Keeping up the patter...

Today felt like a weekend day because that's how relaxed it was. I must be getting really good at enjoying the weekdays when I have no commitments. When there's nothing on the agenda but ordinary chores, I don't feel any sort of pressure at all and I'm the most relaxed person on the block. 

I hardly know what happened to the day, it sort of slipped through my fingers without me noticing it too much. Before I knew it, it was over and I didn't really have much to show for it. I was left with a pleasant enough feeling and I don't feel like I've wasted my time. Any day I end feeling satisfied can't be a wasted day.

That doesn't mean that I don't want any commitments because I do. I do want more activities to fill my days and I am in the process of arranging that now. My days are too empty and do have trouble filling them. I have too much spare time on my hands. I need to be more busy and be exposed to other people. I'm fully aware of that.

With the dose of optimism that I have now, I have no doubt that a lot of things are going to change over the year. I've had a good attitude change to start the year of with and I hope I can hang on to it. I try to reinforce it every day and learn something new as I go along. You're never too old to learn new lessons. I've had some real eye openers lately and even had one today that was a real Eureka moment. 

Sometimes it seems that I go through rapid learning cycles and I process a lot of new information in a relatively short amount of time. It's when my mind seems to be able to make and see connections that it didn't before and come to all sorts of logical conclusions. It's possible that I have an alertness then that's maybe not present at other times. I guess the trick is to be alert more often. 

I suppose I need to create those conditions in which I am most alert and sharp minded. One of those ways is to be exposed to other people and other ideas. I do need to be stimulated in my thought processes and to be challenged out of my comfort zone. I may be too complacent where I am and learn nothing new. Being in a different environment can be enough of a stimulus to get my interest going. 

That doesn't mean that I have to indiscriminately accept every idea I'm exposed to. I do have to pick and choose what I find acceptable. Sorting through all the incoming information will be enough of a lesson on its own.

This was my little share of wisdom for tonight. 

Ciao

Nora

Last but not least...

I'm so fully awake that I could do a number of jobs right now and It's a shame that it's the middle of the night and that I'm restricted by the darkness. Well, I'm restricted by other factors as well, but that's a result of my life's conditions and not so much because of unwillingness on my part. 

I have a great big adventurous streak and it tends to come to the surface when I'm up like this and if I had the money and the wherewithal, I would give it free reign. Give me some hard cash and a couple of credit cards and I would be on my way. I'd have an overnight bag packed in no time. Wow, a person can dream, can't she? 

I just need to be independently wealthy, that's all. Or have the pocket money of an oil sheik.

I better get my feet back on the ground lest my fantasy carries me away completely because that's so easily done. Before you know it I'm in Paris sitting in a sidewalk cafe watching Parisians walk by with baguettes in their arms. And I do have to go back to the Louvre and explore it more extensively. 

Most museums have websites where you can see their whole collections quite well. They are usually laid out very well and easy to navigate around in. It almost makes you feel like you're there for a real visit. You do get a very good idea of what's there and where to find it. It suffices when you can't go there yourself.

For now I'm just sitting here with my inevitable cup of coffee and my cigarettes getting a little chilled because I don't have my bathrobe on yet. I didn't do that purposely because I was so hot and bothered when I got up out of bed. I think I shouldn't sleep in pajamas at all, but modesty dictates it even though there are only the animals here.

I think I'm going to buy a nightgown next when I'm in the mood to shop. It will be a nightie like an oversized T-shirt. Maybe that won't be as warm to wear. 

It's an overcast night and it's slightly drizzling outside, but you can't hear the rain fall. It's no good opening the bedroom window to try and listen to it. I won't hear a thing. I will open the window anyway because it's not cold outside and it will be nice to let the fresh night air in. It does get stuffy inside otherwise. As long as the dog does not shiver, it will be alright. He's my temperature gage.

Since today is Saturday, it's a 'Day of for Dummies.' That's what I've decided to call this day. You don't need a lot of brainpower to get through it.  You can pretty much arrange the day as you see fit and let it happen almost by accident. At least, it's that way in my case because I have no major commitments. It's a much easier day than Sundays, when I really try to make something of it. 

It's with much happiness that I can tell you that the speed skating season has started and yesterday we had the first races of the Dutch championships. There will be more on today, so I will not be bored in the least. I do love speed skating and I especially like watching the men's races. I love how strong and fast they are and how graceful. I am a living and breathing female after all. I do love the well developed male shape.

It's time I go back to bed. I've got to do a little bit more sleeping instead of going off on an adventure. The morning will start soon enough. 

I hope you'll all have a great weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora

Definitely early in the morning...

I've had my coffee, so I'm more than alert enough and quite capable of writing a post. That is, providing I can think of enough interesting things to write about. It is always a bit of a problem so early in the morning when nothing much has taken place yet. I have to rely on my imagination and my memory of the day before, but with the caffeine in me that shouldn't really be all that difficult. It does jar my braincells into action. I haven't had a cup of coffee yet that doesn't have that effect. I've had two of them and that ought to do the job.

I was sitting here in my pajamas, but now that I'm drinking a glass of ice cold milk, I've had to put on my bathrobe. It really should have been washed in the last load of laundry, but I was loathe to miss it for any length of time. It smells a bit stale and musky and I'm going to have to wash it anyway. There's no way around it. I'll have to wear my gray woolen cardigan if I get cold while I wait for my bathrobe to dry. That's not too bad either and it will keep me almost as warm. 

Last night I failed to finish watching an episode of 'Lewis.' It was interesting, but halfway through I started yawning. I thought about staying up and finishing watching it, but I started longing for my bed. In the end. I put my pajamas on and took my sleeping pill and was sound asleep in the shortest amount of time. I think I put my head down on the pillow and was instantly asleep. 

I'll have to get off the sleeping pill. I'm going to have to slowly cut down. It's not that it really helps me sleep anyway. I do enough of that without it. I'll have to discuss this with my psychiatrist and do it under his guidance. It will be good to get off it because I don't know how much it influences my state of mind. It's supposed to be a pretty powerful pill and it's best to do without it. I don't want to take anything that alters my state of mind like that. That is a barbiturate. I should be able to do this, just like I did with the tranquilizers. 

I don't have anything special on the program today. I can actually be as lazy as I want to be, but I'm not really in the mood for that. I'm going to have to try and think of some things to do, besides sleep late when I go back to bed. Thursday is always my day off and I usually don't have anything planned on that day. I must try and get a busier schedule. I should find something to occupy myself with in the long term. I'll have to make a commitment to something.

I've got to take my medicines and go back to bed. I'm not nearly done sleeping. Another possibility is that I'll sit in my armchair and drink tea and read for a while. I will have to find another book because I'm so not taken with the one I'm reading. It's turning into a chore to. That can't be the purpose of a relaxing activity. I'll have to look on the bookcase and see what books are left unread. I'm sure there are many to choose from. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

How to get through a minimalistic day.

I didn't go to either appointment I had today. I didn't show up for one and canceled the other. I had excuses, but I think I was just trying to get out of them. I was asleep for one and it was raining for the other, but in reality I was glad that I didn't have to go. I'm not in the mood for human contact and only want to walk the dog and hang out on the sofa to watch the news and other drivel. I hardly want to walk the dog, but I have to. I feel like hibernating and hanging out in my bathrobe.

Nevertheless, I got dressed and fixed up. And I smell good. My Chloe Eau de Toilette got here yesterday.

I don't know why I'm in the mood I'm in except that I seem to not want to make any commitments. I'm trying to get out of things. I want to only stay home and have to do the laundry and the dishes. I don't want anyone to have any requirements of me. I'm scared to death that I will be expected to do something that I will not be able to live up to. More than anything I want my freedom and my very safe life.

I smoke cigarettes and drink coffee and milk and juice. I hang out on the sofa. I watch Tyke and Gandhi play together. I sit and think and I basically feel like I'm escaping some terrible fate. I'm delaying a terrible outcome. I'm going to have to make a commitment to creative classes and I don't want to really do it at all. It's the last thing in the world I want to do. You may as well ask me to make a trip across the North Pole. It would be more adventurous and less confrontational. I feel so much resistance that I think I'm going to give up on the idea all together and bow out as gracefully as I can.

I've gone through a headache and a stomachache since I wrote that and now I'm still anxious 45 minutes later. At least I know my complaints are psychosomatic. I didn't know that in the past and thought I was always getting sick. I'm cured very easily now because it's all nerves and as soon as I realize that things get better.

I'm not a very brave woman and choose the known over the unknown, even if it is less interesting and especially if it is less challenging.

I'm going to hang out on the sofa and pet Tyke.

Ciao,
Nora

Don't spare the wounded.

I've just gotten up for the second time today. I was up earlier this morning and had coffee and answered my emails, but I was way too tired still and went back to bed and had a few more hours of sleep. Now I'm having my second attempt at being awake and hopefully I'll make it this time.

My relationship, if you could even give it that name, with J. has come to an end. I wrote him an email in which I asked for some more things than I was getting now. A date on which I knew he would be by again, longer weekends than just the 24 hours that he came by for, some sort of steady schedule, expressions of love, shared vacations (he was planning his vacation while he was here last), and other tokens of dedication. I got an email back from him saying that he could not give me those things, that he did not want a more steady relationship with me and that he was already having his doubts about the fairness of this one.

I can only say that I feel a great deal of relief and liberation that I don't have to do this "relationship" anymore, because it felt like a lot of emotional work, and when you are in a dysfunctional situation, you start to behave dysfunctionally, which is something I was certainly doing. You try to make your behavior make sense, but somehow it is impossible, which is not that strange, considering that it doesn't make sense and that you should get yourself out of the situation. Thankfully, it didn't take me all that long to figure it out this time. I have stayed in dysfunctional situations longer in the past. Much longer.

I can't blame him for letting me get into the situation I found myself in. He thought he had made himself clear from the start, but I had read something more into it, being a female and having more needs. I thought I could handle what I assumed I was getting into, but my expectations were just a little bit higher than his and they became even higher over this past weekend when I actually fell in love momentarily, although I knew instinctively that I could not allow it. So, I can't say that I have been used, although I do feel that way. But that is because of my own gullibility. I have allowed myself to be used.

And really, he had the time to stay longer this weekend, but he did not, which got my hackles up just a bit, because he was so eager to go home, although he had the rest of the week off. But I was ever so nice and understanding and thought he needed the time on his own. If he was seriously into the "relationship" he would have stayed longer, of course, and we could have done some things "normal" couples do. I was obviously not a priority. You see, underneath it all there is some bitterness.

In the meantime, I've walked the dog and it was dry, although we are supposed to have rain showers today. It is 9C outside, so it isn't too cold at all. If it rains, I should go stand out in it and let it wash all over me and be cleansed by it. Although I doubt I'd have the nerve to stand out there naked as I should. Like a heathen being cleansed by the rain gods.

Well, I guess that's all I have to tell you for now. I've pretty much wasted the afternoon on this subject. Well, not quite, I have some time left to do other things. Like clean up the kitchen. Tomorrow I have to do the groceries on my bike, because my sister is in Italy. I'm so looking forward to that. Not! I also have to go to the post office. It will again be the withdrawal of me from society for a bit. The usual crawling into my hole. Playing peekaboo with the world.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora