Imagination...

I have to tell you that it's something I'm awfully short of right now despite the fact that I'm drinking coffee and am trying to perk up my mind. I'm working on my second cup but haven't reached that state of sharp wittedness yet that allows my imagination to run free. It's possible that I have too many cobwebs in my mind and that it's not going to happen today. I'm lacking that inner perkiness that would let it happen more naturally. 

All day long I have been in a minor mood. This despite the fact that today is a national holiday and a lot of people are out celebrating it. Maybe it is because I'm not that I am in a minor mood but there's no need to start analyzing that. I will leave that stone unturned. It's not necessary to do an archeological dig into my mind every time. Suffice it to say that I'm not in a celebratory mood.

Tomorrow normal life will start up again and we can all act like normal people again. The Belgians will have a holiday and populate downtown. But that will not be of concern to me. My life will return to its regular routine and that's all I care about. If I were part of a family unit, I might feel differently but since I am alone, I feel this way. The holidays are always harder to get through when you're not plural. 

I have to be honest with you and tell you that I've started smoking again. It proved to be too difficult to quit. I found it too hard to fill the empty hours without smoking cigarettes. It's how I get through the day and I have no other way to do it. I spend so much time in my own company and I alone am not enough. I could not stand to sit and do nothing. 

It is the only thing that gives me any kind of joy because I have no hobbies. That's the kind of dull person I've become. I'm not interested in anything but sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette contemplating my navel. I can spend a lot of time doing that. I lead a very uninteresting life and I'm aware of that. Smoking cigarettes is what keeps me sane. 

Yesterday I had to make an emergency trip to the convenience shop at the gas station and buy tobacco. It's with an enormous sense of relief that I did. I felt that it was the best solution. How I'm going to handle it financially I don't know yet but I'll find a way. I'll eat less if it comes to that. 

The dog is sitting very patiently by my side and I'm pretty sure he wants to go for his outing. It is that time of the day again. The sun was shining all day but now it's become overcast. The weather is returning back to normal too. It was too good to last. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Irene

Of course, of course...

I am sitting here with a strong cup of coffee. I need it because I am so sleepy. I want to take a nap at every opportunity. I think that is because I've quit smoking. It seems to me that I had this reaction before. Of course, I can't keep sleeping. I will have to get up now and then too. I hope this coffee gives me some perkiness. I only made one cup because I thought it would be enough but I may have to make more. 

Of course, taking naps is one way to get through the day if I can't smoke. It does occupy my time. I have to think of things to do to keep my mind off the cigarettes that I can't have. If I just sit in my armchair without anything to do it gets too difficult. I do need to be a bit diverted. This morning there were cultural programs on televsion that helped me keep my mind busy. Now I'm trying to do the same thing with the internet. 

I make it sound like I'm having a heck of a time not smoking but it really isn't that bad. It's all within the limits of my control. I'm not going crazy yet with withdrawal but I ám having an allergic reaction to the nicotine patches. Where they are and have been, I have perfect squares of bright red skin. That does make you think, doesn't it? 

Because it's the weekend, I don't have much on the program. On top of that it's a three day weekend because on Monday it is Queen's Day and that is a national holiday. Actually, I can be as lazy as I want to be and that's the nice part about it. I can take naps whenever I want. As long as I take care of the animals, I can have totally unstructured days and nights. I'm sure there's some advantage to that.

It's actually a warm day here today and it feels like it's 23 degrees Celcius outside. Isn't that unbelievable? I've got the kitchen window wide open so I can smell the fresh air. Unfortunately, there's hardly any wind so there's not much of a draft. Still, I mustn't complain. It was raining during the night and now it's dry, although the sun is not out completely. I hope the weather stays good like this for the whole three day weekend. The queen deserves good weather to celebrate her day in. 

The coffee has perked me up properly and I am functioning again. One cup turned out to be enough but it was a strong one. I think the dog wants to go for a walk so I better take him now. He acts like it's urgent. Of course, he always does. 

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Irene

That dog...

Just when I claimed that the dog never slept on his big pillow beside the bed, he has started sleeping on it and making a liar out of me. The very fact that I mentioned it must have been a trigger for him to start using it. That happens a lot when I mention some sort of behavior of his here on this blog. The minute I do he starts doing it in the exact opposite way I claimed he did. Maybe he secretly turns the computer on when I'm asleep and reads my blog.

That will make world news. It will teach me not to make generalized statements about the dog because they all will prove to be untrue.  When I mentioned the other day that he was completely house broken, he did a neat turd directly by the back door on the linoleum. When I say he's best friends with the cat, he starts bothering her something awful as if he doesn't like her at all. Anything I say about him, he'll prove differently. He's an ornery dog.

Other than that he thinks that every banana I eat is supposed to be shared with him and he looks very disappointed if he only gets one bite. He thinks I go to the toilet just to sit there and rub his belly because he always follows me into the bathroom. The first thing I do every morning is greet him as if he's the most important creature in the world (don't tell anyone but he is). He's an attachment of me just as well as my arm or leg is.

So much for that rotten dog.

I went to the hairdresser this morning and had the great pleasure of having my hair washed and cut. When my hair was washed, I also got a great head massage and I had been secretly hoping for one. I needed it because my muscles were very tight and they loosened up quite a bit.

I got a great haircut and it's very easy to manage. Everybody who works there knows how I want my hair cut and they all do a great job. I do have my personal preference but anyone can do it. It had been something like seven weeks since I had it cut so it was more than time for it to be done. I was amazed at how much hair came off.

I do see a very middle aged woman when I look in the mirror at the hairdresser. It's even worse when my hair is wet and it sticks up in all directions. It's best not to be too critical of yourself then. I purposely don't wear my glasses when I go. I don't have to see every detail.

I look alright once my hair is styled and in place. If I squint it's not too bad and if I run fast you hardly notice how old I really am.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Irene

Rain again...

Every evening it rains but luckily it does so after I have taken the dog for a walk. Well no, it was raining a bit when I took him this evening but we didn't get wet too badly. All it took was a bt of a rub with a towel to get us dry again. The dog does enjoy that. He comes running when he sees the towel and very willingly stands and gets rubbed dry all over. It's much easier now that his fur is cut so short. 

It's raining harder now and I think we got back inside just on time. It doesn't really rain during the day and I suppose the rain in the evening is good for nature and the farmers. I haven't heard anything about it on the news. There's usually some news about the water level in the rivers also but I haven't heard anything about that either. Maybe the snow in the Alps hasn't melted yet. 

I have had a quiet day in which I have done nothing but contemplate my navel a lot and it has been most peaceful. I was not bored for one minute but enjoyed sitting in my armchair and letting the time slowly go by without feeling that I had to fill it with activity. It was enough just to sit and exist and be aware of that. 

I also took a nap and got up late in the morning. I still enjoy sleeping. It's one of my favorite hobbies. I fall asleep within a minute after putting my head down on the pillow and don't remember a thing after that. I usually wake up quite refreshed unless I'm grumpy like I was yesterday. But that was the exception to the rule. 

The dog sleeps on the bed with me because there's linoleum in that bedroom and no carpeting. He doesn't sleep on the big pillow that's beside the bed. He never really did get used to it. The linoleum is too cold to sleep on, although he may appreciate in the summertime when it is hot. 

I can't imagine hot temperatures now but I am looking forward to them. This Saturday it's supposed to get up to 24C degrees and we won't know what hit us. That will be the warmest it has been since last year. 

I've got just a few cigarettes left and no tobacco. The empty package is in the trash bag. I will smoke these cigarettes and then put on a nicotine patch. I'm ready for the challenge. At least I know from experience what lies ahead of me. It's not the first time that I quit after all. 

Tomorrow morning I've got an appointment to get my hair cut. I'm looking forward to it very much. I'm purposely not going to wash my hair so it will have to be done there. That's part of the pleasure. I do want the full treatment. 

It's been more than six weeks since I've had it cut last and it's more than time. I do have to use an awful lot of hairspray to keep my hair in place now and it does make it sticky. It looks good when it's in place but a hurricane wouldn't blow it apart. 

I've got to eat before the news comes on. It's time to nourish the body. I just have to decide what sort of food I'm going to have. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Irene

Many words are wasted...

I've got an extremely grumpy mood and I think it's because I just woke up from a nap. I must have gotten out on the wrong side of the bed or I haven't had enough coffee yet. The sun is shining outside so it's not the weather's fault. I must drink another cup of coffee and see if that will straighten me out. I can't stay grumpy because I am my own worst enemy this way. If I could kick myself in the rear end, I would do it. 

I don't usually wake up grumpy from naps. As a rule I am quite reasonable. I only need the coffee to get the cobwebs out of my mind, not to put me in a good mood. As a matter of fact, I'm a quite mild mannered person and not prone to grumpiness. That doesn't mean that I don't think a person is not allowed to be it once in a while. We can't all be saints. There is a time and a place for everything. A lesser mood does happen when you're a mere mortal. Besides, the Greek gods were famous for their moodiness.

I know I will get over it in no time at all and that this will not last. I'm not going to stay grumpy for the rest of the day. It's just a temporary hitch in the system. Just by writing about it I will start feeling better. And I can always talk myself out of everything, including temporary grumpiness. 

In the meantime, I'm having another cup of coffee and I'm already starting to feel better. I don't feel so overwhelmed anymore. I just made another pack of cigarettes from my dwindling tobacco supply and I think by tomorrow I should be all out of it. Then it will be time for the nicotine patches. I'm lucky that I still have those and that I don't have to go out and spend the money on them because they are expensive enough. 

It's been a great day today in which nothing of importance happened whatsoever and that was fine with me. I watched the news updates a lot because politically there's a lot going on right now and I do want to stay informed. It looks like we're going to have elections on September the 12th and that gives all the parties time to prepare for them properly. Having elections on June the 27th was pushing it a little bit. Personally, I'm more than ready to go out and vote but there are always those floating voters who can't make up their minds. 

When the sun disappears, it immediately gets colder in here and I've had to turn on the heater. I have the feeling I should be eating hot soup or other hearty winter fare. I have at this moment a terrible craving for a stew or a chowder and I wish I was in the States so I could easily take care of it.  I guess I'm in the mood for some real American food but that is hard to get. I wouldn't mind going to a Denny's right now and having my pick of the menu. 

I think that's all I have to share. I've got to put my bathrobe on over my clothes so I'll be warm. I'm a great sufferer of the cold.

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Irene

Actually...

It's already halfway through the evening and it's still light outside. The sun keeps setting later each day. I do like it because it gives me hope that summer is really on its way. You wouldn't think it was springtime the way the weather is behaving, although the temperatures are only a little bit below normal for the time of year.

I've only watched the news to see what was happening politically in the country and didn't see the weather forecast so I have no idea how the rest of the week is going to be. 

The prime minister turned in his and his cabinet's resignation to the queen this afternoon. Her acceptance should be a mere formality. A lot of political parties want elections as soon as possible but others say to wait until September. There are the Euro Cup Football half finals on the day they picked in June.

I'll not bore you with the politics of my country. I'm sure you're more than bored enough with the politics of your own country. Or maybe you get excited about them too like I do. 

The dog ate a banana and an apple. I asked him if he was happy in English and he mistook the word "happy" for the word "apple" which is pronounced almost the same way in Dutch as it is in English. Of course I had no rest after that until I had peeled him an apple. 

He did eat some of his regular food but not until I threw away what was left over and put new food into his bowl. He is picky. He does require new kibbles every day. Everything has to be as fresh as possible. The cat is the same way and right they are. 

I ate vanilla pudding after the Exfactor went to the grocery store and bought it. It's my major downfall and what I really like most of all. After I've had it, I'm happy for the rest of the day. I don't have that with any kind of other food. It's completely satisfactory and filling. 

I've decided to give quitting smoking another try. I'm going to finish the tobacco I have left and then start on the nicotine patches. I have enough of those for the first two weeks. This will be the third time that I try it and that should be a charm. I sincerely hope I make it. Spending the money on the tobacco is killing me. 

I hope you're all having a good evening.

Ciao,
Irene

In the mood...

I'm always the most comfortable when I tell you that I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. It sets the stage, sort to say. I've taken a nap and now it's almost evening. Outside the sky looks threatening and it wouldn't surprise me if we got another terrible shower that we seem to get every evening. 

Inside it is a little chilly because I don't have the heater turned on yet. I don't know why I'm being so stubborn. I guess I'd rather sit here and freeze my buns off but the cup of hot coffee is warming me somewhat.

My mood is neither here nor there. It's unimportant and I'm not going to waste any words on it. The less said about it the better. 

This weekend the government collapsed and we will have new elections. A lot of people have been waiting for this to happen, including me. I was not too fond of the government and I hoped it would collapse. Still, I was pleasantly surprised when it did. 

It collapsed over the budgetary cut backs and how severe they were going to be and believe me, they were. Now it is hoped that all the other political parties come up with their better alternative budgets so we can make sensible decisions. 

Because of the summer holidays, the elections won't take place until September at the earliest. Everyone will get the time to prepare themselves properly. I already know which party I'm going to vote for, so I'm more than ready to.

There was also a train accident at the Central Station in Amsterdam. For some reason there were two trains on the same track that hit eack other head on. There were many wounded and a lot of them severe. For now it is unknown how these two trains ended up on the same track but there's going to be an investigation. 

So, despite the fact that I spent a lot of the weekend sleeping,  I did manage to stay well informed. I watched the news as events unfolded and took naps in between. I did miss most of the sports that were on but I'm going to watch the highlights tonight. A couple of football games were played today and I want to know their outcomes. 

Except for the news events, the weekend was quiet and went by quickly. I suppose I'm ready for the week to start. I'm not thrilled about it and frankly don't care much one way or the other. I suppose my mood could be better. I'm sure I'm affected by events more than I realize. 

Have a great evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Forget me nots number two...

I'm allowing myself to be officially depressed. There's no reason to fight it because I've been becoming it since the middle of the night when I sat up with a cup of coffee and tried to deny it. It's always better to acknowledge it and give into it than to try and act as if there's nothing wrong, which is impossible anyway. 

I usually feel relieved when I admit I am depressed. It's like suddenly falling into a deep hole and not knowing what exactly preceeded it. I never seem to know how I ended up there. There I find myself and at first I don't even realize what's wrong. I just feel extreme discomfort. It's good to give it a name once I've figured out what it is. It's even better to talk about it. 

I act like what I do here is talk but it does feel like that. I do imagine that you're all listening to me and are pondering it over. I don't know how much of that is actually true and I don't have to know. Just leave me with my illusions.

The bad part about being depressed is that it's very difficult to motivate yourself to do anything. Mostly you want to crawl into a little hole and disappear. At least be somewhere warm and safe, maybe some place like the womb. I'm trying to get out of doing most everything, although that's very difficult when you're the only person in your household. I can't expect the animals to take over. 

I'm constantly cold and in need of warmth. I want the sun to shine on me but I'll have no such luck with this kind of weather. Besides, it is at the end of the afternoon and gray and cloudy and the sun is low in the sky. It has just started to rain too. 

There is no joy in being depressed. There is only the relief of acknowledgement and the giving into it. You don't have to fight a battle. I certainly am not going to waste my time on one. It would be silly to because I would lose it. I'm going to very kindly take care of myself. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Drinking genuine coffee...

There's nothing that perks you up as well as drinking a freshly brewed cup of coffee. It makes a tremendous amount of difference with a cup of instant coffee which doesn't seem to do a lot for me in comparrison. I had forgotten what it was like to drink a freshly brewed cup of coffee and what it did for me but I'm glad I'm having the experience now. It has improved my mood tremendously and I haven't felt as good since the old coffeemaker died.

The Exfactor was kind enough to bring me the new coffeemaker yesterday because he didn't want me to drink the instant coffee any longer and thought I shouldn't have to wait until Friday when he is coming over next. I sure do appreciate that. It's the seemingly little things in life that make the most difference and that make you the most happy. You can savor them and be truly glad that you've got them. 

In that same manner I'm enjoying the newly trimmed dog who looks so different and who I have to keep looking at with a smile. He's taken on a whle new appearance and it's like I took a new dog home from the trim salon. I know he's the same dog because he shows the same amount of adoration if not more so because he thought I had abandoned him forever there. We're bonding up a storm and are like a newly wed couple and inseperable. I had missed him for the time he was gone. So had the cat. 

I'm now drinking a tall glass of ice cold milk to quench my thrist and to get over the high of the coffee. I do have to settle down again because I have to go back to bed again in a while. It's with some mixed feelings that I look forward to that because I'm wide awake but I'll soon start yawning and be more ready to go.

After having had things on the program for the past three days, I have nothing going on tomorrow and I can sleep as late as I want. It's also with mixed feelings that I look forward to that. I'd like to sleep late but actually doubt if I will having gotten used to waking up early. I won't know what to do with myself and hope I can find some household chores to do.

We're supposed to have periods of rain  and it won't be all that warm, but rain was promised yesterday too and not much came of it. There were some splatters and that was about it. We don't always get a lot of the weather down here in the south that the rest of the country gets.

I've finished my milk and will be off to my bed now. The dog has been out back twice in the time I've sat here. I think the second time was just for amusement but I couldn't be sure. Sometimes he has legitimate reasons. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Irene

Finding inspiration...

Frankly, I've looked high and low for inspiration and I haven't found any yet but maybe I'll stumble over it when I've finished this cup of coffee. Anything is possible after all. What I want to write about may be staring me right in the face and I may be overlooking it completely. It may be as simple as not looking good enough. Or not having had enough coffee yet. That could be the case also. I'll quickly finish this cup. I just mustn't dribble. 

The Exfactor called me a while ago to ask me what color I wanted my coffeemaker in. He was at the Kijkshop getting ready to buy one at a very good price. He will deliver it to me on Friday and then I will be able to make regular coffee again and my heart will soar. I hope I still remember how to make it correctly and haven't lost the skill. I do still have the coffee. I have two full packages ready to use on the kitchen shelf. Isn't that utterly convenient?

The dog was sitiing beside me begging for an apple. At least I think that's what he wanted. He usually does at this time of the afternoon. He remembers they are in the refrigerator and gets a hunkering for them. He patiently sits beside me in the kitchen while I peel one for him and then goes to the living room to eat it. He always goes to look at the peel on the counter afterwards but it's too far away for him to get it. I don't think he should be ingesting any pesticides. Isn't he cute, though? Him and his apples. 

The wind from the south has picked up and is blowing dry leaves through the street rapidly. It looks like autumn out there. It makes me feel cold just watching it. I feel that I should go and put my winter clothes on. Sometimes the weather is beautiful at this time of year but we sure didn't get lucky this time. It was supposed to have rained today too but it never did, thank goodness. I still have to go out and walk the dog and I don't want my nearly perfect hairdo to get ruined. 

My cup of coffee is empty and I'm out of inspiration and never really found it. As a result, it's not much of a post but what the heck. I've got to take my medicines and take the dog for a walk. I think he's more than ready to go. I'm going to miss watching the 6 o'clock news again but lately I've been very badly informed. I'm being a bad citizen of the world. 

Have a good evening you all. 

Ciao,

Irene

An undetermined mood...

I'm actually still yawning from the long nap I took this afternoon and the cup of coffee I just had has not made much of an impact yet. I guess I didn't make it strong enough and the second cup will have to pack a punch. That's why my mood is still undetermined and I have no idea of how I'm put together yet. I think right now I'm mostly grumpy but I'll try to get over that as quickly as I can and you can all be witness to it. Watch a metamorphosis take place. 

I must be in one of those cycles that I need a lot of sleep because I have not gotten a shortage of it for the last 24 hours. It seems that I can't get enough of it. I even slept on the sofa for an hour while I was waiting for the domestic help to get here. When she did, I was so comatose that I could hardly talk to her. So much for my conversational skills that usually don't let me down. But right now I'd rather sleep than do almost anything else and that includes eating, although that doesn't say much. 

The sun has been shining a lot today but it hasn't actually been a warm day. I did have to wear my winter coat when I went out and I've had the heater on for most of the day. I do have to admit that I get cold quickly and I seem to be allergic to the cold. I was definitely meant to live in a warmer climate. But at least the sun was out and it did cheer things up. Of course, the world is a lot greener and that does make things look a lot more cheerful too.

I do appreciate the fact that I have to go out a couple of times a day to walk the dog because otherwise I would not be aware of how quickly nature is changing right now. It's thé opportunity for me to be out regularly and see how green the trees are becoming and how many dandelions there are growing in the grass. The lowly dandelion does have its place in nature too. 

There, I've become sensible and wide awake again and I never did have that second cup of coffee. I had two glasses of cold milk instead. I was very thirsty and slightly hungry too. That milk took care of that. 

I can now move on to the next chapter and that is to take my medicines and take the dog for a walk. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

Is there anything else?

I'm slightly discombobulated from having fallen asleep in my armchair. I had pulled the red fleece blanket over me because I was cold and before I knew it, I had nodded off. I slept sitting up like that for about an hour and woke up completely disoriented. It was a bit of an unusual place to take a nap, after all. I'm still yawning now after a cup of coffee and I'll have to have a second one before I really am awake.

I just peeled an apple for the dog and he ate it with much appetite. I secretly obeserved him eating it. It's so much fun to watch. He takes delicate bites and makes thoughtful crunching sounds when he chews. For a while, nothing in the world exists but that apple.

I've gotten a second cup of coffee and I'm starting to feel better now. I'm not quite as fuzzy as I was. Cups of coffee are so good for my mental health. If tea did the same thing I would drink it but I have not experienced the proof of it yet.

The afternoon is drawing to a close and we didn't see any sunshine all day. It has been dreary and cold. The wind was coming from the north-east today and that usually means it's colder. I've had the heater on for most of the day and even so I've been feeling chilled. I think I'm wearing enough clothes but that doesn't seem to help. 

If I really want to do something nice for myself, I'd change the bed and I think that's just what I'll do. It will be a treat to get under a clean duvet cover this evening. Besides, I've got that new good smelling washing powder and it does make the laundry smell good. It's great to have it drying on the clothes rack. 

My thumb is healing up quite nicely and doesn't hurt half as bad as it did yesterday. I can even use it a little bit if I'm careful. I'm very careful with the new paring knife now that I know how sharp it is. I treat it with the respect it deserves.

The Amstel Gold Race was taking place here this afternoon and there were helicopters in the air making lots of noise. It must have been a madhouse along the route. I didn't follow the race on television, although I usually do every year. I like to watch them climb the famous Cauberg. I've done it on foot many times and it's a real doozy.It does make your legs ache. 

I've got the perfect hairdo today. It's completely tousled but in place the way I want it to be. I achieved this by rubbing it with a towel and then roughly running my hands through it and applying hairspray. I bet I can sleep on it tonight and have it look the same way in the morning. I'll give it a try anyway. 

I hope you're all having a good Sunday. Too bad it's the last day of the weekend. 

Ciao,

Irene

The better stuff...

At least I can tell you one thing for certain, I'm having better instant coffee now than I have been having. I got the better brand today which I won't mention by name but it is very well known. It sure makes a difference in how good the coffee tastes and I'm drinking it with more pleasure. I no longer make an ugly face when I take the first sip. I'm even looking forward to the second cup.

I've got groceries in the apartment and I can eat good things again. I celebrated that by eating vanilla pudding and I peeled an apple for the dog which he ate with much enthusiasm. The only problem is that I cut myself in my thumb while peeling the apple and it went deep. For a while (about an hour) I was bleeding all over the place. I have to be careful with my thumb now or it will start all over again. Do you know how difficult it is not to use your thumb? 

It is raining outside and has been for a while. I thought it was just a shower at first but it kept on raining and hasn't stopped for the past hour and a half. The dog very enthisiastically wanted to go for a walk just now but I let him out back and he got the message. He's now lying belly up beside me with his four paws in the air, sound asleep. He's so exposed, it does make you want to tickle him. I'll be kind and not do that. I've got to think of my thumb too. 

I'm still yawning from the nap I took. I thought, while I wait for my thumb to stop bleeding I might as well take a nap. The animals slept on the bed with me and it was very cozy. I like the room I sleep in now and am used to it. It is very much my room. I would like to add some different furniture to it but those are just future dreams. I can go to the Ikea website any time and long for all the things I want to get. Because I smoke again, I won't have the money to get anything. That's the price I pay. 

Since it's Saturday evening, there will no doubt be many boring television shows on. I will have to find another way to amuse myself. I don't hang out on Facebook much anymore having become completely bored with it for the moment. So that's one activity behind the computer that has ceased.

Today I started reducing my anti-psychotics some more. This is in order to elevate my mood just a little bit. I'm not depressed but I think I can be a little bit more cheerful and I think the anti-psychotics are dampening my mood just a little bit too much. I'm just reducing them by 1 mg at first and if all goes well, I'll reduce them by another 1 mg. I'll go slowly on this and not hasten anything. The first week is the most important and will tell me a lot. 

I hope you're all having a good weekend and that your weather is kind to you. 

Ciao,

Irene

Positively positive...

I haven't taken a nap but I'm having a cup of that delicious instant coffee instead to perk me up. I need the caffeine so I don't mind how bad it tastes. Actually, I am getting used to it so it isn't the awful experience I make it sound like. It serves the purpose and that's what counts. It is true that I can't wait for a decent cup of coffee and that I've almost forgotten what one tastes like. It will be like an angel peeing on my tongue. 

The day has gone by quickly and no doubt that was partly due to the fact that I slept late this morning. The dog was kind enough not to wake me up at all. I very leisurely had a cup of coffee in my armchair while I remembered who I was and what day it was. I didn't realize that it was Friday the 13th but it wouldn't have made any difference. I would have approached the day the same way. 

I was glad it was Friday and that the domestic help was going to be here to clean up the apartment. It's nice to enter the weekend with everything in ship shape. All I had to do was the dishes and some laundry and make the bed. Luckily it was not that cold outside so I could open the windows and let the place air out. For that reason I'm looking forward to the real springtime so I will be able to always have the windows open. 

I have headaches off and on and sometimes I take a painkiller for them. At least I know why I get them and I'm not worried about them. It's just a bit of a bother. I mostly try to relax and ignore them. I do pay attention to how I hold myself. I make sure that I'm not in a cramped up position and that I sit behind the computer straight. I also think that I need to get some new pillows for my bed. The ones I have are a little old and not so very supportive. 

I just noticed that the domestic help cleaned the French way, in other words, with a lick and a promise. I just gathered a lot of dog hair out from underneath my desk. There's a lot of dust on the baseboard too. I think people in the south don't clean as rigorously as people in the north. The furniture doesn't get vacuumed either and very seldom underneath. I'll have to check it from now on and do some of it myself. I'm still in good enough shape to do that. 

I'm making a shopping list for tomorrow and adding to it as I remember things. It's growing longer by the minute. I've written a coffeemaker on there also. I think I need to go to "Action" with the Exfactor and buy some things I need. I also need another frying pan and another pan to cook in with a glass lid on it. I will get them at very reasonable prices at that store. The only problem is the continual crowd and the long lines by the cash registers. 

It's time for me to take out the dog. It's overcast outside but at least it's dry. It hasn't rained all day. It would have been good weather to dry the laundry outside on the clothes line. Oh well...

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Don't forget about the angels...

I woke up from my nap with a headache so that was not a good begin to the rest of the day. But it got better as I moved around and now it is nearly gone. I haven't yet taken a painkiller and will not unless I have to. I'd rather not take anything if I don't absolutely have to. It's amazing though that you can get a headache from sleeping. I thought that was a very relaxing activity. I guess I don't know everything yet.

I woke up half way through my nap because the dog had thrown the alarm clock to the ground where it landed in three seperate pieces. Fortunately, it was still working and when I put it back together it was still telling the right time. I do have to get another, sturdier alarm clock. This one is rather old and rickety. I got it from the Exfactor to use temporarily. That's been long enough now. You should look gift horses in the mouth sometimes.

The first thing I did when I got up was make a cup of coffee. It may be instant coffee but I needed the caffeine. I'm properly activated now after the first cup but I can't take the dog for a walk because it's raining outside. That means I'll have another cup of coffee and wait a while. The dog is very patient and didn't even want to stay out back for fear of getting wet. He is sensible sometimes. The older he gets, the more sensible he becomes.

---------------

The rain stopped and the sun suddenly came out and it was the perfect time to take the dog out. It was lovely outside and not too cold. It was perfect to be out there for a while and get some fresh air. I do so appreciate the longer days. I feel like I've been out in the country. That's a lot of wishful thinking on my part. The air did feel awfully clean, though. I feel completely restored by it.

The dog is casually eating his dinner but I neglected the cat and almost forgot to give her her kibbles. She did sit on the kitchen counter with a look of astonishment on her face. I quickly remedied that and she's now chowing down from a newly filled bowl. 

I suppose I must start thinking about what to eat for dinner myself. I first have to take my medicines. I'm a very faithful medicine taker and never skip a dose and very seldom forget to take them. For this reason, my psychiatrist is very fond of me. 

I think I will have Greek yoghurt and a banana and share the banana with the dog. He is awfully fond of them and they are starting to get a little spotted. Tomorrow the Exfactor will do the groceries and buy more of the things I like best. Luckily, they are not the most expensive. I'm an inexpensive consumer. It doesn't matter what the prices are at the supermarket. I always fall into the cheap category.

Right, off I go. I hope you'll all have a good evening with something good to eat.

Ciao,

Irene

A brief moment in time...

That's what I intend to describe here anyway, although it will probably turn in to a description of many long moments in time because I'm sitting here comfortably with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and am not about to go anywhere. I'm still sleepy enough to be nice and mellow but alert enough to make sense. At least I'm not in one of my hypo-manic moods and floating on a cloud. I'm completely down to earth where I belong. 

I've done some sleeping already because I went to bed early last night. I didn't have the patience to stay up late and watch television. I wanted to get comfortable under the duvet and drift off into sleep and dreamland. I don't remember if I dreamed or not. If I did, it wasn't very impressive because nothing stayed with me. They must have just been very ordinary things that weren't worth remembering. 

I hope that when I go back to bed, the rest of my night will be like that also. 

There's not much to talk about when you're down to earth where you belong. I'm frantically searching in my mind for subjects to discuss and all I can think of are the things I already talked about on my other blog. I don't want to fall into repetition so I won't be discussing them.  I suppose that I'm not as alert as I thought I was because normally I have no problem coming up with things to talk about. 

That warrants another cup of coffee and I'm drinking it now. Hopefully it will loosen me up a bit. It's a terrible thing when your mind lets you down. It's the one thing you have to be able to rely on. That's why you have to run a little interference every now and then and give it a little stimulance. A mind on its own sometimes can't do a lot but sit there and be very dull. And that is very boring. 

My therapist wants me to see a woman who does breathing and relaxation techniques. She teaches you how to do them. My therapist thought they might be good for me to know because I now use tranquilizers. I'm somewhat interested in this and already know the woman who teaches them from yoga classes that I took a long time ago and I know that she's a very agreeable person.  I was happy to hear that she made it through the budget cuts. 

Today I have to go to a center of activities to see if there's a creative class I may be interested in. Hopefully there's a group of women I will find something in common with. I have to meet the leader of the group today. I'm a bit nervous about this because it's a new venture, but it is very close to where I live. It's a ten minute walk away from the apartment so it couldn't be better. I just have to gather up my courage. Whatever I have of it. 

You wouldn't think I was scared of trying out new things but I am. I'm less brave than you may think I am. There's always a hurdle I have to get over. I can talk myself out of things very easily. I mustn't do that this time because it is an opportunity to get involved with something interesting and to be socially engaged. I must be courageous. 

I'm going to take my somewhat timid self to bed now and get some more sleep. If I'm able to after this second cup of coffee. I may be too wired. Maybe I'll have to pay Facebook a visit first. I'll see.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

In the late evening...

Now, in the late evening, it is raining buckets, but I don't have to be out there so I am glad. The dog very briefly went out back and was more than happy to come back inside. He got wet enough in the very short time that he was out there. The cat very wisely is staying inside where she belongs. It may be a matter of being smarter or having better bladder control, I don't know. 

I'm fighting my sleepiness with a cup of instant coffee. It does serve its function in that capacity.  I haven't replaced the coffeemaker yet. There's been no opportunity for it yet. It will wait a while as long as I have the instant coffee, I just have to get a better brand.  Much as I dislike drinking it, I'm sure that will make a difference. 

It's been an interesting day today. I found out what I already suspected. I didn't have to file income taxes over 2011. I had gotten no paperwork about it and started to get big doubts so I called the tax office. The woman I got on the line confirmed my suspicions and reassured me that I would not have to. That was a relief to hear. I thought I might have been going into default and have gotten into trouble.

Because I'm switching energy companies, I was waiting for the final closure bill from my old energy provider with some dread. I thought I might be owing them all sorts of money because it had just been wintertime and an expensive time of the year. That bill came in the mail today and much to my relief, I'm getting a nice amount of money back that I can really use. The gods smiled kindly upon me. 

Because of circumstances beyond my control. I had today to get a new telephone number and I thought that was going to be a quite involved process, but it turned out to be fairly easy. After a few formalities it was done in a flash and I will know my new number in a few days when it will be sent to me in the mail. My old number has already been disconnected so the problems with it should be resolved. The new number will be a secret number. 

I made an appointment for the dog to get his fur trimmed and I don't even know if the Exfactor will be able to take him there. If he can't, I will have to take him and I will have to be up to that, but at least I will have the money to pay for it thanks to the windfall from the energy company. 

That will also pay for the new identity card that I have to apply for shortly because my passport is about to expire. I will have to have those god awful passport photos taken and go to city hall and be finger printed. At least you can make an appointment for it nowadays and not have to wait in line. 

My headache has returned and I'm taking the painkillers again along with two tranquilizers a day to help relax me. The area around my right eye is hurting too and it seems to me that my eye hurts also. I do definitely have to wear my glasses and I can't cheat and only wear them now and then. It's too much of an adjustment to take them off and later put them on again. It's always something...

That about sums up my day, except for the usual odds and ends. The laundry and the dishes and changing the bed, etc. 

I hope you'll all have a good night and lots of good news. 

Ciao,

Irene

What's the rush anyway?

I've already been sleep but the dog woke me up by licking my hands and my face, He knows that's a surefire way of waking me up, it works every time. I think he does it when he his bored of being all by himself and wants some company. He didn't have to go out anyway. 

So here I am sitting with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Outside it is raining like it has a lot today. No doubt we need it because it hasn't rained a lot lately. It is a gentle rain and not coming down in buckets. That is some relief. And at least it isn't very cold outside. 

I have been eating the Greeks yoghurt that I bought for my sister. It is delicious and I think I'm hooked on it. It is so thick that you can set a spoon straight up in it. I eat it with brown sugar like she does and I can heartily recommend it. I like it at least as much as I like vanilla pudding and that is saying a lot. I don't know how many calories there are in it, I think there must be a lot, but it is worth every bite. I'm sure it's very good for you too. 

I've also got the drink yoghurt that I usually never buy in raspberry flavor. I will be having that next. I'm looking forward to it. I actually wish I had buttermilk to drink and I will have the Exfactor buy that the next time he goes grocery shopping which will be tomorrow as a matter of fact. The timing couldn't be better. 

I took the dog out for walks in the rain today and we did get wet which the dog didn't mind at all. I didn't either because I was dressed for it. We didn't get overly wet and I dried the dog off with a towel when we got home. He did enjoy that but I get the top half of him more dry than the bottom half. That's as much as he was able to co-operate. 

When I was done drying him, he was one mess of little curls which made him look very smart. I wish I could say the same for my hair, but it just stayed as straight as it always was.  Things are divided unequally in this world. Of course, people with curly hair want straight hair. Having straight hair, I just don't understand that. 

The cat stayed inside for most of the day and every once in a while had the crazy half hour when she ran through the living room using the furniture as an obstacle course and daring the dog to join in. That's when she must have had cabin fever. If she did, she brought it on herself. The rest of the time she slept on my bed and was unmovable. I could sit on her before she got out of the way.

I dreamed that I was having a pro-war argument with some bleeding heart liberals in British English which I spoke with a lisp. I argued that there was reason to fight for a cause and that there was reason to go out on a mission at night to seek and kill your enemy. I spoke very heatedly about this with much passion. When I woke up from my dream, I was convinced that I was right. I don't know how I feel about this now. 

I will now go and find some other way to amuse myself. It isn't time to go back to bed yet. I'm sure I can think of many things to do. There are usually all sorts of ways to get into trouble and I am bound to find them. I get bored easily enough with the status quo to want to change it. Watch me do it now.

Gave a good night you all.

Ciao,

Irene

You get used to anything...

I am getting used to the horrid taste of the instant coffee and have almost forgotten what a decent cup of coffee tastes like. I guess that's a good thing. If I am going to drink this awful stuff, I may as well get used to it and not find it as horrible as I did in the beginning. It does what it is supposed to do and that is get me alert enough after I wake up from sleeping or if I'm having a dip. 

The fact that it has caffeine in it is the most important thing, although I did have my doubts about that when I first started drinking it. I even looked on the jar to make sure it wasn't decaffeinated coffee. At first I thought it wasn't doing a thing for me, but I've since started making stronger cups of it. That's working quite a bit better. 

The sad news is that my older sister was not able to come down here. She is in too bad a shape to make it. She called me this morning and was very disappointed. She had a packed bag all ready to go but had to cancel her trip. She is going to try and come later this month if she can get her illness under control better but I doubt she is going to be able to. I think until she's seen the specialist, she's just going to have an awfully hard time. 

At least I will be able to save most of the foods I bought for her stay here. Most of them can go into the freezer and the other ones can stay in the cupboards. I'll have to eat the bananas but that will be no great sacrafice.  I was looking forward to fixing the food but it will wait. It's more fun to cook for two people than it is for one.

I did go and have brunch with my younger sister and her family. She had all sorts of foods and a nicely laid out table. I had a hard boiled egg and a little bit of fruit salad but there were many more things to choose from. One of them was the special Easter bread which looked great but which I'm unable to eat. I was awfully full when I was done eating and felt like I had eaten a ton of food. I wish I could have, it all looked so good. 

Instead of going for a walk with them after the meal, I went home and took a nap to help digest my food. I was better able to sleep than to walk. My stomach was that uncomfortable. The nap was a success and I felt better afterwards. The dog woke me up because he wanted to go for a walk, so I briefly went out with him. I wasn't quite ready yet for the bigger work. 

Now I'm sitting here drinking a glass of milk and I'm waiting for the day to come to an end. It went by quickly and I haven't done much. I don't have much to show for it, except for a bloated stomach. An idiot would have more to show for his day.

Happy Easter all of you!

Ciao,

Irene

Darn it...

My coffeemaker has completely given up the ghost. I was trying to make a pot of coffee but I waited for one in vain. It made an awful lot of noise and it looked like it was working as hard as it possibly could, but mostly some steam came out of the top. There was no hot water dripping into the filter  and no coffee dripping into the pot. 

I ran a bottle of vinegar through it, which I should have done a long time ago, but it was all to no avail. It is now just sitting there doing nothing at all but playing dead. I'm afraid I killed it through neglect and I'll have to carry it to its last resting place and buy a new one. 

Unfortunately, the stores are all closed now and there's not a coffeemaker to be gotten anywhere. That's the bad news. The good news is that I do have a jar of instant coffee and, although it doesn't taste very good, it does have caffeine in it and that is good enough for me. I do get some gratification out of it. 

It is through this minor miracle that I can sit here and be somewhat coherent and write this. It would be impossible otherwise. I did take a nap earlier and found out about the coffeemaker when I woke up and was shocked when I thought I wasn't going to be able to drink coffee. Luckily, I remembered that jar of instant coffee on the shelf in the kitchen. 

My first reaction was to call the Exfactor to have him, as if by a magic, pull a coffeemaker out of his sleeve. I thought if anyone knew where to get a coffeemaker it would be him. He didn't answer his telephone, however, and really, where would he have gotten one? The things I expect of him!

I hope my sister doesn't mind drinking instant coffee. The stores will be closed on Monday as well because it's another holdiday, so a new coffeemaker can't be bought until Tuesday. That's a long time to go without a decent cup of coffee. We'll have to try and get outselves invited somewhere else a lot.

The Exfactor and I did the groceries this afternoon when everybody else and their brother was doing them too. People had their shopping trolleys filled with groceries and there seemed to be no recession going on. I'm amazed at the money that is spent during the holidays. Maybe it's a good thing because it's good for the economy. I spent more than I usually do too. I'm a over consumer also. 

I also cleaned house and that was a lot of fun. I found out that the vacuum cleaner wasn't working properly and I fixed that. Apparently the domestic helps have been vacuuming at half power. I would have thought they'd let me know. It sure made a difference once I fixed it. There was a stoppage where the hose entered the vacuum cleaner.

I've got to take the dog for a walk into the moon filled night. I'm late, I've been distracted. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Irene

In an uproar...

My stomach has been in such an uproar for the past 24 hours that I've only been able to eat two rusk toasts and as a result I am very hungry. I don't dare eat anything else, though, and am glad the rusk toast stayed down. I've been trying to drink something besides water and I'm now trying to drink a much needed cup of coffee. So far, so good. I don't tolerate milk very well at all. I did miss the coffee very much, though. Who am I without my cups of coffee?

I can only think that this is a case of nerves about my sister coming to stay here and in case it is that, I have taken a tranquilizer about an hour ago. I do feel myself getting a lot more relaxed now and I think it may be doing me some good. I was also getting my headache back and I've taken a painkiller. It's very possible that stress translates itself into physical ailments in my case. It wouldn't surprise me at any rate. 

I do have a tendency to let things bother me more than I realize and they build up inside of me until the very moment that it starts to count. I seem fine until that very moment. In the meantime, subversively, the stress is creeping up on me and shows itself suddenly in less expected ways. It seems to always do that in the form of some physical dysfunction. Lately it has been my stomach that seems to be the weak spot. Of course with my gastric band it is bound to be that way. 

My domestic help didn't show up today and this was just on a day that I really needed her. I'll have to do the housecleaning myself now. It's not something I was counting on, especially not with an upset stomach. I hope I'm doing much better by tomorrow. 

The Exfactor was here this afternoon to do the groceries, but we postponed getting them until tomorrow because I was in no shape to go to the supermarket with him to get them. I went to bed instead and took a much needed nap. I sure as heck hope that I'm  in good shape tomorrow because I'll have enough to do. I also have to clean the patio. 

So you see, I'm not doing all that great. I do wish I'd get over it and I hoped that by writing about it I would. There's nothing like putting your problems down in black and white. Or in black and green as the case is here.  Through it all, I'm slightly neglecting the animals and that's unlike me. I do have to make amends as soon as I feel better. I feel most sorry for the dog who feels that something is wrong. He's my most loyal pal and about to notice it. 

I've been able to drink my coffee with some success. I would like to drink some milk now, but that may be pushing my luck. It would be nutritious anyway.

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

In the morning, bright and sunny...

I am sitting here with my first cup of coffee and a cigarette and I'm more than ready to start the day. I am up bright and sunny, but I don't think the day is actually going to be. It is now cloudy and gray outside and it is supposed to stay that way. I'm not going to let that press my good mood and I'm totally going to ignore it. I will have a fine day no matter what the weather is going to be like. That's the kind of mood I'm in.

I was up earlier during the night but I never did get around to writing a post. I was too busy on Pinterest because I had redivided some boards and of course I had to add new pins to them. That kept me out of trouble for a while. I had a wonderful time pretending I could make all my wishes come true. It's like being a little girl and making your wish list for Santa Claus and sometimes these things come true. 

I've cut down even more on my tranquilizers and am now down to only one dose of 10 mg at night. These were strong ones and they worked great when I was highstrung but they made me very sleepy when I was not. That resulted in me always wanting to take naps during the day and I hope I won't feel that need now. I started taking them when I got so grumpy when I quit smoking the first time. 

It's always best to get off these kinds of medications as quickly as possible but it can take a while before you are able to. You have to choose the right moment and you have to have the wilpower to do it. You actually have to be stubborn enough and damn well make up your mind you're going to. Nobody else can make you do it. Don't rely on anyone else. 

I jusr stepped outside when the dog had to go out back and it is nice and chilly out there. There's a cold wind blowing and it felt good. All the trees and shrubs are green and it looks wonderful. It does give you hope for better weather, but this is okay with me too. I'll just have to dress a little warmer when I take the dog for a walk in a while. I'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to feel the cold air on my face. 

I don't have much else to report. I've finished my coffee and want to get dressed. I'm eager to get the day started. The Exfactor should be here this morning to finish putting the dresser together. It will be nice to see it all done. Then I can finish decorating the guest room. 

First I'm off to take the dog out for a walk in the cold morning air.

Ciao,

Irene

Running in a lower gear...

I'm not quite as wide awake as I usually am at this time of the night. For some reason I am more tired and sleepy. It could be because the dog woke me up out of a sound sleep when I was least prepared for it. He had to go out back, of course. 

At least he doesn't have any accidents inside anymore. There are no more innocent puddles to step into in the morning. He no longer fouls his own nest. Thank goodness for small favors. 

I am having some coffee and it is waking me up somewhat, though I'm not getting the caffeine kick that I usually do.I guess this is not my lucky night. I mustn't despair, though. I haven't had my second cup of coffee yet. Anything is still possible. 

I am usually full of piss and vinegar in the middle of the night and more than ready to write a post and do all sorts of things. Even more so than during the daytime. You'd think I saved all my energy for the nighttime and used it all up then. Now I´m sitting here yawning. 

I do have to keep looking at the bright side of things and that is that the night is peaceful and quiet and that all is well with my little world, but that´s just very personally speaking.

It doesn´t take into account that my sister is going to be here and that she is very sick. The surgeon who saw her told her that her symptoms are too severe for it to be only a matter of gallstones. He is sending her to a gastroenterologist. 

I do worry about her and I think this news, that I got today, weighs heavy on my mind. I wanted the problem to be something simple like gallstones and wished for it, although I had my doubts. I think she did too.

Now that I shared this with you, I feel a little bit lighter. I had not realized how much this was bothering me. I want to help her and will do whatever I can to make her stay here as pleasant as possible. I want to spoil her as much as I can. That speaks for itself, of course. 

At least I know now why I don´t have my usual get up and go. I can take that into account. I must cheer up and be more lively. It will not do to be down in the dumps. It doesn´t help anyone. 

Right, I will now pour myself a glass of ice cold milk and pull myself up by my socks. And I do have some sleeping left to do. I will take care of that also.

Ciao,

Irene

I don't think I'll do that...

I opened the flatpacks that the dresser came in with some muscle power. They were very well closed and I had to rip them open. It said not to use a knife and I was obedient. Inside them were a myriad of different parts that had to be put together and a hundred different screws and nuts to do it with. 

There was also an instruction booklet of quite a few pages. 

Now, I know I'm smart enough to tackle the job, but I looked at all the screws and nuts and at my measly little screwdriver and thought, "Forget it, this is a job for the Exfactor!" 

He is supposed to be here tomorrow anyway to do it, and he is bringing his electric screwdriver, so the job will be much easier for him with my able help. I think two can do a better job than one at any rate. We will have it done in no time at all. And, oh yes, it also requires a hammer. That sounds like fun, doesn't it?

I had some spare time on my hands and that's why I considered putting the dresser together, but in the end it was the domestic help who needed my spare time. 

You see, she is almost three months pregnant and in need of a older, wiser listening ear and one with humor. So I had to do my best to cheer her up and make her see the sunny side of pregnancy. I think I succeeded to some extent. 

I'm very capable of being wise and funny simultaneously when I have to help out young pregnant women. I used to be one myself and I know what they need to hear. It seems to me that she's surrounded by doomsday thinkers who tell her horror stories. Someone needed to make her feel good. 

I can't stand people who don't think and say whatever enters their head. You know the kind. They try to be funny while being knuckleheaded with no regard to the person they're being it to. The unwise and the unkind people. The dumb people. Lord save us from them all. 

I feel very protective toward people who I cnsider as falling under my care and start to take things personally when I think they aren't being treated properly in some way. I feel it is my duty to do something about it and be their advocate. At least be their Mother Confessor where they can go and unload their psyches.

I would run interference if they asked me to and give someone a black eye if it came to that, although by nature I'm a non-violent person. Well, I think I am, I won't guarantee it. 

I might have been a fierce warrior in the late Bronze Age. 

In the meantime I'm sitting here looking at the clock because in a little while I have to take the dog for a walk. The sun is shining but it's a little bit cold outside. This morning there was frost on the cars and the fields. 

It's been a great day, although I haven't had enough sleep. I've had enough coffee and that's what has kept me going. It's the caffeine that is making me so wise and brave.

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Irene