An Odd Day.

I had such an odd day yesterday. You'll remember that I had gotten up in the middle of the night. When I went to take my medicines in the morning, I realized that I had forgotten to take all of them the night before. That may have explained my nearly sleepless night. Then, when I went to take my anti psychotic medication, a new box, I realized it was different than what I had been taking before. It was from the same manufacturer, but it's name was different and it was different in appearance. I took it anyway, because I needed to, and assumed it was okay, because the dosage was the same. After that, I didn't give it another thought.

Sometime during the day, I started to get obsessive thoughts about random people in the street murdering each other with knives and me being witness to that. This changed into thoughts of people breaking into the apartment and wanting to murder me, causing me to hide and, when they could not find me, murdering the Überhund instead. My fantasy went so far that in my head, I was calling the police and describing the perpetrators to them.

You can imagine that these thoughts were very disturbing and I called my psychiatrist to ask him about the medication, which I thought was the cause of these obsessive thoughts. After trying for a few hours, I finally got a hold of him and he told me that I should have gotten the old medication, because that was prescribed to me and that apparently the pharmacy had made a mistake. But he also added, that although the medication that I had was more slowly absorbed in my body, in the end it should have the same effect as my old one.

So, I went to the pharmacy, where I found out that the reason they gave me the new medication was, because my health insurance would no longer pay for my old medication and that, if I still wanted it, it would cost me 250 Euros. Of course, I can't pay that, so I'll have to take the new medication and hope that if I take it at night before I go to bed, it will have enough time to get into my system properly. I think that and remembering to take all my medication and getting enough sleep should sort me out.

You see how everything is so carefully balanced and so dependent on each other. This morning I feel fine and I can think straight again and I don't have any obsessive thoughts.

Yesterday morning, I had my appointment about getting another activity added to my schedule and that went well. I had to talk to someone from a different program altogether, but she basically had the same sort of activities on offer, just for a different sort of clientèle. We quickly decided on a creative therapy class on Thursday mornings, as that was the best she could offer me and that was fine with me. I met the creative therapist who leads the class and he seems like a nice enough person and the group meets in the same space as my other class, so I can work on whatever project I have going. So, that worked out well.

I didn't get any housework done because of my state of mind and found it hard to concentrate on things, so I just sat around and drank mugs of decaf and smoked cigarettes until the Exfactor came by. Together, we tackled the cats and applied flea drops to them. Doing the job with two people meant it was done in no time, as the cats were unsuspecting and had no time to flee. Hardly any resistance was put up.

I didn't let the Exfactor know about my state of mind. I didn't want him to think that I was being creepy. Luckily, he didn't notice anything, because he thought he was coming down with the flu and was trying to find a replacement to work for him that night. As a result, he didn't stay long and soon enough I was on my own again.

I sent my SPN an email explaining my state of mind and the situation and I told her that I would call her today if there was no improvement. I didn't even feel like blogging and watched some inane TV program.

In the evening, I took the Überhund to the vet, who was not happy with his eyes yet and now has given me a different kind of ointment that I have to apply 6 times a day. The Überhund won't mind, because it will mean that 6 times a day he gets an extra snack. It's possible that his eyes won't get better and that this will be a chronic problem. The vet said that he had another dog with the same problem that he had sent to a specialist and the specialist had given up and sent the dog back to him. So, no specialist for us.

After we got home, I put my pajamas on and watched TV, except that I kept falling asleep and I only caught little glimpses of what I was trying to watch. It was all very noncoherent. I don't advise this sort of TV watching. I had been hoping for a good British thriller, but now I'm glad there was none on, because I would have missed most of it.

Looking back on this post, it seems a dry summing up of the facts without humor and emotion. I am sorry about that. I suppose I just want to convey how yesterday went and not get caught up in the feeling of it. As a result, I'm kind of dull. I will try to be more exciting in my next post.

Ciao...

If I don't...

If I don't write every day, I hardly recall what I have been up to and I have to scratch the inside of my brain to try and remember what I did the day before yesterday. I don't know if that is because my days all look alike or because my memory is bad. I will do my best anyway.

I guess in reality it doesn't matter that I went grocery shopping on Tuesday afternoon. What do you care anyway, right? Just me on my bike in the cold with my bags full of groceries trying to get home without causing an accident when turning left into my street between oncoming traffic. That's always real tricky. Sometimes I don't quite make it in the timing and almost topple over, or hit the sidewalk where I'm not supposed to get on it. That's real good for my tires.

Grocery shopping is always great, because sometimes I make a list that I can deviate from when I put a question mark beside an item. That is so much fun. That means instead of that item, I can look around on the shelves and see if I can find anything better. Something better tasting or better in quality or cheaper in price. The possibilities are almost endless. On Tuesday I found an instant porridge with fiber and fruit in it that was on sale. I tell you! Just what I desired. When you get to be my age, you need all the help you can get.

All kidding aside. It does satisfy me when I can get a lot of groceries for the least amount of money and really make them last. I am as cheap as they come. Still, I do have to think about my nutrition and I do read the labels. I look for vitamins and minerals and pay attention to how much fat and salt and sugar there is in something. The plainer the food, the better it is. Some things are naturally good for you, so I buy those.

I now have a sort of muesli that has 4 different kinds of grains in it and 2 sorts of porridges that each have different kinds of minerals and vitamins in them. I measure my health by the strength of my nails and my hair. If my nails grow well, I think I am doing okay. I chew vitamin C tablets as if they are candy. I just grab a small handful and eat those and I eat a lot of dairy products.

Yesterday was ergo therapy. Well, what can I say about that? It was hefty, because we talked about social contacts and how every psychiatric patient seems to have trouble with them. We all got quite excited about this subject, including me, and it was a very emotional half hour for me especially, because I know why I have such a hard time making friends and being comfortable around new people and strangers.

I am very insecure and constantly afraid of being rejected. To prevent this from happening, I don't let anyone get close and literally physically back off when confronted with other people. This fear of rejection runs deep and the origin of it goes back to my childhood, but was reinforced when I became a full time psychiatric patient and I was rejected by people whom I cared about very deeply. To this day, I protect myself from rejection, but the therapist said that I also reject myself and that is even worse. I believe that I am worth being rejected.

I talked about it with my SPN who I had an appointment with in the afternoon. There is so much emotion there and so much old pain. It seems that my whole life long I have fought a battle against the believe that I am worth being rejected and every time the evidence proves that it is true, except that this time I had embraced the idea that I was worthy of rejection and decided to accept it as a given. I was not willing to prove the opposite, because I no longer believed it.

Imagine that. I had accepted the fact that I was not worthy of being accepted by my fellow human beings, but most of all not by the people whom I love. That's how little I think of myself. That's how denigrating my opinion of myself is. I don't think I am worthy of being liked or loved and I suspect anyone who does.

It is probably the biggest thing I need to work on. It may take me quite a while to get this straightened out. I can't bullshit my way through this.

Anyway. Today is a whole brand new day and thank goodness for that. Thank goodness for brand new days that haven't been lived yet and in which you get a chance to shine.

I took the Überhund to the vet yesterday evening. His ointment was all used up, but his eyes weren't quite better yet, so the vet gave me a new tube of ointment and wants us to come back next week. The left eye is looking a lot better, but the right eye looks cloudy and red and it is possible that there is permanent damage. All we can do is wait and see. The poor Überhund is still scared to be there, but he is very good about being examined. Poor guy.

Oh yes, it snowed yesterday morning, big beautiful snowflakes and I rode my bike in it. The snowflakes stuck to my eyelashes and melted there. Luckily, I have waterproof mascara and it withstood the test. It was cold, but so very nice looking and everything was white until it melted in the afternoon sun. I am secretly happy that it doesn't get so cold anymore that the snow stays on the ground and the pond freezes over. I don't like for it to be quite that cold. Temperatures right around freezing are cold enough for me, but I am less bothered by the snow than I thought I would be and it is pretty.

Okay, it's time to hang up. I have to get going and not make this too long. I mustn't bore my readership. Have a great day, you all. I hope you get the kind of weather you wish for.

Ciao...

To the vet again...

The Überhund and I have been to the vet again. Luckily, the vet is right around the corner, so it is the same as taking him for a walk, so no extra effort for me. I huff and puff and get there in the end. Well, it isn't quite that bad.

We had to wait in the waiting room as there were three couples with cats ahead of us and the poor Überhund just wanted to run out the front door. He pulled at his leash and his whole body was shaking, so I kept him close to me and tried to settle him down as much as possible.

Luckily, some people came in with a Jack Russell and that provided some distraction for the Überhund and made the time go by quicker. He almost forgot to be scared and almost stopped shaking. When the vet came to get us, he very obediently followed me into the examining room, but once he was in there, he sat by the door and wanted to leave again as quickly as possible.

I had used up all the eye drops and his eyes were a little bit better, but the vet wasn't happy yet and now has put him on an ointment that I have to apply twice a day and then go see him again next week. You can see how the Überhund's eyes are still very red and inflamed, so they are definitely not better. Poor guy, I hope he is going to be okay in the end and that this is not going to be a chronic problem.

The thing I am happy about is that he doesn't seem to be in pain like he was before when he was constantly rubbing his eyes. He was very good for the vet, by the way, and allowed him to do everything that needed to get done. He's a good dog. He's a good vet.

While I am writing this, I am listening to dEUS, which is a Belgian band with out of this world music. I am listening to one of my play lists at Deezer, which I can heartily recommend going to. It's fun to look up artists and put together play lists that you can listen to any time you are in the mood. I sometimes forget to turn on the music and sit here in complete silence and then I wonder why I can't find any sort of rhythm in my typing. If I were young and was going to be a groupie, I would be one to dEUS. Either that one or Massive Attack.

Since I am not young and since grandmothers can't be groupies, I will just sit here and listen to their music instead and pretend I am young at heart and foot loose and fancy free.

I will tell you how sore I am today. I am so sore that I've not put on any make up. Can you believe that? I have an unmade up face, naked and all. No eyebrows and no eyelashes. That's how I've gone out into the world, even to that dishy vet. I just didn't give a hoot. I was too sore to care.

The Exfactor came and got the groceries for me, thank goodness. He can be such a help. It really would have been too much for me to do. He has promised to come back later in the week to see if I need anything else. He has also hooked up my new Digitenne for the TV, so now I have 27 Channels plus radio channels. I am sure I would have figured it out on my own, but he had done it himself for his own TV, so it was done in no time at all. It only needed two phone calls to the help desk for what turned out to be two silly little things.

My sweet dog is laying by my feet. If I make a wrong move, I'll run over him with my chair. I got the feeling that he was so proud of himself when we got home from the vet and I spoke to him in high praise. I gave him a treat and told him how well he had done and, of course, I'm convinced that he understands everything I say to him. I always think of him as a three year old child and treat him accordingly. He has some sense, but not always that much, but he means well.

For some reason, I always get the idea that the cats are much smarter, although they may in fact not be at all, but that may be because they seem more independent and seem to have made up their own minds about that. Like they are making the statement that they can manage just fine without me, thank you very much. They come and go as independent creatures who have an agenda that they live by that has nothing or little to do with me. They make up their own minds about their life style and it just happens to include me, because I am the food and drink provider. I know they like me and they let me know that about three times a day, but they don't wag their tail and bark when they see me and think I am the center of their universe. Therefor I think I am a cat, really, because that's how I behave. I would never make someone's loyal dog.

Concerning this poll I've put up, I know I've screwed it up by changing the name and the image, so please excuse me for doing that and vote again and let me know in no uncertain terms what you like. I'll not change anything again now, that was a mistake. Enjoy yourself on the other site with the changing names and images.

Well, that's it for tonight. I am a bit long winded. I don't want to stop writing, but I will.

I'll see you all tomorrow.

Ciao...