Blue Monday...

It was Blue Monday day before yesterday, but I didn't know that until after I had my own version of it. I have a tendency not to believe in those kinds of things if I know about them beforehand, but this time I didn't. 

It's supposed to be the worst day of the year for whatever reason I don't know. The logic of it escapes me. I can testify to the fact that it is true because I had my own horrible day. After having felt good for months, and especially good the last few weeks, I tumbled down into the pit of despair and wanted to be dead. 

Now luckily, this feeling didn't last longer than the Blue Monday was long and I did crawl out of that pit again and by the nighttime I was on my way back up. I didn't end up in a long lasting depression which very easily could have been the case too. Somehow my optimism came shining through and I could not stay long in that misreable place. 

I was bound to stumble and fall after having been in a elevated mood for so long. I could not keep up the pace. Throw in a couple of minor complications and I ran out of steam. Suddenly everything became too much for me and I couldn't see the forest for the trees anymore. I felt completely lost and lonely. It was all in a reaction to what had come before. 

At my lowest point, I wished myself dead, but I soon got over that and started thinking of reasons to live. I didn't reach for extra pills to make myself feel better. That notion didn't even enter my head. I did have a talk with my Higher Being and decided to not to try to force the issue but to leave it up to fate. Then I took a nap because sleep solves a lot.

The next day I was at ease with myself and peaceful again. I was ready to climb back into the saddle with a more realistic point of view. I'm not ready to go on an adventurous rde, I will just move along at a steady pace. Easy does it. I won't go battling windmills. 

Now I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk enjoying the solitude of the night. I just let the dog out back and outside it's freezing. There's a star filled sky. 

I try to be efficient and self reliable. It's what got me here. 

Ciao,

Nora

In the late hours...

I went to bed early last night and slept for a couple of hours, only to wake up to have to go to the toilet and to have to let Tyke out. I will have to go back to bed some time to sleep some more until 7 am when I will have to get up, because my sofa is going to be delivered between 8 and 9:30 am. I want to be wide awake and dressed when that happens. I also do want to have had some coffee by then.

The living room is very empty without any sofa in it at all, but there is lots of room for Tyke to play with his ball, so he has been taking advantage of that. I've rolled up the area rug and I'm getting rid of it, because it has stains in it and a few burn marks from dropped cigarettes from when I was still on heavy tranquilizers and dozed off regularly. It's lucky I didn't burn the place down. I will get another area rug when I'm at Ikea next. I've seen some in the catalog that are not expensive and made of natural materials. I'm sure I'll find something there that pleases me. I've also seen the curtains there that I like and they are inexpensive as well and I want to get them. I'll have to ask my sister to take me over there one of these days soon.

I love all these changes that I'm about to make and am looking forward to them. I feel that I'm being shaken out of my complacency and am accomplishing things. Everything has been on the back burner for too long and it's about time I do something about them. It only takes a few bold steps and cutting the proverbial knot to get through the inertia that had built up. No doubt cutting down on my antidepressants has a lot to do with that, as it has given me more energy and a clearer point of view. They had actually dulled my outlook and performance. Not only am I reducing one, but I've cut another one out completely and I think that's a darn good thing.

I'm getting back some good feedback on quitting smoking. Not only will my clothes and my apartment smell better, my sense of smell and taste will improve too, so that I will enjoy things a lot more. No doubt I am severely impaired in these senses now. Food should taste better and scents should smell better. I will enjoy the smell of freshly washed laundry better. I have so much to look forward to. One thing, of course, will be cleaner lungs, and no longer that cough that I have in the mornings when I wake up and smoke my first cigarette. My physical condition should improve too and hopefully I will have more endurance. I will notice that when I'm riding my bike and when I'm walking Tyke.

Oh, I'm all bogged down in seriousness. I do have to lighten up. Today is going to be a great day. It is Thursday and officially my day off. Except for the sofa, that means no appointments and no visitors. I do have to do a load of laundry and take the dry laundry off the rack in the bathroom, but that will be an easy job. It's really not time to change the bed yet, I've just done that, but I'm tempted to do it again. All for the sake of clean smelling sheets. Ha, I don't even know what clean smelling sheets are yet. I suppose I'll have to wait a while to really find out. I've been fooling myself into thinking that I knew this, but I will really know once my nose starts working properly.

I've got the choice now to go to bed or to stay up. I'm not in the least bit tired, but it's awfully early to start the day. I can think of some things to do. There are a couple of jobs that need my attention. I can put them off or do them now and it will be fun to fill this empty time with something useful, as long as I'm not going back to sleep.

Tyke's gone to sleep on Jesker's old pillow. First he pulled it into the place he wanted it to be and got rid of all the toys that were lying on top of it and then he laid down on it. He's a smart dog. He misses the area rug to sleep on, no doubt. It's not much fun to lie on the cold linoleum.

I'm going to do those jobs now and keep myself busy and out of trouble.

Ciao,
Nora