No profoundness...

Today I will mention the fact that I'm waiting for the coffeemaker to get done brewing my two cups of coffee which I am sorely in need of. It is at the end of the afternoon and I am having just a little bit of a dip so I need the caffeine to climb out of it again. There's no question of taking a nap now. It is too late in the day for that. 

My bed doesn't look all that appealing anyway because those sheets have been on there for at least five days and I really want clean ones. I'm waiting for my favorite duvet cover to get dry and then I'll change the bed. The apartment is clean and I want my bed to be also. But first I've got to have those cups of coffee. 

I will not be very profound today and tell you all sorts of wise things about myself and my life. I'll take a day off and resume that again tomorrow. I don't feel like being very profound right now. I just want to be an ordinary, every day sort of person who doesn't impress anyone with her wisdom.

It has been a most excellent day and I've spent it pleasantly in the company of the Exfactor and the domestic help like I do every Friday. I think Friday is one of my most favorite days and that is also because it is the day before the weekend. 

Friday gives me the opportunity to straighten out my life without having to go far afield to look for the answers. I've usually got them close at hand and then I've got the weekend to put them to the test. I can try out any theory I have and see if it fits before I have to apply it during the week. 

I can tell the caffeine is working because I'm suddenly better capable of reasoning. I'm climbing out of my dip and becoming a human being again. I'll be sitting on top of the world in a moment. 

I guess some days you're more thoughtful about your life than other days. More pensive, I suppose. Not so outwardly shouting and loud about it. I am considering my attitude, although my outlook hasn't changed. I'm as comfortable with myself as I was yesterday and very sure of myself too. 

A cloak of restrictions and general anxiety has fallen off my shoulders and I have been set free. I am closer to how I used to be which is good. I hoped to be this way again. I'm not afraid of this person. She's a good human being and I trust her.

Ciao,
Irene

A bright and shiny moment...

It is with some amount of pleasure that I sit here at the end of the afternoon and enjoy the sunlight that is shining into the living room windows. It does make everything look bright and cheerful and it does wonders for the state of my mind. For a while I will thoroughly enjoy this time behind the computer and not worry about a single thing. Not that I really have that much to worry about anyway. My mind is pretty much empty of things that I could get overly stressed about. 

Besides, now is not the time of day to worry about anything. I do that best the first thing in the morning before I've had my cup of coffee and before my medicines have started to work. But because I know that the lack of these things causes me to feel stress, I don't pay it too much mind and simply wait for them to take effect. I try to ignore what goes on in my head for the first hour after I get up. I know I will be my usual normal self n the shortest amount of time. 

We've had some rain and cloudy weather and although I didn't mind it too much, I was glad when the sun came out again. It did actually affect my mood a little bit when the sky was so gloomy.  I pretend that it doesn't get to me, but really it does. I notice that when the sun starts shining again and my whole attitude changes. I'm a lot more cheerful because of it. We're supposed to have more rain tomorrow, but I guess I shouldn't complain about it too much because Mother Nature does need it. Some rain on a regular basis can only do it good. 

I saw my relaxation therapist today and learned a new exercise. I know so many different ones now that I could keep busy all day long doing them. They do seem to work because the pain I had walked around with in one shoulder is gone now and it had been a very stubborn pain that I thought I was going to need painkillers for.  Today's exercise really worked well on my belly and stomach and I literally felt the knots there untie.

I've got to go because the dog is waiting for me to take him for a walk. It's that time of the day again. At least the sun is shining and the temperature is nice. It will be great to be out there. 

Ciao,
Irene

Behaving myself...

I'm to the point now that I can't imagine living with other people. I'm so set in my ways and so used to solitude and silence that it would bother me to give it up. I find the greatest peace and quiet in my own company and I can only stand to share my space with the animals. Having other people around for any length of time would definitely cramp my style.

This maybe makes me sound like a misanthrope, but I'm not an unkind person. I'm easy to get along with as long as I don't have to have a real close relationship with anybody. I do keep a certain amount of distance always. I don't want anyone to sit on top of me emotionally. I'm uncomfortable if a relationship becomes too close. I need lots of breathing space and to feel free. 

Time by myself is what I treasure most. If I fill that with nothing but sitting in my armchair and enjoying the sound of silence, then that's all the better. It's what gives me the peaceful feeling. I realize now that I can't live with anyone else. It's my own company that I enjoy the most. 

I've had a most pleasant day, but I can't say that I've done anything specific with it. What I do know is that the overall feeling was one of peacefulness and that's the most important thing. At not one point did I feel stressed. If I can achieve that, I feel very lucky indeed and whatever the magic formula is, I want to keep applying it. I want to repeat this kind of a day as many times as I can.

I don't think I want another person in my life to complicate that. It's much easier to work out the magic ingredients if you are on your own. It's fairly smple to calculate in a dog and a cat. That's not a problem. Besides, they provide the necessary humor and love. And I do know that another person would bring out the worst in me, at least the person I would end up with. I haven't been able to pick the right one yet. 

So it's with a feeling of satisfaction that I look forward to the end of the day. I can rest easily and be content. It was a day to be happy about. Not all days go that well, but it's what I strive for and I'm very glad when I succeed. 

Ciao,
Irene

You get used to anything...

I am getting used to the horrid taste of the instant coffee and have almost forgotten what a decent cup of coffee tastes like. I guess that's a good thing. If I am going to drink this awful stuff, I may as well get used to it and not find it as horrible as I did in the beginning. It does what it is supposed to do and that is get me alert enough after I wake up from sleeping or if I'm having a dip. 

The fact that it has caffeine in it is the most important thing, although I did have my doubts about that when I first started drinking it. I even looked on the jar to make sure it wasn't decaffeinated coffee. At first I thought it wasn't doing a thing for me, but I've since started making stronger cups of it. That's working quite a bit better. 

The sad news is that my older sister was not able to come down here. She is in too bad a shape to make it. She called me this morning and was very disappointed. She had a packed bag all ready to go but had to cancel her trip. She is going to try and come later this month if she can get her illness under control better but I doubt she is going to be able to. I think until she's seen the specialist, she's just going to have an awfully hard time. 

At least I will be able to save most of the foods I bought for her stay here. Most of them can go into the freezer and the other ones can stay in the cupboards. I'll have to eat the bananas but that will be no great sacrafice.  I was looking forward to fixing the food but it will wait. It's more fun to cook for two people than it is for one.

I did go and have brunch with my younger sister and her family. She had all sorts of foods and a nicely laid out table. I had a hard boiled egg and a little bit of fruit salad but there were many more things to choose from. One of them was the special Easter bread which looked great but which I'm unable to eat. I was awfully full when I was done eating and felt like I had eaten a ton of food. I wish I could have, it all looked so good. 

Instead of going for a walk with them after the meal, I went home and took a nap to help digest my food. I was better able to sleep than to walk. My stomach was that uncomfortable. The nap was a success and I felt better afterwards. The dog woke me up because he wanted to go for a walk, so I briefly went out with him. I wasn't quite ready yet for the bigger work. 

Now I'm sitting here drinking a glass of milk and I'm waiting for the day to come to an end. It went by quickly and I haven't done much. I don't have much to show for it, except for a bloated stomach. An idiot would have more to show for his day.

Happy Easter all of you!

Ciao,

Irene

No dramas and no punchlines...

It's the end of the afternoon and the sun is setting. Much to my amazement, the day is already done. It went by very quickly or should I say, it is getting dark very soon? There is still a long evening ahead of me and I've got to try and entertain myself as well as possible. I will do the dishes in a little while. That ought to keep me out of trouble. I've also got to fold and put away the laundry.

Actually, the day did go by quickly, although I really didn't do that many things. I did sleep until the last minute before I had to go see my therapist. I had forgotten to set the alarm clock, but I woke up on time on my own. That was a lucky thing. You get charged nowadays for every appointment that you miss. 

I had to go by the pharmacy to pick up the medicine that I was short of. I thought maybe it had been forgotten, but it was there and I could take it home with me straight away. Even with my glasses on I don't have to say who I am. I do get recognized. I wonder why that is? I don't go in there that often. I mostly have my medicines delivered at home. There must be some feature in my face that's very recognizable. I hope it's not my nose.

The front tire of my bike was awfully low of air and I pumped it up. I hope it will stay pumped up, otherwise it will have to be patched. There's always glass on the road somewhere and although I try to avoid it, it's not always possible to get around the little splinters. Those are just the kind of things that get into your tire and cause a slow leak. The Exfactor will patch it, but I hate to ask him. He already does me enough favors.

I wore my winter sweater today. It is a little big on me but very comfortable. It is the only true winter sweater that I have. The rest of the time I wear layers. I think this ought to motivate me to knit a sweater and I'm giving it some serious thought. Of course, it would help if I could read a pattern, so I'm going to need some help. I already have a half baked scheme in my head. I will follow up on this over the next few weeks. Watch this space for further developments. 

I've got to fix some dinner. My body needs to get fed too. I can't just feed my soul. If it were that easy, I would live on air and coffee. I practically do now anyway. I love how empty my stomach feels sometimes. So flat and skinny. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening. 

Ciao,

Nora

Feeling better...

I've been in the most god awful mood for the past three days, but this afternoon I got smart and took an extra pill and since then I've started feeling a lot better. I was about to call my psychiatrist or the crisis line because I was feeling so bad. I was being my own worst enemy and thought that everyone and everything else was too. How terribly frustrating that was, and so exhausting too. 

Now I feel like I am more myself again and that I'm capable of handling life as it happens. As long as nothing too complicated comes along, I should be okay. Luckily, the day is almost over and I don't expect anything out of the ordinary to happen. The evening should be pretty predictable and there is even going to be a thriller on TV. 

I've already walked the dog in the coolness of the late afternoon. It wasn't very warm today and it even looked like it was going to rain. That's how overcast and gloomy the sky got. Still, I only needed to wear my cardigan and I wasn't in the least uncomfortable. 

Tomorrow we're going to have some showers, but we've been having a lot of those lately and it's nothing new. Actually, we're all getting a little tired of them. I think we're all in need of more sunshine than we are getting now and many people are changing their minds and are booking last minute holidays to Spain anyway. 

You'd have to pay me a lot of money to get me to go there and sit on the beach with all those other sunburned bodies. That's not my idea of a perfect vacation. I do dislike crowds and would hate to hang out on the beach at the Costas or in a swimming pool at some overpopulated hotel. I would rather go to the countryside and to museums and churches and small towns in Italy, for instance. 

I can't go on vacation at all due to lack of money, but in my head and imagination I travel a lot. I've already been to a lot of places in the past, so I can remember them. I do have that. I don't know if I will ever travel again in the future, but I always have the vague assumption that I will. Maybe I will win the lottery one day.

It's nice if you don't confront reality too hard and leave something to the imagination, otherwise you get so desperate. It's better not to get too super realistic about things and leave them a little bit vague and not too sharply outlined in your mind. You always want to have a little bit of hope. 

I choose not to think too intently about the future. I like to leave it a little bit unknown and unclear, although I must say that at this rate it's pretty much predictable. The future is practically written out for me and I expect no real surprises. 

I get the distinct impression that the dog wants to go out again. He is sitting here beside me very impatiently. I think I'd better pay attention to his needs. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Those rotten chores...

I've done my chores and the washing machine is churning away so I don't have to feel bad about sitting here and taking the time to write this. I've even done my administration and ordered new food for the dog on line. Yes, I have done my duties and didn't have a nervous breakdown. 

I only was in danger of having one for half a minute and then I dared it to. I faced it head on and decided it wasn't going to get to me. That I was stronger than it and that I was not in need of a tranquilizer simply because I had a number of stressful activities to take care of. 

I proved to be right. Opening the mail and facing possible bad news was not half as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was what it was, unpleasant. They wanted my money. I dislike that intensely, but it doesn't help if I have a breakdown over it.

In my spare moments I watched tennis at Roland Garros. There were some Dutch people playing and they needed my attention, not that it helped. We don't do all that great, not when faced with formidable opponents like Kim Klijsters and Marty Fish. It was fun to watch anyway and they were nice moments to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette.

I couldn't finish watching any of the matches, so I don't know how they ended. I had to do my chores and walk the dog in the windy day. There are rain clouds, but no rain has fallen out of them yet.

The dog had been stealing the potholders off their hook in the kitchen and playing with them. They had drool all over them and they're in the washing machine now. He has also been stealing the magnetic little animals off the refrigerator and I found them throughout the apartment. I put them up high, but he still got to them. 

It's a completely new activity for him that he's just discovered. Stealing things from the kitchen. I suppose that up till now, it was just a place to go eat and he hadn't really explored it properly. I guess next will be the dishtowels. I've got to go to the pet shop and buy him some new indestructible toys. He wrecked his rubber rabbit to the point that I had to toss it out. 

He really enjoyed tearing that rabbit apart and it took him a long time. It was worth the price I paid for it. I may get one like it again. It was the best toy we've had so far. 

I've got to put away the dishes and hang up the clean laundry. I'm glad the day is almost over. I have to walk the dog one more time and then I'm going to put on clean pajamas and vegetate in front of the television. I may even read my book. It will be an evening spent leisurely with the minimum amount of activity. 

You wouldn't have thought that officially this was my day off. I had no appointments today and nobody coming over. 

I hope you're all having a good day with the kind of weather you most want. 

Ciao,

Nora

 

It's a tough job...

Even though daytime blogging is hard for me to do, I'm going to give it a try. I was planning on taking a nap, but the phone rang and that got me right out of my bed again. I'm not going back to it and I'm saving my sleep for tonight instead. I made a deal with my psychiatrist and my SPN that I was seriously going to change my sleeping habits and not get up in the middle of the night anymore to stay up for a couple of hours and blog. 

My psychiatrist is also prescribing another sleeping pill that will help me sleep through the night instead of what I have now that only helps me fall asleep. I have no problems falling asleep. As a matter of fact, I'm asleep ten minutes after I lie down in bed. It's staying asleep that's the problem. Hopefully these pills will help me. Unfortunately, the pharmacy didn't have them in supply and has to order them, so I won't have them until tomorrow. That's a bit of a disappointment, but I will have to be patient for another night. 

I get up in the middle of the night because I think it's exciting to blog then. I usually have a very good mood and a bit of a high. I think that the posts that I write then are much more exciting than the posts that I write during the day. This could all be an illusion and I came to realize that this past night. I was artificially pepping myself up with coffee and creating a hypo-manic state for myself to exist in. I thought I was writing down very significant things, but they really amounted to nothing at all. 

I want to stop doing this foolishness in the middle of the night and just sleep through it like ordinary people do. I want to go to bed at night knowing that I will wake up feeling refreshed in the morning because I've had enough sleep. 

I discussed feeling depressed with my psychiatrist and how you can choose to ignore those thoughts and feelings once you realize that you have them because you're depressed. You don't have to give any credence to them and they don't have to overwhelm you. You can choose not to sit in them, but put them in a pile beside you and leave them there for you to look at now and then when you feel up to it. 

You would not have most of those thoughts and feelings if you felt well. If you were in a healthy state of mind. Most of them you have because you see your life through very negatively colored glasses. That is, if you've worked through enough of the baggage that you carry around with you because of everything that's happened to you in your life. If you walk around with old unresolved grief, you'll have to take care of it. 

In spite of my good intentions, I am tired and I'll have to go to bed early tonight. I'll walk Tyke one more time and eat dinner and get my pajamas on. I'll vegetate in front of the television for a while and watch nothing important whatsoever. You do have to have times like that too. I'm sure there will be something like that on. There usually is. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

I'm crazy, but I'm not afraid...

That's the title of a song I'm listening to, so don't get any ideas. I'm plenty scared and not half as crazy as I think I am, so it's only partly true.

I just, after much dawdling, checked my bank account balance and much to my surprise, I had at least twice the amount of money that I thought I would have, which is such a relief, you have no idea. It is like I just got a present that I was not expecting. I checked and made sure that all the bills have been paid and yes, everything seems to be okay, so that's good then. I dawdled, because usually there is less money there than I want there to be and I worry about making it to the next payday, which is a week from today. It means I can go to the post office and mail those packages without worrying about how much it will cost.

I went back to bed this morning and slept a few more hours after which I drank a cup of coffee while extensively petting the dog and then walking him. It's only -1C and cloudy, but the sun is supposed to be out every now and then. Still, it's not warm enough for the snow to melt, but it may be tomorrow when we are expecting rain or snow, depending on what the actual temperature is going to be. We won't ask what I would like for it to be, because that's unrealistic and it won't happen. Needless to say, I want it to be warmer and for all the snow to melt. I've had enough of it. It's been fun, but I want to see the street and the sidewalk again.

I've got a terrible hairdo from alternately sleeping on my hair and wearing my snow hat, I can't be seen out in public without it on, because my hair is sticking up in three different directions. It totally doesn't faze me as long as nobody is around to look at it. I sit here in the privacy of my apartment with sticking up hair and every once in a while I run my hands through it in an attempt to tame it. Sleeping on my right side doesn't help, because it shoves all my hair upwards on that side of my head. A good rain shower would help now and maybe it would bring out the natural curls. Ha, just kidding. I have as much natural curl as a pack of spaghetti. I will stick my head under the bathroom faucet and try to get my hair to lie flat again. Either that or apply wax and hairspray. Water may be better, though. Once you put wax and hairspray in your hair, it gets sticky and you have an even harder time controlling it the next day. You look like a yak caught in a snowstorm.

I've been wearing the same gray cardigan for as long as there is snow now. It's the one item of clothing that's keeping me very warm. As soon as the snow melts, it's going in the laundry, but until that time I'm continuing wearing it. There's usually an item of clothing that I really get attached to and this cardigan is one of them. It's made of wool, partially, and it's very comfortable. It covers my big rear end and it matches whatever I'm wearing. I can change all my clothes and still wear this cardigan over them and I can wear any of my scarves with it.

Speaking of scarves, I would like to buy another one, but that involves going to the clothing store and that is something I'm not quite up to, which is a darn shame. I'm missing out on opportunities with this agoraphobia that is keeping me so close to home and so limited in my movements. I will be glad when it's gone and I can move about again. I would like to go to the little shopping center that's not too far from here and poke around in a few shops for some odds and ends that I need. It's very frustrating not to be able to do that.

Instead of going out, I'm doing a lot more reading. I've finished "Half Broke Horses" by Jeannette Walls and "The Blue Afternoon" by William Boyd. I just finished a collection of short stories by Alice Adams and I started a novel by her yesterday called "Superior Women." I definitely feel the need to read and can't get enough of it, but the problem is that I fall asleep quickly with a book, no matter how exciting it is. It's the serenity and the silence that do it and the fact that I just seem to need a lot of sleep. But the books are great and I'm enjoying them very much. I am kind of reading them randomly and choose whatever I feel in the mood for at the moment. Sometimes I let the title help me decide and sometimes the name of the author, it all depends. A good title will awaken my curiosity, like "Beachcombing For A Shipwrecked God." That sounded very good and it was a good book. I'll look for novels by Joe Coomer again. "The Blue Afternoon" was very good also, that's one of those novels that you think about later on and remember passages of.

I just got the mail and I have 4 new mooched books to add to my collection. They all look very interesting and they are novels I really wanted and I'm lucky I got them, and here they all were in one fell swoop too. I must make room for them on the bookcase, because they deserve a place of honor. I don't have any of these authors yet, but I'm very excited about having them. Dorothea Benton Frank, Clare Boylan, Kaye Gibbons and Carol Goodman. And that's the only mail I got too. No bills! Isn't that nice? A woman on her own deserves a break now and then and I seem to be getting mine today. I'm very pleased.

I just took the dog out for a walk, because he was looking at me with those eyes from about a foot away. Those Bambi eyes. It turned out he didn't have to do anything urgent, he just wanted a stroll around the neighborhood. I can't blame him. He wants to sniff in all the familiar places and explore some of the less familiar ones and see if there is anything edible underneath the snow, which I then have to keep him from devouring. He has less than discriminating tastes and I don't know what will quickly disappear in his mouth once he's found something. I have to pull him away from anything that looks suspicious as fast as possible and he does know how to throw his weight into it. He's a strong dog for an old man.

Well, I'm going to read for a while. The afternoon is drawing to an end and soon it will be dark. It still have to move that lamp to the armchair so I can sit there and read. I hope sitting there will prevent me from falling asleep, as opposed to hanging out on the sofa.

Have a good evening, or whatever time of day it is over at yours.

Ciao,
Nora

What is it anyway?

After I had that bowl of porridge this afternoon, I couldn't resist the temptation and laid down on the sofa for just a little while with my book and, of course, I fell asleep for an hour and a half, but it was very pleasant and I don't feel at all like I've ruined it for tonight, because I still feel that I've got plenty of sleep left in me. As a matter of fact, I'm yawning as I write this and tears are running down my face and I'm yawning so hard, that I'm in danger of dislocating my jaw, which I will have to push back in place myself if it does. Everything is crackling and popping every time I yawn. It will have to be part of my self sufficiency, how to relocate my jaw after yawning. Just like changing light bulbs and reconnecting the computer.

The Exfactor always thought that I didn't know how to do those things. He assumed I was helpless. He didn't know I had 22 years experience at being not helpless, at being competent. He was a rescuing knight on a white horse whether you wanted to be rescued or not. He pulled your survival tools right out of your hands and made you unskilled and all thumbs. Some people are that way. They are Super Good Samaritans and don't let other people figure things out for themselves. There are Mother Theresas all over the world in all guises. They are so eager to do good deeds, that they are constantly looking for victims and if they can't find them, they create them.

It feels like it is very late at night already, but is isn't. I've got my pajamas and my bathrobe on. The pharmacy delivered my medication. I just told them to do it and didn't give them a reason why. I very easily could have picked it up myself, but I didn't feel like going out at the end of the afternoon when my prescriptions were being faxed. There's always a lot of traffic then and I do so hate crossing those two intersections at that time of the day.

I've never gotten quite competent at riding my bike again when I came back to the Netherlands. I do a good job, but I always worry about the traffic. I feel very vulnerable after all those years of always driving a car. I feel especially so when my bike is loaded with groceries and I'm glad I live so close to the grocery store, because I worry even over that short distance. I still yell at pedestrians downtown that step of the sidewalk in front of my bike. They are suicidal, but I will have the biggest injuries and when you live alone, you don't want a broken arm. It's hard to go to the toilet on your own with only one arm functioning. I yell, "Watch out, watch out!" I can't ring my bell fast enough. Or at people who walk on the cobblestoned streets, "Will you please go walk on the sidewalk?" Those cobblestoned streets make you rattle and shake as it is. It's hard to keep control over your bike. You just hobble all over the place.

It's all an effort by the city to make the streets downtown look as authentic as possible, but those cobbletones are murder on your bike, or your ankles when you walk on them. Sturdy shoe wear is advised. Ladies with high heels shouldn't go there, you see evidence of them stuck in the cracks. Not the ladies, but the high heels.

I'm having a terrifically tall glass of fruit juice to quench my thirst. Drinking coffee makes you thirsty and this fruit juice is the greatest stuff. It is freshly squeezed and kept in the cooler at the store. I could drink glasses of it, but I do want to make it last and it is high in calories, but it has all kinds of vitamins in it. I drink two glasses of it a day and that gives me a bunch of the vitamins I need. I also drink a lot of milk and as a result my nails grow very quickly and so does my hair. The porridge I eat is high in vitamin B and iron.

Specsavers called this evening and said that the lenses for my glasses were there, so I'm going in tomorrow afternoon to have them put into the frame. It shouldn't take long to do it and I'm seeing my friend Von at the same time. I haven't seen Von in a while and it will be good to hang out with her. No doubt we will sit by our usual café, but hopefully under the awning where there is heating, although it hasn't been that cold outside the last few days and there has been no rain. The leaves are dropping very quickly off the trees, though. It's going very rapidly right now, but some of the trees look spectacular still. Not all of them are equally pretty and only the imported maples are really awesome. Some trees just turn brown and that is it. Some turn yellow and that is much better.

I found the glasses that I had lost. They were in a box in my bedroom that had photos and photo frames in it. I don't know how they got in there and I found them quite by accident, but now that I have them again, I must say that I don't really like them and that I like my old glasses better and that I'm glad that I'm getting the proper lenses put into those. I've tried them out, of course, and I can't wear them behind the computer and do better with them off. It seems the worse my vision gets for far away, the better it gets for close by. I don't know why I thought these new glasses were better for me, because they are not at all attractive. At least, I don't think so. I think I look like a very stern school mistress who should have her hair in a bun and a pencil behind her ear. I look much kinder in my old glasses.

I have creative therapy in the morning and I will be looking at that last painting I made and try to figure out what's missing in it, because something is. It is too stilted as it is now. There's not enough life in it. It needs more abundance, more joie de vivre. I'll either fix it or ruin it. It's a 50/50 chance that I take. That's what skill is all about. Next I need to do a painting that brings me back to the basics. Just the original elements that I started out with, but very well combined. I'm futzing too much now with other little details and I don't want to do that. It distracts me from my main design. That's what I need to get back to.

Why is it that I get oodles of energy the later the night gets? I really enjoy myself late at night, that's when I feel best. I'm complete in my satisfaction and contentment. I will take my medications now and maybe that will slow me down. I need to get sleepy now and not excited about being up.

Alright, I think I have made this post long enough. I don't want the length to be overwhelming. I hope you all have a good night's sleep and I will "see" you all in the morning, fit as a fiddle.

Ciao,
Nora

Just a short one.

I'm sitting here at the end of the evening in my pajamas and just wanted to get some last words in before I shut the computer off and turn on the television. Sometimes a person feels a compulsion to write down a few more words at the end of the day, whether they are important or not. It's the push to have your final say as the day closes and you haven't talked to anyone in a while, but you've just been communicating by email and comments. You feel that you haven't said enough yet and that there are more words in you and that by putting them down in print you are also still connected to everybody else out there. Your blog family.

So, I am sitting here with a nice creamy mug of decaf senseo, which tastes very good freshly made and I mustn't let it get cold, because that will spoil all the flavor that makes it so good. I've decided to stay away from the diet Coke at night after the experience I had with it last night. I'm going to be a smart girl tonight and get to bed at a decent time and sleep until I am naturally woken up. It is going to be Sunday after all and nobody in their right mind is going to be bothering me on Sunday, the sacred day. I'm so glad we still keep this day in honor as a special day, because I think people need a day on which they are not bothered by anything or anyone.

The grocery shopping went fine and I really did not need that many things for a change, so I was not completely laden down with groceries and my total was below 20 Euros. That never happens. The bike ride home went pretty smoothly and I never once was in fear of my life, except maybe once when I had to cross into my street and there was traffic heading my way and I had to time it just right without getting off the bike, which I hate to do, because it's such a hassle to start back up again.

I was greeted by many happy animals who thought I came bearing many gifts, but I had to disappoint them. I only bought sensible food this time. Things I really needed and not an item more.

Then I went to my sister's house and struggled wit the alarm like I knew I would and at first I couldn't find the fish, because I thought they were upstairs in my nephew's room, but they turned out to be downstairs in the living room. Then I had to struggle with the alarm again when I left and I hope the house is secure now. I'm really not sure.

I watched the news, which is now all about the Mexican flu and how some countries are over reacting and becoming quite paranoid. In Hong Kong, a whole hotel has been closed with all the guests inside until May the eighth, because some guests were running a temperature. Some guests have been quarantined in a hospital. We have one three year old with the flu who had been to Mexico with his parents.

Now I'm going to take my medicines and watch some TV and then go to bed. I feel like it has been an exhausting day, when in reality it hasn't, it just feels that way and I need a good night's sleep.

So, good night, you all. Have a good sleep yourself and have a terrific slow wake up in the morning.

Ciao...

What did I tell you?

I have such a hard time waking up in the morning. The alarm clock wakens me out of a deep sleep and I need at least an hour to pull myself back into the land of the living because I have been so sound asleep. I sleep like a bear in hibernation. Quite befuddled I sit on the sofa with my mug of coffee and forget to drink it while I try to remember who I am and which day I am living in. In the meantime the Überhund wants my attention and rubs his head against my hands repeatedly and I absentmindedly rub his ears, but woe is me if I stop.

I smoke my cigarettes, but I am unable to get a fresh mug of coffee and sit with my half cold one and just don't know what to do. The minutes tick away and it keeps getting closer to eight AM, when I absolutely need to get in the starting blocks, which I then do, quite suddenly and then there is no stopping me. I go on automatic pilot and do all the things I need to do in the correct order, so I won't forget anything.

It isn't really until after I've walked the dog that I'm fully awake and can say I am present and accounted for. Then I look at the clock to see how many minutes I have left to have another cup of coffee and if I can afford to be a few minutes late and how quickly I need to ride my bike without having an accident. I figure I can decently be five minutes late and it is not really a big deal. Anything past that is rude.

During the break in ergo therapy, I met the new creative therapist for Tuesdays and we told her honestly that I had been intimidated to come, but she was ever so nice and took the time to show me around the room and showed me all the different projects I could try working on, which made me quite excited, because I saw things there that I had not seen in the other creative space. Working with lino cuts for example, which I am already sure that I am going to try first and working with Arabian gum and water and ink, which makes real nice effects and all sorts of other things. I was like a kid in the candy shop.

But...we must address this initial fear I have to start new things, because I am going to keep running into this problem and not everywhere in life people are going to be as patient and understanding with me, so I have to develop new strategies. I have fear of the unknown.

After ergo therapy, I had a one hour break, but luckily, so had a bunch of other people and the weather was nice, so we sat out on the deck in the sunshine and I ate four pieces of nougat that I still had in my purse from an outing with Von. I had also been smart enough to bring my one PM medications and remembered to take those. Sometimes I amaze myself.

At 1:30 PM we went down to the rec room for elementary movements, which is moving sensually to ethnic music, that's the only way to describe it. You will probably remember that I tried this once before and gave up on it, but I was bound and determined to get it right this time. Much to my surprise, I got the really hard movement right, which is moving your hips up and down while moving them back and forth and sideways, while not loosing your rhythm and then walking and stomping your feet along with it.

This is very hard to do, because you have to concentrate on so many things, firstly on your whole body stance and alignment. After you've done it for a while. you feel that you've tensed up and you have to relax and shake it all about and realign and start all over again. In between we danced loosely however we wanted to very happy music as wild as we wanted. I need some practice in this. I have a very Calvinistic body. It's not very wild.

We ended with a meditation, which was nice and relaxing and I was home by three PM, full of energy and took the dog for a walk, who had been impatiently waiting for me to get home, because he was right at the door when I opened it.

After that, I had a cup of coffee and sat down for a while, reading my mail and looking at my almost clean living room. I still need to mop the floors, but I got a lot done yesterday and will continue tomorrow morning, which is a day off, because it is Queen's Day.

Toby is very much better. He no longer has a snotty, runny nose and his eyes are clear. He only sneezes a little bit now, but you can see that there has been a vast improvement. He no longer makes that awful sound when he breathes and he wants lots of affection. And here I was ready to give up on him, that's how sick he was. Good old Toby.

The Exfactor came by for a quick cup of coffee and after that I somehow found the energy to go grocery shopping, because I was all out of milk. I can't live without milk. I also bought a six pack of Cola Light, but hadn't realized that Cola straight from the can would interfere something awful with my gastric band and two swallows from it made me feel like I had had a super meal and I felt a huge burp that was stuck there, but wouldn't come out. I poured the Cola in a glass and waited for all the bubbles to dissipate before I drank the rest of it. Flat Cola is the best.

Now it's time to bring the evening to an end. The day sure went by quickly, I feel like there were not enough hours in it. I need to put my pajamas on and relax behind the dumb box for a while. Tomorrow is another day and I get to sleep in. We'll see what time I naturally get up without the alarm clock.



Sleep tight, all you sweet people, sorry you don't have a holiday tomorrow.

Ciao...

Nursing Days.

I feel like I'm a nurse in a vet clinic taking care of the animals. I give the Überhund his Fortiflex for his osteoarthritis in the morning wrapped in a slice of meat and then apply two sorts of ointment to his eyes, because both eyes are infected, I repeat this process in the evening. In between, all day long, I am picking off the scabby snot of Toby's nose, so he can breathe, and I'm cleaning his eyes.

He doesn't like this very much and puts up a struggle, so I have to grab him by the skin of his neck and be quick about it without making an enemy out of him. So far, this seems to be working, because he does not actually run away from me, but lets me pet him afterwards, so maybe in his dim little mind, he knows it's necessary. Since cats can only breathe through their nose, he sounds terrible and you can hear him from some distance and I have to keep the passages open.

I do find that I have a lot of patience when it comes to taking care of sick animals, so maybe I'm a natural and I missed my calling. The Überhund is very good about having the ointments put in his eyes and doesn't put up a struggle, he is completely resigned to it and when I tell him to scoot closer, he actually does.

Those poor critters in my sickbay . I hope the other two stay healthy.

My day started off kind of slow with an undetermined mood, It felt that it could go either way and I sat behind the computer for a while and drank my coffee and smoked my cigarettes. When I was fully functioning, I walked the dog, but when I came back, I was so tired that I laid down on the sofa and took a nap, from which I woke rather refreshed and hungry.

I had something to eat and made a shopping list and went to the grocery store, where it was very busy and many shopping carts blocked the aisles. I very rudely shoved my way through them, because I am very single minded and when on a mission, stick to my goal and get to the things that are on my list and nobody gets to stand in my way.Especially not little old men who have very doubtful looks on their faces as they contemplate the many kinds of soup and won't get out of the way. I do so dislike people who dawdle and have bewildered looks on their faces.

I do always manage to pick the really good checkout line that moves quickly and I'm done in no time. The hardest part is getting all the groceries back in your shopping cart to take them to your bike where you can fill up your various bags. You can't keep up with the speed of the check out person and you have to pay before you have all the groceries back into your cart. We don't have bag people in the Netherlands like they do in the States.

Once I got home, and had unloaded all the groceries, my neighbor from upstairs came for a cup of coffee. She is a very lonely woman who needs a bit of company every now and then and she comes and has coffee with me. She has a very complicated life in which everything goes wrong and I only understand half of it, but I try to be a listening ear, although at times that is hard. Especially when I can't quite follow the story. She has decided that I am her friend.

I was so discombobulated, that I almost let some of my plants dry out and die, but I think I caught myself just in time and gave them a good dousing in the kitchen sink.It's always a bad sign if you don't take care of your house plants properly. I've had many plants die that way, because I was mentally not okay and neglected things around me. It's a good thing that the animals make noise and remind me to take care of them. Lol.

Well, now I have to get something to eat and get into my pajamas for a nice leisurely evening in front of the TV. We were suppposed to get some rain, but it never materialized.

Here are some pictures I made yesterday.




Have a good evening, cozy in your livingrooms.

Ciao...

At the end of the day.

The day is drawing to an end. I'm already in my pajamas and my bathrobe and I've been drinking decaf for some hours now, so I'm suitable decaffeinated.

I just ate a big bowl of hot oatmeal and it was so good, it warmed my stomach and all my extremities. I feel like I've had the ultimate comfort food. I had forgotten that I had oatmeal in the cupboard and ran across it yesterday when I was looking for something soothing to eat. What a lucky find.

I've called up about my package and have now been told that it will be here on Tuesday. No explanation really on why it was taking so long and I'll believe it when I see it. I just helped vote this company into the best on line store of the Netherlands and now they are letting me down. They've grown to big for their britches. Isn't that always the way it goes?

I am being distracted by the television which for a change I have not turned off. There is a silly program on and I don't recommend typing a post and listening to a silly television program at the same time. No matter how hard you concentrate, you do get distracted.

There, I've turned the television off, because I don't need that kind of interference. I never do understand people who can blog and listen to music at the same time. I need complete silence when I try to write things down. I do like the sound of the clickety click of the keys on the keyboard. It makes me sound industrious.

It was cold today. There wasn't that much rain, but the wind whipped icy cold around you when you went outside. I want to take the Überhund for longer walks, but it's not the weather for it and he also chooses the short route. I can't wait for nice quiet weather that allows you to walk without a scarf bundled around your neck and wishing for a thicker jacket. The wind is always the culprit in the weather, because it makes the temperatures feel colder than they actually are and it seems that the wind is always blowing here. It's always an important element of the weather.

I've lived in the Netherlands for 15 years now and you'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I never get used to the cold of the winter season, and really, it's not that bad compared to the weather people get in the Midwest or in Canada where there is lots of snow and ice and winters last forever. We have nothing like that here, because we are in a temperate zone, but I sure don't like the cold and rain that we do get. I'm a springtime sort of person and I can't wait for April and May when the fun part of the year starts. I shouldn't complain though, because I know that some of you are still stuck in the snow and are waiting for that to thaw.

My day went well enough for a Saturday, because you all know that I really take the weekends off without the least bit of guilt. I do the minimum housework and let the apartment be as it is and try not to get excited about anything that really needs to happen. I figure those are the working day jobs.

I managed a nap on the sofa and that was very pleasant, but I needed it, because I felt it in my bones. A sudden weariness came over me and I laid down and was asleep within a few minutes. I leave the television on turned down low for company and I sleep right through it and then wake up to some program of which I don't have the least idea of what it is about. Very often it is a sports program and some team is performing an obscure sport in some part of the world that I've never heard of and we are not doing well. Sports programs do have to fill their time with sports, even if there is barely anything to cover.

After a refreshing nap, it is time for a good cup of coffee and some computer time, but first I have to bond with the Überhund who has been taking his nap beside me, while some cat has been laying on top of me. The Überhund lies on his back while I rub his belly and he purrs like a kitten, at least, that's what it sounds like to me. It's actually a series of low moans and snorts and sighs, all out of happiness and contentment. Oh, to be a dog and to be that happy.

Firefox opens up six tabs (I don't know the proper word in English) and I can see if there are any new posts or any new comments to the blogs I follow. They also take me to 6S and Facebook and Blogger dashboard and my own blog. If I'm very bored, I read my own old posts and am amazed at what I've written, because I have a bad memory and have forgotten a lot of those things already.

I never let on how bad my memory is. I cover it all up, but I know very often I don't get my facts straight. One thing I alwas forget is how close I am to someone. It's like I have to start every relationship over again from scratch every time, while only vaguely being aware of how close I already am to that person. If it weren't for the other person's efforts, I would remain a stranger to everybody. That's a very odd thing, isn't it? I've always thought that it was something autistic in me. I identify with some aspects of autism and have often wondered if I have some of it myself.

After that revelation, I think it's time for me to go to bed, although I'm not nearly sleepy, but it's late. I'll read until I fall asleep. I've got a new book called The Road Home by Rose Tremain and I think I'll start reading it tonight.

It's turned into a midnight ramble. Have a good sleep, everyone.

Ciao...