Sunday, May 09, 2010

Sunday Morning.

It's starting to be the early hours of the morning, but I have been up since the early hours of the night and the peace and quiet remind me why I like to be up at this time. The advancing hours make me acutely aware of how little time there is left until daylight. I know I really need to be asleep now in order to live a healthy life, but I will miss these hours at night when I sit here by myself and I can pretend that all is well with the world and with me.

I find it difficult to know what to discuss on this blog. I feel like the whole world is watching me and judging me. I have thought about not blogging at all, but I would miss it too much, because I always feel the need to write down my thoughts and to get feedback, but suddenly it all seems much more complicated now and I know that you can expect any kind of reaction, not necessarily the one you are waiting for.

I'm suffering from a depression and have been for a long time. That was why I wanted to be on the other medication that didn't work out. I got the feeling that the medication I was taking for my depression wasn't working, but when the new medication didn't work out, I went back to the old medication that I thought wasn't working. I don't know the reason for this. It is something I have to discuss with my psychiatrist when he calls me on Monday. There is obviously a kink in the cable. Until I get this depression sorted out, I'm pushing a stone uphill.

The Exfactor came by yesterday evening. He helped me make a short list of things to discuss with my psychiatrist. He is going to come by again this morning to see how I am. I am not well.

I called the crisis line and talked to a psychiatrist. I don't really know if it helped. I said I would call back today if it was necessary. I don't know if it does me any good, but when you hit bottom, you think it does.




Chrissie said...

Hi Nora, I'm so sorry you're feeling under scrutiny and judged. I didn't see the comments that upset you, but I am glad you decided against giving up the blog as its very clear that you do love to write and find blogging helpful, and your many readers would miss you - and your beautiful writing - if you did. If worrying about the comments is ruining that for you, could you perhaps turn off commenting for a while? It would be a shame to cut yourself off from what should be - and usually is - a source of support, but the main thing is to be as comfortable as you can be while the meds aren't working and you're more fragile than usual. Keep getting the help you need, whatever you do don't shut yourself off all together while you're so depressed and lonely. You really aren't alone and a lot of people care about you very much.

Twain12 said...

i'm glad the exfactor is coming by today and i fully agree with Chrissie. I would say don't let the comments get to you but that is easier said than done and none off us want to feel like we are being judged. I look at your blog as your personal journey that you let us readers share in, i wish i could write like you .And like any journey there are bumps and turn, that is life and very human!

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Thank god you get some respite in the middle of the night. I prefer the night too, as you know. I literally feel that release of calming chemicals in my body at the midnight hour. Always such a relief!

Changing meds is always difficult. Esp so with anti-deps (IMO) because new ones can take anywhere up to 3 months to have their full effect - though most are working within a month. And when you add the withdrawal effects from the previous tablets into the mix - which will again, be playing out an effect for up to 3 months .... It's a very difficult thing to get through.

Hopefully your psychiatrist will have a few ideas about the way forward on Monday.

Just try to hold steady until then. I'm so glad you're reaching out to the Exfactor and the crisis line. That's the kind of thing I always fail to do myself. You ARE looking after yourself and doing the best you can in this very difficult situation.

You ARE taking care of your mental health in the best way you can.

Mnay (((HUGS))) and Love,
Bearfriend xxxx

Gail said...

Have you abandoned Six Sentences? Maybe there would be a place to revisit.

I agree with both the above commenters.

Be yourself, you will sort all this out. You are not alone.

Remember, there are just some people who see shit drippig off a rainbow and those commenters do not count.

Maggie May said...

Glad the Exfactor is coming to see you in the morning. I think his heart is in the right place.
Maybe the depression is making you feel we are judging you.
You know I accept you just as you are.
I know weekends seem bad, for you. Hang in there my friend
Maggie X

Nuts in May