Wednesday, May 02, 2012

The black dog...

I didn't really want to mention it but the depression that I talked about some time ago never did leave me. It simmered beneath the surface all along and in the last few days it has become more active again. I find it very difficult to be cheerful and to have hope and my thoughts are mostly rather morose.

It's to the point now that I'm not happy to be alive and that I wish for a way out. Unfortunately, I don't know of an easy way to do that. I have tried not to be alive in the past numerous times and failed. I won't be so foolish as to try those methods again. All I can hope is that the depression will leave me and that I will see the sense of living again. 

I did see my therapist this afternoon and was able to unload some of my mind but it did not feel like a relief. I felt like I could have sat there for hours and cried uncontrollably for all of them. That's how much of a load I'm carrying with me. It's all old grief and contrary to what I claimed yesterday, it seems that I do walk around with a lot of sadness from the past. I have many regrets and feel much guilt. 

It was three weeks since I saw my therapist and that was too much time. I walked around with these feelings on my own and did not try to contact her or my psychiatrist. It's as though I have to grit my teeth and bear them. As if it is my fate in life that I have them. It doesn't dawn on me to reach out for help. It's like I have to relearn that every time. 

I'm sitting here now with my second cup of coffee and my cigarettes and I feel like I've got a hangover. Or like I've done something really bad. Like I've betrayed the cause. The cause is keeping up appearances and not letting anyone know how bad life has been. Or how bad it still is. 

I suppose everybody involved has their excuses and that's how we keep the chain intact. Nobody is willing or able to accept the responsibility. I take it all on myself. I'm tired of playing my role and I'm not going to do it anymore. I'll not be the black sheep and the sacrificial lamb. 



Wisewebwoman said...

So sorry to hear this Irene, know that I understand.

The best word I can offer you is Wait".

It is always darkest before the light.

Hang in there, my friend!


Connie Rose said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so poorly, dear Irene. I just can't imagine how difficult it must be for you with your mood constantly changing. Much love and compassion to you.

Anonymous said...

Someone else that I am quite fond of is also suffering with a bout of depression at the moment, so I've been doing a lot of reading on the subject (again), trying to be as supportive as I can. This little tidbit I found has stuck a chord with me: depression lies. The brain does NOT tell the truth when depression hits, so the sufferer needs trusted people around them who WILL tell them the truth.
So, I hope you will continue to rely on your psychiatrist and therapist and anybody else in your world who are trustworthy and who WILL tell you the truth that your brain will NOT. xoxo

Rob-bear said...

I've been a bit weary with the rain of the last week, but not really depressed. Which is something of a break for me.

I've been seeing members of my "health care team," and they've been good. I take my medications, get lots of rest, and try to be active when I'm awake.

However, I have been in your space, Irene. Not at all happy. And as pinklea observes, the brain does lie in times of depression.

Blessings and Bear hugs, Irene.

Maggie May said...

I'm sorry that you've got so low so fast and truly hope that it will pass soon..... as it always does in the end.
Don't lose sight of the fact that it does pass. Hang on in there and lets hope that this awful weather passes soon because that doesn't help at all.
Hugs........ Maggie X

Nuts in May

ArcticFox said...

I always find the cusp between spring/winter to be dark and upsetting and these weather patterns really don't help..... but spring is definitely coming.... hang in there for the better times!

CorvusCorax12 said...

this time of year is hard for many losses, so i can understand. I hope you feel better real soon and don't keep up appearances .