Romance...

I think I may have fallen in love a little bit with my first ex-husband again. I certainly spend an awful lot of time thinking about him and fantasizing about the possibilities of us getting together some time in the future.

Now, I do have to admit that I have a large fantasy and that it does have a tendency to want to grab a hold of me and go on the run with me, so I have to hold on to my horses. I don't want any flights of fancy to dominate my life and influence it to the point that I can't think straight anymore.

I've probably been charmed off my feet like I was the very first time I fell in love with him. The same mechanisms have been triggered. At least I know that those are still in place, but I'm not that young girl anymore. I'm a middle aged woman with a lot of experience and a lot of knowledge, so I can't let myself get lost in this.

I have to keep both feet on the ground and stay in the here and now. I have to keep living my own life and not get lost in fantasies, no matter how pleasant that is. I'll get over that. I've just momentarily been swept off my feet.

Ciao,
Nora

Don't drop the preciousness...

It's one of those middle of the night moments again when I feel at my top best and I think the world is my oyster. It is easy to think that, when all around me is silence and darkness and everybody is asleep. I am the mistress of my universe. I find myself in a void and I like being in this seemingly empty space where only I exist in the cozy circle of the dimly lit living room with only the animals asleep in it. It's like being in a small spaceship. Our destiny is not earth. 

I've made myself a fresh pot of coffee and it involved opening a new package of coffee and emptying the contents in the glass containers which are tightly sealed afterwards to keep the coffee fresh. But the coffee from the freshly opened package always tastes best and the first pot is a joy to drink. If I get the proportions just right, there is nothing like that first cup of coffee and I savor it. It's the little joys in life that bring happiness and I think I have to take advantage of every one of them. 

Another joy I have is wearing my woolly, oversized, gray cardigan. It keeps me warmer than my bathrobe and I like the way it feels against my skin. It is soft and warm and snuggly and on cold nights, with the bedroom window open, I sleep in it. One thing I love to be and that is warm in bed. I hate for any part of me to be exposed to the outside air, except for my head. My gray cardigan is my old trusty stand by for whenever I get cold. I put it on over my clothes when it gets too chilly in here. Because it's so roomy, it always fits. 

The last three days the weather has been chilly and windy. It's actually the normal weather for this time of the year and we were spoiled when it was so beautiful. But you sure very quickly get used to that and take that as the norm and want it to stay that way. Now it's back to wearing double layers of clothing and wearing a jacket when I go out. I'm not much of a hero when it comes to being cold and I don't like to suffer. I like being dressed as warm as I can. The subtropical Nora is alive and well inside of me and will never get used to colder temperatures. I curse the cold wind and it always seems to blow. 

Because I've dressed so warmly, I haven't had to turn up the thermostat and have been able to keep the bedroom window open, which saves me energy costs and airs out the place. It doesn't get real cold in here and in the afternoon, what sun there is heats up the living room through the windows. It makes a few degrees difference. That's not as nice in the summertime when it's hot, but I sure appreciate it now. The apartment traps the heat. 

I've got to figure out what sort of interesting clothes I'm going to wear today. A body does want some variety. I've got to do something interesting with my hair too. It's at the perfect length to fiddle with, as long as I have the aid of some hairspray. It will be the usual fun to look in my closet to see what I will find there. There are always more possibilities than I can think of at the top of my head. As long as I keep my clothes organized, I will be able to find things, that's the whole trick. 

Before I do anything, I need to get some more sleep. So I will take my medicines and head back to bed with a glass of warm milk. I have my most interesting dreams in the morning. We'll see what I make of it this time. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Conversations in the night...

I had gone to bed early and had been asleep a few hours when the dog woke me by very gently and quietly barking by the side of my bed. It was almost as if he was afraid to wake me up but had to do it anyway. It turned out that he had to go out back to do a piddle and when he was done, he wanted a milk bone as a reward. He got one of those because he had not had one that day. 

I got back in bed, but the dog decided to be cozy and got on the bed also and sat on my head. I moved him off, but he stuck as close as he could, making it hard to breathe. He wanted to be cuddled, but I was not exactly in the mood for that. I tried unsuccessfully to go back to sleep with that animal breathing down my neck and his fur tickling my face. I finally gave in and got up and now he's sound asleep in the armchair, as innocent as the puppy he still is in many ways.

I wonder if he wanted me to get up because he's so used to it. I'm supposed to guard over him while he soundly sleeps in the armchair and the cat sleeps on the sofa. It is sort of a ritual that we have developed. I may have taught him bad habits. The whole time that I'm up, he does nothing but sleep deeply and snore and I'm his guardian angel. I suppose he likes being in the living room better than the bedroom. There are better places to sleep. 

This was a short course in how to analyze your dog's behavior. He's now lying down by my feet and I can't move for fear of stepping on him. I'll have to wait for him to move again before I make any other radical plans tonight.

Of course, I don't have any radical plans for tonight. I never do because I'm an obedient citizen and I never do anything wild and out of the ordinary. Besides, so much is legal here that I would really have to do something crazy to be really radical. I'll most likely have a very quiet night sitting here having only adventures in my head and daydreaming about what I would do if I were completely at liberty and obviously, I don't hang out with the right people. You do have to move in the right crowd, one that is equally minded. 

Sometimes cynicism seems to get the upper hand and I don't know if I have any ideals left.  I think I may have a shortage of them, but it's not good for a person to only be a cynic.  You can't dismiss any kind of political and social movement because it tries to unify an idea and I'm not talking about populism, which is a very bad idea and a bandwagon I won't get on. 

I hoped that there would be a bigger rise from the ranks of the female population in all levels of politics and industry and that this influence would change the course of decision making, but I don't see it happening.  That's still an ideology I want to believe in, but I'm not necessarily happy with the quality of women that are rising to the top. They only want to seem to prove the point that they are as tough as men are. Truly incompetent men, at least politically here in the Netherlands. I'm tired of men in gray suits with solid ties and their token female equivalents. 

Enough of that seriousness. It's too heavy a subject so late in the night.  It needs more frivolity than that. 

I'm awfully short of frivolity, though, so I better stop writing. I'm getting a bit tired so it may be necessary to go to bed. I always say that and never do until the wee hours. I always feel compelled to stay up longer and get into more trouble. Tomorrow is Saturday, so it doesn't matter what time I get up. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Sleeping successfully...

Yesterday I cheated on my vegetarian diet and had a meatball for lunch. I had been craving something hearty like meat for quite a while now and I think it was my body's way of telling me that I had a shortage in my diet.  I had not eaten meat for a long time and I didn't know what was going to happen if I did. Was I going to be struck by lightening, for instance?

I didn't know if my gastric band was going to be able to handle a whole meatball, albeit not such a big one, but I chewed it slowly and carefully and all went well and I felt very satisfied afterwards. The full feeling lasted all afternoon and my stomach was very happy. I guess that's what I needed all along. 

For dinner I had half a bowl of chunky goulash soup and it was the first time that I tried that one. My personal helper had recommended it. It had big chunks of vegetables and mushrooms in it and I think I detected some meat in it as well. It was delicious anyway and I ate it with pleasure. I had a small bowl of chocolate pudding for dessert later and ate some crackers before I went to bed. For a change I had a really full stomach. 

Maybe that's what made me sleep so well because I slept for 7 hours and for me that's almost some sort of record. The longest I have slept so far is 9 hours, so this is getting close. It's very tempting to tie my successful sleeping to my diet and I think I will. I will pretty much eat the same things today that I had yesterday and see if I can sleep as well again tonight. It's worth the try. 

Oh, and I had lost a kilo when I went on the bathroom scale in the morning. You see what a difference it makes when you weigh yourself in the morning as opposed to when you do at night. In my case I lost 400 grams overnight just from sleeping. That's a whole pound. 

It's a normal time in the morning now when ordinary people are awake too. For a change I'm just like everybody else. I won't know what to do with my time. Of course, there are the inevitable chores such as the dishes, but I have all day to do those. 

I suppose it would be a good opportunity to pick out a good outfit to wear. It's going to be nice weather today and I'll have to wear something appropriate. I have a dress in mind that I like very much, but there's another one that I also like and I may give that one a try. It's a toss up between the two. One is more casual than the other. I suppose I'll have to pick the one I feel most comfortable in. 

Right, I have to get the show on the road. The dog needs to be taken for a walk. He doesn't know that yet. He's sound asleep. It will be a total surprise to him. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Midnight revisited...

Despite my good intentions I relented and closed the windows about an hour ago. I also turned on the heater. I wanted to not do that or worry about the temperature because, after all, it is springtime, even at night. But I got too chilled, even in my bathrobe, and I don't like suffering. It's toasty warm in here now and I think I can turn the heater off and have it be warm enough in the apartment for the rest of the night. It will have to suffice. 

Like I said, I'm sitting here in my bathrobe and I'm obviously not in bed where I should be, but I enjoyed being up late last night and slept well in the morning. I had no bad effects from it today and didn't need to take a nap like I had expected to. I was up on time for my personal helper and even had some time to spare.

I'm extremely mellow and slightly sleepy headed and that feels very pleasant. It's a pleasurable state of mind to be in. I think that's why I like being awake right now. 

It's the whole experience I appreciate. I'm always one to seek out the more pleasant moods that are stress free and in which I feel just a little punch drunk. I seek the altered states of mind that I seem to find at night. Feeling normal isn't good enough. It will do during the day, but at night I want a different experience. 

I went on the bathroom scale tonight and had lost 600 grams. Now I need to get on it in the morning and see what I really weigh, which will be less. I never weigh myself at night, but I was curious because I had not been on the scale in quite some time. I can't wait to see what the weight will be. I hope I will have lost a total of a kilo, but maybe that's too much to hope for. 800 Grams would be nice and I guess that's more realistic. 

Today was an utterly normal day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, except that the weather was unpredictable. Sunshine one moment and huge gray clouds the next.  It was real April weather, although it was a little warmer than usual for the time of year. I guess even the weather wasn't that out of the ordinary. It was a completely forgettable day and you could have traded it in for any other ordinary day that had nothing to distinguish it. 

I suppose I shouldn't complain about that. I'm sure there are enough people in the world who would like to have a very ordinary day with nothing to distinguish it from any other. I'm not really complaining, just stating a fact. It went by quickly and I even watched television last night and watched a soppy show called 'Memories' in which people go in search of an old love from their past. 

Well, I did that and married him and divorced him 15 years later and I don't think the whole adventure was a good idea. It sounds very romantic on paper, but in reality it's not such a great idea. You can't revive a teenage romance. You can do it briefly, but not long term. It has to stay rooted in the past. Ships passing in the night and all that... You don't want to end up like the Titanic on an iceberg. 

I'm a sucker for soppy shows, though, providing they're tastefully done and don't abuse the sentiment. 

Well, I have to move on to the next thing, whatever that is going to be. I don't know if it's going to be bed yet, although I am yawning. I may get excited about something yet. The night is still young. 

Have a good one. 

Ciao,

Nora

Smelling the coffee...

It's in the middle of the night and I have slept enough for now. I don't want to waste anymore time doing it until the morning when it will be Saturday and I will have more than enough time for it. I'm not expecting any people to come over or packages to be delivered like there were yesterday. The domestic help and the Exfactor were here and the package of books that I ordered arrived, causing dents in my otherwise peaceful day. I didn't have the long, languid days that I had on Wednesday and Thursday, when there was nobody here and I could do as I pleased and I got more accomplished in the end.

True, my apartment is very clean and I'm all set for the weekend, except for a load of laundry that needs to be hung up to dry and some more dishes that need to get done, as always. That's a never ending battle because I do eat and dirty them. I keep an eagle's eye on the growing amount of them so they don't get out of hand and become an overwhelming stack. It's like the laundry, the minute there's a full load, I have to wash it so I always stay on top of things. There's a full load quickly when I change the bed. My sheets are getting worn out from washing them and I will soon have to invest in new ones. 

The books that got here have found their place on the bookcase ready to be read when I finish the one I'm reading. They take up a bit of space because one of them is a big, fat paperback. It will take me some time to get through that one. It's with some amount of trepidation that I look at it. The others are more normal sized and less intimidating. I also have small books on my bookcase that I could read in a short amount of time, but I've not been interested in them yet. I guess I'm still looking for a bit of a challenge, but I may want to read them as a break from the bigger ones. I may give that a try. I have a bunch of those by Edna O'Brien, but they are a completely different genre than what I'm reading now. I have to give that some thought. 

There's not much else on the program today. The Exfactor went to the tobacco shop for me yesterday, saving me the trip over there today. I did miss out on a chocolate bar, but I have chocolate pudding. I've been having cravings for meatballs and pork chops and bacon at night before I go to bed and look through the cupboards and the refrigerator to no avail to find something that will take care of my craving instead. I must be in need of protein and have to find a way to get more of it in my diet. It's very hard to be on an all vegetarian diet and I know I'm not getting all the nutrients I should. I think my body is telling me something. 

It's going to be 24C (75F) today. It's a fluke because tomorrow it's going to be a lot cooler again. We'll just happen to be in a high pressure system today. I won't know how to dress. It's been a long time since it's been so warm. I won't worry about it just now, though. I'm going back to bed to sleep some more. When I wake up later in the morning, I'll see how warm it is outside and I'll know which clothes to put on. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora