Oh, no...

I ran out of oxazepams yesterday. My psychiatrist was supposed to fax a prescription to the pharmacy yesterday afternoon, but I found out at 5:30 pm that he had not done so and by that time it was too late to reach him. I called up this morning and made sure that the prescription was faxed today, but in the meantime I'm starting to notice that I've been going without and I'm having withdrawal symptoms. One of them is feeling very low and the other one is being unable to concentrate well, so I'll be glad when the delivery person from the pharmacy gets here with the pills. I've taken a temazepam instead, but it's very hard to do without the oxazepam.

I thought writing a post would keep my mind off it, but I'm not sure if it's going to work. It's a little bit difficult to keep focused and not be distracted by what's going on outside, like the neighbor shoveling snow and Tyke being very interested in that on the sofa by the window. I don't know if I'm making any mistakes in the structure of that sentence. I can't think about it well enough. It's like there are ants digging pathways in my head.

I don't recommend this to anybody. Whatever you do, don't run out of pills. It's so easy to get blasé about it and think you will have your next box of pills in no time, but you see what happens. One little mistake and you're screwed. My psychiatrist probably thought I still had some pills left and that I didn't wait till the last minute to order more.

The Exfactor was here this afternoon to pick up a package that was delivered here for him. He was only here for a little while, despite my plea for him to stay longer. I made it clear that I did not feel well, but he said he had too much to do. I couldn't think of another person to call to keep me company. My sister is out of town and I don't know anyone else who is suitable.

The thing is, that I'm still depressed to some extent and I don't know how much of that is because of Jesker or how much of that is just the way I am right now. I'm clearly not functioning well and don't know how to get out of the deep valley I'm in during the day. I even find it difficult to read right now and my book is lying untouched beside my pillow for days. If I can't read, there's clearly something wrong and all I do is lie on the sofa and drift in and out of sleep and cuddle with Tyke, the dearly beloved.

The temazepam has now started to work and I'm calming down a bit. The ants have stopped crawling in my head. It's really a sleep medication, so it will make me feel like taking a nap, but there's nothing wrong with that. Tyke amuses himself with empty plastic cola bottles. He chases them around the living room and crushes them in his jaws. They make a terrible racket and that's what makes them so attractive to him. He thinks he's got a prey and is killing it. He naps in between attacks. He lies beside me on the sofa with his head on my stomach. Very sweet.

Oh, I'm glad I'm relieved of the symptoms of no medication. It was really tough. I still don't feel quite normal, but it's a bit better. The "pams" all work very similar in that they all calm you down to some extent. I think I will go lie down for a little while now and may be get a little bit of sleep until the delivery person gets here.

Have a good day.

Ciao...

Destruction!

I had a stack of magazines on the coffee table and while I was asleep on the sofa, Tyke pulled them to the floor and shredded them to pieces. I didn't notice a thing, but woke up to chaos. It was actually very funny, because he stood there wagging his tail as if he had done something very wonderful. When I cleaned everything up, he wanted to "help" and got in the way every time I picked up another piece of paper. He thought we were having a great time. I guess we were, in a way. We were bonding over an activity. They weren't important magazines and he left the Ikea catalog unmolested, so I can easily forgive him, but I do wonder what's next. I've put everything that's important out of reach, but I may have overlooked some things.

Other than that, Tyke is my little lovable ball of fur that I kiss all day long and just want to squeeze and hug. He's so darn adorable. The house training is going very well and he hasn't had any accidents lately and he lets me know when he needs to go outside. He wants to please me and do the right thing and I make a big deal out of it when he does. He sure came into my life at the right time. It couldn't have been more perfect.

Yesterday it was snowing and there are a couple of centimeters on the ground. It was predicted and there will be more today and Friday. It's coming from the cold North where such things are a common occurrence, although they appear to be here too, nowadays. I saw a lot of snowdrops in someone's garden the other day and I wonder if they will still be there when the snow melts. Next week I'm going on a special mission to see if there is anything green poking out of the ground yet.

I slept an awful lot yesterday. I wandered in and out of sleep all day long. It's very healing, though, and it feels like a balsam to my soul, although many poets have said it before me. It is true and it really does work that way and I think people should be given sleeping cures when they deal with something especially difficult. You would have small wakeful periods during which you dealt with the problem you're facing and then sleep for a long time.

Now I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with my cup of coffee and my cigarette and it isn't even my good coffee, because I ran out of that and I'm drinking an inferior coffee that I had left over from a previous purchase. I sure can tell the difference, though, and it is not nearly as enjoyable. You wonder why people buy it at all. Because they don't know any better, I guess. This coffee I drink should be advertised better. Oh no, that would drive the price up, better leave it as it is then.

I've slept on the sofa, preferring that to my bed and I slept in my bathrobe and slippers with Tyke by my feet. It was very cozy. Sometimes I like sleeping on the sofa better. It seems like my bed is just a lonely cold place to go lie down in and not at all comfortable and cozy. I think it has to do with the temperature of the room, because there is only single glass there in the window and it has a tendency to get damp in there. The sheets feel cold when I get into bed. It's better in the summer time when I have the window open and it's nice and warm and dry in there. I'm hard to please.

I'm going back to the sofa now after I eat some porridge. I will turn on the TV for repeats of the news. I missed it last night because I fell asleep during it. Tyke is snoring up a storm. It sounds very funny coming from such a little dog.

Have a good night, I'll see you in the morning.

Ciao...

Early in the morning on a Wednesday.

It's early in the morning again and I have been up for a while. I thought I would take the opportunity when I felt rather good and write a post. That is, if my little dog is going to let me. He is playing with Gandhi right now, but wants to involve me in the game also. Oh, he's decided to lie down by my feet now and be quiet. That's good, it helps if he doesn't jump on the keyboard. It does enable better writing, technically speaking.

I didn't sleep well during the night. My stomach was upset and that bothered me quite a bit. I had a slice of salami before I went to bed and that did not sit well. My gastric band wanted to reject it. The best thing to do was to get up and have things settle down there. A vertical position helps, so does drinking something. A cup of coffee works as good as anything, because it isn't about acid, but about mechanics.

I have to clean house today, because my friend Yvonne is coming over tomorrow afternoon for a cup of tea. That's a good motivation to get some things done around here. I'll gladly clean the apartment if a friend is coming over. I can't think of a better reason to. Well yes, if the queen were to come for tea, but she has yet to let me know if she is. Though why that should matter so much is beyond me. I am a republican, after all, and I don't mean that as opposed to a democrat.

I'm also going grocery shopping with my sister tomorrow afternoon, even though I'm not out of supplies yet, having lived very frugally this past week. I don't know how that happened, but it just did and I have made everything last. I do have to buy special puppy food for Tyke, because he's been getting regular dog food now and I'm sure he needs the special nutrients that are in puppy food. He has a fantastic appetite and would eat nonstop if I allowed it and he likes everything. I'm not used to that.

I've not been reading much these past few days and am still stuck in the same book. I'm nearing the end, though, and will try to finish it today. Then comes the hard choice of what to read next, because I have so many unread books to choose from. I'm thinking of trying Anita Shreve next. I have quite a few of her novels. I was thinking of reading "The Pilot's Wife." Does anyone know that one?

Well, I'm going to take my medicines and lie down for a while. I may even eat some breakfast now that my stomach has settled down again. I'll watch the repeat of the news while I do that. It pays to stay informed.

Have a good day!

Ciao...

Delete everything...

I've tried several times today to write a post, only to stop after a paragraph or two and to delete what I had written because I was unhappy with it. I turned off the computer each time and retreated to the sofa where I napped all day long in between attempts at writing a post. You all know that sleeping is my way of dealing with emotional upset, so I suppose this is my way of dealing with Jesker's death, which really does bother me in many more ways than even I am consciously aware of. I guess I am in mourning.

I did make it to the tobacco shop and I brought Tyke with me, which was a treat, because it was hurry up and run to the next interesting place and stop suddenly by the succeeding good smelling spot. I had to hit the brakes many times or drag him with me against his will. He does provide recreational entertainment.

And here is where I freeze up and don't know what else to write. A great tiredness falls over me and all I want to do is sleep and it seems like so much effort to keep on writing. So you'll have to excuse me if this is all I write, because I'm not going to delete this also. I'm going to put on my pajamas an bathrobe and pretend it's very late at night.

Ciao...

The Late Jesker.

I called the vet this morning at 8 o'clock and told him that Jesker was not doing well at all and that I thought the time had come to put him to sleep. We agreed that I would bring him in at 9 o'clock and I called my sister to let her know. After that I spend some time in silent communication with Jesker who was merely sleeping and breathing very rapidly.

When the time came to go, I woke him up and put his leash on and luckily he reacted to that and got up and walked to my sister's car unaided. I picked him up and put him in the back and he didn't make a sound.

When we got to the vet, he was very subdued and he laid down in the middle of the examining room as if he was completely worn out. The vet said that he could see that there was no discussion necessary about if this was the right time for him to be put to sleep. That it was obvious that it was.

I sat beside Jesker and my sister sat at the other side and the vet gave him an injection to make him fall asleep before he could give him the narcotic that would end his life. We had to wait about 10 minutes for it to take effect. I petted Jesker and talked to him and talked to the vet and my sister. It was all very peaceful and not the least bit anxiety ridden.

After 10 minutes the vet came to lay Jesker on his side so he could give him the final injection and imagine our surprise when Jesker at that very moment shuddered and died. Just like that from the sleep medication only. The vet said that he rarely saw that happen and that Jesker must have been in bad shape for it to have happened at all.

I cried and kissed him goodbye a dozen times and then finished my business with the vet. We left with one last good look at Jesker and nearly dry eyes.

It wasn't horrible at all. It was a good thing, because obviously Jesker had been very sick and had been suffering. He had been a stoic dog all along. I'm not going to cry about it anymore, because Jesker is in a better place now where he is not in pain and where he can breathe freely. Someone told me that all dogs go to heaven and as far as I'm concerned that's where he is.

It was strange to come home with his collar and leash and not have him be there, but Tyke was there and the cats were and that made up for a lot. Tyke was so enthused that I was home, he was beside himself. The cats were their usual aloof selves, although Tyke and Gandhi are now playing. They get along very well.

Jesker died at about 10 minutes after nine o'clock Amsterdam time, so if you noticed anything unusual, you know what that was all about.

Ciao...

Another long walk...

This afternoon Tyke and I went for another long walk together and it was much more successful than yesterday's walk, because this time I wore my hiking boots. These made all the difference in the world and I walked with what seemed the greatest of ease. We did roughly the same walk we did yesterday (just a little bit longer) and cut a considerable amount off our time. I also didn't wear my warm sweater and I wore my short leather jacket instead of my winter coat, even though it was colder today. I didn't feel like such an worn out middle aged woman going there having no business attempting to walk a couple of kilometers at a fast pace.

When we left, Jesker had shown no interest in going out with us and when we got back, he was still lying on his blanket, sound asleep and barely acknowledging the fact that we were home again. He had to go out, but I didn't know how to get him outside. I opened the back door and tried to get him to stand up. Well, I got the front of him up, but not the backside. So, I picked up his back side with Tykes help, because he was trying to get Jesker to stand up too, and finally managed to get him into a standing position. Jesker protested by growling. Then I had to lead him outside, which Tyke also helped me with, and I managed that and Jesker did an enormous piddle and a poop, after which he hobbled back inside to lie down again, showing no interest in the snack I offered him as a reward. He's just not interested in eating. He just wants to sleep and be left alone today. He's not even coming over to lie down beside me.

I don't know when enough is enough. I just don't know when to make that call. Part of me wants to say it is now, but the other part of me says, no not yet. So, I really don't know. I'm having such a hard time with this.

I just called the Exfactor and he's no help to me whatsoever and right now I am crying and I can hardly see the keyboard. I didn't realize how much sadness I have been walking around with inside of me about this. This is just one of those things that is so hard to do. I know I have to make the decision now and that it is time, but I hate that.

Okay, I just called my sister and she was a big help. I know what I have to do now. Tomorrow morning I will call the vet and make an appointment with him and then my sister and I will go there together with Jesker and see it through. That's the best solution. Women need other women, don't they?

Tyke is so smart. He was trying to get Jesker to stand up by pulling him by his fur and then he was trying to get him to walk by pulling him by his ears. He's a real little helper. What a funny dog.

I'm drained, so I will keep this short. Tyke is trying to get into the dog cookies and Jesker finally made it over here and is lying beside me. It cost him quite a bit of effort.

Have a good evening!

Ciao...