Made it!

Knowing what I know now about my sleeping pattern, I managed to sleep from 10 o'clock last night until 6:30 this morning. I did wake up three times during the night, but forced myself to go back to sleep until I thought I had slept a decent enough time. Each time I woke up, I stood beside my bed, but managed to get back into it, even when I was having night sweats. I don't know if I'm done sleeping now, time will tell. It is possible that I'll still find myself napping on the sofa, but at least I had a fairly good night's sleep. Each time I woke up, it only took me a minute to get back to sleep. I probably could have slept longer this morning, but I thought it was a good time to get up and that I had slept long enough. I'll try to sleep longer tomorrow. I will make it a sport to see how long I can sleep in the morning, while still going to bed at a decent time at night. It will be a challenge.

Sometimes it's good to pay attention to the things that lie hidden in your subconscious. It takes a little bit of work and a little bit of reasoning, but after some deep analysis you can sometimes get to the root of the problem if you allow yourself to look at unpleasant memories and facts that you're hiding from. And then you say to yourself, "If it looks like a horse and it acts like a horse, it must be a horse." I'm very good in denying myself some obvious reasons for why some things in my life don't go smoothly, because I only look at them on the surface and not deep down, three dimensionally. I think therapy doesn't help me get there either, because nobody knows how deep to dig and how safe that is. It's up to me to do that work.

I always have major breakdowns on the anniversary of my son's death, but each time they take me by surprise, because each time I don't make the link and deny myself the pain that I feel about it and how traumatized I really am. So, I look for other reasons for why I'm falling apart and it isn't until days later that I realize what's really happened and why I felt the way I did. That's how very much I don't look beneath the surface so many times. It's obvious that the most traumatic events are the ones that are going to impact you the most for the rest of your life, yet we don't calculate them into our reactions to certain moments and important times and days or the subconscious memories we're having that are triggered by something or someone around us.

I must remember that I'm wounded and that those wounds aren't healed. I don't have scar tissue. I have wounds. And there are always moments and days and periods when those wounds hurt like hell. If I deny that, I will have breakdowns that take me by surprise every time, or other problems that seem unsolvable.

Well, that's it for my psychological insights for today. I don't want to completely get bogged down in them. There are other things in life too. Like this delicious glass of juice I'm drinking, because I was so very thirsty.

It's going to be 5C today and it's going to rain and hopefully that means that all that ice in the streets and on the sidewalks will disappear. I can't wait for it to happen. I hope it just comes pouring down. At the moment the sun is shining, though, and it is 0C. I haven't walked the dog yet, so I have no idea how the sunshine feels today, but I will go out there shortly and get a taste of it before it's all gone. The dog did an enormously long piddle out back, so I have time.

The Exfactor was here yesterday and kept me company for a while. I was feeling a little bit lonely and asked him to stay for a while and I discussed some of my theories with him. He's a good enough listener, although he's not as good as a licensed psychologist. He does his best, though, and it does feel good to talk about some things. To get them off my chest when there is no one else to discuss them with. His collarbone is all healed and he can ride his motorcycle again, much to his relief. He even went to the tobacconist for me to get my weekly supply, which saved me a trip over there on the icy sidewalks. He has to park his motorcycle at the beginning of my street, as it is to icy to ride here. The main roads are clear of ice and snow.

Well, I'm going to take the dog for a walk while it is still nice out. No doubt he'll appreciate that, although he's gone back asleep on his pillow in the bedroom. I guess he isn't in any sort of hurry at all.

I hope you all have a nice day. I'll wish for all your snow to be gone, or do you like it?

Ciao,
Nora

I din't get it quite right...

Well, I slept on the sofa with two cats on top of me the whole time. The good news is that I didn't have any night sweats, the bad news is that I didn't sleep long enough. I woke up at 4 o'clock this morning and got up and made myself a cup of coffee and wild horses couldn't have dragged me back to sleep. I would have gone kicking and screaming. I was bound an determined to be awake and alert and functioning. Where there's a will, there's a way. It only took one cup of coffee and two cigarettes to be completely there. I was answering emails before my brain was at the right speed. It was in first gear and I took off, switching gears as I got up to speed. I have just taken my medicines and in a while that antipsychotic medication will make me sleepy again and then I will go back to the sofa. I'm assuming that that's what the problem is, anyway.

I'm not going to be concerned about being sleepy during the day anymore, because I just am and there's not much I can do about it. I don't know if it's a side effect of the medicines or if it's because it's wintertime, but I seem to want to sleep through the most important parts of the day and night. I am alert in the evenings and very early in the mornings. That's just the way it is. I'll have to see what happens to me in the springtime. Maybe things will get more balanced then.

I've been having sleeping problems on and off for 16 years. More on than off. I got them when I came to the Netherlands and have never gotten over them. That's because I've never felt safe anymore. I've always felt that I need to be hyper vigilant and alert, especially now that I live on my own, but I was this way before too, when I was still married. Before I had my computer I watched MTV with headphones on and waited for it to be morning so I could make noise. The computer was a real lifesaver. It made the hours go by quickly and kept me entertained. I don't know what I would do without it. Go back to watching MTV I suppose, although it's not what it was. I like the fact that I can do what I want now and make noise or not and turn on lights and talk to myself and the dog and listen to music. The last time I slept really well was when I was in the States. I kept very normal hours then and slept like a baby. That's 5 years ago. Just imagine that all this time I haven't felt safe. There's something deeply psychological going on.

My father murdered my mother at 4:30 in the morning while she was asleep. I very often wonder if that has something to do with it. It's something I can think about on two levels. One way is on a very rational, non-emotional level where I just keep myself to the facts, but there's another level that lies much deeper and where I shudder at the horror of it all and want to scream and cry and turn away my head and not look at it. It's too horrible to remember. I wonder how I walk around with that, subconsciously, to this day. I think you never get over something like that, really.

Okay, I'm going to eat and go lie down on the sofa again, or maybe on the bed, I'll see. No, not on the bed after what I just told you.

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora