Very sleepy...

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee because I need it desperately. I was yawning my head off because I was really in need of a nap but I didn't want to give into the yearning. I know what the problem is. I was up too long during the night and didn't get enough sleep. That's not all that unusual. I have been known to do that before. 

Of course, now we've set the clocks ahead one hour and I'm losing out on time anyway. Not that I mind it. I like gaining the extra hour of daylight in the evening but the day is a bit shorter. I hadn't quite counted on that. It upsets my schedule just a little bit. I took my medicines too late today as it was anyway. Now I'm trying to get back to normal with that.

It doesn't bother me not to take the extra anti-psychotic, but I also tried to decrease my tranquilizers and that didn't go so well. I believe I can't do both at the same time. That's too much to ask of myself and it will have to wait. There was a huge difference when I finally took the tranquilizer after not having taken it in the morning. I felt at ease soon afterwards and that was much better than how I had felt before. 

I mustn't try to do things all at once and in a hurry. It never works out well, but I'm always over eager. I want so much all at once. I think I have bright ideas, but they usually don't work out well. I should only do half of the things I think of. That's more than enough. 

I sat in my sister's garden in the sunshine this afternoon. We were sheltered from the wind because of the fences and it was pleasantly warm. I hadn't been to my sister's house in a long time and I felt a bit awkward. I didn't know what to talk about after such a long absence. It didn't make the heart grow fonder. I didn't stay for a long time and was happy to go home again and be in my own space. I do enjoy my own company the best after all. 

You don't choose your own family and although you may have a lot of things in common, these are not necessarily things you want to be confronted with. They are traits you may not like at all and not want to be reminded of. Maybe they are things you try to not do yourself. Irritating little behaviors that you are aware of and that you don't like about yourself that much. If you see them reflected back to you, it may bother you very much. They may not be things you want to be around for any length of time. 

Like I said, in the end I prefer my own company. I find it easiest just to be on my own and it is the least complicated way to exist. I do agree that everybody needs to be around other people now and then, but I don't think that needs to take up a huge amount of your time. I'm certainly not a social butterfly and get enough of my strokes through the social media and from seeing the odd person every so often. I'm comfortable with myself and I'm glad about that. I have an easy time living with myself. 

There's an element of being afraid to get hurt too, certainly. I think people are unpredictable and I don't like their behavior. A lot of people don't act rationally. They don't act as I expect them to and I find this unpredictability mind boggling. I don't know how to deal with it so I avoid it. It irritates me usually and I get hurt too if I let it. I do arm myself against it. 

I've said enough and I've got to walk the dog. There's still all kinds of daylight and lots of sunshine. There's no shortage of that. It will be a pleasure to go out there. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Don't bite my head off...

I stayed up early this morning and did not return to bed to catch another forty winks like I usually do. I just didn't feel like sleeping and I wanted to get the day started because that's the sort of mood I was in. Bed didn't seem at all appealing to me, even though I hadn't had that much sleep the night before. I was wide awake and the day could start for all I cared. I was ready for it. 

I showered and picked my outfit with care and was pleased when I was put together. The effect was pleasant enough if I pulled in my stomach and remembered to keep it pulled in. I also have to remember to do more sit ups. 

I walked the dog in the silent streets because nobody was out there yet. It was too early and it was cold. There was frost on the grass and on the windshields of the cars, but the sun was out and it promised to be a nice day. 

When I got home, I did my chores one by one while taking little breaks in between to watch the news. It was during one of these breaks that I remembered that my personal helper wasn't going to be here that morning because she had a week's vacation. That meant that I had some free time ahead of me that I had to spend wisely.

I decided to take the dog for a long walk to see if we could find any more wildflowers. We walked south toward the edge of town and skirted it eastward along a green pathway. I saw some more buttercups, but nothing else yet. There were lots of green plants growing, but I could not identify them without their flowers. There was lots of promise there anyway. 

We walked along a neglected path by a field, but the situation was the same  there until we were in the civilized world again. Here people didn't have very exciting gardens to look at. Mostly hedges and green shrubbery, there weren't any flowers yet. It was too early in the year for much color. I think I had been expecting too much at the wrong time of the year. 

We finally made it home and I made myself some coffee and gave Tyke a milk bone.  Gandhi was sound asleep on my bed like she had not even missed us. She probably had lots of peace and quiet and appreciated it very much. Tyke was tired from his outing and almost forgot to bother her. She's had a very peaceful afternoon on the sofa. 

I decided that I enjoyed looking for clothes in my closet so much that I wanted to do it again and I picked out a whole new outfit to wear. I's something I hadn't worn yet and I'm equally pleased with it. I also decided that I needed to wear some different earrings, so I changed those too. This all makes my life more interesting. I do like to make it exciting for myself. 

I have to go and walk Tyke one more time. We won't go too far this time. It's very nice outside now and it's tempting to go for a longer walk, but I need to eat and I've got to make some dinner when I get back. Tyke's waiting impatiently. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

On a sunny day...

I just walked Tyke in the sunshine and it was a true pleasure. I had not expected to enjoy it so much. I thought I didn't like the bright sun in a clear blue sky, but today I was mistaken. I went out there with some apprehension, but I immediately felt good and made the walk longer than I had planned. I think Tyke enjoyed it too. 

I was going to pay attention to the flowers that were in peoples' front gardens, but I forgot to do that. I was so busy paying attention to what Tyke was doing. He was scampering around at the end of the leash, trying to get into every bush and behind every tree we ran into. He was like a toddler set loose in the playground. I wanted to see which bulbs were blooming and now I still don't have the vaguest idea. I will have to try and pay attention at the next walk.

I thought it was going to be cold outside, but it was actually very pleasant. It did freeze last night, but it has warmed up since then. It really does feel like a spring day out there and it should. It is March. I know some of you still have snow, but I think that we can expect some better weather now. We do live in a temperate climate, after all.

I picked out a brand new outfit to wear and all my clothes smell of washing powder and perfume. It's a pleasure to wear them. I had thought about what I was going to wear earlier and when I got ready to get dressed, all I had to do was reach into my closet and get the clothes off their hangers. It's a cheerful outfit that matches the day and my mood. 

It will also get me motivated to do the chores I have to do. There aren't that many, but enough to keep me from reading my book for a while. I'm not too house proud and can easily let things go for a while, but my sense of duty does get the better of me in the end. I can be lazy for a day, but that's my limit. I do feel compelled to set things right after that. And if I look good, the apartment has to look good too. 

I'm not going to take a nap this afternoon. I really feel that it would be a waste of time. If I do get sleepy, I'm going to take Tyke for an extra walk. I may as well enjoy the nice weather. I only regret that I don't live closer to the countryside. A good walk through the woods and meadows would be nice right now. It's too bad that I'm a town dweller. Pavement and asphalt are not good alternatives to a country lane. 

I'm going to get the show on the road. I must do my chores before I can plan the rest of the afternoon. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Sensibility.

I didn't realize that all that walking I did with Tyke on Saturday would wipe me out so much on Sunday, but it did. I'm not used to so much exercise anymore, so I was very worn out the next day and did a lot of sleeping. It's really silly when you think that three long walks should tire me so much, but they did. You would have thought that I had trekked through a jungle all day and had suffered terrible hardships.

I did manage to go for a walk with Tyke in the afternoon on Sunday and I paid attention to people's gardens and noticed that all sorts of green things were happening. Bulbed plants were popping out of the ground, but there were also other plants coming up green and some ground covers were showing new growth. This all makes me feel somewhat joyful and gives me hope. Spring is near and I see the signs of it. There is irrefutable proof. Later on in the afternoon we made a short outing to my sister's house so I could borrow some milk. Any outing is fine with Tyke. As long as it has bushes and trees to sniff and pee on he is happy. I've got me another one of those dogs that needs to mark his territory.

It's raining outside like was predicted and we will not be going anywhere soon. We'll have to take a short walk in between showers. I don't know how Tyke feels about getting wet, Jesker never liked it very much. He didn't like to go out at all when it rained. Maybe Tyke hasn't quite caught on to that fact yet.

I slept late this morning. I was up briefly earlier, out of habit, but I really wasn't awake properly. I slept some more on the sofa and the animals slept with me. When I finally woke up, I thought I wasn't going to be able to get up, my body felt so heavy and tired, but once I got up and had a cup of coffee I was okay. Sometimes you just have to cross that threshold between sleep and wakefulness.

The sun has come out, so I am going out with Tyke now before it starts to rain again. Today I have to do some household chores. I have to be a little bit like a good housewife. At least act like one.

Have a good day, you all.

Ciao,
Nora

Rained on finally...

I've done several rounds of sets of three chores and I am just about whipped. I still have to do the dishes and wash a load of laundry. The washing on the clothing line got wet in this early morning's rain, so it is drying now and I will dry the next load on the rack in the bathroom, because it looks like there is more rain coming. What a fool I am, the laundry outside will get wet again, unless I get it in very quickly. I will do that. It's just dishtowels and washcloths. I can rip those off the line in three seconds flat. Send those clothespins flying.

It sure cooled off outside. The dog and I were able to make two longer walks already and he wasn't so awfully out of breath, but I do see his limit of comfort and know what his distance is now. The first thing in the morning we can go a little further than the rest of the day. His legs sometimes do tremble after a lot of exercise and I think we don't want to get to that point too much. He will keep going as long as I go, he is that loyal, but I have to make the decision to stop ahead of time, before we have gone too far.

Things smelled very good outside this morning. A lot of trees and bushes are blooming and the combined smells, because of the rain, were heady. It was almost as if I was walking out in the countryside, that's how strong the different perfumes were.

People's gardens are packed with blossoming things and I really payed attention today. I saw some very large spiders that had spun their webs in strategic places and I made sure I didn't walk into one of them, imagining a large spider then crawling over my body and into my hair. I do have a fear of that. I think they'll get stuck in the hairspray which I apply so deliberately. Not for catching spiders, of course!

It seems there are many old fashioned blossoming plants in those gardens. Plants that have been around forever. That you would have seen in cottage gardens and very many smaller trees and taller bushes that would have fit in there as well. The trend is not to pick or cut the dead blooms off the plant, but to let it go to seed. There must be a reason for that, that I'm trying to figure out, but it must be with the plant's natural growing seasons in mind. It must be healthier for the plant to let it go to seed this way.

It does make the walks very enjoyable and I like the part by the older gardens the best, although the new gardens are well established and have tall things growing in them as well.

I had an appointment with my SPN this morning and I have to tell you that the title is too little for her, because she is an out and out therapist, as well qualified as anybody to help the most complicated people, and I know, because I'm one of them. At the same time, it is possible that all SPN's are this well qualified and that the title is just right. I don't want to belittle any SPN.

We had a good, productive appointment and I feel I'm on the right track, analytically speaking. I'm making sense and she's making sense and together we have a clear dialog. We're talking about the same things and each of us understands the other.

This is the third day now that my head is on straight and that I wake up clear minded and even mooded. Any little feeling of panic or fear or discomfort is immediately recognized for what it is and dealt with. It is not allowed to get out of hand or to build up into something bigger. I recognize myself for what I am and who's in charge. It helps a lot.

I'm still not going through withdrawal symptoms from going without the tranquilizers and I don't know if I will now. It's been 6 days since I took the overdose and I assume that all of it is out of my system now and I have had no physical or mental problems like headaches or trembling or breaking out in sweats and having anxiety attacks and all those kinds of things. I may be lucky and get no such symptoms. I am just assuming that I won't and I think that's the best attitude, although I'm prepared in case it happens. I will call my psychiatrist if I do get symptoms and ask him for help, but I hope it won't be necessary.

I just had to make a run for it and get the laundry inside, because it started raining again. It's so lovely, though, and so refreshing, and all the dust is settling down and all that is green is greener and brighter. I like it very much and in a little while, I'm going to take a chair and sit by the open back door and watch it rain.

In California, the kids and I always went for walks in the rain in the rainy seasons and enjoyed getting wet in the relatively warm temperatures. We were so happy when it rained and didn't even have proper rain gear. We just wore whatever and got soaked and our backyard flooded and we waded around in it, until we opened the gate in the fence and all the water flooded past the side of the house into the street. That was quite a spectacle. Never underestimate the thrills of the effects of weather.

Well, I guess I'll go do another set of chores. The last little bit of them for today. Tomorrow I have ergo therapy and the Exfactor is coming over in the afternoon and I have to do the groceries, so it will be a busy day. I can move the seat of my bicycle around with just one hand. I think it needs to be tightened.

Have a very good day!

Ciao...

Contrary.

Contrary to my best intentions, it is the middle of the day and I have the computer on and am active on it. So, why is that?

Well, I felt like being stubborn and going my own way today and do things just a little bit different. I have cleaned up the apartment a bit and if you run fast, you don't notice what needs to be done yet. For all appearances it looks good enough, if you run fast. You can also roller skate through. Or drive by in a fast car and have a quick peek through the windows.

Frankly, my dear...let's just pretend that today doesn't have to be a very productive day and that it is mental health day. To celebrate this day, I have arranged my books on the bookcase by color. It came over me as I sat by the dining table and suddenly I got up and started putting all the red books together. Once I had that done, the rest was easy. The blue ones followed and then the greens and so on. The black books outnumber all of them.

Some of them were still arranged by color from an earlier attempt, so it was pretty easy. I should have dusted right away, but I was too impatient for it and will have to go back and do it when spring fever hits. Maybe this was a heralding of it. Get ready, it is about to start.

I saw my SPN this morning and shared my feelings about the therapies with her, but then fell into such a funk, that I didn't really know how to communicate any further and it was kind of a futile discussion, because I was not cooperative. Not because I didn't want to be, but because I just slammed shut and didn't know what to say anymore.

I did say, that if the situation continued as it was, I would quit the therapies and make my own way in life. She thought that was just my emotions speaking and that I would regret that later.

If anybody dares to say to me again that it is going to end soon, I'm going to challenge them and tell them to name me a date so that I can prepare myself properly. I'm not going to hang in limbo for the rest of the time that I'm there.

I have tried to call my main therapist there, but she was out for the day, so I left a message with the head of the department to call me back. I am going to get down to the basics with this and get this sorted out.

So, here I have been sitting getting myself out of my funk back to normal again. Slowly but surely I am. I felt like I was at the bottom of a well looking up at a little bit of blue sky. I knew I would get there, I just didn't know how long it would take me. A funk is not like having the blues, it doesn't last as long. I have a funk every time I go to my therapies now. I get over it when I get home.

I've put the Überhund on a diet. I think he was eating very healthy, but I also think he was still getting too much food, so I've cut that back quite a bit and he's not complaining yet, which makes me think he is getting enough. He needs to loose a few kilos and always has. Maybe we can achieve that now. I'm still putting ointment in his eye and it looks better, but it isn't cleared up yet. The ointment is very expensive, so I hope I don't have to keep buying it.

Toby's allergies are back. He is sneezing again and has runny eyes. He didn't have that all winter, but it just started again. He's not suffering, so I'm not going to worry about it and have another expensive vet bill. I clean his eyes every day and say, "Bless you," when he sneezes. That's about all I can do. I'm keeping an eye on his eyes to make sure they don't become infected, because I sure as heck don't want that to happen. Imagine two animals with eye infections.

Gandhi and Nouri are fine. They hang out on the dining table and watch the world go by through the windows there. We still get people who walk by and say, "Oh, look at the cats!" And then Nouri becomes scared of all the faces at the window and takes off, while Gandhi just sits there. Nouri is a little paranoid and gets scared of leaves falling off trees, or me walking through the apartment too quickly.

The sun is shining and it is 11 degrees Celsius outside. That is 52 degrees Fahrenheit. Not bad for a day in March. The fact that the sun is shining makes up for a lot. I saw the first dandelions in the field today. And some unknown little bush had pink blossoms on it. Some of the shrubbery has little buds of green, but you have to look very carefully. It's going to be so exciting when the trees show their first green buds. It's not going to be long now before that happens. Every day we are getting a little bit closer. All you have to do is watch the changes happen very closely.

Living with the seasons makes you appreciate the springtime so very much. There is very little about the winter that I like and I just sort of endure it and wait for the spring to come. But when it comes, it comes in a hurry and you really have to pay attention, because before you know it, everything is lush and green around you and you really ought to savor every moment. That's why I'm going for an extra walk with the dog right now. To see what is happening in everybody's gardens.

Have a good day, everybody.

Ciao...

No expectations.

Have no expectations and then there is always the delete button for when it really turns into something very unpublishable. I have used it this past week many times and used it again this morning with no mercy, so I am glad of its existence. When I type drivel I don't want to finish the post, but stop typing and delete and shut the computer off.

Despite having had a good night's sleep and waking up well enough, I went back to the sofa after a few hours and took a long nap and now I feel like I am really awake and that the first time was maybe not so real and just a trial awakening. At least I got the animals fed and the dog walked after that first time and I even made some cigarettes and checked my bank account balance, which was healthy enough, thank goodness.

I just seem to need a lot of sleep and I am going to pay attention to that need and not ignore it and sleep whenever I have the urge to. That's why it is good to have the computer off and to sometimes sit and do nothing, so I can listen to the signals of my own mind and body and do what they tell me. Sleep seems to be a cure all for what ails my mind and it is like the best medicine I could take.

It has decided to be another rainy day and I have to decide if I want to go to the supermarket or be very frugal with my milk and go tomorrow when no rain is predicted. I don't fancy going out on my bike in this weather very much. It's the kind of rain that is nonstop and will keep coming down endlessly.

Oh yes, I have to tell you that I've seen crocuses and daffodils. Somebody had a lot of them in their garden. It was a real treat. There were other bulb plants showing their greenery and I can only assume that those are tulips coming up or maybe hyacinths.

The jasmine that I dug out of the ground last year, and stuck in a pot out front, has many new shoots, so I think it has survived the ruthless transplant and is going to grow well. These small miracles of nature, that happen unaided by us, give me hope for the future.

I am glad that today is a day off. I think I need it to do exactly what I want to do and that is a few chores around the apartment and some reading in my very good book and some general staring out the window, during which I will do nothing more strenuous then letting my mind wander.

It's so important to be in touch with my feelings and emotions and general mental state of health, that running away from it by sitting behind the computer endlessly and then trying to catch up on chores, is just not a good life style for me. I need to build in many quiet moments during which I can rest and take inventory and organize my thoughts and my needs and take care of those. Solitude and serenity are so important. They are healing states of mind for my soul. If I don't have those regularly every day, I become mentally exhausted and loose my ability to deal with the most ordinary things.

This morning I wished I didn't have a dog, because it was too much effort to pet him. All he wanted was a little bit of attention and all I could think was that it was too much work to give it to him and that I was not capable of it and I wished that he was like a cat and would go is own way. Luckily, after I slept those extra hours, I stopped feeling quite that strongly about it, but in my present mood, I would never have another dog again. The need is too great. I even surprise myself by saying that.

Well, I think that is quite enough of my soul bearing ruminations. I won't hit the delete button. It would be a shame for the effort I put into it.

Have a good day. I hope you aren't being rained on.

Ciao...

The best ever...

I went to the grocery store and bought the best ever senior dog food I could find for my beloved Überhund, because nothing is too good for him and I will get his weight down while he dines in style. This stuff is more expensive, comes in smaller portions, and is made with real chunks of meat and rice and vegetables and when I gave it to him, he almost could not believe his luck and ate it all with a great big healthy appetite and then looked around to see if there was more.

There is more, but I had to disappoint him and not give him another batch of it, because it will break the bank. I am already looking at the cash register receipt to see what I can save money on so that he can enjoy this quality food. I tell you, the stuff looked great, there was definitely no mystery meat in there and the vegetables were recognizable as well. It's called Cesar, fit for kings. I don't mind spending the money on it, because, let's face it, the Überhund is getting old and is overweight and needs the best food I can find for him. Supplemented with the Bonzo bones for his teeth, that should do him fine.

I got chocolate pudding for myself as a treat for having done the groceries so well and everything just barely fit in the bike bags and the shopping bag, but it wasn't too heavy, just bulky.

I bought a small container of Sheba for Nouri, who has not been eating well enough and I gave it to her while I kept the other cats and the dog at a distance. I sat beside her on the kitchen floor while she ate it very gratefully and I think I will buy it for her more often to supplement the dry food that she eats. She is such a shy and demure cat and I think maybe she is not getting enough nutrition. Don't you love animals that should come with instruction booklets?

Since it is Saturday, I had to water all my plants and that means taking them all into the kitchen and taking them out of their outer pots and setting them into the kitchen sink for a good drench and drain. I tried to water them in the spots where they are with the watering can, but end up with puddles of water beside the pots and a huge mess on my hands that I have to sop up with a towel. This way is easier. They get enough water and are well drained and don't sit in a layer of water with their bottoms. They always perk up instantly, as if they react to the cool water right away. I feel like I'm doing them a big favor.

The little hardy fern seems to be doing well. I have it sitting in a darker corner of the living room and I worried about it being too dark there, but very often I have a lamp burning in that spot, so maybe that helps. I's got new shoots in the heart of it and I am willing them to evolve and grow into new leaves.

I have just applied the ointments to the dog's eyes again and I must say that he is very cooperative. More than you would expect a human being to be. I think they would mope around and complain a bit first, because it's not that much fun. I am hoping to slowly see improvement over a week's time, as the right eye is very obviously red when I lift his upper eyelid. The left eye actually looks pretty good.

My sister and I took the dogs for a long walk at noontime. I didn't know how well the Überhund would do without his pain medication, but he did fine and sauntered around without any problems. His legs weren't trembling when we got home. That means the glucosamine tabets are doing their job in strengthening his joints. He hops and skips when the mood hits him and he digs in when he wants to inspect a spot a little further and I really have to pull hard to get him to come, because my sister waits for no man.

The weather has been beautiful today. Blue skies all around and sunshine, although it wasn't all that warm. The sunshine was a blessing though, and it felt good to walk in it and we avoided all the shady sides of the streets.

We were too busy talking to really notice anyone's gardens and to see if there was anything popping out of the ground yet. I think not, because possibly we would have spotted it, being eagle eyed as we are. Not much gets past us. People don't seem to have snowdrops, I haven't seen any. Nor have I seen any crocuses. Even the grass of the fields is very bare looking still and it is impossible to imagine how lush it will be in a few months.

Now I have to go and walk the dog and then eat something, which I always forget to do during the day. I live on coffee and forget to eat.

Have a wonderful evening, don't forget it's Valentine's Day and your beloved may have expectations.

Ciao...