Before I go...

Well, I am showered and made up and dressed and my hair is fashioned into some sort of style with wax and hairspray, it's always tough when it is newly washed. I am wearing my jewelry and I an suitably matched. My summer dress shrank a little in the laundry, but that's okay, because so did I and it all evens out again, but it is something to remember for the other summer dresses. I don't really want them to shrink, so I'll hand wash them and only toss them in the spin cycle. I am wearing my heavier cardigan and I had forgotten how nice it is. I've got one button done up and the sleeves pushed up, so you can see my bracelets. Vanity, my friend, that's what it is all about.

I do have an awfully sore back and had to take the medication that the doctor gave me. I had a bit of a hard time getting my leggings on. I am waiting for the pills to start working now and it will be a real relief when they do. In the meantime, I have to remember to lean back in the chair and to not lean over to the left side, which happens so automatically. Before you know it, I'm a crooked S again.

The reason I'm writing this is to pass the time and to prevent myself from wanting to go to bed. The little amount of sleep I have had for the past 48 hours is starting to break me up and I am getting awfully tired now. I am not sleepy, but my body is dragging itself through the early morning. My mind is still wide awake and wants to go do things, it's just my body that's not cooperating.

I am going to creative therapy because I want to be there, I have had a chance to think about it and I would like to keep the original classes that I started of with. Those were: creative therapy on Monday and Friday morning and ergo therapy on Wednesday morning. I think things went horribly wrong when we were expected to do 6 half days of therapy, which I first reduced to 5 and then to 4 half days. I am going to ask if I can have the original 3 half days back and I know I need the ergo therapy, because there is so much I have left to work on. I think I will do well with the original 3 half days of therapy.

I will hopefully discuss that today with the head therapist.

Jesker and I went for our walk, It was nice and cool out, but t looks like the sun is going to shine today, The trash men had finally remembered to empty the green bin. It's a little one, so it can easily be overlooked, but still.

Jesker is hardly ever interested in any of the dogs that we meet on our walks because he knows them all and he ignores them. He does hate one big overgrown monster of a pit bull and I hope the owner never loses control of him. Jesker barks at him fiercely. He doesn't realize how dangerous that dog is.

Well, I must stop now. I have to make cigarettes before I go and drink one cup of coffee.

Have a good day!

Ciao...

For the hell of it...

I am sitting here in my leggings and my tank top, the clothes that I slept in, and I have opened the back door, so Jesker can go out as it pleases him. He has been out there twice, but I don't know what he's done there. He is sleeping under the desk now and I don't know if he is expecting a walk. Sooner or later, I will have to get dressed, but I hope it is later, because I feel so lazy and not at all in the mood to do the responsible things I ought to be doing. That's because it is Saturday and it feels like a day off, almost as if it is Sunday.

I woke up this morning this morning with a terrible pain in my arm and my hand and had to move them in a certain position to get rid of it. I think I pinch some nerves during the night, as I very often sleep on my right side.It's no fun, anyway, and I do not look forward to those first movements. I very painfully move my arm and hand downward and straight and then all the feeling comes rushing back in and that hurts. During the day I have pain in my elbow and two fingers are a little numb. I'm just dragging this out for all the sympathy I can get, you see. It's no good suffering without an audience.

As usual, I'm completely unorganized today and am doing things at the wrong time of the day. I woke up at 11:30 am after going to bed early in the morning and then I didn't take my medicines until 1 pm, when I normally take my second dose. So I am behind myself. Now I'm sitting here writing this when I should be sweeping the floors, but I tell myself I like disorder, that I thrive on it and that it's the sign of a creative mind. God, I love the way I convinced myself of that just now.

I will always reign over a certain amount of chaos. It is in my nature to have it around me, because I don't care enough to clean it up when I should. I am not the creator of it, but I am also not the person who can be held responsible for setting it right. Except when my housewife hormones kick in and I suddenly think the vacuum cleaner is my very best appliance and I need to make love to it.

My plants are thriving, so that is a good sign and I've stopped drowning the ones with the cute little leaves, of which I don't remember the names. They are not losing their leaves anymore and have come back abundantly. I don't dare touch them, in case I do something wrong, but just water them sparingly once a week and that seems to do the trick. The fig plant is turning all of its leaves toward the sunlight that comes in through the window in the afternoon. It gulps water and can't get enough of it. I don't know what to think about the little hardy fern. It seems petrified, as if it is just sitting there doing nothing but looking somewhat green, but not producing any new leaves.I just let it sit there, unsure of what it needs. Sometimes it is all a mystery to me. It's a hit and run situation.

I've managed to make my tobacco last much longer than two weeks. Those are over now and I still have a whole pack left over that I haven't even started on yet, so I'm actually cheaper than I thought I was, which is a relief, because I thought I smoked a lot. I don't know how happy the tobacconist is going to be with that, after all he has to live on my bad habit, but I'll also buy some trash bags when I'm in there next and that ought to make him happy, and some stamps. I must not forget them.

I have not yet found a way to reduce my photos in size. I'll have to ask the Exfactor how he does it. I did open up the photo alteration program, but saw no way to reduce the photos in size. It has a program that is similar to Photoshop built in, so that is very handy. I have to figure out all the ins and outs of that one still.

It's very funny when you install a new browser on your computer. You become a little bit obsessed with all of its possibilities, but when you can't get something to work, no matter how insignificant, it will bother you to no end, and you will think about the solution forever. I can't get it to accept my wallpaper when it just should and I don't know why, so I have to solve that mystery.

Well, I suppose I'll put on some clothes and comb my hair. Maybe Jesker will want to go for a walk. It's a nice day out, not too hot, but pleasant.

I must sweep floors, if it's the last thing I do. These were my last famous words.

Ciao...

P.S. I just got it to accept my wallpaper. Yippee!

Being assertive...

Well, up at 7 am, woken by the alarm clock out of a deep sleep, I sort of stumbled out of bed, knowing it was important to do so, but more than willing to sleep some more, but I made it to the kitchen to make a mug of strong coffee and set myself down on the sofa with Jesker between my knees and proceeded to pet him while I attempted to wake up.

Jesker was very demanding, wanting to be petted no matter what position he was in, standing up, sitting down, laying down and standing up again and no cat was allowed to come near. I guess he felt like we had to do a lot of bonding, but finally he'd had enough and went to sleep

I made myself a second mug of coffee and drew out the waking up process to the last minute and then got the show on the road in a hurry. Luckily, my hair is always in relatively good shape, so I don't have to mess with it much and I wear minimum make up and have it on in no time. I scrub my face first with pure olive soap and it makes my skin soft and don't apply anything to it in the summer time. No foundation, I mean, for the color. I just go rosy cheeked like apples.

I got to therapy with ten minutes to spare and then hardly anyone was there and I had time to drink a whole cup of coffee and smoke two cigarettes while we waited for the stragglers to get there, who came in at various intervals.

We had a heavy duty session and it seemed that everybody had something very important to discuss and get help with, including me, but everybody got input from the group and there was much concern and indignation and compassion and advice for everybody. Sometimes everyone of us takes on the role of therapist and gives advice, guided and led along the right path by the real therapist so we don't screw it up, but we do give our honest opinions.

When I said, "Is this it for me? Is this all I am going to be doing, making sure I stay in a stable middle of the road place without suffering from these terrible ups and downs?" The therapist said, "Oh no, that is just you applying your safety net, it is not who you are, it is going to allow you to be who you are, which is an intelligent, talented and creative woman." She said that everybody required structure and predictability to some extent to help them be who they could be and I had to work on that extra hard to make sure I always had it as a safety net.

So that made it a lot clearer to me and I know better what to do now, I understand it better now and see my abilities and under which conditions they will thrive and I am to an extent the mistress of that. I have to build in structure and predictability every day of my life.

This was my food for thought for today and tomorrow and the days after. I have to give it a place and apply it to my life. Learn to do that anyway. It's not a message I'm just going to brush aside or say that I understand it and then not give another thought to it.

Anyway, Jesker and Gandhi were in their usual spot behind the front door when I got home, and Jesker pushes Gandhi out of the way and tries to make sure that he gets all the attention, but Gandhi just slips around him and gets it anyway. I do have two hands, after all. Jesker is not that smart.

I had to send my registration to the Center for Work and Income, even though I don't have to apply for a job, I do need to be registered in order to receive my monthly allowance. It's very important that I do this every four months and I always have it written in my agenda with the paperwork by it. Jesker and I walked to the mailbox in the heat and made a circle back home again so he could sniff in some different spots for a change. This is always very exciting to him and he lifts his leg all over the place, marking his territory.

I was expecting the "cleaning person" and hadn't done a thing and didn't give a hoot. It wasn't his regular day to come and I thought it was too hot to do anything and I was not about to apologize for the way things looked. I figured he could come in for a cold drink and then leave again.

So, that is how I handled it. I told him what I did do, what I didn't do, how I didn't stick to the schedule and that I liked to figure it out on my own and offered him a cold glass of juice and then he left and next week the "cleaning woman" will be back from her vacation and we'll see what happens then. I couldn't care less. I just don't take it seriously anymore.

I just realized that I'm becoming uncomfortable revealing intimate bits of information about myself and that I want to censor what is written here and I am dubious as to what to do. I think I will let it stand for now, because I've written it down already, but I'm going to be more careful in the future. I think I will not be so specific from now on. Generalize things a little bit more.

Oh, something I don't need to generalize about is my weight, I weigh 92.4 kilos and that means I have lost 7.5 kilos or 16.5 lbs.. Yes, kudos, thank you! This is such a safe subject to talk about.

I'm going to watch the news and eat a tin of mackerel or a salami sandwich. I have to think about it. Choices!

I hope you all had a nice day and that you're not sweltering in the heat too much.

Ciao...

Comments.

Judging by some of the comments on the post with my pictures of the neighborhood, you had maybe expected something more quaint and rural, a pastoral scene, maybe. You all forgot that I live in a little suburb of a University town and that most of the neighborhood is newly built. What you see are streets cobbled with real stones and sidewalks laid with individual cement tiles. I was rather proud of the fact that I could show you as much greenery as I did in such a short distance. That's rather luxurious for a new neighborhood.

The pond, yes. I do on occasion go to the pond where there are ducks and a single heron. I promise to take that walk soon and show you what that is all about, but it won't be at its prettiest now, of course. Maybe I'll do that this weekend, although it's supposed to rain on and off today and tomorrow. We'll see.

Poisonous Mushrooms

A bit of 'art' thrown in to see if you are paying attention and to check if I still have any skills left. I think I need some practicing. That's another good thing to do on a rainy day.

There has a new shopping center been built just around the corner from me with all the best discount stores in it. There's a household goods store and a drugstore and a supermarket and a cheap store for socks and underwear and pajamas and sheets, etc. There is going to be a clothing store there as well, but I don't know if they'll have the bigger sizes that I wear still. It will be worth checking out when they open, though. I will be one of their first customers, you can count on that. I am very happy with the drugstore, because it is one of the best and has the biggest assortment of items you may want. I have always wished for one to be close by here. It will save me the trip downtown.

Well, now I've got to go and do some useful stuff around here. Can't dawdle here all day long, much as I want to. I've still got to put my face on and my necklaces. I feel naked without them.

Ciao...

Full of Joy.

I just checked my banking account with a certain amount of trepidation in my heart and the tiniest amount of unwillingness to face the dire truth, but oh, my heart is full of joy, because the tax people have, without telling me, deposited 4 months worth of health subsidy in my account and now I am better off than I thought I was. Oh, hurray, I said a little 'thank you, Lord' when I saw that, and I'm not really religious. At least I am not when I am supposed to be normal. I forgot all about getting that money and it is going to make such a huge difference in how I get through the month.

Well, every cloud has a silver lining and I think my clouds usually have one. I must never complain too loudly, because so far, there has always been a solution, even when it has not been the most elegant one. I am still living, breathing, eating, sleeping under a roof and having normal days without fear of disaster. That's something anyway. There are a lot of people who don't have that.

This morning, after I had been up for a few hours, I decided I was still sleepy and went back to bed and fell sound asleep until the doorbell rang and the Überhund started to bark his head off. It was a delivery man with a package for me and I asked him, quite befuddled, why he was delivering packages on Sunday. He looked at me very surprised and told me that it was Tuesday today. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone and completely discombobulated.

Very quickly I went and made myself a strong cup of coffee and smoked a cigarette as deeply as I could and saw that it was time to take the Überhund for a walk, but I was walking around in my pajamas with a sweater on top and socks on and I had a wrinkle in my face from the pillow.

So, first I had to make the transformation into the hip chick that I am when I go outside and I tried to wash the wrinkle out of my face with cold water. I only half succeeded and applied make up and disarranged my hair until it looked floppy and tousled enough, and hair sprayed it, resulting in sneezes from the Überhund. He does insist on watching the process.

When I was dressed properly, I was also quite awake and, even though I really needed more coffee, I bravely stepped outside the door with the Überhund at my side, from which point he proceeded to try and drag me through the neighborhood to all the best places to look for scraps of food, because it had been trash day and he thinks there are edible items in every bush and under every leaf in every gutter. Try and pull 45 lbs of dog in the direction you want to go in.

I finally resorted to getting very angry and scolding him, which helped for the rest of the walk. It helped so well, that he got a reward as usual when we got home and he did ask for it very nicely.

I ordered a fluffy sheepskin with a rubberized backing for him to use in the living room and I think I will put it under the coffee table, because when he is not with me, he seems to like laying there the best. I hope he will like it, but it was not very expensive and I am sure the cats will like it a lot. There may even be arguments about it. I am sure that Gandhi will claim her corner of it and the Überhund will grudgingly allow it.

I am still very pleased with my hair and send admiring glances at myself whenever I pass a mirror. Oh yes, I think, there she is with that new hair color and that really cool hairdo. I think I really forget that I am 54 years old and that I am now having a revival of my youth and am indulging in it in a grand way. I am so happy that I don't have to dress my age and wear nylons and corsets, although a corset does do great things for your figure. It's just the constraint I would dislike. Like being harnessed in and not having any breathing space when bending over. It's no wonder there used to be so many swooning women.

Autumn is definitely upon us now, there is no denying the fact any longer. There is a chill in the air and a crispness that makes the leaves change color. Already some come tumbling down. It will be quite a spectacle as usual and it will be my first autumn as a single woman and I want to specifically be aware of that and really taste the season very consciously and let all the changes not go by unnoticed.

For some reason it is very significant to me. Maybe because in the past years I have gotten depressed around this time of year and I have made up my mind that I am specifically not going to have that happen now, but look forward to it with a new found curiosity. It will be a time to walk around downtown and sit on the café terraces and watch the people go by and take pictures with my new camera in the chill of the afternoon sun.

You see how I have this all planned and I can actually envision myself doing this in my mind. I do need to pump up my bicycle tires before I go and do that. Remember the last time I tried that? Lesson well learned. Those cobblestones downtown are hard on your tires and push out the air with every bump.

Well, now it's time too have something to eat, because it is that time of day and it is inevitable that I eat, it is a stumbling block in the proceedings, that hunger feeling. I would rather not have it at all, but I suppose I would forget to eat all together and become a little skeleton woman. Ha, that will be the day!

Have a super one, everybody. I think it's raining in Greece.

Ciao...