Rejecting the blues...

It turned out that I needed to go back to my original PC and then the internet connection worked fine, so the Exfactor didn't have to go through the complicated job of having to change the location of the modem and splitting the cables. I thought of this myself and am glad that I saved him from having to do the work. He did have to surrender my PC, which I had already given to him, but he didn't complain too much. He does have his own PC to which he has made all sorts of alterations and I am happy to say that he had not had the chance to make any to mine. Phew!

I very badly want to get out of the doldrums that I find myself in and wrote my psychiatrist an email yesterday telling him about it. He wrote me back telling me that he thought I was quite capable of finding the passion inside myself without increasing the dose on anti-depressants and that I should try to find a way to do that. Having him tell me that has given me confidence in my own abilities to do this and I feel more empowered now. I intent to release those passions without going ballistic and be like a shooting star. I do have to make sure that this passion is directed at something specific so I have to find my targets.

 

He is right in so far that it is better for me not to run the danger of becoming hypomanic again, which might very well happen on an increased dose. That was my problem before and that was the reason why it was reduced. As a matter of fact, it would be bound to happen and I don't face that danger now. At the moment, I tell myself that it is great to be hypomanic, or at least to be in the run up to it, but the truth is that to actually be it is not all that great. It also gets me in trouble, because it has all sorts of nasty side effects that are very unwelcome, but that I can't do much about. They come with the territory and can do much harm.

 

It is good to be told to be sensible and to have to rely on your own abilities. It makes you feel less like the victim of your disorder and more like you are in charge of it and can direct it. I have to have enough believe in myself that I can assume that I have enough influence over it so that I can take the different elements of it and put them to positive use for me. If I have it in me to be manic, then I also have it in me to be an optimist and see the sunny side of life and to be passionate about things. All I have to do is release that side of me in a constructive way. That's how simple I look at it now and that is how simple it can be.

 

I also have to appreciate the amount of serenity I feel now that I mistake for dullness. I have to accept that this is just an ordinary state of being and that there is nothing wrong with it.