Behaving myself...

I'm to the point now that I can't imagine living with other people. I'm so set in my ways and so used to solitude and silence that it would bother me to give it up. I find the greatest peace and quiet in my own company and I can only stand to share my space with the animals. Having other people around for any length of time would definitely cramp my style.

This maybe makes me sound like a misanthrope, but I'm not an unkind person. I'm easy to get along with as long as I don't have to have a real close relationship with anybody. I do keep a certain amount of distance always. I don't want anyone to sit on top of me emotionally. I'm uncomfortable if a relationship becomes too close. I need lots of breathing space and to feel free. 

Time by myself is what I treasure most. If I fill that with nothing but sitting in my armchair and enjoying the sound of silence, then that's all the better. It's what gives me the peaceful feeling. I realize now that I can't live with anyone else. It's my own company that I enjoy the most. 

I've had a most pleasant day, but I can't say that I've done anything specific with it. What I do know is that the overall feeling was one of peacefulness and that's the most important thing. At not one point did I feel stressed. If I can achieve that, I feel very lucky indeed and whatever the magic formula is, I want to keep applying it. I want to repeat this kind of a day as many times as I can.

I don't think I want another person in my life to complicate that. It's much easier to work out the magic ingredients if you are on your own. It's fairly smple to calculate in a dog and a cat. That's not a problem. Besides, they provide the necessary humor and love. And I do know that another person would bring out the worst in me, at least the person I would end up with. I haven't been able to pick the right one yet. 

So it's with a feeling of satisfaction that I look forward to the end of the day. I can rest easily and be content. It was a day to be happy about. Not all days go that well, but it's what I strive for and I'm very glad when I succeed. 

Ciao,
Irene

Conflicting messages...

I had to make myself a cup of coffee because as I sat here reading blogs and leaving comments, my eyes started to fall shut. It was not my intention to go to sleep at this time of the evening because it is way too early. I've got to wait a couple of hours before it's time to go to bed. 

The coffee is perking me up and with another cup I should be alright again and I won't be in danger of falling asleep. I can postpone putting on my pajamas and bathrobe and stay dressed like an ordinary person a while longer. If I put my pajamas on now, there will be too much temptation to go to bed early. I'm trying to prevent that. 

I've still got three chores to do before I call it quits for the evening. They will be done in no time at all because they are fairly simple ones. I've done the most complicated ones yesterday. It's nice to save the easy ones for Sundays. 

I must try to remember that for future weekends in case I'm ever tempted to put anything off until the last minute. I will remember that I like this system much better and that it pays to do the majority of the work on Saturdays. 

But now that I'm taking my tranquilizers during the day, I'm not intimidated by the chores anymore and don't have to put them off until the last minute. I just do them because I no longer feel the stress that I used to feel in anticipation. 

The tranquilizers reduce my stress levels and the coffee screws my head on straight. It's a great combination. One does not eliminate the working of the other and I'm no longer sleepy headed. I can now stay up and watch the news while still being very calm. 

The best thing is that I again enjoy my own company and don't mind being alone. Solitariness is now a very welcome thing, as long as the dog and the cat are around. I don't have to have long conversations and don't have much to say anyway. Whatever I have to say, I say here and that's enough. 

I really appreciate silence and solitude right now and can sit in my armchair for a long time without any noise or activity. I just enjoy the peace and quiet and the sense of being me without the stress.

I will now go and do my chores. I'm in the right frame of mind for them and it will feel good to have them done. 

I hope you'll all have a pleasant Sunday evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Living and breathing...

I just took the dog for a walk in the pleasant evening air. The sun was still shining and there was a bit of a breeze, but it was not cold. The air smelled of blossoming things and there was pollen floating in it. Lots of dandelions have gone to seed and the seed blows around in the wind all over the place like little umbrellas. We have an explosion of dandelions and they are three weeks early due to the good weather. They outnumber the daisies and we have a lot of them.

The dog was his usual stubborn self, refusing to move from some places and running to others and I'm at his whimsy because he is strong. He's a badly brought up dog and I owe it all to myself. I shouldn't make it sound so bad, mostly he moves along at a steady pace, but he does have his peculiarities. He does know how to pass trees and lamp posts at the correct side so the leash doesn't get caught around them. He does have his redeeming qualities. But the truth is that I'm not strict enough with him. 

I took a nap earlier this afternoon, no doubt due to the fact that I had not slept enough during the night. It was a very pleasant and peaceful nap, but I made the mistake of turning on the computer right when I woke up and I think I ought not to have done that. I think it's better to sit in silence for a while with a cup of coffee and come to my senses before I become involved in answering emails and reading and commenting on blogs when I just have woken up. I must remember to honor the peace and quiet of the time after the nap. The space your brain needs to adjust to being awake properly. You stand the chance to write a lot of nonsense when you just wake up. 

Tomorrow is another holiday and I keep forgetting. It will be nice because it will give me a chance to get some chores done. The personal helper and the domestic help won't be here. I won't miss them, I like the day off. Sometimes it's like having so many nosy people around and missing your privacy. 

I hope you're all enjoying your Easter Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

Another early morning post.

I woke up to a cracking sound and found out that Tyke was demolishing my plastic cigarette case that I had left lying on the bookcase by my bed. I suppose he got bored during the night and decided to give that a go. When I called him on it, he gave me a very innocent look and wagged his tail, as if to say, "I'm just a cute little puppy." A while later I found him gnawing on a huge bone that I had bought for Jesker one time, but that Jesker had showed no interest in. Tyke thought he'd died and gone to heaven and was afraid I was going to take that away from him too. I have no idea where he found it, but I wish he'd found it before he started on my cigarette case. He is now very sweetly asleep by my feet, worn out from this night's adventures.

I slept in my bed after I safeguarded the bedroom, or so I thought. It was pleasant to sleep in my bed, because there's a little bit more room than there is on the sofa, but I didn't sleep longer there than I do on the sofa. Doubtlessly that was because of Tyke's interruption. I have to buy another one of those really big bones and see if that will keep him happy for the night.

I'm trying to read my book, "The Pilot's Wife." I like it so far, but I manage to fall asleep after reading just 10 pages or so, or when Tyke decides to lie down on top of it for some quality time together. When I slept on the sofa, I didn't read at all, but fell asleep with the TV on. I need to get some of my old routine back now that the Olympics are over and I don't have to watch sport's events at all hours of the night.

I managed to do laundry last night. I had one load of laundry in the machine that I had to hang up and dry and it consisted of tops and sweaters and leggings. I hung up the sweaters to dry on hangers on the shower curtain rail and pulled most of the wrinkles out. Hopefully I don't have to iron them when they are dry. I had a dry load of sheets and towels to fold and one load of laundry to put in the machine and another load to put in today or as soon as there is room on the drying rack. I can't hang any laundry outside, because there's rain and wet snow predicted. That is the problem of trying to get laundry done in the wintertime. It takes forever to get it dry and it slows down the rate at which you can get it done. That's when I really wish for a tumble dryer.

I have a sink full of dishes to do that accumulate while I'm not looking. Suddenly they are there, stacked up on the kitchen counter, and I don't know where they came from. You'd think I'd hardly use a dish, living on my own. There are always many coffee cups and teaspoons and the lack of clean ones makes me realize that I need to do the dishes. I would also very much like a compact dishwasher. Just big enough for a one person household. You see how I need my conveniences. I'm all for making my life as easy as possible, but then I was used to having these things and I feel rather primitive having to do without them. I'll never get used to that. That equally goes for going grocery shopping without the convenience of a car.

I'm sitting here in my big bathrobe and the thermometer was set at 20C, but it's cold in here, so I've just turned it up higher. I don't think I'm supposed to sit here with cold hands and shiver. The radiator next to me is nice and hot now and I can feel the warmth emanating from it. It's very pleasant and like sitting by a hot stove. It does make me wish for a fireplace and a crackling wood fire.

Since today is Saturday, I will take advantage of the "free" day and do odd jobs around the apartment. I will try and not do anything structured and make it look like real work. I will just do whatever pops into my head. Pleasure first, drudgery last. I hope I will be able to go for walks with Tyke in spite of the rain that is predicted. Hopefully they will only be showers and not non-stop drizzle and down pours. It's not going to be very warm and there will be a cold wind blowing from the north east. That's from the cold part of the world, above Russia. It is my most sincere wish that the weather forecasters totally get it wrong today. I will have to wear an extra top under my sweater. At least my footwear will be good.

I will feed Tyke and get dressed and take my medicines and then take Tyke for a walk before the weather turns bad. It is still dry now and there's no wind yet. The world is very silent out there. I don't hear a thing. Silence is a very valuable commodity. I can't get enough of it.

Have a nice day. I hope your weather will be good.

Ciao,
Nora

Midnight...

What better time to sit down and write a post than at midnight when everybody else has gone to bed and the neighborhood is silent and the world around me seems to be at peace? That is, my own little piece of the world. I'm well aware of the fact that the world at large is not at peace at all, but I don't want to depress myself by thinking about how much of this is actually true, so I'll skip over that whole discussion and stick to my own little corner of it. I feel quite helpless at the moment to do anything about the world's larger problems and conflicts. Well, I usually do. I find recycling hard enough to do.

I napped a lot today. This was to offset yesterday when I didn't nap as much and was busy doing chores and other important things. It was also to make up for that half a night of sleep I missed. I napped in the morning, the afternoon and the evening on the sofa with the TV on for company. I'm quite good at sleeping with the TV on and incorporate the sound into my dreams. Of course, it's not normal the amount of sleeping I do during the day. I seem to exist in a constant state of sleepiness, but I blame that on the medications and you all know my decision about those.

It seems to me that sometimes I am more than frank in my posts and afterwards it bothers me to no end that I was. I think there is such a thing as sharing too much of yourself and maybe sometimes I cross the line. I seem to get into a delirium and unload whatever is on my mind, however intimate my thoughts are. I don't delete these posts afterwards, because by then I have usually already received comments on them and it seems cowardly to pretend that I haven't written them. That's the danger of blogging like you write a diary. You put your thoughts out there and hope for the best, but I have yet to receive a nasty remark and I owe that to the kindness of my readers.

My own discomfort, though, does want me to moderate my words, but I know in the end that I will share my life with you again when I feel the need to unload, because I find that writing about it here is after all the best therapy. It helps me put my thoughts in order and get my priorities straight.

-------------------

In the meantime it is morning, because I had to go to sleep after I wrote all of the above. I'm having my first cup of coffee and it tastes mighty fine. Definitely worthy of a repeat.

I seem to be filled with some amount of quiet despair and I have to try and find out where it comes from. I think it has to do with me going to quit my medications and the daunting task that is going to be, because I'm not at all naive enough to think it's going to be easy. I suppose what bothers me is that I have not had a chance to discuss this with my SPN and my psychiatrist and I won't be able to properly until March the 11th when I have an appointment with both of them together. I see my SPN before that, but only for a half hour appointment and I won't have much time to explain my point of view to her. That's always very frustrating.

I'm just thinking that I can send her an email explaining my take on things now, so that she will be prepared when she sees me on Tuesday. That may be a good idea, but even that fills me with a certain amount of dread, because how do you get such an idea across and sound sane and reasonable at the same time?

I've decided not to take the paracetamol with codeine anymore lest I get hooked on that. I was allowed to take it 4 times a day and was obediently popping those pills, but this morning I didn't take one. I will only take one if it is absolutely necessary and I don't think that it is right now. I won't take them just because I'm allowed to. I can just see me developing a problem with those pills. I did take all of my other medications and won't start reducing anything until I have properly discussed it with my psychiatrist. It's tempting to start now, but I won't do it.

I can breathe through my nose again and my throat is hardly sore. I'm really not coughing anymore, just occasionally, so I think I am much better. That antibiotic is working. As far as I'm concerned, I declare myself healed, though I will finish the antibiotic, of course.

Okay, I'm going to write that email now. I hope you all have a great day.

Ciao,
Nora

Up early and then wat?

I woke up at 4 am and was done sleeping, but even after one cup of coffee I felt none of my usual enthusiasm. So, I had another cup of coffee, figuring that's what I needed, but it's not working very well. Instead, I feel very introspective and quiet and like I need to be very low key today and not undertake any major tasks. That's alright, because I did not have any planned and today I can just be a woman in an almost empty space with not much going on, except ruminating my own thoughts and keeping myself somewhat occupied with odd jobs. I find perfect comfort with that, and won't worry about it not being good enough to get me through the day. Sometimes it's good to be very quiet and let the silence speak for itself. I think I need that after the chaos of yesterday and the busy day I'll have tomorrow, because I have to go grocery shopping too, besides getting my hair cut and seeing my GP.

I don't mind these introspective, quiet times, because I don't associate them with a depressed feeling, more a suppressed feeling, but not to the point that I have no emotions at all, I just have fewer of them and they don't matter as much and I don't let them hurt me or worry me. I suppose it is a little bit like going in retreat and not being caught up in the details of life. Being aware, but not being upset or impassioned or otherwise greatly effected.

So it is in this dissociated mood that I sit here and drink my coffee and smoke my cigarettes in the silence of the morning. In a little while, I will go back to bed and sleep a few more hours, or I may sit on the sofa and stare into the middle distance and meditate about life and let my mind drift into nothingness. That's the nicest place to be. Silence can have such a good quality about it. It's when you literally think you hear nothing, although there probably is always some noise in the background that doesn't quite penetrate your mind or that you've learned to ignore.

It's a day on which you realize which things don't matter and which things you shouldn't get excited about. It would be good to have more days like that, but it's nice enough to have a day like that sometimes. If I were a true Buddhist, I would be able to meditate myself into a state of mind like this more often. I think that's what it's all about. I suppose my normal self is too stressed to be able to do it, though I should try it and see if it works.

That's really all I have to share with you this morning. I'm going to eat breakfast now and see where my path leads me next. There is a very good book to read and it had my name on it.

Ciao.
Nora

Getting it out of my system.

I wrote six sentences in Dutch and then translated them into English and just published them on the Six Sentences website. That was that piece of prose that was getting in the way of my thinking this afternoon when I was trying to write a post. I don't know why I had to write it in Dutch first, but it played in a Dutch rural setting, so maybe that is why. It is also not a bad thing for me to write in Dutch and to see if I can express myself to my liking in that language , which I do surprisingly well. Better than I think I'm capable of anyway. I think I'm going to keep doing this, write in Dutch and then translate into English and keep both versions. Maybe I can turn it into poetry some day for a poetry magazine.

I have walked the dog for the last time and am now in my pajamas and bathrobe. It is very cozy and nice to know that I won't have to go out again. I am already looking forward to going to bed at a decent hour with my book, which is The Reading Group by Elizabeth Noble, and which I am enjoying more and more the further I am getting into it. There are many characters in it and that was a bit confusing at first, but now I'm getting them straight in my head and am getting all the relationships figured out. It is definitely a women's book, as many of my books are, because most of my book moochers are women, but there is a solitary man in there who is a repeat moocher. He has mooched four books so far.

It is in the middle on the night in the meantime, because I took some time out to eat and watch the news and, of course, I fell asleep and didn't wake up until a few hours later, sitting upright on the sofa with my head in my hand, which had gone to sleep also. So, needless to say, I am not ready to go to bed now and will stay up for a while.

I just watched Jesker eat cat food, but I was not about to give him more of his own food because he had his share for today. Strange dog, scrounging around in the kitchen looking for food instead of coming to me to ask for some. I would have given him a Bonzo bone if he had asked for it. Toby was sitting by the bowl looking absolutely flabbergasted, so I gave him some dried dog food, which he adores and which the dog ignores completely. I think I have very strange animals.

Some time ago I ordered business cards for myself that say "The Green Stone Woman" on them, so I can never change the name of my blog, just so you know or I would have to order new business cards. As a profession I have "writer." Someone asked me why I had not put down "artist" and I guess that had not even dawned on me, because I see myself as a writer first, but when I run out of business cards, in about ten years time, I will put down "writer and artist." I keep a little box of cards in my purse and try to remember to hand them out to the appropriate people. Often I forget I have them, though, and I have to make it a point to hand one out every day to whomever. Even if it is only the delivery man. I do have to get my name out there.

I have written another six sentences in between everything else. It's really funny, because I put it through the Alta Vista Babelfish translator to see what it comes up with and the translation is great! Of course, it's completely unpublishable and wrong, but it's so funny and interesting to read and it does give me ideas on how to translate some things. You wouldn't be able to make any sense of it unless you knew the original text, though.So don't count on Babelfish too much when you're translating into a language you don't know. It may come out all wrong at the other end.

I hurt my knee while grocery shopping the other day. I was carrying a very heavy shopping basket and letting it rest against my knee. I took a step with my leg stretched and pushed against the weight of the basket and heard something go pop. Since then I have a sore knee. I don't think it is anything serious, but it is amusing that you can get hurt while doing the grocery shopping, as if that is a hazardous occupation. Isn't there a condition called "housewife's knee?" I am sure they weren't talking about this kind of injury, though. That must be from scrubbing the floors, which I don't do. Or don't do enough of, I should say. My knobby knees don't allow it.

I've just remembered to take my medicines. I'm a little bit late with that and according to my inner clock, I'm really late. I don't know about you, but I'm having a bit of a hard time adjusting to that hour we gained by setting the clocks back. I keep being one hour ahead of myself. I'm going by what it looks like outside and not by what time it says on the clock, but even in the morning I'm ready too early and sit around waiting for it to be time to go to creative therapy, which is where I have to be in the morning and where I will be in not too many hours and I wonder if I will sleep before that time. I really should try, but I'm so wide awake. I will drink hot milk, that should do the trick.

Okay, without much further ado, although I could sit here forever yet, I will come to an ending. Where before I knew not what to write about, I know not how to shut up this time. I can rattle on for a long time. I do so enjoy a monologue in which I'm not interrupted and in which I can talk about whatever I please. People should always have that pleasure, but in real life I'm not like that at all. I'm a silent water that runs deep.

I hope you are all having a good night or whatever you are having in your time zone and a good morning to those of you who are reading this upon arising.

Ciao,
Nora

Middle of the night.

You could also call it very early in the morning, whatever. The fact of the matter is that I wake up at 3 AM and that there is no stopping me from getting out of bed and getting the day started. I must admit, though, that I like these wee hours of the very early morning and that I spend some of my happiest moments then. I like the coziness and the solitude and the silence of the world around me. I can pretend that I'm the only person awake for miles around.

The best part of living alone, is that I don't upset another person with my schedule. I can be awake or asleep whenever I want. It used to bother the Exfactor something awful when he heard me type in the middle of the night, because he was a light sleeper and my nighttime activities always woke him up. Now I can do whatever I want and I am glad about it. This is one of the very things that would prevent me from starting another serious relationship. It would be the loss of freedom to do whatever I want at whatever time of day.

I don't miss having a man in my life. Sometimes I am a little bit lonely, but not necessarily for a partner. That loneliness can be filled by anything and anybody. They're just lonely moments and not moments that I long for a partner. It's just more of a longing for human contact and it's up to me to fix that problem, but most of the time I am perfectly okay on my own. I find a lot of comfort in my own company. The realization that I can be who I am without having to adapt myself to someone else is a blessing.

Well, I went out on my bike first thing yesterday morning to find some Christmas cards and I did at one store, but I think I got their last box and now it seems that I need to go out and buy another one. I need not despair, however, because there are several more stores where I can have a look.

I have decided that I like sending and receiving Christmas cards very much, so here is a gentle hint. If you want to receive a Christmas card from me, email me your snail mail address and I'll add you to my list. You can email me through my profile. Please feel free to do so, because sending cards is just about the most fun activity that I can think of for Christmas. I really enjoy it and it is almost as good as receiving them.

I have put up the twinkly branches and it looks very nice indeed. It gives me the festive feeling just a little bit. I need to cut off a branch from the Golden Rain and decorate it. I'll see if I can do that today with the aid of my stepladder.

I did finally sweep the patio, which was covered with rotten leaves and I layered all of those in the flowerbed. I figured those would make good compost. I cut back the winter blooming jasmine a bit, because it is such a rambling plant and wants to grow all over the place. I will have to do it again in the springtime.

I am not very interested in gardening in this period of my life, as opposed to a time in my life when I was crazy about it and it was my greatest hobby. It is not something I get excited about now. The patio is just a place where I hang my washing to dry when the weather is good and that is about it. The cats hang out there and the Überhund piddles there in the morning. I do like the Golden Rain when it blooms, it is a beautiful sight.

I bought the muesli with the apple and raisins, but I can only eat a small amount of it before I am full and I chew it very well. So, that means that I eat a little more often during the day, but in smaller amounts. I think in the end that's better anyway. I have also been drinking more fruit juice instead of coffee. I think I drink three tall glasses of that every day. It's most refreshing when you are thirsty and I am always very thirsty because of the medications that I take. They give me a very dry mouth. That's one of the drawbacks you learn to live with.

I have gotten used to wearing my glasses constantly. Now, when I take them off for some reason, my right eye does not like that at all and goes funny on me. It's like it can't focus. That must be because of the astigmatism., but that is all guess work.

I never did get around to vacuuming the furniture yesterday. I got sidetracked every time I planned to do so. I may do it today, even though it is Sunday and my official day off.

I had some ups and downs yesterday and the only way I knew of how to fix the downs was to go to sleep for a little while, because that always seems to get me out of the slump. If I nap for just a little while, I feel better when I wake up, as if my brain has reprogrammed itself and the negative energy has switched to positive. There is such a difference in my attitude between the two poles, you'd think I was a different person emotionally speaking.

I try never to blog when I am negative, because it is all doom and gloom when I do and the last thing I want is a post that is based on my negative depressed feelings. Sometimes I start one, but I always have enough sense to delete it. At least, I am speaking of the here and now and not of the past.

When I feel myself sliding down the slippery slope, I always try to remind myself of all the reasons I have to feel happy, but it doesn't always work. I concentrate very hard on all the positive things and try very hard to stay in the present moment, but regardless of that, sometimes the gloom wins for a while and that is just the way it is.

Well, those are all the words I have for you this morning. I must say that I am enjoying my mug of coffee very well and I am about to make a new one. One decaf coming up!

Ciao...

One of those nights again.

I woke up at 3 AM, wide awake and not one bit of sleep left in my body. I stayed in bed until 3:30 to make sure I was really awake, because there were two cats sound asleep on top of me, but I didn't fall back asleep and decided to get up, much as I hated to disturb the snoozing cats.

While I was putting on my bathrobe, the Überhund woke up and decided he wanted to go out for a piddle, so I let him out back and gave him a treat when he came back in for being a good boy. He is now sound asleep on his blanket under the coffee table and I think I will not see him awake again for some time. He does like his nighttime rest.

It is very cozy here all by myself with the animals asleep. I feel like these moments could go on forever. I treasure them very much. It is because I fall asleep on the sofa after dinner that I wake up in the middle of the night. I try to fight that by finding an interesting program on TV to watch, but so very often there is nothing on that really grabs my attention.

Yesterday was a very decent day. My mood didn't tumble all over itself and I was pretty steady. Rather than vacuum, I swept the whole apartment and had little piles of dog hair and grit all over the place. That did make the job very satisfying, but I still have to get out the vacuum cleaner to do the furniture. Sweeping however is so much better than dragging the noisy vacuum cleaner around, I do dislike that intensely. It is the noise that bothers me so. There are periods in my life when I just can't cope with that.

I even had a period in my life some years ago when I couldn't cope with any kind of noise and I wanted the TV and the radio off and for there to be complete silence in the apartment. I realize now that this must have been hard for the Exfactor, who could only read or do other very silent things, but I didn't stop and think about it then. I guess I was like a tightly wound string that would break if there was too much input.

Anyway, I'm happy to report that I made it to the grocery store where I bought 12 liters of milk and delicious muesli with apple and raisins. The milk came in big cartons, that's why I was able to buy so much of it. The muesli is good for me to eat as opposed to the porridge, because it fills me up quicker, so I eat less of it and eating less is always better when you are like me and you enjoy your food too much. The porridge slides by my gastric band too easily and makes it too easy for me to eat too much of it, so I didn't buy any of that.

The Überhund is always full of curiosity when I come home from the store and pushes his nose into the bag to see if I got anything for him. I very rarely disappoint him, because there usually is a snack for him and he knows it. The cats are equally curious and at least one of them climbs into the bag while I am emptying it, getting caught in the strap and not being able to figure out why they can't get out.

I was unable to buy more Christmas cards as they were all sold out, so today I must hunt for them. I am trying to think of the most obvious stores close by that sell Christmas cards so I won't have to go all the way downtown. Of course, there is nothing wrong with going downtown, but I only see the sense in that if I also get to shop for myself and since I am on a self imposed non shopping policy, I won't tempt myself by going there. I have taken a good look in my closet and I can't find a good enough reason to buy any more clothes. Can you believe I said that?

The Exfactor came by in the early afternoon. It is now a standard procedure that he comes by at least once a week and has a cup of coffee with me. I look forward to his visits and we chat about the little things that happen in our lives and then he leaves again. It's like he is a good acquaintance. I have no specific feelings for him at this time. I don't feel strongly one way or the other, but that may be because I choose not to. Given enough time, whatever I once felt, will fade out and merely become a memory and something to look back on.

I do notice that he very much lives in his own world and is preoccupied with the things that concern him and those are what dominate the conversation. I don't actually know how much of what I tell him penetrates his thick skull. As a result, I don't tell him very much. I mostly listen. I do think he comes to check and see if I'm not completely off my rocker, but that is as far as his interest goes. I don't think he is all that involved.

My sister and I took the dogs for a long walk and I get the feeling that my function in this life is to be a sounding board for people who have a lot going on in their lives. It has always been that way, because I have the tendency to be the quiet listening type who seems non judgmental and apparently that makes people feel comfortable. My sister always has a lot to unload and I am always amazed at her ability to keep her life on track. So, I listen and make the odd comment here and there. I try to not become involved emotionally, because I could really let things get to me and I don't want that. So, when we are done with our walk, I put everything out of my mind. My sister is getting enough help. She doesn't need me as her therapist.

Oh, I just realized that today is Saturday. Where am I with my mind? Well, hurray! The weekends keep being special and I always feel like I am having mini vacations. Imagine how I would feel if I had a job. I suppose that I subconsciously feel enough stress during the week that I feel an unloading of it during the weekends. Well we all know that my stress threshold is very low. I may look like a very brave woman on the outside, but I am an easily scared human being on the inside.

I was not going to decorate at all for Christmas, but I have some branches with little twinkle lights on them and I think I will stick those in a vase and put them somewhere in the living room. I can make it festive a little bit. I have gotten eleven cards so far and the mail brings new ones every day. I am happy with every one of them and next year I will send out even more.

So, my mission for today is to find Christmas cards and to vacuum the furniture. That doesn't seem too complicated. It's good to have these things clear in your head, lest you start running around like a chicken without one.

Well, my dear people. I wish all of you a very good Saturday and lots of very good weather. It's going to be drizzly here and not very cold, as opposed to, I'm freezing my buns off.

Ciao...