Brewing coffee...

Tyke has managed to get my cigarettes and lighter from the third shelf of the bookcase in my bedroom and chew the lighter to pieces, leaving me with one lighter that doesn't work at all and one lighter that works badly. This is, to say the least, very frustrating and I have a sore thumb to prove it. Luckily, I have a stove lighter that barely works and that will do for now. After that, I don't know what I will do. I hope the supermarket will be open by that time. 

I had the windows open during the night, but it was much too cold and I closed most of them and turned on the heater when I got up. Now I'm sitting here nice and warm in my bathrobe drinking my first cup of coffee. I think I will be okay in a little while. There is hope for recovery yet. Coffee does wonders, after all, and this is only my first cup. Imagine what the second cup will do. I should stop yawning soon. 

I got into my cold bed last night and slowly heated up a spot for myself. I listened to the results of the football games as I did. Little by little I got warmer and sleepier, until I drifted off to sleep. Falling asleep is always the easiest thing to do. Staying asleep is the toughest thing. 

It's quite a nice thing to heat up a spot for myself in the cold bed. I think about getting an electric blanket, but I think I would miss the ritual of warming up the bed with my body. The initial coldness makes you appreciate the warmth afterwards all the more, especially when you get your arms under the duvet and the duvet up to your chin.

So, I've got to go to the supermarket first thing this morning and then do some chores. The Exfactor can't come and do any groceries today. I will have to get what I need myself. This is quite nerve wrecking to me, but it must be done. If I go at 8 o'clock, there will hardly be anyone there and I will have the store to myself. Those are the most user friendly circumstances. I dislike riding my bike over there and having to get the groceries on it. I do wish I had a car. It would make everything so much simpler. I feel so vulnerable on my bike. It gives me a panic attack. 

I think I will do my chores as soon as I've finished drinking my coffee. There's no point in waiting until the last minute. It will feel good to get them out of the way. I still have to hang up all that laundry and I have to clean up the kitchen. It will give me some sense that things are under control and that's a better base to start the rest of the day from. 

I've just taken my medicines and I've taken two tranquilizers in the hope that it will calm me down enough to be able to take care of things in a peaceful way. It will be wonderful to not have this feeling of extreme anxiety.

Wish me luck and have a very good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Today...

I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon. Every time I see him, he teaches me something about myself in a parable. He tells it in such a way, that it is completely understandable to me and that makes it really sink in and leaves me wiser when I walk out the door. He is like a wise guru and I am his student and every time I see him, I have to learn a lesson.

It was very fortunate that I had an appointment with him today, because today of all days I needed it very much. I started off my day with a huge panic attack that would not end and I thought it was going to drive me around the bend and I feared for my sanity.

The reason for my panic attack was that I had received two big bills from two different companies that I was in dispute over and I had to make some phone calls about them and I knew I was not going to be treated nicely and that I was not going to have the winning hand, and the more I thought about it, the more precarious my situation seemed to me.

I tried to call my SPN, but could not get a hold of her, and as a matter of fact, she did not call me back until just now, when the whole thing is behind me. I took an extra tranquilizer on top of the ones I normally take, but nothing seemed to be able to calm me down, until I finally sought my refuge in self damage and that worked, and after I had taken care of the wound and dressed it, I was able to make the phone calls with no good results for me. All I got was a stay of execution to try and get the money together.

They are playing an unfair game and I am the victim of it, but they've got me by the balls and are threatening with fines and collection agencies, and I can't prove my right, no matter what I say.

Anyway. What I had was a nervous breakdown and at one point I was crying and the dog was so confused and didn't know what to do. It was all just awful, but now it is all behind me and I have done what I could and I got to discuss my reaction and my behavior with my psychiatrist.

I don't know where I was on the crazy scale. I think way off the top, probably.

I'm not happy discussing this with you, but I feel it must be said. The fact is, I'm just an unhappy camper right now and I guess that's not so strange after today. I have to live with the results of it.

It is so hot in here and I finally got smart enough to open both the kitchen window and the back door and now I've got a decent draft going that's very refreshing. I've got the blinds closed of the living room windows, so the sun won't shine in them so much. It does make me feel cooped up, but it's worth it.

Jesker is eating his evening meal after barking very loudly to let us all know that it was time for it and nobody better touch it. Now he is doing his after dinner exercises, which means rolling on the ground and rubbing his nose on the area carpet. Gandhi is very disappointed, because there were no leftovers. She is laying on the ground like the Queen of Sheba, being very regal and aloof and oh, so untouchable. She knows she's very pretty. Toby is outside in the flowerbed under the winter blooming jasmine. He's decided that's his place to observe things and be king of the mountain off.

I'm the Queen of the dramas and the ever changing moods. Don't throw anything complicated my way, please. I'll make a bet with you that I can't handle it gracefully, though I am supposed to learn. See what a difference there is between me yesterday and today. Tomorrow morning I'm seeing my SPN and I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about. The bandage is very hot around my arm and the wound hurts, I think I'll take some paracetamol.

That's all I have to share with you today. A lot of confusion. It's tough being a grown up. I think sometimes I'm not quite ready for it.

Ciao...