After having been up practically all night, I slept on the sofa for a while in the morning under the yellow fleece blanket with my bathrobe and my socks on. I didn't sleep long, because I was too sad for it. I was too sad to sleep. I woke up at nine o'clock and made myself some coffee. I turned on the computer and read some emails, but they started me crying almost immediately, and I turned the computer off. I don't even remember now which emails they were, but I seem to be very sensitive to emails right now, especially those pertaining to my blog.
I sat crying on the sofa for a while until I was done with that, but when the Exfactor got here, I started all over again. It seems that is about all I can do anymore, is cry. The tears just roll down my face spontaneously, without any effort.
The Exfactor stayed until he had to leave to go to work. That brought on more tears from me, although I certainly did not beg him to stay. I wouldn't do a thing like that. Things got worse in the afternoon and in my mind's eye I saw myself break every piece of furniture in the living room. I called the crisis line, but was told they were unavailable, because they were dealing with an emergency and it could take an hour.
An hour is a long time when you are going through a crisis yourself and I had to find a way to calm down, so I took an extra anti psychotic. I have the discretion to do that if I think I need one. It was working within half an hour and I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up a while ago. I don't feel like crying now.
The anti psychotics were reduced not too long ago from 6 mg to 4 mg and I wonder if that is part of the reason why I am having a hard time? It is a question I will have to ask my psychiatrist tomorrow.
There were a lot of emails in my in box just now and I started to answer them, but was defeated by the task. Sometimes it's all just too much and I don't know how to handle all of it. At least not in the state of mind I'm in, which is one of sadness and frustration, amongst other things. As I speak now, at this moment. I feel like I have a huge hangover too. Like I've been to a really bad party where horrible things happened. Things that should not have happened.
I worry about tomorrow. There are no groceries left in the apartment hardly and somehow I have to make it to the store. It fills me with terror. I'll try not to think about it now.