For old time's sake...

No, I haven't disappeared down a rabbit hole like Alice in Wonderland, nor would I have enjoyed the kind of strange adventures that she had. I like my life served up straighter than that. My days have mostly been very ordinary but much improved from how they had been in the past. I still continuously count my blessings, although lately I take the credit for a lot of them myself.

I'm getting used to this new and improved version of myself and am no longer so surprised every day. I'm starting to grow into my own personality and learning to trust it. So far, I am managing to keep myself busy but I think I am going to need to find a useful activty to fill my spare time. I am thinking about doing volunteer work and hopefully will find something that will suit me.

Tyke and I are taking ever increasingly longer walks three times a day all over the place. Sometimes I plan them ahead of time and sometimes I make them up as we go along. We both enjoy them very much and there is much to discover. The world is our oyster and we don't let the rainy weather discourage us.

I've lost so much weight that I now weigh what I used to when I was twenty years old. To say that I am pleased is putting it mildly. I love my skinny self and didn't have to suffer for it. I do look quite normal and not like a famine victim. I'm having my gastric band emptied a little in August so I will be able to eat larger portions of food in the future.There's no need to lose more weight.

At her invitation, I will be staying with my daughter in Texas for Christmas and New Year's. That's still some time away but I am looking forward to it very much. I can't think of a lovelier way to spend the holidays.

The sun has just come out again and Tyke is gently reminding me that it's time to go for a walk.

The latest news.

After getting off the anti-psychotics completely, I did have to go back on a small dose of them but they did not cause the unpleasant  side effects that they did for a little while and I'm now completely adjusted to this dose. It's been a pleasant journey of discovery and getting to know myself all over again.

I am very rarely scared or sad like it turned out I was so very often. It's the near absence of them that made me realize it. If I ever am, it's because I'm having a momentary energy dip and it's quickly resolved by drinking a cup of coffee. Fear and sadness are not emotions that are hovering in the back of my mind all the time any longer.

I'm mostly very alert and upbeat and fearless. I am now who I´ve wanted to be for a long time. I´m not intimidated by life anymore or by the details that are involved in living it. I am not overwhelmed and things are back to their proper proportions and manageable.

I suppose I get to be the optimist I wanted to be all along. It´s nice that I was prepared for it.

Withdrawing...

I have had some very tough days and I don't know if they are over yet. I am sitting here now in the peacefulness of the early morning with a cup of coffee and things seem to be bettter but it can be a temporary situation and the storm may pick up again any moment. I will take advantage of this quiet time and put down my thoughts.

Since I quit the anti-psychotics completely I have had withdrawal symptoms that have been most unpleasant. What I felt more than anything was wave after wave of stress and anxiety which made me wish very often that I was taking something stronger than the Valerian tablets to help me relax.

The stress and anxiety aren't triggered by any outside events because I keep everything very free of triggers. It is a process that takes place inside of me. On top of that, I've not been sleeping well and I'm sure that's not helping the situation.

I can't say anything about life without anti-psychotics because this is not a reflection of it. This is just some odd chemical reaction in my brain I am going through. 

I do use my willpower and strength of mind to not lose the plot completely. I am not completely at the mercy of this process that's taking place. I feel that if I stay as calm and collected as possible, I can see it through. A sheer amount of stubborness does come into play also.

I will let you know what happens next.

On a quiet night...

I find myself in a relatively peaceful state of mind and will take the opportunity to share a bit of what has been going on around here with you. Not that an awful lot has, I spent most of my days in the pursuit of quiet activities. That is because I'm in the process of quitting the last little bit of my anti-psychotics because it became impossible for me to take it any longer. 

The last little bit that I was taking was giving me hot flashes and a case of nerves that only wore off over the course of the day. It was kind of unpleasant and it became a real bother to take that pill in the morning. It was not something that I was looking forward to. 

Because I was taking such a small dose, I will probably not have much of a withdrawal effect but I am not completely steady on my feet. It will probably take me the better part of a week to get back to normal but I am not doing too badly for the most part.

As a result of that, I don't have any big expectations of myself this week and I keep daily life relatively simple and very structured. I try to spend time living in the moment and to not anticipate what is going to happen too much. It is a real reward when I achieve that. 

I suppose I will always be a bit of a Buddhisr and always be in pursuit of my Zen moments. I do strive for peace of mind. 

I've lost weight and fit into my summer dresses really well which is good because the weather has been very agreeable. We will have summertime yet.

Blogging.

Because of my newly acquired change of attitude, there is a difference in how I approach this blog. I am not sure anymore what I want to write about while that has never been a problem in the past. In the past I wrote down the minutest details of my life whether they mattered or not and now it seems like a silly exercise. 

I don't know what I want to share with you instead although I have already given it a lot of thought. It doesn't seem important anymore to write down all sorts of things that I ponder on and that happen in my life and this blog's use as a kind of confessional has certainly ended. It's also not the life line it used to be. 

I've got to find a different use for it and I can only do that by trying out different subjects and making myself comfortable writing about them.

My daily life hasn't changed a lot, so I am not suddenly going to entertain you with stories of all new adventures. My attitude and inner life have changed, that's where the difference lies. 

It's good for a body to do with less medication. In a less drugged state, a whole new world opens up to you and you get to be in touch with your emotions which turn out not to be such scary things after all.

More than enough...

I am going through some changes now that I am on a much lower dose of anti-psychotics. I feel much more alert and aware of my emotions and no longer sedated. After having felt so for a long time, this state of mind is a whole new experience and it takes some getting used to. I don't think it is unpleasant, but these changes are something I constantly observe in myself and am surprised by. 

I find that my attitude about a lot of things is changing and while it is, I don't want to make up my mind about anything because I don't know what the final outcome will be. I've completely lost interest in some things that I liked. Some things that I was convinced of about myself I am now less sure of. I am in transition and time will tell with what sort of state of mind I will end up.

My psychiatrist had always felt that I was on too high a dose of the anti-psychotics and wanted me to lower it some time in the future, although I don't think he had counted on me ending up on a dose quite this low. The high dose was a legacy from my old psychiatrist.

I will keep you all up to date as the changes continue and I am more sure of myself.

Ciao,

Irene