Imagination...

Since I've quit smoking, I have the most incredible dreams. They could be whole epic movies in technicolor with special sound effects. They are so interesting. Even if I take just a nap, I dream. I can't describe them. They are too special and outer wordly for that. Believe me if I say that they make quite an impression. I would not have the words to do them justice. 

Today is day seven of my not smoking. I'm doing well. It's turning out not to be nearly the struggle that I thought it was going to be. That does not mean it is easy, of course. I do need a certain amount of willpower or in my case you should call it stubbornness. I'll be darned if I'm going to light up a cigarette. 

I can't anyway because I don't have any handy. I would have to go to my neighbor and beg for one and I'm not about to do that. Besides, if you smoke one cigarette, it would be like having to quit all over again. There's no such thing as an innocent cigarette.

For as much inmagination as I have during my sleep, that's how little I have while I'm awake. At least when it comes to writing a blog post. I've tried to write one several times over the last couple of days, but each one came to naught. I just did not have it in my to write an interesting one. I don't think that this one is going to be the exception. 

Maybe that also has to do with the fact that I've quit smoking. I know that I'm super critical of what I write and that I find it hard to set my imagination free. Apparently I have to be asleep before I can do that. 

The dog wants to go for a walk and I will take him. It relieves me from having to think of another thing to write about. It's quite cold outside and I will have to dress warm. It's freezing.

Ciao,

Nora

A cup of coffee will help...

It's late in the evening and I've already been asleep. Unfortunately, I was not as lucky as I was Monday night when I went to bed early and stayed asleep all night long. I slept for almost twelve hours then. It was unheard of.

No, tonight I woke up again, but I was sitting here bleary eyed, almost unable to do anything, and I was thinking about going back to bed. Then I realized that I had not had any coffee yet and quickly made some and now I'm having a cup of it. Rather rapidly I'm coming to my senses as the caffeine kicks in. I'm almost coherent now. 

I must have had a shortage in my brain to think I could have sat here without a cup of coffee. I know I can't function without having had the caffeine. I don't know what I was thinking. A general lethargy had a hold of me and it felt as if my body was pulled down extra hard by gravity. Beyond the normal pull that gravity has. 

I had that lethargy in my brain also. Thank goodness for bright ideas and the willpower to see them through. It did cost me some effort to open up the new package of coffee. As always it was vacuum packed and a pain in the neck to open. You're supposed to be able to do that without the aid of scissors and it's quite a trick. It's a matter of honor that I do. 

I don't know how I managed to sleep for almost twelve hours Monday night. I did get up twice. Once to go to the toilet and once to let the dog out back. Both times I was very sleepy headed and stumbled back into bed. I haven't slept like that since I was a teenager. I'm sorry I'm not repeating the exercise tonight. I did have great hopes, but I was foiled in my attempt. 

I alphabetized the bookcase. I thought I was doing a great job, but in the end I was left with about ten books that I had overlooked. I just stuck those in at the end. I can't be perfect and I'll know where they are. I took my time doing that while the domestic help cleaned the apartment. I wanted to make myself useful while she was here. 

I may not be reading much, but at least my books are organized. While I was doing this, I ran into all sorts of books I have not read yet and they did make me curious. I'm going to wait until I get my varifocal glasses and see if they make any difference in my reading ability. I may also dislike reading because I have crappy reading glasses. We'll see. These don't correct for my astigmatism and that may make a difference. 

The weather was dreary today. It was drizzling and chilly. It was not the kind of day to be cheerful about. I suppose you could say that it was a real autumn day in the worst sense. Today it's going to be a lot better and we'll even have some sunshine. I don't mind the cold as long as the sun is shining. I have grown quite attached to sunshine this fall. I've really learned to appreciate it after all the rain we had. 

The dog is trying to convince me that he needs to go out again. He knows just the kind of facial expression to make with that plea. I'm ignoring him for now. I'll wait and see how badly he really needs to go. Sometimes it's just an excuse to go out back and sniff all over the place because the cat has gone out there. 

I've got to think about going back to bed, but of course I'm wide awake now. I will start drinking cold milk and see if it will alter my brainwaves into a different pattern. A more 'go to sleep now' pattern. Sometimes it works. Milk seems to have that effect on me. It's nice if certain beverages alter your brain chemically. You don't have to rely on pills. 

Have a good night all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

In the black blue yonder...

It is in the wee hours of the morning again and I have been up for awhile. I'm drinking my second cup of coffee and am incredibly thirsty. I'm almost out of milk and will have to take powdered creamer in my coffee shortly, which is not a pleasure to me, but it is better than drinking it black. I have not had my coffee black in a very long time and I don't like it now. I'm also almost out of lemonade, so things are dire. I do have a bottle of lemon juice that I can make lemonade with if I add enough sugar and I will try that next. It will be a real thirst quencher if a make it not too sweet.

For some unfathomable reason I decided to stay up after I had gotten up to go to the toilet tonight. I didn't want to go back to sleep and decided that was boring. I decided I had better things to do with my time. Well, you can guess what those things were, right? Sitting behind the computer and wasting my time that way, because it's so nice to be up in the middle of the night. I'm so incredibly clear headed, after all. Actually, I'm over courageous and make bold statements in the emails I send out. I try to tell myself, though, that it's the real me speaking and that it's the real way I am. A tough broad with an attitude. One that can't be easily labeled and fit into a box. It's time to give that person some breathing space.

The early birds are singing in the hour before dawn. They are full of good hope like I am. They must know the secret to a happy life. I'm now going to see how long it actually takes for it to get light. I think it will be in another 20 minutes or so.

I have a great desire to hit the open road and to keep going through the endless countryside until I come to my destination, which I will recognize when I get there. That's what I used to do when I lived in California and had my car. I loved traveling and going to unknown places. Little towns on the coast with roadside restaurants and small supermarkets to buy supplies at and a motel to spend the night. A bottle of wine, a can of oysters and a box of crackers to have for the evening. A six pack of cokes to start the day with, my own company and a walk through town. Those were the days of freedom. I have fond memories of them.

They sure are in shrill contrast to the relatively sheltered life I live now. I couldn't be further removed from that person I was then to how I am now. I must try to regain some of that old spirit. I must get back to my liberated roots. My emancipated self who had set herself free, but who I subsequently grew fearful of. I thought she was a dangerous and unpredictable woman, when in fact she was wonderful, if not a little unguided. I have experience on my side now and could use her very much. Maybe we will be witness to a new liberation. Maybe I will set that woman free again. I must embrace her points of view and her attitude and not reject her stand in life. She had a valid vision that I must no longer reject. I must own up to it. The sooner we set that woman free, the better.

I realize that I have been rejecting a large part of me and keeping that part from existing by sheer willpower and force. It's been misguided shame and guilt that has kept me actively doing this from the middle class rules of morality that I find myself submerged in. They are not my rules and I reject them, but I've been trying to conform to them all this time, walking on a tightrope that had me constantly off balance in a very precarious situation. It's time I got over that good and well, and got back to my own set of rules. My own sense of morality. I'll decide how morally solid I am. I will use my own guidelines. I'll make up my own mind about it.

It's been dawn now for a little while. The first birds have stopped singing and I'm waiting for the second set to begin. It's very appropriate that it became dawn as I was writing this. My timing was accidentally excellent.

I've had the last of the lemonade and I think I will have the last of the milk too. I'm so thirsty. It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day. I have to go water the potted plants in my sister's garden. I will do that this morning when I walk Tyke. I won't wait too long to do that. It's nice and quiet outside now and it's light enough to go out. I will dress warmly, though, because it's been a cold night.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

2010 Finally!

I'm so glad it is the new year now and a new decade. I am a firm believer in new beginnings and this really feels like one. Basically, I'm an optimist and I assume the best will happen and that is how I look at this coming year. I assume that good things will happen in it and that whatever happens it will come to a good end, even if it has a less than good beginning. I am bound and determined to see the glass half full, if not completely full at times. I feel there will be no end to the possibilities that will come my way and I will meet every opportunity head on.

Oh, see how brave I sound! I must have something extra in my coffee this morning. I'm full of good intentions and I think that's half the work. I don't know if my willpower will be half as great, but I hope that my courage will not forsake me. I'm chicken little who cries that the sky will come falling down sometimes, but I'm also a brave trooper when it is necessary and I can move mountains if I have to. The cause has to be the right one, that's all.

I wasn't so brave last night when I sat here by myself waiting for it to be midnight. I felt kind of sorry for myself, because there would be nobody to kiss me at midnight when all the fireworks went off. I quickly got over that when I got involved watching a fun program on television and forgot about time passing and before I knew it, it was 12 o'clock and I wished myself a Happy New Year. Then all the fireworks went off and the cats went into hiding and I put on my pajamas and waited to go to bed when things had quieted down again. That took about 45 minutes and the cats reappeared and we all went to bed.

Now it literally is the morning of a brand new day and I'm full of good spirits. Not only is it a brand new day, it is a brand new year and that promises something. I'm very curious to see what will happen in it. I wonder if everybody is as full of good intentions as I am. I suppose people are, you can't help yourself, can you? It is kind of exciting to stand at the beginning of a new decade. People must have all sorts of resolutions, although I don't have any as such to keep myself bound to. I just have a general sort of attitude that I hope to carry far into the new year with me. It's better than having a birthday, because today everybody starts afresh. Today the whole world is one big tribe.

It literally is a load of my mind to start this new year. I feel like I've had a very good session of therapy. I was down in the dumps yesterday and felt unable to write a post. I slept a lot and was very tired all day. The events of the past days had really gotten to me and I felt worn out from them and slightly contaminated, as if I had been in contact with something toxic. I was not proud of my own role in them and as time wore on, I could better see what my own mistakes had been. I could more objectively look at the situation and realize that I had been looking for love in the wrong place. The fact that I allowed myself to look for it is an amazing thing to me, because I thought I had sworn it off and here it was clutching me in its claws again.

Even though I don't think of myself as an unattractive woman, I don't think of myself as someone somebody could fall in love with. I see too many flaws in myself to make that a possibility. I think I'm okay at arm's length, but not any closer than that. It was nice to contemplate the possibility that I was wrong and it awakened a little flame in me and made it grow bigger. Now, obviously, this was awakened by the wrong person, but that was just bad timing. The fact is, that suddenly I felt very female and attractive and I haven't felt that way in a long time. It was nice to have that feeling again, even though it turned out only to be an illusion. It has given me some hope for the future. Maybe some day I will feel this way again and it will be with the right person and it will not be an illusion.

Well, I have to get dressed and walk the dog. He is very impatient. It is -1C outside and cloudy and we are supposed to get some snow.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Ciao,
Nora