Saturday Morning.

It's -12C outside, so I'm not quite ready yet to go and walk the dog. I hope he can wait a while until it gets just a bit warmer. I'm sure all the ice skating fanatics are ready at every bit of open water that's frozen over and are out there tying on their skates now before it gets to crowded on the ice. There are a lot of ice skating fanatics in this country. It's in the blood. Last year there was lots of good skating on natural ice, so nearly everybody has skates now and they will want to put them to good use. I wonder if there will be another run on skates by the people who didn't manage to get a pair last season, because they were all sold out. The manufacturers couldn't keep up with the demand.

I managed to sleep eight hours last night, yet after I got up and had my breakfast and took my morning medication and answered some emails, I went back to bed and slept another three hours. I don't know if that is because of the tranquilizers that I take or because I just needed the additional sleep. I would have to try and not take the tranquilizers some morning and find out, Maybe I can do that tomorrow and see what happens. I'm reluctant to go without any of my medicines, because of the changes in my constitution, but sometimes it's worth trying to see if it makes any difference in my energy levels. Like I am doing now with the antipsychotic.

I haven't noticed any difference so far in my interest in tackling the apartment and that is what I'm really waiting for. I'm waiting for that little burst of energy that will get me started on the jobs I have to do. Some boost in my level of interest in getting those things done. The fact that I care enough to. Right now I don't see that changing. I am mostly uninterested in most anything I would have to do and I find myself putting off other things as well until the moment that they can't be put off any longer. I guess it's the approaching deadline that works as a motivating factor for me right now, but it's always looming over me as the sword of Damocles. It's not how it ought to be. I hope to see some change in that today.

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I've just been absent for quite a while. I had to walk the dog and then I got distracted by a website that offered very good wallpaper, but I had to click through the images randomly, so sometimes it took a while before I found a good one. It was just the sort of almost mindless job that I was interested in, because every once in a while I got excited when I found one that I liked and I could save. That's the kind of work I need to do. Just stick me behind a computer and let me do mind numbing work that occasionally is exciting to keep my interest going. There must be lots of jobs like that.

I pick images that I'd like to have on my screen as wallpaper, but I also have been using them as images for the tops of my posts lately and I got feedback that they were well liked. So, the only criteria I have, is if I would like the image as a wallpaper. If the answer is yes, then I download it and save it. You wouldn't believe the good stuff that you can find on the Internet and it's all anarchistically for free. No, the Internet is not democratic. It's a jungle and a free for all. We assume we will all be polite and gentlemanly, but whose to say we will be? It's amazing that it works so well. Just don't hang out in the fringes.

Of course, I'm not getting anything valuable done, though I did just clean up cat barf. Gandhi had eaten dog food and was too greedy with the obvious result. For some reason the dog decided not to eat it and I had not noticed that, being so wrapped up in what I was doing. I do have a one track mind sometimes and only a gagging cat will disturb me.

It's time to come back to reality and have a good look around me and see what I am going to do with the rest of my day. I am wasting my time fruitfully. I can get so lost in things, I'm sure you all have the same problem, but isn't that pleasant, though? It's really nice when you're doing something that completely takes your mind off things and lets you not have a care in the world for a while. I completely forgot my surroundings, I was so lost in those images. It just goes to show you which photos you don't have to take, because they've already been taken by somebody else, unless you want them as your own mementos.

It also shows you which photos are just pure kitsch and that you should not take them for the sake of good taste. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but when you see many of them like it on a photography website, you realize they're no good and it is a waste of time to take them. Photos of babies and puppies and kittens and pretty young women are a dime a dozen. Those aren't the winning photographs. Besides, nowadays you can't take photos of half naked children without feeling that they're going to be exploited somehow. I would be very uncomfortable placing them. Equally with shots of alluring young women. Why do we need them anyway, if not to draw the male viewer in with promises of sensuality? Those are not the photographs that are appealing to me and I'm certainly not going to download them, although some of them are quite beautiful. There's so much you don't want to do in this day and age. We're past the age of innocence.

Oh, I'm moralizing, aren't I? Well, I will get off my soap box and get back down to street level where I belong. I certainly can't dictate good taste, although I think everyone should have it. I do realize it develops depending on your circumstances and what you are exposed to. I know that when I lived a middle class life, my tastes were much more pedestrian, although they were slightly more enlightened then your average housewife. I was not as evolved as I am now and who's to say that I am all that evolved now compared to other more enlightened human beings? I may still be very limited in my points of view and be unaware of a whole lot of observations on life that I've not been exposed to. I try my best, though, to stay open and aware.

Well, having wasted a good portion of the day, I will draw an end to this epistle and see if I can do some other things instead. Packaging books may be a useful thing to do. It's always a lot of work and it will keep me busy for a while. I hope I don't run out of steam halfway through. I must finish it all at once.

Have a good day you all. 't Is the weekend before Christmas and no doubt you're all busy getting ready for that. Don't forget to take a breather every now and then.

Ciao,
Nora

Saturday evening.

I just walked the dog in watery, cold sunshine. The field was sopping wet from the rain we have had. The sidewalk is covered by yellow leaves and the gutters are full of them. Jesker likes to push his nose deep into the leaves and smell "god only knows what." As long as there's no bear trap hidden in it, I suppose I won't worry about it.

Toby had brought home the casing of a liverwurst and had hidden it under a cabinet. Of course, I forgot about it until Jesker found it and was planning on eating it. I had to stick my hand into his closely clenched mouth and try and get it out and he did not like it, I was stealing his found food! He growled at me dangerously, but I was not intimidated and got a hold of the casing and pulled it out. I do have to show him who's boss around here. He did look very disappointed when I threw it away, so I gave him a bone instead. After he finished eating it, he came over to me wagging his stumpy little tail to make sure we were still friends. Of course we were.

The Exfactor was here earlier and we had a long discussion about politics and music. We agree on the basic premises, but then part our ways, because the Exfactor is much more set in his ways than I am and is very much a black and white thinker, where as I move more into the gray areas and try to see the problems from both points of view. Although I definitely lean to the left sharply, the Exfactor leans to the left so sharply that he almost leans to the right again.

I am glad that I'm able to see the gray areas, because when I was married to him, and very much influenced by him, I didn't see the gray areas and very often felt myself driven into a corner when I had to voice an opinion. Now I can be more nuanced and give a different turn to what I state and leave room for another look at something that maybe I had not considered yet. I speak less in absolutes anymore and am less reactionary. The Exfactor is very reactionary and very convinced of himself and sticks to his principles even if that means that he has to disagree with himself.

It seems that our prime minister, who said he was not interested in the job of president of the European Union, has been strongly lobbying for the job all along, and the Exfactor was upset about that. He found that very disloyal and sneaky. I had to remind him that he doesn't even like our prime minister and would probably be glad to see the last of him, but he said it was a matter of principles. I said, "Let him get the job and let us have another prime minister," but then we got into a discussion about who that should be and we thought in horror of the possibilities. We're hoping that they'll choose a sensible woman and are keeping our fingers crossed.

Then we got into a discussion about music and the Exfactor mentioned that "nerve wrecking kind of jazz," and I was trying to figure out what kind he meant by that, because it sounded like the kind of jazz I like. I said that I didn't like "easy" jazz, but that I liked "complicated" jazz and if that was what he meant, and he said that he didn't like the kind in which they just made a lot of nervous sounding noise and beeps and bleeps and that he likes the jazz of the 60's, which I have to concede that I do also.

We talked about classical music, because he exclusively listens to a Belgian classical radio station and I asked him if they made any differentiation between the different kinds of classical music, because I don't like all classical music and you can't throw them into one pot just like that. I never did get a straight answer to that, but I get the feeling that he listens to anything, regardless of the style and era, as long as it's played by this station. I like baroque and opera choruses and especially anything by Johan Sebastian Bach or Mozart or Vivaldi. I don't care for most opera arias and romantic classical music. I find it too dramatic. I may be very conventional in my tastes, but I do have them and I'm very picky about them. I got the feeling that the Exfactor listened indiscriminately to anything that came under the header of classical music.

He started listening to this radio station when we were still together and sometimes he would listen to god awful music and I would ask him, "Do you really like that?" And he would concede that he didn't, but kept listening to it anyway.Needless to say, it was the favorite radio station of the woman he was having an affair with and who is now his girlfriend, so you see how easily he is influenced by the women in his life. Sometimes this radio station plays jazz and ethnic music and world music, which he all has to listen to, of course, so he is forced to undergo some different listening habits. I'm secretly having a lot of fun about this, because I can not imagine enduring music simply because someone I'm in love with listens to that station. Or having political opinions because the person I am with has certain attitudes that I have to share and I want them to love me so I agree with them.

I really, really like being my own person and having my own opinions about things and making up my own mind independently of anyone else. I draw my own conclusions and come to my own decisions without the interference of a person standing next to me declaring his point of view very loudly. Someone who is constantly commenting while you are trying to watch the news and trying to make up your own mind about what you hear and see. It's sheer liberation to be freed from that and to think in a liberated space where there is room for your own thoughts that otherwise would struggle to survive. I so very much do not believe in a "we as a couple believe this." I do believe in a free and independent believe system that's not influenced by others, but come about out of your own free will and independently gotten information.

Now, having said that, I believe the Exfactor is a really sweet person who always has the best intentions and wants to please people very much, and he always shows his best side to me, because isn't he always ready to help me, before I even ask for it? So, this isn't so much about the Exfactor, but about relationships in general and about how stifling they can be and how dis-empowering. There's always someone who very subtly or not so subtly, wants to press his world vision and life definition onto the relationship and have it be the only one that counts and the partner has to except it as his/her own.

No, being a solitary person is far preferable above being part of a 2 unit, confined and fabricated, dominated by one person, set of people.You have to be very mature and emotionally healthy to let the other person remain independent and wholesomely intact to be a successful and integral couple. I haven't seen enough proof of that to be a believer in it, but I'd be happy to be shown examples of it. I suppose you're all going to comment to me now that you and your partner are the exception to the rule, but I will be full of doubt. You will know best yourself and won't need to prove it to me.

Oh God. I'm on my soapbox again, aren't I? Sometimes I just have to spout my opinions all over the place. I can be so full of myself, it's ridiculous, but I hope it gives you something amusing to read. You can totally disagree with me, of course, Your experience may be quite different than mine. I am biased, not having had one successful relationship. I think I'm not cut out for them, or not yet anyway. Possibly I have a lot of growing up to do and I'm running like a train. Maybe when I'm done growing up, I will be willing to accept another person into my life in a very lose relationship. It can't be the least bit suffocating. I will not suffer the ties that bind me.

Right, I'm climbing off my soapbox now and tucking it under my arm and marching off with it into the night. It seems like it is very late, but it isn't at all. Still, I'm going to get my pajamas on and get cozy. There are always the sofa and the television to consider. A person can doze away there.

Have a good night or a good day, which ever one you want. It's a democracy, so you get to choose.

Ciao,
Nora