How to survive...

I'm afraid I have to conclude that I'm depressed. It doesn't actually surprise me all that much after all that rapid cycling I have done lately. I've gone up and down too much for it to have left me unaffected. Now I'm caught on the way down and I'm not done going down even more. It's a miserable situation. 

Two hours ago I still had some hope, but I've since given up on that. I thought I saw a bright shiny light, but I don't see it anymore now. To me things seem pretty bleak. I wear my depression like a darkened cloak that makes me invisible to the world. I think I can do whatever I want and it will make no difference. 

I had not planned on feeling this way, but somehow I almost welcome it because it is at least a familiar mood and I know how to function under the circumstances. I know what to expect and I know what I will be doing about it. I know all the pitfalls and I know how to navigate them. It's like wearing old worn out shoes. They fit me to a T. 

I feel a certain amount of indifference toward the rest of the world now that I feel this way. I can't be bothered how the rest of mankind reacts to me. I don't care about that. I'll very selfishly be depressed and only care about my own comfort while I am. I can't worry about how other people feel about that. It's not up to me to be concerned about it.

It's much easier than I thought not to care and to focus on myself. It certainly simplifies things. There's something to be said for turning inward and finding your salvation there. It's almost like being a monk and rejecting all that's worldly. 

I won't have to chase happiness or artificially pretend to be joyful. It will be a relief to be released from those duties. I won't have to waste my energy on them. And I won't have to apologize for not being them. Depressed people are allowed not to be happy and joyful. They can be burdens if you constantly have to be them and you're not in the mood. 

I will now go about this business of being depressed and see what I make of it. 

Ciao,

Irene