A long nap...

I took a three hour nap this evening and now, of course, I find myself wide awake, so the planning may not have been all that great. Regardless, I needed it, as I was feeling quite down and out and could think of no better solution than to go to sleep. It did make me feel better and I was in much better shape when I woke up. Now I've had one cup of coffee and one glass of milk and I'm about to have another one for the sake of my thirst. I don't quite know what to do, as a long night stretches out ahead of me and I don't feel tired now and I won't go to bed for awhile.

I've got an ache in my upper back from sitting improperly behind the computer and I'm now making an effort to sit especially straight with my body upright, so I won't slouch. This is causing the muscles in my back to ache, but it's better than getting an ache from sitting bent over sideways. You do develop bad habits when bent over the keyboard. I imagine it's just a cramp that's gotten a hold of me and I've just taken a painkiller so I can sit here comfortably. It will take awhile for it to work. In the meantime I'm figuring out the most comfortable ways to sit.

I don't know if it's such a good idea to write about my depression, because there seems to be some misunderstanding about how I should tackle it. I will just mention it casually in passing now and then and not dwell on it too much, although I have a great desire to write about it and that is one thing that this blog is all about. So, I'm feeling stifled., that's true, and I don't know if that is just. If I don't follow up on suggestions, people will say I ignore good advice. If I say I'm not capable of it, they will say that I boycott my own process at getting better.

My high tops are comfortable, except in the places where my toes are already sore from my other shoes. That's mostly on my right foot on my big toe and my little toe. They must have been pinched a lot and now I'm finding out. Still, I can walk in them fairly well and I took Tyke for a longer walk yesterday afternoon. It was overcast and 23C and not all that unpleasant to walk in. We'll go for another long walk today with the personal helper who will be here in the morning. I was making a list for her with future goals that seem unattainable right now and that will have to be put on hold. I can't, in this frame of mind, attempt any more than I'm doing and that's enough. I don't want to add anything to it.

I go from being wide awake to being half asleep. I think in a little while I will have to go to bed. I want to stay up, but I think it is impossible. Sleep will force me to the bedroom. The good thing about being awake during the night is that I don't feel half as mad as I do during the day.

Ciao,
Nora

The Blue Afternoon.

I am sitting here with a cup of coffee and my cigarettes and have just read the blogs I was behind on reading. I left comments on some and on others I didn't. I don't always know what to say. Sometimes I even think it's inappropriate to make a remark. I feel that anything I would say would be the wrong thing, because I may have missed the point of the post. I'm not all that smart all the time. I don't always understand people's most pertinent emotions, just as I'm probably not always understood myself. It's so easy to dismiss things or to trivialize them or to ignore them as not being important enough.

The simple things are always the easiest. The quick to grasp ideas that some people are very good at presenting. Things that don't need long explanations in six paragraphs or more, which is the way I write. Some people don't make long stories, but keep it short and to the point. You almost think it's a shame that they do, because you want more of them, but they said what they had to say and that's it. I like it when people ramble on a bit, because that is my own style, and some people are so pleasant to read. You want to know more. You want information. Trivial bits of knowledge.

The Exfactor was here earlier. He arrived just as my psychiatrist called, like I had asked the secretary for him to do. I took the call in the bedroom for privacy reasons, but of course the Exfactor knew something was up. I don't know if he overheard me speaking to my psychiatrist or what. The Exfactor asked me right away, when I was done, if I was not doing well and I had to answer him honestly and say that no, I wasn't. We talked about that for a bit and about what the reason was and he understood it quickly enough. He said that people shouldn't expect me to run when I'm doing a fine job walking and to be proud of the fact that I walk so well. I can only agree with him. I can run in the future when walking has become the most normal and natural thing and I've stopped falling down.

Sitting and being alone by myself has become a chore now. I no longer enjoy the silence and the solitude and try to avoid them at all cost. I try to keep myself busy, but am hard pressed for ways to do it. In a little while, I'm going to do some jobs. Really things that the domestic help should do, but I need to do some things myself. I'm even thinking about ironing, that's how bad things have gotten. It's not a frivolous chore I take on. I'm also going to change the sheets on my bed again. For luxury reasons.

I feel like listening to music and I think that I will go to Deezer and put together a play list or listen to the latest hits there. This is in an attempt to keep my mind occupied and to not dwell on other unnecessary things. The possible subjects that pop up into my head now are very negatively loaded and I'd rather not be confronted with them. They are a waste of time to think about, but I'm almost compelled to. It's a neurosis. I'm like Woody Allen in one of his movies, but maybe he's like that in real life too.

My high tops were just delivered and I will have to try them on in a while and see how comfortable they are. I'm looking forward to wearing them. I've been wearing sandals, but I don't like them very much, because little pieces of dirt and twigs get stuck between my feet and the soles of them. That's the drawback of open shoes. Sandals are funny kind of shoes anyway the way they expose your naked toes.

I can now walk Tyke and maybe that's a good idea for me to go and do. We can go for a longer walk and enjoy the dry weather. It hasn't rained all day, although it is overcast. I don't have to stay home and wait for that package anymore. I'm sure that Tyke will enjoy the exercise and it will be good for me to get out of the apartment. I mustn't turn in to a hermit.

Right, off I go into the wild blue yonder.

Ciao,
Nora

The Blues.

Here I am sitting with my third cup of coffee. I've taken my medicines and am trying to feel good, but I'm somewhat, no quite, disgusted with the outcome of the elections. My party has lost with one seat and now the Liberal Democrats are going to deliver the Prime Minister and be in charge of forming a coalition government and it can go either way, from the right to the left, it's up to them, whatever gives them a majority to rule. Of course, they'd like a government to the right, but they may not have enough partners and compromises may have to be made. That means governing with the left and that will be okay, as long as the left doesn't have to make too many concessions.

For a long time, well into the night, the race was even and it looked like it was going to be a draw. This morning I heard differently. I can't stand the sight of the leader of the Liberal Democrats and hate to think that I'm regularly going to have to see his face on television and find out what draconian measures he is going to take to "save" the Netherlands. I'm very worried and shudder at the thought of what those measures will be. He cuddles the rich and penalizes the poor. That's the kind of man he is. Since I'm the poor, I expect the worst. That's all I want to say about it now, no doubt I'll talk about it more later when the cabinet formation has been completed.

I don't know if this is the sole thing that's upsetting my equilibrium so. I'm quite out of balance and feel very uneasy. I feel as if I'm getting a little bit mad and not quite in touch with reality. I have cotton balls in my head where my brain should be and my thoughts are muffled as if I have sound absorbers in my head. That would be the cotton balls then. It can't be such a shock to my system that the Liberal Democrats have won that I'm going to go mad over it.

Of course, I haven't quite felt like my old self for the last few days. I've been a bit unbalanced and at times in the danger of being quite depressed and I've only gotten over that by being very careful with myself. I've had to be very focused on staying in the here and now and not let thoughts of other times take the overhand. Memories keep wanting to push their way to the surface and they aren't pleasant. I know I'm in trouble when this happens and I have to fight them by very much staying in the present and not pursue them when I catch myself thinking about them.

Sometimes I feel momentary despair as if I'm looking at something very scary or as if I'm reminded of something very unpleasant. It's the way my thoughts want to take a run with me now. I think this is a chemical process and that I'm fighting a physical phenomenon. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with the reality of my situation. I may as well blame the weather, which may not be that far fetched. There's a reluctance to fully participate in life and a hesitance to go outdoors, but instead to hibernate inside and to be safe inside the apartment, which is of course impossible, because I do have to walk Tyke. He will always be my saving grace.

I mustn't be quite as serious as that, though, and tell you that I do manage to get through the day alright in the end and that I do sleep well at night now. Maybe not as long as I'd like, but I don't stay up late or wake up real early. And I have to add that Tyke seems to have left his destructive days behind him and become more mellow, which is quite a relief. He ignores most temptations and seldom does anything unlawful anymore. He's not an bandit anymore.

I am managing and I am maintaining a status quo, precarious as it is sometimes. I will not be defeated by this upset. I assume everything will turn out alright again as soon as the sun comes out again from behind these rain clouds. It's just a temporary dip, most likely. I mustn't think that this is a long term downward turn.

I've got to get dressed now and walk my trusty four footer. I washed my hair and can't do a thing with it. I look like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. Like a nun.

Ciao,
Nora

Election Day!

I slept 7 hours last night. I went to sleep at 10 pm and had to go to the toilet at 1:30 am. It crossed my mind briefly to stay up, but then dismissed that as a very silly idea and went back to bed and was asleep again in a second after my head hit the pillow, so you can see what a very silly idea that had been. Can you imagine me even considering that? It's a good thing that even I have some common sense.

When I got up, I was really ready to get up and the first thing I did was turn on the computer because, god forbid, I can't miss those first few hours behind the computer. I made myself a cup of coffee and was ready to be woken up properly and answer my emails. Now, however, I've started to yawn again and I've just made my second cup of coffee, because I don't want to go back to bed to sleep some more. Enough is enough.

This morning I have to go vote. It's very important that I do. I'm not going to vote for the party of my choice, but for the party that stands the most chance at beating the Liberal Democrats and that I won't be unhappy about seeing as the coalition leader. If they deliver the prime minister, then that's okay with me. Their coalition will be one I can live with. It will be a socialist coalition. So, I'm voting strategically. The Liberal Democrats have the same attitude as conservative American Republicans, so I don't know why they call themselves Liberal Democrats. It's very misleading.

This afternoon I have a date with my friend Yvonne on the Our Dear lady Square at our favorite café. It's been a long time since we've met there, I won't even attempt to count the months, and it's about time we saw each other there. It will be nice to sit out on the terrace and have our coffees and watch the people go by while we chat. I'm sure we'll have a lot of chatting to do, although we have seen each other in that time. Yvonne is a loyal friend and has been there for me when times got rough. The only problem is that it has started raining and it's supposed to rain on and off all day today, so there may be a problem getting there on my bike. I'll have to wait and see how that turns out.

My mood seems improved. I don't have that confused feeling anymore, nor that feeling of being overwhelmed. It seems that sleep always restores a lot and I think that maybe it is better if I start taking naps again during the day, because I think I'm pushing past my energy levels. It's not physical exhaustion that bothers me, but mental tiredness and that can be very draining. It tends to mix up your feelings and to impair the way you cope with them and to also bring the worst of them to the surface. It makes a mess of your thought processes and keeps you from thinking clearly and coming to the right conclusions.

That's what exhaustion does to you. It takes a long time to catch up on a missing night's sleep, is my experience. It upsets your whole biorhythm. I suppose some people are more sensitive to that. Me being one of them. I don't do well with changes anyway and need for my life to be very predictable and have everything go the same familiar way day in day out. I do, at times, have an adventurous spirit, though, and used to like roaming in my car and go wherever the road took me and see whatever there was to see. As long as I had my dependable car to transport me. I haven't driven a car in more than 16 years and with that have given up a lot of my freedom.

Well, I have to go wash my hair and get dressed and then Tyke and I are going to walk to the voting place. Keep your fingers crossed for the fate of the Netherlands today. A lot depends on it.

Ciao,
Nora

Cold.

I feel cold and have put on my warm gray cardigan, although it is nor the least bit cold in here, really. It is just me who is cold, not the apartment that is. I'm having a dip in temperature and mood that I'm resolving with warm clothing and a cup of coffee. I hope it works soon, but you will notice that in a moment. If not, I will delete this post and pretend I didn't write it. There's nothing worse then witnessing someone have a pity party. Not that it is my intention to have one.

I suppose I can't constantly be in a happy mood, much as I'd like to be. I guess everybody rolls down the hill of happiness sometimes and now it's my turn. I'm in a bit of a funk and not quite as cheerful as I'd like to be. I feel a little bit of the need to withdraw from the world and make myself safe like I felt in the past. I want to hibernate and not come out. I'm sure that this is just a temporary condition, maybe as short lived as a few hours, and that I will be over it in no time at all, but I have to keep an eye on it. It can take on a life of its own.

It's in my psychological make up to go from one extreme to the other and I must prevent that from happening. One way to do that is by openly talking about it and naming it. The worst thing to do is to ignore it. That's what I used to do in the past when I was just about oblivious of things that happened to me. I wasn't even in denial. I was deaf, dumb and blind. Now I have awareness, although it does take some prodding to bring that to the surface.

My SPN did the prodding. I fell asleep on the sofa and missed my appointment with her, but I did speak to her on the phone. She prodded me into thinking what the problem might be, which is as follows. Each time I do well, we raise our expectations of me and attainable goals, which puts me under pressure and makes me feel insecure. I get the impression that every time things go well with me, I have to perform, so I start to crumble and not do so well. We do this instead of being satisfied that I manage the life I live so well. Things aren't just allowed to be good, they have to be better and I feel guilty if they're not.

Once we had that figured out, I could let that knowledge sink in and I really have now that I've written it down. I mustn't outperform myself. There is a limit up to which I do well at any given moment. Maybe somewhere down the line I will do better, who knows, but I'm not going to sit here and predict when that will be. My main concern is maintaining my mood and that is hard enough in itself. I like my schedule the way it is now, because there is just enough pressure, but I don't become overwhelmed. It is manageable.

This is as personal as I've gotten in a long while. I'm taking a chance on it.

It is 23C in here. That's the warmest it's been in here all season. It's overcast outside, but it must be very muggy. Rain was predicted, but I haven't seen any yet. Let's hope it doesn't rain when I take the dog for a walk in a while.

Ciao,
Nora

Later in the evening...

I just woke up from a two and a half hour nap on the sofa. There's no doubt about it that I needed it very much, because I was wound up as tight as a spring and not at all in my normal relaxed frame of mind. Needless to say, this was due to my lack of sleep, although that really had not dawned on me so much, until I woke up again and noticed the difference. I had not realized how much the shortage of sleep had influenced my mood.

I'm going to sit here for a while before I go to bed and relax and write this post. I'm not quite ready to go back to sleep yet. First I need to let my brain do some work and have it engaged in some intellectual activity, although it will not fly too high. Imagine that, an intelligent post at this time of the evening. I don't think I have it in me. I'm lucky if I can type and put two or three words together, let alone whole sentences and have them make sense. Well, I'm doing my best anyway.

It seems like this day has lasted for ever and I suppose it has in a way, because those few hours of sleep this morning didn't amount to much. That was just a cat nap, really, just like this evening. If you look at it that way, I have been up for a long time. I don't want to repeat that performance. It's extremely exhausting and nerve wrecking.

I've had two glasses of berry juice and they were good, but now I'm burping. It's most unladylike and it''s a good thing that I'm here on my own, because I'm not fit for polite company. It's wonderful to drink cold juice, though, and I guzzle the contents of the glass down in a hurry. That's how thirsty I get. It's time to switch to cold milk now, otherwise the juice will be gone in no time and I do have plenty of milk.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my SPN, but it isn't until in the afternoon, so I can sleep late if I want to. I want to, I just want my body to co-operate. I'm yawning now and I just took my sleeping pill and my tranquilizers, so they should start to work pretty soon and then I'm off to bed.

Have a nice might all of you, or a nice day, whichever comes first.

Ciao,
Nora