Sleep!

After I wrote my post early this morning, I have done nothing but sleep on the sofa under the red fleece blanket. It felt as though a cloud of sleepiness settled over me and I couldn't get out of it until just now. I'm having a cup of coffee to try and get the last bit of sleepiness out of my system, but I'm still yawning and the sofa still looks awfully appealing to me. I have one blind pulled halfway up and Toby is lying on the back of the sofa looking out the window. Gandhi is asleep on the sofa where I had been lying. Tyke is asleep by my feet and I want to go back and join Gandhi.

I always seem to alternate one active day with one inactive day. I was full of plans this morning, but I don't know yet if I will make a big walk with Tyke today. I have to see how I get out of this sleepiness first. The best thing to do, of course, is to put on my hiking boots and go for a walk. It doesn't have to be a big walk even. Just long enough to wake up and get my brain cleared up. I will tentatively plan on that then and do that as soon as I've written this post.

There's nothing nicer than lying on the sofa with the red blanket pulled over me and the sound of the TV in the background. I don't even know what's on and what programs I'm missing. It doesn't matter. It's just chatter in the background of my sleep. I dream a lot when I sleep on the sofa and I work out all sorts of things in my dreams. They are little analytical sessions that I have in symbolic language, but I understand the symbolism usually. I always dream about my children and my exes and the life I had in California. These elements repeat themselves in different stories over and over again.

It's cloudy and 4C outside, so it's not too cold. I see that no rain is expected now, though it rained and snowed during the night. Tomorrow it's actually going to be 9C, that's practically springtime weather. I did see green tips of bulb plants poke out of the ground yesterday. They must have been daffodils. I forgot to look if the snowdrops were still there. I'll have to do that today. If I get that far. I have a sore spot on my little toe. The same one that bothered me so much last year and I'll have to put a band aid on it to prevent it from getting hurt by my hiking boot. Maybe that's what happened last year and I just imagined I stubbed it. It may have been because of my hiking boots all along.

My eyes are getting better for close up such as working behind the computer, but they are getting worse for faraway. The one lens is not good enough for reading the subtitles on TV anymore, though if I look through both lenses it is okay. I suppose that's what matters in the end. It's just a curiosity I noticed when I was watching TV from a distance. I was watching text TV and couldn't read it very well and was wondering why. I suppose I'll blame it on old age.

My sister just called and we're going grocery shopping tomorrow afternoon, which is good, because I'm just about out of everything. We were supposed to go yesterday, but she had a 24 hour stomach bug. Unfortunately, the supermarkets are closed on Sundays, so we can't go now. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could? There's an ordinance against it.

Well, I suppose I'll take the four legged critter on a walk now. He's still sound asleep, but he'll notice the second I get up to put my boots on.

Have a good afternoon!

Ciao,
Nora

Thunderstorm...

We had a big old thunderstorm this afternoon (Noah's Ark Type) and the rain just poured out of the heavens in buckets. It was great, because I was inside looking out at it, having just gotten home from therapy and not quite to the point of having taken out Jesker. Excellent timing on my part.

I opened up the kitchen window and the back door and got a good draft going that cooled things off quite a bit in here. As soon as it stopped raining, I took Jesker for a walk and it was so nice out, fresh and cool and everything was soaking wet and drenched all the way through and I think they've seeded the two fields, so the rain could not come at a more opportune moment.

After I got home with Jesker, I did my three chores faithfully and then turned on the computer and another rainstorm hit. It was wonderful and it poured buckets again. I can't tell you how much I like the rain, That is as long as I'm not caught out in it. It's great to sit inside and watch the whole street turn into a shallow lake in a few minutes flat and feel the cool air from it. It''s going to rain on Tuesday and Wednesday too and the temperatures are going to be a lot cooler, which I think is just fine.

So, I've done those three chores, but I've already thought of three other chores I can do, so when I'm finished with this post, I'll go do them. It will take me half an hour maximum. Maybe twenty minutes. I am going to clean three doors with a special wood cleaning product. that takes the grime right off.

This morning, I got on my bike and tried to ride away on it, when the pedals did their spinning thing again and I lost my balance and fell over and landed on the sidewalk on my elbow and my knees. I said, "Shit," and didn't move right away, because I was taking inventory as to what I had hurt, but I only had some dents in my knees and a scraped elbow. So I picked up that lousy bike and got on it again and rode off on it to my creative therapy class.

So, now I either have to get that bike fixed or get me a second hand bike at the recycle store, whichever is cheapest. I can't afford to keep falling over. I may get hurt. This is something I have to discuss with the Exfactor, because he is the bike repairman.

At creative therapy I finished drawing my doodle and started coloring it with ink and a brush, It's turning out nicely and I'm getting compliments on it, which I think are undeserved, because it isn't that great. It's just okay. I really want to sculpt again, but I can't find anything in the book that I want to make and I'm not inspired enough to make anything on my own. I have a blockage that keeps me from being free and expressive in clay and I do so want to be.

I can't break through the barrier of being an okay artist to being a shocking or controversial or renewing artist. I'm stuck on the middle of the road. I'm just a middle class artist and I'm afraid there's something missing in the core of me that will make me a little bit great and unusual, but I tell myself that I haven't been in touch with that part yet and that I need to do a lot more work.

That's why I need to invest in some art materials for here at home and I am going to have to spend some of my precious money and buy them.

Well anyway, all pondering aside, I have an inside scoop and that is that the clinic where my SPN and my psychiatrist work, is going to be having creative therapy also and I think that is mighty interesting for future reference.

I have been wearing my toe slippers none stop, because my little toe is so happy for the freedom from pressure on it. For the first time in more than six months it's not hurting, thank goodness for that. I will probably not wear regular shoes all summer. Even when it gets cold. Oh, listen to those famous last words.

Now I'm going to wash those doors.

Have a good day, everyone, a good and cool day with some rain in it.

Ciao...

Friday on the merry go round.

It's a good thing that the dog woke me early this morning, because although I had set my alarm for 7 am, it didn't actually go off until 7:50 and that would have been kind of late. So the alarm clock is not reliable anymore and I already thought it was not, because the other day it showed completely the wrong time. Which meant I went to a cheap household goods store today and bought a radio alarm clock that is a 24 hour digital one and set it to a pleasant Belgian radio station to go off at 7 am and it has a snooze button. Not that I will use that, of course. I will listen to the pleasant Flemish voices and wake up in a good mood, and start my day full of good cheer.

I've increased my tranquilizers today from three pills at the time to five pills at the time. It was either that or go back to the Temazepam, and since that makes me so sleepy, I didn't want to do that. It was an executive decision that I made on my own, but I will inform my SPN shortly by email. I am sure that she loves how I let her know these things after the fact, but I count on her to trust me. It lits a load of my shoulders and I don't nearly feel the stress that I felt before.

If you wonder why I feel the stress, it is partly because of that ridiculous domestic help scene that turned out to be something else than what I needed and I have to address this issue in my email to my SPN also. I've talked about it with several people today and they all said that I should ask for more.

Creative therapy went fine. I destroyed the creation I was working on that I was making up by myself, because I was very unhappy with it and dropped and pounded the clay back into one solid lump so I could start all over again. I then brought out the bible, which is Henri Moore's book of sculptures, and picked out one that I wanted to make and I've made a lot of progress and I'm happy with it. Somehow I always do better making a copy. I don't have one original thought in my head when it comes to working with clay, unless I want to make flower pots and who wants to make them?

I ate breakfast before I left, so I wouldn't be tempted to eat cookies at therapy and I walked in there and the table was laden with many packs of three kinds of cookies and I thought that was awfully cruel. I was able to withstand them however, but I did eat two old biscuits from the tin that was sitting there. They were tiny and didn't count. I used up those calories going up the stairs to the deck and the espresso machine during the break.

Then it was homeward bound with a quick stop at the tobacconist and then home to the dog, who was all poor and pathetic for having been alone all morning. I took him out for a quick walk while all the while my toe hurt like crazy. It's making it hard for me to walk at a quick pace.Then I walked to the bus stop to catch the bus downtown, even though I said I wouldn't , but my bike is too funky,

I waited at the café under the awning, which was heated very pleasantly, for Von to get there while I had a cappuccino. I was early and Von was late, but in the end we found each other and spent two hours doing nothing but talk and talk. I had two cappuccinos and a Wiekse Witte so I have to watch my calories tonight. There were cookies with the cappucinos which I refused to eat and I gave my fist one to a pigeon. He got lucky.

We parted company when I went to buy my alarm clock and then I even went to two clothing stores without buying anything at all and got to the bus stop one minute before the bus got there. That was sheer luck. I hobbled home from the bus stop and took my boots of right way to give my poor toe a break. Soon enough I had to put them back on to walk the dog, but now they are off and I'm sitting here in my socks, which is a great relief. I can't even wear my slippers because they hurt too much. I think another trip to the GP is warranted.

Now I'm going to have myself a glass if juice and a slice of raisin bread and then put on my pajamas, Then I'm going to hang in there as long as possible.

Ciao...

Warmer Leggings Weather.

I've just been out to walk the Überhund and it wasn't really cold out, but not the nice day it was Friday, so I decided not to wear the lacy leggings, but the warmer ones that I've been wearing all winter. I want to save the lacy leggings for really sunny springtime days, when going bare legged is still too risky and I still want to wear my boots. At this point, I can't imagine wearing my boots with bare legs, but don't put it past me. You never now, I may be one of those cowgirls.

Speaking of boots, my toe is getting a little bit better and it now hurts only half as much as it did, which is quite an improvement. I haven't done anything to it but wear my two pairs of new boots and I think they fit well and make the toe heal better. That darn toe! Isn't it amazing how such a little digit can cause you so much discomfort? I thought at times of chopping it off, but then that seemed so drastic.

I have been sleeping so well lately. I didn't wake up this morning until 9:30 and that was only because the dog woke me as he was trying to be petted by me. My hand was hanging over the edge of the sofa and he decided that hand needed to pet him. When that hand didn't cooperate, he complained about it.

The real issue was that he wanted to eat, as both his dishes were empty, so I fed him his Butcher's and then he went into a coma for a while to digest it all. That always gives me some extra time to wake up and have enough coffee so that I can become functional and coherent.

But then again, who's to say when I really have my bright moments of the day? It's all a question of how you interpret my words and actions and they can be quite different depending on when you talk to me and how much of my medication I have had. Will the real Irene please stand up? She keeps standing up all day, but which one is the real one? I think at any given moment of the day, part of me is real, but it is never the complete picture. Maybe that is true for all of us and I am just finding that out.

I don't know about you, but I spent a long time of my life searching for the real me and it is only in these past several years that I have found her. It has been a surprising discovery, because much of what I turn out to be I like, and is completely appositive to how I had been living my life before, and that was so cramped and claustrophobic that it drove me crazy. The way I always thought I ought to live my life, turned out to be completely against my nature and I needed something completely different.

The way I thought I ought to live my life, was hammered into me by the people who raised me and by the environment I was brought up in, which was very narrow minded and bourgeois. It seemed there were no other options and I dutifully followed the expectations. Get married to a promising man, buy a washing machine and a dryer and have babies and live happily ever after, or not, but pretend that you do. Don't escape your fate!

There is nothing worse then being a round peg being forced to fit into a square hole. It just doesn't work, no matter how hard you try. You will be most miserable from being hammered on and seeing yourself fail and not finding the exit sign. Needless to say, once you do and escape, you feel like a miscreant.

Anyway, after all those years, I've figured myself out and I'm not unhappy with the outcome. It needs a little tweaking here and there, but for the most part it is okay. I could have done a lot worse. The fact that I am just a little bit eccentric is not bad, I believe everybody should be to make it an interesting world. I come with an instruction booklet, but I can tell you about it all personally, down to the smallest detail.

One thing I may never figure out, is how to have a successful relationship with a member of the opposite sex, but I think it has a very low priority on my list of things I want right now. I can think of ten things I want to do badly before I would come to that one. So, it is not a major headache. As a matter of fact, the issue is as tiny as an ant, you'd need a microscope to appreciate it. There are relationships in my life that are more important that I want to invest energy in.

Well, talk about wasting time, not that we were, but I am wasting it, but then again it is Sunday and a day of rest, although I just realized that it is the first Sunday of the month and all the shops are open. Mmm...is that something I can resist?

Have yourself a wonderful day. The sun has come out here for some strange reason, but I will not question it and merely accept it.

Some of the Exfactor's photographs as a treat. I have them stored in my folders.





Ciao...

Well....

I'm a fine example of an industrious Dutch woman. I haven't done a thing today that required any effort, except for walk the Überhund and clean up a cat hairball. I have done nothing but laze around and been kind to my toe, which I very gently rubbed with a lot of gel and then wound in a bandage a couple of times.

Actually, I think it is the bandage that is keeping it from hurting so much, as it keeps it from being squashed by the other toe next to it. It is a painful business to put on my boots and walk the Überhund, but I've been doing that for 2 months now, so I can do it for a while longer.

So, I have done nothing useful all day long and even the phone has not rung. It is a very quiet day here. You would almost think that I live on an island and have been cut off from the shore. Or I am living a life deep in the impenetrable woods and there is nobody around but me and the critters. I am completely lost in my own world. Is there a better place to be lost in? Not in my book. I have been completely at comfort, with a high sense of satisfaction. Today I was the lone wolf, quite happy in her den with the other animals.

Of course, I got up late and the day was halfway over before I got it started properly. That was extremely pleasant and I hope that happens again tomorrow. It is so funny to skip the whole morning and to not make it out there until after lunchtime and to know that the rest of the world has been busy for hours already and nothing bad happens to you if you do. The sky doesn't come falling down and the sun doesn't drop out of the heavens.

Everything is so relative. I am just a little tiny cog in the machinery and I hardly matter in the scheme of things. That makes me glad and I'm happy that I'm not important in the larger picture. That means I can almost be anonymous and just glide through the world outside without even touching it too much. I hardly need to leave any dents in the fabric of life. I don't cause many ripples in life's waters. Isn't that nice?

I used to have a fantasy about me leaping onto a big stage in front of a huge adoring audience and acting my heart out and emoting up a storm and getting a thunderous applause afterwards, but all that desire has left me and I would now merely want to be a member of the audience watching someone else do it. I'm glad general adoration and attention can go to someone else and not me. I would not want the responsibility of it and I am sure I would deal badly with it and come completely undone.

--------------------

In the meantime, it is an hour later, because my older sister called me and we had to talk for a long while, of course, and I briefly had to let out the Überhund. Just long enough for him to do his business and for my toe not to hurt too much in my boot. Luckily, the Überhund is always very cooperative and he gets done quickly, no doubt wanting to get home for his treat as soon as possible. Gandhi escaped into the stairwell, but I've discovered that I don't need to chase her and that I can leave the front door slightly ajar and she'll come back 5 minutes later. That saves me from having to go up four flights of stairs, which she takes a quick as the wind.

In the mail just now I also got news from the tax office with my new rent subsidy and it will be higher than it was last time, which was a miscalculation. So the next time I will get that extra money too. Thank you Higher Power, Allah, Buddha, God and Barack Obama. I will not thank Jan Peter Balkenende who is our prime minister and is up to no good. The Christian Democrat! While I am a Socialist. Righteous indignation here.

Anyway, here I have this perfectly lovely wasted day and I am not about to make a change in that by doing anything useful now. I may take a shower and wash my hair and fix it up again, but that almost seems like too much work. Still, it is tempting to have clean hair that is not sticky with hairspray. Yes, actually, that sounds like a very good idea. See how I can talk myself into that? I have some clean pajamas I can put on too. Sometimes I just outsmart myself. Hee, hee.

Well, with that smart idea between my ears, I am going to leave you and first remember to water my rubber plant, which needs to be watered every Saturday and which I have not done yet. I just pour half a container of water on the thing and it thrives. I have a green thumb with plants that take kindly to me. In other words, plants that only need a little bit of tender loving care and that can take some accidental neglect. I try, I really do.

Have a good evening. Enjoy your cozy hours indoors.

Ciao...

How the day went...

Merrily I sit here behind the computer again with my feet dressed only in socks and my little toe wrapped in gauze to keep the gel in place that I have to apply to it 4 times a day. It is not broken, but badly contused and the reason that it is not healing is the fact that I have to wear my boots every day and it would be better if I could walk on my socks or my bare feet all the time.

Unfortunately, the weather won't allow it, so I am in for a long healing process. In the meantime, I am to wear any boots as little as possible, including my slippers, so I am sitting here with only my socks on, trying to keep my toe as comfortable as possible.

And all along I have been walking through this awful pain and just stomping around with it and suffering with it and thinking that was just my fate. In other words, I have not been taking care of it properly and doing all the wrong things, such as deciding to take the Überhund for longer walks. My, my, I do do some silly things.

Now I know to treat it gently and to walk on it as little as possible and to take off my boots at the first opportunity. I am also to take a double dose of paracetamol 3 times a day. That should help with the pain. I had not thought of doing that myself. Duh! Who said wisdom comes with age?

Well, that was the story about the toe. Actually, that was the last thing I did today, besides going to the pharmacy to get the gel.

Firstly My SPN called to see how I was doing and I told her that I was doing very well and that, as a mater of fact, sometimes maybe I was doing a little bit too well and that maybe we shouldn't decrease the medication yet. She agreed to that and I am seeing her next Tuesday and we can then make a decision about it. Maybe I will have slowed down a bit by then. Sometimes I just feel extremely well, like I am on top of the world, and I know I mustn't quite trust that feeling.

To celebrate me feeling so well, I went to the flower shop and picked out two new plants. I had the pots at home to put them in and I am quite pleased with them. One of them is a hardy fern, that even I should not be able to kill. It looks quite sturdy and I think it will do well. The other plant is like the one I bought last week with the succulent leaves that I can't find the name of, but which is doing well, so I thought I would get another one like it. I am not buying plants with delicate dainty leaves that are fragile looking. I've learned my lesson with those.

Then the Exfactor came and straightened out the cable for the television in the shortest amount of time and it was actually quite simple. He had 3 mugs of coffee and took his Joe Barr comic strips with him that were still laying here in a box. Slowly but surely he is moving his belongings out of the spare bedroom.

Well, that was my update for today. Now I must take my painful toe and walk the Überhund and then do nothing for the rest of the evening. I will put my pajamas on and my bathrobe and veg out.

Have a great evening.

Ciao...