In the morning, bright and sunny...

I am sitting here with my first cup of coffee and a cigarette and I'm more than ready to start the day. I am up bright and sunny, but I don't think the day is actually going to be. It is now cloudy and gray outside and it is supposed to stay that way. I'm not going to let that press my good mood and I'm totally going to ignore it. I will have a fine day no matter what the weather is going to be like. That's the kind of mood I'm in.

I was up earlier during the night but I never did get around to writing a post. I was too busy on Pinterest because I had redivided some boards and of course I had to add new pins to them. That kept me out of trouble for a while. I had a wonderful time pretending I could make all my wishes come true. It's like being a little girl and making your wish list for Santa Claus and sometimes these things come true. 

I've cut down even more on my tranquilizers and am now down to only one dose of 10 mg at night. These were strong ones and they worked great when I was highstrung but they made me very sleepy when I was not. That resulted in me always wanting to take naps during the day and I hope I won't feel that need now. I started taking them when I got so grumpy when I quit smoking the first time. 

It's always best to get off these kinds of medications as quickly as possible but it can take a while before you are able to. You have to choose the right moment and you have to have the wilpower to do it. You actually have to be stubborn enough and damn well make up your mind you're going to. Nobody else can make you do it. Don't rely on anyone else. 

I jusr stepped outside when the dog had to go out back and it is nice and chilly out there. There's a cold wind blowing and it felt good. All the trees and shrubs are green and it looks wonderful. It does give you hope for better weather, but this is okay with me too. I'll just have to dress a little warmer when I take the dog for a walk in a while. I'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to feel the cold air on my face. 

I don't have much else to report. I've finished my coffee and want to get dressed. I'm eager to get the day started. The Exfactor should be here this morning to finish putting the dresser together. It will be nice to see it all done. Then I can finish decorating the guest room. 

First I'm off to take the dog out for a walk in the cold morning air.

Ciao,

Irene

Past midnight and all is well...

In my sleep I compose interesting sentences to put in my blog posts but when I wake up they immediately recede to the back of my mind to become irretrievably lost to me. Only a vague imprint of them remains in my mind but not enough to be able to use them. I know they were very profound because I'm sure I only dream very profound things. I'm convinced that I don't waste my dreams on frivolous subjects. 

Having stated that, I have to tell you that it's been eight days since I stopped smoking and that I haven't had a cigarette since then. Who would have thought that possible? I'm mighty proud of myself and know I can do it from this point on. I have no doubt about it that I'm an ex-smoker now even though it's only been a short time since I quit. To me it already seems like a very long time. 

Yesterday it snowed all day long. Imagine my surprise when I opened up the curtains in the morning and saw snow. I hadn't heard the weather forecast and had no idea that it was supposed to. It finally stopped snowing in the evening and there's none falling now. I'm not thrilled about it but the world is pretty. It's supposed to turn into an icy sludge during the day which is less fun. I'm sure I won't be happy about taking the dog out in it. 

These times that I'm up are just interludes between naps. That's how I view them. I'm momentarily awake. My true mission is to go back to bed and sleep some more. It's the most pleasant way of existing that I can think of, especially the times just before I fall asleep and when I just wake up. Those are the times when I'm filled with happiness. I have my own quiet joy all by myself then. 

I'm having a glass of cold milk and it's very refreshing. I had a cup of coffee to straighten out my head but it hardly needed straightning out. It was the last of the coffee and I have been drinking tea today. It was not too bad an experience. It was black tea that I thought I had problems with but it was fine. I'll have tea in the morning and hope it suffices in waking me up. 

The Exfactor will be here and together we will go to the cheap store where they sell everything but the kitchen sink. I've heard they have duvet covers on sale there right now. I hope to find some other things that I may need and I'm going to browse through the store and have a good look around. Maybe there will be things to decorate the apartment with. A person can always hope. 

I'm going back to bed. Hopefully I will sleep for a few more hours. 

Ciao,

Nora

Really, truly, madly...

It's Friday afternoon again and I pride myself on the fact that I still know which day of the week it is. Apparently I'm not so befuddled by my depression that I don't know that. I was a bit confused in the middle of the week, but those were muddled days and there wasn't much to make them stand out individually. The start and the end of the week are much easier to tell apart.

I'm not going to let myself get all excited because it's the weekend now. I've decided that it actually doesn't make one bit of difference with the rest of the week. I can act like it is the weekend in the middle of the week just as well. I have as few obligations then as I do on the weekends. 

There are the same amount of chores to do. The only difference is that on Sunday I don't get any mail and it's an official day of rest. I'll just make the middle of the week official days of rest too. That doesn't mean I won't achieve anything. It just means that I'll take the mental pressure off for myself. It will feel like I won't have to perform. 

One thing with a depression...once you've acknowledged it to yourself and the rest of the world, there's nothing you can do but wait it out. My medication has been increased and all I can do now is wait for it to start working and I have to be patient. The waiting is actually kind of boring because on top of that you can't get excited about anything. Nothing turns you on. You're just a bump on a log.

I'm lucky because once I realize that it's a depression I'm fighting, I immediately stop having all thoughts of self hatred. I have no destructive inner dialogue going on. All is silent. But it's the silence that's so boring because there's nothing. It's like I'm empty. 

I suppose it's better to be empty than have a self destructive inner dialogue. That's why I need to try and fill my time with other things. I need to keep my mind occupied for as far as that is possible. It's hard to concentrate on things in specific, but for little periods of time I am able to apply myself. The best things are taking naps, but you do get done sleeping at some point. 

I have to go and walk the dog. Surprisingly, the sun is shining. 

Ciao,

Nora

No complaints...

I can't complain about the weather. It's cold and foggy right now, but at least it's not raining. Today it's only going to be partially cloudy and there will be sunshine and it's about time after all those gray skies. So, that's not something to be grumpy about. I would be grumpy if it were raining again because, although I like the rain, I don't like it non stop for a week. I crave some sunshine and so does the eczema on my head. It has been bothering me especially with the damp and cold weather.

I'm drinking coffee with artificial creamer because the milk is all gone. It only tastes somewhat bad. It would be worse if I had no creamer at all and had to drink it black, so I have to count my blessings. I can't wait to have milk in the refrigerator, but the Exfactor will be here today to do the grocery shopping and there will be lots of milk soon. I can then indulge in it to my heart's content. I have the Exfactor buy as much milk as he can carry and as his arm and leg muscles can handle on the bike without falling over. He is a very strong and wiry man, so he can carry a lot of milk.

I still have lemonade left so when I'm thirsty, I drink that, though it is not nearly as good as a glass of cold milk. Still, it quenches my thirst and has a decent enough taste and it's better than drinking coffee all the time, although I do enough of that too. I think I drink the coffee to offset the somewhat sedating effects of the medicines that I still take and I will be very happy when I've completely cut down on them and I know what is just me needing sleep and what was the effect of the medication. I very often need naps and I think I'm too young to start that kind of nonsense. I'm not an old lady yet.

I have to go see both my SPN and my psychiatrist today. I hope I make a good enough impression on my psychiatrist so that he will agree to cut down the anti-depressives some more. I've only got to reduce them two more times before I'm off them completely and today would be one of those times. I think I can convince him to give it a try. I'm doing well, so there's no reason not to.

I will go back to bed now for a few more hours of sleep. I will listen to the radio until I drift off. It's always very cozy in bed when I go back for the second time. It's when I get my best rest and my most interesting dreams.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting caught up...

Because of the long sleepless night I had last night, during which I searched for new blog templates for all my blogs and installed them, I was left short of sleep and it took many naps today to get me caught up again. Every time I thought I was done sleeping, I was not and nodded off behind the computer. Now I finally have the feeling that I'm done sleeping.

I just took Tyke for a walk in the stormy weather and the brisk wind woke me up completely. The nice cup of coffee I'm having is doing the rest. When I first woke up from my last nap, I was in a terrible mood and I knew I would have to make some coffee, despite the lateness of the day. I was right and the first cup helped improve my mood tremendously. I could think happy thoughts again.

I think I was actually in a hypo-manic mood during the night, so those of you who were concerned, were rightly so. Luckily, I was tired enough today for it not to continue and sleeping took care of it. I'll have to see how it goes tonight and if I manage to go to bed on time and stay asleep. I have the feeling that I'm going to be up for a while and that I'm not going to see my bed before midnight. I will put my pajamas on before that time, so that I will at least be ready to go when the time comes.  

I took Tyke out for a walk at the right time, because now the rain is lashing against the windows again and it is very stormy. It has been all day, because we are in a low pressure system that is spread over Western Europe. The weather has been horrid and I've had to turn on the heater part of the day. Luckily, it is now nice and warm in here and I've turned it off. Once it is warm in here, it stays warm for a long time. That was so awful this summer, but it is nice in the wintertime. 

Tomorrow it's Friday again. Can you believe it? Where did the week go? I can't sleep during the day tomorrow, because I have the personal helper and the domestic help coming. I must sleep during the night. I have to do some chores in the morning too, but maybe I can do those with my personal helper, although I need her help with filling out a form. I will never get that done if we don't sit down together and do that. It's a case of mental block on my part. 

Onward I go. I must answer emails. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Rites of passage.

It's officially Saturday, although you can't really speak of morning yet. It's still in the middle of the night, but by the time I finish writing this, it will be so close to dawn that it will be almost morning. I'm glad that it's officially Saturday, because I feel that I can go back to bed at any time and sleep until I'm done sleeping and ready to get up again, although it may not actually take me that long.

Since I've quit smoking, I've started taking short naps during the day and they help me get through the occasional craving I may have for a cigarette, so I'm never really super tired and I'm done sleeping quickly. I also spend a lot of time reading to take my mind of cigarettes, so I don't exactly get exhausted from physical activity. Reading is my main activity and it works very well to keep me occupied, but it's not very tiring.

I think I take naps to relieve my mind of the thoughts of smoking and because it's a distraction to lie in bed and listen to the radio and doze off for a short time. I just as easily get up again and move to my armchair to continue reading.

I think the period of quitting smoking is a huge time out from regular life and it is a period during which nothing is quite as normal as it usually is. It is a time of coping and waiting. You wait for your body to forget the actual habit of cigarette smoking. I still have the tendency to want to light up a cigarette and I'm waiting for that to dissipate and disappear altogether. I don't want that to be part of my second nature anymore. I don't want it to be an automatic reaction to any given situation, innocent as it is, rewarding as it might have been.

I know that in time my body and my mind will forget about this habit and it will not be second nature anymore. I will get used to not subconsciously wanting to reach for a cigarette and my lighter. I can already drink a cup of coffee without associating it with the need to smoke. Which is good, because I need my cups of coffee.

Every once in a while, though, a very strong urge to smoke hits me and I'm ready to go to my neighbor and beg for a cigarette. Pride and a dislike for my neighbor withhold me from doing so. They are nosy enough as it is. Besides, that would be one cigarette and I would still have to do without the rest of the time and it wouldn't help me one bit. It would just be a very temporary satisfaction.

I finished reading 'When We Were Orphans' last night and was very much impressed with it. The ending was especially exciting and very surprising and not at all what I was expecting. It was such a well written book and so very much believable that you started to think it had really happened, but of course it was impossible, but it is the hallmark of a great book and I wonder about the author's research for it. This is the kind of novel that will stay in my memory for a long time.

I started reading 'Man Walks Into Room' by Nicole Krauss. I've read this book before, but it was in a muddled past and I have forgotten nearly all of it, so it's like reading a new book. I'm looking forward very much to finishing it, because I remember enjoying it very much before and being impressed with it and I will read it all day today, unless I get distracted by the television. There are some cultural programs on this morning, so maybe...

My apartment is very clean, as the domestic help was here yesterday and it also seems to stay cleaner since I've quit smoking. There's less dust and no ashes and tobacco and the whole place looks better. I told the domestic help that whatever she cleaned well now would stay clean and there would not be that brown film on everything. She's been cleaning with ammoniac to get that off everything. She's a smoker herself and that's how she cleans at home. The one that comes on Monday also did a good job and that's the day I quit, so it made a difference from that day onward.

I think I will go back to bed for a little while and listen to the radio and see if I have any sleep left in me. I will find out soon enough if I'm done sleeping and if I should start the day officially now. According to Tyke it's not time yet, because he's sound asleep on the sofa. Gandhi is sound asleep in the armchair. It's still early in the morning and I haven't heard a sound yet outside. It's even too early for the paper delivery person.

I hope you all have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Doing what comes natural...

Because I was bored stiff yesterday evening, and there was nothing interesting on television, I took my book and a glass of milk and went to bed at 8:30. I read for a little while, but even though it was still light outside, I was sound asleep in the shortest amount of time. Needless to say, I woke up four hours later, wide awake and ready to get up again. It seems that four hours of sleep are all I can manage at one time. Doubtlessly that is because my sleeping pill stops working after that much time and that's what wakes me up form my artificially induced slumber. I'm probably not tired enough to sleep through the night, having taken naps during the day. There, that's a good analysis of that problem. Now I won't worry about that anymore.

Now I'm sitting here drinking a tall glass of milk after having had 2 cups of coffee. I'm about to have another one, because it tastes so good and makes my stomach feel full. There's no need to eat after drinking that much milk.

A few days ago I ordered a summer dress on line for half price. It arrived yesterday. It is very flattering and I ordered it in a size bigger than I usually wear because my size was not available. Because it's such a loose fitting dress, that's not so obvious and it fits nice and comfortably, which makes me think that it's may be better to wear loose fitting dresses in a bigger size. It hides all my bits and bumps and I can wear it with a pair of leggings. I like myself in it. I was buying tighter fitting dresses in a smaller size, but always very conscious of my body and I am not in this dress. To celebrate that bit of newly gained wisdom, I have ordered two more dresses and another pair of leggings and a pair of harem pants that I can also wear in the wintertime. I figured I deserved that much. It's a kind deed I've done for myself.

Since I think I don't do enough kind deeds for myself, I think I am entitled to one every now and then. I hardly ever spend any money on myself. I don't do anything for myself that costs money, except go to the hairdresser every six weeks or so to get my hair cut. I don't go out for meals, I don't go to the movies, I don't go to the museum, I don't take the bus. All I do is pinch pennies. I always think of what else I can do with every euro I spend. I guess I get real tired of denying myself things all of the time. That's why this time I said, "To hell with it," and ordered the things I wanted.

Now I'm going back to bed. I feel that I can sleep some more. There is the lure of the book and the lure of the soft pillows and the duvet.

Have a happy Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

Interludes.

I'm not ready to go to bed yet. I want to stay up and sit here in the quiet night a while longer and enjoy the company of the sleeping animals. Tyke is curled up in the arm chair and Gandhi is lying on the sofa. Toby is stretched out on the kitchen counter.

Of course, the moment I wrote that down, they all woke up and demanded attention. The cats wanted kibbles and milk and Tyke wanted to go out back and have a rawhide chewy. I took care of that and everyone is settled down again. They went back to their same places and seem very comfortable. I think they're in it for the long haul now.

I stood by the back door in my skimpy sun dress and enjoyed the very cool night air. It felt so good on my bare skin and I wished for it to be that way during the day. It's the wrong time of year to wish for that, though. Nowadays we always have hot summers. That's got to do with the climate change. I would like to live somewhere where the summers are cool and the winters are mild. Can anyone tell me of such a place?

We had a tiny little thunderstorm this afternoon and two and a half drops of rain fell. It was not the shower we had looked forward to. It was a cool enough day, so that was a blessing, but despite the fact that I had all the windows open, I could not get it cooled down enough in the apartment. It is still warm in here now. It's too bad that I can only leave the top windows open on a crack during the night, because it doesn't help much. Barely any cool air comes in.

The usual suspects showed up today. The Exfactor and my personal helper and the domestic help. The weekend started properly for me when everyone was gone in the afternoon. I'm blessed with the help, but I'm also happy when I'm on my own again. I was left with an easy mind and a clean apartment and took a nap on the sofa. That was my way of getting ready for the weekend.

No doubt I'll be taking a lot of naps. My sleep schedule is screwed up again and I'm sleeping at odd times. I have to try and get some order into it, but I can't seem to manage the self discipline it requires. I'm like a man in a cave without daylight who makes up his own schedule. I'm almost ignoring daylight and nighttime and I'm sleeping when I feel like it, although I do try to be more mobile during the day. It's when I have to walk the dog.

I had a big bowl of porridge for dinner and my stomach is very bloated and I have a lot of gas. I look like I'm about to deliver a baby. I hardly eat wheat products anymore and I wonder if I tolerate them at all. The only wheat product I really eat is porridge and I eat it once in a while. I always have the same reaction to it. I think I better stick to fresh fruit for roughage. The fruit juice also has a lot of pulp in it. I think I'm ready for another basket of strawberries and maybe some mandarin oranges. I'll have to send the Exfactor to the Turkish fruit and vegetable man when he's here next.

I've just taken my sleep medication, so I'll end this epistle and wish for sleep. I hope you all have a nice night and a good morning when you wake up.

Ciao,

Nora

Happy on a Saturday...

For a change, I slept the whole night again. That was such a nice thing to happen. No waking up in the very wee hours of the morning and rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I could tell by the way the trees cast shadows on the blind that it was a decent time to get up. I made sure I was all done sleeping, in case there was something left in my body, but then Tyke snuggled very close and made breathing almost impossible so I had to get up. He does have all that woolly fur that gets in your nose and your mouth.

So, now I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee and I'm slowly getting myself together. I watched a wonderfully gruesome "Silent Witness" last night and I'm surprised that I wasn't scared to go to bed and sleep on my own. I guess I don't scare as easily as I thought. As soon as the program was over, I put all thought of it out of my head. And when I say gruesome, I really mean it.

Yesterday was a nice day. The weather was warm, though there was a pleasant breeze, and the sun was shining all day. Tyke and I ended the day by going to my sister's garden and watering all the potted plants there. All the plants looked good, though, and they don't seem to have suffered from the hot weather. All the blossoms were lively and bright.

The day started with a visit from the Exfactor and he was kind enough to go to the store and buy me some ice cream. Oh yum, that was so delicious, but I don't want anymore now, because it's very dangerous to have in the freezer. When I know it's there, I hear it call my name. I have no self control at all. I'm an ice cream addict and I better not have it around me. It will cause me to gain a kilo or two. I should never have food in the apartment that I like a lot.

My personal helper got here next and while she was here I cleaned out two drawers of the dresser and found numerous photographs of whose existence I did not know. It means that I will have to get several photo albums. Well, several may not do it. Quite a few, actually. It depends on the kind I get. I threw some things away too in a trash bag that I will add to as I clean out the rest of the drawers. At least I know what's in the first two drawers now. I simplified the contents quite a bit. I even found some pieces of embroidery that I can work on when I get in that mood again. I had quite forgotten about them and haven't done that kind of work in a long time.

The personal helper and I took Tyke for a walk in the warm sunshine and she tried her best to keep up with us. I have to make sure Tyke doesn't walk too fast. He walks through the tall bits of grass and weeds and is always covered by pollen, but I seem to be over my allergies completely and am not bothered the least bit.

Just as the personal helper was about to leave, the domestic help got here and merrily set off to work with a bucket of suds. She spent a lot of time cleaning what I thought was a clean bathroom and then told me that the bathroom was coming along well. She must know something I don't and see dirt that I don't see. I always clean up after myself real well when I have showered or used the wash basin. I think I leave the bathroom behind spotlessly, but I guess I don't. She then dusted the apartment and hoovered and mopped the floors and was one whir of activity. I feel her back ache when I see her at work. She's amazing.

Today I have to do the dishes and hang up a load of laundry to dry and possibly change my bed. I do want to start using that new washing powder as soon as possible, but I have to use up the old one first. Waste not, want not. If I change my bed, I'll have another load of laundry to do and I can hang it up outside to dry. That brings me closer to using the new washing powder. Oh, for Pete's sake. I'll just use it anyway and throw out the old one. There's just a little bit left. Things you can get worried about, really. Talk about taking it to an extreme.

Alright, that's all settled then. I'm putting clean sheets on the bed and that will be nice for tonight. Yesterday afternoon I took a nap on the sofa. It was very pleasant, but I worried about not being able to sleep at night. Well, I need not have worried about that, because I slept very well. I think I will have another nap this afternoon. I feel in my bones that there is one coming up. Never let it be said that you can have enough sleep on any given day. There's always a good time for a nap. Eight hours of sleep is not enough. I need at least two more.

Have a great day.

Ciao,
Nora

An encore...

I took two 2 hour naps today, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I just woke up from the one in the afternoon, so I guess it was really one in the early evening. After the one in the morning, I wasn't sufficiently done sleeping to really start the day right. I had claimed here that I was so clear and levelheaded in the morning when I first got up, but after I walked Tyke, I realized how tired I still was and laid down on the sofa for a nap. I should have just gone back to bed for a proper sleep.I don't know why I thought that was improper for some reason, as if I was not supposed to lie in bed during the day.

My SPN called me after I had sent her the email about my grouchiness and the Welbutrin and told me not to make any changes in my medicines for 3 weeks so that I will stabilize and that they will be able to see then which medicine can be reduced or taken away completely. I begrudgingly made that promise, because 3 weeks is a long time to be grouchy, but I'm not it nonstop all day long so I guess I can live with that. You'll probably notice it in my posts when I am, though, and pay me no mind.

I walked to my sister's house in the afternoon with Tyke for some cappuccinos. My sister's dog is getting used to Tyke's enthusiasm, but doesn't quite want Tyke to have his toys yet. So he collects them under the table and guards them. They are doing better all the time and Tyke is learning to give Quinto his space and not to be too pushy. Quinto was used to Jesker and they got along well and now he has to get used to this little curious fellow who wants to be right there the whole time and be wherever he is. They'll work it out.

When I came back, I hung out on the computer for a while, but it was clear that I needed more sleep, so I laid down on the sofa again and was soon sound asleep once more. I'm just going to have to give into these urges to sleep during the day, because I am in a much better mood if I do and it doesn't seem to make that much difference with how much I sleep at night.

My template is back and I hope you can all read the font better on the white background. I have no way to enlarge it. You may all have to get reading glasses. Don't worry, I've got them too. There's no stigma attached to it. This is not the original watercolor template that I started out with, this is a new one in effort to get any template to show up at all. I can't find the unzip file with the watercolor template in it just now, but if I run into it, I will reinstall it, although I quite like this one too. I will go have a look for the other one in a minute. Maybe it is retrievable.

I need a tall glass of milk, so that's what I'm going to get. Have a good evening you all.

Ciao,
Nora

Midnight...

What better time to sit down and write a post than at midnight when everybody else has gone to bed and the neighborhood is silent and the world around me seems to be at peace? That is, my own little piece of the world. I'm well aware of the fact that the world at large is not at peace at all, but I don't want to depress myself by thinking about how much of this is actually true, so I'll skip over that whole discussion and stick to my own little corner of it. I feel quite helpless at the moment to do anything about the world's larger problems and conflicts. Well, I usually do. I find recycling hard enough to do.

I napped a lot today. This was to offset yesterday when I didn't nap as much and was busy doing chores and other important things. It was also to make up for that half a night of sleep I missed. I napped in the morning, the afternoon and the evening on the sofa with the TV on for company. I'm quite good at sleeping with the TV on and incorporate the sound into my dreams. Of course, it's not normal the amount of sleeping I do during the day. I seem to exist in a constant state of sleepiness, but I blame that on the medications and you all know my decision about those.

It seems to me that sometimes I am more than frank in my posts and afterwards it bothers me to no end that I was. I think there is such a thing as sharing too much of yourself and maybe sometimes I cross the line. I seem to get into a delirium and unload whatever is on my mind, however intimate my thoughts are. I don't delete these posts afterwards, because by then I have usually already received comments on them and it seems cowardly to pretend that I haven't written them. That's the danger of blogging like you write a diary. You put your thoughts out there and hope for the best, but I have yet to receive a nasty remark and I owe that to the kindness of my readers.

My own discomfort, though, does want me to moderate my words, but I know in the end that I will share my life with you again when I feel the need to unload, because I find that writing about it here is after all the best therapy. It helps me put my thoughts in order and get my priorities straight.

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In the meantime it is morning, because I had to go to sleep after I wrote all of the above. I'm having my first cup of coffee and it tastes mighty fine. Definitely worthy of a repeat.

I seem to be filled with some amount of quiet despair and I have to try and find out where it comes from. I think it has to do with me going to quit my medications and the daunting task that is going to be, because I'm not at all naive enough to think it's going to be easy. I suppose what bothers me is that I have not had a chance to discuss this with my SPN and my psychiatrist and I won't be able to properly until March the 11th when I have an appointment with both of them together. I see my SPN before that, but only for a half hour appointment and I won't have much time to explain my point of view to her. That's always very frustrating.

I'm just thinking that I can send her an email explaining my take on things now, so that she will be prepared when she sees me on Tuesday. That may be a good idea, but even that fills me with a certain amount of dread, because how do you get such an idea across and sound sane and reasonable at the same time?

I've decided not to take the paracetamol with codeine anymore lest I get hooked on that. I was allowed to take it 4 times a day and was obediently popping those pills, but this morning I didn't take one. I will only take one if it is absolutely necessary and I don't think that it is right now. I won't take them just because I'm allowed to. I can just see me developing a problem with those pills. I did take all of my other medications and won't start reducing anything until I have properly discussed it with my psychiatrist. It's tempting to start now, but I won't do it.

I can breathe through my nose again and my throat is hardly sore. I'm really not coughing anymore, just occasionally, so I think I am much better. That antibiotic is working. As far as I'm concerned, I declare myself healed, though I will finish the antibiotic, of course.

Okay, I'm going to write that email now. I hope you all have a great day.

Ciao,
Nora

Delete everything...

I've tried several times today to write a post, only to stop after a paragraph or two and to delete what I had written because I was unhappy with it. I turned off the computer each time and retreated to the sofa where I napped all day long in between attempts at writing a post. You all know that sleeping is my way of dealing with emotional upset, so I suppose this is my way of dealing with Jesker's death, which really does bother me in many more ways than even I am consciously aware of. I guess I am in mourning.

I did make it to the tobacco shop and I brought Tyke with me, which was a treat, because it was hurry up and run to the next interesting place and stop suddenly by the succeeding good smelling spot. I had to hit the brakes many times or drag him with me against his will. He does provide recreational entertainment.

And here is where I freeze up and don't know what else to write. A great tiredness falls over me and all I want to do is sleep and it seems like so much effort to keep on writing. So you'll have to excuse me if this is all I write, because I'm not going to delete this also. I'm going to put on my pajamas an bathrobe and pretend it's very late at night.

Ciao...

Where have I been?

I didn't realize it had been two days since I last posted until someone pointed it out to me. I have started many posts these past few days, only to delete them as being to depressing. I certainly don't want to write unless I can see the glass half full and not empty the way I have been seeing it lately. So, I will try it again and find some amount of optimism in myself and try to complete this to my satisfaction.

I haven't been doing a heck of a lot, but taking many naps on the sofa during which I have many interesting dreams. I don't do anything in between these naps, but maybe walk the dog or make myself a cup of coffee and smoke a cigarette. Then I lie down again and doze off. So I spend my day in an almost continuous state of sleep. I find it the most pleasant way to get through the day right now. It's a way to escape the unbearable heaviness of being awake.

Being awake means facing all the things I find myself incapable of doing. The things I absolutely don't have the energy for and the awful tiredness I feel constantly when I think about having to do these things. I seriously hope there's something wrong with me physically that can be put to rights with some medication, because I don't know what I'm going to do otherwise. I feel totally worn out.

Last night I went grocery shopping with my sister and it was almost more than I could bear. I felt like I had to run a marathon unprepared. When we arrived in the parking lot, I wanted to say to her to just take me home again, that I just couldn't do it. Regardless, I got all the shopping done and then faced unpacking it at home and putting everything away with a dread. It all got done one way or the other, but I don't want to go again until I feel better.

Something good happened yesterday too. Friend of the Bear sent me 8 books and they arrived yesterday. Yes, 8 books, under which A Room with a View, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie and The Birth of Venus by Sarah Dunant. Needless to say, this was a very welcome package and I couldn't wait to unwrap it and look at the books and give them a place on my bookcase. I think I will read A Room with a View first.

Now I will go to bed and try to get some more sleep. I'll see you all in the morning.

Ciao,
Nora

I sang the blues.

I had the blues all weekend and basically did nothing much but take naps on the sofa. I had the computer turned off for long periods of time and fell asleep on the sofa continually watching sports, either football or speed skating. Every once in a while there was a program on that caught my attention and for which I managed to stay awake, but mostly I slept and when I say I had the blues, I mean I really didn't feel like doing anything at all. I even thought about giving up blogging. My own mind was trying to trick me into thinking that nothing I did had any value at all and that I might as well quit doing anything and just play dead.

I never write that I'm having the blues while I'm having them, because it would mean that I'm giving into them and I don't want to do that, so yesterday I was incapable of writing a post. I would have written one lament after the other and it would have been a very depressing piece of writing. Yesterday, I decided, was a lost day and I don't mourn for it one bit. Apparently I needed a large time out of doing absolutely nothing and I wasted almost every minute of it. I did a few useful things such as walk the dog and put out the trash, but that is about it.

I am very busy while I sleep at night. I have the most interesting dreams in which I work out all sorts of issues from my past having to do with all sorts of people that belong there.They are not bad dreams, but like whole movies that take place in my head and very intricate and I'm sorry when I wake up and the dream stops. I try to go back to sleep and land in the dream where I left off. I'm constantly redeemed in my dreams and very happy and I'm always setting things right and making pleasant discoveries and all the symbolism is clear to me. I feel very lucky when I dream like this and it makes going to sleep a pleasure.

Now, however, it is Monday morning and time to get into the regular rhythm of life again. I have creative therapy this morning and an appointment with my psychiatrist and my SPN this afternoon. For creative therapy, I think I will get the painting that I'm working on on Wednesdays and work on it today, otherwise I will not get it done on time. I will start a smaller project on Wednesdays and work on the painting on Mondays and Fridays. All the classes stop on December the 1st or thereabouts. It's a shame, but that's the way it is. There's nothing anyone can do to change it. Upper management decides these things. It's a terrible thing when management, instead of health carers, decides the course of things for patients.

My dog is so sweet, the way he is lying at my feet, so innocent in his sleep. It makes your heart melt just to look at him. I can get so sentimental about him. Thank goodness that I allow myself to get sentimental about something. I so very rarely do nowadays. That's why, when you live alone, you need an animal in your life. It's really good for those stray feelings of love and affection and it's good to be responsible for something beside yourself.

Lately I've been listening to music again. I've been using the Real Player on which I have stored all of my own music. It's handy, because I just play whatever music I'm in the mood for and I have all kinds. I also have music that I loaned from the library, so I have extra choice. I have good speakers to go with the computer so it really is a pleasure to listen to it. I must say, that when it comes to material things, I came through the divorce well, because I got to keep almost everything and what I didn't, I don't miss. In the meantime, The Exfactor has managed to replace all the items he left behind and then some. I would have really missed the computer if I hadn't been able to keep it and the Exfactor has a laptop and a PC now.

I was very lucky in that we had just refurbished the living room and everything was new or repainted and when I imagine that while we were doing this the Exfactor was having an affair, I have to laugh, because that explains the reason why he was so co-operative. If I hadn't been so naive I would have figured it out sooner. Oh well, water under the bridge now. In the end I did and that's the most important thing. I did get a nice living room and that is important to me. I mustn't think about it being left undone and having to fix it up all by myself. Horrors!

I remember when the Exfactor officially left and I walked through the apartment and touched everything and said to myself, "This is mine now, all mine." It was especially important to get my own name on the mailbox and I'll never forget the day that it was. Those were very special moments. It was my emancipation and for the first time in my life I was really free. I do have the Exfactor and his affair to thank for that. He did me no small favor. For as badly shaken up as I was at first, I sure took it well when it came down to divorcing him. That was one of the best things I ever did. The liberation of me. And I got to keep the dog too!

Well, it's time to get the day started. I have to feed the dog and walk him and do numerous other things. At least the blues are gone now.

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

Another day dome...

I'm keeping a close eye on the thermometer inside the apartment. The moment it drops below 19 degrees Celsius, I'm closing the windows in the bedrooms. It is now exactly 19 degrees and it's 2 degrees outside. I'm sitting here in my bathrobe and slippers and I'm actually more then warm enough, so it could even drop down below 19 degrees before I take action. I simply refuse to turn on the heater, though. I think all of my neighbors must be heating their places well for my apartment to stay so warm. I'm not going to give them a clue and keep my energy bill as small as possible, but I've already said that, so let me not be repetitive.

Today has been an absolutely forgettable day, but you mustn't really say that about any day, must you? It's a god given day after all and you must make of it what you can. Regardless, nothing the least bit exciting happened. It was as dull and flat as the Kansas plains (except that in the springtime those can be real pretty with all the prairie flowers).

The highlights of the day were the two long naps I took, one in the morning and one in the evening. That's why I'm up at this ungodly hour. I fell asleep, as usual, watching the news and woke up at 11 pm with a huge thirst for a cup of coffee and a computer session. Why I have these stubborn notions late at night I have no idea, but there you go. Instead of being soundly asleep in bed, I'm sitting here thinking that now I will start drinking fruit juice or hot milk. Of course, hot milk has the added benefit that it makes you sleepy and then I could take my sleeping pill at the same time. Decisions, decisions!

I got dressed and walked the dog this morning and then ate some nice warm porridge for breakfast, which made me sleepy, and fully dressed, I laid down on the sofa and in the shortest amount of time I was asleep and slept for 3 hours. So you see how I wasted the whole morning doing absolutely nothing but walk the dog. Of course, when I woke up, I had to have a cup of coffee and check my emails and answer those and when I was done with that, it was time to walk the dog again. My whole day revolves around walking the dog. He makes sure I get enough fresh air and rosy cheeks.

I had tea with my sister in the afternoon. She always forgets that I put sugar in my tea and I have stopped reminding her and drink it without. She also forgot to give me a cookie, so I got my own. It's handy if you know where those are kept. They happened to be really good ones with chocolate on them. Because my sister lives in a big 2.5 story house on a corner, she had the heater on and needless to say, her energy bill is more than 3 times higher than mine. That's in a new, well insulated house with double glazing everywhere. A big house is expensive in the upkeep.

I've lived in big houses and know the responsibility of ownership, that's why I'm so happy to live in this relatively small apartment now. I have rent control and a cheap service contract and no worries about the upkeep. I can paint it green and purple on the inside if I want and have the most hideous carpet, as long as I take it out when I move, but I'm never going to move. I'm in a perfect location in a nice middle class neighborhood. Oh yes, I care about those things. Crime rate and all that. I wouldn't want to live in the next neighborhood over. There are some very strange people living there. Generations of families that all stick together and have feuds and lives of crime. Not all of them, of course, but you do have to live with them.

It's taking me forever to write this, because I'm constantly distracted by my own thoughts and go into a reverie every few sentences and smoke a cigarette. This way the whole night is passing by rather quickly. I could be on a long journey staring out the window gazing at the scenery. It is of great interest as I pass by it. Large portions of my life pass through my mind and I am reminded of so many things while I write this. It's not with displeasure that I look at them, I just remember them and observe them and think about how it was to be alive then and what a difference it is from today.

I never thought I would have ended up as a single 55 year old woman in the Netherlands, living on my own with a dog and two cats and being creative, though in a way it is close to the picture that I secretly had of myself when I thought about me in the future. I often thought of myself as a solitary human being on her own, in her own life, somewhere in the Netherlands, brewing coffee on an Autumn morning and being free to think her own thoughts. The surroundings are different, but the basic premise is right. I just thought that was an imaginary me I was dreaming about. I didn't know it would come about like this. So, in the end I've become the person I imagined myself to be one day. I better live up to that now.

I've added a collage to my art blog here. Please go have a look and become a follower. The more, the merrier.

I'll go have that glass of warm milk now. I've taken my sleeping pill, but it's not working yet. That means sleeping late in the morning.

Ciao,
Nora

A good kind of morning...

It is early still, but I got up early after having gone to bed at 7:30 yesterday evening. I was so tired that it made me feel depressed and I knew the best thing to do was to go to sleep. I took some naps during the day, but apparently none were long and deep enough to make up for the whole night that I had been up. I feel very well rested now, though, and as a result, my mood has improved dramatically. I feel that I can tackle the day and whatever it will bring, although I secretly hope that it will not be too complicated. I really hope for a quiet and simple day in which I have to do nothing more exciting than walk the dog and do a load of laundry. I am quite ready for that after the stress that I've felt for the last week or so.

I woke up in the middle of the night and thought for a few seconds that I was done sleeping and that I had to get up, but I grabbed the book I was reading and half a sentence later I was asleep again. I'm glad I didn't give in to the urge to get up, because I very easily could have and sat here behind the computer in a discombobulated mood, not knowing it was due to interrupted sleep. Such a fool I have been many times and hidden it by drinking cups of coffee, thus artificially awakening myself and wondering why I mentally felt so bad.

It was good to sleep in my own bed in my cozy bedroom. The animals were there too and this time Gandhi had taken over the pillow completely so the dog had to sleep beside it. He doesn't have enough sense to push her off or to complain about it. He just resigns himself to it and lies down on the hard floor. No wonder his elbows are showing little bare patches. Toby slept on the bed beside me, as is usual, and I think it is very sweet that he is so attached to that spot, because during the day it is Gandhi who comes to me to be petted the most and Toby only asks for it occasionally. They take turns lying on top of me when I lie down on the sofa. It's whoever spots me first that gets to lie on my stomach, showing me that my body is like a beached whale that needs to be claimed by the first occupier.

The Exfactor did the grocery shopping for me yesterday and he said that he will do them for me whenever I want him to. This is very tempting and I could ask him every time, because he is here twice a week, but it is the intention that one of these days I do them myself again, otherwise it will become like a mountain that I can't climb and it will loom larger every time I need groceries. It is such a huge relief not to have to do them myself and to only have to put them away when he comes home with them. It's like someone gave me the nicest present I could have asked for. I should be all taken care of through the weekend, but on Monday I will have to try and go myself. I wish I could do my grocery shopping on line, but unfortunately we're not that far advanced yet and I don't know what the extra cost of it would be.

I fixed the Exfactor a cup of the very good brand of coffee the other day and now he wants to drink that and not drink the decaf anymore. I can't blame him, because the decaf tastes like dishwater in comparison, so now that pack of coffee pads just sits on the shelf waiting for whatever fool to come around who likes decaf. I you ever want good coffee, the name of the brand is Fortzze and I have the dark roast.

I think I am rapid cycling, which is not a strange phenomenon to me, and today is going to be a happy day. I will let it happen as it comes, keeping in mind not to get shot as high as the moon and the stars. When I am in this kind of a mood, there is the tendency to want to do all sorts of activities, but you should do the opposite of what your very urge is and do low key things that don't excite you. At least I will not go out and spend all kinds of money, because I simply don't have it. So there is no danger in that area of my life. I've already stated some time ago that I don't want to be a victim of my moods, but I meant specifically my hypomanic moods with that, because I think they are the ones that can get me into the most trouble. Now, when I feel one coming on, I very much put the brakes on and tell myself to go easy and not get out of hand. I have a good grip on my hypomanic moods.

I'm waiting for my dog to wake up so I can take him for a walk. He is asleep in the hallway and refusing to get his act together. I guess I'll have to be the one to get the show on the road. He is normally already up by this time, but he is getting old and becoming more attached to his sleep. I have a whole cup of coffee and plenty of cigarettes, so I suppose I can out wait him, but I know that any minute now he's going to wake up and have to go out in a hurry.

Okay, that's it for me for this morning.

Have a really nice day. It's supposed to rain here.

Ciao,
Nora