The better stuff...

At least I can tell you one thing for certain, I'm having better instant coffee now than I have been having. I got the better brand today which I won't mention by name but it is very well known. It sure makes a difference in how good the coffee tastes and I'm drinking it with more pleasure. I no longer make an ugly face when I take the first sip. I'm even looking forward to the second cup.

I've got groceries in the apartment and I can eat good things again. I celebrated that by eating vanilla pudding and I peeled an apple for the dog which he ate with much enthusiasm. The only problem is that I cut myself in my thumb while peeling the apple and it went deep. For a while (about an hour) I was bleeding all over the place. I have to be careful with my thumb now or it will start all over again. Do you know how difficult it is not to use your thumb? 

It is raining outside and has been for a while. I thought it was just a shower at first but it kept on raining and hasn't stopped for the past hour and a half. The dog very enthisiastically wanted to go for a walk just now but I let him out back and he got the message. He's now lying belly up beside me with his four paws in the air, sound asleep. He's so exposed, it does make you want to tickle him. I'll be kind and not do that. I've got to think of my thumb too. 

I'm still yawning from the nap I took. I thought, while I wait for my thumb to stop bleeding I might as well take a nap. The animals slept on the bed with me and it was very cozy. I like the room I sleep in now and am used to it. It is very much my room. I would like to add some different furniture to it but those are just future dreams. I can go to the Ikea website any time and long for all the things I want to get. Because I smoke again, I won't have the money to get anything. That's the price I pay. 

Since it's Saturday evening, there will no doubt be many boring television shows on. I will have to find another way to amuse myself. I don't hang out on Facebook much anymore having become completely bored with it for the moment. So that's one activity behind the computer that has ceased.

Today I started reducing my anti-psychotics some more. This is in order to elevate my mood just a little bit. I'm not depressed but I think I can be a little bit more cheerful and I think the anti-psychotics are dampening my mood just a little bit too much. I'm just reducing them by 1 mg at first and if all goes well, I'll reduce them by another 1 mg. I'll go slowly on this and not hasten anything. The first week is the most important and will tell me a lot. 

I hope you're all having a good weekend and that your weather is kind to you. 

Ciao,

Irene

A brief moment in time...

That's what I intend to describe here anyway, although it will probably turn in to a description of many long moments in time because I'm sitting here comfortably with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and am not about to go anywhere. I'm still sleepy enough to be nice and mellow but alert enough to make sense. At least I'm not in one of my hypo-manic moods and floating on a cloud. I'm completely down to earth where I belong. 

I've done some sleeping already because I went to bed early last night. I didn't have the patience to stay up late and watch television. I wanted to get comfortable under the duvet and drift off into sleep and dreamland. I don't remember if I dreamed or not. If I did, it wasn't very impressive because nothing stayed with me. They must have just been very ordinary things that weren't worth remembering. 

I hope that when I go back to bed, the rest of my night will be like that also. 

There's not much to talk about when you're down to earth where you belong. I'm frantically searching in my mind for subjects to discuss and all I can think of are the things I already talked about on my other blog. I don't want to fall into repetition so I won't be discussing them.  I suppose that I'm not as alert as I thought I was because normally I have no problem coming up with things to talk about. 

That warrants another cup of coffee and I'm drinking it now. Hopefully it will loosen me up a bit. It's a terrible thing when your mind lets you down. It's the one thing you have to be able to rely on. That's why you have to run a little interference every now and then and give it a little stimulance. A mind on its own sometimes can't do a lot but sit there and be very dull. And that is very boring. 

My therapist wants me to see a woman who does breathing and relaxation techniques. She teaches you how to do them. My therapist thought they might be good for me to know because I now use tranquilizers. I'm somewhat interested in this and already know the woman who teaches them from yoga classes that I took a long time ago and I know that she's a very agreeable person.  I was happy to hear that she made it through the budget cuts. 

Today I have to go to a center of activities to see if there's a creative class I may be interested in. Hopefully there's a group of women I will find something in common with. I have to meet the leader of the group today. I'm a bit nervous about this because it's a new venture, but it is very close to where I live. It's a ten minute walk away from the apartment so it couldn't be better. I just have to gather up my courage. Whatever I have of it. 

You wouldn't think I was scared of trying out new things but I am. I'm less brave than you may think I am. There's always a hurdle I have to get over. I can talk myself out of things very easily. I mustn't do that this time because it is an opportunity to get involved with something interesting and to be socially engaged. I must be courageous. 

I'm going to take my somewhat timid self to bed now and get some more sleep. If I'm able to after this second cup of coffee. I may be too wired. Maybe I'll have to pay Facebook a visit first. I'll see.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

For old time's sake...

I'm trying out being back here for a time or two while I have to stress that this is not my main blog anymore. That's the one that's listed in the top right of the sidebar. That's where I do my real serious writing. But I do have to say that I was a little bit homesick for this one, so for old time's sake I'm going to write a post here and maybe I'll do it more often. 

I do have those hours to spare in the middle of the night when I've gotten up out of a sound sleep and I've had my cups of coffee and am about to have my glasses of milk. Since it is now going to be Sunday morning, I can waste these hours all I want and take my time going back to bed.

There is kind of a comfort to be on familiar ground and feel that I don't have to pull a rabbit out of my hat. I don't have to perform any party tricks. I don't mean to imply that I can lie down on the job and write just any sort of nonsense here, but I do feel less pressure to be perfect. Maybe I feel that my audience is more kindly here. I feel that you don't scrutinize me the way I feel scrutinized on my other blog. The fact that I share it on facebook probably has a lot to do with that. I do feel naked to the world. 

It's with some amount of pleasure that I think about the coming day, although I have nothing too special planned. Later in the afternoon, my sister and I are going to see the film "The Help." I gave her the book to read for Christmas and she enjoyed it very much. I have yet to read it, but I don't mind seeing the film first. It will be a fun outing because the theater is so nice to go to. It's got a good ambience and a cozy cafe. . 

I will take the dog for many walks because the weather has been good and perfectly nice to go out in. He does so enjoy going for walks and it keeps him from getting cabin fever which was beginning to become a problem. He became a bit bored with things and I realized that he had to go out more. Besides, it's good for me too. We both benefit. Nature isn't that beautiful yet, but things are starting to pop out of the ground and make you hopeful for springtime. We have to be patient just a little while longer.

If you feel so inclined, don't forget to go to Irene's Dutch Diva Blog. 

Ciao,

Irene

Testing the midnight waters...

I am very contentedly sitting here with a cup of coffee. I've just unfriended some 'friends' on facebook and I feel unburdened for having done so because it's always better to get rid of some than it is to add some. I had added a lot of 'friends' one night when I couldn't sleep and I was bored and I wanted some more excitement in my life. I decided to look for potentially interesting people, but after keeping track of them for several days, some of them turned out to be a little strange or only in the business of self promotion. 

They were not the kind of people I wanted to spend precious tme on and I unburdened myself of them. I will look for more interesting 'friends' with a little bit more discrimination. Some of them are turning out to be real interesting and I may hang on to them. There are some nuggets of wisdom being spouted here and there. I do pick things up. As long as I get to pick and choose, there is no problem. I'm still in charge of that. I am not a mindless follower. 

In the morning my daughter is coming back from her trip to Italy and I will have a few precious days left to spend with her. I have just gotten used to her not being here in my immediate presence.. I've adjusted to my life on my own again. I will have to make room in my heart for her again and make a big space to fit her into for the few days that remain. I have to emotionally prepare myself for that. I'm worried about the quality of the time that we will have and don't expect too much of it and then whatever is there will be okay. 

I am more than ever determined to be an emotionally self sufficient human being in the new year and it is one of my New Year's resolutions. I think one's happiness and completeness should never depend on other people because you will most likely be disappointed.

I've already been on this journey of emotional self sufficiency for some time. I've started to look at myself as my own best company. although I am aware that I need the interaction with other people sometimes. I don't need a huge amount of it, but a little more than I get now. I'm working on that. 

In the end though, it's yourself that you need to be able to live with and you shouldn't try to escape from that person. You have to be able to be a comfort to yourself. The only other consistents in my life are my animals. They are pretty predictable in their behavior. I know what strokes to expect from them. 

With my psychiatrist's approval, I've started to reduce my sleep medication. I'm now on half the dose I used to take. They never did help me sleep anyway. I was just hooked on them and they made me high in the middle of the night. I didn't enjoy that feeling and wanted to get off them. Next week I will go wihout them completely. It doesn't bother me to have to do with less and I feel more sober minded. It will be good to be off the barbiturates completely. I will have no more mind altering drugs. 

I will be off to bed now. I will have enough to do in the morning before I see my daughter again. I do want to have the time to sit and have a cup of coffee in peace and quiet before I have to get showered and dressed and walk the dog. There will be moments of reflection and preparation. But first I will have a good long sleep. 

Ciao,

Nora

On the rebound...

After I wrote my last post in the middle of the night, I managed to sleep for nine hours and as a result I have felt like a new woman all day today. I needed that sleep very much as I was begining to go a little batty. I seriously started to question the workings of my mind. It was all due to the shortage of sleep, it now seems, and I feel ever so much relieved. Questioning your own mind is a terrible thing to do. I don't recommend it to anyone.

On top of everything, I just took a nap. It was delicious and I am now recuperating from it with a cup of coffee. The coffee is going down very well and is making the gears of my brain get unstuck out of the sleep position.

I'm staying in touch with my daughter through Facebook and know where she is because of it. She was last at the Trevi fountain in Rome. I'm sure she will check in again this evening. Facebook is very good for keeping track of people providing they want you to be able to. What would I do without it? Sit on pins and needles, most likely.

The dog is just happy that I'm home and not gone all the time. He sure does appreciate that. He rewards me by being very sweet and agreeable. He's such a good animal anyway. Most of the time he's a pleasure to have around. He does have his shenanigans, but that's normal. He wouldn't be your average dog if he didn't. 

I briefly had my closet door open and the cat took the opportunity and immediately climbed to the top shelf where the sweaters are. She's been sound asleep there all day. I guess she had a hunkering to hibernate. She couldn't have found a cozier spot and I would have done the same thing if I were a cat. She does trust me not to lock her up in there. 

I have to go walk the dog. It is that time of the evening again. He's sound asleep on the ground beside me, but he'll notice me get up right away. He's got a radar for that kind of thing. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Finally, in the end...

I will write a blog post if it's the last thing I do. I have tried it several times in the last few days but always got discouraged and deleted them. I felt I had nothing news worthy to say and that all my words amounted to nothing at all. I will now make an honest attempt to finish writing one and put some effort into it. I won't get discouraged after just two paragraphs. 

I'm sitting here late at night hoping that I will not have another sleepless one like I've had for the past few nights. The lack of sleep has plain worn me out and I have been unable to take naps during the day to make up for it. It's been a real bother and I have gotten wired as a result, but tonight I am at least a bit more mellow and relaxed  so that bodes well. I may just be able to go to sleep later. 

I have been keeping myself occupied during the sleepless hours with Facebook which I rejoined after a  year long sabbatical. I'm as hooked as I ever was, it is so addictive. There are some new features that make it more attractive to use and, of course, that makes matters worse. I feel that I should go to Facebook Anonymous and make a confession. "Hi, my name is Nora and I'm a Facebook addict."

It's plain ridiculous, of course, and I'm sure I'll get over it again. It's just a phase I'm going through. It has to do with temporarily having to miss my daughter. I'm taking that kind of hard and I can't wait for her to come back from Italy. I'm unsettled as a result of it. I'm completely off my 'a propos.'

That's why it's so important that I sit here and write this completely normal post. I need to do something very standard so that I will feel as normal as possible. I need to tell you that I will have a glass of ice cold milk in a little while to quench my thirst and to get me ready for bed. If I don't do that, I will stay lost in the confusion.

Of course, I have nothing left to write about now. There are things I can't tell you because they concern other people and I'm not at liberty to talk about them, although they do effect me. That's my dilemma. It's tough, but that's the way it is. A lot more would become clear to you.

I hope you're all well. 

Ciao,

Nora

Another nice day...

First the Exfactor was here this morning and when he went to make his cup of coffee, he saw that I was completely out of milk, in other words, that groceries needed to get done, which he offered to do for me as I had hoped. I quickly made a shopping list and off he went on my bicycle with the shopping bag and my bank card. He was back in the shortest amount of time, I still don't know how he does that, and I helped him put away the groceries with Tyke's help. Tyke's help consists of trying to pull everything out of our hands before we can put it away. Then the Exfactor offered to take Tyke for a walk, which I think he secretly enjoys doing, and of course, I had no objections. Off they went together, Tyke leading the Exfactor down the sidewalk with a steady pull on the leash. Tyke can make himself very heavy for 11 kg.

After the Exfactor left, I washed and dried and put away the dishes, but completely forgot to fold and put away the dry laundry. Unless I make a list of things to do, I'm afraid this is my fate and things fall by the wayside. In other words, I am very absentminded and forget things easily and just assume I have been good and gotten everything done. So, unless I forget, I'm going to have to make a short list in the morning with things to do written on it, such as brush your teeth and comb your hair. No, really. I do walk past things that need to get done absentmindedly, as they don't penetrate my awareness until I practically hit my head on them. Or my big toe.

I was reading blogs and commenting on them when the domestic help came ands she was a very nice and polite girl who was more than eager to do any job I wanted her to. Intelligent too and I got the idea that she was a university student who did this job part time. She washed all the windows inside and out and, although she didn't do them perfectly, they are in much better shape than they used to be. She also cleaned the refrigerator and the utensil drawer, which was something that had to happen badly and she had to use a scrub sponge. It hadn't been cleaned in some time and my refrigerator is now spotless.

I feel incredibly spoiled that these kinds of jobs are finally getting done and I am so grateful that they are, because they are the kinds of things that I was unable to do myself and barely was aware of needed to happen. It has only recently been pointed out to me that they have to. The insides of the kitchen cabinets need to happen next and the glass windows above the interior doors and I'm sure there are all sorts of other jobs that need to get done.

After she left, I wanted to keep on commenting on blogs, but was struck by an enormous tiredness and laid down on the sofa for a while, which turned into a 2,5 hour nap. I don't know where all this need for sleep comes from, since I slept so well in the morning, but apparently I needed it. I don't know what role my medicines play in my sleepiness, but I do think they add to it. I always, or usually, feel very good when I wake up from a nap. It's like I'm renewed again. My brain isn't spilling over with all sorts of nonsense and I can think clearly. I must make sure that I'm really awake in the morning before I start doing things. Sometimes I think I get up prematurely when I should sleep more and I try to function before my brain is really ready for it. It makes for a sad performance. It might be better if I don't get up right away, but stay in bed longer, despite my eagerness to be awake.

I finished the book I was reading, "The Pilot's Wife," and liked it well enough. The ending was especially good. I have to pick out another book to read now and I have to have a good look in my bookcase and see what it's going to be. I have so many unread books and unknown authors that the choice is difficult. I'm always afraid that I'll get stuck with a book that I don't like at all, because that's such a disappointment and you hate to put it back on the shelf, because you know you'll never read it. There should be a home for orphaned books, those are the books that only a few people like.

Tyke is lying beneath my computer table and farting. It smells delicious. He'll probably have to go out. I have to go visit Facebook and see my daughter's tribute to her brother. I've been notified of it by my sister.

I hope you all have a good evening and that you enjoy the silence of no planes as I do.

Ciao,

Nora

Up again...

It's very early in the morning and I have been up for a while answering the emails in my in box. This is always an enjoyable occupation that I take my time for with a cup of coffee. I went to bed so early last night, that I woke early again too and that was not surprising, of course. Doubtlessly I will go back to bed later this morning and sleep a few more hours after I have taken my medicines. As a matter of fact, I'm already yawning, so I probably won't last much longer. I did manage to read my book for awhile before I went to sleep last night and I even remembered to put it way and take my reading glasses off and turn off the light. If I read at this rate, I should be able to finish that book in a week's time. Yes, that's how slowly I'm reading. It's not like back when I finished a book in a day.

I let myself temporarily get sidetracked by Facebook to see if there were any interesting bits of news by people I am friends with, but there was nothing earth shattering. Just the usual amusing stuff. Sometimes I look for interesting news stories to post, but I couldn't find anything today that was very unusual. Facebook helps me keep track of my daughter on a daily basis, so it is very handy for that. I keep my amount of friend s to a minimum and am constantly weeding out the group to get rid of not really friends and I'm very picky about who I become friends with. I was less discriminate when I first started and added a lot of artists to my friends, but it was not real. I really didn't know those people, they just seemed interesting.

In the meantime, the hours are passing by and it is now properly morning. If you fiddle around long enough you do make the time go by quickly. I've only had to cups of coffee and one mug of milk. I've definitely had enough coffee now, two cups is my limit. I need to eat some breakfast and I think I will have some Camembert. Without a doubt I'll have to share some with Tyke. He's a regular connoisseur, after all.

Right, I'm going back to bed and hope to get nice and warm very quickly. I have cold hands and feet now. I hope you all have a nice day, or a nice night if that is the case. Think of me soundly sleeping in my warm bed and I will do like wise.

Ciao,

Nora

Adding up the hours.

I was up early this morning, because Tyke was barking and I had to stop him so he wouldn't wake up the neighbors. Once I had assured him that everything was fine, I was wide awake and ready to stay up, so I made myself some coffee and answered my emails, which is always a good exercise for my brain. I feel surprisingly clearheaded this morning and not at all hung over, so answering my emails was done with a well functioning mind, which I can't say is always true. I'll have to see how I do the rest of the day, but it's good to feel so levelheaded so early in the morning.

I still can't see my complete blog template, but I've heard that Blogger is having some problems, so maybe it is due to that. I will wait it out patiently and see if the problem clears itself up. I've also left a message at the template website, but I haven't heard anything from them yet. Will those of you who do see my complete template let me know? At least I'll know there is hope.

Well, I was speaking of feeling clearheaded, but I can't think of a bloody thing to write about, yet write I must. It's supposed to be a compulsion, after all, and when you are compulsed to do something, you can't help but. It's like people who talk, but don't have anything to say. This may turn into one of those exercises.

Tell you what. I think I'll take my medicines and see if that makes any difference. It will be an interesting experiment and I will wait half an hour before I start writing again.



Okay, I've hung out on Facebook and tried to figure out why some people are so incredibly popular. I just don't seem to fit in that category, you know? People don't flock around me. I make statements, but I don't get many responses. Maybe my statements aren't provocative enough and they should be more outrageous. Maybe I should insult people in high places or become incredibly political or put in more links to interesting stories. It's a puzzlement. I will have to think about it for a while. I must have a better plan in place. Look at me, the big strategist.

I've noticed that after I take the Welbutrin in the morning lately, my mood just goes downhill. I become angry and irritated and impatient. I don't know if this is a temporary condition, but I've just sent my SPN an email discussing this problem with her. I don't think this is the way an antidepressant is supposed to make you feel. It happens within an hour after I take it. It's impossible to do anything about it once it strikes, but to keep in mind what the cause is and that it's an artificial mood and that it has nothing to do with reality. It does help to talk about it. I feel I'm coming out of the closet with my perfect Welbutrin that made me feel so good for the first two weeks.

If it's a temporary side effect, then I can live with it, but if it's a permanent thing, then I'm going to get off them and not try anything else. I've had enough different kinds of antidepressants and none of them have really worked, except for my temporary believe in them. There is no happiness pill.

Well, I'm going to get dressed and take Tyke for a walk. It will do us both good.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Another middle of the nighter.

Well now, what do you think has happened? I was very tired early in the evening and went to bed at 8:30 pm, only to wake up at 12:30 am and find myself wide awake as if it was morning already and time to get up. Of course, I got up, because there is no sense lying in bed looking at the ceiling and ruminating over the past day, so I carefully stepped over the sleeping dog and went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of decaf. Since then, I've been sitting here behind the computer trying to keep myself entertained, and in a little while I'm going to sit down at the dining table and paint. I may as well make a productive night out of it.

It's really funny when you get up so early that it's barely even tomorrow yet. You look at the alarm clock and think to yourself that the time can't be right, but then you look at your watch and see that it is and you think, what am I going to do with this whole long night ahead of me? Of course, there are always numerous ways to entertain yourself on the Internet and I don't quickly run out of things to do.

Nowadays I even go to Facebook every day and that is something I used to neglect to do for long periods of time. I am a much better networker now than I used to be, although I don't use it to its full advantage, but I see people who do and I admire their enthusiasm and stamina. I like to see the artists and the pieces of art they create and I always hope there is new work to look at. Some of them are most excellent and the more abstract the art, the better I like it, because I am a primitive figurative painter myself. I always try to befriend artists and when I browse through suggested friends, that's what I look for. Many people have their artwork as their ativar.

Of course, I also read all the new posts of all the blogs I follow and leave comments there. I don't actually visit many artists blogs, because I like to read stories and I'm interested in how people tell them and use the language and get their point across and how a story unfolds. I also like the various subjects people write about and that make me think about things in my own life, although I also read a lot of Mommy blogs and I am certainly past that stage. I read those for the humor and the human interest and to remember my own experiences and to know I was not so unique in them. They're very eye opening.

So anyway, slowly the hands of the clock are moving toward the morning hour. It's becoming a more and more decent hour to be up as I feel the day creeping towards me. I want it to stay nighttime a little while longer, because I do want to paint for a while and I want to do that before I have to get dressed and walk the dog and get started on my chores. I do have those chores waiting for me and I think today might be the day that I tackle some of them.

I have an almost total lack of interest in how clean my floors are. I mean I sweep and vacuum them, but I hardly get around to mopping them. It just doesn't turn me on. The thought of bringing out the mop and the bucket is almost more than I can bear to think about. Isn't that silly? And I know that when I make a bucket full of suds, I will have those floors done in no time at all. It is just a matter of getting over the initial inertia.

It must have to do with the fact that by nature I'm not a good housewife at all and it displeases me to have to do it. I like things to be organized and picked up, but I don't like the actual cleaning and scrubbing. It's that my mother taught me how to clean house, otherwise I might not have liked to do it at all. We girls had to help clean the house from top to bottom every Saturday and we weren't dismissed until it was all done. We weren't allowed to complain about it either. And we had to dust all the baseboards, something I don't do now and it shows. My knees don't allow baseboard cleaning. They are too knobby and bony for it on the hard linoleum. Some day...I must keep my chin up and remember that one day the whole living room is going to be painted and that will include the baseboards.

Well, now I'm going to paint before it's too late to get started on it. This was just a wee hours of the morning ramble. I'll try to write something decent later on in the day. Maybe I'll be mightily inspired and write an epic story. Yeah!

Have a good day. It's supposed to rain here, so it should be very cozy inside and I'll get to wear layers of clothes when I go out.

Ciao,
Nora

A new day...

Well, I did as I said I would do last night and slept on the sofa to the sound of the television turned down low, so it did not interfere with my sleep. It was rather pleasant, except for that part when I woke up with a very sore arm and hand, but I am getting used to that and know how to deal with it. I pick up my arm and lay it in the proper position and open and close my hand until the pain leaves and the feeling comes back into it and my arm.

I got up at nine and immediately made myself a cup of coffee. Then I turned on my computer and checked my emails, which take forever to download for some reason. Th emails are always the most fun part of the start of the day, because they contain the comments to my latest post and I get to answer those. There are also comments from Facebook and comments from the writer's websites I write for. They keep me busy and off the streets. Sometimes it's a bit overwhelming and I postpone answering some of them until later, when I've had my second cup of coffee and I am properly awake.

If I'm smart, I take my medicines right away and feel the soothing effects of them quickly. It's like a blanket of serenity gets draped over me, although that may be a psychological effect as much as a physical one. Because I feel calm, I feel even calmer, and so on.

Of course, this morning's wake up belongs to the weekend, because I have nowhere to go and no obligations other than to walk the dog, which I eventually do when I'm good and ready and he can't wait another minute, but he is very patient and lounges around on his blanket and by my feet, under the desk. Jesker is the most patient dog of them all.

The dining table is a mess. There are my cigarette making paraphernalia and bills that have been paid. There's my watercolor pad and my brushes and paints and felt tip markers. There is a stack of packages that has to be sent in the mail, and everywhere there are cat hairs and tobacco crumbs, because the dining table is the favorite hangout of the cats and my favorite place to sit also and make cigarettes and look out the window. I will have to clean and organize it in one fell swoop. I also have to clean up the kitchen again and the bathroom. Aarghhh!

Not now, now I'm sitting here writing this nonsense, that has no other purpose than to keep me from doing the things that I ought to be doing, like watering the poor plants and I do want to finish painting that second drawing, so I must clean the apartment first. I do have my priorities. There has to be work done before the fun can start. I won't be able to relax otherwise and concentrate on painting.

I think before I do anything, I will eat. If you ask me, that is vastly underrated. I always seem to do it as an afterthought. Oh yes, I need to eat too! I usually forget and then try to get caught up the rest of the day, although you can't tell by my body shape that I do this. I'm round in all the right places. I have love handles.

The weather is beautiful outside. It's going to be 25 degrees and the sun will be shining most of the day. No leggings and boots today and no long sleeves. Just milk bottle white legs and brown feet in ballerina slippers, because, of course, my feet have a tan.

Have a good day. Enjoy your Saturday very much. I hope it's a good one for you.

Ciao,
Nora.

Sunday evening.

Th great thing about Sunday is that you can catch up on a lot of things, such as your mail and Facebook, but you can also take great naps on the sofa while you "watch" the Tour de France and that is even better.

I think I really needed the nap to set my mind straight as I was a little discombobulated for whatever reason, but I did get the mail done. Quite suddenly, when I wasn't expecting it myself, I grabbed my reading glasses and the mail and sat down at the dining table and opened each envelope and dealt with the contents immediately and appropriately, and so I worked my way through the whole pile.

It was rather painless and not nearly as bad as I had anticipated. I had to fill in some forms that will have to be mailed and filed away a bunch of things and received one unexpected bill that I was unhappy about, but it can't be helped and will automatically be withdrawn from my account on the 21st, which is good, because I'll actually have money then. I'll have to borrow from myself to make up the difference.

I count dealing with the mail as one chore, but a big one and I don't expect myself to do two other chores afterwards. I deserve kudos after I deal with the mail and file it all in the right place. I always think a slice of bread with jam is in order. That's a treat for me and an extra glass of fruit juice.

I'm sure not getting all my medication in this morning screwed me up a bit, but I took my evening dose early, so I'm okay now. I have my doses of medicines that I take during the day, but they are not all the same, so it was just waiting for the evening dose to come along to make sure everything was in my system again. I couldn't really repeat the morning dose, because I thought that some of it had gone down. I'll ask my psychiatrist the next time I see him.

I had that slice of bread with luncheon meat before I went to sleep and I think that's what the problem was. It wasn't properly digested yet and sat like a lump in my little stomach. I mustn't eat just before I go to sleep.

The nap was wonderful and I didn't wake up until after 6 pm. Jesker was laying on his blanket and then scooted close for some petting. We've been out for his last walk and it wasn't that cold outside, even though it was overcast. Cloudy days with warm temperatures are expected. That means I can wear my slippers, which give my little toe an opportunity to heal so well.

I have to not forget to put out the trash and the green container and go to bed on time to get up early in the morning for my creative therapy. My plan is to not miss any classes this week and I want to stick to that.

I have started reading again before I fall asleep, though I don't get very far. Just a few pages and I'm asleep, so it will take me a while before I finish my book. Tessa Edwards had some great suggestions for books and I really can't wait to add them to my wish list. I have a wish list a mile long over at Bol.com. that I have to update now.

I just want to own books, have them in my possession with all their pretty covers and titles. I'd like to have a book case full of unread books. That would be a real treasure to me. I have two at home that I have to finish before I get to order any others. When I'm almost done with the second one, I'll order a new one or two.

I can't do book mooch, because I'm loathe to give books away, even if I get new ones in their place. I just want people to send me books, I don't want to send any away.

Well, I'll make myself a nice mug of decaf now and enjoy the rest of my time behind the computer doing very many important things. You know how that goes. One project leads to another.

Have a good night and nice weather tomorrow.

Ciao...

Sooooo tired...

I'm so tired that I've made myself a mug of regular coffee or otherwise I'll fall asleep behind the computer and it's not even 9 pm yet and I think that's too early to go to bed. I'll wake up in the middle of the night if I do that and that's no good, so I have to hang in there a little while longer.

It's the expanded schedule that's making me this tired, I'm sure of it, and I haven't even gone full blast yet. On top of that, my crooked back has been acting up for the last 3 days and is making me lean to the left continually, causing the right side of my back to hurt. I have gotten strong pain medication from my GP, the kind that you have to take stomach protection pills with, but they are only helping a bit and I'm constantly sagging to the left. It's a pain in the you know what, because I constantly have to correct myself.

So, I had music therapy. We spent the first half hour talking about our experience with music and what role it played in our lives and what that kind of music had been starting from when we were children and what we listened to now. This was all very easy for me, because I remember my whole musical development and the stages I went through.

The therapist was surprised at my recent development and asked me how I came about it and I told her about Deezer, which keeps me up to date. I'm no old fogy. I rock with the best.

Then we were introduced to some instruments, which included the guitar and a small harp and a xylophone. There were also lots of drums there on which I really wanted to pound, but we never got around to that. I hope to do that next time. Playing chords on the guitar is hard. I'd rather learn to play the violin. Ahum! As if I ever will at my age. The xylophone played the black keys on the piano. The harp played do re mi fa sol la ti do very well. That's all we could get out of it. Except for some experimental strumming that sounded like fairy music.

We had an half an hour break until the relaxation exercises started and they were very pleasant and non exhausting, just very relaxing. We did them standing up and sitting in a chair, what more can you ask for, except that I kept toppling over in the chair. We literally relax every part of our body, including our facial muscles and we got instructions on how to do them at home. We had to rate our levels of stress before and after the exercises and there was quite a bit of difference for most people, except those who were stubborn and thought they were special cases. They started off with a low mark and ended with the same low mark, as if it had made no difference. I'd kick them all out of the class.

When I finally got home, I had something to eat and walked the Überhund and after that pretty much got stuck in Facebook all afternoon, making new artist friends and exchanging many comments with them and with my daughter who has been sending me interesting links. Here we have a situation of a daughter educating her mother about all sorts of subjects. I'm a willing pupil.

I took the Überhund to the vet for his eyes, because both his ointments were used up and he got another tube of the expensive ointment. The vet doesn't charge me the consultation fee, he just charges me for the medicine which the Exfactor pays. Thank goodness, otherwise I couldn't afford the dog. That poor dog and his eyes, they'll never get better, I think.

I am going to put my pajamas on now. That way, if I am ready to crash, I'll be all prepared. I think I did well writing this post, considering how bone tired I was. The coffee helped a little. I am now drinking decaf again and once I have my pajamas on, I'll get in the sleep mode. It always works. Well, almost always.

Sleep tight, if it is your bedtime. If not, have a good rest of the day.

Ciao...

Sunday is happening.

Sunday is happening and I have yet to get dressed and participate in it in any way. I have fed the animals and talked to my older sister on the phone. I have been to Facebook and I have read blogs, but other than that, I haven't done a bloody thing. And it was so exciting to wake up too, with brand new hair.

I'm afraid someone is going to report me to the Association Of Diligent Dutch Housewives for laziness and for not keeping up the good name of Dutch cleanliness and honor everywhere. You guys think I am so neat because of the pictures you saw, but you'd be amazed at how dirty this place gets every day if I don't do anything. I can be just as slovenly as the next woman. I am organized and tidy, until I let it all fall apart and don't give a hoot. Then I have to start all over again the next day. The two faces of me.

I sure am enjoying my new hair, except that I put a little bit too much wax in it and it makes it hard to brush, but at least it stays in place. I washed it yesterday after completely ruining it when I tried to fix it better. I should have left well enough alone, but I learned my lesson. Trust your hairdresser to fix it right. And more wax isn't better, in fact, less is more.

Oh, the dog wants to go out now...

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It isn't very cold outside, but it is drizzling just a bit. It's like the fog is falling down. I suppose that's good for your complexion. Although for some reason I think that is supposed to be Irish Mist. Not to be mistaken with Bailey's Irish Cream, which I also have a bottle of on my kitchen shelf. Do you know that some people drink it with ice cubes in it? Really!

Mmm...that's smooth stuff. I haven't had any of it in a long time, not since my drinking days or before that even. I never grab for the Irish Cream when I drink to get drunk. I think it is too good for it. There's also still half a bottle of vodka, but I don't have the least inclination to add it to my glass of orange juice. And I pass the cheap wine in the supermarket without blinking an eye. It's totally meaningless to me. I am so glad that I feel normal when I do, that I don't wish to feel any other way.

I'm wearing my black leggings and my green boots and my mini skirt. My mini skirt is my favorite skirt to wear, because it allows me to get on and off my bike easily. My other skirts don't allow as much moving around space for my legs. I do like to wear my dresses for the same reason, in that they also give me this space. I haven't worn any jeans in I don't know how long. I doubt I will be wearing them again any time soon. Wearing dresses and skirts with leggings is so much more comfortable.

I feel very feminine when I wear them, without feeling girlish, if you know what I mean. I mean, I don't feel cute. I do feel that my legs look better in my black leggings than they do in jeans and that the skirts and dresses are more flattering on me.

I like wearing boots. I think they are far superior to shoes and I am going to wear them as long as possible this year. There is something very tough about wearing boots with a skirt. It makes you feel like a Tough Broad. That's what I always aim for in life. To be a Tough Broad with Shit Kicking Boots. I always pay attention to see what sort of boots women wear and I have seen some very nice ones. I wish I could afford more of them. I'd be like Imelda Marcos, except I'd have that many boots.

The problem with wearing black clothes is that you always find the white hairs of your cats on them, even after you've washed them. I just put on a clean black sweater and it was already covered in white hair. I'll very patiently have to pick them off. Or run fast so that nobody notices them.

Today is the Carnival parade. I had thought about going there to take pictures, but with the drizzling weather I think I'll stay home. I have so much to do here anyway if I don't want to loose my spot with the Diligent Dutch Housewives.

Well, I'm off. I have to do some serious tidying up. I hope you enjoy your Sunday as well as I will. It is a day of endless pleasure to me, especially if the apartment looks halfway decent in case the Queen stops by. I am counting on it before she retires.

Ciao...

Damn Near...

I have damn near wasted the whole day messing around behind the computer and this is coming from a woman who claimed she wasn't addicted to it anymore. Yeah, right! Who am I fooling, people? I did do some housework, but it didn't amount to much and the rest of the time I was busy organizing my photographs and and turning the images I call Doodats into things I call Flops with the aid of Paintshop Pro. I had a wonderful time doing that and posted them all on Facebook. The Exfactor got he camera to work again yesterday (I had the batteries in wrong, duh) so I was able to download the photographs of the collages, I will be showing them here next.

So, every evening I fall asleep on the sofa while I watch television and I wake up around 11 PM and think I will blog a little. The problem is, that I am usually in such a grumpy mood when I just wake up late at night, that I don't know what to do with myself. I hope it resolves itself as I sit here and write, but I can't be sure. I am forcing myself to be cheerful now, because I'll be damned if I let this mood spoil my late night activities. Of course, the wisest thing would be to go to bed, but am I known for doing the wisest thing? Of course not.

So, in order to not fall apart in a thousand pieces because of my misery, I have made myself a cup of genuine coffee and I will drink that quickly and see if it will put some bounce in my spirit. I'm not worried about it waking me up, I worry more about it picking me up out of the doldrums. Just this morning I was claiming to be an eternal optimist and I can't be stuck down here in this temporary hole now.

No, I already feel the despair lifting and the sunshine breaking through, although in this case it would be the moonshine from a great big pregnant moon hanging high in a cloudless sky, surrounded by a million stars. Dream on kid, somewhere in the world there is such a starry night. Vincent van Gogh painted it, so I know it exists. Didn't I witness it myself in the desert?

Okay, here I am again. I'm out of the hole and back to normal. I am surrounded by sleeping animals and the whole apartment is very quiet. How utterly boring, but what can you expect at this time of the night? Certainly no wild parties. I'll get down to business then.

This is the first 60x50 cm collage I made after I did the collage book. It was when I was still learning the technique and not quite sure of all the possibilities. I used a lot of text and little texture, because I thought the text was important in getting my ideas across.

I can appreciate it now, but I see all the things I could have done differently, but it is a learning process, after all, and there is nobody standing beside me helping me develop the ideas. I am discovering this on my own. It's only when I ask that I get a gentle hint and I don't ask much, preferring to muddle along on my own.

I didn't realize, for instance, that I could make the text clearer by drawing over it with a felt tip marker. Or that I didn't need that much text, but that I could do other interesting things instead. I think I will work on this one some more and finish it properly.


Here I'm getting a little more adventurous, but I'm still not getting unstuck. There is still a lot of text that is too vague and the images are arranged to evenly across the paper. I am being too neat.

There is a definite lack of inspiration here. I am going through the motions and am learning the technique, but I am not doing anything new.

I remember thinking that I was not all that happy with this one and felt ambivalent about the outcome. It wasn't close to my heart.

The only thing I liked about it was the division of the page into the two colors and there was no real reason for that. I just felt like doing that.

I don't know what I would change about it and if anything can be changed. It is about as done as it can be. In think matted in a good frame it will look good, but I have to think about it.


This one I am much happier with. It was like everything finally fell into place and I knew what I was doing.

I worked with texture and mixed my colors better and didn't use as much text and arranged the pictures differently.

I think adding the texture was a good idea, because it added depth and gave me a rough surface to add multiple colors to with oil pastels.

I was less intimidated by the whole process and worked freely. I enjoyed myself and people stopped by and complimented me on what I was doing.

Making this collage made me enjoy making collages again and made me see the joy of them again.


Although this is not a very clear photograph, this is my favorite collage up to now. The colors are brighter in real life and have more vibrancy.

I love the collection of the images and think they go well together and are arranged well. I put some thought into this, as well as into the former one.

Again, this one has a lot of texture for depth and for the opportunity to add color with layers of acrylics and oil pastels.

I really knew what I was doing here and felt a lot of confidence end enjoyment. I think the fact that I was hypomanic when I finished these last two has something to do with it. So, I must make sure that I am not over medicated.

I'm not joking about that either.


Isn't it simply wonderful to be alive and to be able to make art like this? And yes, I even dare call it art. I have plans for the spare bedroom as soon as the Exfactor has moved all of his boxes and bookcases out. I am going to get a table and chair and my own basic art supplies and work in that room on my own and make collages all the time, whenever I feel like it. I have lots of ideas that I want to try out and I think that if I have the opportunity to work when I feel inspired, I can make some interesting things.

I need for my sister to start saving all the magazines she reads, because I'll need many of those for texts and images. And I'll have to start looking through catalogs and see if there are interesting things in there. You'd be surprised at what you can find in the most odd publications. Even newspapers can have good things in them.

Well, I can get excited about that now, but first I need the room. I can already start clearing an area for the table and chair. That shouldn't be that hard to do. I'll have a good look tomorrow and see what it takes to clean that room up a bit.

Okay, I am still not sleepy, so now I am going to do something else to keep me busy. I have already taken my medication, but I am all out of sleeping pills and have forgotten to pick up more.

So, I wish you all a good night and sleep tight and don't let those things bite you, you know...

Ciao.

Phenomenal

After having written such a phenomenal post yesterday morning, I can now only write a humble little post, because time limits me and, of course, we have that thing called inspiration and I haven't looked yet to see if I have any. I was busy on Facebook and becoming a bit frustrated with things there that did not go the way I wanted them to. Aren't there always bugs in the system that you want to iron out and for which you know there should be an easy solution? Hmmm, ironed out bugs, now that would be a treat! Nice and crispy or steamed?

It figures that on the day that I have to go somewhere, I don't sleep late and wake up two hours before the alarm clock is supposed to go off. I'm not complaining about that, au contraire, it is kind of convenient, because it allows me some time to sit here and get my daily dose of caffeine in before the real work starts. Writing a post is a good way to start the day also, because it helps me set the tone of the day and helps me decide how feisty I will be.

Last week I had forgotten to put out the trash, so last night I put out two trash bags, plus the green container which is always filled with coffee pads, there is hardly ever any vegetable matter in it or any garden waste. The trash bags are large and I walk around the apartment and look for junk that can go to fill up the bag completely. That way I get a cleaner apartment and a fuller trash bag. Slowly but surely I want to get rid of all obsolete items in all the drawers and bookcases so that there is a minimum amount of junk I have to live with. It's my goal in life to be junk free by next year. Hurray!

You forget that when you live by yourself, you are in charge of that, you alone decide what you keep and what is purely junk that is laying around doing nothing but gathering dust and taking up space. It is a very liberating thought once it hits you. I have to keep reminding myself that I am entitled to do this. That I am the mistress over all that is here.

I have never been my own mistress. I have always been somebody's child or girlfriend or wife. I have been somebody's wife for a very long time. Twice. I liked none of those roles as much as I like being my own mistress, but I never would have believed it if you had said it to me a year ago. I would have shuddered at the thought.

So, anyway, I have a dresser with 7 drawers and it has been cleaned out now several times and things have been taken out and thrown away, but still there are items in there that are taking up space and that are completely useless, so I know that I will have another look through all the drawers and toss away more things.

I try not to be sentimental about things and hold on to them for emotional reasons, I dislike that very much. but I do keep some items for their remembrance factor. However, there only need to be a few things of the person I want to remember, or of an era I want to remember. I don't need loads of memorabilia. If I can fit it into one small box, then that's okay with me.

Look at me, of on a tangent, all because of the notion of trash. That's because for the last 37 years, I have lived with people who were hoarders and who never threw anything away. Everything was sacred, even the tiniest little incomprehensible part of whatever it had originally belonged to. If, on top of that, you spend a lot of that time being depressed, the volume of it becomes incomprehensible to you too and you can't see the forest for the trees. You take it as a given that you are surrounded by all these objects and you think it somehow has value and that it is necessary to the survival of the household.

Well, you can imagine that I am now going to live the stripped down version of that. I'd like to be like a turtle and carry my house on my back.

I also see on the clock that I need to get going, because I have creative therapy this morning.

So I wish you all a very good day.

Ciao...

Oh really?

I can't quite believe it, but I slept past 10:30 AM. I looked at my watch and couldn't make sense of it and got up and walked into the living room and looked at the clock there and then was amazed at what time it was. I don't think I've slept that long in the memory of men as far as I know. At least not since I have been a grown up. And the Überhund slept right along with me. We're both getting a day older, as the saying goes.

Well, good for me, that's all I can say. I am getting good at this sleeping business and am becoming like a regular person now, with regular sleeping habits, although this sleeping late is creating havoc with my schedule, because I do want to sit and have my mugs of coffee and my cigarettes and hang out behind the computer for a while before I really get started. Ah, never mind, I will just do everything several hours later.

It's going to be a rainy day today, which is too bad, considering it is Saturday, but I'll find a way to amuse myself anyway. I always do, somehow. The day is usually too short anyway to do all the things I want to do and I have to be careful that I don't do any activities late in the evening.

Sometimes I go to Facebook before I go to bed and then I get stuck there for a while. I do amuse myself there nowadays, since I have become more selective about what I react to and who I pick to befriend. I usually go for the artist type people and admire their work and get inspired by them. Not making the claim that I am equally good, of course, but I do so love to be surprised by what people make and how they use their materials and how they are inspired. Just what they come up with.

The Überhund has had his breakfast, but so far he is letting me sit here for a while longer. He had eaten all the cat food during the night and the poor cats were begging for food this morning. There was not a crumb left. Sometimes he does that, I call it 'protest eating.' It's when he really wants more food, but is too stubborn to ask for it. He helps himself to whatever is around. It is kind of convenient, isn't it? Luckily, he is not clever enough to open the refrigerator.

Speaking of refrigerators, I bought creamy chocolate milk, which means it is made with whole milk instead of low fat. It sure tastes good. I had a glass of it last night when I went to bed. It satisfies my sweet tooth and gives me something to look forward to. I mean, if there is nobody in your bed waiting for you, you do have to make it appealing for yourself, don't you? I'd rather have chocolate milk anyway. It's less complicated.

Okay, that was my little contribution for this morning. It's not much, but it will have to do. I must get things going here now, because I'm seriously behind schedule now. It's not funny anymore. The poor dog would cross his legs if he could.

Have a good day, all of you.

Ciao...

Snow again.

Well, I told you how much I wanted winter to be over and now winter has taken revenge by letting it snow again. The skies are gray and I think there is more snow coming and I am not amused. I forgot that February can be this way, that it is a winter month and that it is not at all a harbinger of springtime, regardless if some people have snowdrops in their garden like Bev does.

There is a light dusting of snow on the streets now, as if someone has sifted powdered sugar all over them. It looks very appealing, but I am waiting for more and I have such a good hairdo now, that I don't want to ruin it by wearing my woolly hat or by having it sprinkled by snow. So that is quite a dilemma.

Yesterday I spent quite some hours on Facebook, more than I ever have before. I decided to throw myself into it and catch up with everything and everybody. It was a lot of fun, as long as you ignore some things that people insist on sending you and which you are supposed to send back and forward to all of your friends. I simply don't do that, because it is a never ending exercise. I only send and receive chocolates and birthday cards.

I joined some support groups and some fan clubs and invited my friends to do the same. There isn't always a huge success rate in this, but it is always worth a try. Not everyone gets excited about the same things. Besides, you can ignore whatever gets thrown your way, especially when you feel overloaded with requests.

The most fun is checking on the status of your friends and leaving comments on their activities, as that usually gets a conversation going. Sometimes with hilarious results.

I remember when I first joined Facebook and how much I disliked it. That was before I filtered what I reacted to and I felt constantly overwhelmed. I was afraid to go there anymore and quit it shortly after I joined. Then, some time later, I had a change of heart and rejoined, which was easy to do, because Facebook had saved all of my information.

Now I go there when I have the time and the energy for it, which would be on Sundays, which is my day off anyway. Contrary to what I claimed some time ago, I am sitting behind the computer quite often again, though I still limit the amount of blogs I read and comment on. Slowly the habit sneaks back in, though.

I woke up at 3 AM and put my bathrobe on and walked into the living room with this vague idea that maybe I was awake, but then I laid down on the sofa and went back to sleep. At least I am learning my lesson about not turning on the computer and smoking a cigarette while drinking a cup of coffee. That is funnest, a mistake I won't make.

The new coffee pads are great and the coffee tastes much better than the old coffee. There really is a difference and instead of making a double mug with two pads, I now make a single mug with one pad, otherwise it is too strong. Now I'll have to see how much these pads are when they are not on sale, and if they don't cost an arm and a leg I'll switch to these. I suppose you do have to pay for quality coffee, but man, it makes a difference.

The Internet provider that I ended up not going with, because they did not send me the installation packet when promised, billed me for services for the month of January. Of course, I called them right away to set them straight, but they acted like they did not believe me and said they would investigate. In the meantime, I had the bank retrieve the money that had already been taken from my account. Incompetency rules. Never trust an Internet provider. They are a bunch of fools.

Well, on that note I will leave you and get some work done around here. Have a wonderful day, all of you and then tell me all about it.

Ciao...