At ease now, woman.

I'm slowing down, I really am, honest to God I am. I have just done two more things. I have downloaded my photographs and I have changed email programs, because the one I was using was refusing to send out emails and I could not answer any of yours, which was very frustrating. As it is now, I still can't answer any of those earlier emails, because they are stuck in the wrong email program, so you'll just have to send me another email or comment, so you can get a reply from me. I know you really don't mind doing that, because you're all such wonderful people who will do me that favor.

I should have been in bed already, but I've decided to unwind right here with a cup of decaf and a cigarette and my almost quiet dog by my side. I feel really tired now and it feels good and I look forward to going to bed and falling asleep with my book in my hands, providing the dog is quiet at last. It will be good to lie down with my aching body and my tired head and read until I fall asleep, which should not take too long.

--------------------

I tried to turn the computer off, but when I did, it said, "Do not turn off the computer, installing 1 of 81 updates." My goodness, that computer had been in that box for a long time, practically from the time it was bought. I had already been able to tell that it had not really been used and the receipts for everything were still in the box. I knew it was going to take a while for all those updates to download, so I took my medicines and put on my nathrobe and my slippers and made myself comfortable in my chair with a cup of decaf and in a very relaxed and meditative way, watched 81 updates being downloaded. You will think this is very boring, but it actually gave me a time out to relax and contemplate my navel and watch the numbers slowly dwindle down. I had a very pleasant and enjoyable time doing nothing but watching the numbers count down and it took a while too. I was not bored for one minute. but did nod off every once in a while.

When it was finished downloading the updates, it had to configure them, which took another while, but I had patience. After that, I downloaded the free AVG virus scanner and disinstalled the one that was in there. I also added the CCleaner for cleaning up superfluous messes. Run that through your computer every once in a while.

I'm now going to add the email addresses to my email program, because I'm still awake and it is in the wee hours of the night and I do like being awake then as you all know. I'm feeling very relaxed and mellow and oh so pleasantly pleased with myself. I figure I'll sleep tomorrow morning if I need to. It's too cozy now to go to bed.

Send me comments and emails, please. I do want to know if this email program is working. I'm assuming it is, but I won't believe it until I get actual mail.

Have a good morning when you wake up. I'm still typing this without the proper spell check.

Ciao,
Irene

Frazzled...

I got the day started right. I swept some floors, did some dishes, did some laundry, walked the dog, threw out some dying plants, in other words, I made myself useful and I would have kept right on doing that if my old neighbor from upstairs, who has now moved out, hadn't offered me an almost brand new computer with Windows Vista installed in it. Everything, the mouse the keyboard, the flat screen, the works. It came in a big box and all I had to do was set it up.

I considered not doing that, but continuing using my own computer until it died, but in the end I couldn't resist the temptation and wanted to install the new computer. So, I had to dismantle my old computer first, and in the process disentangle all the wires and clean up all the dust and the top of the desk, which was a mess, but is now very clean and all the knick knacks have been put away in a cabinet.

Then I had to figure out how to put together the new computer, like where all the wires and cables went and I was slightly worried that I would put things in the wrong place and got cold feet half way through the process. I called the Exfactor, but he said he was not available until Monday, so I had to finish the job myself. And I did, though I was stumped at one point when I had connected everything and the darn thing didn't work. I sat and thought about that for a long time and then realized that I hadn't pushed the on button and that's why the flat screen said it got no signal. And I was trying to come up with all sorts of complicated solutions.

Of course, I had to add all sorts of things once I had it up and running and I'm not done yet. I still have to add email addresses and a few programs, like for my digital camera, but I've installed a bunch of things. I also had to get all my favorites bookmarked and get Mozilla Firefox installed as my browser and add the colorful tabs. For some reason, it doesn't recognize English as my preferred language and wants to spell check everything in Dutch. On Facebook also. It's a Dutch computer. I have to do something about that. I think I can change that under preferences.

I spent all afternoon messing with that thing and I'm not done yet. I will continue tomorrow. The email program is not working right. The out going emails are not going out. So if you don't hear from me...you will know why. I haven't installed my photographs. So there may not be any pretty image to go with this post, unless I find something in the samples in the image program. Or unless I'm a stubborn fool and install the photographs tonight. I'll have rectangular eyes from looking at the screen and a frazzled brain.

Tell me you do things like this too. That you get so wrapped up in a project that you almost forget everything around you and that you know of no stopping until it's done. Tell me I'm not the only one who does this.

Tyke has been barking on and off at the dark window for about an hour now. I keep walking over there with him to see what's there but there is nothing. But he is fixated and keeps barking. He is very tense and alert and reacts to every sound. I don't know what's got into him. He must think he is a verocious guard dog, but I don't think the neighbors will appreciate it.

Okay, that's it for me now. I'll see what other kind of trouble I can get into. I'm awfully tred, though, and I shouldn't do too much more.

Have a good evening. Come have a nightcap with me.

Ciao,
Nora

Another early morning post.

I woke up to a cracking sound and found out that Tyke was demolishing my plastic cigarette case that I had left lying on the bookcase by my bed. I suppose he got bored during the night and decided to give that a go. When I called him on it, he gave me a very innocent look and wagged his tail, as if to say, "I'm just a cute little puppy." A while later I found him gnawing on a huge bone that I had bought for Jesker one time, but that Jesker had showed no interest in. Tyke thought he'd died and gone to heaven and was afraid I was going to take that away from him too. I have no idea where he found it, but I wish he'd found it before he started on my cigarette case. He is now very sweetly asleep by my feet, worn out from this night's adventures.

I slept in my bed after I safeguarded the bedroom, or so I thought. It was pleasant to sleep in my bed, because there's a little bit more room than there is on the sofa, but I didn't sleep longer there than I do on the sofa. Doubtlessly that was because of Tyke's interruption. I have to buy another one of those really big bones and see if that will keep him happy for the night.

I'm trying to read my book, "The Pilot's Wife." I like it so far, but I manage to fall asleep after reading just 10 pages or so, or when Tyke decides to lie down on top of it for some quality time together. When I slept on the sofa, I didn't read at all, but fell asleep with the TV on. I need to get some of my old routine back now that the Olympics are over and I don't have to watch sport's events at all hours of the night.

I managed to do laundry last night. I had one load of laundry in the machine that I had to hang up and dry and it consisted of tops and sweaters and leggings. I hung up the sweaters to dry on hangers on the shower curtain rail and pulled most of the wrinkles out. Hopefully I don't have to iron them when they are dry. I had a dry load of sheets and towels to fold and one load of laundry to put in the machine and another load to put in today or as soon as there is room on the drying rack. I can't hang any laundry outside, because there's rain and wet snow predicted. That is the problem of trying to get laundry done in the wintertime. It takes forever to get it dry and it slows down the rate at which you can get it done. That's when I really wish for a tumble dryer.

I have a sink full of dishes to do that accumulate while I'm not looking. Suddenly they are there, stacked up on the kitchen counter, and I don't know where they came from. You'd think I'd hardly use a dish, living on my own. There are always many coffee cups and teaspoons and the lack of clean ones makes me realize that I need to do the dishes. I would also very much like a compact dishwasher. Just big enough for a one person household. You see how I need my conveniences. I'm all for making my life as easy as possible, but then I was used to having these things and I feel rather primitive having to do without them. I'll never get used to that. That equally goes for going grocery shopping without the convenience of a car.

I'm sitting here in my big bathrobe and the thermometer was set at 20C, but it's cold in here, so I've just turned it up higher. I don't think I'm supposed to sit here with cold hands and shiver. The radiator next to me is nice and hot now and I can feel the warmth emanating from it. It's very pleasant and like sitting by a hot stove. It does make me wish for a fireplace and a crackling wood fire.

Since today is Saturday, I will take advantage of the "free" day and do odd jobs around the apartment. I will try and not do anything structured and make it look like real work. I will just do whatever pops into my head. Pleasure first, drudgery last. I hope I will be able to go for walks with Tyke in spite of the rain that is predicted. Hopefully they will only be showers and not non-stop drizzle and down pours. It's not going to be very warm and there will be a cold wind blowing from the north east. That's from the cold part of the world, above Russia. It is my most sincere wish that the weather forecasters totally get it wrong today. I will have to wear an extra top under my sweater. At least my footwear will be good.

I will feed Tyke and get dressed and take my medicines and then take Tyke for a walk before the weather turns bad. It is still dry now and there's no wind yet. The world is very silent out there. I don't hear a thing. Silence is a very valuable commodity. I can't get enough of it.

Have a nice day. I hope your weather will be good.

Ciao,
Nora

Down the road...

Tyke and I went to the vet this afternoon to have him look at Tyke´s inflamed tear gland one more time. We had said that I would try the ointments for 5 days to try and get the swelling and inflammation down and then come back. The ointments hadn't worked and his eye looked just as bad, so today I made an appointment to have the tear gland removed. It will be done Monday afternoon and Tyke can't eat anything all day, so I have to make sure nothing edible lies around. I think that would include any old chewed up rawhide sticks, because he does have a tendency to swallow the soft pieces. I will be glad to get it done, because his poor eye looks terribly vulnerable now with that swollen tear gland sticking out. I´m afraid a cat will stick his or her claws in it. Tyke likes going to the vet, because nothing unpleasant has ever happened to him there yet and he gets treats. I wonder how he will feel after Monday.

We also mailed the card to my uncle and went home in a round about way, which Tyke liked because it took us on a path that we had not gone on before. Needless to say, he was quite excited and peed on every tree and bush. The hard part is keeping him away from semi-edible things that people have dropped in the gutter. He finds those so quickly and I have to be one step ahead of him. He still lets me take things out of his mouth, but I don´t know how long that is going to last. He´s so cute, though, when he runs ahead of me as far as the roll out leash allows. His little legs go so quick and he´s like a little kid gone wild.

I took a nap later in the afternoon and Tyke slept by my side. He didn´t seem to be interested to get into any sort of trouble, though I had just swept up all the little bits and pieces of various bits of carton that he had destroyed. I sometimes let him go ahead and make a big mess to get it out of his system. So, I had a nice nap and woke up quite refreshed. I made myself a cup of coffee and cuddled with Tyke, who will react to you very lovable if you say certain things to him in a certain tone of voice. You get many kisses then and he is all over you. So, every once in a while I do that to get my share of loving in.

I´ve solved the problem of what to wear by just putting on leggings and a pair of jeans and a sweater and by wearing my hiking boots. It´s very uncomplicated and I have many leggings that I can change whenever the need arises. The same with the sweaters. This way I don´t have to think about what to wear and what goes together and if I look good enough and fashionable. I really don´t give a hoot. The jeans are comfortable and so are the sweaters and I don´t have to worry about getting dirty. I wear a scarf and my leather jacket over everything when I go out and my outfit is complete and easily put together. A pair of gloves when it is freezing and I´m done. I´m still not wearing make up and I´m not planning on it in the near future. Maybe some day I will again, but I´m not in the mood for it now. It´s too fussy.

I´m very happy that it´s the weekend. In spite of everything, I do enjoy those days off as though they are a little mini break from my responsibilities, few as they really are. During the week I always feel a lot of pressure to do everything right and on the weekends I feel that I can relax and be a bit more at ease about things, because they are not official work days. The week days loom like large dark clouds on the horizon every morning and I wonder what the day will bring and what surprises it will have in store for me. I feel that I have to be on guard and I can drop that guard on the weekends and just enjoy myself. I´m sure it is that way for everybody and you all feel that relief and, after all, that´s what weekends are for. I remember when I had to go to school on Saturday mornings and my father had to go to work. We weren´t quite as enlightened then.

I´m waiting for the pharmacy delivery person to drop off some medication before I can take Tyke for a walk. I noticed just on time that I was almost out of antidepressants. I thought I had two more boxes, but that turned out not to be the case and I would have run out this weekend and that would have been really rough. You get hallucinations if you suddenly stop those. Talk about powerful medicine.

It was supposed to have started raining, but so far it is dry and it doesn´t look like rain yet. More often than not, the weather forecasters get it wrong for our little area of the country. We seem to have our own unique climate that doesn´t match the rest of the country and that is hard to predict. The forecast on the browser is constantly changing, from rain to sun to partly cloudy to sun again. It´s unpredictable. It says that it´s supposed to rain all day tomorrow, but by tomorrow it may say partly cloudy or occasional showers. You basically have to look out the window and see for yourself what kind of weather it is and what the sky looks like.

I´ve eaten dinner early and am more than full. I was completely off schedule today. Sometimes that happens and I eat when I get hungry and not when the clock dictates it. I usually eat two meals a day and that is more than enough. That makes me feel very full. Tyke eats twice a day too and I´ve found out now that if I just let him be and give him the time, he really does eat all of his food in his bowl. He just does it in stages in between all his puppy things. So I don´t worry about it anymore. He makes sure the cats don´t eat his food, that´s important. I don´t want the cats getting fat on his food. This puppy chow seems to have a special appeal to them.

The chairperson of the Socialist Party gave up her position because her party did so badly in the nationwide city council elections. Frankly, although this is not my party anymore, I think she is right to go, because I thought she was wrong for the job. She was too bitchy and not at all charismatic, which you do have to be in order to lead a political party. We have elections coming up on June the 9th and it was feared that the Socialist party would lose a lot of voters with her as leader of the party. They are hard at work to find a worthy replacement for her now and I´m looking forward to see the result of their search. Politics, man, it is exciting. The party I´m voting for has a very charismatic, feminist, ecological and equal rights warrior as leader and I like her very well. She is smart! I want to be just like her when I grow up.

Well, I´ll hang up now. It´s been a long story. Have a good evening and enjoy your Friday night.

Ciao,
Nora

See what I do...

I just got news that my favorite aunt has died at the age of 64, quite unexpectedly in her sleep last night. I am trying to let this news sink in, but somehow it seems very unreal and I think I am not at all comprehending it and that it will take some time to become reality to me. I've called both my sisters to let them know and they were equally incredulous. I will slowly let it dawn on me that this has really happened and deal with it, though it has come as a shock to me and I can't believe it. I think about her husband and what a hell of a hard time he must be having right now.

They were in the process of moving to a new apartment and were just hanging up the light fixtures and my aunt had just written the change of address cards. There's great irony in this and I wonder why her death came now, at this particular time of all things? Why was she not supposed to live in her new place? Why does my uncle have to go there on his own now? I believe in fate and that things happen for a reason and there must be a reason for this. What is she being spared off? She was very unhappy of late and I think she was depressed, though she tried not to be and kept trying to put on a sunny face, though the signs were everywhere. We talked a lot about that, because she knew I understood her feelings. We were very close.

I had planned today as a mental health day and that is what it certainly is going to be now. I was going to do only pleasurable things for me and Tyke and not worry about anything. Now I will do that, but also spend it in some quiet contemplation and reflect on life and death and the spirit of life that continues to exist after death and goes I don't know where, but some place where they all gather. Death is only sad for the people who stay behind. For the bereft. We have to do without the object of our love and are left with an empty space that we have to fill with something else.

On a different note. I have managed to cut down my antipsychotics from 6 mg to 4 mg, and my tranquilizers from 80 mg to 60 mg. There are no adverse effects. I feel fine. I was not expecting any problems and I'm not having any problems. Maybe that's the secret.

I'm going to write a card of condolences now and put it in the mail while I walk Tyke. I hope I find the right words.

Ciao,
Nora

Not moving yet.

I find myself delaying moving from this chair until the Exfactor gets here. There's an unwillingness to get myself involved in my daily activities and I want to ignore all of them and pretend they don't exist. Just for now I can't handle facing them on my own and I need another body here to help soften the blow. I know what is ahead of me and I don't want to face it. Instead I sit here and find excuses not to move my butt and to smoke another cigarette and to have another cup of coffee. I know I can't endlessly delay the inevitable and I'm just buying myself time now, but it feels like a stay of execution and every minute counts as one more lived through without terror.

I didn't take my antipsychotic pill this morning and I don't feel bad for not having taken it. I don't miss not having taken it. I plan on taking 2 tonight instead of the 3 I take during the day. That will mean that I'm back to my original dose and my original schedule. They make you sleepy, so it's good to take them at night. The amount of anxiety I feel now is the same I've been feeling for these past few days and it is about the same things. Taking care of things that I'm afraid to face. That I think will overwhelm me and that I'm not capable of taking care of properly. I don't have enough faith in myself.

It is hard to live with the fact that I scare so easily. That I'm afraid to open an envelope of which I can anticipate the contents. I scare myself half to death with the very idea of what's inside it and am unwilling to open it to see the truth. Behind every formal piece of paper I see unkind bureaucrats who don't give a hoot about me and my fears and who only want me to produce the proper papers and answers to their questions or else... I feel the sword of Damocles hang over me.

So I postpone and buy myself time until the moment arrives that I can deal with it and right now I've decided that it is when the Exfactor is here so I won't be alone when I read what's expected of me. Being cowardly is a very tough thing to be, because it makes you dependent on other people and their kindness towards you. They can decide not to show up and not to be kind and helpful and you just have to hope for the best. You carefully balance all your well laid plans and schemes to get yourself through the coming days. There's always a tomorrow, but sometimes tomorrow is too late.

I wish I had courage and I do at times have great courage, but it seems to desert me now. I'm completely intimidated by my life. Or some of the aspects of it. The interference of it from the outside and the expectations of it from other people. But also the basic things such as taking care of details properly. Doing groceries should not be that hard, but to me it's like being asked to move a mountain. Getting dressed propperly should not be that difficult, but I find it a chore and one that I put off until there is no other choice. It confuses me to no end. Choosing what to wear is hard.

I want you to know that as I'm writing this, I'm completely in my right mind. I'm not panicking or running amok. I'm just clearly stating the facts. As a matter of fact, I'm very calm, but worn out from worrying. I just called the Exfactor to make sure he's going to be here and he is, so that's a relief. He said for me to start making a shopping list. I'm glad he's such a dependable person. I need about three of him in my life. I should have three husbands all living in their own houses, but all performing some task in my life, the least of which would be to provide me with love.

I'm going to clean up the kitchen now. It is a bit of a debacle, if a kitchen can be called that. It's for me to wonder how it gets that way. Mysteries to be solved, like the bathroom that is always in a state of disaster. Too many clothes and too many boots. Not enough organization.

Ciao,
Nora