Midnight...

What better time to sit down and write a post than at midnight when everybody else has gone to bed and the neighborhood is silent and the world around me seems to be at peace? That is, my own little piece of the world. I'm well aware of the fact that the world at large is not at peace at all, but I don't want to depress myself by thinking about how much of this is actually true, so I'll skip over that whole discussion and stick to my own little corner of it. I feel quite helpless at the moment to do anything about the world's larger problems and conflicts. Well, I usually do. I find recycling hard enough to do.

I napped a lot today. This was to offset yesterday when I didn't nap as much and was busy doing chores and other important things. It was also to make up for that half a night of sleep I missed. I napped in the morning, the afternoon and the evening on the sofa with the TV on for company. I'm quite good at sleeping with the TV on and incorporate the sound into my dreams. Of course, it's not normal the amount of sleeping I do during the day. I seem to exist in a constant state of sleepiness, but I blame that on the medications and you all know my decision about those.

It seems to me that sometimes I am more than frank in my posts and afterwards it bothers me to no end that I was. I think there is such a thing as sharing too much of yourself and maybe sometimes I cross the line. I seem to get into a delirium and unload whatever is on my mind, however intimate my thoughts are. I don't delete these posts afterwards, because by then I have usually already received comments on them and it seems cowardly to pretend that I haven't written them. That's the danger of blogging like you write a diary. You put your thoughts out there and hope for the best, but I have yet to receive a nasty remark and I owe that to the kindness of my readers.

My own discomfort, though, does want me to moderate my words, but I know in the end that I will share my life with you again when I feel the need to unload, because I find that writing about it here is after all the best therapy. It helps me put my thoughts in order and get my priorities straight.

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In the meantime it is morning, because I had to go to sleep after I wrote all of the above. I'm having my first cup of coffee and it tastes mighty fine. Definitely worthy of a repeat.

I seem to be filled with some amount of quiet despair and I have to try and find out where it comes from. I think it has to do with me going to quit my medications and the daunting task that is going to be, because I'm not at all naive enough to think it's going to be easy. I suppose what bothers me is that I have not had a chance to discuss this with my SPN and my psychiatrist and I won't be able to properly until March the 11th when I have an appointment with both of them together. I see my SPN before that, but only for a half hour appointment and I won't have much time to explain my point of view to her. That's always very frustrating.

I'm just thinking that I can send her an email explaining my take on things now, so that she will be prepared when she sees me on Tuesday. That may be a good idea, but even that fills me with a certain amount of dread, because how do you get such an idea across and sound sane and reasonable at the same time?

I've decided not to take the paracetamol with codeine anymore lest I get hooked on that. I was allowed to take it 4 times a day and was obediently popping those pills, but this morning I didn't take one. I will only take one if it is absolutely necessary and I don't think that it is right now. I won't take them just because I'm allowed to. I can just see me developing a problem with those pills. I did take all of my other medications and won't start reducing anything until I have properly discussed it with my psychiatrist. It's tempting to start now, but I won't do it.

I can breathe through my nose again and my throat is hardly sore. I'm really not coughing anymore, just occasionally, so I think I am much better. That antibiotic is working. As far as I'm concerned, I declare myself healed, though I will finish the antibiotic, of course.

Okay, I'm going to write that email now. I hope you all have a great day.

Ciao,
Nora

Medication...

I have been on psychiatric medication for about 16 years now. I take antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, tranquilizers and sleeping pills. Of some of these, I take massive amounts. The reason that I started taking these pills is that I had one enormous, completely full blown, nervous break down in the complete sense of the word and that it wasn't pretty and that it took me a long time to get over it. In the course of this, a diagnosis was made of my symptoms, as a diagnosis is made of everyone who enters into psychiatric care and is observed for any length of time. My diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder Type II, complicated with Borderline Personality Characteristics. That's what's written down in my electronic file and that's what I'm labeled as.

The first years I started taking the medication a lot of it didn't work, so it was always a trial and error of trying to find the right medication in the right doses and the right combinations until we finally found the ones that seemed to work the best. Now, it would be nice to assume that these medications brought me back to my former self before I had that huge breakdown,but that is not the case. The medications made me less depressed and less suicidal and less morbidly preoccupied with obsessive thoughts and less anxious and nervous, but they never returned me to the person I used to be who had been fun and adventurous and outgoing and extroverted and socially adapt. I never regained that person.

I mourned over that woman and it took me a long time to come to accept the person I had become instead and for a long time I didn't. Over time I thought, well this is the best I am going to be and that's what I'm stuck with, so I may as well accept it and at least to some point I have a certain amount of peace and quiet. Of course, in reality I don't, because I'm still the victim of depressions and mood swings and I never know from one day to the next what my day is going to look like.

I live a very precarious life that constantly needs to be fine tuned with medication. I suffer from anxieties and agoraphobia and unnamed fears and terrors and sheer nerves. I have an untold amount of suffering and every day seems to be a battle, even on my good days. I suffer from highs that are too high and lows that are too low. I never seem to be in balance.

Instead of being the great solution to the problems I had and returning me to my former glory, the medications seem to prolong my suffering and add to it and never allow me a normal day. Therefor lately, I have lost my faith in them and I am very seriously considering getting off them and once again becoming the woman I was before all of this got started. I will just be older and wiser now.

My recent statement, that I wanted my life to end, was based for a large part on the fact that I could not see myself grow old on the medication and envision a quality of life that I have now with the medication until I die of old age. I thought, there have to be better ways to grow old. I think my quality of life is so low now that I can't accept it as a standard of living.

I talked to my daughter yesterday, from whom I have become practically estranged these past years and she told me that she felt that she had lost me to the medication. That the real me that she knew to be her mom was no longer there and that I had become someone else that she felt no bond with and that she could not get close to. I was unreachable to her and off somewhere in another reality away from the real life one. She wanted me back, but she felt it was impossible under the circumstances and I know what she means, because I feel the detachment too and I feel that about a lot of people.

I somehow have to get myself back. I have to get the joy and the life back into me and not be this drug induced person. My daughter talked of a detox program, but I don't know if something like that is available for me. She wants to get in touch with my psychiatrist and voice her concerns and be my advocate. She rues the fact that she lives so far away from me, because she wants to help me become me again. I want me to become me again.

I'm seriously going to discuss this with my SPN and psychiatrist and see what we can do. It's a possible way for me not to have to end my life. There may be light at the end of the tunnel.

Ciao,
Irene

It's working well!

I've decided not to watch any Olympics this evening, but instead to catch up on my blog reading, which I was very behind on. I'll get my pajamas on in a while and make myself comfortable on the sofa and watch some Olympics then. They are broadcast all night because of the time difference. I don't know what I'm going to do when the Olympics are over. Life will be so boring when everything gets back to normal. Well, maybe not. There was life before the Olympics, after all, and somehow I managed. I know I read a lot more books then.

I'm taking my medicines for my airway infection and I must say that the codeine works very well. I'm allowed to take it 4 times a day and it completely takes away the pain, making it a lot easier to breathe, allowing me to do things as if there is hardly anything the matter with me. So, needless to say, I did some chores today.

First I cleaned up that torn bag of cat litter. I was a ten kilo bag and when I tried to pick it up, the bottom fell out and all the cat litter dropped on the ground. I swept it all up and put it in a different bag and then swept the whole room which was covered in dog hair and debris from outside that the cats and the dogs had tracked in and other dust and soil. It hadn't been properly cleaned in a while and it is where the back door is, so you can imagine what it looked like. It looked like the great outdoors.

Since that was done so successfully, and since I was hardly out of breath, I vacuumed the apartment next. I didn't rush the job, but did it nice and easy, as if I had all the time in the world, which I did. I vacuumed up the last of Jesker's hair that was stuck beneath the furniture and now that is all gone. Tyke doesn't shed any hair. His fur is thick and curly, but I have yet to find any laying around.

Now I have to mop the floors, which is going to be a lot of work, so I saved that job for another day. I have a sponge mop and I think it is more work than a rag mop, though I am still undecided which of the two I like better. I know I will feel a lot happier once the floors are clean, because they are mucky now. I do want to pick the right moment to clean them, when I have a lot of energy and I know I can get the job done. I will do them in stages and take little breaks in between.

My nose is still plugged up and I can't blow it now. Everything is stuck. It causes me to talk funny. My throat is slighty sore and hoarse, and my chest is rattly, but it doesn't hurt thanks to the codeine. I know that in a few days I will feel a lot better. I'm already glad that I'm able to do chores so much easier and that I'm not just lying on the sofa being sick. That's a great relief to me.

Lately I've been having regular crises over the value of the purpose of my existence. I very much miss having a reason to go on living for other than Tyke, and before that it was Jesker. I think of how tough it has been to survive this past winter and how very much I don't want to have another winter like it and that I'm not happy with the prospect that I'm going to have winters like that for the rest of my life. I wonder about the true purpose of my life and what it really is all about and I don't see much reason for it, other than to just get up in the morning and somehow make the best of it until I go to sleep. It doesn't seem like a very fruitful and useful life.

I wish there were an option to step out of your life when you think it has been enough. That you've lived the life you've wanted to live and that you don't see much purpose in going on living. When the negatives of life outweigh the positives and there's not enough happiness left in it. I find myself in that position now and I very gladly would have followed Jesker into his eternal sleep. I'm quite envious of him to have died such a peaceful death. Just one little injection of sleep medication is all it took.

Well, that's all I have to say about the subject for now. I'm sure I'll talk more about it later. It's open for discussion.

Ciao,
Nora

Silly Woman!

After having written my cheerful post, and at 6 o'clock this morning, I got dressed and very optimistically took Tyke for a walk. We had been cooped up inside for a few days, after all, and it was time we got out. I thought I felt well enough to do it, so I was more than willing to go and when Tyke saw me get my hiking boots on, he was more than willing to go too.

We didn't go very far. I didn't want to push my luck, it being my first outing since I got sick, and we walked for only twenty minutes or so. Imagine my surprise when I was completely out of breath when we got home and I didn't feel so good. My chest hurt and I had a pain between my shoulder blades. I took off my hiking boots and laid down on the sofa to rest and catch my breath, but I stayed out of breath and the pain didn't go away. I was mighty uncomfortable.

Finally, at 8:30, I called the doctor's office and told the nurse what my problem was and she told me to come in at 9 o'clock. I went over there when it was time, which is only a 5 minute walk away from here, and soon saw my doctor. He listened to my lungs and said that I had a lower airway infection. He prescribed an antibiotic and paracetamol with codeine for the pain. I had the nurse fax the prescription to the pharmacy and the Exfactor is going to pick it up for me on the way over here.

I had so many plans for today. I wanted to take Tyke for several walks and I wanted to do some chores, but now I know that I'm unable to do those things, because the least little thing causes me to be completely out of breath and it hurts. I will have to be dependent on the Exfactor to get some things done around here and maybe walk Tyke one more time.

It sure is a bummer. I have to use up all the medication and if I'm not better then, I have to go see the doctor again. I was so upbeat this morning, because I thought I was getting better, but now I'm looking at a longer recuperation time. Of course, with the antibiotic I will get better fast. I just don't want to get down because of this. I do want to keep my mood up and it's not really good if I am forced to be so inactive. Physical health and mental health go hand in hand.

So, it's a good thing I went to see the doctor, otherwise I would have walked around with this forever. Now I'm going to lie down again and wait for the Exfactor to bring the medicines that will make me better.

Ciao,
Nora

Getting Better...

I still have a head cold and I am somewhat congested in my chest, but I really think I'm getting better. At least I don't feel like a wrung out dishrag and my body doesn't ache all over the place anymore. I think the worst of the flu is over now and that I'm mending, and I tell you, that's not a day too soon, because yesterday I became pretty disgusted with it. I saw all the things I had to do and felt my inability to do them and was very frustrated.

I also felt bad about not being able to take Tyke for a walk and now I think that is one of the first things I will do this morning. I will not go for a real long walk, but long enough for both of us to get some exercise and fresh air, which we both need, because we've both got cabin fever. It will be wonderful to be outside in the cool morning air and to stretch my legs and get some exercise after being immobile for the last few days. I think yesterday afternoon was the turning point and I started getting better from that moment on.

Now I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk after I've had my obligatory cup of coffee. I've been drinking a lot of cold milk lately, because the fruit juice made my stomach sour. The cold milk quenched my eternal thirst really well and I drank it greedily. I know it's not supposed to be the thing to drink when you have a cold because of the mucous build up, but it doesn't seem to hurt me and it sure has quenched my thirst these past days. I've never been so thirsty and the fruit juice upset my stomach.

I have drank very little coffee, just a cup now and then, and I haven't missed it very much. I certainly did not go through withdrawal symptoms. I thought about drinking tea, but for some reason tea doesn't seem to settle in my stomach well and I don't know if that is because I take sugar in it. I have to try it without the sugar sometime.

While I was asleep, Tyke completely tore apart the hyacinths that my sister had bought me and broke one of the pots. The soil was spread all over the place and I had to sweep it up in the middle of the night. I have to replant them later this morning and find a new pot for one of them and then place them on the windowsill in the kitchen where he can't get to them. He had no sense that he had done anything wrong when I scolded him, so that was an exercise in futility. He was very curious when I cleaned everything up.

The hyacinths themselves are okay. He didn't bite them to pieces. I suppose this is what life is like with a pubertal dog. There will be another year of this before he has completely outgrown this kind of behavior. I have to have an awful lot of wits and patience in the meantime. A dog like that dares you to love him in spite of everything. And you do.

In comparison, it's so much easier to have cats, although they have a tendency to shred your furniture, but they usually stick to one piece. They do it no matter how many scratching posts you have. They are very good at ignoring those, even if they are quite appealing. I'm afraid to get a new sofa, or I should say, the sofa of my choice, because of what Gandhi will do to it. I think I will not get a new sofa until I have no more cats. That should be in another 6 years or so. I hope my sofa lasts that long.

Having been sick, and nearly being over it, sure makes me appreciate my health very much. I can't wait to start doing some ordinary things like hanging up the laundry to dry. That was still impossible yesterday, but I think I can manage it today. I won't be able to hang it outside, because we're expecting rain, even though the temperature is going to be nice at 9C. That would be warm enough to dry the laundry.

We're expecting rain for the next few days and it really doesn't bother me that much, as long as it's not cold and it doesn't turn into snow. There's no chance of that, however. I think we've left all of that behind us. I keep focusing on the idea that we're moving towards spring now and that nothing can stop that movement. It's the law of nature.

Tyke is very innocently sleeping by my feet. You'd think he'd never done a bad thing in his life, that he was the best puppy ever, that's how adorable he looks, all rolled up in a ball. Puppies look adorable so we forgive them their evil deeds. It works the same way with little kids. We love our children in spite of the fact that they drive us nuts, because they are so adorable. We don't understand that other people think our children are spoiled brats. Luckily, they get over this stage and turn into normal children.

Okay. I'm going to do some useful things now. I think I'll sweep the junk room and find a bag to put the cat litter bag in to. More and more cat litter is spilling out. I hope I'm not being overly optimistic as to my capacity to do things. I do so want to get the show on the road. And you know what they say: where there's a will, there's a way!

Ciao,
Nora

The flu, part two.

I just woke up from a long afternoon nap on the sofa and it seems to have done me some good, except that I've woken up with a very sore throat, but I can live with that. I do feel like eating a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and I don't have any of that handy, so that is kind of sad. I'm drinking a cup of coffee now and will have a cold glass of milk next. I just didn't want to neglect my caffeine intake. I'm still plugged up and it feels like there's an elephant sitting on my chest and I generally feel like a wet dishrag, but I do feel a bit better. I think that nap was good for me and helped me feel better.

I'm afraid that Tyke is becoming awfully bored with me, because except for cuddling and petting him, I'm not much fun to him right now. I don't do anything interesting, because I just don't have the power to. It wears me out to do anything exhausting. He has his toys and Gandhi and they do play together and this morning they were galloping through the apartment like half broke horses. I was afraid of the furniture getting smashed. This was after I caught him chewing on the remote control of the TV, which now only partially works. Oh well... Every once in a while he drags one of my shoes out and I've been able to catch him on time every time. So there are no casualties there yet.

The weather was great today, but, of course, I didn't get to enjoy it. It was 10 degrees Celsius outside and that's practically springtime weather. I did stand by the back door on occasion when I let Tyke out back and felt how nice it was. I do dare think that winter is over now and that we are on our way to spring.

In the meantime, I keep watching the Olympics and have the TV tuned to it almost non stop. I watch whatever they show, even ice hockey. In a half delirium I watch Canada play Russia and I can't keep track of where the puck is, because it moves so quickly across the ice. What I really like to watch is the new sport called Ski Cross. That's so much fun. I could watch that for hours. I do fall asleep while watching the TV and wake up at odd hours, but it doesn't matter if it's night or day, I just sleep whenever, though I do sleep more at night, I think. It must be habit.

While all of this is going on, our government has fallen and we will have new elections on June the 9th. We're all very curious to see which parties are now going to gain the most followers and the most votes. The city council elections are in March and will be a good reflection of the political climate. Of course, political campaigning is going on like crazy. It started the minute the government fell. Everybody climbed on their platform and soapbox quickly. I've never heard such a bunch of nonsense being propagated. Where in the world do they get their screwed up ideas? They must be desperate to talk in sound bites to get on TV and not think about what they're saying. There are many loads of bullshit heard, mostly pronounced by semi-muscular he-man lilliputians. I am glad, though, that I get to vote for the party of my choice twice. Voting is such a privilege.

The Exfactor is coming here tomorrow to get some groceries for me and to walk Tyke and to help me clean up the apartment a bit. Well, help me? I won't do much. My sister is so sweet. She came by with two potted hyacinths today because I am sick. I've set them on the windowsill and will watch them grow and bloom.

Have a great evening! I've got to watch the Olympics.

Ciao,
Nora