taking naps. It was making me too tired, because I already feel tired during the day anyway. Even now, after all that sleep, I feel like laying down on the sofa for a while to get some more sleep. I blame it on the wintertime and my need to hibernate and to not want to do anything strenuous.

The weather is not really bad. Just overcast, but not rainy or windy, as has been predicted and it isn't very cold. It's 9 degrees Celsius, which is 48 degrees Fahrenheit. That's not bad at all.

The Überhund is very patient with me in the mornings and no matter how slow I am, he waits patiently until I am ready to take him out. If I really dawdle, he lets me know that he really needs to go, but even then he waits for me to get dressed and take my medicines and for me to give him his pills. I let him piddle out back when I first wake up, so the worst pressure is off.

You should see the state of my patio. I need someone with a rake to come and gather all the leaves and pull the weeds out and trim the Jasmine. I suppose I could do it myself, but contrary to my long ago past, I have no interest in the little bit of gardening that is expected of me. I look at it and shrug my shoulders in a frustrated way. Now, if the queen was coming over for a cup of tea...

I have to wash the bedroom windows, they are very dirty with the rains we have had and I'll need a bucket of hot soapy water to get them clean. It will be done in a jiffy, but I act like it is some huge job that is waiting for me. I will have to visualize it in my mind first and then tackle it. When it comes to house cleaning, I am not on the ball at the moment. I'm fine when it comes to the dishes and the laundry, but the rest is falling by the wayside. I can't find any enthusiasm for it. My motivation this weeks is, that we are having that party Friday night and I will have to get the place cleaned up before that time. Watch me do that at the last minute.

This afternoon, I am seeing my SPN and I have no idea what I want to discuss with her, except that I am going to tell her that the first 4 months of my separation with the Exfactor I was pretty much hypomanic all the time. I don't think she realizes that, because I can hide it behind a rational smile very well. I can pretend I am more in control than I really am. That's what it is all about anyway, hiding your true feelings. I am a master at that.

I always had to hide my true feelings in my first marriage. Even when we were in counseling, I didn't let anyone know what I really thought. That I had feelings of hatred and longings for suicide. That a lot of times I was so depressed and down on myself that I could hardly bear it anymore. The depth of my negative feelings was enormous and I was afraid to come out with them, because it would have set the whole fragile boat rocking. I was trying to keep up the status quo, surviving against the odds, sleeping with the enemy. I was imprisoned and pretending I was not, that I was there out of my own free will.

Anyway, it is time to hang up again. I've got to put on my face and look half way decent. I could do with a large cheering section right now. Rah, rah, rah! I am happy, as long as it isn't raining when I have to go on my bike.

Mwah!