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It's April 1st, be careful, I may fool you.

I just had to drink a cup of coffee real fast, because one of the drawbacks of taking the anti-psychotics during the day is that they make me feel sleepy. That's nice if I want to take naps nonstop, but I don't want to do that, because it will mean that I won't sleep at night. Other than that they do what they're supposed to and make me not feel angry when I take the Welbutrin.

This morning I wouldn't have known, because I went back to bed at 7:30 and slept until 12:30. I was awakened by my mobile phone, the one that I do hear ring when I'm asleep. It was my sister who wanted to know if I was ready to go grocery shopping. Well no, I needed at least an hour to sit and have a cup or two of coffee and come to my senses. At least one hour, if not longer. It turned into an hour and a half. My sister is very cheerful from the moment she gets up until she goes to bed. She doesn't need an adjustment period. My older sister is like I am and needs to sit in silence for a while. We both need to get our doses of nicotine and caffeine in first. Self medicate.

It was busy at the store and we hardly found a space to park. We first had to dump our empty containers of plastic and glass at the recycle bins and then braved the store. A lot of people were already shopping for the Easter weekend. On Sunday and Monday the stores will be closed. I first got the things I wasn't supposed to forget and then got the things I always get. I also bought myself a pint of "real farmer's vanilla pudding." I had seen it advertised on TV and wanted to know if it was the real thing like I ate when I was a kid.

When we were done shopping, I bought 3 lighters at the customer service desk and my sister bought me 2 bunches of orange tulips, which was very sweet of her. I have them standing in a dark yellow vase on the dining table and Tyke has shown the necessary interest in them. I'll keep him far away from them, because they look very nice and I hope they last a while. I do love tulips, like a real Dutch woman.

I tried the farmer's vanilla pudding and it tasted exactly like it was supposed to and I wonder why none of the other puddings do anymore. It seems so simple to keep making them like they were always made. Now you have to pay an arm and a leg for a pint of it. Of course, I can only eat a little bit at the time, so I'll make it last, but still... I remember eating yogurt when I was a kid that your spoon would stand up straight in, that's how thick it was. We're getting ripped off left and right nowadays with these light products that we pay so much for. All the goodness is taken out of them.

Boy, that cup of coffee sure cleared my head. That's a good trick I have to remember. I was so sleepy that I was ready to lie down on the sofa, but I'm totally over it now, until I have to take the next pill, that is. That's one thing about me, though, I have to learn the same trick over and over again. It seems I never completely learn from experience. I'm the donkey that repeatedly stubs it's toe on the same rock time after time. I have the same "eureka!" moment once or twice a year, every year. I reinvent the wheel all the time... I guess I've made myself clear. I wish somebody would remind me of that. That's why I need a very attentive and loyal husband. Do you know of one?

I just took Tyke for a quick walk around the field, but the weather is miserable. We've had rain and hail storms and thunder and lightning and cold wind. It's no pleasure to be out there and it's not going to get any better for a while. It won't be a sunshiny Easter. When we got home, I turned the heater up again, so I won't sit here with cold hands and I'm going to put my warm cardigan on in a while.

I haven't been fooled by anyone today. I'm glad, because I always take it very personally. I'm not very good as the butt of a joke. I was one too often when I was a child, accompanied by belittling laughter. Never make fun of your child and belittle it.

That's all I have to say for now. I took my medicines 45 minutes ago. Not much is happening, or I'm not noticing it. I'm going to eat some farmer's pudding.

Ciao,
Nora

Not moving yet.

I find myself delaying moving from this chair until the Exfactor gets here. There's an unwillingness to get myself involved in my daily activities and I want to ignore all of them and pretend they don't exist. Just for now I can't handle facing them on my own and I need another body here to help soften the blow. I know what is ahead of me and I don't want to face it. Instead I sit here and find excuses not to move my butt and to smoke another cigarette and to have another cup of coffee. I know I can't endlessly delay the inevitable and I'm just buying myself time now, but it feels like a stay of execution and every minute counts as one more lived through without terror.

I didn't take my antipsychotic pill this morning and I don't feel bad for not having taken it. I don't miss not having taken it. I plan on taking 2 tonight instead of the 3 I take during the day. That will mean that I'm back to my original dose and my original schedule. They make you sleepy, so it's good to take them at night. The amount of anxiety I feel now is the same I've been feeling for these past few days and it is about the same things. Taking care of things that I'm afraid to face. That I think will overwhelm me and that I'm not capable of taking care of properly. I don't have enough faith in myself.

It is hard to live with the fact that I scare so easily. That I'm afraid to open an envelope of which I can anticipate the contents. I scare myself half to death with the very idea of what's inside it and am unwilling to open it to see the truth. Behind every formal piece of paper I see unkind bureaucrats who don't give a hoot about me and my fears and who only want me to produce the proper papers and answers to their questions or else... I feel the sword of Damocles hang over me.

So I postpone and buy myself time until the moment arrives that I can deal with it and right now I've decided that it is when the Exfactor is here so I won't be alone when I read what's expected of me. Being cowardly is a very tough thing to be, because it makes you dependent on other people and their kindness towards you. They can decide not to show up and not to be kind and helpful and you just have to hope for the best. You carefully balance all your well laid plans and schemes to get yourself through the coming days. There's always a tomorrow, but sometimes tomorrow is too late.

I wish I had courage and I do at times have great courage, but it seems to desert me now. I'm completely intimidated by my life. Or some of the aspects of it. The interference of it from the outside and the expectations of it from other people. But also the basic things such as taking care of details properly. Doing groceries should not be that hard, but to me it's like being asked to move a mountain. Getting dressed propperly should not be that difficult, but I find it a chore and one that I put off until there is no other choice. It confuses me to no end. Choosing what to wear is hard.

I want you to know that as I'm writing this, I'm completely in my right mind. I'm not panicking or running amok. I'm just clearly stating the facts. As a matter of fact, I'm very calm, but worn out from worrying. I just called the Exfactor to make sure he's going to be here and he is, so that's a relief. He said for me to start making a shopping list. I'm glad he's such a dependable person. I need about three of him in my life. I should have three husbands all living in their own houses, but all performing some task in my life, the least of which would be to provide me with love.

I'm going to clean up the kitchen now. It is a bit of a debacle, if a kitchen can be called that. It's for me to wonder how it gets that way. Mysteries to be solved, like the bathroom that is always in a state of disaster. Too many clothes and too many boots. Not enough organization.

Ciao,
Nora

Finally, the weekend.

The Exfactor came over yesterday afternoon to check on me and we had several cups of coffee and a decent conversation during which he talked about his new home and I talked about the SPN's concerns. Listening to him talking about his new home got me excited, because I had seen photographs of it and when he said that he still had to do a lot of unpacking, I immediately offered my services and, after some hesitation, he accepted them.

We took the train to Sittard and from there I took the bus to Born, while the Exfactor rode his bike there. He did some grocery shopping and we met each other almost right at the bus stop where I got off.

Born is a nice little town and the way to the cloisters is real pretty. It goes by the church and the cloisters is right behind it. Nuns used to live there, but it was closed when the last nuns were to old to live there any longer. It actually looks like a big villa and has a double garage with electric doors.

Inside there were many boxes to unpack, but luckily there was much built in storage and with a little bit of imagination, things were put away quickly. We paused for a glass of white wine every now and then and a cigarette, which I am sure the little nuns would have frowned upon. We were done in a few hours time and things looked much improved and almost cozy. The Exfactor just needs to hang some good posters on the walls and buy some lamps and it will look great.

The Exfactor has several browsers on his computer, like Linux and Dreamworks and everywhere his wallpaper is a picture of the Paramount. I think, "You left me for her?" It is inconceivable, but it is very obvious that he is very much in love, because what the heart is full of, the mouth flows over from.

I took the train back to Maastricht in the dark, which was very cozy and reminded me of the fact that I always like traveling in the evening, because of the solitary lights you see in the landscape until you get to a populated area. The #4 bus took me home, where the Überhund was waiting impatiently for me. We had a good old cuddle and I was glad to be in my own apartment again, surrounded by my own things, although I had taken an icon from the cloisters that was hanging next to a picture of Bambi. I have a perfect place to hang it up. It isn't a valuable one, don't worry.

So, that was my little impromptu adventure for that day and I must say that it was fun, because I do like creating order out of chaos and now I have a good idea of where the Exfactor lives. It's a very large place and you could roller skate in it.

I slept on the sofa as usual and had the most interesting dreams, which are too complicated to narrate here, but that do symbolize all sorts of things for me. Mostly how some men suffer under the wrath of a bossy and manipulative woman, and let it happen to them, and if they are set free, how they can achieve all sorts of marvelous things on their own. I think my first reference in this is my own father, who achieved a lot, but only under the very restrictive domination of my mother and I wonder what he could have achieved on his own. He might have been like Vincent van Gogh.

Anyway, today is Saturday and a very fine day to clean the apartment. I hope I can keep my mind on the tasks and just do them. Vacuum cleaning isn't that difficult, neither is scrubbing the toilet. You don't need a degree in civil engineering to do them, although I wouldn't mind the pay.

I am going to act as if this is just an ordinary day for me and not pay attention to the oddness of my frame of mind and hope it clears itself up. We'll see. The extra Risperdal may help.

Off I go to take my medicines and give the Überhund his and then we'll go for our walk in the crispy cold Autumn air.

Ciao...