For old time's sake...

No, I haven't disappeared down a rabbit hole like Alice in Wonderland, nor would I have enjoyed the kind of strange adventures that she had. I like my life served up straighter than that. My days have mostly been very ordinary but much improved from how they had been in the past. I still continuously count my blessings, although lately I take the credit for a lot of them myself.

I'm getting used to this new and improved version of myself and am no longer so surprised every day. I'm starting to grow into my own personality and learning to trust it. So far, I am managing to keep myself busy but I think I am going to need to find a useful activty to fill my spare time. I am thinking about doing volunteer work and hopefully will find something that will suit me.

Tyke and I are taking ever increasingly longer walks three times a day all over the place. Sometimes I plan them ahead of time and sometimes I make them up as we go along. We both enjoy them very much and there is much to discover. The world is our oyster and we don't let the rainy weather discourage us.

I've lost so much weight that I now weigh what I used to when I was twenty years old. To say that I am pleased is putting it mildly. I love my skinny self and didn't have to suffer for it. I do look quite normal and not like a famine victim. I'm having my gastric band emptied a little in August so I will be able to eat larger portions of food in the future.There's no need to lose more weight.

At her invitation, I will be staying with my daughter in Texas for Christmas and New Year's. That's still some time away but I am looking forward to it very much. I can't think of a lovelier way to spend the holidays.

The sun has just come out again and Tyke is gently reminding me that it's time to go for a walk.

Becoming whole...

I would like to sit on top of a hill in a colorful meadow and watch the sun come up right now. The moment is perfect for it. At least, that's how it is with my mood. The weather might not quite co-operate because it is overcast. It would be hard to see a pretty dawn. The sun might be a bit obscured. 

The thought of sitting on a colorful hill is appealing, though. I mean for it to be covered with wildflowers that I would not pick because they would not last long in a vase. Years ago I might have tried that but I've since grown wiser. I'd  leave them where they belong now. 

It is still early in the morning and I've been up for a while. I have no reason to be up already except that I think I'm done sleeping. It's not as if I've got an exciting day ahead of me. I could cry at the thought of the emptiness of it. I will instead try to think of the potential it carries. 

I've got to remember to see the glass half full. 

I can always talk myself into counting my blessings and geting excited about the least little detail in my life that will add some color to it. I'm very good at self delusion, you could say. That is a blessing in itself. I learned to do this as a child when there was a lot of strive around me from which I had to emotionally escape. It wasn't the presence of good experiences that created happiness. It was the absence of bad ones that did it.

I think I will go back to bed and try to sleep some more. The animals are still in a sleepy mode so I may as well also be. 

Have a good Sunday.

Ciao,
Irene

Some thoughts...

I have just woken up from a nap and for the first time today hardly feel any stress. That nap must have helped me get over it. Maybe I needed the sleep to reset my mind. Maybe I wasn't ready this morning to get up out of bed yet. I may have gotten up prematurely. 

Whatever it was, I'm doing a lot better now and am much more relaxed. It is possible too that I am because the day is almost over and it isn't looming ahead of me anymore with all its responsibilities. Not that I have that many but I'm always accutely aware of the role I play in my own life and that of the animals and I never do feel quite in charge. 

That is until I have taken a nap in the afternoon and get up again. For some reason everything seems much simpler then and I can face life as it is with whatever comes with it. I do count my blessings at the end of the day. 

I felt too much stress earlier to do the relaxation exercises that I learned yesterday although they doubtlessly would have helped me very much. I kept waiting for the right moment to do them but it never came. I suppose that I'm going to have to create the right moment myself. I keep reaching for old methods while new ones should work now. I just have to try and get into the habit. 

In another life, I used to do a lot of gardening and my mind has been going back to that time. I'm thinking about the things I would have done differently knowing what I do now and how I would create a garden if I had the opportunity to do so again.

More than anything, gardening was a very relaxing activity. It was something I got lost in and could spend hours doing. When I was not actually gardening, I spent much time looking at the garden while I enjoyed drinking a cup of coffee and smoked my cigarettes. It was a great pleasure to watch things grow and you do have to have patience for that. 

I would enjoy that kind of activity again and I dream about having another garden in California. Maybe some day my wish will come true. 

Ciao,

Irene

At Dawn...

I'm very cozily sitting here with my cup of coffee after having been mightily entertained by Tyke and his tennis ball, which I had to roll across the living room numerous times. Of course, we couldn't make too much noise for fear of waking up the neighbors, but we had a good time anyway as silently as we could. I didn't bounce the ball off the furniture too much.

Yesterday evening I took the big African walking stick and swept it under the sofa and all sorts of things reappeared that Tyke could play with and he's had a good time ever since. I had not realized that so much had disappeared under the sofa. He found a good rawhide bone to chew on too, so he's intermittently been busy with that. I'll be regularly sweeping under the sofa with that big African walking stick now.

Yesterday was a nice enough day and overall I felt content enough for no reason in particular except for the fact that I was alive and well. Sometimes you just count a blessing as simple as that, especially if you've just watched the daytime news and seen the calamities on it. It does make you feel very safe and privileged and you're thankful for the country you live in. Still.

I always like Fridays, because that's when my hardest working domestic help gets here, who takes special pride in really getting the apartment spotless and I'm always so grateful to her for doing that. She always looks at me with a great deal of satisfaction when she's done and it is a wonderful start to the weekend for me. I completely relax in the afternoons, knowing that everything is in order and that all I have to do is pick up well after myself.

I dress with care every day, as if I'm going to meet someone important, and I do it purely for myself so that I will feel good. I decorate myself with something extra if I'm in the mood. A necklace or a scarf. Usually I'm in the mood. I check myself in two mirrors. The bathroom mirror and the long mirror of the closet door. Both of them show me in kindly light and hide my imperfections and that is fine with me. I don't need to be closely scrutinized by myself. I pretend the world sees me in the same way.

My sister gave me two English language books. They're both literature and a little hard to get through, she found. That means they're going to be a challenge and I like challenges. I like it when I have to pay attention to a novel and really have to make an effort. When I'm not just reading for relaxation, but also to use my head and figure out harder to understand concepts. The books are "A Woman of Salt" by Mary Potter Engel and "Unconfessed"by Yvette Christiansë.

At the rate I'm amassing books, I'm not going to run out of anything to read for a while. I've still got about 40 unread novels. I'll read them in due time if I don't get side tracked by something else. I'm really into thrillers right now and there is the lure of another Inspector Linley. I'm perfectly willing to be completely surprised by their outcomes. I read them purely for pleasure and I don't necessarily have to know ahead of time who the perpetrator is, although it's nice to speculate.

I'm going to eat breakfast and go back to bed for awhile. I just stood by the back door and I'm cold now. I'm looking forward to getting under the duvet where it is nice and warm. It's the best way to start a Saturday.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Yes, we have no bananas...

It's snowing again, but it's the kind of snow that's almost rain, or frozen mist. It's very pretty, though, and when I walked in it with the dog it made my coat all white. I saw people trying to clear paths in front of their houses, but some aren't too bright and leave big heaps of snow on the sidewalk, forcing you to walk in the street, which is very slippery. They don't get a medal for snow clearing. They get penalties. I just haven't decided what they are yet.

I was supposed to go to the post office today, but wild horses couldn't drag me there, and I have decided to go there on Wednesday when I also have to go see my SPN. Having decided that, my rate of anxiety dropped considerably and I could breathe normally again. It is such a relief to know that I won't have to go out there today, but just to walk the dog. Knowing that I have to go on Wednesday is causing me enough anxiety, but I can push that aside for now. There's no need to make myself crazy about that today.

My neighbor across the street is doing a real good job clearing a path. He means business. He gets right down to the pavement and throws all the snow far away from the path he's cleared. That will make it easier to walk there with the dog. Another place less to break my neck.

I slept in very late this morning, and after I had been up for a while, I had the audacity to go back to bed and sleep until one pm. I had a cup of coffee and took the dog for a walk and he was very grateful. He had only been out back to piddle. I do have the most patient dog in the world and he just waits for me to get my act together whenever. I was going to say, while he sits there with his legs crossed, but it isn't as bad as all that. He just goes to sleep until I'm ready, but during the final minutes he's very alert and he watches me like a hawk.

The path that my neighbor cleared has been covered with snow already and my neighbor has given up and gone back inside. I didn't think he would give up that easily. I thought he was more stubborn than that.

The trash people did come by today and so did the green bin people, so some things are happening just like they are supposed to. The recyclable paper people didn't come by on Saturday. They must have been discouraged by all the new snow that had fallen.

It's snowing very hard now and everything is getting covered up by a new layer. All the footprints are getting wiped out. I like that, because it is easier to walk on the snow than on the icy layer that's underneath it. Some people sweep away the snow but leave the icy layer underneath and you take your life in your own hands when you walk there. Some people have no sense. They don't deserve a medal for snow clearing either and they get a red card.

I'm waiting for the day when I'll get over my inertia and over my agoraphobia. When suddenly those things will no longer be a problem for me. It has happened in the past that I woke up in the morning and that they had disappeared as snow for the sun and I'm waiting for that to happen again. It's like a switch gets flipped inside my head and suddenly I'm on the other side of the spectrum. I long for that day to come, when I'll have courage again and passion. I'm living a very low key life right now and am just going through the motions of being alive and doing only the most basic things. The most active I am is on the computer, because I can focus my mind on one singular activity and cut myself off from the world around me, except for the dog, of course, who comes to be petted regularly. He forces me to pay attention to him.

Other than that, it's not much. I barely remember to water the plants. Only when I see the dire need they are in do I think of it and then I forget about it again some time later. They will probably die, unless they are very forgiving. You see, I have a terrible attitude. The nodule on my throat has gotten bigger and I suppose I have to go to the doctor for that. I don't know if I should worry about that. I have to do two loads of laundry and they are just sitting there waiting for me to do them.

Well, I'll try not to be so negative and look at things from a more optimistic point of view. I am sitting here with a delicious glass of juice and a very good tasting cigarette. These are the little pleasures of life. Another pleasure is that it's almost time for dinner and that the news will be on in a while and I can see what kind of chaos the weather caused in the rest of the country, not that that is a pleasure, of course, but it is a form of entertainment. Nobody I know is out on the road making a long journey and is stuck in traffic. You have to count your blessings.

Alright. I'm going to turn on the television and get ready for the news. My dog is being restless. I don't know what he wants. We have been out and now he's trying to dig a hole in the linoleum. I think his old age is getting to him.

Have a good rest of the day!

Ciao,
Nora

I ought to...

I should be running around now like a chicken with its head cut off, but instead I'm sitting here cool as a cucumber writing this post. I am a terrible housewife and think I can pull the whole thing off in less than one hour. I probably will too. I'll pretend to be in great haste and speed through my chores like a mad Tasmanian Devil and get them done in the shortest amount of time. Well, I don't have to pretend to be in great haste, I will actually be so, because J. will be here at 2 pm and I better be done by then. Do you think I like to live on the edge? I would say I do.

I was up part of the night and went to bed early in the morning. The alarm clock woke me at 7 am, but I shut it off, of course, and went back to sleep. When I was ready to wake up, I really wasn't. I could have slept some more and I've needed two cups of coffee to wake up properly and many cigarettes. My addictions have been adequately fed now and I am just about ready to face the inevitability of the day.

We're going to have rain showers today, but it is actually going to be warm for the time of year. A whole 16C, that is 60F for you Americans. It is unheard of.

I'm going to rattle through this post as fast as I can and only tell you things that happen to pop up in my head randomly. Oh yes, I posted a new story on my writing blog. You know where to find it. At least I hope you do. If you don't, you can find it here. There, I helped you out after all. Now there's no excuse not to go and read it. It's a six sentences.

I must remember to not slump in the chair, but to sit upright, because it is better for my back. Sometimes I'm leaning way over to the left and I wonder why I can't see the keyboard properly. Right now I'm doing my best to sit up straight with both feet planted firmly on the ground, and believe me, it is a much better position to be in. It's so easy to forget good habits and to let yourself sit like a sack of potatoes, resulting in all sorts of aches in your body that are unnecessary. The thing to remember is to have both feet on the ground and both buns planted firmly in the chair and to have your back straight and self supporting.

I think my mattress must be a very good one, because I rarely wake up with a backache. It is a firm one and the underlying system is firm too. It doesn't give a lot. I had to get used to it when I first had it and I thought it was too firm and I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep on it, but now that I've had it for more than a year, I must say that it has been good for me and that I seldom have backaches anymore. But I do get muscle aches from sitting incorrectly in the computer chair and because of the curve in my spine, I will always have that tendency to lean to the left.

Lord, if that's the worst of it, then I don't have much to complain about. I will count my blessings as I discover them and remember to look for them in all the right places. They shouldn't be too hard to find.

This opposed to the situation my blogging friend Maggie May finds herself in. It would be very good of you if you stopped by her blog and sent her some good thoughts and well wishes, because she sure can use them now. She just discovered that she has secondary cancer and has to deal with that fact and it is very difficult, but she's a real trooper. It makes me want to count my blessings all the more and appreciate my good health every day of my life. From one day to the next, you can suddenly find yourself in a completely life altering situation.

The animals are becoming unruly and want to be fed and watered. My plants want to be watered too. I forgot to do that last week and they look a little dry, especially now that I have the heater on. Actually, the heater goes on seldom, because it does stay warm in here very well. I have the thermometer set at 20C and I feel the radiators every once in a while, but very often they are cold, meaning the space is warm enough. Bless my neighbors for that.

I need to get the show on the road now and get dressed and start cleaning. I'll whip that vacuum cleaner through the apartment so fast, I'll be like Speedy Gonzalez. And mop that bathroom floor. Nothing can defeat me. I'll do it with the greatest of ease and all the muscle power I have.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and that you don't have all those ran showers like we are having. Unless you need them, of course. Maybe you are in a very dry part of the world.

Ciao,
Nora