A thrill a minute...

That's not really true. I'm not having a thrill a minute at all but I wish I did, I'm ceratinly in the mood for it but since it's in the middle of the night, I wouldn't know how to get one. It felt like I was going to when the first cup of coffee worked its magic on me and the caffeine hit my system. I got a bit of a high out of it but I've since calmed down again. I'm back to business as usual and that's much more boring. I'm the only person I know who gets calmed down from a cup of coffee. 

The return to my regular dose of medication has left me very "normal" again and I do embrace that. My days and my moods have become predictable again and I feel good for the most part. There are no big surprises in how I will feel. On the scale of craziness, I'm not crazy anymore. I fall completely within the acceptable norms. This can be a little dull but it is less painful. Being on an emotional rollercoaster is a thrill but scary, especially when it isn't caused by outside events but simply because of your own state of mind. 

There's nothing like having the dull roar of peacefulness settle in your head so you can sit n silence and not be bothered by obtrusive and painfully penetrating thoughts that all vie for attention at the same time which all make you feel that you're a train wreck that's about to happen. You could actually become the causalty of your own thoughts and god forbid the very notion. You could end your life simply to prevent the onslaught of negative input that never seems to end and causes so much confusion.

The occasional highs you have are simply islands in the sea of turmoil that you land on for a brief time out. They are not very safe either because they give a fals impression of your reality. They don't reflect anything accurately. You feel that you've landed in a "normal" place but it is anything but. You can't really make any sort of sensible decision in this state of mind. You are just as deluded. Somehow you have to try and find the middle ground and decide on a course of action then. That's what will help you out of the mess. 

Those are my observations for the last few weeks. I can speak with hindsight now. Wisdom comes after the fact when everything has been said and done. Luckliy there were no casualties. Nobody was harmed in the gaining of this knowledge. Well, I did get metally beat up a little bit but it left no scars. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,
Irene

Brewing coffee...

I'm learning to brew coffee in my new coffeemaker. How much ground coffee to use for 4 cups or for 6 cups, which translates into 2 or 3 mugs of coffee. I like my coffee strong, so I put heaping spoons full into the filter. It's awful if I don't put enough ground coffee into it, because I end up with a weak brew that I drink nevertheless, because I don't want to waste it, although I would if it were really undrinkable, or so I tell myself. I'm on a learning curve and almost have it right now. I've got good ground coffee, so that's not the problem. It's just measuring the coffee right that's the trick. I do want to be known for my good cups of coffee. I have my reputation to think of.

I slept 10 hours last night after having written my last post. It helped to go to bed late and then sleep in one fell swoop, so I'm going to do that again tonight. I won't worry about what time I go to bed and I'll wait until I'm really good and tired. There will be no more going to bed early before the sun goes down. Going to bed with the chickens. Besides, the sun goes down earlier every evening and pretty soon I would be going to bed at dinnertime. Bed has been so tempting, but I think it has been a way to end the day prematurely and not really a place to go because I was so very sleepy and tired. I can do like I did this evening and take a short nap on the sofa.

I went to see my SPN today under my umbrella. It was raining half an hour before I had to see her, so I walked over there, not willing to go on my bike and get soaking wet. It only takes me 20 minutes to walk over there if I don't dawdle. It was good to see her and we had a nice talk. I told her that I had discovered that as the norm goes, I'm actually quite normal. She was happy to hear that. I think she is glad that I made that discovery, because she wants me to think of myself as normal as possible. I think she likes the fact that I've found out that the population at large is not nearly as sane as I thought it was and that everybody has their issues. I don't need to feel so odd. It's not necessary.

She also felt it was time for the Bright Light Energy Lamp, so I'm going to put it in place tomorrow. I have a spot on my desk where it will fit and I can sit in front of it for at least half an hour every day. I do have to do this in the mornings as much as possible, because it is energizing.

I finished Deja Dead by Kathy Reichs last night and I will begin reading A Place of Hiding by Elizabeth George tonight. As far as I can tell, it is not an Inspector Linley mystery, but a Simon St. James one. I have never had one like it, so it will be a new experience. It will be a thriller and that is the main thing. I do like her thrillers and she does have a fascinating way of telling a story. She is good with details. Deja Dead was gruesome and fascinating as well, but you do have to have nerves of steel. Kathy Reichs does know how to tell a scary story and she goes into great detail about the dead bodies. You have to guard yourself against that. Her books are very suspenseful, though.

I've mooched a couple of books and I have more coming. I have sent books and have one more to send. I'm glad my older sister gave me money that I could use to send those books with. I have a wish list with enough books to choose from for now. As a matter of fact, I've just been terribly distracted and browsed for more books and added those to my list. I had quite forgotten about Doris Lessing and how much I liked her. I have some of her books and read more in the past, but there are many more I want to own. I've also gone to bol.com and added books to my wish list there. It's ever growing and there will never be an end to it.

It's been raining off and on all evening and it's supposed to tomorrow as well. I find it quite cozy. If I had a good coat, I would go out in it. Not that I'm a glutton for punishment. It doesn't come pouring down. They're just gentle showers.

I think I will go change my bed and lie down in it. I'm ready to read that book and I'm ready to go to sleep, I think. I hope I don't wake up in the middle of the night. I must stay in bed and read and try to go back to sleep if I do. I think that's the best solution. I think getting up and drinking coffee is not at all a good idea. Why did I ever think it was? How silly of me.

Tyke's done climbing on the table and has settled down by my feet. He has the right idea. He knows it's bedtime. I think Gandhi has gone out no matter what the weather is like. She does have to prowl the neighborhood. I'm sure she has her dry spots to hang out in.

Sleep tight, have a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

In the morning...

I think I've slept sufficiently enough and now I'm ready to start the day. I woke up before my alarm clock went off, but I'm fit as a fiddle and wide awake. I'm drinking my first cup of coffee and will have another one shortly. It sure tastes good this morning as coffee does some days. Maybe that's because I just opened a new pack and the coffee is fresh. I inhaled it deeply when I did.

I'm going to see my SPN this morning after failing to see her last week because I slept through the time for the appointment. I will make no such error today. I'm looking forward to seeing her because I've been feeling very sane lately and it will be good to talk to her under those circumstances. Not that I normally feel that crazy, you mustn't get that impression, but lately I know what I'm doing very well. I feel very normal. It's nice to have your head screwed on straight and to know it.

Tyke's tennis ball was temporarily lost, but I just retrieved it from underneath the sofa and needless to say, he's bouncing it around the living room now and pretty soon I'll have to get involved in the game also. Right now he's managing without me. As long as he's amused for a while, I'm happy.

It's cold out today and it's going to rain again. Right now it is only 15C and it's even cool inside, which is about time. I'm wearing my bathrobe because I'm sitting in a draft. I would have been thrilled about that last month, but now my feet are cold. I'm not going to close the windows, though. I won't do that until frost threatens and that's a few months away yet. Knock on wood.

For the past 15 minutes I've hardly been able to type because Tyke has involved me in his game and I've also had to retrieve the tennis ball from hard to get to places numerous times. I think he displaces them on purpose. He comes to me with a sorrowful looking face and leads me to the spot where the ball is stuck. He's so happy when I find it.

I've got to stop writing because I have to get the show on the road. I have to get showered and dressed and take Tyke for a walk. It's not raining yet, so I have to take the opportunity while I can.

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Reinvention...

I try to have something sensible to say every night that I sit here, but I think I fail every time that I do. More often than not I repeat myself and tell you what a delicious cup of coffee I am having. I've just had another one and that's the best I can do.

Coffee tastes great, but I'm convinced that it makes you very thirsty and causes you to want to drink many glasses of cold milk, which is what I'm going to do next, like I do every night. There's never any surprise.

I am a person of routines, there's no doubt about that, and I will not suddenly do something out of the ordinary like run around the block half naked in the middle of the night in a rain shower, although it is not raining right now. I'm limited in the crazy things I can do, partly due to the lack in my imagination and partly due to the shortage of means to carry them out. I can't suddenly drive to Paris and park my car under the Arc de Triomphe. I think I need a similarly minded person to do those things with and who has the means to do them.

When I say I am a person of routines, I think that is only partially true. I think I have enough adventurous blood in me to go out and look for interesting things to do. They are just not within my means to do so. I'm very limited on my budget and by transport and very rarely can do anything truly out of the ordinary. I would very much like to take on a big adventure, but I simply don't have the independent means.

Which takes me right back to this night here and my actual situation of sitting here behind my computer by my desk lamp with my glass of milk and my cigarette. I travel long distances in my mind and through the help of the books I read. In my imagination I go everywhere.I've read so many descriptions of so many places, and of course, I've seen a lot too. I have been places in my lifetime, so I'm not a stranger to the world.

I finished "Here on Earth" and started reading "The Drowning Season" also by Alice Hoffman. I'm just at the beginning, so I can't say much about it yet, but I think I'm going to like it, just as I liked the former book. It ended up not happy so much, but the main character ended up being safe in the end and that was the most important thing, and she was ever so much wiser, although she learned a hard lesson. Isn't that the way we all learn them, though?

I'm not happy with the design of my blog and I'm going to have to do something about it. The links are unreadable and I don't like the background of it. I may go back to the simple template and maybe choose a different background. I'll have to see. I can spend some time on it tonight.

Have a happy morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Enough sleep...

After I walked Tyke this morning, I decided to go back to bed immediately. I was still tired and I wasn't in the mood to do my chores, feeling unable to face them as sleepy as I was. I climbed into my bed and read for a little while and fell sound asleep. I didn't wake up until 1:30 pm.

I was surprised that I had slept for such a long time, but I felt great when I got up, though totally not in the mood to do anything. I turned on the computer and read blogs and comments and wiled away the time. I didn't in the least bit feel bad about not doing any of the chores I was supposed to do. I was the one who had told myself to do them and I would do them when I was good and ready.

I did take Tyke for another walk and he was happy for it. You can't neglect your dog, no matter how lazy you feel. I wonder if it is laziness I feel or just plain exhaustion, considering I slept so much yesterday too. It could be mental tiredness, because I do suffer from that quickly and what seems like an ordinary day to most people can be very tiring to me and I may be putting in more effort than seems apparent.

Likewise when I say I'm very normal and sane. When I say that, I'm probably less sane than I claim to be. It's when I'm less sure that I'm more sane. I think a lot of times I'm not normal at all and I don't know how many of you feel that you are. It's all very well to go around and claim that you are, but it's another thing to actually be it. I think on the crazy scale I'm more often closer to crazy than I am normal. It's exhausting to try and appear normal all the time and to constantly have to check if you are and pass the test.

I think I really ought not to give a darn and just be as I am and not worry about how I come across. That's very brave of me to say, but I wonder if I can do it? Can anybody do that? It would be a world full of eccentrics. I suppose social pressure forces us to adapt to a certain extent. I just wish it wasn't so much. I would feel a lot more freedom if I didn't have an internal judge guarding over me constantly who checked if I behaved socially acceptable. Do you have someone watching over you like that too?

I'm drinking my third glass of milk. I have an unquenchable thirst. I think I will make myself a cup of coffee next and make sure I save enough milk until the next shopping trip. I always have to count the containers of milk and the days left until the Exfactor goes shopping again. I usually make it, but not if I drink it like water from an oasis.

Sometimes, when Tyke is stretched out on the floor, it takes me a while to figure out what's the top of him and what's the bottom. I just had to take a good hard look to find out. I couldn't figure out where his head was, because his eyes were closed and there were all these ears and legs sticking out that looked alike. He is cute once you figure it out. He looks like a big stuffed animal that you want to cuddle with.

I'm teaching him to fetch now and he's slowly catching on. We're doing it with an old pair of rolled up socks, because he likes them a lot. We also found a tennis ball today on our walk and brought that home. He's been playing with that and hasn't demolished it yet. I'll use that to play fetch with next. It will bounce really well. Hopefully I won't break anything in the apartment.

There, I've completely wasted the day. I haven't done anything useful but write some posts and play with the dog and the living room and the kitchen are a reflection of that. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully I won't waste half of it with sleeping. I do want to get some things done. I really need to be over this wish to sleep now. My bed can't become that much of an attraction, nor can the sofa for that matter. They are both to be stayed away from.

I hope you all have a good evening. The weather was nice here today. It wasn't too warm and a pleasant breeze was blowing. It should always be like this.

Ciao,
Nora

A long nap...

I took a three hour nap this evening and now, of course, I find myself wide awake, so the planning may not have been all that great. Regardless, I needed it, as I was feeling quite down and out and could think of no better solution than to go to sleep. It did make me feel better and I was in much better shape when I woke up. Now I've had one cup of coffee and one glass of milk and I'm about to have another one for the sake of my thirst. I don't quite know what to do, as a long night stretches out ahead of me and I don't feel tired now and I won't go to bed for awhile.

I've got an ache in my upper back from sitting improperly behind the computer and I'm now making an effort to sit especially straight with my body upright, so I won't slouch. This is causing the muscles in my back to ache, but it's better than getting an ache from sitting bent over sideways. You do develop bad habits when bent over the keyboard. I imagine it's just a cramp that's gotten a hold of me and I've just taken a painkiller so I can sit here comfortably. It will take awhile for it to work. In the meantime I'm figuring out the most comfortable ways to sit.

I don't know if it's such a good idea to write about my depression, because there seems to be some misunderstanding about how I should tackle it. I will just mention it casually in passing now and then and not dwell on it too much, although I have a great desire to write about it and that is one thing that this blog is all about. So, I'm feeling stifled., that's true, and I don't know if that is just. If I don't follow up on suggestions, people will say I ignore good advice. If I say I'm not capable of it, they will say that I boycott my own process at getting better.

My high tops are comfortable, except in the places where my toes are already sore from my other shoes. That's mostly on my right foot on my big toe and my little toe. They must have been pinched a lot and now I'm finding out. Still, I can walk in them fairly well and I took Tyke for a longer walk yesterday afternoon. It was overcast and 23C and not all that unpleasant to walk in. We'll go for another long walk today with the personal helper who will be here in the morning. I was making a list for her with future goals that seem unattainable right now and that will have to be put on hold. I can't, in this frame of mind, attempt any more than I'm doing and that's enough. I don't want to add anything to it.

I go from being wide awake to being half asleep. I think in a little while I will have to go to bed. I want to stay up, but I think it is impossible. Sleep will force me to the bedroom. The good thing about being awake during the night is that I don't feel half as mad as I do during the day.

Ciao,
Nora

The early morning...

I woke up to the same scene this morning as I did yesterday. The dog and Gandhi on the pillow and Toby next to me on the bed, very cozily, and I hate to upset the idyllic little scene, because everybody thinks they need to get up when I do. The cats think I will do interesting things in the kitchen, which I do, because if their milk dish is empty, or if the milk has gone sour, they get new milk straight from the refrigerator and they love that. The dog wants a treat, but he only gets one if he has gone out back for a piddle, so he does a small one to satisfy me and then gets his treat and goes back to sleep. I should know by now that this is our routine, but every morning the animals need to remind me that this is what we do. Well, I can't be expected to perform flawlessly first thing in the morning. I need to have some coffee first.

Yesterday afternoon, at around 3 o'clock, the same feelings of loathing and despair started sneaking up on me as they had the day before. I tried to outwit them for a while, but realized that I needed to go to sleep. I laid down on the sofa in a meditative position and closed my eyes and tuned out everything around me and inside of me and very soon afterwards, I fell asleep and slept for nearly two hours. I felt much better when I woke up, but I felt that I could have slept more, and later in the evening fell asleep watching TV. When I woke up, I took my medication and went straight to bed and slept until 4 o'clock this morning.

I think I need to remember that it is this time of year again, when I always have a harder time and I'm a little bit crazier than I am the rest of the time. It's when the leaves start changing color and start falling from the trees when I do, the same as I do when in the springtime the leaves start coming on the trees. Those are my crazy periods and my father had them too. It is more noticeable now that I live in a country with four seasons, where before in California I don't remember being so aware of that. I think my crazy periods were more haphazard, though they may have been seasonably bound, but I don't remember, because, like everything in my past, it is all very fuzzy and hard to recall.

I do know, for instance, that traveling to the United States makes me depressed and traveling back to Europe makes me hypo manic. That has something to do with the time difference, so I don't like traveling to the States, because I arrive there feeling very down and unable to get over it for the relatively short time that I'm there. When I get back to Europe, I'm full of energy and I have no jet lag and can adjust to the local time with no effort at all. I hate to disappoint my daughter by not going there, but that is the real reason. I'm not much fun when I'm depressed and I feel like a ball and chain around her leg, unable to cheer myself up, try as I might.

That's just a bit of information I thought I'd throw in gratuitously. The rhythm of the days and nights, and the hours of daylight, make such a difference in your mood. If you are susceptible to that. I being a Northern European am. By all rights I should be going into hibernation now, or moving to a sunny southern country. Many Northern Europeans move to Spain in the wintertime, especially people who live in Scandinavia where it really gets dark in winter.

Shortly we're going to have daylight saving time and that is really going to throw me for a loop. It will get so dark so early in the afternoon and I will always get up much too early in the morning. It will take a while before I get used to that. I wish we'd do away with it altogether, but I am just a lonely voice who can't make a difference. If there were a petition, I would sign it, but would it stand a chance?

Well. that's all very well, but now I have to get dressed and get the show on the road. I have creative therapy this morning and I'm going to be working on my third painting. The second one is done and I need to get the first two home with the help of my sister and her car. I can't transport them by bike. The wind will catch them and blow them to smithereens, that is if I were to take them one at the time.

Have a good morning. No doubt you will see me here again later today. I have an award to give away.

Ciao,
Nora.

Today...

I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon. Every time I see him, he teaches me something about myself in a parable. He tells it in such a way, that it is completely understandable to me and that makes it really sink in and leaves me wiser when I walk out the door. He is like a wise guru and I am his student and every time I see him, I have to learn a lesson.

It was very fortunate that I had an appointment with him today, because today of all days I needed it very much. I started off my day with a huge panic attack that would not end and I thought it was going to drive me around the bend and I feared for my sanity.

The reason for my panic attack was that I had received two big bills from two different companies that I was in dispute over and I had to make some phone calls about them and I knew I was not going to be treated nicely and that I was not going to have the winning hand, and the more I thought about it, the more precarious my situation seemed to me.

I tried to call my SPN, but could not get a hold of her, and as a matter of fact, she did not call me back until just now, when the whole thing is behind me. I took an extra tranquilizer on top of the ones I normally take, but nothing seemed to be able to calm me down, until I finally sought my refuge in self damage and that worked, and after I had taken care of the wound and dressed it, I was able to make the phone calls with no good results for me. All I got was a stay of execution to try and get the money together.

They are playing an unfair game and I am the victim of it, but they've got me by the balls and are threatening with fines and collection agencies, and I can't prove my right, no matter what I say.

Anyway. What I had was a nervous breakdown and at one point I was crying and the dog was so confused and didn't know what to do. It was all just awful, but now it is all behind me and I have done what I could and I got to discuss my reaction and my behavior with my psychiatrist.

I don't know where I was on the crazy scale. I think way off the top, probably.

I'm not happy discussing this with you, but I feel it must be said. The fact is, I'm just an unhappy camper right now and I guess that's not so strange after today. I have to live with the results of it.

It is so hot in here and I finally got smart enough to open both the kitchen window and the back door and now I've got a decent draft going that's very refreshing. I've got the blinds closed of the living room windows, so the sun won't shine in them so much. It does make me feel cooped up, but it's worth it.

Jesker is eating his evening meal after barking very loudly to let us all know that it was time for it and nobody better touch it. Now he is doing his after dinner exercises, which means rolling on the ground and rubbing his nose on the area carpet. Gandhi is very disappointed, because there were no leftovers. She is laying on the ground like the Queen of Sheba, being very regal and aloof and oh, so untouchable. She knows she's very pretty. Toby is outside in the flowerbed under the winter blooming jasmine. He's decided that's his place to observe things and be king of the mountain off.

I'm the Queen of the dramas and the ever changing moods. Don't throw anything complicated my way, please. I'll make a bet with you that I can't handle it gracefully, though I am supposed to learn. See what a difference there is between me yesterday and today. Tomorrow morning I'm seeing my SPN and I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about. The bandage is very hot around my arm and the wound hurts, I think I'll take some paracetamol.

That's all I have to share with you today. A lot of confusion. It's tough being a grown up. I think sometimes I'm not quite ready for it.

Ciao...

The crazy scale...

It's dark in the living room, as I have no lights on and the day is cloudy. We are expecting rain later, but in preparation of it, the clouds have been moving in all day and it has been nothing but overcast and cool. I like this, of course, and I have the back door open for a nice cool draft, which the dog likes too, because he likes to casually wander out there and pee against a tree when the notion hits him. He does like to assert himself and his territorial rights. I don't know how the cats feel about that, because it is really their patio on which they hang out, but I don't think they begrudge the dog his occasional assertion of his rights.

After I did the dishes last night and before I got the vacuum out, I decided to take the dog to the vet. His eyes had started getting worse again, as I had been checking them several times a day and they had turned red again under the upper lids. He also needed new medication for his osteoarthritis as I noticed that his front paws were bothering him and he was kind of shaky on them at times. He had also started scratching himself and needed flea drops before that got out of hand.

About his eyes, the vet said that he hardly makes natural tears and that this dries his eyes out and makes them susceptible to bacteria, so he got an ointment against the drying out and an ointment against the bacteria and we are going to constantly have to apply these. We came home with 4 packages of goodies and a bill for the Exfactor who is financially responsible for the dog's vet bills, which is good, because I could not afford them. He is not going to be thrilled about this bill, but there is not much I can do about it.

So, that's what I did yesterday instead of vacuuming and it was hot and muggy and by the time I got home, I was tired and sweaty, and the dog was also worn out from the sheer nerves of going to the vet and panting so much. I applied the flea drops and the ointments and now we hope for the best. I want to take the best possible care of him and do the right thing as long as we are able to. He's such a sweet dog, but, of course, everybody thinks that about their dog, and you love them for their very presence in your life. I mustn't even think about him not being here anymore.

This morning I had ergo therapy and I did have a short moment when I sat at the dining table that I didn't want to go, but I made myself and I'm glad I did, because it was worth it. We were with a small group and could take some time to explain where we were in our lives and what was happening with us and I said that I no longer wanted to be a victim of my moods, but wanted to have control over them and decide for myself how far a mood would take me, or if I was going to have a certain mood at all and to what point.

The therapist asked me if I was able to control that and I said that surprisingly, yes, I was learning to to some extent. That I am not a helpless victim of my moods that just take me where they will, but that I can actively put a halt to them or bend them around in another direction.

The therapist asked me how I did that and I said that I used the "crazy scale." She asked me what that was and I explained that I checked my behavior to see if it was still within the normal range all the time, and that as long as it was, everything is okay. There are certain kinds of behavior that I have that I consider "crazy" and when I start to do these things, I know that I have to run interference quickly. So that is my crazy scale. I check my thoughts and behavior against it regularly to see if I'm still on the right path and let's be honest, everybody knows what normal is and what is crazy.

This became a new catchword throughout the session and the therapist kept talking about Irene's crazy scale and how she wants to keep that one in the vocabulary. But you know, it really works and I can test any thought I have against it and say, nah, that's crazy! Or yes, that's normal. I know more than I thought I did. I can be my own guardian and my own test driver.

Now I'm sitting here very jolly having not done a bloody thing but walked Jesker and fed him, and answered all my emails and took care of some Bookmooch business. I got my first book in the mail today and I'm pleased as punch about that and I have a special section in the bookcase for new books that I get through the mail from Bookmooch.

I have also moved my hardy fern to a kinder environment, because it needs filtered light and more water, so now it sits on the kitchen windowsill beside another plant that needs extra care, and I will remember to water it all the time. It was almost dying of thirst and too much sunlight where it was, so I had to find the right place for it and the kitchen windowsill is the best place for plants that don't do well. That need nurturing.

Now it is getting to be that time of the day again. Things are slowing down. I'm yawning, which probably means I'm in need of food and a glass of juice, but I still have a full cup of coffee sitting here. Toby keeps looking at me very expectantly, but I don't know what he wants. He has kibbles and water and he doesn't want milk, so I don't know what to do for him, unless he wants me to run the kitchen faucet for him, which he likes. I guess I'll try that... No, that's not it either. I give up.

You know, it's very difficult to get a dog awake who is hard of hearing. I try it with Jesker and I have to make all sorts of noise to try and get him to react. In the end, giving him a gentle shove is what works.

I hope you had a good day, or that you are still having it. Have a pleasant evening anyway. I am going to try and read without falling asleep.

Ciao...