Of endearing charm...

Today is the day I am going to get a reaction from my psychiatrist to the email I sent him telling him that I want to further reduce and eventually quit my medications. I think I sounded completely sane when I composed the email, and I hope that I come across that way too and not like some sort of overexcited and overreacting nutty woman. You do always have to consider these things when you want to make a radical change and air your points of view and arguments for it. Many male doctors have a tendency to see their female patients as a bit of overly hysterical creatures anyway and tend to be condescending to them, but I am sure that my psychiatrist is not one of them and that he takes me completely serious and values my opinions. But then again, I may have an overinflated sense of self.

 

Having an overinflated sense of self is not necessarily a bad thing, because it feels as if you are wearing the queen's finest clothes, but that they are as comfortable the oldest coat in your closet. In other words, you are completely at ease with yourself and expect everybody else to be also as if it is something that ought to be taken for granted. For a long time in my life I had more doubts about myself than I do now and that was not one bit comfortable, so I prefer the attitude I have about myself now. I have few insecurities and the ones that I do have, I handle very nicely by reducing them to a size where they matter very little. I say this while I am full of bullshit about myself, because I have that too.

 

I do look forward to the day, having made it successfully through the weekend, which turned out not to be too much of a burden and went by quickly. I think any time when I spend most of it being serene and at peace is successful, especially when I don't have to take tranquilizers to achieve that state of mind. As a matter of fact, they make me feel dull and sleepy and I am glad that, right now, I don't need to take them. That may change when I further reduce the anti-depressants and I may have to take the tranquilizers again for a day or two. They are handy to help you get over the bump of withdrawal.

 

Being full of bullshit is good when you are making changes in your life that you need a bit of courage for and that you may be just a tiny bit intimidated by. But so far experience is teaching me that I can rely on myself and that nothing is ever as bad as I had imagined it would be. What was unthinkable before, I am actually doing now, as if I have taken a giant leap into the right direction and, although it was calculated, it was also a leap into the unknown. Leave it to me to think of something like this when even I did not expect it, but it followed a long road of contemplation and wishful thinking. It was bound to happen that sooner or later a decision about the medications would have to be made. I could not stay in limbo forever.

 

Already my mind is much less dull and no longer covered by years of medicinal dust and spider rag. It is as if a cleaning crew has gone through it. I can only assume that there will be more improvement over time and I welcome it. The chemical haze is lifting.