Continued change...

The last couple of weeks I have come to some conclusions about  things in my life that were important to me and that determined how I felt about the past and about where I am now. It resulted in me having a lot of peace of mind and I think that is one of the reasons that I reached a milestone that is allowing me to have all this change happening in my attitude right now. 

I find that my outlook and attitude  have altered quite a bit and that I'm looking with a whole new set of eyes at a lot of things. This is quite refreshing and causes many pleasant surprises because even I don't know how I will react to any given situation. What I do and say are new to me too, but so far I am happy with the outcomes. I haven't embarrassed myself yet and I do stand behind my words and actions.

It's always pleasant to reach a new stage of growth, especially because I've been waiting patiently for it to happen and had almost given up hope for it to actually take place. I think I had come to accept things the way they were and just at that time change happened. It seems when you accept your situation it does. You must be mentally ready for it then. The timing couldn't have been better anyway. 

I feel as if my eyes are bigger and see better and as if I observe more. I hear other people's words better and the understanding of them is more clear too. I have woken up and am no longer lulled into a false sense of security. This means that all things are more clear to me, the past as well as the future, and I can no longer just ignorantly live in the moment and hide there. I do have to plan some sort of a life. 

Taking ownership of and responsibility for my life have been big things that I've done lately. They were some of the last deeds that I had to do. I come to them late but have been aware of them for a long time. I never fully understood the meaning of them and how to apply them to my life. I'm fully aware of what it means to do that now and it feels very liberating. I stand taller because of it.

Ciao,
Irene

Acceptance...

It is an overcast and gloomy day here today but that doesn't mean I have to be gloomy myself. Far from it, I am in an excellent mood because I finally know what it means to accept myself and my life and the contents of it. My psychiatrist had suggested I accept it some years ago and I tried to do it then, but I really didn't understand then what it meant and couldn't do it. Now, as if by some miracle, I do and it feels as if a heavy load has fallen off my shoulders. 

It really isn't an effort to accept yourself and your life and the contents of it, but you have to understand what it means. Until the meaning becomes clear to you, it is an impossible task. It means the total acceptance of yourself and all the decsions you've made and the results of them. It means continuing on from there with a contented heart knowing you have chosen well and not doing a lot of wishful thinking. It means embracing yourself unconditionally and having peace with that and not being dependend on the opinions of other people.

At this point in my life, who I am and what I like and what I stand for has become pretty clear to me. I can without a doubt predict how I am going to feel about things and how I am going to react to them. I'm pretty much set in my way and don't have to spend a lot of time thinking about how I feel about things. My mind is pretty much all made up. There is a lot of comfort in that. I don't have to second guess myself and can trust myself to make the right decision. It will be the right decision for me. 

I have my likes and dislikes and my opinions and my definite comfort zone. I feel comfortable with them and don't feel that I have to step across those boundaries to accommodate anyone else. I feel I am entitled to them. I don't feel that I should go out of my way very far to make other people happy or comfortable. There's only so much time and energy I'm willing to invest. Most of it goes directly to me. And the animals, of course. If my daughter lived close to me, I'd be willing to invest a certain amount in her, but that's purely a hypothetical situation and not applicable here. 

I've made my own way these past twenty years and whatever I have achieved, I have achieved on my own. Well, I did have professional help and I'm grateful for that. There weren't a lot of other people along the way. If I were getting an Oscar, I wouldn't be thanking a host of them. My reward is that I get to live with myself and have a clear conscience.

Ciao,
Irene