My home is my castle.

I am sitting here with a certain amount of stress that I'm trying not to feel and I'm doing whatever I can to get rid of it. I have just taken my medicines and poured a fresh cup of coffee and I hope that these two things will make a difference. I am also trying to pep myself up inside and telling myself that there is no reason to feel this amount of unease. I feel as if I have done something wrong and as if the sword of Damocles is hanging over my head and is about to cleave it in two.

 

Looking back in my memory on this day, I can't think of one single act that would have brought on this feeling and I'm puzzled why I am bothered by it now. Sometimes my mind is a total mystery and I feel like I have to cure whatever is wrong by equally mysterious rituals. If I just get the elements and the order right, everything will be well again, but god only knows what they are. I imagine being a heathen and being at the mercy of a totally unknown fate and bringing as many sacrifices as I can.

 

Being a modern, Western-European woman, I can't find my faith in that kind of process, so I have to work it out some other way. I can use psychology and analyze myself and my deeds and instantly forgive myself for whatever I didn't get right. Isn't that easy? I can even forgive myself without understanding one bit of it. That's how modern day thinking works. I can be instantly happy again and only have to feel bad for a little while. It doesn't matter that the world around me is going to hell in a hand basket, I can be happy and feel good about myself.

 

I wonder if it is an overdose to the news of the global village that makes us cynical and self centered and so concerned with our own happiness. We have never known so much about the world around us as we do now and we have never been as selfish. I wonder how much empathy we are at all capable of still? It seems like we all have to fight for our own survival. It seems like that. Whether or not that is actually true is another matter altogether. A part of the population of this earth doesn't know how good it has it.  

Allergies.

I am pretty sure that I am allergic to plain old cow's milk. I don't drink it very often anymore, but when I do, I immediately get a stomachache and the eczema on my head starts itching badly. I also get congested. I think it is because I drink it less often now, that the reaction is stronger and more noticeable. I must have subconsciously suspected this, because I have made the last supply of milk last for an awful long time. I have not had one tall glass after another the way I used to drink it in the past. At least I have become wiser about another aspect of my diet. I will now only use milk to cook with.

 

Luckily, to quench my thirst, there are the tall glasses of ice cold lemonade and, not to forget, the orange flavored soft drink. I am perfectly satisfied with them and they cost about the same as milk does. And, of course, I will not give up eating vanilla custard, because I don't think it gives me the same problems as milk does. I will have to pay attention to that the next time I eat it. It may turn out that I will only be able to eat goat's milk yogurt. Not that it is such a terrible thing, because I eat it gladly.

 

I can't believe that it is Friday again already and I must say that the week has flown by. I haven't done anything important with it, except get through it as well as possible, although that wasn't all that difficult either. I have watched tennis on television since right now the Roland Garros tournament is taking place, but the Dutch players are not doing well at all. I don't have to watch it for their sake. I do enjoy watching the really good players a lot, but it is a shame that the games are interrupted by rain. It is said that in five years time, the main court will be covered by a roof and we are all in anticipation of that.

 

I suppose I will go back to bed and sleep for a few more hours. Sensible people do that and I like to be counted among them. At least it is that time that I can take my morning dose of medicines already, so I will wake up next in a good mood.

 

 

Hunger is what drives me.

Before I get to eat dinner, several things have to happen first, and one of them is that the hands on the clock have to move around a few more times. So as you see, I should not get excited yet, but I am full of anticipation, because dinner is my favorite meal and I look forward to it all day. I try to not spoil my appetite ahead of time by eating anything in the afternoon, and when it is dinnertime, I am well and truly hungry. I do allow myself the odd glass of lemonade for a quick pick me up, but that hardly fills my stomach.

 

When I went grocery shopping last, I bought the 'light' variety of dried kibbles for Tyke, and he likes them better than the other variety I had and ate almost a whole bowl full of them. Who would have thought that, although I had hoped for it. The animals are full of surprises, because Gandhi is eating the kibbles for cats that have been standing around on the kitchen shelf for a couple of months. It was either feed them to her, or throw them out, and she likes them. The box wasn't sealed that well either.

 

In my search for a box to put my assorted, unfiled paperwork in, I ran across more envelopes with photos and several empty albums, so you can all guess how I spent my morning. I had a very good time picking out the photos that were the most meaningful to me and that I had not looked at in ages. I filled two and a half albums and I hope to run into more photos. I found many of my children and those are, of course, the most precious to me, but there is the time when they were teenagers that they were especially so. I treasure that time a lot and those photos also.

 

As of today, I have decided to only wear my glasses when I am sitting behind the computer, or when I am watching television, or when I am reading a book. I think they are already not good enough anymore, or maybe they never were. At any rate, I am too vain to wear them al the time and I like my face so much better without them. Now, I do have to remember to take them off and place them on my desk before I go out, but I will get used to that. I get a headache if I try to watch television without them, but the news-text is not as well defined as it should be.

 

Tyke has woken up from his afternoon nap on the bed and I have to take him for a walk. It is a cloudy and dreary day and I have the thermostat turned up. One day it will really be springtime.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In case of happiness...

Tonight I am in possession of a serious dose of sense and sensibility, and I am glad of that, because last night I was full of piss and vinegar. I think I remember several people mentioning the full moon these past couple of days, and maybe that influenced my mind, although I am not claiming to be a lunatic by any means. I don't know if my behavior is influenced by the state of the moon the way ebb and high tide are, and I tend to think that these are old wives' tales that are told. The statistics don't prove it anyway. For now I will believe that my silliness last night was just a chance occurrence.

 

I just poured the last glass of orange soft drink and think I should nurture it and not drink it so quickly, but as usual, I am very thirsty and can't get enough of it. It is really not such a horrible thing, because I have a full two liters of milk that are on their past due date and that I should drink as soon as possible before they go bad. I will willingly sacrifice myself and have tall glasses of it in a little while. I am not the milk drinker I used to be and had overestimated how much I should buy of it.

 

For dinner yesterday, I made pasta with a cream sauce and a whole basket of mushrooms, sliced and fried in butter with Italian herbs. Mushrooms are high in protein, so I figured that I didn't need a meat replacement. I will have the same meal tonight, because I have another basket of mushrooms and I don't want them to go bad. I didn't eat applesauce with this meal, because I didn't think that would be all that tasty, but the next time I eat potatoes and vegetables, I will. You can have too much of a good thing.

 

I can't wait to go grocery shopping again, but I am going to have to wait a few days, because I haven't run out of supplies yet. I am learning what is nutritious and what I like to eat and what is most filling too. I do know that I have an enormous appetite, but I have had that my whole life. I do enjoy eating and by that I don't mean eating snacks that spoil your appetite for dinner. Dinner is a holy meal that needs to be looked forward to and enjoyed completely, and you need an empty stomach to appreciate it.

 

 

 

 

Cheerful blogging...

I don't know why I should be so cheerful, except for the fact that I had three cups of coffee and I think the caffeine has gone to my head and made me a bit high. It is a wonderful experience and I can recommend it to anyone. It is a cheap and safe way to feel real good, but I am going to switch to the orange soft drink now, because the coffee has made me awfully thirsty. That is the one drawback of it, and beside that, I do have to get a handle on myself.

 

You can't say that I don't like my little thrills in the middle of the night, but I do know when enough is enough and when I have to talk myself down off cloud number nine. Maybe there is nothing as irritating as someone who is relentlessly cheerful in the face of everything. It may be possible to be too optimistic.

 

There, I feel more normal now and I think I have landed on earth again. That was a quick trip into the outer atmosphere and back again at the speed of sound. It was fun while it lasted, but I am happy to be back. Thank goodness that these altered states are always only temporary and that I don't get stuck in them, because they would wear me out. The soft drink must have sobering effects, or maybe the caffeine has just stopped affecting my brain and is already leaving my system.

 

I had a wonderful dinner of leftovers last night and had applesauce with everything. Leftovers are always the nicest food to have, because the flavors have blended together and heated up, they taste the best. I now realize that applesauce is the condiment of my choice and mayonnaise and ketchup are not, because they upset my stomach. I will have to make sure that I always have a pot of applesauce in the refrigerator to add to any food I am eating, disgusting as that may sound. It is a Dutch thing and makes any food edible.

 

I have already started a new shopping list on the white board in the kitchen and every time I turn around, I am adding an item to it. The white board had gotten a bit hard to clean, so I got out some nail polish remover and a paper towel and they removed all the traces of old ink and got it sparkling clean again, so there is no need to go out and get a special cleaner.

 

I found a cooking website on which there are many innovative vegetarian recipes that I want to try when my American ex is here, because I do want to fix a variety of foods and make the experience as interesting as possible. I also found the recipes for making Nasi Goreng and Satay Sauce the authentic way and I am going to try them. I may turn into the kitchen princess I used to be yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photos and photo albums...

I felt awful when I got up this morning. My throat hurt and my glands were sore and I was stuffed up and coughing. I was seriously worried that I was getting sick and made up my mind to talk myself out of it. I took my medicines and some paracetamol and had a few cups of coffee, after which I took Tyke for a walk and when we got back home, I felt a lot better, although my glands still hurt. I think I probably am bothered by allergies and that problem should be sorted out soon, because it's going to rain this evening and tomorrow too. All the pollen will be washed out of the air.

 

I decided to spend some time pleasantly and I sorted through the photos that were stored in a big box in the dresser drawer in the living room. I found a lot of my daughter and her son when he was about 18 months old and such an adorable little kid. I found an album that I could put them in and had a lot of fun doing that.

 

I also found a lot of black and white photos of my father when he was serving with the engineers in the Dutch East Indies during the war there. He looks very handsome in his uniform and I added those photos to an album that I had already started filling with old black and white photos of my mother. The album is full now and I put it with the other ones on the bookcase.

 

I also found some other smaller albums that I had completely forgotten the existence of and looked through them. I found a wonderful photo of my son and put that in a frame that is sitting on my desk now, so I can look at him all the time. I put the smaller albums on the bookcase too. Little by little, I am able to look at all the photos and can be confronted with the memories and not have them hurt me. It was a long journey until I got to that point.  

 

The Exfactor has brought by the ibuprofen and the applesauce and the ibuprofen is working very well. I haven't tasted the applesauce yet, but I will for dinner this evening. The Exfactor also fixed the latch on the gate, which is really a job I could have done myself, but I like to ask him to do jobs for me, because I think it is good for his self esteem. They are my tools, but his muscles. Sometimes you have to act a little more helpless than you really are.