Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Another six hours...

I have chest pains and I have a headache. These are psychosomatic pains. I'm not having a heart attack and I'm not having a migraine. It's just my stress translating itself into physical symptoms. If I were a hypochondriac I would be going to my GP now and demanding all sorts of tests and pills. Luckily, I know the pain is all between my ears. There was a time when I didn't know that and my stress really did translate itself into physical ailments, such as a dislocated jaw from grinding my teeth, and a herniated disc, and stress induced asthma and a host of other defects. My poor body took the blows that my mind suffered but didn't register. I rarely have something wrong physically now, but I sure do get screwed up mentally.

Except that today I have chest pains and a headache and I think that's because I'm trying so desperately to be more cheerful than I am. I want to act like nothing is really wrong, but the thought of having to do the dishes and the laundry defeats me and I can barely think of the thought of having to perform these minor chores. I feel beat before I've even started them.

What I really want to do is sleep some more on the sofa. although I slept another six hours last night. I know that isn't really enough, but for me that is a lot and I'm very pleased with myself. I know I need to sleep more and I probably will allow myself the pleasure when I'm done writing this. I have to, because right now I feel overwhelmed by the details of life, although they are all minor and shouldn't have such an impact. To me they seem like insurmountable obstacles that I won't be able to move out of my way and that hang over my head like so many swords of Damocles. The longer I don't do anything about them, the worse it gets.

I really do need someone in my life to help me take care of these things. I wish I could gather the energy and the courage to take care of them myself, because I know what needs to get done. It's the carrying out that's the problem. I'm good at organizing, I just need to be able to delegate.

It's with some worry in my heart that I look at the rest of the day. I have to get enough rest to be able to do my chores. I have to get things organized by tomorrow when I have an appointment with my SPN and when the personal helper is coming. I'm not looking forward to either event. Too much energy will have to go into them and I don't have any to spare right now. It's not my regular personal helper either, as she's on vacation. I'm not pleased about that. For two weeks I have to do with someone else who speaks Dutch with a very heavy French accent. It's not my cup of tea.

I'll leave you now, in a minor mood, to go sleep on the sofa. Maybe I'll feel better after a long nap.



Twain12 said...

sending you love and strength Nora ♥

Gail said...

Sleep, sometimes, is a heal all. We will hope this time it is and pleasant dreams.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. I know just what it's like to feel defeated by seemingly small tasks. I don't have the answer. Sometimes I manage to force myself through them, but more often I just don't do them.

The stand in is foreign?

Hope you've had a good day.

Bearfriend xx

Bernie said...

I hoped you managed to work through your problems today Nora, and I do hope you get more rest.
........:-) Hugs

laurie said...

don't put too much pressure on yourself, dear. you've hit a rough patch. the chores will wait. six hours of sleep isn't very much; i can't function on that. do one small chore: stack the dirty plates. or make the bed. and then take a nap. don't push it; you don't need that kind of pressure.

when you wake up, youll feel better. pet tyke.

San said...

I haven't been around in a while, Nora, and I have to tell you: the current look of your blog is just stunning. I LOVE this design.

I'm sorry you're in physical pain. You're probably right. The forced cheeriness can bring on pain. The body knows. Take care of yourself, sweetie.

Wisewebwoman said...

My granny would always say, only one thing in life waits and that's housework.
And she was right. We won't remember the days we houseworked.
So if you need sleep or a lie down or go read, you give yourself the permission.

Frances said...

hope you managed to relax - sorry to hear you have a less sympa help, keep well and get as much sleep as you can. 6 hours sounds better than a while back, maybe you can fill up with a few naps?

Elaine said...

Just checking in. Hope you're ok. x

Twain12 said...

hope all those appointments went well

Anonymous said...

Necessity is the mother of invention................................................................