Sunday, May 09, 2010

Today on Sunday...

After having been up practically all night, I slept on the sofa for a while in the morning under the yellow fleece blanket with my bathrobe and my socks on. I didn't sleep long, because I was too sad for it. I was too sad to sleep. I woke up at nine o'clock and made myself some coffee. I turned on the computer and read some emails, but they started me crying almost immediately, and I turned the computer off. I don't even remember now which emails they were, but I seem to be very sensitive to emails right now, especially those pertaining to my blog.

I sat crying on the sofa for a while until I was done with that, but when the Exfactor got here, I started all over again. It seems that is about all I can do anymore, is cry. The tears just roll down my face spontaneously, without any effort.

The Exfactor stayed until he had to leave to go to work. That brought on more tears from me, although I certainly did not beg him to stay. I wouldn't do a thing like that. Things got worse in the afternoon and in my mind's eye I saw myself break every piece of furniture in the living room. I called the crisis line, but was told they were unavailable, because they were dealing with an emergency and it could take an hour.

An hour is a long time when you are going through a crisis yourself and I had to find a way to calm down, so I took an extra anti psychotic. I have the discretion to do that if I think I need one. It was working within half an hour and I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up a while ago. I don't feel like crying now.

The anti psychotics were reduced not too long ago from 6 mg to 4 mg and I wonder if that is part of the reason why I am having a hard time? It is a question I will have to ask my psychiatrist tomorrow.

There were a lot of emails in my in box just now and I started to answer them, but was defeated by the task. Sometimes it's all just too much and I don't know how to handle all of it. At least not in the state of mind I'm in, which is one of sadness and frustration, amongst other things. As I speak now, at this moment. I feel like I have a huge hangover too. Like I've been to a really bad party where horrible things happened. Things that should not have happened.

I worry about tomorrow. There are no groceries left in the apartment hardly and somehow I have to make it to the store. It fills me with terror. I'll try not to think about it now.



Elaine said...

I haven't commented yet. As you know, I rarely do these days, unless I am really really worried about you, and even then, what I have to say is meaningless.

I did read the comments which I think upset you. They were harsh, I thought. If there was truth in them, then perhaps it wasn't for those people to voice it. The last thing a person wants when they feel so low and desperate is criticism, and that's what I felt they contained.

Anyway....I'm glad Sunday is almost over. I hate the weekends too. Sending you a hug and letting you know that whoever you are, whatever you do, whatever mistakes you may or may not make, I will not judge you. In whatever capacity I can be here for you, I am, even if it is only in thought. I have felt the pressure of an inbox full of mail...I will not add to yours. I'm here if you fancy a chat. (((hugs)))

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. I can't believe that the crisis line have so few staff they can't talk to you for an hour. Just not good enough.

I'm glad you were able to take care of yourself by adjusting your meds.

I hope the personal helper or your sister are able to help you with the shopping tomorrow.

Don't worry about answering comments. Your readers understand that it's difficult right now.

We just want you to remember that we are thinking of you and care about you.

(((HUGS))) and Love from
Bearfriend xxxx

Maggie May said...

We are here for you, longing for you to get back to health........ you will, my friend.You will bounce back.
Don't worry about comments or emails for now.
Hope the Crisis Line will be able to help you soon and I hope that tomorrow goes just fine.

Nuts in May

Babaloo said...

Just popped my head out of my study books to say a quick Hello. Sorry to hear you're not doing well. Don't really know what else to say since I haven't read your posts (except this one, of course). Nothing to do but send you a BIG HUG.


Bernie said...

Nora why don't you turn your comment option off, that way you can say what is in your heart which is good for you to do and not worry about what your followers may say.....just leave it turned off sweetie until you feel like reading us.
I am glad the exfactor was there this morning and I am praying your day got better than your morning was.
I know you are not well and I know your pain is very real....I am keeping you in my heart and prayers always......:-) Hugs

Twain12 said...

sending you love..don't answer if you can't , do what you need to for yourself!!