A wish come true...

My daughter and I have decided that I will go live in Houston when I turn 65 and receive my state pension. I am very excited about this and can't wait now for the intervening years to pass. I will have to be patient and finish living my life here, but in my mind I am already packing my most precious possessions. Knowing that I am only going to be here for about another five years, puts everything in perspective and suddenly I don't worry about a whole lot of things so very much anymore. It is like I have gotten a new lease on life. This is really what I wanted all along.

 

It is very easy to get lost in all sorts of plans already when I talk about going there, so I have to be careful not to talk about it too much. I have all sorts of time to take care of whatever needs to be taken care of and to think about the sort of life I want to live there. I know it will involve lots of yoga and being a vegetarian and very little politics.

 

We have set the clock forward one hour and I am glad that we did because I seem to wake up at the proper time in the morning now. I would really like for it to always be summer time, but then I am not in charge of things. The moment I am, I will let you all know and I promise you all easier lives and a chicken in every pot. At least for those of you who eat meat.

 

Because they were making me so somber and overtired, I have stopped taking the tranquilizers. I think they served their purpose when I needed them, but they were past their function. I took one last one yesterday morning, but felt awful as a result and had to go back to bed out of sheer misery. With a bit of luck, I won't have to take them again for a long time. Luckily, I never get addicted to them.

 

The weather has been beautiful and will be for a couple of more days. I am already wearing my summer clothes and am expecting a package on Tuesday with a new summer dress. I do have to be kind to myself sometimes.

 

 

On a tropical island

I had a hot flash a while ago that made me wish I was on a windswept tropical island on a white sandy beach with gently lapping waves under the shade of a palm tree with a cocktail in my hand. It is only lack of funds that makes me unable to make this fantasy come true, so looking at it like that, not much stands in my way. Yes, I do always have to stay optimistic and act like anything I want to do is within easy reach. In this way I can allow myself to have any kind of daydream and assume it will come true some day. If it doesn't, it is because the time is not ripe yet.

 

Until I have that cocktail in my hand, I am having a tall glass of ice cold lemonade and that will do just fine too. It cools me off to the point that I can put my bathrobe on again and that is the whole purpose. That does not mean that I would not like to have some vanilla ice cream, but because it has lactose in it, I will not spend too much time daydreaming about that. It would be a futile activity.

 

I did just remember to take the next tranquilizer on time before I got in too bad a shape. At least I had the sense not to challenge the reason for taking it and then regretting having done so. At times my talent for illogical thinking even amazes me.

 

The Exfactor brought over a salmon moat as a surprise for me yesterday and I fixed that for dinner. Tyke and I enjoyed it very much and also the fried potatoes I fixed to go with it. He had bought the salmon on the open air market, but that is not something he will be able to do next week because he works the daytime shift then at his new job. It is an amazing thing that the Exfactor managed to get a job at his age in this time of high unemployment. He is very lucky indeed.

 

I sleep with less covers over me and the window open so I will overheat less quickly. I have also stopped wearing anything that resembles pajamas. Less is more.

Menopause

I saw my GP today because lately I have been bothered by night sweats so badly, but I thought it was a bit late in life for me to be in the menopause. Besides, I had a complete hysterectomy when I was in my late 30's because of a bad case of endometriosis. Things just did not add up. I also got hot flashes during the day if I was in a place that was not ventilated well enough and too crowded. 

 

My GP was a bit puzzled too and called the gynecologist and he explained that some tissue of the endometriosis is probably still in my body and that it is causing hormonal changes and making me now finally be in the menopause. There is not much that can be done about it, but because my hot flashes are so bad at night, the GP will consider giving me a hormone treatment. She will let me know her decision next week.

 

I wonder if the fact that I am now in the menopause is also the reason why I am having more emotional problems and why I am now having to use tranquilizers. I suppose that is anybody's guess.

 

Having the night sweats makes sleeping through the night impossible because the sheets and my pajamas get drenched. It is another reason why I get up for a while because I have to deal with the situation.

 

This is emotionally draining and I am going to bed early. I am tired of there always being something wrong.

 

 

The "S" word.

I have waited too long with taking my tranquilizer and now I am all in a tizzy. I am applying all the relaxation techniques that I know, but they pale in comparison to what a tranquilizer can do. It is my sincere hope that the one I just took is going to work quickly and woe is me if it doesn't. What I dislike most about this condition is how insecure I get, but it is also true that this disappears the moment the tranquilizer starts to work, so it has a lot going for it. I have to take one about every six hours in order to feel in the best possible state of mind. They really are a god sent and right now I can't do without them.

 

I had an odd day yesterday and felt very strange for a large part of it. The world seemed unreal to me and I felt disconnected from it as if I was living in a dream. I felt as if I was floating about a foot off the ground and could not get back down to earth no matter what I tried. I did try to reconnect to everything that was real, but it seems that I needed to go to sleep for a few hours before I could achieve that. Sometimes I exist in a haze and in a world all of my own that has little to do with reality. I think it is a good thing that I don't have any large responsibilities then.

 

I went to bed early forgetting that I was expecting a package, and I was just dozing off when it arrived. I had to take delivery of it dressed in my tank top and underwear because I was completely caught unawares. The delivery man averted his eyes when he handed the package over in order not to embarrass me. I was so sleepy that I did not open the package but went straight back to sleep and now I still have not opened it. I know what is in it, so it is not going to be too much of a surprise. The only question will be if it fits. There are two summer dresses and capri style leggings in it.

 

I am a few sizes bigger than I was last year and have had to buy new clothes. I am making my sister and my cleaning lady happy with the clothes that do not fit me anymore because I doubt I am ever going to be that little again. I very much enjoy being able to eat and don't mind being this bigger size. I have stopped growing and settled at this weight and am comfortable at it. I am not poofy or bloated and still am attractive enough. The most important thing is that I like myself.

 

I have uninstalled Ubuntu because it was nothing but a pain in the neck. I don't know why I had the silly idea to install it in the first place. Windows 8.1 is more than good enough.

 

 

 

 

Dark chocolate...

The Exfactor was evil enough to bring an orange flavored dark chocolate bar with him for me today, and needless to say, I had to eat the whole thing in about 5 minutes flat right after he left. At least I could contain myself until that time, but I did not want him to see how greedily I ate it. Dark chocolate is my downfall and not any of it lasts for any time at all if it is around me, because it will all be eaten immediately by me until it is all gone. Thank god it was only one chocolate bar and not of whole box of it. I think I have to hang a sign on the front door that says, "Do not bring any chocolate into this apartment." I will just assume that this is it for a while and that my American ex is not going to get any silly ideas like he did last year. 

I thought I was going to have a very serene and non active day, but it turned more interesting than I had planned because I downloaded the latest version of Ubuntu on my computer, but in such a way that I now have both it and Windows 8.1. I felt so good because of the tranquilizers that I was ready to add some excitement to my day. Of course, once I downloaded it, it took all sorts of fiddling and fine tuning with before I was happy with it and I wasted a few precious hours. Not that I had anything else to do. I do try to keep my life somewhat exciting as long as it is within the limits of what is still safe enough and not too crazy. I have no real good reason to do something like this other that that it is possible and it brings a new element into my life.

The Exfactor also did the grocery shopping with a carefully wrought list by me. I put red skinned potatoes on the list because I thought they were on sale, but apparently they were not. They will taste good anyway. My ex mother in law used to make a terrific potato salad with red skinned potatoes, but I am sure they will taste good with my vegetable stew also. Oh yes, that reminds me that I still have to do the dishes before I can cook dinner. My cup runneth over. Oh, the joy of household chores. 

Tyke is ahead of schedule and thinks it is time to go for a walk, but I am not fooled for one little bit. It is true that the weather is nice out there and the sun is shining. I think he is bored with me because I have been preoccupied for such a long time and have been neglecting him. 

I have to get back with my feet on the ground because right now I am floating a foot above it. I think the chocolate is partly to blame. I have to get back in touch with my surroundings and I will have to sit in my armchair for a bit and do nothing but contemplate my navel and visit with myself. Maybe petting Tyke for a while will ground me. A dog is a woman's best friend and there to remind her of what is important. We will go for a walk when I am solidly put back together again. 

In my own damn good time...

Because I am so mellow now, and don't have much of a worry on my mind, I want to take the opportunity of this peaceful hour that I have to spare before I walk Tyke, and write a blog post. It is not that I suddenly have all sorts of subjects to write about, but that I feel like being communicative in a cozy sort of way like when you talk to your best friend over a cup of coffee. I do happen to be drinking one of those and this time with milk in it, which makes it taste extra good and makes my stomach happy too because it is lactose free. All I need now is a chocolate to go with it and I would be real happy, but that is a lot of wishful thinking.

 

I did have a cup of coffee briefly with my friend M. this afternoon when she took a break between chores, but I did not stay there for a long time because I really wanted to be home in my own environment where I am happiest right now. I am so very much a homebody at the moment, but I give myself permission to be and enjoy sitting in my armchair doing nothing very important at all. That is hard to explain when people ask me what I am doing, but then again, I owe no one an explanation. The fact that I feel at rest and peaceful is good enough for me and that's what they will have to do it with.

 

It is a bit of a chilly day today and I have the heater on and my bathrobe over my clothes. Needless to say, I am not very much looking forward to taking Tyke out for a walk in a while because it means getting colder than I am now. Of course it will be great to get inside again and I do have that to look forward to, and dinner, which will make me feel nice and warm and full. There are pleasures like that several times in the day. I never mind fixing dinner because the result is so satisfying and I love how I feel afterwards, which is sleepy and full and not at all uncomfortable like I used to when I ate the wrong things.

 

Tyke is already looking at me longingly, but he is a little bit early and I have to ignore him for now. Going for walks is his favorite activity no matter how often we walk the same route. He just keeps marking the same spots along the way and he always finds some half eaten apples to eat. I am sure it is all very entertaining to him and I do get my outings too and a bit of fresh air. That is why I am so sure that I will always have a dog because I always want to have an excuse to regularly go outside and I don't think I will do that as easily on my own.

 

Right chilly world, here we come.