Saturday, May 08, 2010

A tough day.

Because of what I considered to be unpleasant and unhelpful comments, I have deleted the new blog and resurrected the old blog. It is my hope that nobody will be aware of that and that I can blog in peace and quiet. I tried to start a new blog, but Blogger was being difficult about my identity and wanted to send a verification code to my mobile phone. That was too much of a hassle to me. I hope that by now everybody had forgotten about this blog and that no one has bookmarked it anymore. It's my experience that it's better not to write for an audience, but to just sit here and write my thoughts down as if no one is reading them and to expect no comments in return. People get the wrong impression from you easily through your writing and you have to be careful what you say.

After having been up most of the night, I finally went to sleep at about 8 o'clock in the morning and slept until 1 pm, only to wake up in a terribly depressed mood, which did not improve when I read the comments to my latest post on my other blog. My world fell apart. I cried for hours. Even now I don't know what to do, except keep myself safe from as many outside influences as possible and try to find my own way through the swamp that is my mind. That is, with the help of my psychiatrist and my SPN, but they are not available now. Right now I'm on my own and I have to be a tough cookie to get through this weekend.

It's hard to have the domestic help and the personal helper in my life. I feel that I should not let them down, but I hardly have the energy to keep them happy. I'm being accused of dramatizing my life, so I guess I had better watch what I say. I would like to live my life without any help at all, but I think it is not possible, because if I chose for that, I would be accused of boycotting the effort to help me.

I only know that as time passes, I seem to be getting worse instead of better. I find it harder to stand in the world by myself and I feel godawful lonely. I have no illusions of that changing. I find it difficult to know what to do. I don't know what I can discuss anymore.



Gail said...

You discuss anything you want to is your blog and to hell with the crappy comments. If they don't like what you say, don't read it.

You could use the comment approval thing and block them that way.

I love all your posts, no matter the voice you use, these are all the parts that make up a person I am delighted to know.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. I've been away from blogland for the last couple of days so I didn't see those comments. I'm so sorry that you've received input from other people that has upset you so much. That is definitely not what blogging should be about.

Also I think it's difficult that people are suggesting (from what you've said about dramatizing) that you're not really experiencing life in the way in which you are in fact experincing it. This just shows a complete lack of understanding of what you are facing.

Obviously given your bi-polar and BPD you are bound to find life a more dramatic experience than people who don't suffer from those conditions. Also you have had events in your life which are pretty dramatic by anybody's standards. You write it the way you feel it.

I know if criticism comes from someone close then it hurts so much more. But just because someone is close to you does NOT mean they understand or are even capable of understanding.

People can only understand to the extent of what they have been through in their own heads.

Obviously it would be more helpful to you if readers can empathise and validate your experience. But ultimately whatever you are currently feeling and going through IS valid whatever anyone else thinks or writes.

I worry about your feelings of loneliness. Blogging is your way of reaching out to others to make yourself and us feel less alone in all this. But there is always your sister and the Ex-factor who care about you when you need real world contact. Are you able to pick up the phone to them?

Don't forget to call the crisis team if you feel really bad - they gave you good advice the last time which did ease things a little.

Also, just email me if you want to.

(((HUGS))) and Love,
Bearfriend xxxxxx

Maggie May said...

Delete crappy comments Nora. it is your blog!

My head is in a whirl with your blogs, do you know that?!!!!!!
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Bernie said...

I know I commented on you changing your meds Nora but in no way did I mean to upset you. I only worry when you take 5 times the amount you were suppose to. Your blog is yours to write how you feel and this is good....I do hope you will sleep better tonight and also know how much I sincerely care about you.......:-)Hugs

Twain12 said...

i'm sorry too that the comments upset you.I hope you have a better night tonight !!

Frances said...

People love you and care about you Irene. That's why they are upset when you take dangerous actions instead of asking for help. You know your daughter and your tough friends care very much about you. No-one doubts you are ill, but when you are ill, you need help. Self-medicating to overdose levels isn't helpful.
I am presuming your remarks are about my and Bernie's comments, though you may have received more later. I will withdraw myself from commenting as you don't appreciate getting what you asked me always to do, which is to tell you my real reactions however hard.
I don't want to be hurtful to you and I am not capable of lying to you about my thoughts.
Hope that is good for you.

Keep well dear friend. You can do it. Seek help whenever you need it.