The broken hearted...

I have, of course, been hypomanic off and on for the past week or so, at least ever since I started reducing the anti-depressants. I was, up to a point, in denial about this, but I had to admit it was true when my psychiatrist mentioned it yesterday. He had been able to tell by the nature of my emails to him. Reducing medication can cause mood swings and that is exactly what was happening with me. Things reached a pitch Tuesday afternoon when my mind as well as my body completely went into overdrive and I had to take a tranquilizer in order to settle down a bit. I now, after the fact, understand better what was going on then. I will hopefully settle sown to a dull roar now, because I can claim to not be in an excited state of mind while I still am. It's an odd disorder, bipolarity.

 

I found out, quite by chance yesterday evening, that the man I loved most in my life died in March of last year. I had over the past few years lost contact with him and I wondered every day where he was and how he was. Now I have my final answer and it came as a shock. I found the Facebook page of his late ex wife and was able to download a lot of photos of him and I am happy with them. I have photos of him in albums from the time we lived together 20 years ago, but none that were taken so recently. I was so broken hearted when I left him behind and it took many years for that heart to heal. It was one of the main causes for my total mental breakdown.

 

Timing is everything in life and it is serendipitous that I should find out the news about his death exactly now when I am dealing with all the things that happened 20 and then some years ago. When they say that a little girl grows up and finds a man who reminds her of her father, then that was true in this case. I had a very similar loving and playful relationship with this man as I did with my dad. The only problem was, that he would not even make the tiniest commitment to me and I felt very insecure. Now that I look back on that as a more mature woman, I don't understand what my problem was because that is exactly the kind of relationship I would want today. I threw away a lot by demanding security and I nearly destroyed myself in the process.

 

Well, I am rectifying all of that now, of course, and I will this terribly large issue also. It will be the first thing I will talk about when I see my psychiatrist next.

 

Tyke woke me up because he very urgently wanted to eat. It could now wait one minute longer and you would have thought that he had been starved. Gandhi's dish was also empty and she acted equally hungry. Those poor animals have such a tough life with me. Luckily, the Exfactor had done the grocery shopping and we are well supplied. God forbid there should not be enough food in the apartment.