My psychiatrist doesn't want me to cover up my slightly hypomanic tendencies with an increase in the dose of my antipsychotic medication. He thinks that, as long as I am not doing any harm, I should deal with them on my own and feel my feelings and see where that takes me. He says that I have a tendency to want to solve everything with medication and ratio, but that it is time to also start relying on my emotions and to not be afraid of them. He asked me if they had now led me astray and I had to answer him that they had not, but that some people had shown concern about me, though I did not understand why. The point is that as long as I have done no real harm, I can continue as I am.
I suppose I don't always have to make sense to everybody and sound completely sane. Maybe sometimes I will sound rather illogical, but you may consider that poetic license. My mind is not always just an average mind that walks down the middle of the road. I do have a tendency to wander all over the place and make associations and connections that are a bit unusual. Very often I have to refrain from writing down my more extreme points of view and I practice a lot of self censorship. Of course, I don't always feel that restraint and things do cross the wire, but I am glad that they do. That is not to shock you, but to shock myself out of complacency.
This morning, when I got up, I was completely out of regular coffee and could only drink decaf. It was not the disaster I thought it was going to be, but to say it was a success is a totally other thing. I didn't have a real cup of coffee until I saw my psychiatrist and that was only one cup. I functioned on that for the rest of the morning and took care of many phone calls and other errands on automatic pilot. By noontime I was a zombie and all I wanted to do was hang in my chair like a wrung out dishrag. Luckily the Exfactor did the groceries then and when he came back, the first thing I did was make a pot of coffee. To say it saved my life, would be to put it mildly.
A cup of coffee never tasted as good and was never as welcome. I am fully functioning now and have even taken an afternoon nap, so you can tell that I'm back to normal. Well, as normal as I'll ever be. The nap was very welcome too because I didn't get enough sleep during the night being up and busy with other interesting things, which I will tell you about another time.
In a while my sister will pick me up so we can drive to Genk in Belgium where another MRI scan of my knee will be made. It happens to bother me very much today because of the bike ride to the psychiatrist, so I can tell exactly where the pain is. That will help the technician point the scanner. My appointment with the orthopedic surgeon to talk about the outcome will be next week and then I will hear if I will be operated on again. I have mixed feelings about that, but I know I can't keep walking around with my knee the way it is now.
Wish me luck.
4 comments:
Your psychiatrist sounds wise and wonderful Irene! I do wish you luck re your knee.
Betty
Oh, your mind wanters, too? Fancy that.
Yesterday at worship, I told the congregation that the reason I stood in the pulpit, with all my notes, that my mind had a tendency to wander. Without my notes, by the middle of my reflections, my mind could be way up in the (usually deserted) gallery somewhere, and I would't know what I should say next. They seemed to understand, fortunately.
Your emotions may be landmarks for you, Irene. Pay attention to what they say, but don't believe the lies. Use the messages as an opportunity. (Am I sounding too much like your psychiatrist?)
I do hope the Belgian excursion goes well!
Blessings and Bear hugs!
Yes, there comes a time when we have to deal with reality including the reality of our emotions. You have a very good doctor.
Good luck with the MRI.
XO
WWW
Reality can be a bitch but there are times when a bitch is a better bet than a comfort blanket.
Good luck. With everything.
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