Sunday in the wee hours.

I went to bed at 7 pm last night. I was so tired and basically all I had done all day was sit behind the computer, but I suppose that can wear you out also. I read my book for just a little while and then went to sleep and slept for eight hours, which I think is pretty darn good. I was surprised when I looked at the alarm clock and saw what time it was when I woke up. Of course, it is still early in the morning, but that just leaves me a lot of time to sit here behind the computer and have wonderful cups of coffee and cigarettes and do as I please until the day really starts. By that I mean, when the sun comes up and I have to get dressed and walk the dog and do a serious task instead of just sitting here enjoying myself.

It is only -7C outside, so not as cold as it was the night before last. Cold enough for the heater to go on every once in awhile, so it is nice and pleasant in the apartment. I have some lights on so I don't sit here in the dark too much, I mean not only with the desk lamp on, and it is very cozy. It makes me feel safe and comfortable, as if all is well with the world for right now. You do have to get your small moments of joy out of the day as much as possible and you have to find them in the little things that are very near and dear to you, such as being in your own safe and quiet space with the lights on and the cold and dark world outside. It makes you appreciate being warm and comfortable very much.

The dog is always where I am. Every once in a while he goes and finds a more comfortable place to lie down, but he always returns here to lie beside me on the rug, as if he is attached to me by an invisible cord that is unbreakable. I find such loyalty very endearing and I always find myself looking at him sleep and being so taken with that. A dog is such an innocent animal and so totally dependent on you. I always have to be steadfast and true to him, so as to not confuse him and to always make him feel secure and make his life predictable. Sometimes he gives me that look as if to say, "Is everything okay? Yes? Alright then!" Then he continues to do whatever he was doing. He assumes he is safe and safe he is, especially now that he is as good as deaf and doesn't see well. He gets treated with extra special care.

I have a good camera, but I sure do forget to use it a lot. I don't think I have even photographed my last two paintings. I must remember to do that and show those on my art blog. I always have my camera in my purse, but then forget all about it. I am not an opportunity photographer. I don't walk around the world seeing good shots. I would only do that if I had my camera in my hand and consciously thought about it. It is really a shame, because I'm probably missing all sorts of photo opportunities. Then again, maybe photography doesn't come to me naturally, or I would do it more instinctively. I think some people have a real gift for it and see the world the way you would see it through the lens of a camera constantly. Every once in a while I see a scene that I think would make a good photograph, but then I forget that I have my camera right in my purse and that I can take a photo right then and there. I suppose I haven't developed the freedom to do that and the instincts to go with it. I'm too inhibited. I guess if I have to make a resolution for the New Year, it is to use my camera more often, although I'm not a great believer in resolutions, because very often they are false promises you make to yourself. It is my intention to use my camera more often, let's put it that way. If I actually do it is something we will have to wait and see about.

It's the same way with doing art. I haven't done any at home for quite awhile. Now, I know why this is. I'm missing some essential ingredients to make the things I want to make, but still, that's only partly an excuse. I can't seem to get into art making at home the way I do at therapy. Of course, I don't have the right place to do it, except for the dining table where I always have to clean everything up immediately or else the cats will walk all over it. I have to get a table and a good lamp to put in my bedroom and get the other ingredients that I need to be able to make the art I want to create. If I was really interested, I would be getting this done, but it is like so many other things. I postpone it indefinitely, as if it is going to happen by itself some day magically, forgetting that I have to be the moving force behind it. I think I'm waiting for that spark of inspiration and interest to hit me. The one that will set me on fire a little bit. The one that makes me manic, without actually becoming fully manic.

So, you see I'm not living up to my potential in many ways and that is because of my very low energy level. Because I spend more time sitting and getting nothing much accomplished than I do moving about and being engaged in something. I have a big mental block that I can't get past. It's like a huge boulder on the road and I can't get around it, so I idle my time away in front of it. Every day I tell myself that this is the day that it's going to be different, and every day is a repeat of the day before and I achieve hardly anything. A depressed mind is a terrible thing to carry around with you. It is heavy and burdensome and nothing but a frustrating load to bear.

But now I must be cheerful, because it's still early in the morning and nothing can touch me yet. I can make myself another cup of coffee and wile away my time a little bit longer. Of course. I have to remember that it's Sunday and a day of rest and that not much bad can happen to you on a Sunday. It's everybody's day off. Even the tax office, whose blue envelope I have lying unopened on the coffee table and which I will open today. A blue envelope is never any good. That's why it's colored blue, so you won't miss it in the mail and say you didn't get it. I'm not going to worry about it. Whatever bad news is in there, I will deal with. They are not the evil stepmother and I am not a helpless Snow White. There is no Prince Charming in this story.

It would be ever so nice if there were a Fairy Cleaning Crew that would come and Micro Clean the apartment. I have a feeling that if it were clean once and for all, I would be able to keep it clean, but maybe that is a delusion. It is nice to believe in fairy tales, though. Maybe I need some wicked step sisters to put to work while I go to the ball. Oh no, that would be too much work. I would have to get all jazzed up in my finest and wear high heels and a low cut dress. I don't think so in this weather. Not unless I got to wear a fake fur coat that was especially warm.

Well, I guess that's about it for me for this morning. I hope I've kept you pleasantly entertained. I've kept myself entertained, that's for sure. It made the time pass quickly and I still can do all sorts of things.

I hope you all have a good morning and the best of days, this Sunday before Christmas.

Ciao,
Nora

The almost laziest day of the week.

I can't say that it was the laziest day of the week, because tomorrow I may be even lazier than I was today, but the real laziest part was when I took an afternoon nap on the sofa and slept for two hours. This was after I cleaned up the kitchen and the dining table and ate lunch. I scrubbed the kitchen counter, which is made of stamped aluminum and always is dirtier than I can imagine why. I'd do anything for a tiled counter. Well no, not anything. I do draw the line at some things, but I would like a tiled counter very much.

I organized my felt tip markers by size and wrapped colored rubber bands around them. Then I got an artist portfolio out and put my painted drawings in it, along with my smaller collages that I made at some other time in my short artist life, and that I still like very much, and they will inspire me to make more, as soon as I get some ordinary sketch paper. I don't want to use the watercolor paper for them, as it is too precious. My second drawing is all done and it turned out well.

I'm sometimes to impatient to wait for the paint to dry, but the sun was shining through the windows and I laid the drawing in it so the wet paint could dry quickly. I finished it with the black felt tip marker and you will get to see it when I have my second canvas done and I will take photos of everything.

I also organized my brushes and am pleased that I have so many of them. I have skinny ones and thicker ones, so one for every job and I clean them very well when I am done with them. I think these are brushes that the Exfactor bought, because they are good quality, and I must have pinched them at some time and made them my own. They were in a kitchen cupboard and I had overlooked them until just very recently and didn't even know they were still there. Lucky me.

I have colored paper and some other white paper and maybe I will make a collage tonight. There is never that much on television and I can have it on as background noise. I don't need to see what is happening. I can imagine that. I haven't made a colored paper collage in a long time and all I need to do is find some glue, and I think I even have some of that, and a good stiff brush to apply it with. It's very important that I am inspired, so I hope one of the muses will be with me anyway.

Needless to say my arms and hands have splotches of paint on them and I haven't taken the time yet to wash them off. I will hop in the shower shortly and do that. At least you can tell which colors I've been using. The colors red and green dominate today. I must buy larger tubes of acrylic paints, because these little tubes will be gone in no time. I try to use them sparingly, but sometimes it is hard to judge how much I will use of a color and I squeeze out too much.

There's a good store close to where the Exfactor lives that sells all sorts of artist supplies cheaply and I will send him there with some money and have him pick up some things for me. It's a better store than the one close to me and has a better selection. I know I would go crazy in a store like that and I better not be set lose in it or I would spend the household budget, such as it is.

Next week, I will be doing creative therapy on Wednesdays as well and I'm looking forward to that very much, because I will be learning techniques that I don't know now. I want to absorb as much as I can in the time I have left and try out whatever I can. Which reminds me that I also have to buy an old fashioned pen and a pen holder to draw with and a pot of ink. I see I have to make a list of things I need.

Anyway, the therapist in the Wednesday class knows a lot of things that I want to know and I need to tap into her brain and get as many ideas out as possible. How to work with Arabian gum, for instance, and how to work with wet watercolor paper and colored ink.

I should have gone to the Art Academy. I would have been happy there. Maybe itś not too late and I can still go. Nah, it's a pipe dream. I'm doing well on my own and I will just keep going this way.

Now I'm off to take a shower and put on my pajamas. Then I'm making a collage. Wish me luck with it. I will need some. Like I said, it's been awhile since I made this kind.

Have a great evening.

Ciao,
Nora.

Friendly Goodbyes...

The "cleaning lady" and I had a very friendly parting of our ways this morning. She came at 11 am and I made her a cup of coffee and she looked around and was impressed and I told her how I cleaned house nowadays and she was impressed again and had me explain it in the smallest detail so she could use it for her other clients, and then we both came to the conclusion that I really didn't need her anymore and we were both relieved and happy about that.

I have to say that she was genuinely pleased for me and I do think that she thought that in some way she had made a contribution, and maybe she did in as far as she got me off my butt and cleaning house again. There was a challenge to me after all.

In the time that these people came to see me my mood changed from a downcast one to an upbeat one and I stopped taking the Temazepam during the day. I also stopped being so tired all the time and got much more energy and I stopped taking naps during the day. So it is a combination of factors that helped me on the right road again. Nobody gets to take the complete credit, except for the natural fluctuations that happen in my mood on the long term every season.

It is very dark in here. Black clouds have gathered and we are being pummeled by strong winds and rain. I was just out there going to the tobacconist for my weekly supply of tobacco and filter tubes and it was dry then and pleasant, but I saw the black clouds coming. I had already walked Jesker and made sure that no laundry was hanging out on the clothing line.

I'm now into multi tasking. My friend Lucien called me, and rather then sit there and waste the time chatting, I made the bed while I talked to her and gathered dishes and stacked them in the sink and filled it with hot soapy water. Then I took a wet cloth and wiped all the surfaces in the living room while I talked to her and emptied the old kibbles from the cat bowls and put in new ones and also put new kibbles in the dog's bowl. I couldn't wash the dishes, because for that I needed two hands and if I clench the phone between my ear and my shoulder, I very often get cut off, so I don't do that anymore. But I would if I could.

I was at the vet with Jesker and he gave me two tubes of antibiotic cream that I have to apply twice a day. I mentioned that Jesker was snorting and sneezing and the vet looked at his teeth immediately and saw that he had an infected canine, so we have an appointment on Friday afternoon when Jesker will be anesthetized and have his tooth looked at and maybe pulled out. I will pick up his drowsy body at 7 pm with my sister and her car and take him home where he can sleep the anesthetic off. The poor dog, it's always something and it will make him even more scared of the vet.

I'm not hypo manic anymore and haven't been since yesterday. I'm in a downward phase now and don't feel in the least enthusiastic, although I was earlier in the day. Somebody's come and popped my balloon. I can't blow it up anymore.

Hey, you get me in all my moods and right now I'm in a depressed one and I don't feel good. I think I'll go do a set of three of something to try and help me get out of it. It doesn't matter what it is,as long as it's useful. I know, I'll open the dreaded mail that's be waiting for me for two days.

Ciao...

Being assertive...

Well, up at 7 am, woken by the alarm clock out of a deep sleep, I sort of stumbled out of bed, knowing it was important to do so, but more than willing to sleep some more, but I made it to the kitchen to make a mug of strong coffee and set myself down on the sofa with Jesker between my knees and proceeded to pet him while I attempted to wake up.

Jesker was very demanding, wanting to be petted no matter what position he was in, standing up, sitting down, laying down and standing up again and no cat was allowed to come near. I guess he felt like we had to do a lot of bonding, but finally he'd had enough and went to sleep

I made myself a second mug of coffee and drew out the waking up process to the last minute and then got the show on the road in a hurry. Luckily, my hair is always in relatively good shape, so I don't have to mess with it much and I wear minimum make up and have it on in no time. I scrub my face first with pure olive soap and it makes my skin soft and don't apply anything to it in the summer time. No foundation, I mean, for the color. I just go rosy cheeked like apples.

I got to therapy with ten minutes to spare and then hardly anyone was there and I had time to drink a whole cup of coffee and smoke two cigarettes while we waited for the stragglers to get there, who came in at various intervals.

We had a heavy duty session and it seemed that everybody had something very important to discuss and get help with, including me, but everybody got input from the group and there was much concern and indignation and compassion and advice for everybody. Sometimes everyone of us takes on the role of therapist and gives advice, guided and led along the right path by the real therapist so we don't screw it up, but we do give our honest opinions.

When I said, "Is this it for me? Is this all I am going to be doing, making sure I stay in a stable middle of the road place without suffering from these terrible ups and downs?" The therapist said, "Oh no, that is just you applying your safety net, it is not who you are, it is going to allow you to be who you are, which is an intelligent, talented and creative woman." She said that everybody required structure and predictability to some extent to help them be who they could be and I had to work on that extra hard to make sure I always had it as a safety net.

So that made it a lot clearer to me and I know better what to do now, I understand it better now and see my abilities and under which conditions they will thrive and I am to an extent the mistress of that. I have to build in structure and predictability every day of my life.

This was my food for thought for today and tomorrow and the days after. I have to give it a place and apply it to my life. Learn to do that anyway. It's not a message I'm just going to brush aside or say that I understand it and then not give another thought to it.

Anyway, Jesker and Gandhi were in their usual spot behind the front door when I got home, and Jesker pushes Gandhi out of the way and tries to make sure that he gets all the attention, but Gandhi just slips around him and gets it anyway. I do have two hands, after all. Jesker is not that smart.

I had to send my registration to the Center for Work and Income, even though I don't have to apply for a job, I do need to be registered in order to receive my monthly allowance. It's very important that I do this every four months and I always have it written in my agenda with the paperwork by it. Jesker and I walked to the mailbox in the heat and made a circle back home again so he could sniff in some different spots for a change. This is always very exciting to him and he lifts his leg all over the place, marking his territory.

I was expecting the "cleaning person" and hadn't done a thing and didn't give a hoot. It wasn't his regular day to come and I thought it was too hot to do anything and I was not about to apologize for the way things looked. I figured he could come in for a cold drink and then leave again.

So, that is how I handled it. I told him what I did do, what I didn't do, how I didn't stick to the schedule and that I liked to figure it out on my own and offered him a cold glass of juice and then he left and next week the "cleaning woman" will be back from her vacation and we'll see what happens then. I couldn't care less. I just don't take it seriously anymore.

I just realized that I'm becoming uncomfortable revealing intimate bits of information about myself and that I want to censor what is written here and I am dubious as to what to do. I think I will let it stand for now, because I've written it down already, but I'm going to be more careful in the future. I think I will not be so specific from now on. Generalize things a little bit more.

Oh, something I don't need to generalize about is my weight, I weigh 92.4 kilos and that means I have lost 7.5 kilos or 16.5 lbs.. Yes, kudos, thank you! This is such a safe subject to talk about.

I'm going to watch the news and eat a tin of mackerel or a salami sandwich. I have to think about it. Choices!

I hope you all had a nice day and that you're not sweltering in the heat too much.

Ciao...

Hi People.

If you're looking for your award, you have to go down one post and you will find it there. If not, you're in the right place for some leisurely reading.

This afternoon, The Exfactor and I were supposed to move almost everything from my bedroom to the spare bedroom and move all the junk from there to my bedroom. In other words, we were going to exchange rooms, but he called me at 12:30 pm to tell me that his back was still bothering him and that he would be by instead tomorrow when I'm hardly going to be home.

So I said, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and promptly made a plan of action and went to work. First I moved my own furniture out of the way, to make room for the first of the boxes and other junk that was sitting in the middle of the spare room. Then I started hauling that over and stacking it in a rational way against a wall.

That cleared up all the floor space in the spare room and I saw that I would have to do an awful lot of vacuuming, because I could hardly see the carpet for the grit and dog and cat hair and other assorted little bits and pieces that were unidentifiable. It had also been the Exfactor's hobby room.

Then I started taking the boxes of assorted items out of their shelf systems and brought those to the bedroom, very carefully one by one, easy does it. Every time a shelf system was empty, I took it to the bedroom and stood it against the wall and filled it up again, trying to do this in the most logical way, with all the heavy stuff on the bottom.

I did this five times with little breaks and glasses of juice in between. Finally, I had the spare room almost empty, except for one shelf system for which I could not find room and that also has some of my things on it. I am going to look at those items in a while and give them a better place. There won't be much left on it after that and the Exfactor should be able to move it out tomorrow.

Then I had to get rid of all the cobwebs, which were numerous, and vacuum the carpet really well. I took my time doing that and I got it cleaned up very nicely. If you run fast, you don't notice anything. That's what my mother always said.

After that, I had to haul my bed in there and that was a lot of work, because I didn't have the right screwdriver to take it apart. I had to leave it in one piece, but did take the mattress and the mattress support out, which was very heavy. It took some shoving and pulling and pushing to get it through the doorways and around various corners, but I did get it in place and put back together.

The night stand and the chairs and the standing lamp were easy. The long white bookcase was already in place and just needed too be cleaned up and have items placed on it. I did that, but I still need to clean the radiators and wash the windows, but I had run out of steam and called it a day. I will do a few small things now that I'm rested up again, but the hard work I'll do later this week.

I'm mighty proud of myself and said as much to the Exfactor when he called. He was quite surprised that I had done the job all on my own. I tell you, I'm no wimpy woman, I have muscles in my arms. You could say that I take after my father and don't know the word 'can't.'

All this time, Gandhi was 'helping' me. She climbed on every box and shelf system and on top of the mattress that was leaning against the wall. She had a ball. She ran from one room to another and jumped straight into an empty trash bag that made a lot of noise and when the bed was made, she went to sleep on it for a nice little while.

Toby was outside all this time, but at one point he came in and started meowing very confusedly and walking around as if he had lost his way, so I had to reassure him that everything was okay. He's not as playful as Gandhi, being the male cat of the house and having to think about his dignity and all. I think he also gets scared quicker, but don't tell him I said that. He has a reputation to hold up.

The dog just laid on the floor at a close distance and slept and if he got in the way he moved two feet and went on sleeping. I moved his pillow and that was just fine with him, he didn't mind one bit and laid down on it when he felt like it no matter where it was. That dog is unflappable. Nothing upsets him, except for cats eyeballing his very good food. I had accidentally bought him chunky puppy food and he certainly liked that! Gandhi only got to lick his empty dish.

Now I'm off to do those few little chores. I don't have any sore muscles or a sore back, so I suppose I am okay. Tonight I get to sleep in my new bedroom, now no longer called the spare room or the hobby room or the junk room.

Have a good night, everyone. I hope your day was as enjoyable as mine.

Ciao...

P.S. It was 26 degrees Celsius today, tomorrow it will be 27. That's about 80 degrees Fahrenheit.

Awards.

Since I have been out of the running for a while when it comes to giving out and receiving awards, I don't know if it is a done thing at all anymore, but I am going to put my foot in it and hand out some awards to people whom I have recently discovered and who I think deserve a little token of appreciation.

I want to give the first award to Angelina Williamson of Dustpan Alley who does a great job getting people enthused about growing their own produce and preserving it also, but in a very excited and lyrical way, not so cut and dried as I put it here. I want to give her the following award:

Then there is a real personal favorite of mine, and it has nothing to do with the beautiful hand made cards that she sent me, of course not, and that is Diane of Pebbledash, who takes wonderful photographs of ordinary pretty things that nature has to offer right around her, and who is also very handy when it comes to arts and crafts. I want to give her this award, the now famous Mwah Award:


Feeling virtuous and good, I'll leave that part of the proceedings behind me and tell you that I've had a perfectly fine day. I did make a small error in judgment and thought I was awake at 3:30 AM, but I quickly found out that was not the case, as my head kept wanting to fall off my neck, and I went back to bed and slept until 9 AM and the Überhund slept even longer than that, proving my point that he can go for a long time without having to relieve himself, so the show he puts on in the morning is all shenanigans.

Then I proceeded to waste my first hours behind the computer instead of doing more useful things such as dishes and laundry and administration, but there was nobody looking over my shoulder and I thought I could very well get away with it and i did.

I was still waiting for the delivery person to come as I missed her on Saturday and on Monday, but she finally showed up at 2 PM and not only brought my green cardigan, but also my ankle boots that I had been waiting for for over a week. I tried them on first and they fit great and look great and I am a tough broad in them. I like being a tough broad. It's always been my ambition in life to be a tough broad and at times I have thought I was one, but mostly I was faking it, now I really am one and can fill these boots.

The green cardigan was a good choice and I have several outfits that go with it, so I am well pleased. I like it so much when I am put together well, but I especially like the boots as they do great things for my image, even though you can't appreciate their whole effect when they are hidden by my jeans. I have to make sure I sit down a lot and pull up my jeans a bit. If I cross my legs it works well. All I need now is a leather jacket and you now, that would keep me warm in winter too.

My nephew turned 14 today, so I went over there this afternoon wit the Überhund, who does not like to share me with so many people, but he has to learn. My nephew had gotten some super duper mobile phone for his birthday, the workings of which are a mistery to me, but I know it has a camera and a radio in it. I like my mobile phone uncomplicated, and oh, when mine rings, it sounds like angels singing in heaven, very ethereal. I like it when people ring me up on my mobile phone.

So, my nephew turned 14 and he is not a rotten teenager at all. He is a good kid. I would like to cuddle with him, but I don't think he would allow it, but he is very approachable other than that. He goes to the Atheneum, which is a high form of secondary school and he does his homework in the blink of an eye. Very smart, that kid is.

So, anyway, before I went over there, I didn't completely waste the afternoon. I got all my paperwork in order and filed and I had noticed how dirty the keyboard of the computer had become and gave that a good cleaning and it now looks brand new again. All sorts of things had been spilled on it by me, I can't blame anyone else.

I remembered to water the plants and the rubber plant is doing great, but I have my doubts about the heather that I have in the pots inside. I think they would rather be outside and they are taking on a petrified look. No doubt I'll be going to the plant store to get some plants that I can't kill to put there instead. Maybe something fake or something very hardy like 'mother in law's tongue'. I can't think of the English equivalent right now.

I find doing the dishes to be a very soothing job, because I don't have that many of them and there are no pots and pans. I wash and dry everything all at once and put it all away immediately. I've invested in some drinking glasses and now have enough kinds for when I have company and they are all nice and clean and neatly lined up in the cabinet.

But will I ever have company, that is the million dollar question. I sure don't seem to be in a hurry to make friends, am I? I sort of neglect that part of my life completely as if it is not important to me at all. I think I must plan a party and invite some people, I think that will be the best thing to do.

I am feeling like having something incredibly good to eat. I always get cravings at this time of the day and make a quick run to the super market to get something good. It's a bad habit that I have gotten into, but it is oh so pleasant when you want to indulge and the spirit is weak. I am not losing any weight as a result, but I am not gaining any either.

Right then, either way, I'll stop writng this self indulgent epistle and try to make a decision. It will be a toss up between good and evil. Between kind and unkind. Between indulgence and discipline.

Hav a great day, keep the boogey man away from you as far as possible. He comes in many guises.

Ciao...