The better stuff...

At least I can tell you one thing for certain, I'm having better instant coffee now than I have been having. I got the better brand today which I won't mention by name but it is very well known. It sure makes a difference in how good the coffee tastes and I'm drinking it with more pleasure. I no longer make an ugly face when I take the first sip. I'm even looking forward to the second cup.

I've got groceries in the apartment and I can eat good things again. I celebrated that by eating vanilla pudding and I peeled an apple for the dog which he ate with much enthusiasm. The only problem is that I cut myself in my thumb while peeling the apple and it went deep. For a while (about an hour) I was bleeding all over the place. I have to be careful with my thumb now or it will start all over again. Do you know how difficult it is not to use your thumb? 

It is raining outside and has been for a while. I thought it was just a shower at first but it kept on raining and hasn't stopped for the past hour and a half. The dog very enthisiastically wanted to go for a walk just now but I let him out back and he got the message. He's now lying belly up beside me with his four paws in the air, sound asleep. He's so exposed, it does make you want to tickle him. I'll be kind and not do that. I've got to think of my thumb too. 

I'm still yawning from the nap I took. I thought, while I wait for my thumb to stop bleeding I might as well take a nap. The animals slept on the bed with me and it was very cozy. I like the room I sleep in now and am used to it. It is very much my room. I would like to add some different furniture to it but those are just future dreams. I can go to the Ikea website any time and long for all the things I want to get. Because I smoke again, I won't have the money to get anything. That's the price I pay. 

Since it's Saturday evening, there will no doubt be many boring television shows on. I will have to find another way to amuse myself. I don't hang out on Facebook much anymore having become completely bored with it for the moment. So that's one activity behind the computer that has ceased.

Today I started reducing my anti-psychotics some more. This is in order to elevate my mood just a little bit. I'm not depressed but I think I can be a little bit more cheerful and I think the anti-psychotics are dampening my mood just a little bit too much. I'm just reducing them by 1 mg at first and if all goes well, I'll reduce them by another 1 mg. I'll go slowly on this and not hasten anything. The first week is the most important and will tell me a lot. 

I hope you're all having a good weekend and that your weather is kind to you. 

Ciao,

Irene

I don't think I'll do that...

I opened the flatpacks that the dresser came in with some muscle power. They were very well closed and I had to rip them open. It said not to use a knife and I was obedient. Inside them were a myriad of different parts that had to be put together and a hundred different screws and nuts to do it with. 

There was also an instruction booklet of quite a few pages. 

Now, I know I'm smart enough to tackle the job, but I looked at all the screws and nuts and at my measly little screwdriver and thought, "Forget it, this is a job for the Exfactor!" 

He is supposed to be here tomorrow anyway to do it, and he is bringing his electric screwdriver, so the job will be much easier for him with my able help. I think two can do a better job than one at any rate. We will have it done in no time at all. And, oh yes, it also requires a hammer. That sounds like fun, doesn't it?

I had some spare time on my hands and that's why I considered putting the dresser together, but in the end it was the domestic help who needed my spare time. 

You see, she is almost three months pregnant and in need of a older, wiser listening ear and one with humor. So I had to do my best to cheer her up and make her see the sunny side of pregnancy. I think I succeeded to some extent. 

I'm very capable of being wise and funny simultaneously when I have to help out young pregnant women. I used to be one myself and I know what they need to hear. It seems to me that she's surrounded by doomsday thinkers who tell her horror stories. Someone needed to make her feel good. 

I can't stand people who don't think and say whatever enters their head. You know the kind. They try to be funny while being knuckleheaded with no regard to the person they're being it to. The unwise and the unkind people. The dumb people. Lord save us from them all. 

I feel very protective toward people who I cnsider as falling under my care and start to take things personally when I think they aren't being treated properly in some way. I feel it is my duty to do something about it and be their advocate. At least be their Mother Confessor where they can go and unload their psyches.

I would run interference if they asked me to and give someone a black eye if it came to that, although by nature I'm a non-violent person. Well, I think I am, I won't guarantee it. 

I might have been a fierce warrior in the late Bronze Age. 

In the meantime I'm sitting here looking at the clock because in a little while I have to take the dog for a walk. The sun is shining but it's a little bit cold outside. This morning there was frost on the cars and the fields. 

It's been a great day, although I haven't had enough sleep. I've had enough coffee and that's what has kept me going. It's the caffeine that is making me so wise and brave.

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Irene

Pete and repeat...

I'm in an extremely warm and fuzzy mood because I've just woken up from a life renewing nap and I'm now having a cup of coffee and a cigarette. The circumstances couldn't get much better than this. For just a little while anyway, I can let myself believe that everything is perfect and that I've landed in heaven. It isn't every day that I can say that. I do have to treasure the moment and share it with you. 

The sun is shining into the living room and, because I also had the heater on for a while, it's nice and warm in here. That was a pleasure to wake up to. I feel warm all the way through my bones and that doesn't happen all the time. It's good because my bathrobe is in the washing machine and I'm not able to wear it right now. 

I did finally remember to stick it in there and wash it after emptying the pockets. That was a crucial factor because there were all sorts of things in there that wouldn't have survived the wash cycle. It would have been a right mess if I hadn't taken them out. Especially the paper tissues would have created a disaster. 

After I put together the bed for the guest room yesterday, I had all the carton packing material that I didn't know what to do with stacked up in the hallway. The animals and I kept having to step on top of it if we wanted to go anywhere and it really was in the way. I was a little puzzled as to what to do with the very large pieces but today I got it sorted out.

I got a box and folded everything into as small as possible enough pieces so they would fit into the box. It really turned out to be fairly simple and not that much work and I was done in no time at all. The dog helped me by standing on every piece of carton that I wanted to fold. He was very thoughtful that way. I did appreciate it very much. Now the box can be put out by the sidewalk for the people of the recycle truck to pick it up. 

I didn't put together the dresser but have decided to let the Exfactor do that with my able help. I'm a little bit intimidated by the heaviness of the flatpacks it comes in and I think putting it together will be more work than I anticipated. The bed turned out to be. The Exfactor may be just a little more technical than I am when it comes to putting together complicated pieces of furniture. 

I mustn't say that because I'm sure I'm quite capable of it, but I'm letting myself be intimidated. I would do it if left to my own devices. Circumstances dictate that I'm more helpless now.

I must get back to my Zen moment that I was in at the start of this post. The dog is telling me it's time to go for a walk, however, and I suppose I will take him out now. I do hate to make him wait. He's such a well mannered animal. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

Metamorphosis...

I'm happy to report that the medication for my headache is working well and that as long as I take it on time, I am pain free. It is really an anti-inflammatory medicine and I take one pill every eight hours and that is just good enough. I can't tell you what a relief it is not to be in pain anymore and to be able to move around normally. It's just plain wonderful. 

I'm so glad I went to the doctor and that he figured out so quickly what the problem was. I think he deserves a medal for that. That's how grateful I am. I could still be walking around in pain and I shudder at the thought. 

In the meantime, I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee having just woken up from a sound sleep in my new bedroom. The dog howled once and that was enough to immediately awaken me.I was a little confused about my whereabouts but soon figured it out. I was not in Kansas anymore but in the bedroom that had until just the day before been the junk room. 

The domestic help had cleaned it and you could literally eat off the floor. It was all the more obvious that the room needed painting, but now I know that the whole apartment does and it's going to be a big job that I'm not ready to tackle yet. I don't know when I will be able to and I think It;s going to take a small army to do the job. Either that, or a professional painter. I'll have to see how expensive that is. 

The domestic help is a peach. She didn't bat an eye when I asked her if she could clean the bedroom but was enthusiastic right away. She did a great job and when I asked her to help me move the furniture, she was more than eager to help and we worked as a great team together. She doesn't have to do that kind of work at all, but she likes to do me favors. We get along well.

After she left, I added some decorative touches to the room. I have a vase with lighted branches on a high plant stand and I strung up some fairy lights on the shelf system in the corner by the window to make it look cozy and festive. I added items to the bookcase along one wall and hung up a painting above it. I've got the dog's cushion beside my bed and the dog and the cat on my bed where they think they rightfully belong. 

The Exfactor came later in the afternoon but he didn't put the furniture together for the guest room. He had gone to work at seven o'clock in the morning and didn't have the energy left to do it. I could excuse him for that. He's going to do it on Monday or Tuesday and I will wait patiently. I have no other choice to tell you the truth. My sister can't help because she'll be in Italy. I may try to do it by myself, I'll see. It may be a two person job but I may be able to do it on my own. 

I'm having hot flashes as I sit here and I do think I'm too old for those. My fingers are swollen up too. My hormones must be off balance. I've got to blame it on something. 

I hope you're all havng a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Interesting.

It's been an interesting day so far. When I woke up this morning, I realized that my life was really not all that complicated and that the difficulties I saw in it were really due to events that happened in the past, over 16 years ago and much longer, and that it was time to leave all that behind me and concentrate on this life that I have here now, by myself, in the Netherlands. If I look only at that life, a lot of the complications drop away, because, although it is not easy sometimes, it only concerns me and I'm the only one in the end who has to live with myself and the consequences of my disorder and actions resulting thereof. I can disconnect as much as possible from people who would get involved too much and deal with things on my own along with the help of the professionals around me. That way nobody needs to get hurt.

It was a big realization for me. A real "Eureka" moment. To let go of the past and the people in it and to only deal with now. I've talked the talk, but I've never felt it as clearly as I did this morning. It was a great relief. I felt a lot of freedom suddenly. I hope it continues so.

That set me in the right frame of mind to tackle the rest of the day and I immediately did a load of laundry after I wrote my last post. Sheets and towels and the dog pillow cover on 60C with extra detergent to get it real clean. I puttered around the apartment after that and did odd jobs and realized I wanted the furniture back in its original place. I thought it looked cluttered the way it was and I was unhappy about Tyke sitting on top of the sofa in front of the windows, barking at things that went by and dirtying the glass.

The Exfactor came over and went to the hardware store to buy the wood to make a new little gate in the fence, because the other one had rotted off one of the hinges. It needed to be 4 x 4 feet. He built a double frame with plastic coated chicken wire screwed between it and it's perfect. He had a battery powered drill and was done in the shortest amount of time. he put the hinges on and a hook to keep it closed and put it in place and there it was. All finished.

He also went grocery shopping for me and when he came back and we had unloaded everything, I asked him if he would help me move the furniture. I had a plan on what to move in which order and we worked like a finely tuned unit and were done within 20 minutes. I just had to deal with the little details after he left and that was no problem. I enjoyed doing that. I swept and dusted where it was necessary, especially when I moved the area rug, but there are some jobs left for tomorrow and I will do those then.

In the busyness of it all, I almost forgot to walk Tyke and he was mighty relieved when I took him out. The weather is turning warmer and tomorrow we're supposed to have sunshine. It's time to open the windows again and let the fresh air and the street noise in. That's the drawback of having the windows open. That does irritate me. I'm right on top of the sidewalk and the street and all the noise. I don't care for mopeds and scooters and airplanes taking off and landing nearby.

Right, I have to watch the news now. Mustn't miss that in these exciting political campaign times. Next week we vote. You should see the campaign spots on TV.

Ciao,
Nora

It never did...

Well, it never did turn into time to go to bed and I have been busy all night. It turned out that the cable that was so long in the kitchen closet, and that was attached to the modem, was the cable that was attached to the computer, which meant that there was enough cable there for me to move the computer across the living room to the corner where the black and white chair was standing. This was perfect, so I started taking things off the computer desk so I could move it and I unplugged it from the wall. I had to unplug the sound system, but I could leave the rest of the cables plugged in and moved the whole desk with the computer on it. It wasn't heavy and I easily slid it across the room. Once there, I installed the sound system again and plugged the computer in and checked that everything worked and it did. I was so proud of myself. I do have to tuck the cable into the baseboards, but I'll have to do some hammering for that and I obviously can't do that now.

I moved the black and white chair to were the computer desk used to be and put a painted wooden crate next to it with a plant on top and an astray from Italy beside it. I'll have to get a proper little table for there, but this will do for now. Now the sitting area is completely done, except for the different colored blinds I want to get, but there's no rush. I will all happen in it's own sweet time. The computer desk is right beside a radiator and just tonight it got so cold outside that the heater came on and it got toasty warm in this corner, so that was very pleasant.

The sound system is working and I'm listening to Feist. I was listening to Linkin' Park earlier. It gets me in the right mood. Hell, anything is bound to get me in the right mood now. I don't know what is wrong with me and where all this energy is coming from, but it's great. I remember having this much energy twenty years ago, but not recently. I feel like a young chick. I was joking about the fact that those vitamin pills were working awfully fast, seeing as though I've only had two of them so far, but I feel like Popeye who's eaten a can of spinach. I even have muscles in my brain.

In a little while I'm going to clean up the kitchen, which is a job that has been waiting for me for a while now and I've been putting it off. I didn't have the courage to get it done and now it seems like it is nothing at all and I'll have it done in a jiffy.

Massive Attack is on now, am I in the mood for that? I must see if there is something better. Ha, now I'm listening to Björk. That's the right kind of music for an early autumn morning.

The cats are keeping me company, but the dog has retreated to the bedroom to sleep on his pillow. He doesn't like these all nighters. He appreciates his sleep. This will give me a chance to put an extra blanket under the blanket that he sleeps on in the living room. I want to make it as comfortable as possible for him. I don't want him to get sore elbows. God forbid.

If you sit in other places in your living room, where you normally don't sit, you notice new dust. It is very irritating, because you realize you're even sloppier than you thought you were. I must make a bucket of suds and clean the radiators. Oh joy, that's just the kind of job I was looking forward to. Radiators were designed by men who didn't think of what dust traps they would be for housewives.

Okay, now I've got to clean up the kitchen. Enough of these shenanigans. It's like all I do is sit here and send out missives. As if I don't have other things to do.

Have a wonderful day today.

Ciao,
Nora

Hi People.

If you're looking for your award, you have to go down one post and you will find it there. If not, you're in the right place for some leisurely reading.

This afternoon, The Exfactor and I were supposed to move almost everything from my bedroom to the spare bedroom and move all the junk from there to my bedroom. In other words, we were going to exchange rooms, but he called me at 12:30 pm to tell me that his back was still bothering him and that he would be by instead tomorrow when I'm hardly going to be home.

So I said, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and promptly made a plan of action and went to work. First I moved my own furniture out of the way, to make room for the first of the boxes and other junk that was sitting in the middle of the spare room. Then I started hauling that over and stacking it in a rational way against a wall.

That cleared up all the floor space in the spare room and I saw that I would have to do an awful lot of vacuuming, because I could hardly see the carpet for the grit and dog and cat hair and other assorted little bits and pieces that were unidentifiable. It had also been the Exfactor's hobby room.

Then I started taking the boxes of assorted items out of their shelf systems and brought those to the bedroom, very carefully one by one, easy does it. Every time a shelf system was empty, I took it to the bedroom and stood it against the wall and filled it up again, trying to do this in the most logical way, with all the heavy stuff on the bottom.

I did this five times with little breaks and glasses of juice in between. Finally, I had the spare room almost empty, except for one shelf system for which I could not find room and that also has some of my things on it. I am going to look at those items in a while and give them a better place. There won't be much left on it after that and the Exfactor should be able to move it out tomorrow.

Then I had to get rid of all the cobwebs, which were numerous, and vacuum the carpet really well. I took my time doing that and I got it cleaned up very nicely. If you run fast, you don't notice anything. That's what my mother always said.

After that, I had to haul my bed in there and that was a lot of work, because I didn't have the right screwdriver to take it apart. I had to leave it in one piece, but did take the mattress and the mattress support out, which was very heavy. It took some shoving and pulling and pushing to get it through the doorways and around various corners, but I did get it in place and put back together.

The night stand and the chairs and the standing lamp were easy. The long white bookcase was already in place and just needed too be cleaned up and have items placed on it. I did that, but I still need to clean the radiators and wash the windows, but I had run out of steam and called it a day. I will do a few small things now that I'm rested up again, but the hard work I'll do later this week.

I'm mighty proud of myself and said as much to the Exfactor when he called. He was quite surprised that I had done the job all on my own. I tell you, I'm no wimpy woman, I have muscles in my arms. You could say that I take after my father and don't know the word 'can't.'

All this time, Gandhi was 'helping' me. She climbed on every box and shelf system and on top of the mattress that was leaning against the wall. She had a ball. She ran from one room to another and jumped straight into an empty trash bag that made a lot of noise and when the bed was made, she went to sleep on it for a nice little while.

Toby was outside all this time, but at one point he came in and started meowing very confusedly and walking around as if he had lost his way, so I had to reassure him that everything was okay. He's not as playful as Gandhi, being the male cat of the house and having to think about his dignity and all. I think he also gets scared quicker, but don't tell him I said that. He has a reputation to hold up.

The dog just laid on the floor at a close distance and slept and if he got in the way he moved two feet and went on sleeping. I moved his pillow and that was just fine with him, he didn't mind one bit and laid down on it when he felt like it no matter where it was. That dog is unflappable. Nothing upsets him, except for cats eyeballing his very good food. I had accidentally bought him chunky puppy food and he certainly liked that! Gandhi only got to lick his empty dish.

Now I'm off to do those few little chores. I don't have any sore muscles or a sore back, so I suppose I am okay. Tonight I get to sleep in my new bedroom, now no longer called the spare room or the hobby room or the junk room.

Have a good night, everyone. I hope your day was as enjoyable as mine.

Ciao...

P.S. It was 26 degrees Celsius today, tomorrow it will be 27. That's about 80 degrees Fahrenheit.

Friday evening.

I am fighting off a huge anxiety attack, or I should say rather, a series of minor anxiety attacks, because what have I done today? I have ordered, on credit, a new sofa, that will cost me 13 Euros a month to pay off over a period of 4 years. I can't believe I did it and I am still bamboozled by it myself. It was so easy to do, that the deed was done before I even realized what I was doing, but once the decision was made, I did not want to go back and undo it.

The idea came to me this morning when I was vacuuming the sofa and I saw the sorry state it was in and that no matter how well I vacuumed it, I could not make it look as nice as I wanted it to. I decided on the spur of the moment to see if the sofa that I had coveted since last summer was still available and it was. So there you go. It will be delivered Thursday next week.

Now you all know how I deal with big decisions in my life, right? I have upsets in my moods and this one is causing me some upset. I hardly know how to deal with the stress I feel from it. I have made a commitment and it is scaring me half to death and I am already thinking how I am going to fit 13 Euros into my budget. What am I not going to buy during the month that will make up for it?

I have to deal with this like an adult and make the best of it. I have made a decision and now I have to make a plan to make it work. There will be no crying over spilled milk. I will manage this.

I love the way I am reasoning this out in this post and using you as my sounding board. There are actually numerous ways I can save money during the month. Living frugally is not that hard to do and I can do it as well as the next person. I must keep courage and not let myself feel defeated ahead of time. Being overwhelmed prematurely is not the way to go about this.

Right, I think I've got my head on straighter now. Time to put on my pajamas and watch some television. I have a feeling I will be asleep in no time, considering how short my night was last night.

Have a good night.

Ciao...

Fooling around...

I thought I would fool people and illustrate the apparent expectation of a sunrise for 'The Most Splendid Day!" by giving you a photograph for a header of a starry night. It is so beautiful, that I could not resist it and the contradiction. It reminds me of Van Gogh's Starry Night, of course, but I don't think the curators of his museum would appreciate me using it as a header.

Isn't this a lovely photograph, though, and I wonder where it was taken? I am assuming in some Scandinavian country, but I could be wrong. I had to crop it a bit to make it fit, but the most important elements are there. Imagine sitting on a bench in that garden and watching a sky filled with that many stars. It would make your head spin, even if you weren't drinking a hot toddy or some warm mulled wine. I very much would like to transport myself to that place and spend several hours there.

I suppose that is what photography is all about. To create the desire in you to be there where the photograph was taken. If there is mystery in it, we want to unwrap that, and if there is beauty in it, we want to absorb it. We want to be where the photographer has been and capture that moment that he has captured on camera in person. It makes you have a feeling of homesickness to see beautiful photography, because very often you have a feeling of recognition with the place depicted and you think to yourself, I need to go there. The desire is great and you can't stop looking at the photograph of it.

We want to see with our own eyes what it is like to walk around there and to sit and stare and take in the sounds and smells and feel the textures of the walls and the fabrics and the trees and the grass. We want to walk on that ground and listen to those voices that are so different from our own, even if we won't understand a word of it.

I feel that way about Africa. I have all at once a great desire for it and a large repulsion against it. I want to go to Africa and feel the heat and inhale the dust and meet the people and listen to them talk, yet at the same time, I know that the poverty will oppress me and that the inequality will outrage me and that I will see much injustice.

I was in South Africa once and walked on the street where I as a white woman was a minority. Still, I was a privileged minority. I was not scared, but only curious and I wanted to talk to everybody, but I knew it was not done. The servants in the house we stayed at were not used to our liberal way of approaching them and were quite shy. We approached them as equals and wanted to know about them, but they retreated behind a smile and polite silence. They picked up after us and we could not drop anything on the floor, because it meant more work for them and we learned not to leave anything laying around.

We never got to know them and I don't think that the people who employed them ever got to know them either. There were two worlds living together separated by color. There was a status quo that was respected by both sides, or observed by.

I want to go to Africa and be absorbed by it and forget that I am a white woman, although I think it must be impossible. Maybe, if enough red dust were to settle on me, nobody would be able to tell the difference.

---------------

The Exfactor was here this afternoon. He came of his own accord after he told me yesterday that he would not come by, because we had seen each other that day. We talked for a while over several cups of coffee and I told him that because of my slumbering feelings for him, he could not be my caretaker anymore, because it would put me in an awkward position of being dependent on him and I thought it was unhealthy under the circumstances.

He agreed, but said immediately that we could still be good friends and that he would always want to come by and help me out with practical matters and that he didn't think he had to disappear out of my life and that he had no desire to, which leads me to believe that I still play some sort of an important role in the Exfactor's life and that he can't cut me off either.

So, we will be each other's friends, but he knows of my slumbering feelings and to tread gently. I told him that over time these feelings will change and that it is all new and raw now, especially with the divorce just being final. I think he does understand the importance of that event. The momentousness of it.

So, we parted as casually cheerful as we always do and I am sure I will see him again in the shortest amount of time when he comes to do his laundry.

---------------

My sister and I walked the dogs at noontime and for two people who are going through similar experiences, we sure had little to say to eachother. There is something standing in the way of us and I don't know what it is, but it is not something coming from me, that I am sure of. I would almost say that my sister has closed up around me and doesn't share certain things anymore, but I don't know why not. I am not going to break my head over it and will just continue on with my life as if there is nothing wrong and wait and see when the change of heart comes again, because one day it will. I am patient.

----------------

The Überhund is playing with Gandhi, but she is playing unfairly and is using her claws and the Überhund is very upset. He is laying right by her making begging noises and trying to get her to chase him. Gandhi is so cool and collected, she acts like she is the Queen and only disdainfully agrees to play with the Überhund to amuse him ever so slightly, but not too much.

I feel a terrible desire to go to Ikea and shop till I drop, but having no transportation I have no way of getting there. That leather sofa is still available there at that attractive price, but at this point I am unable to get it unless I go deeper into debt. I saw another attractive sofa somewhere else. It wasn't leather and will be just as much work to vacuum, but it sure was good looking. When I was hypomanic I thought of all sorts of schemes to get my hands on it. I would have sold my body for it, but I don't think I can make that much money and I wouldn't want to have to do it repeatedly.

So, I go on living with my old sofa, which needs vacuuming very often, because it is dark brown and every hair shows on it. Whatever made me think it was a good idea to buy it? Inexperience, of course.

Well, that's all the rambling you're getting out of me today. I will add some art, that you may or may not have seen already. I just can't keep track. It will beautify this post, though.

Have a wonderful rest of the day and make sure Billy doesn't get his hands on you and devotes a post to you and you alone.

Ciao...