It's starting to be the early hours of the morning, but I have been up since the early hours of the night and the peace and quiet remind me why I like to be up at this time. The advancing hours make me acutely aware of how little time there is left until daylight. I know I really need to be asleep now in order to live a healthy life, but I will miss these hours at night when I sit here by myself and I can pretend that all is well with the world and with me.
I find it difficult to know what to discuss on this blog. I feel like the whole world is watching me and judging me. I have thought about not blogging at all, but I would miss it too much, because I always feel the need to write down my thoughts and to get feedback, but suddenly it all seems much more complicated now and I know that you can expect any kind of reaction, not necessarily the one you are waiting for.
I'm suffering from a depression and have been for a long time. That was why I wanted to be on the other medication that didn't work out. I got the feeling that the medication I was taking for my depression wasn't working, but when the new medication didn't work out, I went back to the old medication that I thought wasn't working. I don't know the reason for this. It is something I have to discuss with my psychiatrist when he calls me on Monday. There is obviously a kink in the cable. Until I get this depression sorted out, I'm pushing a stone uphill.
The Exfactor came by yesterday evening. He helped me make a short list of things to discuss with my psychiatrist. He is going to come by again this morning to see how I am. I am not well.
I called the crisis line and talked to a psychiatrist. I don't really know if it helped. I said I would call back today if it was necessary. I don't know if it does me any good, but when you hit bottom, you think it does.