Another cup of coffee...

I realize that I've got to make some more coffee if I want to feel at all better than I do now. It will be a last ditch effort. It is the only thing I know to do that I think will help. It is either that, or crawl back into bed. I'm not exactly in the mood for that because it is too early in the day for a nap. I've got to find another way to cheer up.

I woke up this morning with a headache and pain in my neck and shoulders, so that was not a good beginning to the day. I also felt very stressed and my thoughts raced through my mind almost from the minute I got up. They jumped from one subject to the other at amazing speeds. I don't know what to blame that on.

I seemed to do a bit better after I took my medicines but that may have all been in my magination. I don't think I have really improved that much. I'm a bit calmer now maybe. 

I have to try and find the magic formula to peacefulness. I know that I am capable of this because I have felt it in the past. It may have been quite by chance that I felt it but I know it exists. If I do everything just right, maybe I will feel it again. Writing these thoughts down helps a lot too. 

Sometimes I find it very difficult to be me, especially when I can't find my peace and quiet. When they are so elusive that I'm left with nothing but free floating anxiety. 

I've had my first cup of coffee and I feel somwhat better now. I suppose that was a good choice then. It's straightening out my head to some extend. 

I was supposed to do some paperwork today that I have been putting off and have not yet found the right moment for. It's not very complicated but does require me to pay attention and it is a responsible job. I can't do it when I'm stressed. It literally makes me sick just thinking about it. I will put it off until this weekend when I will feel less pressure on me. 

Yesterday, as if by some miracle, I started reading a book. It is one I got for Christmas on the workings of the brain. I hope it keeps continuing to capture me and that I will finish it. So far it is interesting but I won't be able to concentrate on it if I feel this amount of stress. I will make myself sit down and try to read it again today for about an hour. Anything to do with the brain is fascinating to me. 

First I will find some other relaxing activities to do behind the computer. The dog has stopped bothering me and has gone to sleep. I was waiting for that to happen. He's a little spoiled sometimes and won't eat his kibbles. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

Early on Wednesday morning...

I haven't slept much yet, but have been up half the night, sitting behind the computer, eating slices of bread with peanut butter. Mmm, good. That's to compensate for the cigarettes I'm not smoking. The bread with peanut butter does give me a feeling of satisfaction for a long time and I forget all about wanting to smoke. It takes the frustration out of me. 

Actually, I'm not having such a bad time because this is the second time I'm quitting in a very short time and I know what I'm doing. I've become a bit of a pro at quitting smoking. I know the pitfalls. 

The most important thing is to keep busy and to make sure there are not too many boring moments. It helps to sit behind the computer and to pretend I'm doing all sorts of interesting things. A lot of times I do, but sometimes I'm just sitting here day dreaming. As long as I keep my hand on the mouse it feels like I'm engaged in an activity. 

I'm going to call the hairdresser today because I've decided that I'm not going to let my hair grow long. It's at that very awkward stage now and I think I look ridiculous half of the time. I don't see much merit in letting it grow longer and having to sryle it the way it would look nice or how I would be happy with it. I want it all away from my face, so I may as well have it cut short again.

As it is now, I have to use a lot of hairspray and even then my hair doesn't stay in place. Hopefully I'll be able to get an appointment today. That's why I want to call over there first thing at 9 am. I assume someone will be there then. I'll be much happier with shorter hair. I just know it. And you know, once I get something in my head, it has to happen as soon as possible. 

I sure am a boring person without cigarettes. I'm like dull Jane sitting here behind the computer. I've even made more coffee to liven myself up with. Mostly I've been sitting here caught in thought and not even thinking anything of importance. I'm so easily distracted from what I'm doing. It's one way to spend the early morning hours. 

Every minute spent day dreaming is one in which I don't think about smoking. 

It's starting to get light out and the day will officially begin. If I'm smart, I will take the dog for a walk early. It will be good to get the first fresh air and to be out there before anybody else is.

Have yourself a wonderful day. 

Ciao,

Irene's Dutch Diva Blog

Keeping up the patter...

Today felt like a weekend day because that's how relaxed it was. I must be getting really good at enjoying the weekdays when I have no commitments. When there's nothing on the agenda but ordinary chores, I don't feel any sort of pressure at all and I'm the most relaxed person on the block. 

I hardly know what happened to the day, it sort of slipped through my fingers without me noticing it too much. Before I knew it, it was over and I didn't really have much to show for it. I was left with a pleasant enough feeling and I don't feel like I've wasted my time. Any day I end feeling satisfied can't be a wasted day.

That doesn't mean that I don't want any commitments because I do. I do want more activities to fill my days and I am in the process of arranging that now. My days are too empty and do have trouble filling them. I have too much spare time on my hands. I need to be more busy and be exposed to other people. I'm fully aware of that.

With the dose of optimism that I have now, I have no doubt that a lot of things are going to change over the year. I've had a good attitude change to start the year of with and I hope I can hang on to it. I try to reinforce it every day and learn something new as I go along. You're never too old to learn new lessons. I've had some real eye openers lately and even had one today that was a real Eureka moment. 

Sometimes it seems that I go through rapid learning cycles and I process a lot of new information in a relatively short amount of time. It's when my mind seems to be able to make and see connections that it didn't before and come to all sorts of logical conclusions. It's possible that I have an alertness then that's maybe not present at other times. I guess the trick is to be alert more often. 

I suppose I need to create those conditions in which I am most alert and sharp minded. One of those ways is to be exposed to other people and other ideas. I do need to be stimulated in my thought processes and to be challenged out of my comfort zone. I may be too complacent where I am and learn nothing new. Being in a different environment can be enough of a stimulus to get my interest going. 

That doesn't mean that I have to indiscriminately accept every idea I'm exposed to. I do have to pick and choose what I find acceptable. Sorting through all the incoming information will be enough of a lesson on its own.

This was my little share of wisdom for tonight. 

Ciao

Nora

In the evening...

There are whole periods of time when I forget about cigarettes and I don't think about them at all. When I'm so preoccupied that the fact that I used to smoke does not even register on my memory. It's very pleasant when it doesn't and kind of bothersome when I do remember it, although I think that I can easily forget cigarettes again if I can keep them off my mind for such a long time. I push the thought of them back into oblivion and concentrate on something else. Every time I do that successfully and manage to distract myself, I figure that I have the winning hand and that I will get better at not smoking with every day that passes, although right now I'm happy with every hour of the day that I pass without smoking.

I divide my day up in sections and each section knows its difficult time that I have to get through and somehow I find a way to cope with it. I find that keeping my mind occupied is a very good way to deal with the desire to smoke, because one of the reasons I want to smoke is because I get bored and sit and stare at the walls. That's a definite thing not to do and I must always make sure that I'm actively engaged in something with my head. I must either be reading or blogging or emailing, if I'm not doing that, I lie in bed and listen to the radio and take a nap.

Another thing to do is chores, although I don't have that many, because the apartment seems to stay so clean and there's hardly anything to do. I'm a much neater person now that I don't spend so much of my time smoking and making a mess with my ashes and tobacco. I'm constantly picking up fuzzy bits and things from the carpet and putting them in the unused ashtray that's very clean. The desk and table surfaces aren't getting dirty. I don't waste half of my life inhaling smoke.

No, keeping my mind occupied is the best thing to do. It also helps if I drink coffee and you would think that the opposite would be true, but I find that it calms my mind and distracts me from wanting to have a cigarette. If I just sip coffee I do fine and feel no need to smoke.

I've been to bed, although it's not late at night yet, but I found it impossible to sleep. I was lying there with a crowded mind, thinking of a hundred things all at once and not being distracted by the radio enough. That's because it's Saturday night and sports are on and I'm not interested in sports persé. I don't care about the football matches and about handball and gymnastics on talk radio without the pictures. I can think of more exciting things to listen to. Surely there are more interesting discussions to be held than these sports reports.

There's a big difference in radio interviewers too. Some of them are very good and well informed and the discussions are very rewarding and informative. Some of them don't know what the heck they are talking about and don't take advantage of the knowledge of the person that sits across from them. It's very frustrating, because I'm talking back to the radio and saying, ask them this or that, please, that's what I want to know. A good interviewer does, a bad interviewer makes a mess of it. Sometimes the potentially interesting guest turns out to be very boring and shallow and is a lost cause, but the program needs to be filled with him anyway. Those are hard times.

Anyway, I was lying there thinking about a hundred different things and none of them were really important as they were all silly 'what if situations' that I imagined myself getting into and what I would do to get out of them. It was a case of doomsday thinking with one scenario being worse than the other and totally unnecessary to waste my time on.That's why I got up. It was useless to lie there and do it any longer. I had to stop that train of thought. It's a kind of obsessive way of thinking that gets a hold of you and you get deeper into it before you know it and start to think it is really pertinent to your life that you solve these problems that don't exist. I'm glad I'm now realizing that these are exercises in futility before they lead me down the road to madness too much. It's like seeing a murderer behind every tree and imagining what your tactic will be to deal with him when he decides to strike. Sometimes I have an overdose of imagination.

Tomorrow will be the true day of rest, if today already wasn't. Today was a rehearsal for tomorrow, let's put it that way. It will be the most quiet day of the week, although church bells will ring all day long, jubilantly. That's part of the Sunday pleasure, as long as you ignore the implications behind the ringing of the bells. It's all so tainted now, but probably has been for a long time. Still Sundays are sacred days and are the most peaceful days of the week and I do appreciate that. It's alright for the world to fall silent and for there not to be a rush on the stores and downtown, except to stroll through the nearly empty streets from one café to the other. It's a shame I don't have a partner anymore to do that with, husbands are good to have around to do those kinds of things with. Husbands do have their merits on occasion. If they are the least bit interesting and loyal.

I'm looking at the night ahead. It's nearly midnight now and I'll have to go to bed shortly. There's no other way about it, I must go to sleep. I'm full of life and not really ready to go to bed, but neither do I have a reason to stay up. I think I've read all the blogs there are to read and I've commented on them. There's no other recourse but to call it a night and hope that once I go to bed, I stay in bed and don't get it in my head to get up again in the middle of the night. I can always read my book now that I've put a light bulb into the lamp in the corner of the living room behind my other armchair and I can see what I'm doing. It does make a difference and makes the room so much brighter. That was a fairly simple solution.

Well, I'll try to see if there is any kind of other mischief I can get into before I crawl under the duvet. Doubtlessly there is something I can find to do for the next twenty minutes or so. I'm only postponing the inevitable.

Have a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

One more for the road.

I've just written a post, but I thought I would start writing another one and see where it would take me. In reality I'm just a bit bored and don't want to do any of the things that I could be doing, like the ironing. Besides, who wants to do the ironing with a sore thumb? I really could if I had to, but I don't know if I'm quite in the mood for it this time of the day. The afternoon is just about over and the news will be on in an hour. Of course, that's a perfect time to do the ironing, so I'm just making excuses. I'll tell you what. I'll do the ironing tomorrow when I don't have anything better to do. When I've run out of excuses.

With Tyke's help I managed to eat a small apple. Tyke had three bites and I had the rest, not counting the fact that I left a large core that I could have cut down some more. I didn't know dogs liked apples. I've never seen a dog eat one. Tyke looked for more when I had thrown the core in the trash. He looked mighty disappointed when he saw it was all gone. He does try to drink my coffee and my lemonade, so maybe he has strange tastes for a dog. The apple tasted good and my little stomach could just handle it. One bite more would have been too much, so it's a good thing that Tyke liked it too. I'm going to be living on apples for a while now.

I took Tyke for another walk, because he was begging for it. He was sitting in the arm chair and breathing down my neck again. I guess he's figured out that it's the best way to get my attention. He grumbles in my ear very gently and won't stop. That's his way of telling me that we really need to go now and that I need to get up off that chair. It's funny how he figures these things out on his own and the fact that he needs to "talk" to me to get me going. He's a pretty smart dog. On our walk we saw other dogs, but none of them came close enough for a proper greeting, so Tyke was very disappointed and sat on his rear end watching them disappear down the street. I always feel sorry for him when that happens. I want to call those dogs back to us and have them at least greet Tyke. Just to make him a little happy. I know, I'm an overprotective "mom."

I wear my sunglasses when I go outside and it's a bright day. I do it so I won't squint and get wrinkles by my eyes. So far I hardly have any and I want to keep it that way. I forget I have them on when I go back inside and wonder why I can't see a thing when I try to open my front door in the stairwell entry with my key. It slowly dawns on me that I'm wearing my sunglasses and that's why. I want to buy myself a really good pair, but I need to find a lost wallet with a lot of money in it first and borrow some. If there's no identification in it, I'm keeping it. I figure that's drugs money. Anyway, then I can get a decent pair of sunglasses instead of this pair from the lost and found at the film house. I want to look like a movie star too.

I'm a bit sleepy. Last night I went to bed at 8 pm and I woke up at nearly 4 am. I decided I wasn't quite awake enough yet and went back to bed at 6:30 am and slept until 8 am when the alarm clock awakened me. I'll go to bed early tonight too. It's so wonderful to sleep, especially now that I'm wearing some really comfortable pajamas and I like my present duvet cover. Tyke likes it too, because he sleeps on the bed with me every night. There's just enough room for the both of us. Tyke rolls himself into a ball and lies by my feet. It's a good way to wake up in the morning, to have your trusty four footer lying there.

When I don't feel well, I take naps during the day, but when my mood is good, I don't. I do get tired, though, and as soon as it starts to be evening, I look forward to going to bed. I think it also helps that I like my bedroom, although it needs work done on it. It needs new wallpaper and new curtains. Staying up all day and just participating in life, though, does tire me and I wonder how I would do with a busier schedule. I'm not afraid of one and would gladly participate in it if I knew I could handle it.

There seems to be a threshold that I can't cross right now, so I have to increase my activities within the possibilities that I have. Make longer walks with Tyke, do more with my personal helper, go out more on my own on small errands. These are conscious choices that I have to make and I really need to stop and think about them and put them into action. They're not huge changes, but big enough to shake me out of my complacency and make me more involved in life. I will check my bank account balance once again and tomorrow I will go buy a new bathroom scale. That will take me to a different shopping center where I haven't been in a long time. It will be good for me. It's a little thing, but it's a big deal for me.

I'm going to put on my pajamas and hang out in my bathrobe for a while. There's nothing but football or football related programs on my favorite channel. It does get tiresome after a while. As if there's no life besides football. Pretty soon the Tour de France starts. That's more interesting to me, because I like the scenery and the commentary. The scenery especially and I imagine being there. I've been in France, so some parts of it look familiar. I'd love to go back to Paris, but in September when there are less tourists there and go to all the museums and visit them properly. One day for each museum and then lots of strolling and coffees and cafes.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora

Yawning!

Although I'm sitting here with tears running down my face from all the yawning that I'm doing, I don't want the evening to end yet, because it is quite early still, so I have made myself a cup of coffee and I'm drinking that to keep myself going for a little while longer, although it's possible that it's not going to work at all and that I will be forced to go to bed anyway.

In the meantime I'm helping Gandhi escape from the enthusiasm of Tyke and getting her to jump on the dining table, where I had put a folded up blanket, which Tyke has pulled off and is now in the process of "killing." It is Jesker's old blanket, but I have a better one for Gandhi to lie on and we will get the better of Tyke yet. I do have to pick sides and Gandhi needs more help. Tyke is quite capable of looking after himself.

I was rudely interrupted while writing this by many emails that needed answering, and as usual I took my time doing that, so now it's much later and I've gotten my second wind. I'm suddenly awake again and ready for an intellectual challenge. I don't know if that includes writing this post, but I guess I can make it as challenging for myself as I want. Notwithstanding the fact that I'm typing this without the spell check and I can't use any really difficult words, because I would have to look them up in the dictionary and that would stop the natural flow of words.

I do try to write as quickly as the sentences enter my head and sometimes I'm on a roll, although I do have periods of non-activity when nothing comes and I'm distracted. I've been that way my whole life and it caused me some trouble in primary school when I was distracted a lot, in other words, I day dreamed and I still have the tendency to do that now. I call it constructive day dreaming, because I think of things that matter and come up with solutions to odd little problems I'm faced with. It seems that being occupied in one activity stimulates my brain to be active in other areas as well. I suppose I am a multiple use appliance, handy to have around the house.

I did my taxes this afternoon on line and it turned out to be quite painless, because part of the information was already filled in and what I had to fill in was very simple and each question that I had to answer came with an explanation so I would understand the question and if it applied to me. Luckily, my financial situation is very simple and clear cut. There were no complications. It's probably the easiest tax form that I ever filled out, because I was unmarried for all of last year. I'm going to remember how simple this was, so I won't procrastinate next year.

I had Iron Nora do the taxes, she's much more capable than I am and not the least bit intimidated. That woman is handy to have around and my blogging friend Babaloo reminded me to pull her out of the closet for jobs like this that are tougher than the ordinary daily tasks that I'm normally faced with, but I think I can pull her out of the closet whenever I get timid. I'm regularly intimidated by something and I can use a tough woman at moments like that. Especially now that I'm wearing cowboy boots that strengthen my image a great deal.

I have been wearing my brown leather jacket for warmth, but the weather is getting better now and I think I can start wearing my black leather jacket with the zippers and the buttons, which is very cool. It was the first leather jacket I bought and I felt like quite a hip chick when I wore it out of the store. I can wear my green scarf with it, which is an upgrade from the blue and black scarf I've been wearing with my brown leather jacket and that used to belong to my mother, so it is very old and it also needs to go into the laundry. The black leather jacket is best worn open, but it's not quite warm enough for that yet, although tomorrow it's going to be an incredible 17 degrees Celsius. That's practically balmy and real spring weather. I can hardly believe my eyes reading that forecast. I'll wear my jacket open with my green scarf around my neck.

I had three chores to do today and I did them all, except that I didn't quite finish the last one and then, as it got later in the day, I excused myself from that one and will add it to the chores I will have to do tomorrow. I will have to do three of them tomorrow and maybe four if I'm really gutsy and honest. I don't write them down, as I know exactly what they are and I don't forget them. They are lasered into my brain. Three chores aren't that many to remember. Carrying them out is, because I reach a certain time of the day when I excuse myself from doing work and I only get to play, as if I have a regular paid job.

Actually, my excuse is that I try to keep the stress out of my life, but I think I should test that theory and see if it still applies. If I start doing more than three chores, I will have to start making lists or make the stuff up as I go along. There are always things to do here. I will have must do and can do chores and do the must do chores first. I will have to forego some time on the computer, because it distracts me hugely and is always beckoning me to turn it on.

I reinstalled Windows Vista the other day, because it was acting funny, and as a result I got more space on my hard disk and it also kept all the things I had installed and downloaded myself, even though it said it would put those things separately on the hard disk. I did a complete reinstallment, not an upgrade. I thought it was wonderful and apparently it got rid of some unnecessary junk. Windows Vista is okay, but very often it is murmuring to itself, doing unknown things on line that aren't apparent and it has many updates. I don't know why such a big deal was made out of it. The email program is good, but it should be. Would you expect anything less?

It's late now and I should go to bed, but I'm enjoying myself here. I'll run out of things to do, though, and be forced to close shop. I'll go put the clean sheets on the bed. That was the part of the third job that I had not finished. I want to sleep in a clean, good smelling bed tonight. That will be a treat to me.

Goodnight, dear all. I'll see you all tomorrow, very late in the morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Not moving yet.

I find myself delaying moving from this chair until the Exfactor gets here. There's an unwillingness to get myself involved in my daily activities and I want to ignore all of them and pretend they don't exist. Just for now I can't handle facing them on my own and I need another body here to help soften the blow. I know what is ahead of me and I don't want to face it. Instead I sit here and find excuses not to move my butt and to smoke another cigarette and to have another cup of coffee. I know I can't endlessly delay the inevitable and I'm just buying myself time now, but it feels like a stay of execution and every minute counts as one more lived through without terror.

I didn't take my antipsychotic pill this morning and I don't feel bad for not having taken it. I don't miss not having taken it. I plan on taking 2 tonight instead of the 3 I take during the day. That will mean that I'm back to my original dose and my original schedule. They make you sleepy, so it's good to take them at night. The amount of anxiety I feel now is the same I've been feeling for these past few days and it is about the same things. Taking care of things that I'm afraid to face. That I think will overwhelm me and that I'm not capable of taking care of properly. I don't have enough faith in myself.

It is hard to live with the fact that I scare so easily. That I'm afraid to open an envelope of which I can anticipate the contents. I scare myself half to death with the very idea of what's inside it and am unwilling to open it to see the truth. Behind every formal piece of paper I see unkind bureaucrats who don't give a hoot about me and my fears and who only want me to produce the proper papers and answers to their questions or else... I feel the sword of Damocles hang over me.

So I postpone and buy myself time until the moment arrives that I can deal with it and right now I've decided that it is when the Exfactor is here so I won't be alone when I read what's expected of me. Being cowardly is a very tough thing to be, because it makes you dependent on other people and their kindness towards you. They can decide not to show up and not to be kind and helpful and you just have to hope for the best. You carefully balance all your well laid plans and schemes to get yourself through the coming days. There's always a tomorrow, but sometimes tomorrow is too late.

I wish I had courage and I do at times have great courage, but it seems to desert me now. I'm completely intimidated by my life. Or some of the aspects of it. The interference of it from the outside and the expectations of it from other people. But also the basic things such as taking care of details properly. Doing groceries should not be that hard, but to me it's like being asked to move a mountain. Getting dressed propperly should not be that difficult, but I find it a chore and one that I put off until there is no other choice. It confuses me to no end. Choosing what to wear is hard.

I want you to know that as I'm writing this, I'm completely in my right mind. I'm not panicking or running amok. I'm just clearly stating the facts. As a matter of fact, I'm very calm, but worn out from worrying. I just called the Exfactor to make sure he's going to be here and he is, so that's a relief. He said for me to start making a shopping list. I'm glad he's such a dependable person. I need about three of him in my life. I should have three husbands all living in their own houses, but all performing some task in my life, the least of which would be to provide me with love.

I'm going to clean up the kitchen now. It is a bit of a debacle, if a kitchen can be called that. It's for me to wonder how it gets that way. Mysteries to be solved, like the bathroom that is always in a state of disaster. Too many clothes and too many boots. Not enough organization.

Ciao,
Nora

Of thoughts and other things...

When I was asleep this morning, the doorbell rang and I went to answer it with my sleepy head, hair sticking up, in my pajamas. It was the maintenance man from the housing corporation who came to check the apartment for any repairs it might need. I was incoherent and he asked me if it was a bad time. I said, yes, it was, and asked him to come back later and he said he would come back in the afternoon and I went back to bed and slept another hour. I'm as cool as a cucumber, aren't I? Then I thought I had better get up and drink a slew of coffee so that I would be properly awake when he came back, because I also had to get dressed, of course, and walk the dog. I downed two cups of coffee and smoked a bunch of cigarettes and then I was ready to get the show on the road.

The dog and I made our longer walk, which is going to be our normal walk from now on, as it seems to be just the right distance for him to be able to handle with his old legs. He likes it very much, because there are very many interesting spots to sniff, many hedges and trees and bushes and walls. You do have to do an old dog a favor at his age. He has to lay claim to as much of the neighborhood as he can.

Just as we got back to the apartment, the Exfactor got there and came to have a cup of coffee, and right after he showed up, the maintenance man returned and put a new faucet over the kitchen sink. He said the one I had was leaking and I hadn't even noticed it. Maintenance men have special talents for these defects, they spot them quicker than the average housewife.

I discussed my growing nodules with the Exfactor and decided right then and there to call my GP and make an appointment. I'm going to see him Thursday afternoon. After I had done that and discussed it with the Exfactor, I became very anxious and worried, because it has been easier to ignore the problem and acknowledging it causes stress.

After the Exfactor left, I tried to call my hairdresser, but got a busy signal. An hour later I still got a busy signal, so I decided to walk over there and make an appointment. It turned out that someone there had not put the phone down properly and that's why I kept getting the busy signal. I made an appointment for Thursday morning. My hair will be very happy.

When I got home, my psychiatrist called and we made an appointment for me to see him next week. He is also sending a prescription for some new medication to the pharmacy. He has a very soft voice over the telephone, so I'm constantly saying, "Pardon?" I do have to point that out to him when I see him next.

I am now in the process of trying to get a hold of the woman who trims and bathes the dog, but I'm unsuccessful so far. I have two numbers for her, but I get no answer. The dog really needs a haircut and he really needs a bath.

So, it's been a crazy day, a very unsettled day, I guess, and I don't know what to make of it. I am ready for it to come to an end, I think, but it's awfully early still and not yet time to go to bed. I will get something to eat in a little while and watch the news and slowly start winding down, as I feel just a bit hyper at the moment and I feel that I have to relax and unwind. Here I'm going from almost no activity, to a lot of activity and it's taking its toll on me. I do feel physically tired, though, so that is good. I mean, I don't feel like changing the furniture around or changing my blog template. I'm too wiped out for that.

I have walked the dog, twice in an hour. The second time I don't know what was going on, but he insisted that he had to go out, although he walked very slowly and stumbled once. We did our little round and maybe he just wanted to go by his old spots.

Alright then, food it is and my pajamas on. Have a good evening, everyone.

Ciao,
Nora

In the middle of the night.

I went to bed at 10 pm and found myself awake again at 2:30 am. There was nothing to do but to get up and make myself a cup of coffee and turn on the computer and enjoy the extremely wee hours of the early morning. There is still snow outside, but it doesn't look as if more fell since last night, leaving us with a thin powdery layer that right now is getting frozen at -4C. I do so like being up at this hour of the night and try to think of all sorts of things I could do now that I'm up and feeling well, besides writing this post and reading the blogs that I'm behind on. There are still the floors to mop...

It's too bad that I can't change the living room around anymore. I've done all I can do there. There's not a piece of furniture that needs moving, nor a picture that needs rehanging. From this point forward it is only cleaning that I have left to do and that, of course, is much less fun. I'm waiting for a burst of energy to come along and make me grab a bucket of suds and get to scrubbing. I've just made myself a second cup of coffee, so with a little bit of luck my burst of energy will come soon. Caffeine induced energy. I'll take it anyway it comes. A little bit of it will be of my own.

I'm almost done with 'Beachcombing for a Shipwrecked God' and it's turned out to be a surprisingly good novel and quite adventurous even at the end. I have a few pages left to read, but fell asleep last night with it. Then comes the big choice of what to read next, because I have so many books to pick from. I got two in the mail yesterday and they look good too. There are some novels I'm unable to get and it's frustrating me to no end. People who only send inside their own country have them and that's a lost cause. You can't even approach them. Bookmooch is very strict about that. There's no way to finagle your way into their hearts.

Well, it's slowly turning into morning, because I'm sitting here poking around as usual. Paying attention to everything around me as I try to write this. I'm also listening to music, which is slightly distracting me, as I've never heard this singer before. Or band, I suppose it is. I like weird music, but it can be a little too weird sometimes and then I just sit spellbound listening to it. I always imagine being young and being the lead singer in a band myself and what kind of music I would like it to be and I'm sure I would not like it to be middle of the road music. It would have to be slightly odd and unique.

I wonder how sleep inducing it is to write a blog post and how sleep inducing it is to read one or many of them. They are such very passive activities, aren't they? You use such few muscles and your brain doesn't get overly involved either, unless you're writing a masterpiece. We all know I'm not writing one of those today. I'm just chit chatting. Making noise on the screen. I have to go off and find a passionate activity to do, such as mopping the floors...

I'm just a little bit cold sitting here and I may turn up the heater just a notch. On the other hand, if I'm going to be physically active, I won't need to. I'm awfully hungry too and may eat breakfast early. I just hope it won't make me groggy.

Alright, I'm off to find my bucket. I saw it last in the bathroom, so that's where I'm headed.

I hope you all have a wonderful morning when you wake up and that you will be full of good cheer.

Ciao,
Nora

How to not do it!

I had to see my SPN at 11 am. So at 10:15 am I laid down on the sofa for just a minute, only to wake up at 11:15 to the phone ringing. It was my SPN, of course. I had done it again. Missed another appointment. So we had an appointment over the telephone and I told her that I was not going to go those activating classes, with which news I kind of stumped her and she asked me to explain myself, which I did. She said that was all well and good, but that she worried about me not having any activities at all, especially not in the wintertime. That's when I brought up the activities that her clinic was organizing itself and she said, "But yes, those are real tough activities, those are for people who have not had any yet and who really need help." And I said, "Well, I really need help, because I was really not done with my daytime therapies yet, I am being forced to quit, I am not stopping out of my own free will."

(There's a long story that goes with why the patients from my psychiatric clinic can no longer go to the therapies at the psychiatric hospital and are being forced to quit before their time is up, but I won't go into that here. It all has to do with money.)

My SPN said that we would have to discuss it with my psychiatrist and I mentioned that I had an appointment with him next Monday and she said she would try to be there for it also, so we would be able to discuss it together.

I won't count on anything, but I'm not going to those classes, my mind is made up about that.

Well, just to show you I'm not out of the woods yet, I just took another Temazepam to calm my nerves. I feel I am teetering on the edge. I will have to go to sleep again to handle these tough times. I will get my book and lie down on the sofa, which is my second home. I think I'm rapid cycling and I need to go to sleep.

Ciao,
Nora.

Monday afternoon again!

The good news is that Jesker seems to be getting better. He is a bit more lively and a bit more steady on his feet and a bit more aware of what is going on around him. We've walked around the little field twice today already and he did well. He didn't walk quickly, but he walked steadily. He still sleeps a lot, but he comes over to be petted regularly too, which he hadn't been doing, and he follows me around the apartment. So, although I barely dare to say it, I think maybe he is going to be alright, although he may never be his old self again. We'll see. We'll take each day as it comes.

I made sure he was taken care of this morning and went to creative therapy and I tell you, it was nice to get out of the apartment for a while, because I was starting to feel cooped up. I was gone for 4 hours and when I came home, Jesker came to greet me at the door. I thought that was a good sign.

I worked on my third painting, which I thought was almost finished, but when I saw it today, I realized that it wasn't and that I had to add more details and some extra layers of paint. So that's what I did all morning, very patiently. It's a shame that we have to have a 30 minute coffee break. I'd rather not have it and just keep on working, or have a 15 minute break, that would be enough, and I completely forgot to check if there were any cookies. I could have used some of those this morning.

I didn't take any photos yet, of course, so I won't be showing any of those today. I probably will on Friday.

When I paint at home, I sit by the dining table, and because I don't have any newspapers, I paint on the bare table, without any protection under the paper I'm working on. Needless to say, I've already got green acrylic paint on the table. It's dried up there and I don't know if I can get if off easily. No doubt more paint in different colors will follow, unless I find a big piece of cardboard or something. I used to have a plastic tablecloth, but I haven't seen it since the Exfactor moved out, not that I'm accusing him of taking it. I was just in a cleaning frenzy then and got rid of a bunch of things. Some regretfully so, I guess.

I'm not doing any grocery shopping today. It is raining and I don't want to go out in it. I'm going to make do with whatever I can find in the kitchen for dinner. I will probably be soup with vermicelli. The refrigerator is very bare. There's one egg in it and a jar of pickles and four beers, plus some other assorted items like condiments that are probably past their due date. I think I'll have one of those beers now. That will fill me up a bit...

...Mmm, that tastes good. It warms my stomach and gives me the hiccups. Gastric band!

Tomorrow I have an intake interview for the activities in the downstairs area of the clinic. I will find out what sort of things are available and how much of a waiting list there is and I know there is one, because a lot of people from the upstairs therapies are going to the downstairs activities. I'll just have to convince them with all my charm that I have to start after December the 18th. That it's absolutely crucial that I do, so I won't fall into a hole.

Well, never mind. I'm not going to fall into a hole that quickly. There are the wonderful holidays to get through.

Alcohol is a mood altering drug. I've suddenly become very mellow. There's only 5% alcohol in this beer, but it feels like more. Of course, I'm not used to much. I would make somebody a cheap date. They'd only have to buy me two beers and I would have reached my limit for the evening. I think I'll have a cup of coffee after this. It did fill my stomach, though.

Right, that was it for now. I think I'll go and make that cup of coffee now and start the soup. I don't really like the way the beer is making me feel. I hope it wears off quickly and I'll be back to normal soon. I think I like that state of mind better. I should really be a teetotaler.

Have a nice evening and don't feel bad if it rains. It's cozy inside and you don't have to go out on a bike in it.

Ciao,
Nora

An Odd Day.

I had such an odd day yesterday. You'll remember that I had gotten up in the middle of the night. When I went to take my medicines in the morning, I realized that I had forgotten to take all of them the night before. That may have explained my nearly sleepless night. Then, when I went to take my anti psychotic medication, a new box, I realized it was different than what I had been taking before. It was from the same manufacturer, but it's name was different and it was different in appearance. I took it anyway, because I needed to, and assumed it was okay, because the dosage was the same. After that, I didn't give it another thought.

Sometime during the day, I started to get obsessive thoughts about random people in the street murdering each other with knives and me being witness to that. This changed into thoughts of people breaking into the apartment and wanting to murder me, causing me to hide and, when they could not find me, murdering the Überhund instead. My fantasy went so far that in my head, I was calling the police and describing the perpetrators to them.

You can imagine that these thoughts were very disturbing and I called my psychiatrist to ask him about the medication, which I thought was the cause of these obsessive thoughts. After trying for a few hours, I finally got a hold of him and he told me that I should have gotten the old medication, because that was prescribed to me and that apparently the pharmacy had made a mistake. But he also added, that although the medication that I had was more slowly absorbed in my body, in the end it should have the same effect as my old one.

So, I went to the pharmacy, where I found out that the reason they gave me the new medication was, because my health insurance would no longer pay for my old medication and that, if I still wanted it, it would cost me 250 Euros. Of course, I can't pay that, so I'll have to take the new medication and hope that if I take it at night before I go to bed, it will have enough time to get into my system properly. I think that and remembering to take all my medication and getting enough sleep should sort me out.

You see how everything is so carefully balanced and so dependent on each other. This morning I feel fine and I can think straight again and I don't have any obsessive thoughts.

Yesterday morning, I had my appointment about getting another activity added to my schedule and that went well. I had to talk to someone from a different program altogether, but she basically had the same sort of activities on offer, just for a different sort of clientèle. We quickly decided on a creative therapy class on Thursday mornings, as that was the best she could offer me and that was fine with me. I met the creative therapist who leads the class and he seems like a nice enough person and the group meets in the same space as my other class, so I can work on whatever project I have going. So, that worked out well.

I didn't get any housework done because of my state of mind and found it hard to concentrate on things, so I just sat around and drank mugs of decaf and smoked cigarettes until the Exfactor came by. Together, we tackled the cats and applied flea drops to them. Doing the job with two people meant it was done in no time, as the cats were unsuspecting and had no time to flee. Hardly any resistance was put up.

I didn't let the Exfactor know about my state of mind. I didn't want him to think that I was being creepy. Luckily, he didn't notice anything, because he thought he was coming down with the flu and was trying to find a replacement to work for him that night. As a result, he didn't stay long and soon enough I was on my own again.

I sent my SPN an email explaining my state of mind and the situation and I told her that I would call her today if there was no improvement. I didn't even feel like blogging and watched some inane TV program.

In the evening, I took the Überhund to the vet, who was not happy with his eyes yet and now has given me a different kind of ointment that I have to apply 6 times a day. The Überhund won't mind, because it will mean that 6 times a day he gets an extra snack. It's possible that his eyes won't get better and that this will be a chronic problem. The vet said that he had another dog with the same problem that he had sent to a specialist and the specialist had given up and sent the dog back to him. So, no specialist for us.

After we got home, I put my pajamas on and watched TV, except that I kept falling asleep and I only caught little glimpses of what I was trying to watch. It was all very noncoherent. I don't advise this sort of TV watching. I had been hoping for a good British thriller, but now I'm glad there was none on, because I would have missed most of it.

Looking back on this post, it seems a dry summing up of the facts without humor and emotion. I am sorry about that. I suppose I just want to convey how yesterday went and not get caught up in the feeling of it. As a result, I'm kind of dull. I will try to be more exciting in my next post.

Ciao...

La dee dah

I am so totally unconcerned with anything today. It must be because it is Saturday and I know that the big gears of bureaucracy and banking lie still and nothing in my life is going to change by me doing any sort of worrying or fretting or mind screwing, to put it nicely.

So, I fill my day with pleasant and useful and not so useful activities and do them as they come to me in no particular order and at whatever speed I deem necessary, with how ever much joy I feel at the moment and that is all very pleasant. I wile away the hours catching up on blogs and doing laundry and walking the Überhund and then I sit and barely eat the one slice of raisinbread that I manage to get down and burp a lot.

The Exfactor was here this morning, because the washing machine at his place is broken and he had been paying 4 Euros to get his laundry badly washed at the laundromat down the street. So I kindly offered him the use of my old but well functioning washing machine and his clothes were washed while he ran errands.

He was here yesterday in his capacity as 'caretaker' over me and that went well. I discussed my recent moods with him and my financial situation and the kind of scrapes I had gotten myself into and we put our heads together and made some sense of it. I think this arrangement will work, as I feel I can be quite honest and not beat around the bush or be embarrassed about how I have been dealing with things, or have not been dealing with them. The Exfactor is primarily a kind person and I have to tell him not to mollycoddle me. I need a firm hand.

It is ridiculous to think or imagine that this arangement is going to lead to a propitiation. All the reasons for our marriage to fail are still there and nothing has changed there. I still need my freedom of thought and movement and I don't want to give up what I have now gained. The Exfactor is still very much in love with the Paramount and I think under the conditions of their arrangement, he will stay that way for quite some time. He also needs his alone time and his freedom of thought and movement. We certainly don't want to go back to stifling each other. Seeing him once or twce a week as a friend and as someone I care for is more than enough. I think that suits us both. We just need a legitimate reason for it and we have that now.

The Überhund is quite funny when the Exfactor comes over. He starts to behave like a puppy who needs all the attention. All his dignity goes out the door and he begs for love and wants to be petted and fussed over and not share the Exfactor with the cats. Luckily, he returns to normal afterwards, because I like him much better then. I do like him to behave like a grown up dog with some amount of common sense and self respect. I hate to see him all humble and pleading for attention.

I saw my sister yesterday when I was out waking the Überhund and when I asked her how she was she said that she was great and that everything was fine again and that her very somber mood had passed. Does that sound familiar to you?

I have discovered a burn hole in one of my favorite dresses and I wonder how long I've been walking around with it? I must remedy the situation and sew the hole closed as well as I can. If you run fast, you won't notice it, my mother always said.

I must end this epistle, because the Überhund needs to go out very badly and is making very desperate noises. I think I must hurry before his bladder bursts.

Ciao....