Because of what I considered to be unpleasant and unhelpful comments, I have deleted the new blog and resurrected the old blog. It is my hope that nobody will be aware of that and that I can blog in peace and quiet. I tried to start a new blog, but Blogger was being difficult about my identity and wanted to send a verification code to my mobile phone. That was too much of a hassle to me. I hope that by now everybody had forgotten about this blog and that no one has bookmarked it anymore. It's my experience that it's better not to write for an audience, but to just sit here and write my thoughts down as if no one is reading them and to expect no comments in return. People get the wrong impression from you easily through your writing and you have to be careful what you say.
After having been up most of the night, I finally went to sleep at about 8 o'clock in the morning and slept until 1 pm, only to wake up in a terribly depressed mood, which did not improve when I read the comments to my latest post on my other blog. My world fell apart. I cried for hours. Even now I don't know what to do, except keep myself safe from as many outside influences as possible and try to find my own way through the swamp that is my mind. That is, with the help of my psychiatrist and my SPN, but they are not available now. Right now I'm on my own and I have to be a tough cookie to get through this weekend.
It's hard to have the domestic help and the personal helper in my life. I feel that I should not let them down, but I hardly have the energy to keep them happy. I'm being accused of dramatizing my life, so I guess I had better watch what I say. I would like to live my life without any help at all, but I think it is not possible, because if I chose for that, I would be accused of boycotting the effort to help me.
I only know that as time passes, I seem to be getting worse instead of better. I find it harder to stand in the world by myself and I feel godawful lonely. I have no illusions of that changing. I find it difficult to know what to do. I don't know what I can discuss anymore.