I have chest pains and I have a headache. These are psychosomatic pains. I'm not having a heart attack and I'm not having a migraine. It's just my stress translating itself into physical symptoms. If I were a hypochondriac I would be going to my GP now and demanding all sorts of tests and pills. Luckily, I know the pain is all between my ears. There was a time when I didn't know that and my stress really did translate itself into physical ailments, such as a dislocated jaw from grinding my teeth, and a herniated disc, and stress induced asthma and a host of other defects. My poor body took the blows that my mind suffered but didn't register. I rarely have something wrong physically now, but I sure do get screwed up mentally.
Except that today I have chest pains and a headache and I think that's because I'm trying so desperately to be more cheerful than I am. I want to act like nothing is really wrong, but the thought of having to do the dishes and the laundry defeats me and I can barely think of the thought of having to perform these minor chores. I feel beat before I've even started them.
What I really want to do is sleep some more on the sofa. although I slept another six hours last night. I know that isn't really enough, but for me that is a lot and I'm very pleased with myself. I know I need to sleep more and I probably will allow myself the pleasure when I'm done writing this. I have to, because right now I feel overwhelmed by the details of life, although they are all minor and shouldn't have such an impact. To me they seem like insurmountable obstacles that I won't be able to move out of my way and that hang over my head like so many swords of Damocles. The longer I don't do anything about them, the worse it gets.
I really do need someone in my life to help me take care of these things. I wish I could gather the energy and the courage to take care of them myself, because I know what needs to get done. It's the carrying out that's the problem. I'm good at organizing, I just need to be able to delegate.
It's with some worry in my heart that I look at the rest of the day. I have to get enough rest to be able to do my chores. I have to get things organized by tomorrow when I have an appointment with my SPN and when the personal helper is coming. I'm not looking forward to either event. Too much energy will have to go into them and I don't have any to spare right now. It's not my regular personal helper either, as she's on vacation. I'm not pleased about that. For two weeks I have to do with someone else who speaks Dutch with a very heavy French accent. It's not my cup of tea.
I'll leave you now, in a minor mood, to go sleep on the sofa. Maybe I'll feel better after a long nap.