Onward forever and then some...

I can tell you one thing and that is that I'm not depressed anymore. That bird has flown the coop. The mood has escaped me. I am so relieved. I thought it had during the night but I didn't want to jubilate ahead of time. Now that it's daytime, I know for sure. I'm in a fine mood and all my worries seem far away. Hey, isn't that a line in a song? No, that goes a little bit different than that. 

I've reduced my anti-psychotics from 8 mg to 6 mg and I think that's made the difference. I think I was taking too much. That former amount was okay when I was hypo-manic but it was too much when I came down to earth again and I think it made me depressed. It was a temporary measure anyway and was never meant to be of permanent nature. 

I think my psychiatrist can trust me enough to make these decisions. I do have some personal leeway when it comes to some of my medicines. I know damn well what they do with me and it's not always the right thing at the right time.

So now I'm sitting here with my good mood and the best of intentions. The apartment is cleaned up, but I do have a stack of mail to plow through. I will do that shortly. Since it's Saturday, I've got all day to do it and no phone calls to make about it. Everybody on the help desks will have the weekend off. That does give me a break. It's nice when something is impossible to do. It gives you time to think about it. 

I was outside with the dog in the beautiful warm sunshine and wore my summer top. I do want to get a little bit of color before it gets too hot. I can't believe how pleasant it was out there and have opened all the windows to air out the place. Now it's really springtime and tonight we set the clocks ahead one hour. I do look forward to the extra hour of daylight in the evening. 

My older sister is going to have a galstone operation. Apparently there is nothing else wrong with her and that is a big relief. She did have us worried there for a while. She's very sick with them and it's about time something is done about them. She's just not assertive enough when it comes to her health. I don't take after her.

The dog is lying down on the dining table in the sunshine that is coming in through the windows. I think he likes it very much. This morning he tore the outer layer off a tennis ball. The rug in the living room was covered with fuzz. He had such a goood time doing that. He's got three balls left to go. He always does find ways to amuse himself and then there's always the cat to bother. 

The Exfactor bought me chewable vitamins and they are as good as candies. They are forest berry flavor and I want to keep eating them, but I'm not supposed to. That makes me think that I have a secret longing for sweets. I ought to buy a bag of them the next time I'm in the pharmacy. They have a good selection there of old fashioned candy. The vanilla drops are especially good. 

I hope you'll all have a good Saturday.

Ciao,

Irene

Picking up the routine again...

I had a cup and a half of coffee and that's all I wanted. It didn't taste as good as it usually does, nor did it quench my thirst. I needed a glass of cold milk for that. It's a good thing that the Exfactor will be here today to do the groceries because I'm running out of milk and the dog is almost out of dog food. I think he has about four bites left in his bowl. The Exfactor will be greeted with open arms. He will be a welcome sight.

Of course, I'm burping now from the milk, but it's not as bad since I stopped taking the B-complex vitamins. I think those upset my stomach too much. A dear blogging friend suggested that they might be and I think she was right, proving that you can't very innocently take just any pill or supplement. They do affect your system. If this is not pointed out to you, you keep very naively taking them and think there's something the matter with you. You don't suspect vitamins and supplements, after all. 

I'm slowly getting back to normal and am not so harried and stressed anymore. I think I'm coming down from the anxious day that Friday was. I achieved this partly by talking about it with my personal helper who does have her positive aspects when I'm willing to see them. I have to be in the right frame of mind to do this and lately I have been. I appreciate her much more than I used to. She helped me get my head straight about the subject anyway. 

It's with some amount of relief that I look forward to the rest of the week, although I have nothing special planned. It will just be the same old routine that it always is and that almost isn't good enough. Something will have to be done about it. I will have to make some plans to fill in my time better. I do wish to sleep later in the morning because I don't do as well when I get up early. My mood is not as good. I think that may have to do with the time of year. I have the need to hibernate.

The weather has been lovely and the sun has been shining every day. The temperatures have not been bad either and I only have to close the windows at night and sometimes turn the heater on for a little while. I do it when the dog starts to shiver in the bedroom. It does get cool in there and is all day long. It's the best room to be in the summertime, but now it's a little bit cold.

I'll have to go back to bed. I must get the rest of my sleep. That's the sensible me speaking. The one who knows not to stay up all night. It's nice and warm in here now, so going to bed will be extra special.

Ciao,

Nora

If you're happy, clap you hands...

I'm up much earlier than I was planing to be, but that does mean that I'll get enough sleep still before I have to get up to get ready for my appointment with my therapist. I'll be able to get up on time to drink coffee, get dressed and walk the dog leisurely before I have to leave. I'll not have to rush and that's my kind of planning. 

I do hate having to do things at the very last minute without having a chance to contemplate my navel. There always has to be some time for contemplation. I need to pull my thoughts together and remember who I am. And most importantly, to find out what mood I'm in, although it's usually the same one each morning. I do like to double check. 

Last week my appointment was canceled. I was in the bathroom getting ready when the secretary called to say that the therapist was sick. And I almost didn't answer that phone call. That was to have been my first official appointment, so now today's will be. I'm more than ready for it, but basically I feel good and have nothing to complain about. That's nice for a change too. It will get us off to a good start. 

Yesterday morning my sister came and picked me up to go to the optician downtown. We parked the car at the garage and walked to the optician in the little street it was in. It wasn't very busy downtown like it can be sometimes. That was kind of a relief. It was a joy to walk through the streets on the cobblestones and have room to move. 

Once at the shop, it took me only a short time to pick out the glasses that I wanted with the help of my sister and the optician. I only tried on a few before I found them. They are a nice modern looking pair, but I do have to say that there was a good selection to choose from. 

Then I had to have my eyes checked and it seems that this wasn't done properly in the past because the optician came out with different values than I had before. The last time my eyes were checked, they weren't checked by an optician, but by a co-worker who had a college education and a diploma. He wasn't a true optician. 

I had my eyes checked for both far away and up close and my astigmatism. We tried the lenses out for close by and I will be able to read very well. It will make quite a bit of difference compared to those cheap reading glasses I had been getting at the drugstore. 

The lenses for my new glasses have to be specially ordered and they should be ready within two weeks, so that's how long I have to be patient. From that point on I will be wearing them all the time and not once in a great while. Vanity will not get the better of me. Besides, I look good with these on.

My sister and I did a little bit of shopping afterwards and much window shopping. We saw all sorts of clothes and boots that we would liked to have had. We were good and didn't spend any crazy money. 

I did buy the vitamins and minerals that I need to augment my diet and started taking those yesterday. I think the vitamin B-complex is especially important because it's good for your nervous system. I think I can use some help there.

I've been faithfully applying baby lotion to my face every day and it is making my skin softer and less wrinkly. I've been sitting in front of the magnifying mirror when I apply it and it is ruthless. I may as well face the truth. 

It's time for me to go back to bed. I've got hours left to sleep. It will be oh so warm under the duvet. I've got the radio off now and sleep in silence. At least my dreams are not influenced by it anymore. They are all my own. It does make a difference. They are not so confused like they were. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Tripping lights fantastic...

No, I'm not really going to, it just seemed like an interesting post title. I couldn't think of anything else and this one was stuck in my head. Now that I've used it, it won't bother me again. 

I woke up feeling very good and I was happy to open my eyes. Anticipation tingled through my body, but I don't know what for. I was struck by giddiness all by myself for no reason at all. It sure was a pleasant feeling. 

I'm more sedated now that I've sat here for a while and read some other people's blogs. That will get your head on straight. Of course, drinking a cup of coffee will too. It works as well as taking any kind of pill. 

I stopped drinking milk yesterday morning and have been drinking green tea with lemon since then. Not pots of it certainly. Just enough of it to quench my thirst in tall glasses with just enough sugar to make it a little sweet. 

My stomach feels better for not drinking the milk and is not in an uproar anymore. Hopefully soon the soreness will disappear. It dawned on me that I had not tolerated milk for quite some time, but I had been drinking so much of it that I had gotten used to an upset stomach. 

I am changing my diet drastically and will be eating beef, fruits, vegetables and rice and taking certain vitamins and food supplements. This will be in an effort to get my whole body healthy. I think I may be suffering from some anemia causing me to get very dizzy on occasion. 

Tomorrow, I will go to the grocery store with the Exfactor to pick out the kind of foods that I want. I want to have a good look around and see what's available. I have no idea what kind of fruits there will be now and how expensive they will be.  

Today I will be going to the optician with my sister to have my eyes tested and to pick out my new glasses. I'm very excited about this because I hope I find the right pair. They will be covering my face from some point on soon and it's important that they look good. 

I have some idea of what I want and I hope I find what I'm looking for. I do have expectations. I have been thinking about them for some time and paying attention to the kind of glasses that I see advertised. I saw some that I really liked and I hope that I will find some like it at this optician. 

I have to go back to bed and finish sleeping. I have to set the alarm clock to get up early this morning. I have to be wide awake soon enough for my sister to come and pick me up. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Silences and books...

If you look at it optimistically, it's very early in the morning, though that doesn't mean that it's anywhere near dawn. Of course, it's still wintertime so the sun does get up late. If it were summertime, it would be different and the early birds would be twittering now. It is a sound I will welcome and not soon enough. There's nothing happier than early morning bird song.

I've got hours of darkness left while I sit here and drink my coffee and try to amuse myself. I've just taken my vitamin pill while I thought of it and I will take my Omega 3 capsule when that huge vitamin pill has passed the narrow opening of my gastric band. The Omega 3 capsule is rather large too and I'm afraid to take both at the same time. I would hate to cause an obstruction while being especially mindful of my health.

It's with some amount of pleasure that I welcome Saturday. Because it's a weekend day, I will spend it as I like and have no schedule that looks like anything during the week. I will do some chores and walk the dog, but it will mostly be at my leisure. I will watch cultural programs on television and start reading a new book, because last night I finished reading the book that's in my sidebar. 

I had read half of it and put it aside and never got around to finishing it. I picked it up last night and sat down in my armchair and did and with much pleasure too. I didn't put it down until I was done with it and even forgot to watch the news. That's saying something. It may be because I know Laurie Hertzel from her blog that I was especially interested in this book, but it was just plain good and fun to read.

I have a variety of novels on my bookcase to choose from, but I want to make the right choice, because I'm a picky reader right now and not just any old book is going to grab my attention and make me sit down long enough to finish it. It does have to be especially good and have many redeeming features. I have to have a good look at each one and choose carefully.

It's still stormy outside and cloudy, but it's not raining. It's not going to be especially cold, but the gusts of wind make it feel colder than it is. It will be a good day to mostly stay inside and hunker down. At least we're not having snow and ice or that terrible snow storm that the people in North America are having. Those are real extremes of weather that we don't have to deal with. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora

Digital.

According to my new digital scale, I have lost 3 kilos. I bought my scale at the housewares store and I got it on sale. It is an expensive scale that also measures your body fat and body water content and muscle/fat percentage. It was marked down to the price of a cheaper scale. Of course, I have to program it to do all those things, but for now it tells me my weight and that is good enough. The rest will come later.

I now have about 4 kilos left to lose to reach the weight that the Obesitas Specialist said I should aim for, but I am going to try and lose more weight and aim for an additional 5 kilos, but if I lose the 4 kilos, I will have lost a total of 40 kilos, which is the equivalent of a small person.

I had planned to do more things, but I was so worn out from making that one purchase, that I laid down on the sofa and slept for 3 hours. Yes, I can´t believe it myself. I didn´t know I was short of sleep. I thought I was all caught up. Without realizing it, I was very tired and needed those extra hours. I felt a lot better when I woke up, but still pleasantly drowsy and tired enough to want to go to bed on time in the evening.

I slept like a bear in hibernation, but I did get up early and doubtlessly that means I will have to take another nap this afternoon. I have to do some chores today and I will get those done in the morning. There aren't that many to do, but just enough to make the place look cared for. My domestic help isn't going to be here tomorrow because she is moving and I will have to do some of the cleaning myself. I really don't mind. I'm more than capable of doing that.

I walked around the housewares store for a bit and saw all sorts of things that I needed, but it would have wiped out my budget if I had bought them all. A woman could go crazy in there, there was so much neat stuff. I saw the glasses I wanted and a new shower curtain and a new waste basket, but I just couldn't spend the money. The bathroom scale was more expensive than I had counted on. I'll see what I can buy with my next check.

Today is already Thursday and it seems that the week is flying by. Today is officially my day off. I never have any appointments on this day. Or very rarely anyway. I try not to have any commitments, but keep the day free for whatever I want to do. I think I will be reading a lot. I got "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" two days ago and I'm already fascinated by it, so I will read it. I've also got to go to the tobacco shop and buy two lighters, because the one the Exfactor got me is starting to run low on fuel and all I have is a box of matches that don't work well. So you see we are the victims of shoddy products and just have to accept that because they were cheap.

My punk hairdo is still very punky. It only got more so by sleeping on it. I'll rough it up a little more in a while and spray some hairspray on it. It should hold it sufficiently even when the wind is blowing. I like being just the slightest bit abstract. It matches my clothes. Oh, that reminds me, I've got to do a little bit of ironing today. There are some clothes that I want to wear that need to be ironed. They will look a heck of a lot better if I do. There's no getting around it. I have to put distilled water in the steam iron. Our water is too hard and it plugs up the holes on the bottom.

I've got to take my medicines and get dressed. It's time to take Tyke for his walk, though he is sound asleep on the coffee table. No doubt he is just waiting for me to get up, but at least he's not breathing down my neck. I've taken my vitamins and minerals pill an hour ago. I want to see if that way it doesn't interfere with my medication. I would be good if it doesn't, because I really need that those vitamins and minerals for my health. It would be very foolish to completely do without them.

I hope you have a nice day.

Ciao,
Nora

Waiting for the finish...

My Monday domestic help is here and I think she is not pleased about having to clean the bedroom windows and woodwork. She doesn't seem very happy anyway. She's making it extra hard on herself by ignoring a very good cleaning product that I recommended and the glass cleaning product. She wants to be stubborn and do it her own way with an all purpose cleaner.

Oh, look at me, talking badly about my domestic help. That's not very mice. I mustn't do that and change my tune immediately. It's the result that counts in the end and I will praise her for that. If she wants to use more elbow grease, then that's up to her.

I'm expecting the Exfactor and really need to make a shopping list, but some things are already written down. They are mostly more cleaning products and vacuum cleaner bags. Those women do got through those things like crazy. Things that may last me a few months are gone in several weeks time. They prepare one bucket of suds after the other and spray cleaner and degreaser as if there is no end to it. I must say, though, that my apartment is very clean. I never got it that clean myself.

The Exfactor has gotten here in the meantime and has had a cup of coffee and has now gone to the store armed with my shopping list and my bank card. Before that, Tyke got a hold of his motorcycle glove and was chewing on it. It had been left in the wrong place. There was too much temptation. The Exfactor hit him over the head with it.

The domestic help has just left. She got the windows and the woodwork and the windowsill very clean and I praised and thanked her a lot. We were both pleased. It had been a tough job for her, I get the feeling. She'll have to do the same job in the spare bedroom next week. I must always remember to be appreciative of her, no matter how stubborn she is.

I got 5 hours of sleep this morning. It wasn't really enough, but I will catch up on the rest of it tonight. I didn't want to be caught asleep in bed by anyone, but as it turned out, I had lots of time to wake up and do a few chores and walk Tyke. It never did cool off in the apartment more, even though it was cool in the beginning of the day. Now the sun is shining again and the light is coming straight through the living room windows, warming up the place.

The Exfactor fixed the blind that I had broken. I had moved it and caused the cord not to work anymore. I couldn't pull the blind up, try as I might. I fiddled with it, but couldn't figure out how to fix it. I knew I didn't have the insight to repair it and that the Exfactor did and I was right. He repaired it in a few minutes and turned the blind over so the other side of it would show and did the same thing to the other blind. Now they hang free of the window and allow more of a draft to come through. Isn't he smart? He has more technical ability than I do. That's why he should have been an engineer. I kid you not.

Now he is gone again after he delivered the groceries and had one more cup of coffee. I'm all on my own again with Tyke and the cats. Toby is lying in the paper box and Gandhi is outside on the patio.

I can't wait for my high tops to get here, because my feet are very sore from my shoes, but I have to wear them. Of course, I could try on some sandals. That's what I'll try next. Maybe they will be more comfortable. I have tan lines on my feet from my shoes. That's how often I've worn them, with no regard to the health of my feet at all. I just ignore them and suffer. How silly of me.

I'm wearing a denim skirt and a silky black tank top with my black and red and purple scarf. I do like the feel of the scarf around my neck, it gives me a sense of security, like a kid with its blanket that it carries around. I did find my denim mini skirt. It was in the closet right where it was supposed to be in the stack of skirts. I must have been blind when I looked before. I think I was looking for a different color denim and just didn't see it, it didn't register. So, that mystery is solved. Well, there was no mystery, actually.

I've just had my last cup of coffee. One thing I mustn't do is drink any more coffee now. I'm pretty sure that's what kept me awake last night. I must stick to juice and milk tonight. The Exfactor got me some multivitamin berry juice and it looks very appetizing. No doubt it will taste great. My mouth is already watering for it. I do have to get my vitamins in and stay as healthy as possible. Sometimes I get a shortage of them.

No doubt I will be writing another post in no time at all. I seem to be a bit addicted to blogging right now. This in spite of the fact that I do turn the computer off as much as possible and do get other things done. It is a temporary addiction, possibly, maybe because I'm a bit hyper and high strung. I'm not going to worry about it. I don't think I'm in any sort of trouble. I just need to drink less coffee and more milk. Warm milk, preferably, and I'm going to take a tranquilizer in just a minute. Just one to slow me down a bit.

Have a terrific rest of the Monday. I have to take my medicines and walk Tyke again.

Ciao,
Nora

More than I was aiming for...

My post to entertain you all last night, turned somewhat introspective, no doubt because of the late hour and the intimate and cozy setting it was written in. Besides, when a person is only talking to herself without immediate feedback, it does give you a tendency to get deeper into a subject than might have been your intention and you have to call yourself back from those places that get too refelctive and do some editing once in a while. That means deleting large portions of self indulgant drivel.

Introspection is good, as long as I stay on this side of the line of reality. It's not good to see myself as a goodly earth mother, with ancient Saxon roots, who is connected to nature and all that lives in it and who lives in a hut in a meadow and brews potions to make all your ailments disappear, though it is a lovely thought. I need to be the real me in the real world and not fantasize lyrical about willow trees and cows in the meadow by the stream.

I've had that period in my life and was completely disconnected from reality, insulated from it, although I also think back on it with some amount of pleasure, but I can weep for the fog caught in the twisted oak trees and the moss on the forest floor and the deer that walked there through the dead leaves. There are bits of scar tissue in my heart from that.

Right, and now for something completely different. I am drinking more coffee again. Not as much as I was before, but more than the three cups I was drinking lately. I am now drinking about six cups a day and most of it in the morning. I don't know where this sudden desire came from, although it may have something to do with the fact that I cleaned the Senseo machine and the coffee tastes better now. I was drinking a bitter cup before that took the pleasure out of it. I'm also sleeping less and in more need of a pick me up in the morning and I do notice the difference. So, more coffee it is. Whether or not it is good for me. Experience will tell.

I guess you always have periods in your life when you are more sensible about yourself and when you are not. Last night I didn't get to sleep on time and I woke up relatively early this morning. I know I won't take a nap all day, because I've sworn those off and that leaves me no other choice but to go to bed on time tonight. I don't know how that affects the reality of my day, or better, how I experience it. I know it has a tendency to make me lazy and to not want to do anything that requires physical effort, although that's probably just the thing I should do. That would put a different slant on my day and my attitude. I can't always be living in my head and monitoring my emotions. Sometimes I have to step out of it and experience something else.

I slept on my elbow wrong and I can't bend my arm without having pain in my hand. Usually it disappears after I've been up for a while, but now it's hanging on stubbornly. That poor nerve must really be pinched. I wish I knew what to do about it, but I know of no exercise that can help it. I want to take something for the pain, but I don't know how that affects my other medicines, so I'm afraid to do it. I'm so happy when I feel good, that I'm afraid to add another pill to the mixture to upset the balance. Already I can't take the vitamin and mineral capsule, because it completely interferes with the working of my other medicines.

I have to go and do some household chores now. Tomorrow the domestic help comes and I have to have these things done before she gets here. That means I have to shut the computer off. By the way, I didn't even finish my third cup of coffee. I had enough of it.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

It's so easy...

I just finished that most interesting novel, "Prodigal Summer" and I'm so impressed with it that, although I've picked out my next book, "Sullivan's Island" by Dorothea Benton Frank, I will not be able to start it for a while, because I have to let the former book sink into my whole being really well and mull it over in my mind for a bit. It was so tremendously good, that I want to savor it like the aftertaste of a good meal and let it digest inside of me in it's own good time. I'm almost afraid to chase the memory of it away from me with another novel, that's how deeply impressed I am with it.

Barbara Kingsolver must have 'lived' that whole novel. She must have a keen knowledge of the things that happen in it. She observed what she describes, there's no doubt about it. She's a master story teller. I can only hope that Dorothea Benton Frank is too. Her book was on the New York Times Bestsellers List, but that doesn't say everything, although I do have a sparkle of hope. I will start it tonight when I go to bed and hope that it grabs my attention as well as "Prodigal Summer"did.

So what do you do? You waste a whole afternoon, just about, finishing a book you can't put down, because you have to know how it ends, but it seems like it is a never ending story and it could go on forever. Everything gets left undone, except the most necessary jobs and they don't amount to a hill of beans (that's an Americanism, isn't it?). My only excuse is that reading broadens the mind and keeps me out of trouble, literally. An occupied mind is a peaceful mind.

I was over at my sister's a little while ago and she told me how she had cleaned the walls of her long corridor with a scrub sponge and made them all white again. I stood flabbergasted at such boundless energy and had a vague memory of having been that way myself one time. Now she's a gazelle and I'm a slug.

Actually, one of the things I hope to find out on Friday, is that my thyroid is working to slowly and that my medication for it will have to be increased. That would explain my almost constant lack of energy and my weight gain. It would be an answer to some things anyway. Another thing I may find out, is that I'm anemic and that would explain my lack of energy also, although I should not be with the vitamins I'm taking, unless those vitamins are not what they claim to be and it is all a scam. You never know on the Internet.

Alright, I have to eat. My stomach is protesting. It can't live on the written word alone.

Ciao,
Nora

Sunday early in the morning...

No new snow fell during the night and we are left with the snow as it was yesterday, trodden on by a dozen feet and compacted by car tires. More snow is expected today and more wind from the northeast. From Siberia, as my sister says. Right now it's cloudy and a mere -2C, so it's not very cold at all. Well, I wouldn't want to go out there in my bathrobe and slippers, but then nobody is expecting me to.

I've been up for quite a while. I went to bed very early last night, finding that I had no patience to watch the television and no energy to blog. I would sleep longer, I think, if it weren't for the pain in that darn arm that keeps waking me up. It radiates from my shoulder, because I know I have a bad shoulder and it hurts too. I may end up going to the doctor with it, even if he says there's nothing that can be done about it. I can't afford physiotherapy, so that's out. I think I will get the heating pad out and put that on my shoulder and see if it helps me any. It's very frustrating not to be able to do anything.

In the meantime, I've had my second cup of coffee, I've fed the cats and petted the dog several times, and I've had a tall glass of multi vitamin juice, which was delicious. I'm imagining that my hair has gotten thicker now that I take that special vitamin pill every day, but that may really just be my imagination. It seems that way to me anyway. It would be really good, because I had a thin patch on my head that really showed up and my mother used to have it too. I guess I'm genetically predisposed. My bad luck. I try to fix my hair in such a way that it doesn't show up, but I'm not always successful.

That special shampoo and conditioner I bought for brown hair work great, though. My hair is keeping the color I dyed it in much better and there aren't any roots showing yet. Usually the color would have faded by now and I would have had to dye it again, so it was worth buying those products. Andrélon has them for blond hair too and you can use those products too if blond and brown or red are your natural colors. It just perks them up a bit. Hey, I should be paid for being a spokeswoman again. I do speak up for a product every once in a while, completely free of charge and hey, hair is dead, you can do to it what you like, it's your scalp that counts.

I put my reading glasses on this morning to read what it said on the tube of ointment that I'm now using for my eczema. Much to my surprise it turned out to be a homeopathic medicine. Now, I hold no faith in homeopathic medicine whatsoever. I don't believe in it, so it is with great skepticism that I will continue using this ointment, but I'm going to give it a fair chance and see if it will do the job. It says that I need to apply it 2 to 3 times a day and so I will. I'm not going to dismiss it outright and say it won't work. I will just assume that it will and forget my prejudice. Stranger things have happened and maybe I will be proved wrong. I used to be very skeptic about antidepressants too, and about mood stabilizers, until I started using them. Once I'm done with the tube, I'll look for an ointment that's based on medicinal herbs. When I'm done with this post, I'm going to look up the main ingredient in the ointment.

Oh well, I just did. The main ingredient is from a plant called Cardiospermum Haliacabum, also called "Love in a Puff" in English. It is a vine from Africa, South America and India and the product of the plant is used there for skin conditions. Well, you learn something new every day. Maybe this ointment will work after all. Except that homeopathic medicine just has the very diluted "memory" of the original ingredient in it. So it's really quack medicine, but like I said, I may be wrong. The ointment is called Cardiflor. I'll keep you updated. At least I didn't go out and buy it, because I never would have.

It pays to always be skeptical in this world and to not believe everything you hear outright. People make so many claims and tell so many stories. It's best to be a cynic and to be your own best advisor and to look up information as well as you can before you accept all sorts of Indian stories. It's unbelievable how gullible some people are or want to be, or just are because they lack a certain amount of common sense or power of deduction. When someone says to me that I'm a cynic, I'm proud of it, because that means the wool can't be pulled over my eyes easily. I'd rather be a cynic than the naive believer in things that I used to be when I was younger and impressionable and not taught to rely on my own powers of observation. Being impressionable is not a positive trait. I say, make your children skeptical and teach them to be cynical. They'll be better armed to survive in this world.

When I was young, I was taught to ignore many things that were just very wrong and I was not allowed to talk about them or acknowledge them in any way. That teaches you to doubt yourself and your feelings and your powers of observation. It also teaches you to accept the unacceptable. You can see how subsequently that allows you to get into all sorts of unpleasant situations when you get older. You doubt yourself too much to put your foot down and demand proper treatment and living conditions. You don't know when you are in an unacceptable situation. You go along with whatever program you find yourself in, no matter how unpleasant it is. It's very awful to be denied the truth of your situation when you are a child, but also when you are older and you don't have the tools yet to extract yourself. You find yourself trying to manage a life that you're not equipped for and there's nobody around to show you that it's not okay, that there's something seriously wrong with it. If on top of that you are naive and gullible and impressionable, you have a very sad situation. That's why I prefer being a skeptic and a cynic and I hope I only become more so.

That was a little observation on life I allowed myself. Now it's time to eat breakfast and go back to bed for a while. I've got to get a few more hours of sleep. First I've got to find the heating pad, but I think I gave it to the Exfactor when he had a backache.

Have a wonderful Sunday and don't let the weather get you down.

Ciao,
Nora

How to do it?

I have to figure out a way to dispense my energy evenly without being at either side of the spectrum in my moods. If I'm manic I am capable of doing many things, but when I'm done being manic, I turn into this sleepy headed woman again who needs to take naps and who doesn't at all spend her time wisely. It may be that I take too many tranquilizers and I'm going to try and cut down on them, although I don't know how easy that is going to be, because in the past I've always needed more of them for various reasons. Today I was exceptionally sleepy, but I think that was in reaction to the past mania too and I can't count it as ordinary behavior. It is just now that I'm starting to feel like a normal person again and I have stopped yawning, which I've done all day long. Well, I write that down and yawn, of course.

I took a long nap today after I had slept late this morning. I felt fuzzy headed while I walked the dog and not at all wide awake and I knew I needed more sleep. But I think that's not normal and I want to stop being in that position. I want to have an ordinary amount of energy and not have to wait for a mania to get a lot of things accomplished. I think it's very reasonable of me to expect to have enough energy to do the ordinary things in life that other people do without feeling wiped out. I am cutting down on the tranquilizers now and I'll see how it goes. I don't constantly have to be drugged, after all. I'm not a dangerous animal.

It's snowing! A nice layer of powdery snow is covering everything outside and the dog and I already walked in it. I did say that I didn't want it to snow, didn't I? Well, this snow, so far, is nice. It is very clean and pretty and there isn't a lot of it, so it's not too bad. I do have a good pair of boots to wear for it now, after all. I'm not going to get wet socks. It was nice to be outside and have the snow fall on us and it reminded me of the fact that my father and I would always go out for a walk in the first snow of the season and this would usually be at night. We wanted to make the first footsteps in the snow. That was a nice tradition that we had. I'm sorry he isn't here to do that with me anymore now. But the dog and I can do it. I think the dog likes snow. He likes to sniff in it very much, the same way he sniffs in fallen leaves.

Speaking of dogs. He looked at me with such melancholy eyes tonight after his dinner, that I gave him an extra 150 grams of food and he ate it with good appetite. That's such a little amount of food that it's not going to make much difference in his diet and it made him happy. I sure don't have a heart of steel and I can't deny him food if he's still hungry. What I gave him was lean meat, so it should be okay. You see, there's a certain logic in my reasoning.

I'm listening to some very obscure music that I got off the Jamendo website where you can download music for free. It's very innocuous music and not very exciting. Good to have in the background while I write this. There's nothing startling about it. Some blues, some jazz, some chansons, some new age. Oh, gag me with a spoon! When something is totally free, you don't have much choice. You make the best of it. That's why I just switched to Deezer for some better music. The Wild Yaks! That will wake you up! Of course, it completely prevents me from concentrating on what I'm writing here. I'll have to switch it off so I can hear myself think. I don't know how kids do it with their iPods stuck in their ears all day.

I have liked having all these days off. I thought I was going to mind not having therapy hardly, and soon none at all, but I like sleeping late in the mornings and getting my days started slowly. Well, except for those few days there. I quite accidentally, and I don't know how, have shut off the alarm clock in the mornings and now it doesn't go off at 7 am, which means I sleep until 9:30 am or there abouts. It's quite nice, even when I go to bed on time. I'm going to try and stay up a little bit late tonight and see if I can't mop the floors. Yeah, I know, it sounds ridiculous, but I'm really considering it. I must do it one of these days, it may as well be now. And I have to change the sheets on my bed. Toby has been lying beside my pillow and it is kind of grubby there. I know, I should put a towel down there, but I always forget. Besides, clean sheets are nice to have on the bed.

I'm saying to you that I may do all those things, but I may just as easily skip them, because I'm yawning again. I certainly dislike all this tiredness. I thought it would disappear with the vitamins, but maybe I haven't taken them long enough yet. I've only had five capsules. I suppose it's going to take a little longer than that.

Well, that's it for me for now. If I suddenly get a burst of energy, you will be the first to know. I doubt it very much, though, but I can hope for it.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora

It never did...

Well, it never did turn into time to go to bed and I have been busy all night. It turned out that the cable that was so long in the kitchen closet, and that was attached to the modem, was the cable that was attached to the computer, which meant that there was enough cable there for me to move the computer across the living room to the corner where the black and white chair was standing. This was perfect, so I started taking things off the computer desk so I could move it and I unplugged it from the wall. I had to unplug the sound system, but I could leave the rest of the cables plugged in and moved the whole desk with the computer on it. It wasn't heavy and I easily slid it across the room. Once there, I installed the sound system again and plugged the computer in and checked that everything worked and it did. I was so proud of myself. I do have to tuck the cable into the baseboards, but I'll have to do some hammering for that and I obviously can't do that now.

I moved the black and white chair to were the computer desk used to be and put a painted wooden crate next to it with a plant on top and an astray from Italy beside it. I'll have to get a proper little table for there, but this will do for now. Now the sitting area is completely done, except for the different colored blinds I want to get, but there's no rush. I will all happen in it's own sweet time. The computer desk is right beside a radiator and just tonight it got so cold outside that the heater came on and it got toasty warm in this corner, so that was very pleasant.

The sound system is working and I'm listening to Feist. I was listening to Linkin' Park earlier. It gets me in the right mood. Hell, anything is bound to get me in the right mood now. I don't know what is wrong with me and where all this energy is coming from, but it's great. I remember having this much energy twenty years ago, but not recently. I feel like a young chick. I was joking about the fact that those vitamin pills were working awfully fast, seeing as though I've only had two of them so far, but I feel like Popeye who's eaten a can of spinach. I even have muscles in my brain.

In a little while I'm going to clean up the kitchen, which is a job that has been waiting for me for a while now and I've been putting it off. I didn't have the courage to get it done and now it seems like it is nothing at all and I'll have it done in a jiffy.

Massive Attack is on now, am I in the mood for that? I must see if there is something better. Ha, now I'm listening to Björk. That's the right kind of music for an early autumn morning.

The cats are keeping me company, but the dog has retreated to the bedroom to sleep on his pillow. He doesn't like these all nighters. He appreciates his sleep. This will give me a chance to put an extra blanket under the blanket that he sleeps on in the living room. I want to make it as comfortable as possible for him. I don't want him to get sore elbows. God forbid.

If you sit in other places in your living room, where you normally don't sit, you notice new dust. It is very irritating, because you realize you're even sloppier than you thought you were. I must make a bucket of suds and clean the radiators. Oh joy, that's just the kind of job I was looking forward to. Radiators were designed by men who didn't think of what dust traps they would be for housewives.

Okay, now I've got to clean up the kitchen. Enough of these shenanigans. It's like all I do is sit here and send out missives. As if I don't have other things to do.

Have a wonderful day today.

Ciao,
Nora

This evening...

I laid down on the sofa this afternoon and within 5 minutes I was sound asleep. So, I did need to go to sleep after all and I did need that rest and going to the hairdresser had taken it out of me, which is surprising, but I forgot that I'm in a low pressure system and started behaving as though I am not and having normal expectations of myself. I slept until the doorbell rang about two hours later and it was a delivery person with a large package from the United States. It was from my blogging friend Gail At the Farm, who has a habit of suddenly, out of the blue, sending me packages with surprises inside of them.

This time she sent me delicious smelling body lotions, and a book, and an ashtray with a lid on it for in my purse, and magazines about dogs and art, and a body care gift box filled with goodies, and a picture frame in the shape of a flip flop, because she always wears those. A real cornucopia. Of course, I immediately tried one of the body lotions on my hands and as I sit here I can smell them and it is wonderful. Wild orchid it is called and I'm imagining what I will smell like when I have applied it over my whole body. I will fall in love with myself, I think. The book is called Half Broke Horses by Jeannette Walls and I can't wait to start reading it. Another fine book to add to my collection.

I think it's very sweet when people send me things, especially when I want to send people things myself, but am always too broke to do it, so I never do. One day I will, one day I will make good on it.

Then the time arrived for me to go grocery shopping and I sat down on the sofa and smoked a cigarette to gather courage. After I smoked that one, I tried to get up and grab my purse and go, but I couldn't and sat and had another cigarette instead. I realized that it was going to be hard to go, so I called my sister to ask her to take me to the store in her car instead, but she was not home. Then I got a panic attack and wanted to call a random person and tell them to come and rescue me and go to the store for me. Of course, there was no such person to call and I took a pill instead and sat down on the sofa instead and smoked another cigarette. I decided then, to take the dog and at least walk to the tobacco shop, so that would be done. I could handle that, because I would have the dog with me and it wasn't that far away.

So, I got that done, but wild horses can't drag me to the grocery store and we'll have to live on what's in the refrigerator and the cupboards. I'm too scared to go, I can't do it. I'll have to wait for a day when I'm brave again. Hopefully I will be on Monday, because then I really have to go. There's no escaping it. I feel totally hopeless because of it, but I don't know what to do.

As a result of this, my low pressure system is moving in again and I have to make sure that I mentally prepare myself for it.

I just called my sister and she agreed to take me to the store later tonight.

I hate asking people for favors, because you always get the idea that you're imposing on them and asking them to do something very difficult for you. I would rather solve this problem on my own, but I don't know how. I'm now thinking that it's maybe easier to go to the store under the cover of dark than to wait for my sister to take me.

--------------------

I walked the dog and when I came back my sister was ready to take me to the store, so that was rather quick. It's wonderful to do your shopping in a car. I brought a laundry basket and my big shopping bag and everything fit in there and was easily carried into the apartment. What a difference from having to do it on your bike. It was nearly a painless operation, except for my sister who slammed a heavy door on her finger at work and it has turned black and blue and is very painful and throbbing and I bet she broke it. I told her she should probably have it splinted, but she thinks it's just bruised. I think she is in too much pain.

At least we have food in the house now for a while and I won't have to worry about it now. I was concerned about making it through the weekend.

My vitamin pills that were custom made for me arrived in the mail today. They fit through the mailbox slot, because they came in three boxes of 30 pills each. I only have to take one pill per day and I put one box with my other medicines so I will remember to take them and remember to order new ones on time. I think this is such a novel idea, to have individually made vitamin pills. I assume I'm going to notice some difference in my constitution somewhere after I've been taking these pills for a while and I'm curious as to what it will be. Maybe I'll have more energy and courage. Do vitamins B and D and iron give you courage?

Well, I'm going to get my pajamas on and have something to eat. Then I'm going to read some blogs, because I'm behind in that. Oh yes, I'm going to look in the mirror at my new hairdo. I almost forgot about that.

Have a good evening. Is it cold there too?

Ciao,
Nora

This morning...

I'm feeling less like a hypochondriac this morning and more like a regular person who probably just is fighting a little infection. All of your comments have shaken some common sense into me and it is what I needed. I do have an imagination that will go on the run with me, which is fine when you are writing works of fiction or creating art, but in real life it doesn't do you much good. It is much better to keep both feet firmly planted on the ground and stay in the moment and not imagine all sorts of far fetched scenarios.

Now, as you can see, I'm not at the grocery store, but still sitting here in my pajamas and having my coffee and cigarettes. It's awfully tough to get dressed in the morning when there is no one here to shout at you that you ought to get the show on the road. Actually, I will have to get that show on the road in about an hour, because I have an appointment with the hairdresser. I decided yesterday that I couldn't do a thing with my hair that looked halfway good and that it needed to be cut shorter. So, in a while I get to have the pleasure of someone washing my hair and fiddling with it, which I always very much enjoy. I do like going to the hairdresser. I would go once a week, if my hair grew that fast.

In the meantime, I'm taking advantage of my spare time between getting up and going there by answering my emails and directing the animals to the correct bowls of food. The cats are trying to eat the dog's food and he is letting them and no amount of interference on my part is making any difference. I chase them away and they keep coming back and the dog does nothing. He just lies there and watches them do it. He has no sense of ownership this morning. It has completely deserted him. Luckily, the cats have little stomachs and are quickly filled up and there's more than enough left for the dog.

I'm actually not too worried about doing the groceries, because I will be wearing my new boots and sporting a new haircut when I go and somehow that gives me courage. Isn't that funny? As if I will be a smarter and better person because of that. It's all in the image, people. I suppose I think it's what I show on the outside what counts. I'm sure I judge people the same way myself, although I'm not consciously aware of it. I must make all sorts of assumptions about how someone looks. It's very middle class of me. I told you before, I think, that I'm a little bit bourgeois, it runs in the family and it has for generations. That song of Jacques Brell would be very appropriate for my ancestors.

It's only 3C outside so it's actually a bit on the cold side. I don't know how much I like that, because it's also supposed to rain today. Most likely the wind will blow also and that will mean that it will be the kind of weather I like least of all. At least I will have the proper hairdo for it, indestructible. It's the only kind of hair to have in this climate, either very short or long in a pony tail. You can't have a Grace Kelly hairdo.

I've got to get dressed and walk the dog. He is patiently waiting for me. I will finish this when I get back from the hairdresser...



...I'm back from the hairdresser with a very good haircut. A new girl cut my hair, so it was a bit nerve wrecking in that I didn't know if she would follow my instructions well, but she did and cut it just the way I told her to and she did a very good job. So I am satisfied. Now I am exhausted and feel like taking a nap, as if going to the hairdresser has been a major job that I took on, when really it was nothing at all. Still, I feel very sleepy and I think I need to go lie down for a nap. I will have to do the groceries later after I wake up.

I did a food test on a vitamin website the other day and it analyzed my food intake and what vitamins and minerals I was short on. I was short on vitamins B and D and on iron. A special food supplement providing these elements is on its way to me now and I'm expecting it today. With my luck it will get here just as I'm sound asleep on the sofa and it won't fit through the mailbox slot. That will mean that somebody will ring the doorbell. Oh no!

I'm going to sleep now. Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora