The wake up attempt...

In an attempt to try to be fully awake, I am drinking my second cup of coffee, but it isn't having much of an effect yet. It will take at least one other cup before I am truly awake and functioning up to par, but it will help if I have to use my brain cells and start writing this blog post now. It will help get rid of the spider rag that is gathered in my corners of my sleepy brain and the caffeine will take care of the rest.

 

I so stubbornly insist on sitting here in the middle of the night behind the computer instead of going back to bed, that you'd think I have a brain dysfunction that prevents me from doing so, but it is actually the fact that I have to take a shower and change the damp sheets that prevents me, because that's how much I perspired. Very often that's the problem and I don't know yet how to get around it. I think it is the side effect of one of my medicines, but I don't know which one. All of them may be the culprit, so reducing one may not help.

 

Because I was basically instable, I decided to yesterday increase my antipsychotics with 1 mg. I had recently decreased them by 2 mg and that may have been too much of a good thing. I was constantly weaving in and out of a state of hypomania and I can't say that this was a comfortable thing. This was accompanied by the necessary anxiety and the usual worries I have about my state of mind in that case and it all was just a major flop. It is true that I am too anxious about reducing my medicines too quickly and may be making big errors. This may just be the amount that I need to be on.

 

I have just got myself a big glass of wine because the third cup of coffee had done its job and now it is time to be mellow. Having the alcohol enter my body is a pleasant feeling and very relaxing. I should give myself over to a night of debauchery. Yes, as if that is going to happen. I don't remember ever having that sort of a night, but with the state of my memory, that does not say much. I have lived a long life with many events, so there is a lot to forget.

 

You really wonder, in the face of everything, what I really get exited about when you consider that there is so little I have control over. I think I do, and I try to manipulate events, but in the long run I have no way of altering their outcome. I sure as heck can't make people behave a certain way and I don't have godly powers in that I can't prevent major things from happening. I should really relax and realize that it's not all up to me how things turn out. If I adopt a more reflective attitude, I will see in the end how they do and they do just as well without my interference.

 

I am saying this under the influence of a dry white wine from South Africa and doesn't that make you tell the truth? And now I am very hungry and have got to get something to eat.