A brand new day.

I'm just finishing my first cup of coffee and trying to properly wake up. I'm convincing myself that I am awake enough to write this post, that I have to in order to get my mind functioning well. I am sure there is some truth to that. I was so befuddled when I woke up, that I thought I would never think straight again. Instead of thinking that this was a mood, though, I realized that it was a temporary condition that would wear off as I woke up more and got my mind together, and that all the things I was worrying about would disappear as soon as I was released from my temporary state of mind. I have to have faith in myself and sometimes I am mighty short of that.

So, I'm not going to take anything too seriously right now and just let things be and not pay too much attention to them. I'll have another look at them in an hour or so when I have settled down more. In the meantime I can have another cup of coffee and enjoy the quietness of the morning, because Tyke is asleep by my feet and the cats are otherwise occupied.

Several times during the night Tyke climbed on top of me and licked my face and settled down to sleep there. He is quite heavy when you have him lying on your chest, but I didn't want to move him, because I found it very endearing. I just had to remember to breathe, but I did go back to sleep each time. In between those episodes, there were cats lying on top of me, but they were much lighter, I hardly noticed them. I am glad that I am so popular with the animals, at least as an object to lie down on. They probably love me too, but have an awkward way of showing it sometimes.

I tried to sleep in my bed last night, but for Tyke it was just an opportunity to explore the bedroom and get into all the things I had not thought of moving up higher on the bookcases. Every time I got up and moved the next thing, he found something else that was equally interesting. I finally gave up and moved to the sofa. Today I will have to move things in the bedroom and make it full proof so that there's nothing left for him to get into. He's surprisingly innovative, though, and can get to things that I think are impossible to get to. Well, I never did say that I wanted a dull dog, did I?

He's supposed to be eating his breakfast now, but is continually distracted by the world around him and, because I'm not sitting there with him, it's going to take him forever to finish what's in his bowl. I don't feel like sitting there with him until he's done. I think he needs to be able to eat on his own. Right now what motivates him is the chance that a cat may try to eat from his bowl, especially Toby. He minds it less if Gandhi does it, but it still will get him to eat... Well, I just gave in and sat with him and got him to eat some more, but I put the rest back in the bag, because he was not interested. He does have to know that there's a limited time he can eat in. He ate about half of it. Maybe that was enough.

Today is his birthday. He is one year old. Too bad he wouldn't know why he got a cupcake with a candle on it. To him it's just a day like any other day and I can't sing 'Happy Birthday' to him, because he won't have a clue.

All this talk about Tyke would have you think that he's somebody important in my life. I guess you would be right, because things do revolve around him right now. He's such a little ball of life and busyness that it's hard to ignore him.

The Exfactor is supposed to come by today and that will be very nice, as I'm out of supplies and I need someone to do groceries for me. My sister is working this week and is leaving for Italy for a week on Saturday, so I'm on my own. This is one of the reasons why I'm so nervous. I have some administrative work to take care of also and I'm not looking forward to it. It has to do with taxes and who ever liked taking care of that? It gives me a stomachache just thinking about it. I find it very difficult to take care of these things and can't bear the responsibility. I find it hard enough to take care of the day to day living. I really need someone beside me to take care of these things. Sometimes it's very difficult to be single.

Well, I suppose I'm wide awake now, so there's no more dawdling to be done. I must get the show on the road. I will look at my paperwork first.

Have a good stress free day. May all the Gods be kind to you.

Ciao,
Nora

On top of the world...

I'm having a very sleepy day. Each time I get up and think I'm done sleeping, it turns out I'm wrong and I have to go back to the sofa and sleep a few more hours and that is how I've been passing the time today. No cup of coffee has helped me get over it yet and I don't want to drink too much coffee, so I've switched to drinking cold milk. Tyke has been very accommodating and only wrecked the plant on the coffee table while I was asleep. That's the most damage he's done in all those hours and I couldn't even get mad about it. It wasn't his fault that he was left unsupervised and bored to tears.

I'm trying to pull myself together now, but I'm still sitting here in my pajamas and bathrobe and I don't know when I'll get dressed or if I'll get dressed. If I hadn't just been sick, I'd say I was getting sick, but I know I'm not. It's purely psychological, this tiredness. Maybe it is in reaction to the excitement I've been feeling at the prospect of me quitting my medication and that playing such a large role in my life these past few days. The thought has consumed me.

I'm also looking a lot at my feelings and emotions and behavior and deciding what is within the range of 'normal' and what could be labeled as pathological, or what could actually be a side effect of all the drugs I take. I've decided that a lot of it is 'normal' and that I'm not as far off course as I think I am. Certain feelings disappear quickly if I don't put a label on them. Like snow for the sun. It's the labeling that makes them important and pathological. It makes me look crazier than I am. It's something that I can change right now this minute.

The drugs I take have so many side effects that it's not even funny. If you read about the side effects, you would think long and hard before taking them, and taking them in combination with each other too. It's really no wonder that I have such altering moods during the day and that I have anxiety attacks and that I'm so tired so often and that I basically lack a personality.

Well, that's enough about that for now. It does rile me up.

The sun has been shining all day as far as I know. There's a bright blue sky and it's 5C. It's warm inside the living room because the sun shines right into the windows, which is nice in the wintertime, but not so nice in the summertime when it's hot. Oh look, I'm complaining about the summertime and it's not even spring yet.

I'm going to get dressed and walk the dog. The poor animal does have to go out once in a while.

Have a happy day.

Ciao,
Nora

High definition...

I went for a long walk with Tyke this morning, but that is the total of my accomplishments so far. When we came back, I laid down on the sofa and took a long nap. Doubtlessly to finish the sleep that I didn't get when I got up too early this morning. When you get up at 4 am, you're not really done sleeping yet, I must remember that. It shouldn't come as a surprise when you need to go back to sleep after you've taken your dog for a long walk and you suddenly feel awfully wiped out. Emotionally as well as physically.

I'm in the process now of rejoining the living with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. I think it is going to take more then one cup of coffee, though. I need to clear my mind of the cobwebs of sleep. I did get dressed with care this morning. I am wearing my jeans, like I said I would, and I'm wearing a black long sleeved tunic over it. It has a deep V-neck, so under it I'm wearing an apple green tank top. I'm also wearing a green necklace and my black ankle boots. So well put together am I. If I just had the body to go with it, it would be perfect. As it is, I'm bulging. Well, never mind. I do have other things I can concern myself with and I know the weight will come off once I am off my medications.

I have an hour to kill until I have to leave for my appointment with my SPN. If I dawdle over this post that should take up an hour. I also have to make new cigarettes, so that will take some time too. Of course, I can't finish this post, because I will have to let you know what my SPN said about me wanting to quit my medications. And I still have to walk the dog. So I better do all those things first. I don't like waiting for something to happen. I'm too impatient for that. I bid you adieu, until we meet again...

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Well, I'm completely wiped out from walking to my SPN's office and back and it felt like my toes were going to drop off because of the boots I was wearing. The next time I'm not going to be vain and wear my hiking boots and not fashionable boots with pointy toes.

My appointment went fine and was not in the least bit negative. My SPN was not at all against the idea of my quitting my medication. She just wanted to know my motivation for doing so and I told her. But everything was fine and we're having an appointment about it with my psychiatrist on the 10th and I don't expect any problems.

I need to eat now and go lie down for a bit. I am exhausted. I guess I'm not quite over being sick yet. I don't have my stamina back anyway.

Ciao,
Nora

Stumbling and fumbling...

I had a pan of noodles on the stove and fell sleep sitting in the corner of the sofa. Some time later I woke up to the smoke alarm. At first I couldn't figure out what was wrong, but I did smell something funny. It took me a minute to figure out that it was the pan of noodles, now burned to a crisp. I opened the kitchen window and the back door and reset the smoke alarm and slowly the fumes left the apartment. It's a shame about those noodles and I won't be able to save that pan, but at least the apartment didn't burn down. We call that 'lucky while being unlucky.' I should have nuked the noodles. They wouldn't have burned. Oh well...

Now I'm sitting here half awake, unable to go back to sleep because of the excitement of it all and slightly hungry. I need to figure out what I'm going to eat instead. There's not that much choice, because I'm not going food shopping until tomorrow afternoon. I'm having a glass of fruit juice for the energy and I can have a bowl of tomato soup later, but I feel like eating short bread cookies. Fat chance! Visions of sugar plums...

Good, the fruit juice is working and now I'm having another glass of it. I'm practically becoming a human being again. I was just beginning to wonder if the gas station would be open so I could buy some chocolate and cookies, but I think I'll live now. A disaster has been averted.

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Of course, I ended up going to sleep after I wrote the above, because I was really keeling over with tiredness. I was just too stubborn to admit it. I was trying to artificially keep myself awake by thinking that if I just ate something, it would pep me up and I would be okay. Common sense prevailed, or should I say, my closing eyelids?

I'm having a cup of coffee with the last bit of milk that I have left. From now on it is artificial creamer. That's not something I look forward to, but at least I've not run out of coffee. That would have been really bad. I bought three bags of pads the last time I went shopping, just in case, and I think I will do that again today. Oh, I have to remember to buy vinegar to clean the Senseo machine. It's high time, because it's not giving me a full cup of coffee. There's hard water deposit in it. Pledge and vinegar, that's what I need to get.

I have an appointment with my SPN today and I had sent her an email explaining to her my intention to quit taking my medications. I know she read the email, because she told me so when she called me yesterday to change the time of the appointment. She didn't say anything about it other than that we would discuss it today, but I do have a feeling of apprehension as though I'm going to have some heavy explaining to do and convincing. But I know I'm also a tough cookie and that once I make up my mind about something, it is hard to change it and I will maintain my right to do what I think is best. I do hope that I'm not going to run into all sorts of resistance, but I'm ready to deal with it. I hope for co-operation.

Well, here I am worrying ahead of time about attitudes that I don't know a thing about. I'm anticipating all sorts of problems that I may not even run into. So I better put my mind at rest and think about something totally different, like, what am I going to wear today? I was thinking about wearing jeans, but I do have to find a nice top to go with them. I so very rarely wear jeans, but I saw them laying there yesterday and thought I might try them on today (with a belt, of course). It means having a good look in my closet for once. I haven't done that in a while. Lord only knows what I'll find. It will be a regular expedition.

Okay, on that happy note I'll leave you. I wish you all a good morning and a happy day!

Ciao,
Nora

Rambling...

I cleaned up the dining table. There were about 6 stacks of envelopes and magazines and other assorted bits of paper laying there and I looked through all of them and made a decision about each item. Do I pay it, file it, save it for later or chuck it? Faster than I would have guessed, I was all done and I even had time to fill in a long consumer questionnaire with the cute little pencil that the company had provided. I stuck it in the envelope that needed no stamp and will mail it when I walk Tyke next. Maybe I will get a nice assortment of products like I did the last time I filled in a questionnaire. That was really my motivation, you know! I like freebies.

I am now looking at my sofa cushions and realize that I need to take the covers off all of them and put them in the washing machine and run them through a good 40 degree cycle. That will freshen them up a bit. It is a job I will do tomorrow I think, because it's too late in the afternoon to do it now. I get my brilliant ideas too late in the day, which makes me wonder where the yellow fleece blanket is. I must have chucked it in the laundry basket already.

This morning I was bent over petting the dog when a drop of blood fell on him and I realized that I was spontaneously having a nose bleed. Luckily, I had a paper towel handy and held that to my nose immediately and pinched it until it stopped bleeding. It must be because I had that cold and my nose got tender from it. I have no other explanation.

I switched four plants around in the living room and changed the pots of some of them too. The prayer plant was dying because I had over watered it. I took it out of the pot it was in, because I could never check the water level well, and put it in an enamel bowl on the plant stand. I put the fig plant where the prayer plant used to be and took off the dead leaves and saw where there were new leaves growing. I put the plant with the dainty leaves, that used to be on the plant stand, in a big pot and placed it on the coffee table where there is a lot of room for it. I cut off all the straggly ends. Then I took one of the philodendrons and moved it from the little cabinet to the dresser where the fig plant used to be. Neither one of the philodendrons is doing well and I really need to go to the flower shop and buy two new plants.

I dusted the dining table, but after I moved all those plants, I realized that I needed to dust everywhere, but I'm out of Pledge and I want to buy a new can of it and dust properly. I love the way it smells and picks up dust and makes things shine. You don't get that with a damp cloth. So Pledge is on my shopping list.

Because Tyke is always looking out the living room windows, they are completely smudged by his wet nose. I will have to get the window cleaner out and clean those portions of the windows. It will be a never ending job, but I can get it from becoming completely out of hand. I probably should just do it once a day as a rule.

Alright, that's enough rambling. I'm going to do laundry now. It's about time that somebody does. It's piled high in the basket. I would check all the pockets if I knew there was a chance of finding money. I will only find dog poop baggies and tissues.

Ciao,
Nora

Spontaneity!

I did sleep well last night. I went to sleep early and had the sound of the TV turned down so low that I could hardly hear it, so I basically looked at the moving images until my eyes closed and I was gone. When I woke up this morning peace reigned until I started moving around and Tyke decided to assert himself by barking at Toby, who doesn't give a hoot. He then chased Gandhi around the apartment for a bit and finally settled down again to sleep some more by my feet where he is now. I would say that I'm properly awake after all that. I don't think I'm supposed to have many dull moments in my day anymore.

I'm drinking my second cup of coffee now. Yesterday evening I had to go to my sister to borrow milk, because I was all out of it and I can't drink my coffee without milk. We will probably go food shopping today. I'll have to check and see how healthy my bank account balance is. It's best not to live in complete ignorance of that, although it would be nice to assume there's always enough money there (I just checked my balance, it is healthy).

At 8:30 Tyke and I will walk to the tobacconist for our morning constitution. It will be a hurry up and stop expedition, because that's how Tyke moves through the world. He behaves alright in the shop itself, but I keep him on a short leash. I'm sure he would get into everything given the chance and tear the wrappers of the candy bars that are so invitingly displayed at the front of the counter.

I have to do paperwork that is stacked up on the dining table and first sort out the important stuff from the things that can be tossed out or filed away. It will probably leave me with very little that I actually have to do anything about. The dining table has become a catch all for all things, because it's the one place that Tyke can't get to. As long as the chairs aren't pulled out anyway. It's where I keep everything that needs to be handy and within easy reach. I used to be able to lay things on the coffee table, but that's not possible anymore. I was so used to Jesker who ignored everything around him unless it was food and even then he wouldn't touch it unless you gave it to him. He would just sit and look at it. Tyke's not the least bit like that yet.

I have to do laundry, but oh, when do I not need to do laundry? It's an ongoing project. I think my laundry multiplies in the basket. I used to enjoy doing laundry, but lately I've been completely turned off by it. Now it's a job I have to force myself to do. I have to talk myself into it. I think I really want a tumble dryer. I know that would be decadent, but it would make my life so much easier.

It's cloudy and 3C outside. It's going to be cloudy and 7C today, but no rain is expected yet. I suspect that weather wise, it will be a dull day today. It doesn't look like we're going to see any sunshine. What's a day without sunshine? Surely we need our vitamin D?

It's slowly becoming time to get the show on the road. I have to take my medicines and eat breakfast and feed Tyke his. Another cup of coffee would taste nice. I have to wash my hair, because I can't do a thing with it. I think it's time to call the hairdresser. Oh, they're not open on Mondays. I have to find a clean sweater to wear because I spilled food on the one I was wearing. I like big sweaters that hide a lot.

Have yourselves a good day. Mondays never seem that good, do they?

Ciao,
Nora