No fooling around now...

That pill that allows me to fall asleep only keeps me asleep for a few hours and then I'm wide awake again. It's not a real sleeping pill, which is good, because I've heard from people who take those that they are very groggy in the morning and that they suffer the consequences of them the next day. At least I don't have that. I am wide awake after it has worn off and any sleeping I do later, I do on my own. I may as well try and get off it and it is one of the things I will try to do soon. First I have to quit smoking.

The day went well yesterday. Everybody came and went and the Exfactor put the coffee table together without any trouble. It is very nice and solid. The area rug arrived while he was working on it, so we put it in place and then put the coffee table on top of it. The area rug is dark gray and the coffee table is black. It looks good and will look even better when the sofa is in place.

After the Exfactor left. I walked to the flower shop with Tyke and bought two large ivy plants in square, lime green pots. I put one on the coffee table along with a sculpture, so now Tyke can't jump on top of it. He's been foiled. He does like the rug very much and likes to lie down on it. It is soft and warm. I put the other ivy on the dining table, to pull the interior together. I do have to make sure that I always have a bouquet of flowers, because it cheers the place up so very much. I have to make a point of that.

I'm not hypomanic anymore. I came down to earth yesterday afternoon and now I am completely calm and sober minded. I hadn't realized that I was hypomanic until I stopped being it and then it became clear to me. I suspected it last week, but thought I was over it. It's a relief not to be it anymore, because I was outshouting myself. Making too much noise, having too many stars in my eyes. Now I'm down to a manageable level and I'm going at an easier pace. It's a more realistic state of mind to quit smoking in.

I like being this calm me. I am almost sedate. At least I'm more introspective and I like that. I'm not on the run for anything. The hypomanic me got a lot of things done, the calm me gets to enjoy them. I can be more objective like this and think about things in a more rational way, without high running emotions. I also feel that I can rest and be quiet and that everything will happen in its own good time. The last thing I want to do now is turn on the light therapy lamp. That will turn me back up.

My sister is giving a house warming party tonight and she has invited lots of people. If only half of them show up, it will be a full house. She'll have food and drinks and good company. I will make it a point not to drink too much wine. I do have to ride my bike home.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

Also known as...

It's April 1st, be careful, I may fool you.

I just had to drink a cup of coffee real fast, because one of the drawbacks of taking the anti-psychotics during the day is that they make me feel sleepy. That's nice if I want to take naps nonstop, but I don't want to do that, because it will mean that I won't sleep at night. Other than that they do what they're supposed to and make me not feel angry when I take the Welbutrin.

This morning I wouldn't have known, because I went back to bed at 7:30 and slept until 12:30. I was awakened by my mobile phone, the one that I do hear ring when I'm asleep. It was my sister who wanted to know if I was ready to go grocery shopping. Well no, I needed at least an hour to sit and have a cup or two of coffee and come to my senses. At least one hour, if not longer. It turned into an hour and a half. My sister is very cheerful from the moment she gets up until she goes to bed. She doesn't need an adjustment period. My older sister is like I am and needs to sit in silence for a while. We both need to get our doses of nicotine and caffeine in first. Self medicate.

It was busy at the store and we hardly found a space to park. We first had to dump our empty containers of plastic and glass at the recycle bins and then braved the store. A lot of people were already shopping for the Easter weekend. On Sunday and Monday the stores will be closed. I first got the things I wasn't supposed to forget and then got the things I always get. I also bought myself a pint of "real farmer's vanilla pudding." I had seen it advertised on TV and wanted to know if it was the real thing like I ate when I was a kid.

When we were done shopping, I bought 3 lighters at the customer service desk and my sister bought me 2 bunches of orange tulips, which was very sweet of her. I have them standing in a dark yellow vase on the dining table and Tyke has shown the necessary interest in them. I'll keep him far away from them, because they look very nice and I hope they last a while. I do love tulips, like a real Dutch woman.

I tried the farmer's vanilla pudding and it tasted exactly like it was supposed to and I wonder why none of the other puddings do anymore. It seems so simple to keep making them like they were always made. Now you have to pay an arm and a leg for a pint of it. Of course, I can only eat a little bit at the time, so I'll make it last, but still... I remember eating yogurt when I was a kid that your spoon would stand up straight in, that's how thick it was. We're getting ripped off left and right nowadays with these light products that we pay so much for. All the goodness is taken out of them.

Boy, that cup of coffee sure cleared my head. That's a good trick I have to remember. I was so sleepy that I was ready to lie down on the sofa, but I'm totally over it now, until I have to take the next pill, that is. That's one thing about me, though, I have to learn the same trick over and over again. It seems I never completely learn from experience. I'm the donkey that repeatedly stubs it's toe on the same rock time after time. I have the same "eureka!" moment once or twice a year, every year. I reinvent the wheel all the time... I guess I've made myself clear. I wish somebody would remind me of that. That's why I need a very attentive and loyal husband. Do you know of one?

I just took Tyke for a quick walk around the field, but the weather is miserable. We've had rain and hail storms and thunder and lightning and cold wind. It's no pleasure to be out there and it's not going to get any better for a while. It won't be a sunshiny Easter. When we got home, I turned the heater up again, so I won't sit here with cold hands and I'm going to put my warm cardigan on in a while.

I haven't been fooled by anyone today. I'm glad, because I always take it very personally. I'm not very good as the butt of a joke. I was one too often when I was a child, accompanied by belittling laughter. Never make fun of your child and belittle it.

That's all I have to say for now. I took my medicines 45 minutes ago. Not much is happening, or I'm not noticing it. I'm going to eat some farmer's pudding.

Ciao,
Nora

Getting Better...

I still have a head cold and I am somewhat congested in my chest, but I really think I'm getting better. At least I don't feel like a wrung out dishrag and my body doesn't ache all over the place anymore. I think the worst of the flu is over now and that I'm mending, and I tell you, that's not a day too soon, because yesterday I became pretty disgusted with it. I saw all the things I had to do and felt my inability to do them and was very frustrated.

I also felt bad about not being able to take Tyke for a walk and now I think that is one of the first things I will do this morning. I will not go for a real long walk, but long enough for both of us to get some exercise and fresh air, which we both need, because we've both got cabin fever. It will be wonderful to be outside in the cool morning air and to stretch my legs and get some exercise after being immobile for the last few days. I think yesterday afternoon was the turning point and I started getting better from that moment on.

Now I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk after I've had my obligatory cup of coffee. I've been drinking a lot of cold milk lately, because the fruit juice made my stomach sour. The cold milk quenched my eternal thirst really well and I drank it greedily. I know it's not supposed to be the thing to drink when you have a cold because of the mucous build up, but it doesn't seem to hurt me and it sure has quenched my thirst these past days. I've never been so thirsty and the fruit juice upset my stomach.

I have drank very little coffee, just a cup now and then, and I haven't missed it very much. I certainly did not go through withdrawal symptoms. I thought about drinking tea, but for some reason tea doesn't seem to settle in my stomach well and I don't know if that is because I take sugar in it. I have to try it without the sugar sometime.

While I was asleep, Tyke completely tore apart the hyacinths that my sister had bought me and broke one of the pots. The soil was spread all over the place and I had to sweep it up in the middle of the night. I have to replant them later this morning and find a new pot for one of them and then place them on the windowsill in the kitchen where he can't get to them. He had no sense that he had done anything wrong when I scolded him, so that was an exercise in futility. He was very curious when I cleaned everything up.

The hyacinths themselves are okay. He didn't bite them to pieces. I suppose this is what life is like with a pubertal dog. There will be another year of this before he has completely outgrown this kind of behavior. I have to have an awful lot of wits and patience in the meantime. A dog like that dares you to love him in spite of everything. And you do.

In comparison, it's so much easier to have cats, although they have a tendency to shred your furniture, but they usually stick to one piece. They do it no matter how many scratching posts you have. They are very good at ignoring those, even if they are quite appealing. I'm afraid to get a new sofa, or I should say, the sofa of my choice, because of what Gandhi will do to it. I think I will not get a new sofa until I have no more cats. That should be in another 6 years or so. I hope my sofa lasts that long.

Having been sick, and nearly being over it, sure makes me appreciate my health very much. I can't wait to start doing some ordinary things like hanging up the laundry to dry. That was still impossible yesterday, but I think I can manage it today. I won't be able to hang it outside, because we're expecting rain, even though the temperature is going to be nice at 9C. That would be warm enough to dry the laundry.

We're expecting rain for the next few days and it really doesn't bother me that much, as long as it's not cold and it doesn't turn into snow. There's no chance of that, however. I think we've left all of that behind us. I keep focusing on the idea that we're moving towards spring now and that nothing can stop that movement. It's the law of nature.

Tyke is very innocently sleeping by my feet. You'd think he'd never done a bad thing in his life, that he was the best puppy ever, that's how adorable he looks, all rolled up in a ball. Puppies look adorable so we forgive them their evil deeds. It works the same way with little kids. We love our children in spite of the fact that they drive us nuts, because they are so adorable. We don't understand that other people think our children are spoiled brats. Luckily, they get over this stage and turn into normal children.

Okay. I'm going to do some useful things now. I think I'll sweep the junk room and find a bag to put the cat litter bag in to. More and more cat litter is spilling out. I hope I'm not being overly optimistic as to my capacity to do things. I do so want to get the show on the road. And you know what they say: where there's a will, there's a way!

Ciao,
Nora

The flu, part two.

I just woke up from a long afternoon nap on the sofa and it seems to have done me some good, except that I've woken up with a very sore throat, but I can live with that. I do feel like eating a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and I don't have any of that handy, so that is kind of sad. I'm drinking a cup of coffee now and will have a cold glass of milk next. I just didn't want to neglect my caffeine intake. I'm still plugged up and it feels like there's an elephant sitting on my chest and I generally feel like a wet dishrag, but I do feel a bit better. I think that nap was good for me and helped me feel better.

I'm afraid that Tyke is becoming awfully bored with me, because except for cuddling and petting him, I'm not much fun to him right now. I don't do anything interesting, because I just don't have the power to. It wears me out to do anything exhausting. He has his toys and Gandhi and they do play together and this morning they were galloping through the apartment like half broke horses. I was afraid of the furniture getting smashed. This was after I caught him chewing on the remote control of the TV, which now only partially works. Oh well... Every once in a while he drags one of my shoes out and I've been able to catch him on time every time. So there are no casualties there yet.

The weather was great today, but, of course, I didn't get to enjoy it. It was 10 degrees Celsius outside and that's practically springtime weather. I did stand by the back door on occasion when I let Tyke out back and felt how nice it was. I do dare think that winter is over now and that we are on our way to spring.

In the meantime, I keep watching the Olympics and have the TV tuned to it almost non stop. I watch whatever they show, even ice hockey. In a half delirium I watch Canada play Russia and I can't keep track of where the puck is, because it moves so quickly across the ice. What I really like to watch is the new sport called Ski Cross. That's so much fun. I could watch that for hours. I do fall asleep while watching the TV and wake up at odd hours, but it doesn't matter if it's night or day, I just sleep whenever, though I do sleep more at night, I think. It must be habit.

While all of this is going on, our government has fallen and we will have new elections on June the 9th. We're all very curious to see which parties are now going to gain the most followers and the most votes. The city council elections are in March and will be a good reflection of the political climate. Of course, political campaigning is going on like crazy. It started the minute the government fell. Everybody climbed on their platform and soapbox quickly. I've never heard such a bunch of nonsense being propagated. Where in the world do they get their screwed up ideas? They must be desperate to talk in sound bites to get on TV and not think about what they're saying. There are many loads of bullshit heard, mostly pronounced by semi-muscular he-man lilliputians. I am glad, though, that I get to vote for the party of my choice twice. Voting is such a privilege.

The Exfactor is coming here tomorrow to get some groceries for me and to walk Tyke and to help me clean up the apartment a bit. Well, help me? I won't do much. My sister is so sweet. She came by with two potted hyacinths today because I am sick. I've set them on the windowsill and will watch them grow and bloom.

Have a great evening! I've got to watch the Olympics.

Ciao,
Nora

Languidly sitting in my chair.

I've got some sleeping left to do, but I'll do that later when I'm more in the mood for it. I woke up a while ago in my tiny bed, sleeping next to a certain person, and it was very warm and comfortable, but a little cramped. So I got up, ready to continue sleeping on the sofa, but I got waylaid by the computer and the Senseo machine and I thought I would just sit down in the quiet of the early morning and try to write a post, but I've got a problem.

How do you tell what an absolutely splendid and lovely time you're having without giving the other person's secrets away? Just speak for myself?

I'm having an absolutely splendid and lovely time and it is ever so much better and lovelier than the first time and so very much more intimate and affectionate. Speaking for myself, I can say this is love in all the best senses of the word. And I'm not worried, because I'm not hopelessly in love like a foolish teenager, but I love deeply like a grown up woman with all the knowledge I have of the object of my love to go with it. All the years that I've known him enter into it to make it a complete picture. And that's what makes it so enjoyable and satisfying. I feel there are no enigmas, no puzzles to solve. What I see, is what I get and it's familiar.

He brought me a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses and After Eight chocolate mints, which are my favorites and which I have been eating all night and this morning. I think they're all gone now. I happen to be very fond of yellow roses, so he guessed that right, but then he always brings me flowers and they are always pretty. You see, I'm not the least bit prejudiced concerning his tastes. I think they are fine. I even like the way he dresses and his aftershave and his body lotion. No, I'm not the least bit prejudiced.

Right, I'm supposed to talk about other things too now. I'll tell you that it's 3C outside and cloudy and that it's going to be cloudy all day, but we're not expecting any rain, according to my weather forecast on the computer. I have to go to the tobacco shop today and to the post office, I think that will be a good outing for Joost and me. We can walk there and get some fresh air. Last night, when we walked the dog, it was drizzling and there was a cold wind blowing and it was just miserable to be outside. I had half planned to take the bus downtown, but it really was not the night for it. Even with the overhead heating it would have been no fun to sit on a café terrace. We need a better night for that. So, we'll save that for the next time.

It's fun to make plans for what we will do the next time, beside the obvious things. It will be nice when the weather gets better and we can be outside more. That's another good reason to look forward to springtime, which I'm already doing now that we have the winter solstice behind us and it has been the shortest day already. It can only move upward from here. Of course, we have those dark and cold January and February months to get through, but they will go by in a snap and once those are behind us, the rest will be easy. I'm totally discounting March and April here, you see, as I think they are just preludes and parts of springtime. Always try to see the glass half full.

At least it's nice and warm in here. I've got my feet by the radiator and they are toasty warm. The dog is lying next to me, because that is where he belongs. That's what he thinks, anyway, and I agree with him.

We had Dutch pancakes for dinner last night. They are like crepes, only I had not made them myself this time. I promised to do so the next time and to make them with buttermilk, because those are the best. I was able to eat one pancake myself, which surprised me and it was very good, not as good as when I make them, but good enough. I have to find some real maple syrup, because the pancake syrup that they have here is too sweet to my liking. There's nothing like real maple syrup, after all.

My hair is very fashionably sticking up straight in all directions. Luckily, it looks like it's supposed to be that way. A little bit of wax will tame it and get it to go in the right direction. The right side sticks up funnier than the left, that's the side I sleep on, the right side, I mean. Sometimes you see people walk around with that "just slept on look" when they haven't quite combed their hair good enough and it has taken on the shape of their pillow. You can tell if they sleep on their back or on their side. They look good from the front, but when you walk around them, it's another matter. I'm sure I look this way myself sometimes. Yes, I notice things like that, don't you?

I feel like a well loved woman and I like the feeling very much. It makes me feel mellow and warm and very pleasant. I can recommend it to anybody. Let yourself be cuddled and treated well, it opens you up and makes you feel like a whole new woman. It ought to be a special treat for everybody, to be loved by their best friend. There's no better person in the world for it. I hope you're either married to that person, or that you have somebody in your life like it. But then again, maybe I am very lucky and this is a unique situation. Maybe it's because of who he is that it's possible. I'm sure that's a very large part of it.

Well, I could go on and on with all sorts of sentimental drivel, but I'm sure you're not waiting for that. I just took my medicines and I'll check my emails and read some blogs, which I think I'm a little behind in. I'll probably have to go back to sleep for a while. It doesn't matter. The day is my oyster. I'll take it as it comes.

Ciao,
Nora

A heck of a Friday.

I've decided that I don't like sculpting with clay anymore. I was working on a piece and I was very unhappy with it and said so to the therapist, so she said, "No problem," and took it and the rest of the clay and dropped and pounded it into a solid block again, so that I could start something new.

That was great, but the problem is that I am not the least bit inspired and don't feel the least bit gifted and think that I will never make anything resembling a halfway decent sculpture again.

I tried to copy something and it left me extremely frustrated and I wanted to walk away from it and go home, and then I tried to use my own imagination and make something of my own and it is not working out at all and I want to take the whole thing and drop and pound it back into a solid block of clay and never look at it again as long as I live. And that's what I think I will do next week and just turn my back on it. I'm sick of it, I tell you.

So, except for the coffee break and the time before we started to work, when I sat and chatted with the other people in the happy April sun, the whole morning was a complete waste of time. I felt like a klutz with two left hands and not an ounce of talent in her body, who was manhandling the clay into abnormally shaped proportions that made no sense whatsoever and had no redeeming qualities. A kindergärtner could have done better.

So, the next time it is back to the collages and hopefully I still have the talent and inspiration to make those, though I think I have run out of creativity. It's disappeared out of me as if I am a bucket with a leak in the bottom and the bucket has run dry. I don't know if the old tricks will work anymore, but I'll give it a try. Maybe it is time to find something new, but what in the world that should be, I have no idea.

Oh yes, an altered book, I can try that. That is something I have been interested in trying for some time, though I don't know if I know enough about it to do it successfully. I may give that a try, though my resources are limited. I'll give it a good thought this week and investigate it a little bit. Lisa Sarsfield knows much about them.

After such a lousy morning, I was more than ready for my afternoon and after I walked the Überhund and fed him his Butcher's, I walked to the bus stop and caught the bus downtown. The first thing I did, was exchange the leggings I bought last week that were much to big on me and I managed to find some in various colors in the right sizes.

Since the weather was so beautiful and since it was Good Friday and a holiday for many Europeans, downtown was extremely crowded and I had to shuffle along through the crowd of people, while I made my way to the Our Dear Lady Square. When I finally got there, I had to try and find Von in the throng of people and tables and chairs, but she found me and we managed to find two empty chairs at a table along the side of the square under the canopy in the shade, which was good because the sun was hot.

After I had my obligatory cappuccino, I had a Wyckse Witte, which is a pale beer served cold with a slice of lemon and mighty tasty. It was so good, that I had a second one, but I do have to emphasize that I make them last a long time, I don't guzzle them down.

We discussed men. Is there a better subject to discuss on a lazy Friday afternoon on a café terrace with a beer in your hands? I explained to Von the type of man I would fall for, so she could be on the look out for him. I don't think he exists in this town, because I've never seen him, so I am fairly safe. She won't suddenly show up with him in her wake.

When Von went to the restroom, there was a man who asked if he could sit beside me when there were other chairs free, so that was interesting. I had to tell him that the chair was taken. That was a close one.

We walked through town to where she had parked her bike and suddenly she popped into a flower shop and came out with a bunch of yellow tulips for me. I thought that was very sweet. I have them sitting in a tall orange vase on my desk, looking very festive.

I had forgotten my house keys and had to go to my sister's house to get the spare keys and by the time I got home, the Überhund was very happy to see me, but I was beat. I made myself a mocha Senseo and rested my feet that hurt from walking on the cobblestones. My little toe was very sore and needed tender loving care.

The Exfactor had been by and dropped off a measuring cup, which I had asked for, a pack of Senseo pads decaf and a box of cookies, some of which I shared with the dog. They were a quick pick me up which I badly needed.

After I recovered sufficiently, I took the Überhund for his walk and returned the spare keys to my sister and now I vow that I will not do another strenuous thing for the rest of the day. Except for clean up some cat barf that I discovered by the coffee table and that looks like it's going to be tough to clean up. It's on the area rug and it looks orange.

The City Government had a great idea to make all the downtown street authentic and cobblestone them, but they are a pain to walk on and after a while your feet hurt, unless you wear hiking boots. Forget anything with a heel. They get stuck between the cracks. I wore my flat comfortable boots today, but still my feet hurt. Not such a good idea, huh?

I don't know how to grade this day, I give part of it a 5 and part of it a 7. It was a very mixed day and now I think I need some peace and quiet. Tomorrow I have to do some grocery shopping, not much, but enough to get me through the 2 days of Easter. By rights I should have some chocolate, but I may forgo that.

I had my camera with me, but forgot to take pictures and Eduard hasn't sent me any, so no pictures to day. I'm too lazy to go look through all the folders for some appropriate ones.

Have a great evening, we never did get the thunder showers that were promised.

Ciao...