Buddha himself...

Buddha himself couldn't have felt more at peace with the world than I do now and feel such inner happiness. Okay, I'm exaggerating. I'm sure I haven't quite reached those spiritual heights, but I do feel good. I'm quite contended with myself and the world I live in and there's not very much I could complain about right now and if I did, I'd be a fool. I realize that this is a mood and that like all moods it has a beginning and an ending, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as it lasts. I don't want anyone coming along and messing with it.

My SPN and I went to the meeting with my contact person at Social Services today and the thumb screws weren't put on me to get me out there and get to work as quickly as possible, as a matter of fact, I'm now released from renewing my status as a work seeker every three months in order to keep my right to my monthly allowance. That means that nobody can force me to take a job or make me look for one, nor do I have to do any volunteer work. I'm completely released from that pressure. All I have to do is follow my therapy with my SPN, take my medication, see my psychiatrist and get better.

It was a good thing that my SPN was with me, because it gave a lot of clarity by her asking all the right questions and providing background information. I was overwhelmed by the conversation and had to digest it all when we left there, and then acted silly in the car to get rid of the tension. My SPN is so absolutely cool.

That's why I am in such an excellent mood, because I feel like the weight of the world has fallen off my shoulders and I can breathe freely again. A lot of my anxiety is gone. I'd been struggling with that portion of my life for a long time. I felt so very much beholden to the system.

Well, I'm sure I'll find something else to feel anxious about. It is after all in the nature of the beast, but it will not be continually, it will only be sometimes. That's another thing I'm learning. Feelings are temporary conditions, they come and go. You don't get stuck in them. They are very fleeting, and another thing I'm learning is that you always return to your center of gravity where there is rest and peace. You don't have to be all over the place, going from one emotion to another. Sometimes there is just wellbeing. A lot of times, maybe.

I've just had my third and last cup of coffee for today . It tasted very nice and was worth the long wait, but I must say that I did not crave it all day long. There was no great longing for caffeine. This new medication seems to take care of all sorts of cravings. It's a very soothing medicine. It makes you feel very calm. I've never had that happen with a medicine before.

I've got to go walk Tyke before it's completely dark outside.

Have a happy evening!

Ciao,
Nora

Post-short sleep.

I talked to my therapist over the phone yesterday and she really wanted me to come to our appointment at 9 o'clock this morning, because she thought it was important that we talk about things. She said, "Just set you alarm on your mobile phone and it will wake you up." So okay, I looked up the alarm clock function and set it for 7 am, picked a nice tune and everything and that was it.

I woke up at 4:30 this morning to go to the bathroom and wasn't done sleeping at all, but when I got back into bed, I started worrying about the alarm going off and if I set it right and if I would hear it, because I was so sleepy that I would not wake up on my own and I would sleep until the late hours of the morning. Finally, I was too concerned to sleep and half awake I got up out of bed and went to the kitchen to make myself a mug of coffee, which I thought would help me chase the sleep from my mind.

Well, it did a little bit, but then I turned on the computer and having your brain put to work always takes care of whatever cobwebs there are left in your head and I properly woke up. I spent my time emailing and after that I took my medicines and got dressed, after careful consideration, and took Tyke for a walk. We went the long way, because we had time, and I figured the fresh air would do me good, because I was starting to cave in a little bit.

I had one more cup of coffee when we got home and then it was time for me to leave. I walked over there and actually felt quite tired and I was just at the point that I was not quite staggering down the sidewalk. On top of that, I had a sore toe from having worn my hiking boots and it made me walk a bit funny. I need to not wear those hiking boots anymore, but give them to the second hand clothing store and buy myself a new pair when my toe heals.

Anuway, I got to my therapist's office almost too late and I ran into her while she was looking for me. Luckily, she saw right away that I needed a cup of coffee and had one for me within half a minute. She's a very good therapist.

Amongst other things, we have made a plan for Friday afternoon, when I have to go see my contact person at the Social Security Offices. I am meeting my therapist at her office and we are going over there together and she is going into the interview with me as a back up and a helper. She will help me get some points across and help me ask questions and answer them also. It was her idea, because I'm always having to do everything by myself, and she wants me to get the experience over and done with, because it has been postponed so many times. The deal is, that afterwards I have to take the bus home by myself, because she wants me to do something that requires some independence and assertive action. I can't argue with that.

Then I walked all the way home, feeling a bit uplifted, but still with a sore toe, and I was planning on taking a nap when I got there. Tyke was beside his usual self when I walked in the door and he had been as good as gold. I think all he does is wait for me to get home while I'm gone and he waits to be naughty until I'm back.

I was having a glass of cold milk and a couple of teaspoons of Nutella, when the intercom rang. It was the Exfactor who had himself walked all the way from the station with a sore knee. He has hurt it in the motorcycle accident he had last year and now it is a knee that keeps bothering him. There's some damage to the cartilage, I think. He had brought two semolina puddings with berry sauce for me. I said, "You have to take those home. I don't eat those anymore." He looked very disappointed, so I accepted them. He's always bringing me fattening foods. I'm sure there is a deeper psychological reason for that. I don't have to eat them, of course.

So we had our regular political and sociological discussion and we talked about the animals, but we always do really well when we discuss politics. We solve a lot of problems and they ought to let us sit in parlement. We would know what to do and I'm sure we would have everything straightened out in no time. If only they made me prime minister for a year or two. I would be a firm ruler. I'd push all my measures through with an iron fist. They'd call me Iron Nora. Ha! If only it were that simple. I'd run a one woman show.

The Exfactor stayed for three cups of coffee, which I thought was very nice of him and which I know comes with his realization that I need the company and the conversation. I'm short on both and I need to do something about that. Wanted: smokers who drink coffee and like to discuss politics and animals. If only these were the times of the brown cafés. Those were the days. Coffee, cigarettes, newspapers, good conversations, long afternoons. I'm living my middle age in the wrong era. I'm ripe for -isms and I don't know where they are.

After the Exfactor left, I took the dog for another walk and we ran into another little dog that was very much interested in a more extended meeting, but his owner didn't have the patience, much to Tykes disappointment. He likes all dogs and is so happy to see one. He wants to run after them and follow them home to play with. He also likes kids a lot and when we pass the school, and it is playtime, he won't leave the fence. He stands there until at least some kids come up to it and pet him through the rails and then I can't get him away from there, except to drag him by his leash. I feel like a real bully then.

I have to do my income taxes for 2009. It's not going to be too complicated and I can do it on line. I just have to fill in some numbers that I have at hand, but I'm putting it off. Anything to do with taxes causes aggrevation, don't you think? I's not like I'm going to get money back. That would be a big surprise. It's just the darn officialness of it, though the tax people try to be as accessable as they can be. They are extremely helpful on the phone and very efficient. I had to pay for 2008, because I was married for part of that year, though not as much as I had feared. Let's hope 2009 goes better. As far as I know, I was poor enough.

I'm having a good day so far, No sorry mood has gotten a hold of me yet. I haven't had my nap yet, but it may still happen. There have been no potholes in the road.

Have a good day. It rained during the night, but it's been dry all day and now I have to see if the laundry is dry.

Ciao,
Nora

Whichever way the wind blows.

It should have been a day like any other, but it wasn't. I didn't start the day out right, in that I did not feel good when I got up. I did not feel my normal cheerful self and after I walked the dog and ate my breakfast, I went to bed and slept a few more hours, thereby missing my appointment with my psychiatrist, which was not good, of course. I had called in sick. In reality I had a case of agoraphobia, which did not bide well for tomorrow when I had an appointment with my contact person at Social Services and already that was hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles.

After I got up from my extra sleep, I did not feel better, but very nervous and stressed and I decided to call my psychiatrist and fess up my lie and ask him for help with my appointment for the coming day. He thought my agoraphobia might be a result of my decreasing my medication. I told him about the great problem that I had with going to Socials Services and asked him to call my contact person and explain my situation to him and luckily he agreed to do that. He called me back a while later and said that he had taken care of it and that I didn't have to go in tomorrow.

This should have brought me relief to no end, but I could not shake the feeling that there was something very wrong and that the sword of Damocles still hung over my head. I had taken a Temazepam to take care of my nerves, but it only seemed to help partially and I don't want to take another one, because they make me feel groggy. I don't like that drugged feeling unless there is no other solution.

I find myself in a position that I'm highly uncomfortable with what I'm sharing of myself with the world, as if it is going to be used against me. I'm suspicious of what each and everyone of you will do with the information you read here, that's why I'm writing it down with the least amount of emotion. I'm also still afraid to go out the door and it was quite a battle to finally go and take the dog out. I don't know what is out there that scares me so, but there you have it. I'm highly uncomfortable being here by myself and having nobody else here. I feel very vulnerable, as if I'm open to attack from unknown sources that lie in wait for me around the corner somewhere. I feel very vulnerable, that's the main issue.

My psychiatrist said to try and increase my medication with half a tablet, so as not to get the erosion of feelings again. I'm going to try that in a little while. I hope it will do some good, because the way I feel now is no good. I harbor all sorts of suspicious feelings about all sorts of people. I'm second guessing their motivations. That's what's making me feel so scared. I don't feel safe in this world anymore and I don't know when the feeling will disappear. I'm still sane enough to doubt my feelings, but soon I will start believing them, like I already believe some of them, and then I'll be far from home.

I needed to go to the tobacco shop, but was afraid to go, so now I have to use the can of tobacco crumbs that I have saved up. I don't care, as long as I can make cigarettes. Tomorrow morning my sister and I will go grocery shopping and then I will buy tobacco.

I just took my medication including half a tablet of antipsychotics and we will soon see what happens. Like I said, they dissolve on your tongue and enter your system quickly, so I should notice something soon.

I did manage to sweep the living room floor and to mop it. I did the hard parts on my knees, where the dirt was very stubborn. That was in the places where furniture had stood. I have to do the kitchen floor tomorrow and do the bathroom floor as well. I don't enjoy these jobs as they give me a backache, but once they are done there is a bit of satisfaction, especially when I got a bad spot out. I don't care much about the apartment, but I'm going through the motions of getting it clean before Christmas. It's all such a bother and I hardly care, but I feel I must make it look good for company. My older sister and my niece and her husband and daughter are supposed to come down here for the holidays, so I better have the place look good. Joost is coming after Christmas.

I feel I can't write with the least amount of excitement. I may as well be a brain dead sack of potatoes sitting here behind the keyboard. Sometimes I just want to give up and not do it any longer. You know, participate in life. It seems like too much work and I don't get anywhere. I'm tired of the ups and downs and the bad luck. I can try and be Pollyanna and see the bright side, but I can't keep that up forever. Right now I just feel worn out. I couldn't even change a light bulb today. I couldn't get the darn thing screwed in.

The antipsychotic is working now. I may as well take the other half too. I don't see much sense in just taking half a tablet. It seems like it wouldn't be enough. Yes, I'm a stubborn patient. I don't believe in suffering. I guess I believe in throwing caution to the wind.

Well, that's enough of this pathetically written post. It's one big lament, isn't it? Allow me to have one of those too. I don't know what else to do with myself. I can't tell it to the animals. I really need a good therapy session or a slap up the head.

Ciao,
Nora

Slightly funky!

I'm feeling slightly funky, as if I'm a diva wearing a new costume and I need to go out on the town and show myself to as many admiring people as I can and have them trip all over themselves as they try to get as close to me as possible, while they bask in the glory that is me, the queen of the night. Oh hallelujah, wouldn't it be great? The other option is that I sit here and bask in my own limelight that is the desk lamp and enjoy my own good company and keep the secret of my greatness to myself and don't divulge a word of it to the world at large, but only to you, dear readers, who will keep the secret with me and not call the paparazzi for whatever amount of money.

A woman of a certain age needs her dreams and wants to pretend she's like Bette Midler and quite glamorous from the top of her head down to her very toes. Or she could even be as ageless as Cher and be in a permanent state of undress and still not look naked. Either way, right now I need to think that I'm a diva and that I'm sitting here in my diva clothes with my cigarette in a fashionable holder, drinking a very dry martini from a delicately cut glass and I'm about to have the night of my life. What I actually do, once my soap bell has been busted, is irrelevant, because I can make this moment last forever. I'll pretend I'm between engagements now.

Instead of having that dry martini, I'm having a cup of coffee and it tastes mighty fine too. That must be because I'm drinking it from a mug that came all the way from Italy. It gives it something extra. A Mediterranean flavor. I could be drinking it from a mug all the way from Japan, but it is in the dirty dishes and divas don't do dishes. At least not at this time of the day. This is when they have their fantasies. I'd like to pretend, by the way, that I'm wearing fish net stockings and long black high heeled boots, or do you think that's too vulgar?

This morning, after I braved the cold in my regular clothes without a jacket on and hung up the laundry to dry outside, I got on my bike and rode it through the snowy, slushy streets to the little post office. There I mailed the ten books and bought stamps for inside the country, for inside Europe and for outside Europe. The cost of sending the books and the cost of the stamps took almost all the cash I had left in my wallet and left me with one Euro and some change to buy filter tubes with. I considered myself very lucky, because it would have been highly embarrassing to stand there without enough money.

When I got home, I called my contact person at Social Services to find out if there was a special reason why my money was not yet in my bank account and he said that, no, there was no reason at all, I had not done anything wrong, and it should show up any minute. That was a relief, because I thought maybe I was being penalized for not keeping my appointment with him and changing it to a later date. You never know how these government agencies work. There are all sorts of mysterious rules.

Then I opened the blue envelope from the Tax Office and saw the amount of income tax they wanted me to pay for 2008 and I thought, "I don't have that money!" So, I got on the phone and talked to a very nice woman who said that they would give me 6 weeks plus 4 months to pay off the amount. That was not as reasonable as I had hoped, but it was something anyway and I will just have to live on bread and water for that time.

I checked my bank account again and saw that the money was there, so I immediately paid some bills, including the one for the taxes. I hate to have that hanging over my head. I'd rather know how poor I am at the beginning of the coming month, so I know what I can spend at the store. There's no sense in hanging on to money that really isn't yours anyway. It just gives you a false sense of security. While I was hanging out in my bank account on line, my balance suddenly got higher and that was because my rent and health insurance subsidies came in and I was happy to see that my health insurance subsidy had increased, because my insurance had gotten more expensive too. Sometimes things do actually work well. I keep looking at the bright side of things. Miss Pollyanna I am. I see a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.

Time to file the paperwork in a three ring binder that's getting awfully full and that will need replacing with a new one. Or rather, I will have to start a new one in January and get new tab sheets and start filing things for 2010. Everybody is increasing their rates and nobody asks you if you can afford it. All the extra costs get passed on to the customers and we gleefully sit by and watch and can't do a thing about it.

Of course, if I were a true diva, I would have a financial manager who would make a mess of things and leave me broke with himself with a large bank account on the Bahamas. This diva is managing her own small fortune herself. It is a little bitty mini fortune, courtesy of the state.

There's a time to be sad and worried and there's a time to not give a hoot and right now I don't care. I'm not going to worry about a bloody thing and just pull up my shoulders and say, "So what?" You can run around in circles and try to get it all right and perfect and the way everybody wants it to be and after that you just have to walk away from it and say you've done your best. And blow many raspberries!

Where was I going with this fantasy anyway? I think I need to blow some new soap bubbles. I think as an encore I will sweep the living room floor, because there are a few drifts of dog hair floating around. I hope I can manage that in my high heeled boots. I may have to get out of these drag queen clothes and put on something sensible and middle aged. Socks and slippers, for instance. That's okay, I was having a bad hair day anyway from wearing that woolly hat all the time. You can't go out on the town when your hair is statically electrified to your head.

In the meantime, I've got to find some work to do. I need to be sensibly occupied. I'm sure if I look around here, I will find a job or two to do. There no shortage of cleaning up to do. There is a shortage of bright light, what with all the energy saving bulbs. I must find a solution for that. Maybe buy bigger bulbs. It does make things a little dim in here and I may miss some of the dirt. Other people would wait for daylight, but I must find something to pour my spare energy into and I'm not going to the disco, I don't think they're open on a Monday night.

It never did rain today and the snow is still here and now the prediction for rain that was up there earlier for tomorrow is gone. Now we have no clouds and moonshine. I wonder how my laundry is doing outside. I may have to bring it inside if my other laundry on the drying rack is dry. At least that will be a job I can do. Oh good! Never did a housewife get so excited about laundry, but that is because it means clean clothes for me to wear and I'm all for having a large choice of them.

Right, this diva is returning to her regular housewife status, but don't think I'm really a regular housewife, because I'm not. I'm wearing Turkish pants and how many housewives do you know outside Turkey who do? It's been a treat to pass the time with you, but I really must go do something sensible now. I only wish it weren't so cold and dark by the clothesline.

Have a good evening, do all the things I would do and then some.

Ciao,
Nora

Wednesday late at night.

I just woke up from a long nap on the sofa. I slept for two and a half hours, so that is really more than a nap. That is a state of comatose existence. I woke up because the dog needed to go out. The poor dog who I took to the vet today and who turned out to be sick and got an antibiotic shot and antibiotic pills for 6 days. He's got a bacterial infection and was running a fever. I just gave him his first pills hidden in a slice of salami and that worked well.

I slept well last night, except that I had to get up when the dog had to go out urgently. He was making a lot of noise so I would wake up. Still, he had an accident in the spare bedroom, but I went straight back to sleep after that and woke up to the alarm clock and very grumpily made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the sofa and tried to wake up. That took me about an hour of drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. Then I quickly got up and got ready and walked the poor dog, who was in not such good shape and I resolved to take him to the vet at 1 pm.

First I had to go to my last Wednesday class and that was a little bit hard. Some of the people there I'm going to see again at the SPC, but others I may never see again and it was tough to say goodbye to them. You almost can't allow yourself to get sentimental about it, no matter how much you like them, because you know you can't form lasting attachments in that world. It's rare if you do. In the end we all go our own way. I wanted to get closer to some of the people, but everybody has their little privacy wall up and keeps their private world separated from the clinical world. There's one woman there I like so much and she is such a great artist and I really am going to miss seeing her, but she had her privacy wall up very much. I hope I run into her again. I hope she knows what a great artist she is. I think she doesn't realize it, although I always let her know.

People had brought things to eat with them for by the coffee and I had a piece of apple cake, but there was much more, which I couldn't eat, of course. There were even Negro kisses, which is a round wafer cookie, topped by a white mousse, covered in dark chocolate. I think we're not supposed to call them Negro kisses anymore, because it's not politically correct, but I don't know what they are called now. Nothing derogatory was ever meant by it. It was just an innocent name, but alas...

I brought all my artwork home with me rolled up in a tube and I have to have a good look at it and decide if any of it is worth keeping. Some things may be worth framing, but not all of it. Some of it is just plain silliness and can go. I wasn't always serious about what I was doing there. Some things were just experiments.

The shot of antibiotics seems to have done the dog a lot of good. He has done nothing but sleep all afternoon, except for the times I've let him out. He even ate most of a white bread sandwich. The vet said that he was probably feeling sick to his stomach and that is why his appetite was down. He is drinking a lot of water, so that is good. He is not dehydrating. When the dog is sick, it brings out all of my maternal feelings and I get very motherly. I'm overly concerned about him and watch him like a hawk. It's just like having a sick child and only the best is good enough for him.

He just ate 150 grams of some very good dog food and he ate it with pleasure. I think that is good enough for now. It means he's feeling better.

In the meantime, I'm sitting here enjoying the late hours of the night again. I don't have to get up early in the morning. I have an appointment with Social Services at 1 pm and I'm not looking forward to it very much. They'll want to know what I'm doing in my life and if I'm ready to be reintegrated. Obviously I'm not and I have to let them know that in a half hour appointment and that is causing me to feel some stress, although I have to say that my case manager there is a reasonable man and has been very kind in the past. I have to assume that the appointment will go well and all I have to do is tell the truth without embellishing. Still, I worry, because I don't know how well I can represent my own case. I suppose a certain amount of worrying is normal, because it will help me prepare myself for it. There's a fine line between worrying and feeling anxious, though. Feeling over anxious.

Right, I think I had better go to bed now. I will take my medicines and have something to eat and put my pajamas on.

I hope you all have a good night's sleep and a good morning. It never did rain here like it was supposed to.

Ciao,
Nora

I can do anything...

I slept for such a long time last night. First I fell asleep on the sofa, then I sort of woke up and very drowsily took my medicines and changed into my pajamas. I got into bed and tried to read my book, but it was impossible and instead I went straight to sleep again. The alarm clock woke me at 7 am, otherwise I would still be asleep, I think.

I was going to make a new work of art for the Art Exchange last night, but instead I looked through the work that I already had done and found the perfect thing for it. It's an acrylic painting on watercolor paper and it will do just fine. I just have to get a large enough envelope to send it in today. I'm assuming I can buy those at Action, so I will go over there this morning. Doubtlessly, I will see other things I like very much there and I'll have to contain myself and not go into a shopping frenzy.

I have an appointment with my SPN this afternoon and that really breaks up the day, so that I feel that I can't get anything serious started. This makes me feel anxious, as though I'm running behind and have to try and get caught up with myself, though why I feel that way is kind of a mystery and I think it is just free floating anxiety that I have to try and get over, if not by myself, then with the help of a pill. Yeah, that's a good idea. When anxious, take a pill.

No, really, when anxious, slow down and take a good look at everything and re-evaluate the whole situation and reconsider what you're getting anxious about and then try to find out if it's worth it. If any of these things that you are stressing about are the cause of your anxiety attack, then they need to be eliminated as quickly as possible from the list of causes and relegated to a lesser position of importance in your life. And you need to ask for help from people around you who can help you lighten whatever load you think you are carrying around with you. That's the way it works.

So, I need to get back to three basic things this week. My appointment with my SPN, my appointment with Social Services on Thursday, and getting the apartment cleaned up for J's visit this weekend. That's more then enough to worry about right now. That's about all I can handle, really. I worry about getting the apartment cleaned up. That always seems to be the hardest job and the one I have the most trouble with. Next week I'll mail the art project and start work on the story that I'm committed to write for an on line magazine. I'll tell you more about that soon.

There, that takes care of that.

For reasons that anyone is on a white bread diet, the dog is on a white bread diet right now, so I make him meat sandwiches with it. Luckily, he likes them very much if I hand feed him and it fills him up well enough. He is very satisfied afterwards and shows no interest whatsoever in his regular food, so I'll not feed him that for a while until things get back to normal. He had an accident in the living room last night and was very embarrassed about it. I did not make any big deal out of it but just cleaned it up. The poor dog can't help it. That's why I bought those loaves of bread on sale. They are always handy to have around. I just took him out a while ago and the problem hasn't resolved itself yet, so more sandwiches it is. I think it's because he ate something off the street and what it was is a mystery to me. It was gone in a flash. He is a scavenger. An opportunity eater.

I did end up taking two extra Oxazepams and they are working now and have quieted me down quite a bit, although I did of course organize my own head better before that. I appreciate the calm feeling I get from the pills and the fact that I don't have to fight my emotions as hard. It's like moving from a storm at sea into calm waters and I am so glad that I have the pills to take, although I do appreciate the fact that you have to solve the problem and not ignore it by taking pills that cover up your feelings. I think I've faced the problems and figured out what was wrong and got my head straight about that.

The one silver lining in the clouds is the visit from J. which I am looking forward to very much. Also because it is making me clean up the apartment, although I dislike doing it, but otherwise it wouldn't get done and I would sit in the mess forever. This visit from him is a great motivator to get it done and I will feel good about it afterwards. Since most of the mess is from the animals, I am seriously considering not having any animals again after these are gone. I think that 80% if not more of the cleaning that I do involves the messes from the animals, the dust, the dirt, the hair...I've never had such a hard time keeping a place clean. So, when these animals are gone, there will be no new animals to take their place. At the most, I will have one cat, if at all. I can't allow myself to get sentimental about it either. The fact is that I can't keep up with the housework and when I look at the dirt, I see it's from the animals.

Right, that's another decision made.

I guess I'm getting to the point where I'm getting my priorities in order. Both the present ones and the future ones. That's because I'm living less with my head in the clouds and more with both feet on the ground and am facing reality more and my own ability to deal with things. The truth is, that I have a limited stamina and a low threshold for stress and I must be careful not to take on too much responsibility yet unawares I do, because I don't pay attention to what I can handle. I get excited about things and attached or enthused without thinking about the longer term consequences for myself. And then I never get around to facing the reality of the situation and let myself get snowed under, all the while avoiding looking the issue straight in the face and acknowledging the problems I have with it.

I did say yesterday that I didn't want to get serious this week, but I can't make good on my promise. I have to get serious today. I found myself in a pickle and I had to talk myself through it and out of it. I feel much better now and able to face the things that require my immediate attention.

Laundry! That is it to start with and it's not raining, so it can dry outside. That's very appealing, although it's supposed to rain again tomorrow, oh, such doom sayers.

Right, I'll get to work then and start the job of getting things in order. I see some dirt I have to tackle on my knees, no less. I requires some scrubbing. And then there are all the dusty surfaces to wipe clean. Hurray!

Have a good day. I hope yours involves doing many fun things.

Ciao,
Nora

Thursday early in the morning.

I was so tired after a, for me, intensive day yesterday, that I went to sleep at 9 pm, even after I had taken a nap on the sofa in the late afternoon and slept through the alarm clock at 6 pm, which is amazing with its incessant beeping. Since it was in the bedroom, it did lower the impact of the sound somewhat, yet normally I can hear it very well, but obviously I was in a coma and oblivious of everything. It was Jesker who woke me up eventually, because he needed to go out and was making very urgent noises right by my ear.

I did manage to make it to creative therapy and worked on my fantasy pen and ink drawing, which really is nothing special at all and I think I am just wasting my time on it and it is going to end up rolled up on top of my closet and never see the light of day again. That's not because I'm down on myself, but because I absolutely don't like what I'm doing and am just filling up my time. I only have one more class to go to on Wednesday next week and that is it.

I did get the proper form to request an intake for the SPC and mailed it to my SPN so she can fill it out and get the ball rolling on that process, It shouldn't take long. Mostly it's a question of formalities, which is good, because I got a letter with an appointment in the mail yesterday from Social Services to talk about my situation and where I stand in the reintegration process. I think that's just a formality too, as I think it's been a year since I was there last. They probably want to make sure I'm still as nuts as ever.

In the afternoon it started to rain again, so I had to wait for it to stop until I could run my errands, because I was not about to get soaked on my bike. Finally, at 2:30, it stopped raining and I took all the books that had to be mailed and went to the little post office first, where the damage to my wallet was not as bad as it could have been, so I heaved a sigh of relief.

Then I did my grocery shopping, in the most economical fashion, and I really took my time and compared prices, because I was buying things I normally don't buy and I was also trying to buy enough groceries to last me for a week. It's fun to buy new items and comparison shop and see how much difference there is in price and the assumed quality of the product, which can never be bad if you shop at a good supermarket. They've got they're reputation at stake, after all. I do buy the store brand if I can.

When I got that done and had filled the bike bags and the shopping bag, I stopped by the tobacco shop for my weekly supply of tobacco and got home just in time before the next shower hit. It's more fun to put the groceries away when you have new items and it is especially fun when you have three animals helping you. They always assume that I've brought home stuff for them and they assume right. I always give them something to eat, even if I already had that in the cupboards, because they don't know the difference. The dog always gets a bone and the cats get fresh kibbles. It's a ritual.

In an effort to eat healthier, and to lose weight, I had decided that I didn't want to live on porridge anymore, although I love the stuff and can eat mountains of it. That's just the problem. I had bought very thin sliced black rye bread and light mayonnaise and three kinds of luncheon meats. I have discovered that I can eat one slice of rye bread with two slices of luncheon meat at the time, and that I can eat another one an hour later. And I am satisfied then. I started off with salami and it was so good. It was the best thing I've tasted in a long time and it was nice to chew my food for a change. I have to chew it well, keeping in mind my gastric band, but all goes well and one slice is just enough. Rye bread is high in vitamin B, iron, zinc, potassium, magnesium, fiber and calcium. So that and drinking low fat milk and multi vitamin fruit juice should keep me in good shape. I have to lose 12 kilos, believe it or not. That's what eating all that porridge did for me. That's 26 pounds. Picture that in your head.

Well, anyway, I'm going back to bed for just a little while to sleeps some more. I think it's too early to be up already. I've taken my medicines and the start of the day can wait for a bit. I've got a better thing to do.

Have a good morning you all.

Ciao,
Nora

My third one...

I'm sitting here with my third cup of coffee. I had the first one to wake up properly with and to pet Jesker with, who could not get enough of that and kept nudging his nose against my hand every time I stopped. I had to switch hands every once in a while due to petting fatigue.

I had my second cup of coffee while I checked my emails and read some blogs. Didn't you know there are always blogs to read? At any time, somewhere, someone in the world is posting their blog. That doesn't seem like a very good sentence, but I don't know what's wrong with it.

That's why I need the third cup of coffee and my medicines, of course. I must not forget them. I have to be able to think straight. Before you know it, I'll be tripping out and not making sense at all any more.

I hope I'm not the only one who has moments of complete dementia when I think my brain has entered a new dimension, where everything is slightly askew and no thought is in its proper place. You know those times, when you think you make complete sense for the moment, only to find out later that you've been blathering like a drunk or someone on drugs. Well, ha ha, I am on drugs, aren't I?

I'm supposed to be at creative therapy now, but for some reason, I could not get out of my pajamas and dressed. The whole thing seemed like too much work to me. I was completely unexcited about going. Now, I realize that when you have a real job, you can't do that, but I figured I could get away with it this time. It's a little bit of moral disobedience on my part and I'm not even going to lie about the reason why I didn't show up when asked about it this week. Sometimes I just don't want to do what I'm supposed to do and as I said one time before, I think I'm getting therapy fatigue. The thrill about going has worn off and now it is just another thing I have to do. I don't see it as useful anymore, even if it is still. I just don't see it.

Well, I'm so flabbergasted by that implication that I don't know what to write anymore and I've been sitting here for 30 minutes wasting my time doing nothing. I downloaded a new wallpaper and made some cigarettes, so I guess I did do something, but I didn't write and my coffee has gotten cold.

If I don't go to therapy, I need something else to fill my time. Although right now I think housecleaning and reading would be enough, which I now don't have enough time and energy for. I don't think Social Services would just let me stay home and will want me to do volunteer work. I will do that as long as it's not too complicated. Mmm...things to ponder.

I have much thinking to do. My official date to discuss the end of my therapy is in September, but that seems like a long way off. I must discuss this with my therapist. who I don't see until August 11th. I think an email is in order.

Right, it is time to get dressed and walk Jesker who has been patiently waiting. I am unsettled and want to make a decision.

Ciao...

Being assertive...

Well, up at 7 am, woken by the alarm clock out of a deep sleep, I sort of stumbled out of bed, knowing it was important to do so, but more than willing to sleep some more, but I made it to the kitchen to make a mug of strong coffee and set myself down on the sofa with Jesker between my knees and proceeded to pet him while I attempted to wake up.

Jesker was very demanding, wanting to be petted no matter what position he was in, standing up, sitting down, laying down and standing up again and no cat was allowed to come near. I guess he felt like we had to do a lot of bonding, but finally he'd had enough and went to sleep

I made myself a second mug of coffee and drew out the waking up process to the last minute and then got the show on the road in a hurry. Luckily, my hair is always in relatively good shape, so I don't have to mess with it much and I wear minimum make up and have it on in no time. I scrub my face first with pure olive soap and it makes my skin soft and don't apply anything to it in the summer time. No foundation, I mean, for the color. I just go rosy cheeked like apples.

I got to therapy with ten minutes to spare and then hardly anyone was there and I had time to drink a whole cup of coffee and smoke two cigarettes while we waited for the stragglers to get there, who came in at various intervals.

We had a heavy duty session and it seemed that everybody had something very important to discuss and get help with, including me, but everybody got input from the group and there was much concern and indignation and compassion and advice for everybody. Sometimes everyone of us takes on the role of therapist and gives advice, guided and led along the right path by the real therapist so we don't screw it up, but we do give our honest opinions.

When I said, "Is this it for me? Is this all I am going to be doing, making sure I stay in a stable middle of the road place without suffering from these terrible ups and downs?" The therapist said, "Oh no, that is just you applying your safety net, it is not who you are, it is going to allow you to be who you are, which is an intelligent, talented and creative woman." She said that everybody required structure and predictability to some extent to help them be who they could be and I had to work on that extra hard to make sure I always had it as a safety net.

So that made it a lot clearer to me and I know better what to do now, I understand it better now and see my abilities and under which conditions they will thrive and I am to an extent the mistress of that. I have to build in structure and predictability every day of my life.

This was my food for thought for today and tomorrow and the days after. I have to give it a place and apply it to my life. Learn to do that anyway. It's not a message I'm just going to brush aside or say that I understand it and then not give another thought to it.

Anyway, Jesker and Gandhi were in their usual spot behind the front door when I got home, and Jesker pushes Gandhi out of the way and tries to make sure that he gets all the attention, but Gandhi just slips around him and gets it anyway. I do have two hands, after all. Jesker is not that smart.

I had to send my registration to the Center for Work and Income, even though I don't have to apply for a job, I do need to be registered in order to receive my monthly allowance. It's very important that I do this every four months and I always have it written in my agenda with the paperwork by it. Jesker and I walked to the mailbox in the heat and made a circle back home again so he could sniff in some different spots for a change. This is always very exciting to him and he lifts his leg all over the place, marking his territory.

I was expecting the "cleaning person" and hadn't done a thing and didn't give a hoot. It wasn't his regular day to come and I thought it was too hot to do anything and I was not about to apologize for the way things looked. I figured he could come in for a cold drink and then leave again.

So, that is how I handled it. I told him what I did do, what I didn't do, how I didn't stick to the schedule and that I liked to figure it out on my own and offered him a cold glass of juice and then he left and next week the "cleaning woman" will be back from her vacation and we'll see what happens then. I couldn't care less. I just don't take it seriously anymore.

I just realized that I'm becoming uncomfortable revealing intimate bits of information about myself and that I want to censor what is written here and I am dubious as to what to do. I think I will let it stand for now, because I've written it down already, but I'm going to be more careful in the future. I think I will not be so specific from now on. Generalize things a little bit more.

Oh, something I don't need to generalize about is my weight, I weigh 92.4 kilos and that means I have lost 7.5 kilos or 16.5 lbs.. Yes, kudos, thank you! This is such a safe subject to talk about.

I'm going to watch the news and eat a tin of mackerel or a salami sandwich. I have to think about it. Choices!

I hope you all had a nice day and that you're not sweltering in the heat too much.

Ciao...

And the winner is...

Well, the poll is officially closed now and The Finely Tuned Woman has won with 11 votes, so that is who I am going to be from now on. My public has spoken and so it shall be, you made no bones about it, although there were some votes for the Idiosyncratic Watermelon. I think some people just wanted to be ornery. Or they just liked watermelon a lot.

The fact that The Finely Tuned Woman has a TV tuner laying beside her on the sofa was something that only caught my attention after I had posted the image, but I must have subconsciously registered that. It made for another perfection in the picture. The dog is actually barking at a bird in a birdcage, but I cropped the picture, so you can't see that.

But I am well pleased with the outcome of the poll and I thank you for your participation in it and for being patient with me in what actually turned out to be 2 polls. We made it in the end, though, and that's what counts.

I broke my computer reading glasses and put on my regular glasses and realized how much better I see overall and I have decided to just start wearing them again and not worry about my vanity so much anymore. They work for behind the computer and for faraway, so they solve two problems. That's because I am near sighted in one eye and far sighted in the other. I think I may have to go to Specsavers and have my eyes checked again, because one eye is just a little bit off. That is because I was having thyroid problems when I had these glasses made.

Isn't vanity a funny thing. I do my very best to look at my most advantageous, yet all day long I haven't worn any make up and I didn't really care about it. I don't think I look that much worse without it. It is mostly just a compulsion on my part, because I have worn make up my whole life and can't imagine going out in a public place without eyelashes with mascara on them, because they are so blond. I feel naked without mascara and vulnerable. I should really do a test and go without make up when I go places.

Speaking of vanity, I got this really nice award from Debs over at The Lehners in France and it is an international friendship award. I feel quite honored to have received it.

I am supposed to hand it over to international friends and, of course, I have no shortage of them, but if you don't mind, I will do that tomorrow when I am in the mood for all that copying and pasting. It is kind of late to do that now.

I have written my Christmas cards, although I did cut down the list quite a bit and did not include anyone of the Exfactor's family and friends, because I don't have their addresses. The Exfactor always did those. I wrote notes for those that needed them. I am only sending 20 cards right now, but will probably send more as cards come in that I have to respond to. I wrote cards until all of them were gone and I had the most important ones done.

Then there was this huge thick envelope from Social Services and I looked at it since yesterday with some amount of trepidation, because I thought something very complicated and nasty was going to be in it, but when I finally opened it tonight it turned out to be an offer for health insurance for low income people at a very reasonable rate with all sorts of things included. Well, I looked at it and for me the offer turned out not to be so good and the rate was higher than what I am paying now, so I'm not going to change health insurance companies. So, that turned out to be a popcorn fart. I breathed a sigh of relief.

My sister and I walked the dogs for a long walk at noon time. Her dog is only allowed on a very short leash and has to walk right beside her and is not allowed to sniff and explore, whereas I give the Überhund lots of space to roam all over the sidewalk. I can't imagine that my sister's dog enjoys his walk very much and I don't see the purpose in it very much. I always think it's the Überhund's outing and he has to have all the fun when we go. I know my sister silently disapproves of my attitude, while I silently disapprove of hers.

Well, it's time to go to bed and take my medicines and shut the apartment up for the night. I hope you all had a good day and that you all will have a good night.

Ciao...

Sleeping...

I am getting better at sleeping every night. This morning I slept until 8:30 and I did a double take when I looked at my watch. I could not believe that I had slept that late and at first I thought I was late for something and several options ran through my mind, but then I realized it was Tuesday and I could relax. I have no appointments today and no classes.

Boy, going to creative therapy sure changed my outlook on life drastically. It was so good to be there and hang out with everybody and talk nonsense and laugh and just be a human being again. I served as a better pick me up than any pill could. It was especially nice when one of the other women and I talked dirty on purpose out loud and got all the guys laughing. I'll call her G and G and I are both the same age and sophisticated enough to know better, but we sure like to get down and dirty sometimes, causing us to have great hilarity. I am always glad that somebody catches on to my sense of humor.

So, it was good. I got some work done and I had some fun and I had my social interaction and it was all very nourishing. I felt satiated when I went home and the rest of my day was nice as a result. I knew ahead of time that that's what I needed and I made special effort to enjoy the morning and it worked.

When I got home, I was greeted by a very enthused Überhund and I took him for a walk right away. It had been trash day and here and there bits of trash were laying around and he thought that was just for him to forage in. I pulled him away from it with a lot of effort, but still he managed to get some edible bits in of I don't know what. He's quick and sneaky and can pull hard at the leash with all of his weight. I have one of those roll out leashes, so usually he is way at the outer end of it. He always has to have the idea that he is leading the pack, the pack being me.

I spent a pleasant afternoon doing odd jobs around the place, including administration and being very happy that there was so little of it. Just something very simple that requires me to make some photocopies and a chance to get 100 Euros back from Social Services for expenses made for the Internet connection. Also, this month, I get to pick up 20 free trash bags which normally cost 1 Euro a piece. They are special ones to encourage people to cut back on redundant waste material. Their color is called aubergine. Isn't that classy? The trash men will only pick up bags in this color.

The Exfactor came over on his way back from work to his house and had a quick cup of coffee or two. He was here on an errand and could only stay for a little while, but he was happy to see me in a much better mood. I think he really takes it to heart when I am not cheerful. He is always the same. Always full of stories about his job and the things that happen there and how he feels about them. He is mostly a cheerful person, even when things don't go well. That's why it is so hard to pin him down on what is happening with his emotions. He hides them very well behind other issues.

The Überhund is becoming more laconic about the Exfactor. He used to just go crazy when the Exfactor came over, but now he reacts less over enthused and goes to sleep again after the initial greeting. I was hoping that his allegiance would switch to me, as I am to be the most important person in his life, and I am glad that this is happening now. I do know that the Überhund listens to me better and that I have more leverage with him. I suppose that's because my approach is different and now that the Exfactor is gone, I get a chance to put it into practice. I very much want the Überhund to be focused on me and nobody else, so that he will pay attention to me and know what I want from him under any given circumstance.

I spent the rest of the evening behind the computer. It is nice when I don't have to cook dinner for anyone and all I have to do is walk the Überhund on time. People ask me why I don't fix dinner for myself, but that would mean fixing half a potato and two bites of vegetables. Maybe 2 Brussels sprouts or 2 carrots. I usually have a bowl of muesli with low fat milk and the muesli has apple and raisins in it. I rely on the vitamin pills to give me all the stuff I need.

As of last night, I am all caught up on reading all the blogs that I do. I didn't mind being alone and I didn't feel lonely. I was too busy for that. I think if you can build up a day that has a few highlights to look back on, it helps to get through the rest of the day, even if you have to do that on your own. You need an opportunity to expose some emotions, hopefully the positive ones; that can go either way. I chose to laugh, I just as easily could have started off crying. It could have gone both ways early on. My tears were close enough to the surface.

Thank goodness there are some people who feel good enough to grab you by your sense of humor and shake you a bit. However silly it gets. And thank goodness that you have enough sense to go along with that and not fumble the ball. It would be so easy to give into to those feelings of despair and let the whole huge mountain of it slide over you.

Now, I am not saying that I am always going to be able to do this. I don't know what sort of hole I am going to find myself in in the future. I agree that there are holes that you just don't easily climb out off and circumstances beyond your control can dictate that. My life is fairly uncomplicated, when you stop and think about it, but you do have to realize that I purposely made it that way. I have avoided many entanglements and many complicated situations on purpose. I do know where my limits lie.

I try not to get too involved with the lives of other people. I know that if I do, I don't take the necessary distance that is required for me to stay healthy and that I will become overly involved emotionally and that I will pay a price for it. So, I have learned to keep a distance and act a little bit uninterested, as if I don't care that much, but I do that on purpose. Things go badly for me when I start to care too much. I become very unbalanced and it is hard for me to keep my emotions under control. It is like being on a roller coaster without having any of the fun.

You can see how through a number of incredible events in a short amount of time, a person can become very fragile and much more unbalanced than she was before. Some people become very strong, and I thought initially that I was too, but I had the wrong impression. I pushed beyond the limits and events overtook me and mowed me down. It took a very long time for me to get up again and I have never recovered from the damage. Sure, I am a whole person again, but I am forever changed. I am as different now as if I had experienced a rebirth. I am still learning to figure out what this person is all about. How I function and how I dysfunction. I do feel that I can never do anything spontaneously anymore. I do regret that.

Well, you see how I fall into self analysis again. Or self reflection in my ego document. Writing this down is like talking to a therapist. Seeing the words so solidly written down and knowing them to be truthful makes me more sure of myself. It takes a load off my mind and makes me want to try harder.

I do have to stop writing, though, as other things require my attention. The day is already slipping by and I haven't done much with it yet. I do somehow have to make a dent in it.

I hope you all have a terrific day.

Ciao...

Comment Downpour.

Whenever I write a post about my life, no matter how complicated I think it gets, I always get a downpour of positive comments and I consider myself so fortunate and so much loved that it is hard for me to explain how much it means to me all.

You let yourself talk about your most intimate feelings and that is good, even self indulgent, but sometime later you think about how it will be perceived by the people who read your blog and when they will run out of patience with you and come back with a snide remark, and you know that will hurt you, but you will also think that you deserve it for being self centered.

Therefor, my good people, I am ever so grateful for your patience and kind and encouraging words and for showing me the relativity of it all and for not letting me make a mountain out of a molehill. I could be writing into a void and only hearing the echo of my own voice, but thanks to all of you, I hear many voices. My gratitude for that.

I had a very short night, as I was woken up by some cats who were fooling around with some blinds in plastic cases that were standing in the corner of the hallway. Of course, they fell over with a lot of racket and cats fleeing in different directions and the Überhund getting upset. These blinds should have been taken to the dump a long time ago, but never were, so I'll have to place them somewhere else. It's bound to happen again.

The problem is, that once I am awake, I am so happy to be awake, that I want to stay that way, so I do everything I can to assure that I do. I turn on the computer and make myself a mug of coffee and turn on the music on the iTunes Player and light a cigarette. Then I go and find some activity to do on Facebook, for example. Something active that gets my braincells firing. I remember my father getting up stealthily in the middle of the night, so he could be busy very quietly in his workshop. He didn't want to waste any time sleeping either. Of course, my father went quite mad in the end...

I am not allowed to do any voluntary work or to follow any course without the explicit permission of Social Services. Anything I take on must be approved by them. Since they have promised to put me on a trajectory to get me back into the workforce, I have not heard another word about this. I was supposed to see one of their psychologists and be evaluated, but nothing is happening yet. I have been warned by everyone to let sleeping dogs lie and not take any initiative myself on this. It is more important that I stay in the current therapies as long as possible and to not rock the boat. My exemption from work ends officially on January the 5th, but I will be unable to do anything unless they have put me through the whole trajectory. The ball is in their court, as they say.

I think it is just awful that I can't go to the Random Word Generator and go look for new names. I feel very frustrated about that, it's like a piece of my happiness has been taken away. And then there was the joy of finding the right images.

Oh yes. I am forgetting the other stuff, aren't I? The crazy making bit. I am like an alcoholic thirsting for a drink.

It's storming so very hard outside, the rain is being whipped against the windows.

So long, dear people, I hope you have a bit of sunshine in your life now. Or a beautiful moon shining down on you,

Mwah...

Another day, but not another dollar...

Actually, that isn't quite true. I got my specification in the mail from Social Services today and they are really and truly giving me my complete welfare payment this month. I was shocked and looked at the figure several times to make sure I wasn't hallucinating or reading it wrong, but no, it really says that I'm getting it, so maybe things are looking up for me for a change. It would be so wonderful if for a few months everything would go without a hitch. I have become so used to hitches, that I am afraid to open the mailbox for fear of what bad news it will bring me. Now, at least Social Services seems all straightened out. I just need the Tax Offices to come to their senses now. Hopefully they will see the error of their ways quickly too.

Again, for the umpteenth day in a row, I have hardly done anything, but I must add that I did hardly anything in a much better frame of mind and I am much less disconnected and absentminded and removed from reality, so the extra dose of Risperdal is working and that was a good move on the part of my SPN, because I would not have thought of it myself.

Because she is going to come and visit me on Monday, I have designated tomorrow as housecleaning day and I will really go to town then and have this place sparkle, ahum...let me not exaggerate that. It will be picked up and semi clean and if you want to you can try and eat of the floors, but I would not recommend it. I am not washing the windows, for instance, that would be silly and give a wrong representation of myself.

I have hung up the icon and feel very virtuous now. Mary's eyes follow me all around the room and keep check on everything I do. I have to be good for her sake as she is holding a little adult looking version of Jesus. Two angels hover near her head, doubtlessly whispering virtuous messages into her ears. "You are holding the son of god, be good for goodness sake." Joseph is nowhere in the picture, he just played a supporting role.

I wonder about these nuns committing themselves as brides to Jesus and never knowing the pleasures of the flesh. Were they unfulfilled as women, although I could live as a nun now, but I am 54 and past menopause. Obviously, they never felt the need to beautify themselves and to only be another identically clad member of their order.

That reminds me, when I was dressed in my rock and roll clothes the other day, and tripping down the sidewalk downtown, I crossed glances with a nun and she gave me a big smile. I wonder what she was thinking? There but for the grace of God go I, oh, you misguided woman, you? I do have a soft spot for nuns, because I can never decide if they are misguided or heavenly inspired and tougher than us. If they have a serenity that we will never achieve?

I told the Exfactor that he should be glad that he lives in a nunnery, because all of his ghosts that will come to haunt him will be kind and holy and watch out over him. I wonder how they feel about sex, though? Maybe they'll toss one of the commandments at him on a stone slate. Maybe I should pray to the icon and light a candle there. Does Mary listen to heathens?

Well, one thing there is no shortage of around here is blasphemy in the most respectful way. The Dutch think they are the lost tribe of Israël.

I bought myself 3 pairs of leggings today, as I have come to enjoy wearing them better than my jeans and I do like wearing skirts and dresses. I like the thick cotton leggings the best, as they keep me warmest, but you can layer them also, a thin pair under a thicker pair with warm socks. I bought a bright blue wooden bead necklace for 6 euros and I'm wearing it now and it is very cheerful. One of my necklaces broke, but I am an optimist and consider myself lucky in that all my necklaces break while I'm at home, so I haven't lost one yet. Knock on wood.

It is strictly forbidden to smoke in the train station and you can get a fine, but last night, I and 2 other women did just that when our train was delayed by 10 minutes and we were bored waiting. The platform was nearly deserted and we saw no one official looking and took a chance. I was going to speak English if they caught me and plead ignorance.

One time I smoked in the ladies toilet when I was at the airport in Amsterdam, that's how badly I needed a cigarette. Damned the fine. Café owners are letting their patrons light up inside and then en mass call the cops, who then as a result become so overwhelmed with work that they can't go to all the cafés to enforce the new law. There is anarchy in the country about this. The law will falter and become history. You can't tell a Dutchman what he can't do. Coffee shop owners were told that their patrons couldn't smoke their hash on the premises and that they had to stand on the sidewalk, which caused a problem, so the police sent them back inside.

A government led by Christian Democrats is not a free government, but a government that wants to tell you what's good for you.

Don't get me started...the socialist in me gets very frustrated. I just received a book in the mail from my political party called 'Modern Socialism' and I will be reading that carefully.

Now it's time for me to take the Überhund for his walk and get some fresh air, although it will be cold air. Never mind. I'll put on layers and not suffer.

Ciao....

A Popcorn Fart

The hearing about my missing welfare payment turned out to be such a popcorn fart, meaning it had very little air and no power. The two people I faced, and who had to make a report about the hearing, had my complete dossier in front of them and I had documented everything so well, that there was really nothing much for me to add verbally and I could only fall into repetition and reiterate and say what I had already said on paper. The only difference was that they got to see me in person now and saw that I was a civilized human being who was not trying to pull a fast one and who was most sincere in her efforts to get some justice done.

Anyway, following the hearing a report will be made and I will get the final decision in a few days, but I am not holding my breath, because they have the law and the rules on their side, all I have is a plea for compassion and understanding. I am dealing with the middle mote bureaucrats here. The people in gray suits who are dull and never smile and merely put in their hours from 9 to 5. I am nobody special to them, although I try to leave a permanent impression on their minds.

I wore my rocker clothes, my leggings and my lace up boots and a very colorful tunic with a yellow long sleeved stretch T-shirt underneath and my brown leather jacket and my hairdo was perfect. When they came to pick me up from the reception area, there was some confusion on their part as to whom they were really looking for, because they weren't expecting it to be me. I am sure they were expecting a dull middle aged housewife with a perm. Surprise showed on their faces when it turned out to be me they were looking for. I like that. Never fit into the dull expectations that others will have of you.

I was in and out of there in no time and I felt that I had gone on a badly defined mission. It took me longer to get there by bike than to do the hearing. I very leisurely peddled home again to wait for the plumber to rectify the situation with the hot water heater, but he has not called me all day and I have seen no sign of him. I will call again tomorrow morning and make it a point to stay home and ask him pretty please to come over, because it is becoming a problem to do without hot water. I also have to stay home for the pick up service that is going to pick up a package of clothing I am sending back. They were supposed to be here on Saturday, but showed up on Monday, when I was gone and I found a note in my mailbox stating that they would be here tomorrow between noon and 5 PM. That's about as specific as it gets.

I piddled around and accomplished hardly anything. I keep checking my bank account for the subsidy money, but it is not here yet. I did manage to do some grocery shopping with what cash I still had and it was time too, because I was completely out of milk and decaf and those are my two staples. Then a delivery man came and delivered the cat food and Toby almost climbed into the bag when I opened it. He was that hungry and luckily, he liked it, because it is a different brand than they usually get. The cats can be so picky, but they have to eat what's there. As long as the Überhund doesn't eat it, we stay with what I have ordered for them now.

I managed to get another nap in, much to the Überhund's disgust, because he was planning on going for a walk, but I was not capable of it. I had to have some shut eye. I love laying down on the sofa and folding my hands on my chest and drifting off into a sound sleep. It is so refreshing and when I wake up, I am like a reborn person. I get up and am ready for the next round.

This solitary life I lead is so healing to me. I treasure my alone time and rarely feel lonely and how could I, when I am constantly in touch with people from all over the world? With a little bit of imagination, I picture all of you in your lives, carrying on with your every day living and your every day ups and downs. It is all fascinating to me. Luckily, I do see real people also, it isn't only imaginative people I talk too. No, I don't mean you are all imaginative, that is not what I mean, I mean I have to use my imagination a lot to picture the places where you live and the lives you live them in.

The most exciting times for me are the weekends, because I really feel that they are mini vacations. I really feel that I am taking a breather and can put off worrying for two whole days. Not that I am constantly worrying during the week, but I do more of it then. I really think that Sunday is a sacred day and I am glad we leave that day alone here in the Netherlands and close up everything except for the cafés and the restaurants. You should see how little traffic there is in the streets. It is a big relief.

So, I will not go to any of my therapy groups tomorrow, but stay home and wait for various people to show up and frankly, I don't mind, because I've got some work to do around this place. Taking naps does cut into my work availability. I must vacuum instead of just walking by and gathering up bunches of dog hair by hand. I am like a reaper. I have to get down on my knees and mop some well trodden areas of the floor. Scrub them, actually. You can see how the animals walk a track through the living room from the hall way. It gets especially messy by the kitchen where their food bowls are, no matter how often I mop that area. I think it is all a secret plot to keep me busy and they quietly rub in the dirt.

The Exfactor is moving again. The house he is living in is being sold. He is moving into a cloisters that has a kitchen and a wet room and a bathroom and 3 good sized rooms downstairs and 10 bedrooms upstairs. He will be living downstairs and keeping the upstairs safe in a care keeper capacity. The rent is incredibly cheap and all inclusive, which means that from now on he has to officially pay alimony. Social Services has arranged that. It makes no difference for me, because I will just get less money from Social Services. They just make up the difference.

Anyway, the Exfactor should be staying in the cloisters for about a year, giving him ample time to look around for something more permanent. He doesn't want to place himself on the urgency list, because then he has to accept whatever sort of housing they offer him and it could be in any sort of neighborhood and maybe ten floors up in an apartment building. If he refuses them, he goes to the bottom of the list.

You should hear the Überhund snore and you know, it doesn't bother me the way it does if a husband were to snore like that. I find it rather comforting.

I bought some peanut butter today and in a little while I am going to have a slice of bread with peanut butter. I am looking forward to it already.

Right, that's all the rambling I've got for today, so I wish you all a good day or a happy evening, whichever time zone you are in.

Ciao...

Trying hard.

I have been trying very hard to get caught up on everybody's posts through the Google reader, but it seems to be an impossible task that I can never finish and every time I go to read some more, more posts have been added and I do feel ever so overwhelmed, so if you don't find a comment from me, it is either because I have not read you yet, or I have read you, but I did not have the time or energy to comment. I do get so discouraged by it.

There is of course the very distinct possibility that I read to many blogs, but I can not make a choice between which I should stop reading, because I think they all require my interest and curiosity. They all have something to add. I try to stay loyal to the oldest ones, but get side tracked by newer ones, and there is just no end to my list of reading.

On top of that, I have a tendency to get very sleepy when I sit behind the PC reading blogs and I have to watch out that I don't fall out of my chair in a semi coma. Not because the material is dull, but because I'm prone to take naps during the day and my body wants me to move to the sofa for a nice lie down. Another sleep inducing element is the Überhund who snores right by my feet and who makes you want to curl up and sleep too.

I have changed clothes three times today, because I could not get happy with what I was wearing. It either was too cold or too bright or to revealing, until I found the perfect outfit which is just right in all areas, I will try and take a picture of it later so you can see it and I will post it here, if my arm is long enough to show you enough of it.

I am so vain now, that the main subject of my photo taking is me. I try to take pictures of myself at the cutest angles with the nicest smile. You should see all the pictures I delete in which I look like the wicked witch of the east, was it the east? Anyway, they are the ones that are most unflattering, in which all my features come together as being those of a woman whose face was put together under most unfortunate circumstances. I am sort of like Lady Di, I am not really good looking, but on some occasions, I give the appearance of.

My sister is back from her trip to Greece and I saw her just as she came home and her suitcase was laying half unpacked on the living room floor. She said she had mixed feelings about going on the trip by herself and would go on an organized trip the next time. I am sure I will get to hear the whole story some time next week when she has a spare moment.

Her dog was very happy to see her and did not move from her side and wherever she sat down, he laid down and rested his head on her feet and sort of mumbled with happiness. He expressed his happiness more than the children did. That's what dogs are really good at, unconditional love.

I am cooking rice in bouillon for the dog and me and I added a bunch of different spices to go with it to give it some special flavor. I am going for as much eastern flavor as I can and I hope it turns out okay. I can't add meat and I don't have any vegetables in the house, so it is just rice. I could have added fried eggs, but the last egg I have is a fossil and very badly needs to be tossed out.

Somehow I need to expand the variety of foods that I eat and that I can share with the dog if it turns out to be too much for me to eat. I need to take my time one of these days and walk through the store leisurely and see what sort of things I can come up with. It has to be all vegetarian and the vegetables have to be very soft. Onions would do and canned tomato chunks. I am getting pretty tired of eating the same things every day and I want some changes in my diet. If I base it on rice, that would be good, because rice is easy to digest.

They sell good ragouts at the store that I could mix with rice and they sell ready made Indonesian rice. That may all be worth a try. I must have a closer inspection of these things.

Thank goodness tomorrow is creative therapy, I do look forward to that so much. Nothing nicer than spending the whole morning being artistically challenged. In the afternoon, I and the ergo therapist have an appointment with my SPN to see how things are going and the option of me taking extra classes is going to be discussed then also. I know my SPN is trying to get me ready for the real world and I think my ergo therapist wants me to do a bit more therapy.

In the end, it all depends on what the expectations of social services are of me. I see people in therapy on disability incomes who are not worse of than I am mentally and I do have a double diagnosis and it is still unknown how well I will perform in the real world. I do fine in a safe and sheltered and predictable environment, but how will I handle the pressures of a job? That seems like an unreal and unimaginable situation to me and I don't know how to prepare myself for it.

The rice was very good. Both the Überhund and I enjoyed it very much and it is all gone and it had a very nice flavor, so I blended the spices well. No doubt he'll have to go for a walk next to unload all that food.

Well, those are all the kindly and good words I had to direct to you today. Oh yes, I didn't tell you about those forms I was upset about and now I don't feel like it. I will tell you tomorrow. I am less upset about them now, after the explanation of the Exfactor.

I hope you all paid attention to my profile picture, because I am about to change it again, I think.

Ciao...

A Tough Broad.

During my evaluation yesterday afternoon, I got such good feedback and compliments. As a matter of fact, I really need to stop and think good and hard about the things that were said to me and really let them sink in, because it is too easy to not pay attention to any of it and to totally disregard it. I think I was already starting to do that and that is like boycotting yourself.

The most important thing that I learned about myself is, that I can go astray emotionally, but as soon as I realize that I am, I immediately correct myself and take the necessary steps to get myself back on the right track again.

That's a very good thing to know about myself. That means I can trust myself to look after myself and that I do a good job of it. Who wouldn't you like to trust better than yourself?

It's very important that I know this with my whole being and never forget it. Amen.

The tax subsidy situation was cleared up very quickly and easily. I am going to get the first 4 months of subsidy deposited in my account now and the remaining 2 months will follow when it is time. That makes sense, because the bills for September have already been paid and soon I'll be paying those for October. By that time, I'll have the money. I do have to say one thing about the Tax Office, they are slow but accurate.

I made my way to Social Services by bike in the early morning cold and met my case manager for the first time face to face. He turned out to be a very nice young man who was truly apologetic about what had happened and wanted nothing more than rectify the whole situation. I think he needed to meet me in person to see what I was all about and visa versa.

Anyway, he gave me an advance in cash and told me he would also work out the proper amount owed and deposit that in my account without waiting for the accounting department to do their slow job and that he would see to it personally that the information in the system would be changed. I am going to trust that he will do that and I made clear to him that I depend on him to.

I had a good feeling when I left there and I assume all will be in order now, but, of course, I won't know until I get next month's specification. He may be a very nice young man, but still not do his job right.

It has probably escaped your attention that I have been a bit hypo manic lately. I don't know if any of that comes across in my blog or if you just see it as ordinary enthusiasm. There were warning signs here, within myself, but to me the one that stood out was me taking the tough broad role to such an extreme. I was pretty sure that I was starting to get carried away with that one and I wasn't sure where I would end up and then there was the spending pattern, which I am too embarrassed to talk about.

So, before I did anything yesterday, I called my psychiatrist for advice on his mobile phone and we increased my anti-psychotic medication by 2 mg. I should be calming down within a couple of days.

There is a fine line between being an assertive person and being a tough broad and maybe you can work out for yourself where the difference lies. I still want to be a tough broad, but in the responsible, assertive way. Not in the "I'll waltz over everybody" way.

I bought three little plants yesterday and put them all in one big black pot, so it looks like one big plant. I forgot to ask the sales lady what kind of plant it is, so now I must be a sleuth and find out.

Well, that wasn't hard at all. The plant is an Aglaonema Romeo, well suited for low light and low humidity. That's good to know, that means I can forget to water them every once in a while. The lady in the shop said to water them once a week, I guess I don't need to drench them. I hope they are as easy as my fig plant, which I throw water on whenever I think of it and it thrives.

Well, enough of this already. Time to get the show on the road. I must vacuum again and do laundry. Oh, joy.

Be good for goodness sake.

Ciao...

A leather one.

It was my intention, yesterday morning, to go to those second hand clothing stores to look for a leather jacket and with that thought in mind, I hopped on the bus and took it downtown and got off at the market square. Once there, I started to walk in the direction I thought the second hand clothing stores were in, but then I thought that I might as well check out my favorite regular clothing store to see if they had any leather jackets and to see what the prices were. After all, I had no idea what those things cost and what would be a fair price for one second hand.

So, I changed direction and went to M&S Fashion and once there walked all the way to the back of the store were the jackets were and they had leather jackets alright. A whole selection to choose from and the prices were very reasonable. I tried on a couple, but came back to the one I tried on first which was on sale at 20% off. It was the one I liked best. It had a zipper opening and 4 smaller zippers on the front and it was waist length. I didn't need to think about it very much and I whipped out my credit card and bought it and wore it out of the store.

I felt like a real tough broad walking there with my boots and jacket on and I called the Exfactor to see if he was at work so I could go over and have a coffee there. I walked into that place as if I owned it and the Exfactor said that all I needed now was a Harley. This was a underhanded compliment, because he can't stand Harleys, but the secretary thought I looked great and commented on my weight loss. Apparently my face has gotten a lot thinner.

I had one cup of coffee and was out of there and walked through town to the bus station, wanting to try out my new image on the unsuspecting public. Well, let's face it, I didn't cause any sort of an uproar and nobody fell of their bike or anything. To the public, I was just an ordinary hip woman walking by, like there are so many of them. No big deal, really, but it was to me. I like wearing these clothes and I feel good in them.

When I got home, I had to walk the Überhund and he doesn't give a darn what I look like, so that was no problem. When we got back to the apartment, I had to do the dull ordinary cleaning stuff, so I had had my moment in the spotlight.

Then the mail came and let me tell you, it was a moment to hit the roof or go through it, because Social Services again sent me a specification that they were not going to give me any money this month, calculated on completely false information, the correct gist of which I had sent them 3 times already, so I called my case manager very angrily and asked him if they had all gone crazy there? He was almost speechless, because he realized a mistake had been made, but how to set it right?

To make a long story short, I am going over there this morning to get an advance on my monthly payment and the rest will be sorted out as quickly as possible. I am so disgusted, I hardly want to talk about it.

I also got a letter in the mail from the tax people asking me formally in which bank account the rent subsidy must be deposited, but when I looked at the total amount, I figured out that it was only for 4 months and not for 6 months the way it is supposed to be. So, I will have to make a phone call about that this morning.

Can you imagine how worried and discouraged I get? When you yourself do your best to do everything by the rules and then other people come along and rip the whole thing apart?

Oh, I am not going to waste anymore words on this. I am so full of frustration.

In the meantime, I am sitting here early in the morning with the Überhund at my feet, bound and determined to try and make this a day that will have a happy ending.

This afternoon I have an evaluation meeting with the therapy team of the therapy groups I am in. The head of the department will be there also, as will the assistents. I am looking forward to that, because that can only be a positive experience. Here is a group of people that has my best interest at heart and who want what is best for me. It's such a contradiction with what I experience in the other areas of my life and amazing that these things happen simultaneously.

Well, you know, I will stop writing now and hope I can be a little bit more upbeat the next time around. Argh!

Ciao...